ARRGGGHHHH

Pure Frustration.

Pure Confusion.

Pure Anguish.

I can't believe it was only a short while ago that I was telling a friend to keep believing in things that might seem so impossible now for him.

Now here I am, faced with something that probably has nothing to do with me personally and now it fels like I'm attempting to do quantum tunneling by knocking my head on the wall millions of times.

Frustrated, angry, confused, disappointed, anguished, desperation tearing at me. The only thing that kept me here was the fact that the King has made his promises to me and has stood by me. The only thing that has kept me sane, together with that throbbing pain my my legs and heart is the King, the armor He's bestowed upon me for protection and the sword He's given to me to sharpen and slay the Enemy.

I did no slaying tonight.

Remember those shows where the hero rushes in just in the nick of time to save the day? To tell the truth, it has always been a fanciful fantasy of mine to do that for someone. Be it a friend, a potential girlfriend or even my own family members, as long as I do that, it satisfies my urge to help people and leave an impression (subsequently boosting my deflated ego just a little bit).

I couldn't have wished for it more than ever before. So many things I wanted to do to help the people around me. So many times I wanted to contribute to help the people I care for, even the Hi-Bye friends I have in my life. So many, so many....

But every time it turns out the other way. Instead of being the St.George, I was the foot soldier responsible to poking the dragon to make sure it stayed dead after it had been brought down by the Knight in Shining Armor. Instead of being the male protagonist who goes around helping everyone in need with sarcastic - and funny - remarks quipped in between, I was given the role of the male antagonist who unintentionally caused all the trouble, either getting slain or become a convert towards the male protagonist.

I care. I really do, and I really want to help....But what use am I if all I can do is aim at the Enemy with an inaccurate sniper rifle left with a few bullets, when the best course of action was to grab the damsel in distress and take her to safety with guns ablazing? What use is there if I can only shout instructions on how to get across the ravine when the bridge isn't even there in the first place? What good is it if I pound on the door of the needy all day long, and they refuse to open it?

In fact, what good is it if all I'm doing is unintentionally hurting the other person and making the distance between her/him and I longer? What if she/he doesn't want my help and actually needs someone else more? If that someone else is someone close to me, what would I do then...?

What if I'm worry over nothing once again?

I'm seriously confused, but thank God that I'm able to maintain a broken and sincere heart before him. Thank God I'm able to focus on the people I've always wanted to help and pray for. Thank God that despite all these issues, His visions for me remain clear. Thank God that I did not give up trying to put markers for the people in their valley of dry bones. Thank God that despite being an ignorant, arrogant and foolish man,that every time I seek Him, I've found nothing but reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Somehow.

Once again, if all I can do is pray, I shall pray. If all I can do is hope for the people who need help, I shall keep hoping and keep hoping that my King will help them move out of the valley, even if the person/people don't know.

Of course, ultimately I would love to be the hero in the end, as I strengthen myself. As I ditch the dirty garments of mediocrity and don the armor of strength and truth.

In the end, though, it's up to my King.

And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know I shall be given the customary pat on the back from my King as He tells me I'm ready for the next vision.

And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know that I will stand in my visions and dreams, watching them unfold before me with my heart devoid of doubt, filled only with sudden realization and joy.

Keep on, keep on...Keep on keeping on.