Realization and Musings

I have been pretty foolish, haven't I?

On one hand, some could say I'm believing in nothing. On the other, some would say I'm being an idiot for taking myself on the rollercoaster ride, worrying about things that shouldn't be a problem for my King at all.

And then I noticed the underlying negative tones.

This is, unfortunately, me. Good thing is that was the me back then. Bad thing is, it seems like I'm really going on a merry-go-round, stopping exactly where I started off.

And it's going to stop. No matter what.

Well, not the rollercoaster rides. That much is obvious, since I pretty much signed up for it the moment I came into this world. In fact, everyone's on it, though some may have horrifyingly jumped off halfway while others decided to empty their lunches into toilet bowls and pick the nice little carousels with horses instead, but there's no denying the fact that this one is the very first ride we get on.

Languidness has yet to disappear when I got out, unfortunately. Everything passed me in a blur, like I had been the one standing completely still while the world rushed past me. Numb of feeling, numb of need...All I could think about was finishing my darn class, handing in my darn assignment, getting to the darn consultation then getting back home. Getting into the usual routine of looking around and observing people and my surroundings never felt so...dull before.

Then, as my eyes fixed upon a girl who had difficulty deciding between catching up on much needed sleep and studying on the bus, it suddenly felt as though I had woken from a terrible nightmare devoid of everything save darkness.

It got me thinking: What was studying for? Was it to pass her exams or ace them? Is she studying because she loves it (Stupid question really, but you'll be surprised by some people)? Does she enjoy it? Does she abhor it? What was the purpose of studying on a moving vehicle if it's bad for her eyes and she feels more like falling asleep?

And what about me?

What am I going to school for? Why am I feeling so terribly numb whenever I head to campus? What am I studying for? What am I changing for?

What am I worried for? Why am I even worried in the first place?

What, or who, am I wanting to change for?

Concern for yourself is one thing. Doubt was the dangerous alternative. Doubt eats away at your confidence in yourself, confidence in the people who have blessed you. It destroys what you believe in.

Like my visions. and my dreams. Almost like the process of becoming myopic, they start to blur, sometimes fading almost completely when I think about them. Faces within get distorted and colors disappear, turning the whole thing into a silent film of abstract monstrosity.

That's when I realise that I need to pick myself up again. The enemies from yesterday are back, hammering at my gates, shouting insult and abuse, sometimes attempting to seduce me with the benefits of surrender. How easy it would be to just give in, open the gates and welcome them in! How easy it would be for me to lie down and allow the situation to take over completely!

But I realize that that was not patience. It was folly. It was stupidity, because there are things which can be done as fast as you want and things that need time to nurture.

Things like Change and Love respectively.

I've always wanted to change. Be a knowledgeable guy who helps out people with their work or understanding of society. Be the guy who, once looked like a total dork (probably still is, though less so), dish out USEFUL advice on self-grooming. Be the guy who does the menial work so that everyone else can be comfortable. Be the guy who drives you to places you need to go, or know where the best places for eatin are at. Be the guy who entertains without having to feel humiliated or having his image taken apart, piece by piece.

I could always start somewhere, but reading the Book and remembering it has made me realize something: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not self-serving. It does not envy, boast or is easily angered. It trusts, hopes and always, always perseveres.

Perhaps I've been really, really wrong. All I could think of was helping. All I could think of was the welfare of others, when I don't even know how they thought abour their own situation. Maybe they just needed some time alone with the King, or maybe Time itself was the best remedy for their hurts.

And in the heat of my emotions, in my folly, all I could think of was how I could help in the most tangible way possible. How I could pray for that person. How I should be doing everything I can to provide aid.

Stupid, stupid Exel.

I had forgotten the virtues of love and rushed into things, becoming overeager in the process. I had forgotten that I had promised to be patient to see my visions fulfilled.

Worse of all, I had forgotten that there were moments where I felt like that. "Leave me alone" I'd say, then huddle in a corner, cut off most contact from around me except for a select few that I felt could be trusted with what I was facing.

One day, I really want to be in that select few, or circle of friends that certain people can trust. Even though the road is long, the process tedious, I have to just keep hoping and believing. When I go off on my own tangent, I'll need to drag myself back on track again, regardless of what happens.

And if I can't find my way back, my King will. If I can't find break down the mighty walls around a person's heart, my King will.

I just know it.



"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5