Is it better or worse to have someone not talk to you, or to have someone tell you something you don't want to hear?
Time and again, the same cycle repeats itself.
And if it keeps happening, sometimes for supposedly no good reason, the first reaction is to ask, "Why?"
That, is the rational side of me.
On the other hand, there are other voices.
One, unmistakably enticing at one point then condemning and mocking, cannot be mistaken for anything else other than The Enemy.
The other, I would elaborate.
It is...small. Tiny. Sometimes to a point where I can't even hear it.
A small voice that is encouraging, edifying. Egging me on to believe in myself and do things. Telling me that "You can do it" or "You're better than what you think of yourself."
Recently, it's been giving me the idea that I'm actually strong.
.......
Okay, after your laughter subsides, the rationale behind it is simple.
Being through things that may make you so small at times...How many countless times has it been?
Rejection, dejection, depression, disappointment, temptation, guilt.
How many? The voice asks. Not with the tone of a overbearing teacher or parent ready to berate the child, but with a tender tone.
"How many...?" For a dozen seconds or so, I actually seriously went to count it. There was that time I felt utterly rejected after, what, a dozen calls or so without a single reply? There was that time where I felt like totally giving up after failing time and again to shackle an addiction of mine. And the guilt with it - Felt like a weightlifter's barbells! Then there was another-
After a while, I gave up. "Are you kidding? There's too many to count!"
And where are you now?
"Where am I...?" I paused. The question seemed very vague, yet it should be something I know. "What do you mean?"
What do you think? The voice had a bright tint of humor to it and if there was a face to go with it, it will most certainly be smiling at me.
I thought hard, got lost a little here and there, then stumbled upon the answer.
"I'm still...here?"
You're still here.
"I'm still in the race."
Indeed you are.
"I'm still coming back to Him despite everything that has happened."
As many times as you needed and wanted.
"But how?"
Have you ever considered the notion that you might actually be strong?
"Huh?"
Have you ever considered that it was I who took away what you have and let things happen so you can be who you want to be and do what you always wanted to do?
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Up till now, though, I still have difficulty believing that concept, despite the undeniable conviction from the voice. Despite the encouragement and edification from friends.
Am I actually strong?
I don't know....And I don't think I really am.
And the revelation that bad stuff is happening, and that I'm actually a lesser person that who I was before I met Him....
Difficult to swallow, isn't it?
The ultimate question came: Was this for the better or for the worse that I knew something like that?
Some, I imagine, would have turned to rationality. Some would have turned to knowledge. Others simply turn away.
And these are all things I have done before, which is to say that none of these are permanent.
I'm injured. Battered, bruised, beleaguered, crippled sometimes in the body and sometimes in the mind. Adding to the fact that the very one you wholly trusted tells you that He took away what you have for a good reason unknown to you...
It.....is for the better.
Because He has spoken. Because He has always loved me.
And because I am here.
Because I am alive.
And I truly hope that no matter what, the people who have gotten far (no matter the 'distance') from Him will return.
Return...and cast their cares upon Him.
Return, and sing with joy.
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