Sometimes I wonder how David felt when he faced Goliath. Even though he knew that God was behind him, wasn't he in the least bit afraid?
Perhaps not. After all, he was the man after God's heart. One of the most normal people I've read about but with a pure desire to follow his God as much as he could. Maybe at that time he was already so convicted in his heart with the promises from God that not even the giant could stand against him. That he could pick up the sword that probably weigh several times more than him.
Just like David, everyone has their own giants to deal with, all of them coming in all shapes and sizes. Tall or squat, fat or thin, handsome or ugly, outwardly aggressive or deceptively dangerous...Just to name a few.
You know, it's pretty fine to have one giant staring you down and looking at you as though you were that next cockroach he's going to crush under his feet. In fact, it's quite okay to have them stand in line, one by one. The fun part comes when all of them converge on you, each discussing a mundane topic while trying to come up with bets on who gets to step on your first.
I gather that everyone has this kind of a moment before, where every problem you could possibly dream up of looms over you like a foreboding shadow, each trying to eat into your light of hope before finally snapping it like a twig before grounding you into the floor. Where they are so huge that they block your dreams and goals away, sometimes even to the extent of making the adage 'out of sight, out of mind' come true.
That I know, which is why comparison is pretty stupid in this case and I WILL NOT compare my own troubles to others, no matter how mundane/terrible it is.
I do hope that somehow God will give me a slingshot with multiple slings and tonnes of stones, where his hand guides my aim. If not, a giant-slaying sword would be nice - Just swing it around, cleave those big buggers into two and get on with my goals and dreams.Where others have already moved on ahead, here I am, still asking and waiting for my weapon.
I want to stop being behind everyone. I want to learn more about my King. I want to stop being so rebellious. I want to learn this and that, do this and that, become stronger, become more spiritual.
Whining? That's most unbecoming if you look at it that way, I suppose...But those are all valid desires to me, for if I'm not strong enough, how can I wield the sword? If I'm always behind others, even those who came later than me, how can I be a guide? If I'm not learning new things, won't I be regressing? If I'm always so rebellious, how can I receive the blessing of God?
Maybe it's the difference in our starting lines and how we move off from the starting blocks. Everyone else's are ahead of you, the amateur sprinter. Some have theirs a little behind yours.
Sometimes you do it again and again due to starting errors and every once in a while you get it good, look back, feel good about the improvements you made. Then you look ahead, and see that everyone, almost everyone-including those who had their starting blocks placed behind yours-already ahead of you. You run with all your might, yet the gap never closes. You start to give up a little and the gap widens. You-as Singaporeans love to say-'wake up your idea' and start up again. The gap closes, but it's the same distance as before.
I really want to say 'liddat lor', but this time it isn't simple. I'm discontented with where I am. I want to change, to improve and show everyone that the potential they were talking about in me could actually manifest. I wanted to look at the faces of my silent critics and laugh in their faces. Most of all, I wanted to be a prime example of just how God could change a person so drastically-From a childish guy of 20-odd years with no direction in lif and lacking in confidence e to a mature dude of 20 odd years who was comfortable with who he is and knew where he was going.
It's true the distance has increased, but comparing a 50 km/h car to one that's able to move at 100 km/h, which would you choose?
I really want to shrug off my past. I really do, but everytime I try to surge past the gians after putting a few to eternal sleep, the other hands grab at me and slow me down, sometimes even pulling me back into their midst. Then I have to restart again, while lots of other people have already slain their giants completely or have outran them. There are new ones too; Things that everyone face, of course. Life without challenges isn't really a life per se.
So, what do I do next?
To be frank, I have absolutely no idea, except build that darn sword with the materials God will provide me sooner or probably later or wait for it to come.
I'll be honest...I'm tired of waiting, but knowing me, I'll probably go back to waiting again and honing my patience once more a few days later.
So....Does anyone have a good sword hilt or something that can help me start?
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