Pure Frustration.
Pure Confusion.
Pure Anguish.
I can't believe it was only a short while ago that I was telling a friend to keep believing in things that might seem so impossible now for him.
Now here I am, faced with something that probably has nothing to do with me personally and now it fels like I'm attempting to do quantum tunneling by knocking my head on the wall millions of times.
Frustrated, angry, confused, disappointed, anguished, desperation tearing at me. The only thing that kept me here was the fact that the King has made his promises to me and has stood by me. The only thing that has kept me sane, together with that throbbing pain my my legs and heart is the King, the armor He's bestowed upon me for protection and the sword He's given to me to sharpen and slay the Enemy.
I did no slaying tonight.
Remember those shows where the hero rushes in just in the nick of time to save the day? To tell the truth, it has always been a fanciful fantasy of mine to do that for someone. Be it a friend, a potential girlfriend or even my own family members, as long as I do that, it satisfies my urge to help people and leave an impression (subsequently boosting my deflated ego just a little bit).
I couldn't have wished for it more than ever before. So many things I wanted to do to help the people around me. So many times I wanted to contribute to help the people I care for, even the Hi-Bye friends I have in my life. So many, so many....
But every time it turns out the other way. Instead of being the St.George, I was the foot soldier responsible to poking the dragon to make sure it stayed dead after it had been brought down by the Knight in Shining Armor. Instead of being the male protagonist who goes around helping everyone in need with sarcastic - and funny - remarks quipped in between, I was given the role of the male antagonist who unintentionally caused all the trouble, either getting slain or become a convert towards the male protagonist.
I care. I really do, and I really want to help....But what use am I if all I can do is aim at the Enemy with an inaccurate sniper rifle left with a few bullets, when the best course of action was to grab the damsel in distress and take her to safety with guns ablazing? What use is there if I can only shout instructions on how to get across the ravine when the bridge isn't even there in the first place? What good is it if I pound on the door of the needy all day long, and they refuse to open it?
In fact, what good is it if all I'm doing is unintentionally hurting the other person and making the distance between her/him and I longer? What if she/he doesn't want my help and actually needs someone else more? If that someone else is someone close to me, what would I do then...?
What if I'm worry over nothing once again?
I'm seriously confused, but thank God that I'm able to maintain a broken and sincere heart before him. Thank God I'm able to focus on the people I've always wanted to help and pray for. Thank God that despite all these issues, His visions for me remain clear. Thank God that I did not give up trying to put markers for the people in their valley of dry bones. Thank God that despite being an ignorant, arrogant and foolish man,that every time I seek Him, I've found nothing but reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Somehow.
Once again, if all I can do is pray, I shall pray. If all I can do is hope for the people who need help, I shall keep hoping and keep hoping that my King will help them move out of the valley, even if the person/people don't know.
Of course, ultimately I would love to be the hero in the end, as I strengthen myself. As I ditch the dirty garments of mediocrity and don the armor of strength and truth.
In the end, though, it's up to my King.
And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know I shall be given the customary pat on the back from my King as He tells me I'm ready for the next vision.
And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know that I will stand in my visions and dreams, watching them unfold before me with my heart devoid of doubt, filled only with sudden realization and joy.
Keep on, keep on...Keep on keeping on.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Second Best, Dreams Alive
You know how we should always keep ourselves positive and maintain a wonderfully optimistic outlook at things even when we're knee deep in the troubles of life?
Well, that isn't always possible, even if we want that positive feeling to remain throughout our lives.
Frankly speaking, I doubt anyone would want to remain negative throughout their entire lives, but the world's just like that: Always putting you down, screwing around with your emotions and feelings, putting doubt into your hearts and kicking you while you're down. Hard. Sometimes you can't really put all the blame on the pessimists and people severely lacking in self-confidence for trying to see through their shoes or burn a hole in the group a la Superman Laser Eyes.
And that's just it. For me at least.
Keeping myself positive was a difficult task: Limping around with an injured elbow, knee and ankle ligament didn't exactly do wonders for my image. A shockingly disappointing test score for my Social Psychology of New Media module hammered my confidence a little bit more, and the knowledge that my last presentation and project of the semester wasn't exactly done added another nail in the coffin. I was still fine up to this point, of course.
Till the moment I looked at the games done by my other module...mates? Colleagues? Fellow-sufferers in arms? (I personally like the last one, actually.)
Which led me to tell my friend that "Game Design is not for someone to build their self-confidence." Especially not students like me with little expertise in game software, graphics design and creativity.
It was at this point that I doubted again. Will I always be second best? Is there something that I can actually be better at than most people? More than that, why am I always a step later than someone else, that the opportunity I want is lost seemingly forever, that the people I want to reach out to draw away from me and closer to others?
It very, very tempting to fall into depression again as the injury and pain worsened, though it was the pain to my heart that hurt me more. I could have easily said, "Alright, I'm screwed. Let's just give up, get away, toss my visions, dreams and desires away and live like one of those factory workers". I could have hung up my boots without even stepping onto the soccer field. But I didn't.
I couldn't. Too many things to hope for and to give up on. Too many things that I had been promised and yet to see fulfilled. There was NO WAY I'm giving up, even if my dreams seem like millions of light years worth of distance and effort away. It will be like having a passionate, hot-blood nerd wanting to join the badminton team then giving up immediately because he didn't "look cool enough" or "looked like an idiot when playing sports."
It takes effort, but I had to pull myself back to positive thinking and as the Book says, to "be still". Prayer was fulfilling after that and I learned some important things all over again.
1.) When you like something or love someone, it isn't about you all the time. It's about that person, about how he/she is happy. Caring for him/her because you want to be his/her significant other isn't wrong, but we shouldn't do it to boost our egos and feel as though we had done something to deserve such a relationship.
Sometimes we need to learn to stop saying "What about me...?" at certain points in our lives and be totally contrite in our desire to care for the people you love. Helping purely because you believe that it's good for them and that you truly care, not because you feel good about impressing her/him.
2.) Sacrifice is so important sometimes, but we always forget when we live in a 'me' world. It's always 'my' time, 'my' comfort, 'my' issues. Everyone is guilty of that (Unless you're the Son, of course), but that doesn't mean it's inherently wrong. The question we should ask is: How much are we talking about ourselves and throwing aside the things concerning others?
I'm no saint, but frankly speaking, it feels like I'm starting to get it when it comes to sacrifice. Even if it hurts due to doubt, even if it tears my heart apart. All I can do is obey the King when He tells me to sacrifice.
3.) Dreams aren't made in reality. That's why they are called dreams. You bring them to reality.
Sometimes circumstances play a huge part, but in the end it is we who make our own dreams come true. As much as the King has set our destinies aside for us, we decide whether our dreams live or die. No matter how tough, no matter how long the road is and no matter how many times we come out "second best" or even third best, the only thing that can aid us is the hope that someday we'll be able to attain that dream.
Feel like giving up? Of course, especially when the going gets tough. Everyone will feel like throwing in the towel at some point in time. Everyone. The difference is made when you make the decision to keep on keeping on (as one of my favorite people loves to say) despite the circumstances. Despite the objection and rejection Despite it being the most unpopular thing to do.
Even as adults or people who have taken more steps on the path of society, we should learn to keep dreaming and keep learning. I've about a dozen things I want to learn. Take up Korean and Japanese languages, learn to drive, learn to ride a bicycle, learn personal grooming, learn to be more loving, learn to cook...
So many things, so little time.
But I can't possibly give up everything, can I? It's my decision, and this is where I-or rather, we should start again as a hot-blooded, passionate fool who tosses a certain degree of dignity away just to try our best to attain our dreams.
This is where I try once again to be the little boy who dreamed of being a really good school team player for his badminton team. Hot-blooded, passionate, remembering my dreams and forgetting my limitations.
Well, most of them anyway.
And here's where I leave off with an interesting OP from the Japanese anime Eureka 7:
Lovely little song about lost memories and dreams and getting them back. Enjoy.
*Due to some silly technical difficulties, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0StCFKEChU
Lyrics below courtesy of Gendou.com:
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
I wrote "dreams for the future" in that space on the paper, how many years have passed since then?
The gap between reality and ideals shook, the flames of passion disappeared
Hold on! Ho...hold on!
It's a battle from now on, put it up! put it up!
When I give up, it's game over
Will you plow through the present state that's in your hand?
Do you remember? Once upon a time
You certainly gave all of your strength to faint hopes
You lived for tomorrow
Haven't you forgotten about those feelings somewhere?
There's no time period for the springtime of youth, I don't think the number of years have
anything to do with the spirit of inquiry
Isn't that right?
We wanna make the dream come true
In short...
Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom
Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom...
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
"One day I definitely, definitely, definitely will too..."
When I immerse myself in those thoughts, it will definitely end
Pretending to squeeze out some innocent courage, awaken the passion of a child's mind
From when I was a boy, a young man, to the middle aged, I'm still now into something
Shining, yeah, that's what I do
Like challenger, yeah!!
Where does one go from a child to an adult?", I think about that
Which am I??
For how long have you decided to shut yourself up
In the shell of the public?
You ask yourself that in the mirror
"That's not how it is anymore"
Even if the shapes of my dreams change, they should still shine, forever
Look for them, look for them, look for them, look for the pieces of your dreams
Look for them, look for them, look for them
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
What should I do? What can I do like this?
I don't know what I want to do
I believe there's never too late
It's not too late, even though it's just the beginning
The possibilities are infinite
The power to change tomorrow depends upon you
So search for it, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
I wrote "dreams for the future" in that space on the paper, how many years have passed since then?
The gap between reality and ideals shook, the flames of passion disappeared
Hold on! Ho...hold on!
It's a battle from now on, put it up! put it up!
When I give up, it's game over
Will you plow through the present state that's in your hand?
Do you remember? Once upon a time
You certainly gave all of your strength to faint hopes
You lived for tomorrow
Haven't you forgotten about those feelings somewhere?
There's no time period for the springtime of youth, I don't think the number of years have
anything to do with the spirit of inquiry
Isn't that right?
We wanna make the dream come true
In short...
Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom
Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom...
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
"One day I definitely, definitely, definitely will too..."
When I immerse myself in those thoughts, it will definitely end
Pretending to squeeze out some innocent courage, awaken the passion of a child's mind
From when I was a boy, a young man, to the middle aged, I'm still now into something
Shining, yeah, that's what I do
Like challenger, yeah!!
Where does one go from a child to an adult?", I think about that
Which am I??
For how long have you decided to shut yourself up
In the shell of the public?
You ask yourself that in the mirror
"That's not how it is anymore"
Even if the shapes of my dreams change, they should still shine, forever
Look for them, look for them, look for them, look for the pieces of your dreams
Look for them, look for them, look for them
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
What should I do? What can I do like this?
I don't know what I want to do
I believe there's never too late
It's not too late, even though it's just the beginning
The possibilities are infinite
The power to change tomorrow depends upon you
So search for it, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light
Till Next Time. =)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Ups and Downs and Merry-go-Rounds
As mentioned before, life's a roller-coaster.
No, I'm not referring to Ronan Keating's old hit, though the lyrics were pretty refreshing in their own way. It's simply a revelation that I had while in church this early morn, where birds chirped merrily away and the sun grins at the land while the average Singaporean grumbles at the headaches from hangovers or stress of having too much work.
Before preaching even began in its earnest, the verse immediately hit me and I realised why the past few months had been nothing short of tumultous and maddening. Everything happens for a purpose. Everything, from getting an irresponsible team mate to suddenly feeling terribly down and out of steam to picking up a $1 coin, only to have your $10 note surfing away on the waves of the naughty little wind that picked up the red note dropped on the pavement.
Yes, everything. Truth to be told, it was a crazy week for me. Fighting the Enemy with a chipped sword, returning to the King to repair my armor (and a better blade), then going back in and getting thrashed, after which the process repeats itself all over again.
All in a week's work.
But again, everything has a purpose. From the loads of work to the stress then to the sudden lack of confidence that strips you of energy and belief, it WILL all come together for the greater good.
Am I always going to remember that? I doubt it. Being the fallible creatures we are, the tendency for us to magnify the problems and put it in front of us is great. So great that sometimes help an arm's reach or a keyboard away could be forgotten instantaneously. Just by flipping a few pages of that book or just by talking to someone online and pouring out your grievances (Hey, with me you can keep the tap on, no problem), the self-imposed magnifying glass could be shattered - or at least cracked.
So what's the point? What's the point if you know the pattern is going to repeat itself even though you get back up after falling down, knowing that the road is paved with banana skins and tripwires?
Simple. So that you can remove that peel and throw it in the garbage bin. So that you can bend down and remove those blasted traps that send you flying, sometimes literally. Why do people like Thomas Edison get back up after so many failures? So that he can fulfill a dream. Along the way, as he makes his mistakes, he also remembers them then tries again.
There WILL be new tripwires set up by the irritating yet inevitable entity called Life, and more fruity peels left by inconsiderate people. The road is long, the going's tough, but in the end only we can make the decision whether to press on, learning along the way and changing for the better, or always remaining at the same spot, afraid to move, afraid to try, afraid of being mocked at after getting a picture of you falling like an idiot STOMPed.
I'm going to make that choice and keep making it, because I know sometimes my heart fails. But with words of encouragement, with the promises of my King and with certain events in my life, I'll keep moving and keeping progressing as much as I can.
Of course, we need to take into account the Aide that our King has sent us as well. As it was preached today by my pastor, just allowing it to flow into our hearts once more will allow us to burst free of the black shell we've hidden inside of.
And the Merry-go-Round? It's just a matter of perspective, really.
Frankly speaking, I've understood that one of my sole 'good' characteristics is always wanting to help people.
Yes, I know how it sounds. Anyone would have dismissed this statement with a scoff or a sniff and declare that man a self-righteous hypocrite on an ego trip.
Yes. And No.
Still looking at me down your nose? Well, here's a little article that might convince you. Yes, it makes me feel good and no, I find myself no better than other people, not especially when their spontaeity to help others can put any devout Christian/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist/Others to shame.
The thing is, sometimes when I try to help, it usually causes me to end up in the same spot, mixed together with the dizziness and the fact that everyone already had their turn on it and has since moved on.
I get confused, frustrated: Am I doing the right thing, the right way? What IS the right way? Why am I the only one left on the merry-go-round? Can I ever catch up to the group of kids now playing with the swing and having the time of their lives?
But despite it all, I know I have to be patient and wait for the right time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Trees weren't grown in an hour. Chocolate wasn't made in a minute.
Though I hope they WERE made in a minute or less.
Maybe one day, when I go up to the people I want to help with the sincerest heart I can muster, maybe they can just open up to me.
Then "Let me help you" and "I care" wouldn't sound as hollow as it does in many situations anymore. =)
No, I'm not referring to Ronan Keating's old hit, though the lyrics were pretty refreshing in their own way. It's simply a revelation that I had while in church this early morn, where birds chirped merrily away and the sun grins at the land while the average Singaporean grumbles at the headaches from hangovers or stress of having too much work.
Before preaching even began in its earnest, the verse immediately hit me and I realised why the past few months had been nothing short of tumultous and maddening. Everything happens for a purpose. Everything, from getting an irresponsible team mate to suddenly feeling terribly down and out of steam to picking up a $1 coin, only to have your $10 note surfing away on the waves of the naughty little wind that picked up the red note dropped on the pavement.
Yes, everything. Truth to be told, it was a crazy week for me. Fighting the Enemy with a chipped sword, returning to the King to repair my armor (and a better blade), then going back in and getting thrashed, after which the process repeats itself all over again.
All in a week's work.
But again, everything has a purpose. From the loads of work to the stress then to the sudden lack of confidence that strips you of energy and belief, it WILL all come together for the greater good.
Am I always going to remember that? I doubt it. Being the fallible creatures we are, the tendency for us to magnify the problems and put it in front of us is great. So great that sometimes help an arm's reach or a keyboard away could be forgotten instantaneously. Just by flipping a few pages of that book or just by talking to someone online and pouring out your grievances (Hey, with me you can keep the tap on, no problem), the self-imposed magnifying glass could be shattered - or at least cracked.
So what's the point? What's the point if you know the pattern is going to repeat itself even though you get back up after falling down, knowing that the road is paved with banana skins and tripwires?
Simple. So that you can remove that peel and throw it in the garbage bin. So that you can bend down and remove those blasted traps that send you flying, sometimes literally. Why do people like Thomas Edison get back up after so many failures? So that he can fulfill a dream. Along the way, as he makes his mistakes, he also remembers them then tries again.
There WILL be new tripwires set up by the irritating yet inevitable entity called Life, and more fruity peels left by inconsiderate people. The road is long, the going's tough, but in the end only we can make the decision whether to press on, learning along the way and changing for the better, or always remaining at the same spot, afraid to move, afraid to try, afraid of being mocked at after getting a picture of you falling like an idiot STOMPed.
I'm going to make that choice and keep making it, because I know sometimes my heart fails. But with words of encouragement, with the promises of my King and with certain events in my life, I'll keep moving and keeping progressing as much as I can.
Of course, we need to take into account the Aide that our King has sent us as well. As it was preached today by my pastor, just allowing it to flow into our hearts once more will allow us to burst free of the black shell we've hidden inside of.
And the Merry-go-Round? It's just a matter of perspective, really.
Frankly speaking, I've understood that one of my sole 'good' characteristics is always wanting to help people.
Yes, I know how it sounds. Anyone would have dismissed this statement with a scoff or a sniff and declare that man a self-righteous hypocrite on an ego trip.
Yes. And No.
Still looking at me down your nose? Well, here's a little article that might convince you. Yes, it makes me feel good and no, I find myself no better than other people, not especially when their spontaeity to help others can put any devout Christian/Muslim/Hindu/Buddhist/Others to shame.
The thing is, sometimes when I try to help, it usually causes me to end up in the same spot, mixed together with the dizziness and the fact that everyone already had their turn on it and has since moved on.
I get confused, frustrated: Am I doing the right thing, the right way? What IS the right way? Why am I the only one left on the merry-go-round? Can I ever catch up to the group of kids now playing with the swing and having the time of their lives?
But despite it all, I know I have to be patient and wait for the right time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Trees weren't grown in an hour. Chocolate wasn't made in a minute.
Though I hope they WERE made in a minute or less.
Maybe one day, when I go up to the people I want to help with the sincerest heart I can muster, maybe they can just open up to me.
Then "Let me help you" and "I care" wouldn't sound as hollow as it does in many situations anymore. =)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Finding Gold in the midst of Muck x 学无止境
*For the benefit of people who can't read Chinese, 学无止境 literally means 'learning has no boundaries'.
Sometimes you just have to do some things -even if you don't feel like it- to learn valuable lessons.
Truth to be told, I always had no intention of going to the cell group outing today. It was raining earlier, then the Sun came up in its full glory - rays, heat and all. I had deadlines, a messy state of mind that looked worse than my room when I was a bum and lack of sleep owing to wonderful dreams. Simple put, I was in no mood to play and fool around.
But out of all those dark clouds, a solitary beam of light shone through and a voice was heard. A voice so tiny that if you dismissed it immediately, it would have fled and like the fleeting magical moment of a sunset, endured only a short while.
"Go. You promised."
This one was something that Voice in Head had no part in. Amazingly, despite the minuscule nature when compared to the immense blobs of negativity, it resounded loudly in my head like a gong in a large hall devoid of everything but its walls.
I obeyed and went.
And what a time I had.
Without imagining how this whole day would have been made more fruitful by playing while time dwindled away, the fellowshipping itself completely revitalised me.
Lesson #1: Sometimes you REALLY do need to take a rest to walk a longer distance, even if your pursuers are hot on your heels.
The major crick in my Joy mechanism was the fact that I fell hard. From a double bike. Two lessons:
Lesson #2: There are some things you have to experience to give yourself a kick in the behind about doing them, like LEARNING HOW TO RIDE A BIKE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE IN YOUR 20s.
Lesson #3: Don't ever, EVER, take your eyes off the road. Not when you're the other driver in the seat.
So you see? Priceless advice even when you get into trouble.
But wait, there's more. When I was injured the last few times, all I did was laugh it off and hardly anyone cared after the token 'Are you all right?' phrase. It was so common during my badminton days that it came off as just another nondescript remark, another four words that marked the greatest length of a conversation I had with most people.
This time was a little different. The 'token' phrase now took a whole new different meaning when my cell group members went the extra mile to help me get bandages, antiseptic and whatever they could get their hands on to staunch the free flow of blood from my knee and elbow (Oooh...What a waste. Could have donated more to Red Cross). And during that time all I did was maintain the biggest smile I could despite the knowledge that it was going to hurt like mad afterwards.
Lesson #5: When you keep thinking no one cares, not even in a dire situation, they (or the King) just LOVES to prove you wrong...Not that it's a bad thing.
Lesson #6: A bright smile and happy heart a day keeps the blues and pain away. (Well, for the pain, at least it was a relatively longer time than I expected it to be.)
Lesson #7: Experiences like this told me how little I knew about things I should have learned before, how foolish I was in judging others and how stupid I had been in doubting my King.
Sometimes we just need reminders like this that despite it all, despite all the crap you had endured and have to endure in the future, there's always a bright spot in that darkness. In silence, you find solitude, not isolation. In chaos, you find innovation, not insanity.
In trials, you face a sharpening of your spirit, a molding of your personality, a strengthening of your beliefs, not anger, anguish or despair.
At least, that is what we should strive to achieve, even if we keep failing to do so.
I'm still somewhat desperate, of course, but somehow I think things will turn out fine. Even the seemingly hopeless (according to Man) vision that was promised (according to my King) to me.
And to all my cell group members who made my day a wonderful one, thank you.
Sometimes you just have to do some things -even if you don't feel like it- to learn valuable lessons.
Truth to be told, I always had no intention of going to the cell group outing today. It was raining earlier, then the Sun came up in its full glory - rays, heat and all. I had deadlines, a messy state of mind that looked worse than my room when I was a bum and lack of sleep owing to wonderful dreams. Simple put, I was in no mood to play and fool around.
But out of all those dark clouds, a solitary beam of light shone through and a voice was heard. A voice so tiny that if you dismissed it immediately, it would have fled and like the fleeting magical moment of a sunset, endured only a short while.
"Go. You promised."
This one was something that Voice in Head had no part in. Amazingly, despite the minuscule nature when compared to the immense blobs of negativity, it resounded loudly in my head like a gong in a large hall devoid of everything but its walls.
I obeyed and went.
And what a time I had.
Without imagining how this whole day would have been made more fruitful by playing while time dwindled away, the fellowshipping itself completely revitalised me.
Lesson #1: Sometimes you REALLY do need to take a rest to walk a longer distance, even if your pursuers are hot on your heels.
The major crick in my Joy mechanism was the fact that I fell hard. From a double bike. Two lessons:
Lesson #2: There are some things you have to experience to give yourself a kick in the behind about doing them, like LEARNING HOW TO RIDE A BIKE EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE IN YOUR 20s.
Lesson #3: Don't ever, EVER, take your eyes off the road. Not when you're the other driver in the seat.
So you see? Priceless advice even when you get into trouble.
But wait, there's more. When I was injured the last few times, all I did was laugh it off and hardly anyone cared after the token 'Are you all right?' phrase. It was so common during my badminton days that it came off as just another nondescript remark, another four words that marked the greatest length of a conversation I had with most people.
This time was a little different. The 'token' phrase now took a whole new different meaning when my cell group members went the extra mile to help me get bandages, antiseptic and whatever they could get their hands on to staunch the free flow of blood from my knee and elbow (Oooh...What a waste. Could have donated more to Red Cross). And during that time all I did was maintain the biggest smile I could despite the knowledge that it was going to hurt like mad afterwards.
Lesson #5: When you keep thinking no one cares, not even in a dire situation, they (or the King) just LOVES to prove you wrong...Not that it's a bad thing.
Lesson #6: A bright smile and happy heart a day keeps the blues and pain away. (Well, for the pain, at least it was a relatively longer time than I expected it to be.)
Lesson #7: Experiences like this told me how little I knew about things I should have learned before, how foolish I was in judging others and how stupid I had been in doubting my King.
Sometimes we just need reminders like this that despite it all, despite all the crap you had endured and have to endure in the future, there's always a bright spot in that darkness. In silence, you find solitude, not isolation. In chaos, you find innovation, not insanity.
In trials, you face a sharpening of your spirit, a molding of your personality, a strengthening of your beliefs, not anger, anguish or despair.
At least, that is what we should strive to achieve, even if we keep failing to do so.
I'm still somewhat desperate, of course, but somehow I think things will turn out fine. Even the seemingly hopeless (according to Man) vision that was promised (according to my King) to me.
And to all my cell group members who made my day a wonderful one, thank you.
Bewildered, Befuddled and Confounded
And confused.
Truth to be told, I really am, and this time I have no answers.
Just a little earlier, it occurred to me why I always felt depressed and melancholic around people. It was one of those days where, after feeling contented with a few more interesting things previously, that you just sink down into the web of doubt.
It's a icky, sticky nasty little thing, this web. Every time you struggle to get out of it, sometimes it just entangles you up even more. Of course, I won't discount the fact that struggling can also get you out of it, but right after that you have to face the darn spider again, the bugger (pun intended) who trapped you there in the first place.
I digress, though the analogy wasn't entirely irrelevant. Let's continue.
To my horror, I realised that the negativity stemmed from the fact that people around me were usually happy. They had friends who always (or at least seemed very much to) cared for them. There was laughter abound, wonderful, silvery peals of it fluttering about in the air, coloring the otherwise greyish atmosphere of the last lap in the semester filled with dreary deadlines and the dull prospect of poring over books and readings.
And with every additional dose of happiness, my melancholy grew.
Horrifying, isn't it? To have your negative emotions be inversely proportional to the positive ones around you. It's a terrible feeling, sometimes moreso when you realise that you could have pushed your socialisation limits (and luck) and tried to talk to people or simply laugh along.
Which sometimes earns you sniggers and furtive glances with people moving away from you like you had a sudden relapse after a short, pleasant stay in IMH (If you don't know what IMH is, go slap yourself twice and read it up on the Internet).
What was even more terrifying to me was the notion that I could be reverting to my old self once again. The anti-social fool who thought that he could do things alone with his own talents and abilities.
Only this time I had LITTLE talents or abilities to really talk about, let alone boast.
A desperate feeling sinks in and gnaws at my gut, eroding my courage bit by bit. It gnaws at my heart, slowly dissolving the hope that I've been trying to build up. Wait, my King says. Be strong and courageous, He declares.
But for how long must I wait? How do I grow stronger if I don't overcome the challenges in my life right now? How am I supposed to help others with this kind of thinking?
I don't know. Sometimes the feeling was so serious that just a continuous string of MSN reminders of replies from someone else's laptop or computer irritated me. Am I torturing myself? I probably am. Do I want this to continue? Heck no.
Sometimes, being unable to see certain people for a long time or talk with them can result in this, I suppose. People who I can share my woes with. People who would really listen to me without pretense. People who gladden my heart the very moment they appear before me in any manner.
But now it suddenly seems so far away as the silence grows larger and larger, day by day. It is not the kind of silence you find in the library, a graveyard, or even in a picturesque open field of white daffodils. It's the silence you can only feel in your heart. The type that plagues your dreams, corrupting them into a nightmarish horror at times.
So what now? When I feel lost yet do not really want to sound off (for fear of worrying others too much and for my own stupid pride), what can I do?
What can I do, but pray and hope for the best? What can I do but be still and know that He's my King?
What can I do but fight and hope for the best?
Truth to be told, I really am, and this time I have no answers.
Just a little earlier, it occurred to me why I always felt depressed and melancholic around people. It was one of those days where, after feeling contented with a few more interesting things previously, that you just sink down into the web of doubt.
It's a icky, sticky nasty little thing, this web. Every time you struggle to get out of it, sometimes it just entangles you up even more. Of course, I won't discount the fact that struggling can also get you out of it, but right after that you have to face the darn spider again, the bugger (pun intended) who trapped you there in the first place.
I digress, though the analogy wasn't entirely irrelevant. Let's continue.
To my horror, I realised that the negativity stemmed from the fact that people around me were usually happy. They had friends who always (or at least seemed very much to) cared for them. There was laughter abound, wonderful, silvery peals of it fluttering about in the air, coloring the otherwise greyish atmosphere of the last lap in the semester filled with dreary deadlines and the dull prospect of poring over books and readings.
And with every additional dose of happiness, my melancholy grew.
Horrifying, isn't it? To have your negative emotions be inversely proportional to the positive ones around you. It's a terrible feeling, sometimes moreso when you realise that you could have pushed your socialisation limits (and luck) and tried to talk to people or simply laugh along.
Which sometimes earns you sniggers and furtive glances with people moving away from you like you had a sudden relapse after a short, pleasant stay in IMH (If you don't know what IMH is, go slap yourself twice and read it up on the Internet).
What was even more terrifying to me was the notion that I could be reverting to my old self once again. The anti-social fool who thought that he could do things alone with his own talents and abilities.
Only this time I had LITTLE talents or abilities to really talk about, let alone boast.
A desperate feeling sinks in and gnaws at my gut, eroding my courage bit by bit. It gnaws at my heart, slowly dissolving the hope that I've been trying to build up. Wait, my King says. Be strong and courageous, He declares.
But for how long must I wait? How do I grow stronger if I don't overcome the challenges in my life right now? How am I supposed to help others with this kind of thinking?
I don't know. Sometimes the feeling was so serious that just a continuous string of MSN reminders of replies from someone else's laptop or computer irritated me. Am I torturing myself? I probably am. Do I want this to continue? Heck no.
Sometimes, being unable to see certain people for a long time or talk with them can result in this, I suppose. People who I can share my woes with. People who would really listen to me without pretense. People who gladden my heart the very moment they appear before me in any manner.
But now it suddenly seems so far away as the silence grows larger and larger, day by day. It is not the kind of silence you find in the library, a graveyard, or even in a picturesque open field of white daffodils. It's the silence you can only feel in your heart. The type that plagues your dreams, corrupting them into a nightmarish horror at times.
So what now? When I feel lost yet do not really want to sound off (for fear of worrying others too much and for my own stupid pride), what can I do?
What can I do, but pray and hope for the best? What can I do but be still and know that He's my King?
What can I do but fight and hope for the best?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Quirky, quirky
Life is full of ups and downs.
Sound familiar? It should, naturally, unless you've been living in the Himalayas for the past God knows how many years or have been living the most sheltered life known to any living thing. Things always happen, good or bad and life goes on. Sometimes we stupidly wallow in the negative and neglect the positive, but even that is part of life as well.
It was an interesting day today. Woke up feeling horrible (illness still bugging me like a darn cockroach that refuses to die after being accidentally stepped on), went to tutorial totally unprepared with one of the greatest nemeses of an Arts Warrior (no multi-classing unfortunately) ready to take a bite out of my self-esteem at 4, I was sure this was going to be a most unforgettable day, right after my tutor announced that she was handing back our NM3224 Culture Industries essay back to us. Hot on its heels was the news that Man Utd got knocked out of the Champions' League. =(
Oh joy. Another notch on the sword that is swinging down on me. Grinning at my own stupidity for completing it 2 days before the deadline (where I decided to abandon sleep and health for one whole day), I prepared for a beautifully decorated essay with the intricate penmanship of my lecturer and tutor adorning the otherwise accursed thing.
I went through the almost clean and amazingly plain looking papers, my eyes journeying past the forest of words and mountains of phrases to reach its final destination, where an unfamiliar black treasure trove of letters awaited them.
The numbers read 26.
Before you start laughing your heads off, the total marks for the essay was over 30.
A 2-day essay with that kind of a score? Either I was still sleeping or divine grace had been granted upon me. I chose the latter after giving myself a pinch.
Oh, did I mention I prayed desperately on the few days before the deadline? No? Well, now you know. For all my other friends out there, Prayers do work, for the next lecture touched on a test before this. Judging from the comments made by my lecturer, it would seem that there is reason to rejoice as well.
Then came the battle with The Nemesis.
It was an open-book test, of course, else 90% of the cohort wouldn't even have thought of taking the darn module. Unfortunately, sickness and a limited 1GB RAM hard disk in my head took me as far as I could before The Nemesis sucker punched me. What a way to end the day, huh?
With dreary thoughts of wondering how I was going to squeeze into the sardine cans with the other little fishies who had slogged their day away, I saw this:
Beautiful, isn't it?
No. Tsk. Maybe I am weird. Basically, I felt the scenery compelling, though my camera phone was not good enough to capture the essence of it. A flash downpour was what it is, with the evening sun heading to the tavern in the West to take a breather from blessing us with light and attempting to try his hand at cooking with the heat. It illuminated the raindrops that fell like sparkling little crystals from the sky. It was when they pitter-pattered prettily on the hoods of cars did I realise that the pattern somehow reminded me of a music-making band. Or just a humongous drum with plenty of drummers landing a hit on the skin.
Then on my way back, I saw something that nearly took my breath away:
I shall remember to invest in a GOOD camera and take up a photography module next semester. ^^'''
But basically that is it. To me, it looked so phenomenal, like a celestial painting meant for people who were able, for a few seconds, to look up at the skies instead of concentrating on their own things, instead of thinking about how they want to prop up their feet on the coffee table while channel surfing, instead of hoping that their wives and kids stop giving them headaches through incessant nagging and noise and BGR problems.
All they had to do, all we had to do, was to look up, away from our problems for that few moments, and perhaps we could all feel refreshed, even if it was for the briefest of moments. It's not even escapism, not when you have two feet planted firmly on the ground. Take a deep breath, and enjoy the simplest pleasures that we fail to see despite having the gift of sight (and the mundane but useful ability to take a look around and observe).
Of course, don't let your head go to the clouds to build the castles in the sky. That's when you know you've gone too far. Just a little to get yourself pumped up for the rest of the day or to lift your spirits. That works for me, at least.
Quirky, quirky day indeed.
Sound familiar? It should, naturally, unless you've been living in the Himalayas for the past God knows how many years or have been living the most sheltered life known to any living thing. Things always happen, good or bad and life goes on. Sometimes we stupidly wallow in the negative and neglect the positive, but even that is part of life as well.
It was an interesting day today. Woke up feeling horrible (illness still bugging me like a darn cockroach that refuses to die after being accidentally stepped on), went to tutorial totally unprepared with one of the greatest nemeses of an Arts Warrior (no multi-classing unfortunately) ready to take a bite out of my self-esteem at 4, I was sure this was going to be a most unforgettable day, right after my tutor announced that she was handing back our NM3224 Culture Industries essay back to us. Hot on its heels was the news that Man Utd got knocked out of the Champions' League. =(
Oh joy. Another notch on the sword that is swinging down on me. Grinning at my own stupidity for completing it 2 days before the deadline (where I decided to abandon sleep and health for one whole day), I prepared for a beautifully decorated essay with the intricate penmanship of my lecturer and tutor adorning the otherwise accursed thing.
I went through the almost clean and amazingly plain looking papers, my eyes journeying past the forest of words and mountains of phrases to reach its final destination, where an unfamiliar black treasure trove of letters awaited them.
The numbers read 26.
Before you start laughing your heads off, the total marks for the essay was over 30.
A 2-day essay with that kind of a score? Either I was still sleeping or divine grace had been granted upon me. I chose the latter after giving myself a pinch.
Oh, did I mention I prayed desperately on the few days before the deadline? No? Well, now you know. For all my other friends out there, Prayers do work, for the next lecture touched on a test before this. Judging from the comments made by my lecturer, it would seem that there is reason to rejoice as well.
Then came the battle with The Nemesis.
It was an open-book test, of course, else 90% of the cohort wouldn't even have thought of taking the darn module. Unfortunately, sickness and a limited 1GB RAM hard disk in my head took me as far as I could before The Nemesis sucker punched me. What a way to end the day, huh?
With dreary thoughts of wondering how I was going to squeeze into the sardine cans with the other little fishies who had slogged their day away, I saw this:
Beautiful, isn't it?
No. Tsk. Maybe I am weird. Basically, I felt the scenery compelling, though my camera phone was not good enough to capture the essence of it. A flash downpour was what it is, with the evening sun heading to the tavern in the West to take a breather from blessing us with light and attempting to try his hand at cooking with the heat. It illuminated the raindrops that fell like sparkling little crystals from the sky. It was when they pitter-pattered prettily on the hoods of cars did I realise that the pattern somehow reminded me of a music-making band. Or just a humongous drum with plenty of drummers landing a hit on the skin.
Then on my way back, I saw something that nearly took my breath away:
I shall remember to invest in a GOOD camera and take up a photography module next semester. ^^'''
But basically that is it. To me, it looked so phenomenal, like a celestial painting meant for people who were able, for a few seconds, to look up at the skies instead of concentrating on their own things, instead of thinking about how they want to prop up their feet on the coffee table while channel surfing, instead of hoping that their wives and kids stop giving them headaches through incessant nagging and noise and BGR problems.
All they had to do, all we had to do, was to look up, away from our problems for that few moments, and perhaps we could all feel refreshed, even if it was for the briefest of moments. It's not even escapism, not when you have two feet planted firmly on the ground. Take a deep breath, and enjoy the simplest pleasures that we fail to see despite having the gift of sight (and the mundane but useful ability to take a look around and observe).
Of course, don't let your head go to the clouds to build the castles in the sky. That's when you know you've gone too far. Just a little to get yourself pumped up for the rest of the day or to lift your spirits. That works for me, at least.
Quirky, quirky day indeed.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Change
I can feel it...The imaginary breeze that flows through the air, invisible, virtually unknown to everyone except myself.
It starts out as a gentle wind, teasing with tendrils of thoughts, prodding me bit by bit, hoping that somehow I would be able to feel it and hear its soft whispers and heed its advice. The tender wisp of a caress was sometimes too gentle, the words too soft that humans cannot feel it or hear it.
Then the eddy came. And the squall. Next was the gale. With all these, it was impossible to ignore, especially when the dark legions marched over the skies, blotting out the light and raining the rage and sadness of the mother Earth upon me, who suddenly felt so small and insignificant.
Storms come and go and the cycle begins once again, the breeze gently prodding.
This time I will not ignore it. I shall take the gentle hand and hold it. I shall hear the words and affirm them. Having experienced the folly have ignoring it, it's time I start doing something.
It's time to change.
Perhaps it won't be easy, perhaps I might even give up...But somehow, I know the King has brought the wind to me and no matter how great the storm is, I shall keep thinking that I can stand like a house built on rock rather than sand.
Going on to more mundane things, I felt the pangs of pain again in my chest. Can being drunk with too much melancholy and gloom really cause substantial bodily damage after all? I shudder to think about the possibility.
Which is why I'm going to keep trying to think good thoughts. Happy thoughts. Thoughts of bliss without the nasty side-effect of wondering if they will really ever happen or if there will be obstacles in the way. When the time comes, then I'll deal with it.
That's the way it should be.
It starts out as a gentle wind, teasing with tendrils of thoughts, prodding me bit by bit, hoping that somehow I would be able to feel it and hear its soft whispers and heed its advice. The tender wisp of a caress was sometimes too gentle, the words too soft that humans cannot feel it or hear it.
Then the eddy came. And the squall. Next was the gale. With all these, it was impossible to ignore, especially when the dark legions marched over the skies, blotting out the light and raining the rage and sadness of the mother Earth upon me, who suddenly felt so small and insignificant.
Storms come and go and the cycle begins once again, the breeze gently prodding.
This time I will not ignore it. I shall take the gentle hand and hold it. I shall hear the words and affirm them. Having experienced the folly have ignoring it, it's time I start doing something.
It's time to change.
Perhaps it won't be easy, perhaps I might even give up...But somehow, I know the King has brought the wind to me and no matter how great the storm is, I shall keep thinking that I can stand like a house built on rock rather than sand.
Going on to more mundane things, I felt the pangs of pain again in my chest. Can being drunk with too much melancholy and gloom really cause substantial bodily damage after all? I shudder to think about the possibility.
Which is why I'm going to keep trying to think good thoughts. Happy thoughts. Thoughts of bliss without the nasty side-effect of wondering if they will really ever happen or if there will be obstacles in the way. When the time comes, then I'll deal with it.
That's the way it should be.
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