Lull of Languidity

When you know that you're having a sudden slump, that's what it is.

Suddenly you feel so disconnected from the world around you and you just want to lie down, rest and don't get up again for a long time. You just want to throw everything aside and take a long, long breather for the purpose of...nothing except to rest.

I feel like that sometimes, and this was one of those days.

Because of that, because of my lack of discipline, I nearly stumbled again and was quickly reminded that if I strayed off the path, certain things will come back to haunt me.

This is, unfortunately, not a game where I had to get away from the main objective for a while (because it's supposedly one-dimensional) to do side-quests. Kill some rats, take down a rogue magician, perform in the circus etc.

This is my life and only my King and I could decide the path - though ultimately the decisions were made by me and the King does all He can to guide me along.

Losing focus didn't just mean I wasn't able to concentrate on one thing; In fact, it meant that I wasn't able to concentrate on anything at all. Not even reading novels or watching anime. It took me almost the whole day to realise that I was simply wandering about in a languid daze.

I had many of these periods before, which ultimately degenerated into periods of depression and self-condemnation, causing me to shut down emotionally. The difference this time is that I already had a purpose to work for.

All it took was a light poke in the ribs from my King. "You've got something important to do, right?" He says, "What you're doing now...Is it worth it?"

Was it worth it to, for the moment, abandon His blessings for me just to indulge in some laziness or instantaneous fun? Despite being so very short-sighted, I snapped out of it quickly, though it took a mammoth effort.

At such times, I liken it to a battle. A clashing of swords between two powerful warriors, with either side determined to push the other back. A clashing of two powerful minds from two masters of the arcane arts, determined to pit their wills against one another to see who fell. Mind you, these are just duels, not a fight that would determine the fate of the entire world/universe/mankind/chocolate.

I'd like to think I've won, of course. Just barely. Being pushed back all the way and with a sudden surge of strength/will, the enemy gets blown away.

Not that I'm prepared to win the battle just to lose the war. Still, the fatigue I felt mentally was telling: my adversaries are able to replenish their strength quickly, but I'm already labouring, struggling even to return to base camp, fighting to keep my eyes awake, all the while wondering if it was worth it. If I had done my best. If I could have done much better.

Wondering if I could turn back the time and do it in such a way that pleases me and my King in the best possible way.

It's unreasonable, of course, but I believe people do think about being able to go back in time, wishing they could change some things. Wishing they could have entered earlier. Wishing they could have known certain people earlier. Wishing that they could have changed themselves earlier, so that they did not have an Everest to climb right now when it was but Bukit Timah Hill in front of them some years ago.

Wishing I knew how to talk with people in a proper manner, that instead of knocking on metal walls, I would be knocking on doors instead. Especially the one(s) with the flowery carvings.

Every now and then, instead of using my hands, which are sometimes bloodied and bruised, I'm so very tempted to employ a battering ram to knock those damn walls down, throw the rubble aside and walk in with an olive branch in my hands.

Sometimes it takes so long, so long that it is possible by the time I manage to find a small crack in the wall, someone else has already opened the door and I'm left looking like an idiot, wondering what all that effort was for, wondering if I could actually bypass those thick, irritating sheets of solid iron and waltz in with a little flourish and bow at the end just to impress.

I wish I could say this in plainer terms, but secrecy is a strict guard that hardly sleeps, especially when it has been sent to keep watch over my thoughts.

Every now and then, I would get into this Lull over not being able to do anything, over not being able to see even the slightest bit of the result I would want to see. To make matters worse, sometimes the silence from the King is so deafening I wonder whether the earplugs of imagination had somehow became even more potent than ever before.

But see, I need to believe. I have to, because if I stop, everything crumbles and I'll lose everything. I'd drop a huge chunk of my life currently, losing a sense of purpose almost completely that could potentially bring me back to where I was - a sniveling, pathetic little brat in a man's body, crouching by the dimly lit corner without a job, a wife or even a friend.

But sometimes it really does take two hands to clap, y'know?

And ultimately, I just wish that despite looking every part the aloof loner, resulting in people not wanting to talk to me, I could have tried to talk more. Despite all the wonderful changes in my life, my MSN's remained almost as silent as ever.

Problem is, when you are making the effort, when you are trying your best, the King knows. BUT WHO ELSE CARES ABOUT THAT?

I don't know. You can take it that I'm accusing others as much as I'm accusing myself. Bah. I don't really care what they think. What you, you and YOU (IF YOU ARE EVEN READING THIS BLOG) might think. At least I can say right now that you are WRONG. I am NOT aloof, I enjoy the company of others as much as normal people do.

There's just this unknown gap between me and normal people, and I'm still investigating that one.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I just need to cool my head or do a nightcap with my bed tonight. Talk to the King. Read some books. Slay some ogres in my dreams and snoggle to princess (a.k.a letting my imagination take over). Perhaps the earlier battle has knocked some brains out of me, though I still believe that in all that ranting, there's a huge element of truth in it.

Good bye.