Intruder, They Misunderstood

I feel like an intruder sometimes.

I can't help it. Sometimes it just feels like even though I want to do something for that person that I'm reaching out to, he/she rejects in one way or another.


There's directness and indirectness, of course, but it feels like being more indirect hurts much more, because it generates uncertainty. Being direct sends you warning signs immediately to back off, but being indirect...What am I suppose to think and how am I suppose to act?

Truth to be told, that would be a little unfair. I have been pretty indirect at times and some people are just like that. You can't blame them for being who they are after having such a trait formed through their interactions with their social circle (friends) and past experiences. But there are times where you just wish everything was so straightforward, where when I ask someone if I'm bothering him/her, he/she would just give me a clear answer instead of saying "No lah, not really..." Then shifting your eyes away to look at somewhere else.

Worse still, of course, is when you totally ignore the person who tries to talk to you.The least one could do


I know...because I like to observe people and always had retrospectives on my own actions, so I know.

Or maybe they are just being considerate of my feelings. That's another positive possibility and therein lies the conflict. To be considerate and hurt his feelings, or to be direct and hurt his feelings, period?

Then sometimes I wonder if I'm being too much of an intruder when making friends.

"What? Don't be ridiculous...Who doesn't want a new friend unless he/she's in a bad mood or is a social recluse?"

Sound advice. Sound encouragement. Unfortunately, it almost seems like I'm hitting brick walls whenever I do my best to ease my way into the social circle. Try to talk mundane topics. Try to make jokes. Try to get to know people.

But guess what? No one's interested. Not so many laugh, sadly, and there is hardly any reciprocity to be found. Conversations when I try this out countless times goes like this:

E: What school are you from?

Person: Oh, from ******.

E: Oh, okay. I heard 'this and that' about that school before. My friend used to study there.

Person: Oh, okay.

E:...That book looks interesting. What's it about?

 *Someone else comes along, talks with the person like they are old friends. More friends from the group join in*

That is how my life as a social wanderer started...and is still ongoing, though I have a home to return to sometimes. Sounds like some red-haired wandering samurai in a fictitious setting - Only without the really good friends and romantic stuff.

Well, I do have good friends...But the wanderings were more frequent than the stay-ins (not the army one, of course). 

I can't join in now, can I? It would be like putting a bronze link in a silver necklace - Out of place. Even if I did, it felt out of place. Everyone has their place in the necklace already to make it seem perfect. In fact, more silver links can be added in. But somehow or other I stick out like a sore thumb all the time. There was even an instant where a friend asked me if I joined them just because of a pretty girl in the group.

Well, who doesn't like beautiful things and people? The thing is, is that what it looks like? That I join a group because I have some strange, ulterior motive? That I joined you because I want to look cool? That I joined you because I want to get that much closer to a girl? That I join you because I want some kind of benefits from studying with the people who have much better results than I have?

No, man. All I wanted was friendship. Now that the shackles of being a social recluse have come off, I want to know more people. I want to be interested in the lives of others - Obviously together with the people I prefer to interact with -. I want to feel the joy of friendship.

But you know what? Sometimes even I feel this weird aura from myself that keeps people away.

Is it my looks? Is it my self-imposed disability to smile even though I try (those shackles haven't come off fully yet, I think). Is it the fact that I have nothing interesting to share about? Is it because I don't watch the movies or TV shows that I consider to be generic and you rave about? Is it my sense of fashion (or lack thereof)? Is it the way that I laugh at your jokes even though I don't know you that well?

I don't know, but I hate this feeling. More than that, I hate it when the feeling doesn't last when you actually have a good time with others once in a while. I hate dishing out fake smiles and telling lies about how I have something urgent when I obviously don't feel comfortable with being ignored or just being another person that makes up the numbers of the group. I hate being the person that no one's interested in.

Most of all, I hate feeling like an intruder.

Attention seeking? Yeah, maybe. What's wrong with that? I feel like I'm entitled to some of that after so long an absence away from social stuff.

Same goes for the people whom you ignored too, you know.