Of Very Human Superheroes and Redemption

Iron Man 2!!!

It is The watch of the season, baby. For me, at least.

For a guy, the movie has done almost everything right: From pretty little explosions to a festival of sleek military technology, hi-tech machines that operate with just one word from you to being able to move almost anything that is virtual with your own hands, it's a technogeek's dream come true in some sense.

Of course, who can resist the sizzling Scarlett Johansson? (I AM a guy, so if girls are entitled to scream and swoon over pretty boys, why can't guys gape and drool over hot women? That's equality for you, you know.)

The substance was present too. The witty one-liners from Robert Downey Jr.'s Anthony Stark were superbly executed, as were the hilarious squabbles between him and Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts, his long-suffering secretary cum assistant cum lover(?). Then you have token scenes that involved Johansson's Natasha Romanov taking out an entire group of security guards in a flash while the driver/chaffeur of the show, being the macho man he was, charged into enemy territory, took loads of punches before downing ONE security guard.

One friend did mention to me that the ending was a little unsatisfying as everything rushed its way to the peak of the climax, but I begged to differ, thinking that doing the same old thing would be cliche. You can look at it either way, really.

Before I spoil too much, let's just say that the movie was wonderfully made. Though the villains weren't really fleshed out, I supposed it was a decent effort to delve a little into the history of one of them while continuously making a mockery out of the other.

What struck me, again, as Ip Man 2 did, was how human the main character was. Playboy billionaire he was, narcissist he was, the movie did a very good take on the possible reasons why he acted in certain ways.

-Sometimes he did not seem like himself and just went wild. Well, something really, really bad was happening to him. It's just human to act that way. Besides, he did have lots of help because there was something he could apparently offer, allowing him to stand up once again. Of course, no one understood him at that time. Virtually no one. Beyond that, he even gets beaten up by the friend closest to him, who did not seek to understand the situation.

-The narcissism had apparently came about due to something that happened in his childhood, something that made him very bitter about GETTING ATTENTION. I had no problems with his narcissism because it was funny at the start, but later I realise that I felt sympathy for this man.

-Always thinking that he could do it alone, in the end he needed help and he acknowledged that. Did he refuse it initially? HECK YES. 

-All throughout the show, did he indulge? Oh, come on...You're talking about a playboy billionaire who can get almost any material possession he wanted in the world whenever he wanted it, wherever he wanted it.

-Yet at the end, he saw the error of his ways. Unlike the real world (This is what separates them, actually...The real world and the movie realm), everyone close to him forgave him because he saved the day. The important thing is, he redeemed himself and was given the chance to do so.

So you see, it's not just the Fabulous Mr. Stark who seemed human. Even the characters are as well, despite there being lesser focus on them. They play along. They misunderstand. They give up. They forgive.

Forgetfulness x Damage

It's too late.

No, not One Republic's song. It isn't too late to apologize. It's just too late for me to repair whatever damages I've done to my image other people have for me.

You see, God is forgetful when it comes to sinning especially if you are repentant. One miserable night that turned into something hopeful told me just that. But whoever they are, be it your parents, your siblings, your friends (close or...nevermind), your acquaintances, your enemies....They remember.

That's probably the fallen nature of Man - Even if you commit a mistake and repent, they will still remember. Are they at fault for that? Probably not. It's kinda hardwired into almost everyone, unless you wan to choose to forget someone else's faults, tantrums and whatever crap they throw up after being dealt heavy blow after heavy blow.

I want to say, of course, that the me that posted countless posts yesterday was shamelessly asking for attention. Asking for someone to at least ask (even demand would be good) me what was going on. Asking for someone to show at least they care. But hey, nothing wrong with that, right? Even though a man's pride is the most fragile thing in the world, I believed I had been open enough to put that down and ask for help or understanding.

Well, it's kinda sad but....Nothing. And if you think I just want the "Awww....That's so sad. Come, lemme give you a hug" all the time, I'll virtually slap you till you don't know your left cheek from your right.

I will be over it. Just need to keep praying to fill that large, empty void of disappointment and anguish left in my heart. Keep confessing...Keep believing, even with overwhelming odds stacked against me.

I also wanted to say that the me yesterday wasn't "The real me! The real me had incidentally retreated into the recesses of my heart to recuperate from fighting a losing battle against negativity, allowing it to take over completely and never have I felt so helpless before, trapped in my own body, doing things I never wanted to!"

But who would believe it? Only I would. No one would really know the full extent of sorrow or joy you have in your own heart. No one really knows. Except you. Except my King.

Sometimes it hurts. Just to look at someone else's blog or Facebook wall, knowing that even writing the simplest of symbols and words would generate attention and words of encouragement. The only thing I got? A friend asking me to stop thinking negatively.

It's good, of course. It's always good to stop thinking negatively, but for all those comments, only one person replied. Half of my instincts tell me that it was out of irritation more than concern, but the other half tells me to keep silent and take it as a blessing.

Just one last thing to share: You know how some people say that there's a co-relation between complaining too much and being able to make few or even no friends?

Well, it's true.

By courtesy of the life story of someone close to me, it was made a revelation. Question is, if you feel that no one really cares and that you were born and bred in that environment, with the sudden release of a desire to make more friends after a life-changing event, what's going to happen?

Same thing that's going to happen to an overexcited fledgling who wants to fly without the ability or the proper guidance. It drops like a rock the moment it flaps its puny little wings in the air.

So to me, it's really a vicious cycle. No one knows or wants to know what's going on, then you're bursting to tell someone after holding it in for so long. You speak, they listen. You speak more, they get afraid and leave, causing you to become confused and hurt that no one wants to listen. Then someone else comes along after a long period of silence and process repeats.

I want to believe more in humans. I really do. But at the rate this is going, the only person that I can really depend on to listen and be infinitely patient with me is God. Not that it's a bad thing too...Maybe now I'll be able to hear him more clearly.

The next thing I can then ask is to help make people as forgetful as he is about the faults or sins of others.

Not very possible, though. Everyone's unique, after all. =)

Retaliation

You know what? Forget it.

It's just like in a damn court..."Anything you say will be used against you." It seems that I've said too much, and I might as well be handing victory to the two hims I never want to.

I won't hand it up. I won't give it up. I refuse to let such things plague my head all the time.

Even if one of the 'hims' did it unintentionally, even if it's someone close...I refuse to give it up, because my King has given me an entirely different version of things happening. That is enough.

Suck up the sand, I will. Get out of the quicksand, I will. I'm going to be strong and stay there. I'm going to be much, much stronger, so I can be ready to receive.

Away from me, dark thoughts. Away from me, weaknesses. Away from me, complaints.

YOU, SHALL NOT, PASS.

Drastic, Damaging Disappointment

I can't help but think...Does it really take something drastic before someone else notices?

Look at September 11. It took something that huge to draw the world's attention more closely towards terrorism. It was then that anti-terrorist measures were taken and implemented so quickly you would have thought red-tape (bureaucracy) was but a silly story meant to scare children.

Likewise, it takes a Korean couple playing an online game simulating parenthood for three days, resulting in their own baby starving to death that finally sparked a response from the government to clamp down on online gaming. Though a prevalent part of their cyber-culture, the problems of addiction were very, very real then.

My question is this....Does it really take a drastic event before we can notice the people that we normally cast aside because of their differences? Because of their quietness? Because of their lack of ability to interact "normally" like everyone else?

I can't help but compare my present circumstances to the times when I got injuries. Throughout my badminton training days, I hardly hear words of encouragement except from a few people (one of them who was particularly good but then went to SBA due to his exceptonal skills). What I received from my coach was basically what he would tell every player.

The days of training were fun, but I had my fair share of darker times. At times I felt so lonely that I would disappear as soon as the training time was up. At other times, I maintained an impassive face for as long as I could, struggling to hold in my frustrations and tears. Sometimes they burst out, and people started seeing me as a spitfire not to be associated with too closely. Except for a few.

But then, that was understandable. They were all trying to make the mark and get into the first-team. For those already in, there wasn't much need to worry too much about others and concentrate on improvement. Except. For.A. Few.

And it so happened once that I gt injured. Sprained my ankle badly. THEN the flood of concern started coming in. At one point it felt like some god had heard my prayer at that time and I almost cried. I hoped that this feeling would last, that I could make more friends through such an incident.

No such luck.

Then, in my army days, it got worse. I partially tore a cruciate knee ligament due to excessive exercise. THAT really crushed me. It meant that I could no longer be combat fit. It meant that I could no longer run and exercise with gusto like I used to. It meant that I was forever marked with a deficiency in the very area that I supposedly excelled in as compared to some people.

And then I suddenly felt like my family cared, when none of them came to see me off at Tekong. When everyone was celebrating and taking pictures with their families, girlfriends and friends at the parade square when we POPed (Mom and an aunt did come, but in the end it was when my officer ACTUALLY came and asked me if I had anyone coming down to see me at the parade square, and I left the place in bitter disappointment only did I manage to see them). Suddenly I was the delicate vase they just bought.

Suddenly my friends began asking what had happened when I posted a status update on MSN. And even then, they were few and far between. And suddenly my brother began to care much more, even bringing two cellgroup members to reach out to me.

I felt immensely happy, of course. "Finally...After so long, someone genuinely cares. After so long, it finally feels like I have people who showed themselves to be good friends. After so long, it finally seems like I was worth SOMETHING in the eyes of my friends and family."

No such luck. Even though this eventually led me to my King, but the feeling persisted like a bug. The feelings of concern faded as soon as I could start walking on my own with just a slight limp. (Of course, when I first entered cellgroup, it was still there, but somehow the feeling faded after half a year, making me feel like a statue, the unwitting eavesdropper on the conversations of people)

Then there was the biking outing I had some time back. Slipped and fell with a substantial amount of blood drawn by the dastardly road. And suddenly I found myself flooded again, though experience told me not to make too much out of it. Still, emotions went against the reasoning and I found myself hoping again that even though I'm supposed to be some sort of an example for younger members, that I would find some support and encouragement from them. From the new friends I make everytime I enter into a new season of my life.

Fat hope. Not obese though, because a few still do genuinely care.

So I'm wondering right now, as I trudge through the sands of disappointment (In a desert, remember?), as I taste the sand grains in my mouth while floundering through a sandstorm, as I slam my fists into the sand and cry out in disappointment and yet another mirage, does it take an event where I've sunk into the quicksand at chest level before someone cares enough to help?

Or is this once again the doing of my King, who wants me to grow stronger alone?

How about the few people who do care? Well, there's this conflict. You want help, but you don't want to burden them. Kapeesh? They have enough burdens on their plates. Other people who probably need more help than you. Just as there are always people better than you, there are always people who are worse off than you.

And then I wonder...Have I been guilty of the same thing that I've bitterly accused others of? I have, and I tried to care more. Instead, it felt like my concern wasn't needed. They wanted someone else, someone who could do more than be a listening ear. Someone who could make things happen. Someone more interesting. Someone more talented and able.

Damn if I do, damn if I don't. On both sides. And you wonder why I always seem to be fighting something.

And somewhere along that line, the maximum level of my hope just seems to drop over time. Disappointments can be really damaging. Like it is said: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Is the longing to be closer to everyone really that hard to fulfill? To be someone strong enough to help others overcome their problems? To have more friends? To experience the love that was promised to me at the very beginning when I first came to know my King? To be ready for a relationship? Is it wrong? Is it that difficult?

I realise I sound very, very bitter about this, and I want to get rid of it, but some things just take two hands to clap.

And for some time, that other hand has been missing for a long time.

Where are you.....?

Change of name

Why the change, you ask? Simple.

I'm in the time of a war. With the Enemy. With myself. Where my spiritual man is grappling with common sense. Where the Spirit is locked in a struggle with the Enemy, with neither side wanting to give way. When one does, the other gains ground, but immediately is fought back and they are back at the same spot in no man's land again.

Sounds very grand, doesn't it? Sounds very egoistical too, and that's fine by me, because it's as close to the truth as I would care to reveal. If you understand, all the better. If you don't, keep your comments to yourself if they are not going to be constructive (not that ANYONE has ever commented XD ) and we should get along very, very well.

Besides, it feels like a season of battle for me. Everything I have been doing so far is to fight. Fight against the negative emotions always threatening to bring me down. Fighting up to the level where I can actually be closer to the people who are way ahead of me in various things. Fighting to be a greater and better influence in people's lives. Fighting the urge to back down from the visions and dreams that seemed so impossibly hopeless. Fighting to stave off that lonely feeling whenever I see people talking happily together at lunchtime while I faced a wall and ate my Yong Tau Foo silently, or when almost no one seems to notice I'm there.

But my King is still here, there, everywhere for me. I feel terribly alone, like a man against several giants, like a token platoon holed up in a small keep, ready to defend against hordes of armies that make jungle army ants seem tame in comparison, with no way to get across to my allies (if any).

But my King is there, providing me with the sword to slay the giants. Providing me with the weapons and courage constantly (for it understandably fails many times in the face of overwhelming odds). Providing divine aid even and always refreshing me.

Even so, sometimes I wonder if some of my friends are friends only when we meet. It's sad, but I have to admit to using Facebook for status updates frequently to tell my friends how I'm feeling. That's the magic of Social Networking Sites, you see, that you can always tell others what's going on in your life without the phone call.

But where I wanted to receive help, I found none. Most of the time.

I understand...You guys are all busy with your stuff. You have your own problems to deal with too, so why add more onto your plate? I wouldn't want that either, to burden others with my own problems.

So the answer? Attempt to maintain a good appearance while fighting my inner battles together with my King.

If I can't get support from friends, if I can't get intercessors (which sometimes makes me selfishly wonder occasionally whether friends actually remembered me at all to pray for me), then I'll do my best and let my King take care of the rest.

Speaking of rest, I'm going to learn more on resting at appropriate times too, so I won't tire out. 

Besides, it's not like I've been thrown aside completely. There are some - if a few - people who help. Who - like me - feel that giving edification or encouragement out of the blue isn't weird or stupid as long as it's sincere. 

Or maybe they just aren't interested. Or maybe they think I'm strong enough to take on things alone.

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm a human. =)

And as humans go, I'll just do what I can. Victory lies in the hands of the King and I shall FIGHT to get it.

Fears...confirmed...?

It felt like my worst fears were confirmed.

Was it that terrible? Perhaps not. It isn't a life-and-death situation, but it was bad enough after the emotional and spiritual battering I took. A mammoth effort was required to climb out of that situation and even now I have to stave off the feeling of numbness. It was only the momentary interactions with certain people that got me back on track and gave my drying bones some moisture to carry on.

But again, yet another confirmation. I have no idea whatsoever how to deal with this issue now because it probably involves people close to me and my emotions. Which would I give up?

That question might be redundant actually, mainly for two reasons: (1) these so-called worst fears could well be a figment of my wild, unbridled imagination or (2) I would simply give the whole thing up because I always do it, thinking that the other parties involved would be happier that way. After all, they deserve more than what I can offer. After all, there was no interest in the first place, and I could well be chasing after dust clouds.

Maybe? I don't know. Sometimes I don't want to know, but the signs are there. Sometimes I unintentionally discover them, but  but I think I'll just try my best again and keep praying, especially if the vision becomes clearer and the meanings more understandable.

Another more interesting (and very troubling) pattern I see forming here is how every time I just recovered from a major blow or an assault on my confidence, something else immediately comes in and tries to break me apart, piece by piece until the process becomes irreversible.

Unbelievable, right? I mean, wha's this about difficulties and challenges coming in fast and furious as though they have a mind of their own? Sometimes even I think I'm delusional, but the pattern is just too familiar. The only times when bad things come one at a time is when I utterly and completely fail at recovering at all and stay stagnant.

Is this the desert I'm facing right now? The heat emanating from the sand that's enough to kill people and the lack of water, with its lion's share of mirages that appear to lead you somewhere, then crush your dreams and hopes utterly, where sandstorms are whipped up as often as great meals are in popular restaurants, clouding your judgment and direction?

So then...What do I do in the meantime? How do I hold on to something that seems so far away despite being near at times? Has this turned into a competition of sorts or am I just being delusional, thinking that everything, EVERYTHING was but a figment of my imagination?

I really need some clear answers....But I'll ask nicely. Definitely. Rudeness and disrespect gets me nowhere.

And then there was Moses and the Israelites. Perhaps I'm experiencing something similar here, and my King hopes that I can weather everything thrown at me so I can reach the Promised Land. In my case, it is the fulfilment of my two wonderful dreams and visions.

I hope so too, but as Elijah had, sometimes I think I need to rest....

왜? 왜? 왜 요...?

This feeling....I think I'm going off track again.

I need to get back on, but first to express some thoughts, else they will all burst forth like the ash and lava from Katla, so abrupt and devastating.

Even after receiving comfort, sometimes I feel like there's something missing still....Even more so when I return to my humble abode.

Even after receiving reassurance from my King, sometimes I feel like I....am still not really needed. Sometimes I still wonder if people will really miss me if preachy, boring and socially inept Exel suddenly disappears (No, not via the Rapture, because it isn't the Last Days yet) for some particular reason.

If I did a face change...Would people know me for who I am? Would people try to talk and get close to me more because of my external features? Would I receive edification from more people because I look more approachable, and more encouragement because of the same factor?

If I somehow managed to be more jovial, would I make more friends more easily? Would I, then, no longer need to suffer this terribly childish desire of always needing companionship and love, something that I had deprived myself of for so many years? Was it wrong for a 22 year-old to want that feeling again? Was it?

You know, despite all that Pastor has said that encouraged me and lifted my failing spirit (At a point so low that I felt it was the same me back in JC days), those thoughts came all crashing down on me again like an immense tsunami, threatening to sweep any linger words of encouragement and feelings of happiness away. I sometimes wonder if, like he said, that I would have to suffer this for the rest of my life...Always doubting, always frustrated, always failing and failing and failing again (and thankfully always standing up, even if I stagger at times), always...in need.

 And at one point, I wonder if I'm wandering through my desert right now, looking for water. Seeing an oasis but upon reaching it, finds out it is but a mirage, sapping me of my hope and dreams over and over again.

And then there's the thought: What if some of those waterholes aren't for me? What if the dream and vision I had, so vivid, feeling so real could not come to pass? Why then, was I given them? Was it because of my stupidly powerful imagination?

What if I'm fated to wander in the desert, always needing my character to be moulded into as perfect a vessel as possible and my dreams and visions pass me by because I wasn't good or strong enough at that time? 

Why Couldn't I just stand firm? Why couldn't I just stop all this and be "strong"? (Incidentally, I believe strength doesn't come from not admitting your faults, but being able to confess and try to make changes to them) Why couldn't I just believe?!?

왜...? 왜...? 왜 요?!