I think I'm going to learn how to take things as they come.
Right now, it's just a morsel every time I ask for something. But most of the time I feel that it's sufficient for now. If I can't believe in myself, the least I can do is believe in God's promises.
The reader here probably has a bit to say about how repetitive it sounds, but remember the merry-go-round analogy? Remember the roller-coaster comparison? That's how it is.
Up and down. Buoyant and depressive. Light and dark. It would be a lie to say that life is pretty simple, even as a Christian. Because we are human as well, not some holier-than-thou priest who chants scriptures all day long and pray in tongues even when in the MRT train with lots of people about.
Despite that, one can't discount the blessings given to us. Given to me, more specifically. Even the smallest, tiniest blessing. Even that challenging phase in my life.
Instead of saying "Damn this problem!", I'm learning to say, "Thank you for the challenge, such that I know more about my own weaknesses and strengths. Thank you for the trial such that I can be strengthened and learn more to lean on your strength rather than on my own."
Instead of saying "Why is this happening?" I'm learning to say, "I shall do my very best and lift the rest up to you."
The key word is 'Learning'.
As for effort, perhaps I was too quick to judge on the starting block thing. It is still true that I start a little worse off than most people, and that there are those who come later than me having a better start than I do.
Thing is, I have tried. I really have. But maybe it isn't enough. After all, sometimes when I go at 150%, It's one of the two scenarios below that will occur:
(1) I burn out (sadly, no idea how to change this except to keep strengthening myself in body, mind and spirit)
(2) my 150% might not even be the 75% of the people in front of me.
Maybe that's what it means to start off slow. Maybe my King wants me to learn the virtues of hard work and diligence more than ever before. After all, I did ask Him that I want to come forth as gold.
Someone give me a congratulatory slap on the back for asking for trouble.
No. Actually, perhaps this is really what I wanted, and this is really want my King has given to me. Guess I need to step up. Before that, though, as the athlete, I have to go through that rigorous training to improve my stamina, speed and strength. Again, not easy...But who said it was? If it were that easy, I would like to think that more than 90% of the world's population would love to get saved.
So Lord, help me to improve myself. Help me to build up stamina with your endurance runs. Help me to build up strength with your spiritual barbells. Help me to build up speed with your timed runs with the Holy Spirit. Help me to gain wisdom by interacting and watching other better athletes do their thing. Help me to gain knowledge through the nutrition book of the Word.
Then maybe I can start going at 200% and I can keep trying even when others have long stopped their training.
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