This isn't the life I envisioned.
Nor is this what I thought should be happening.
But things don't always go how you want them to.
A light example: I always imagined myself to be talking freely to others, socialising, joking, making friends, having a good relationship and communicating well with a significant other ('a', simply because it hasn't happened yet), being very forthright in displaying affection for others, remembering things that area important to others.
But sometimes your abilities don't match your dreams. Things don't happen the way you want them to, and obstacles crop up suddenly. The hearts of people are beyond what you ever expect them to be, and you have to learn to reassess everything again.
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I don't really know what brought this on. Perhaps after returning to the Lord once more could be the main reason, together with the fact that my confidence is still on an average level for an average person.
The renewed sense of urgency for people, for myself, for my dreams that is mixed with the old, expiring ingredients of negative comparisons and emotions as well as troubling issues could be the more detailed reason.
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I said I wanted to be a leader.
But with the way I am, it's impossible.
To be honest, there are a tonne of people out there who are more qualified, more empowered, more sociable, more loving, more handsome, more influential, much, much more confident than I am.
BUT I do know I have two things with me - Willingness, and the trust of a great God who will lead me to a greater future.
I wonder if that's how Moses felt when he kept protesting, and eventually God still used him anyway (after rebuking him a few times, of course). The notion that God actually rebuked him and STILL uses him despite his iniquities (Aaron is apparently much, much more capable than he is) and his unbelief (Constant protests after speaking to the burning bush) means one thing.
God trusts him.
So perhaps God trusts me too, and maybe that's why, as I sat in front of the computer for a prolonged period of two hours, I began to feel restless for the first time in a long while.
This isn't what I want to do, Facebooking or tweeting or merely following other people's activities, or playing games.
This is meaningless.
I'm burdened with this, and wonder if there can ever be a powerful change in my life that will see me transformed, that everything I've experienced will bear much fruit, so much that even the impossible dreams or hopes I have come to pass.
But if God did it to Pastor, to so many religious leaders around the world...
....Why not me?
Keep on keeping on.
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