Love Poem

Read a blog post about a love letter, and it touched my heart.

I've never really written a love letter to any girl or woman before, the last being an utter disaster in that (1) it didn't have me "confessing my undying love" for her (creepy, if you ask me) and (2) She rejected it all the same. Figures, right?

At that time, though, I thought it was the Michaelangelo's David, the Leonardo's Mona Lisa. It was like a failure masterpiece to me, and it flowed right out from my heart.

But at times, when I attempt to write something beautiful, something poetic that will melt even the stoniest of hearts to the people I truly care for.....My mind goes blank.

Just like in the blog, it was the same for me. My mind totally goes blank when I attempt to think of something artful and enticing, something that makes full use of the latent potential I have in writing, something that capture hearts and stir the deepest of emotions and desires.

Yet.....My mind goes blank.

But when it came to thinking about whether I care for a person, I have little problem. I could easily envision that person and the situation in which I can care for her or him. Sometimes the imagination prefers to be unbridled and free of logic, so I relent and let it run wild for a time. Sometimes the dreams get ludicrous too, though much of it had to do with joyous and happy things.

And every now and then I look back to my empty Microsoft Word screen, my empty Twitter space for typing, my empty space to update statuses in Facebook, wondering if I could make it so deliciously intricate, oh-so mysterious and enticing that it could touch the heart of that girl and make her see me in a different light.

But it seems that's going all the wrong way.

The Love Poem I really need to know....Is to Him, then to myself....And lastly, to my very special other one day.

It might not be filled with sweet-smelling roses and hearts, but the possibility that ambrosias and dandelions will be packed in there....Let it be so real.

Let it so very real.

Loss and Gain

As the year draws to a close, as the curtains fall upon the stage of our lives in this act, I suddenly get this strange mix of feelings. It's like having applause and yet with a few sporadic but prominent boos making their way into my ears.

It's about Loss and Gain.


It feels like I'm about to lose something. It could be anything - A precious item, an essential thought, an irreplaceable person. More often than not I feel it's the last one, and it worries me.

Yet on the other hand, the feeling that I'm going to gain something as well. Things that I have absolutely no idea about. Things that could be completely new, yet even better than what I've lost.

So many possibilities ran through my mind. some enticing, of course, like the loss of a friend and the gaining of a lover. Like the loss of a method and the gaining of an idea. Like the loss of even more time and money and the gaining of a soul in the kingdom of God.

And even as this strange feeling continues, I think the only thing that I can really do is this.

Trust God.

Trust Him that things will work out. Trust Him that He will actually bless me with what I want. Trust Him that He will make the impossible possible. (The second was the hardest, really.)

What will I lose, and what will I gain?

I have no idea....But one thing I know I will never lose.

God's love.

Thanks and Giving

Thanksgiving time together today. Had a great time, needless to say, despite being stricken with worsening flu and feeling giddy all over.

Yet the moment the fellowship and games start, the pain stops. Amazing how it works out, huh?

After the performance (Awesome stuff by Ryan, Jimmy and Kaixiang) and a little testimony from Jimmy that gave glory to Him, after the sharing of giving glory to God and thanking Him for the year, after yet another bout of noisy and fun fellowship, I was left wondering.

All the thanks....I haven't given it properly to the people who have stood by me silently, sometimes desperately, knocking, knocking on the door that hardly seems to bulge.

Yet by the gift of personal gratitude shown to those, especially those who have stuck with me and impacted me in more ways they could imagine, it feels like there's something...different.

Have I changed? Have I become more thankful, more giving?

Looking into the mirror, it doesn't seem so. Isn't it the same, plain old TL, albeit with a bit more scars, looking a little more tired with a little more crinkles, a little less healthy?

But something....something tells me I've indeed been more thankful....and more giving.

So many things have happened this year. Some challenging, some really depressing, some wonderful, some joyous, some confusing, some enlightening, some humbling....

So many, many things.

And when I look back, it suddenly feels like I'm on a mountain, even though it's just a small one. It feels like I had a good view of my troubles and trials, my blessings and experiences. Instead of huffing and puffing and sighing a breath of relief, thanking God that it's finally over, it feels like I'm truly thanking God for making the year a really....interesting year. A really good year.

And every step I take....It feels more and more like I'm reaching the destiny God has for me.

Thank You, Lord.

Thank you, E520

Thank you, dear, dear friends who have made a great impact in my life.


Thank you.

Challenges and Struggles

A Challenge or a struggle. Which do you prefer? Which do you think you're doing more of?

Despite the textbook similarities in the meanings of both words, there is difference between a struggle and a challenge. The former is what most people would be doing, just surviving, just fighting back, being passive and waiting for the fight to come to them, fighting tooth and nail to live on, to crawl through the circumstances simply just to say 'I want to survive.'

Nothing wrong with that, especially when the going gets really tough. But what I'm more interested in now is taking the fight to the enemy.

It seems a little confusing for others, as noted in the reactions of a few people whom I've discussed with about this. Some insist both are the same. Others are just plain clueless. Justifiable, of course. After all, we do refer to dictionaries and language rules about definitions.

My definition, though, determines that a challenge means the direct opposite of a struggle. It is Active. Taking the fight to The Enemy, or your circumstances, instead of waiting for it to come to you. In layman's terms, you deal with it before it deals with you. A simple concept, but often more difficult to carry out than it looks.

Being Active also means that you have to be Aggressive in a challenge. Ever seen challengers for the greatest accolades and honours, especially in sports? Do they wait for the defending champion to come at them? Does the archetype challenger run around in a boxing ring like a monkey and wait for the champion to come at him after losing patience? (Perhaps, in some cases. But note that these types usually have a counterattack strategy, which is also Aggressive in a different way.)

That's what I believe it means to take the fight to your opponent. Throw the first punch. Fire the first shot. Draw first blood. 先下手为强。Common sense, really.

Yet, many of us continue to live in passivity. Some go about their daily routines without a sense of purpose. Others set a simple goal and leave it at that. Then there are some who dream about castles in the sky in the sweet by-and-by....and I'm not exempt from that either.

And when you find the need to be Aggressive towards the things challenging you - especially your identity, beliefs and values - there will always be the need to be Armed. 


Not the Magnums or the Andurils or the Big Berthas, mind you. What I'm talking about are things that can form the core of your beliefs. Your role models. The idols you look up to (not chase after or worship, mind you), the positively beneficial lessons you have learned in life, the concepts that frame your world and make it worth living.

For me, it's The Word. It's the belief in Him that beefs me up, the faith. Then there is prayer, and more believing as well as the various good concepts that help to mould me into a better person.

Take note, that these things should be mostly positive. Considering that most of what The Enemy does against me is negative, and that common sense tells us all that whatever an opponent, a competitor does to us has a negative impact, we should use it's greatest bane: Positivism.

Strange, isn't it? But sometimes the things you have to fight against aren't people, for they are only the agents of the real threat. Those detractors, those backstabbers, those who spurned you despite your very best intentions, those who distance themselves away from you because of misconceptions....They are only the mediums for negative thoughts.

What you should be watching out for is actually....

...Yourself.

No, really. For it is you who determines your own world. For it is I who determine my own world. our words frame our world. What we think about and tell ourselves make or break us. And it is to this enemy that you have the be Active, be Aggressive to and be Armed for.

So....What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for?

Short-sighted

Where do I go from here?

Things are looking up, then down. Then down and down again. Still, the start always seems to be the hardest to go through with.

Already the withdrawal symptoms are showing. Already The Enemy has stirred. Ever since deciding on taking greater responsibility for lives and taking the fight to him, attacks come hard and fast. Illnesses, nightmares, fears, temptations...

It isn't easy.

And sometimes I lose sight of the things that are set before me. The promises He had, the dreams, the visions, the unfulfilled potential, the infinite possibilities what I can become. What anyone can become.

So easy to just see what's in front of us and determine our lives based on just that alone. So easy to just say, "Oh, that's how it's going to be." or when someone asks you what you have planned out for the next five years, you shrug your shoulders and say, "I don't know. Just see how it goes."

We are all so Short-sighted.


Already the problems are looking like the Himalayas to me - insurmountable, daunting, unconquerable. Standing at the bottom and looking up, the peaks can hardly be seen.

Yet....we were meant to be greater than conquerors. Where then, is this indomitable spirit that we should have? Didn't we have great aspirations to work towards? Why did the vicissitudes of life so easily lay claim to our attention, our thoughts and ultimately, our lives?

We are all so Short-sighted.


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On another level, sometimes people walk in and out of your lives. People who you thought would think of you as friends. People who you thought cared. People who you thought you had a chance with to develop the relationship to the next level, be it from an acquaintance to a friend, a friend to a close friend or even from a close friend to a significant other.

The reason? Sometimes you don't know. Most of the time, actually. But there are times where instinct, analysis and smart guesses can net you the right but undesirable answers.

Most of the time, the reason range from you having made a decision or taken an action that are assumed to be offensive to your friends. Your lack of everything that makes you interesting, i.e. looks, charisma, personality and to the fact that you are just being compared to someone else, and we all know there's always someone else better and closer.

Well.....

We are all so Short-sighted. 


And it can't be helped. No one knew that Albert Einstein as a kid was going to be a globally renowned scientist that changed the world at his time.

No one knew that The Beatles was going to be great when they were deemed 'not good enough' by one of the biggest recording companies at their time.

No one knew that Paul Potts was going to win the first 'Britain's Got Talent' contest in 2007 at that time.

No one knew that Nick Vujicic was going to be impacting so many lives despite being born with Tetra-amelia syndrome (the absence of our basic limbs) at that time.

And no one knows that you, or him, or her, or me, will actually become a strong, attractive, charismatic, powerful, mature and great man or woman in our time. A world-changer and a history-maker. A person who, now seemed so frail, weak, dependent and lacking in purpose, will impact nations throughout the world.

And as such, people who left you? They don't know what they are missing. They seriously don't.

But lest it becomes a bitter thought that keeps us in bondage or a taunting one that further erodes our relationships, remember this:

We are all extremely Short-sighted. Even you.

And the only thing we can do, is focus on ourselves more. Become better. Learn how to be an overcomer, a more reliable, attractive person. Learn how to move towards your goals, yet at the same time learn how to be relational lest you become vindictive, proud and aloof.

I'm taking that step to do all those, though it's a long road and already it seems hard. I too, am short-sighted, after all.

Let's take the step together.

Miracle

It did happen, just as Brother John Avanzini preached about it. It did happen.

Okay, not the mind-blowing, wheelchair-tossing, love-finding kind, but to me, a miracle, however minor, is still a miracle. 

Some may make light of it. Others simply think that it's so common that the question marks over their heads are almost visible....But, I won't allow ANYONE, seraph or hell-spawn, man or woman, leader or follower to hijack my belief that this is a miracle. 

I don't know if the people can see this, but it's certain that it's thanks to them. Never have I thought I would have enjoyed myself tremendously. It was as if some part, some real part of me had been liberated from the shackles of self-loathing and doubt and calmly walked out of the prison.

And when the wardens of terrible emotions threaten to rear their ugly heads, seeking to grab the escapee and bring me back into captivity, the amount of authority and firmness I felt when crushing them beneath my feet were astonishingly strong. 

How, when all I had been doing was fight battles, mostly losing ones in that area? How, when it seems like there were too many wars on too many fronts for me to handle?

How?

There was only one thing: Him. The Liege that armed me. The King that protected me within his lands, who sent his Knights to defend my heart, who gave me hope and restored my waning strength with his awe-inspiring Words, who, despite my repeated betrayals, welcomed me back into his Kingdom with open arms, never fearing that I would stick a dagger through one of his Ministers or Sons and Daughters. 

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And it was today that I truly felt this.

I don't talk often about daily occurrences, but really....Just felt...blessed. Filled with hope, perhaps. Thankful for the dissatisfaction boiling over about the lack of progression with Him, with my relationships, and with myself. 

Grateful for the strength given unto me by Him, for the fellowship of the saints, for the laughter, the joy, the jokes, the retorts, the eye contact, the smiles, the discussions, the sharings....

For every little thing, I'm thankful.

Really, guys. Thank you....Because of you, one man feels like he has the courage to feel again. To be himself, and to love again, more than ever.

Thank you....

...and thank You. :')