Long Time no See, and Nice to Meet You

It really has been a long time, hasn't it?

To be honest, I don't feel the same motivation for blogging as I used to when I first started out, but thinking about it, perhaps my reasons for doing so initially were frivolous.

I'm thankful, though, that even as I remembered about the emotional limbo - since hell is too strong a word - I was put through, I'm still standing.

It amazes me when I look back that I'm still in church, standing, worshipping God, singing His praises, fellowshipping with fellow Christians even better than before. It's not me that amazes me, because if that's all there is to it, that would be extremely arrogant.

No...What truly amazes me is the boundless capacity of forgiveness, mercy and restoration God has. Despite everything that has happened, all the outlets of stress relief - both good and bad - I went to, the false assumption that I was 'all right' and things like that, He still forgives me.

I have no doubt that I'll need to answer for everything I've done, eventually, but dwelling in it won't get me anywhere. The only way is forward. There's no guarantee that I wouldn't look back, but at least now I find strength and initiative within me to turn my neck back and keep reminding myself to look forward always.

As adults, sometimes we think we can solve these problems. And when we can't, we simply keep it to ourselves.

Wrong line of thinking...And if you think I'm preaching to the choir, I'd just say my 10+ years of experiencing that aren't for nothing.

Learned so much in recent weeks about vulnerability. Accountability. Openness. Maturity. Belief. Dreaming. Self-worth. Humility.

Learned so, so, so much.

Had I left church, would I have been able to get back on my feet? Would I have been able to improve so much that it feels like I'm practically a different person now?


NO.


And I most certainly hope that there are certain people out there who somehow press a wrong button and happen to enter this blog, then happen to see this post...Though in truth, real truth, that wouldn't be just a 'happen'.

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I've been thinking about relationships too.

I'm not all that young anymore. True, I do have some vigour. I can still jump and shout and dance and holler and run and battle it out on the soccer court, but I'm not all that young anymore.

One more year, and I'll truly enter the workforce.

One more year, and it's five years to the big Three Oh.

One more year...And I'll literally be no longer eligible for any more Emerge conferences for youths in my church.

"So it's time! When are you getting one?"

I smiled and shook my head with a wistful smile.

"Whaaat? Seriously? You're like, 24 already man! Don't you ever think about it?"


Of course I do. Who doesn't at this age? 


"Come on, man...You tease others about it, but you say you aren't really that interested?"


Yeah. I'm not that interested.


If you need any further hints, let's say the emotional 'drama' I went through was part of the reason why I'm not interested right now. In fact, I'm really thankful for the suffering I was put through.


I know plenty of friends, both Christian or otherwise, who would look at me in incredulity and say I'm crazy, but yes, I'm thankful.

Because of that, I've began recovering my focus on the things that are right. Not only on God, but also on the real things that I want in a relationship.

Sounds ironic, but sometimes you need to understand that wounds take time to heal. Some longer than others, and some heal less effectively than others.

And this is the time where I smack my head and say, "Man, what was I thinking?! Wait...I wasn't thinking at all. That was incredibly stupid of me. How could I have been so shallow and missed out what I really wanted?"

The same silly trap that most teenagers actually fall into when they want a relationship - Basing everything on feelings, on what they THINK they want rather than what they really want and what they can handle. I can elaborate on this more, but that's a topic for another time.

Oh, and I think it's pretty silly to get angry with God over failed relationships or failed prospects.

The bottom line is, I'm not interested.

Yes, sometimes I do think of prospects, but on the whole, I'm not interested. Not especially if I'm unprepared and not when I'm not thinking straight. More than that, not especially when we don't have the same kind of love for God. 


I'll stop here....And to those who have been following my blog despite the lack of activity and interesting stuff....

Long time no see.

And to those who stumbled and actually bothered to stay and see what the heck's going on here...

Nice to meet you.