Spirits have reached a low. A different kind of low that could perhaps be revived by a prayer or two, but it got me thinking again: Why has it surfaced again and again?
This 'it', of course, is with reference to how I perceived my social life. I recalled being an anti-social person ever since secondary school began, thinking it the 'cool' thing to do, believing that it showed just how independent I was without requiring anyone's help. Making just a few friends and barely giving consideration to invitations to birthday parties or badminton sessions or the dreaded karaoke sing along events (That was then, though).
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Somewhere in the midst of army life, after partially tearing my left cruciate knee ligament, I felt like it was one of life's challenges. It was something that I could look forward to, something that I could overcome by myself.
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Just a few weeks into my 3-month MC period, I felt irritated. Restless. Ultimately, anger took over to mask the sense of helplessness and a growing need for companionship. I remembered yelling and screaming, plagued by dark thoughts of madness and often went through sleepless nights with tears in my eyes.
It changed, of course, when people came along. When it felt like they cared, and I wondered if I could ever be part of this family, enjoy the warmth and friendship.
Eventually, I did, of course. Things happened, Laughter and tears were had and changes came like a pleasant breeze during a hot summer day. But one thing remained, as did that one question.
Loneliness, that sense of being a wanderer and the customary "Why...?"
Don't get me wrong...I love my cell group. I love the friends I have right now and am starting to love life and socialising many times more than I had when I first believed in solitary strength. I
'm starting to love life once again and slowly picking up the shards left on the floor of my hall of mirrors. Above all, I love praying to God, feeling His presence and just talking to him.
But...What is this loneliness I feel every time I see some of my friends talking to other people with happiness and familiarity, something I've never been able to do for and with them?
What is that desolate depression that seemed to gnaw at my heart whenever I see smiles abound in photos I see on social networks?
Try as I might, the past comes back to me like a seductress, tempting me with seemingly sweet thoughts of dread and insecurity. Sometimes I fall prey and sometimes I don't. This is one of the times that I don't feel that terrible, thankfully, but it got me thinking. A lot.
Was it because I had foolishly decided to be 'different'? Was it because I wanted people to know me as someone strong enough to take on the world? Was it because of my incredibly crass pride?
Was it because I had developed this aura of loneliness around me, that almost automatically keeps people away unless I pull out the Smiling Mask, put it on and perform a show for everyone?
I don't know. I seriously don't. Heck, I don't even know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I just want to talk, know more people and really, genuinely enjoy friendship for once, bringing back all those years I've thrown away. Someone did tell me once I had 'retarded emotional growth'. I could summon no retort to that.
I'll be fine, I think. Today's Easter after all, and I'm happy that there's going to be lots of people that will get to know my King. It's a time of celebration. It's a time to remember what He has done for us.
I have no answers, nowhere to really look to...except up and ahead. I could stay there on the ground, in the foggy rain, befuddled and confused. Or I could keep getting up after every slip. Amidst the pain and through the rain, there is always a silver lining somewhere.
I might get lucky too. Who knows? Walking under the rain can be romantic.
Sometimes.
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