One fine day, on the MRT, I heard a little voice calling out inside my mind.
It was all too familiar - My imagination was pleading with me to let it out, my mind was asking me to think about good times again before I slip into another monotonous routine of fiddling with my cell phone or pulling out a novel to read.
At first I resisted, knowing how it ended the last time. But after a while, I acquiesced to their requests.
The images pop up, the memories came up, and instantly I regretted being so compliant once again.
Yes, those were happy memories, happy thoughts. Things that were nice and warm and fuzzy. In fact, one of them was the very first thing that got me going and gave me plenty of hope.
However, all those were in the past. The very first vivid dream of bliss I ever had.....
.....Probably forever shattered unless He wants it otherwise.
The memories? I was happy, alright, but the nagging question was...Were the other persons in those moments happy as well? Was I simply being a fool by feeling great by myself?
And I regretted allowing my imagination to go loose again, even though not letting it free might be detrimental to my other endeavor. Sometimes one starts thinking what could have been if one did not make those stupid mistakes. If one actually had the brains and time to improve quickly enough. If one had not rushed things and been overly friendly...
This is when I realise that hurt and disappointment can run more deeper than we think.
-----------------
Sometimes we think ourselves to be fine, to be all right. We put on a cheery mask and smile and laugh and joke with others while hiding the hurt from them all.
Nothing wrong with hiding. After all, every single person has things you don't want to say to certain people because of various reasons.
But when you hide it for a long, long time, the adverse effects will overflow into other areas of one's life. Your friendships start to get affected. Your behavior doesn't match in one social context to another. You start to get particularly sensitive about your own boundaries and find it extremely difficult to trust others, choosing instead to believe in the misunderstandings that arise, always choosing to rely on yourself mainly.
Speaking from experience, that I am. Not just from my own, but from other friends I've seen. More than once, I've seen dreams shattered because of people being too guarded. Friendships nearly severed, then repaired but with a seemingly permanent wall between them.
Nothing wrong with protecting ourselves and having a certain boundary, but putting on armor and covering yourself with spikes and weapons are two very, very different things.
----------------
I hate misunderstandings.
And in the same sense, I hate not knowing what the hell is going on when a friend suddenly refuses to talk, reply or has a sudden cold attitude towards you.
A few people close to me often say, "It's like that one. Nothing much you can do about it but just hope for the best." or "Let God resolve it."
They are right, of course, but it is still so very irksome when you don't know WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG and absolutely no one else can tell you what it is clearly except the person, or people who have a 180-degree change of attitude towards you.
The catch is, there's absolutely no way they will tell you.
Screw "Hope for the best." Screw "Try to find out one way or another." Screw "Be a little more confrontational."
I think I'll let God tell me what went wrong in due time while I try to change the bad stuff about myself.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 104: Defiant
I like being defiant.
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 103: Traveled
Ever looked out of the back window of a car, or a vehicle?
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 102: Little Things
A rather enlightening and humbling conversation with a few of my peers (some of them younger, but probably wiser than me and some others I know) gave me a fresh opportunity to explore the concept of 'impacting others through doing small things'.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 101: White Christmas
I'm still dreaming of it.
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 100: Challenge
100th chapter. To think I was saving it up for a Christmas post.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 99: Mirror
Do you like to look in the mirror?
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
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