Out out all my moanings, grumblings, whinings, chest-beatings, bouts of weeping and delirious ramblings, that was the one sentence I remembered.
Earlier in Facebook I posted something like this:
Sometimes, God takes away everything you've ever depended on for strength - Health, finances, talent, charisma, strength, knowledge, wisdom, relationships - and breaks you down so thoroughly so that He can mould you into something so much more than what you are, so that He can bring you through the change and breakthrough you've always yearned for.
So that you get to know Him on a deeper level...
Many friends - or at least those who cared enough - would have known by now that I've been sick (and still am) for 6 days counting, and these 6 days have been literally a different kind of hell for me. The fever took away my ability to think coherently, working in tandem with a completely blocked nose and a ear blockage that inexplicably happened one fine humid night. To make matters worse, it was the ear that could hear clearly, as my left ear is partially muted due to a half-assed operation to take something out 10 years ago.
The ear is still blocked, by the way, and I can't judge the volume of my own voice at all...So if you actually READ this at all, (which I really hope you do) I'll apologize first for being a little hard of hearing of late.
In any case, I felt punch-drunk, staggering most of the time when I walk, wondering why I suddenly had two mothers at one point. Then the voices came. Nothing but mere gnats at first, they grew exponentially as the days wore on with almost nary a proactive call or message from friends (only one or two).
"They don't care about you." "See? You call these 'friends'? foolish, foolish man...Didn't I warn you before?" "You're just a number, just a statistic. You're there because you're useful, not because you are who you are."
No, really. I get the feeling many think I'm exaggerating, but simply put, I'm not.
There was that. Next came the sleepless nights, where the pain in my right ear suddenly became terribly unbearable ONLY AT NIGHT. Perhaps this is spiritual warfare, I thought, and prayed for that. Nothing happened.
The last straw was the silence. Literally.
He stopped speaking to me, stopped letting me feel Him at all, despite repeated prayers, despite mounting desperation as my ailments worsened.
I don't know when it came about, but it reached the boiling point (literally. My body was probably hot enough to cook several dozen eggs in one night) and my desperation felt so tangible that I despaired and cried out, throwing everything behind. The lack of concern shown, the inability to go out, the differences in response to same words or questions I ask of some people compared to others, the insufferable drunkenness of a world with muted sounds, The setbacks from the resolutions I set....
....Everything.
And then I realised that what I've missed most terribly is the presence of God. At the point, desperation gripped my heart with an iron fist and threatened to crush it. It was then I realised, that perhaps this period of suffering wasn't forced upon me.
It was allowed. Permitted.
God had allowed it. He had permitted it.
As those thoughts registered and I thought of the many questions I asked God back then, it zoomed in to the first one.
"What is it that You want me to learn from this, Lord?"
Indeed, I've learned quite a bit. At least, enough such that I know it's impossible to be the same after this experience.
What have I learned?
Perhaps I might just share in the next one as I allow Him to heal me over time.
Many friends - or at least those who cared enough - would have known by now that I've been sick (and still am) for 6 days counting, and these 6 days have been literally a different kind of hell for me. The fever took away my ability to think coherently, working in tandem with a completely blocked nose and a ear blockage that inexplicably happened one fine humid night. To make matters worse, it was the ear that could hear clearly, as my left ear is partially muted due to a half-assed operation to take something out 10 years ago.
The ear is still blocked, by the way, and I can't judge the volume of my own voice at all...So if you actually READ this at all, (which I really hope you do) I'll apologize first for being a little hard of hearing of late.
In any case, I felt punch-drunk, staggering most of the time when I walk, wondering why I suddenly had two mothers at one point. Then the voices came. Nothing but mere gnats at first, they grew exponentially as the days wore on with almost nary a proactive call or message from friends (only one or two).
"They don't care about you." "See? You call these 'friends'? foolish, foolish man...Didn't I warn you before?" "You're just a number, just a statistic. You're there because you're useful, not because you are who you are."
No, really. I get the feeling many think I'm exaggerating, but simply put, I'm not.
There was that. Next came the sleepless nights, where the pain in my right ear suddenly became terribly unbearable ONLY AT NIGHT. Perhaps this is spiritual warfare, I thought, and prayed for that. Nothing happened.
The last straw was the silence. Literally.
He stopped speaking to me, stopped letting me feel Him at all, despite repeated prayers, despite mounting desperation as my ailments worsened.
I don't know when it came about, but it reached the boiling point (literally. My body was probably hot enough to cook several dozen eggs in one night) and my desperation felt so tangible that I despaired and cried out, throwing everything behind. The lack of concern shown, the inability to go out, the differences in response to same words or questions I ask of some people compared to others, the insufferable drunkenness of a world with muted sounds, The setbacks from the resolutions I set....
....Everything.
And then I realised that what I've missed most terribly is the presence of God. At the point, desperation gripped my heart with an iron fist and threatened to crush it. It was then I realised, that perhaps this period of suffering wasn't forced upon me.
It was allowed. Permitted.
God had allowed it. He had permitted it.
As those thoughts registered and I thought of the many questions I asked God back then, it zoomed in to the first one.
"What is it that You want me to learn from this, Lord?"
Indeed, I've learned quite a bit. At least, enough such that I know it's impossible to be the same after this experience.
What have I learned?
Perhaps I might just share in the next one as I allow Him to heal me over time.
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