I like being defiant.
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
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Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
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How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
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