Disappointment

It's not like I keep hearing them, or that everyone around me does it.

What am I talking about? This simple notion, or perhaps verbal sentence:

"I'm disappointed in you."

Sorry to disappoint, then. 

There are certain things people can sense too, like whether you are upset or disappointed in them or not. Of course, not everyone has that ability.

It's not the amount of times the statement was spoken, or thought, or typed out, but rather the ratio in which it stands out compared to a firm, sincere and (maybe sometimes) consistent form of encouragement.

I can't remember the time when I last saw "You can do it!" or "Don't give up!" or even "I'll support you!" (The last being with actions, of course).

And I'd be lying if I say those three statements originated from me often.

So that's the point, isn't it? That every single human has an inherently negative spirit and needs to replace it with a positive one, though the process of doing so is often sophisticated and sometimes painful. 

Even people with a religion. 

Yes, I've upset some people. Yes, I know I'm disappointing, thank you very much.

Please don't keep harping on the fact. Or has patience dissipated somewhere into the clouds and rained down as droplets of transformed impatience and judgment?

I hope not. Rather, I try to choose not to believe that it is so. 

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Am I disappointed? 

Of course I am, but not offended, certainly. The question is with what. 

People? Check.

Concepts and ideas of being in a second family that should be more caring than this? Check.

Self? Double check.

Even with God, I suppose. 

But perhaps He already had a purpose in mind when I'm going through all these....things. 

Have you imagined the pain plants must have felt when they are uprooted or their branches cut off?

Think about it - it's like having your limbs chopped off, or being ripped away from familiarity and tossed somewhere alien. 

But sometimes it has to be done, especially when those branches are infected with a disease, or the land has become contaminated that drawing in any sustenance from it only serves to cause the entire plant to deteriorate. 

Sound serious doesn't it? Being plants, most of them can't move. But being humans, we can. We also have knowledge and a small amount of wisdom, no matter how old or young you are.

So here's the catch.

I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE. 

And I know every reminder is done with goodwill, no matter how much judgment or disappointment follows it. 

But tell me something I don't know. Show me something I don't often see. 

Too much water or sunlight can also kill the plant, by the way. I think that's what one calls "Doing the right thing with the wrong method".

But enough of that. Perhaps I'm wrong about everything again, or that people are the victims of different subcultures that determine how they act, react and think. 

After all, I am a victim of that myself.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 91: Denial

Denial can be so dangerous.

There are times I wonder if having certain emotions is...corect, and sometimes it takes a few rounds around the same lane of emotion before I finally get it.

That's the case for some people too, I think.

So I deny it. So we deny it. Or at least try to.

Ends up the people we are hurting are not only ourselves, but also those around us, albeit indirectly.

I recalled a friend saying this to me: "Jealousy is good, because it means you care."

But instead I harped on the negative parts of what is conceived to be a negative emotion.

In fact, there's a good side to almost everything, but I failed to see that.

And in doing so, perhaps I was the one who abandoned what I desired the most at one point, and in effect abandoned God's vision.

It's difficult thinking and knowing that you are wrong all the time.

But it's even more difficult knowing that you could actually have thrown it all away unwittingly.

Can I pick it up again? Is it the right season?

Only time will tell.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 90: Remorse

Sorry.

To me, the word feels relatively natural.

Was it a lack of pride? Or a lack of self-worth? Or perhaps it could be something more positive, like a lack of arrogance?

No idea yet, you know. It's kinda difficult when your apologies number relatively more than the number of your boasts.

Oh wait, that's a boast in itself. Haha..

But a mere "Sorry" and a "Sorry, I'll keep reflecting and changing" has a big difference.

Words versus words AND action.

Just as it is for guilt and remorse (at least in my dictionary).

Guilt is where one apologizes, keeps having this heavy feeling in his/her heart without really thinking about changing, but keeping the unhealthy faith that he/she is the one always at fault without thinking on HOW to change it.


Remorse is where one apologizes, perhaps even cries about it, but REFLECTS on where things had gone wrong, and thinks about changing as well as plan for it in the future.

I like to think after certain things have happen, after all that clamoring and whining and complaining and sullen behavior, there's remorse now.


It might even be a blessing, since they come unbidden, sudden, without a word of warning or indication that something good will happen. Random actions like looking at the sky or flipping through your phone history for no reason gets you thinking.

Thankfully it's a good thought.

Can I change?

We'll see...And I'll see to it. Somehow.