Heart

Recently been looking at statistics, and doing so simply made me lose heart. 


One page view. One. for one post. Then another, then another, then another....Okay, I knew I was unpopular, probably a little weird, and definitely the last person almost anyone would want to talk to (even friends), but this? It just saps the heart of writing out of me.

The first thing I expect others to say, obviously, is that "I'm complaining again. Why don't you try harder?"

And the same answer, right from the bottom of my heart, is thrown back to them. "Why don't you try being in my shoes? Who are you that you can tell me this? You hardly even KNOW me, despite being friends for that long."

And despite being happy, I'm also frustrated at the same time. Despite wanting to try things, I didn't have the heart to try to step out of a normal routine, simply because efforts have proven me wrong time and again that just by having the heart to try to change is NEVER enough. For example, speaking out of turn in an attempt to crack a joke ends up in an immediate silence after that, no matter how long/short it is. Trying to make new friends and get to know people....I just get this feeling that they are never comfortable around me.

Do I need to shut up and change? Yes, to the latter half. I won't shut up, obviously, simply because it's better to let others know what's going on and have them label you as a whiny little prick rather than keep everything to yourself, let it all explode once the threshold is breached and having it result in blame-games ("Why did you keep it to yourself?!") or irreversible situations.


But then again, it's the heart that continues telling me to never give up.

No matter how tired the journey is, it seems that it's the heart, not always only the mind that determines just how far you can go in spite of the deserts, the snowstorms, the hurricanes and the darkness one faces.

And I have that heart in the King.

So despite all this, gotta pick myself up again and again and again and again...Till something good happens. Till there's a change so great that all my blessings would be peanuts compared to it.

A Breakthrough.

It may seem so simply, so natural to some. It may seem like an easy miracle to others, having gotten it in a short amount of time (By the way, 1 year IS considered short). But for me, it's the greatest miracle that I could ever want to happen.

To fellowship freely. To feel like no one's feeling uncomfortable with me. To feel like I'm no longer weird. To stop feeling like I'm part of the group and yet alone. To be an interesting person that not only have people talking to me, but also me being totally sincere to them. To be able to forge great relationships with people, to the point where I can actually hope for something more than that.


In short, to know how to love people properly.

So, I can't lose heart.


Not especially when such a big opportunity to see that come to pass is coming.

I can't.