Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to hope.
Not that Hope fails, of course, but there are certain things that seem inevitable, that no matter what state of maturity you are at or what kind of mindset you have, some things just won't ever come to you in the near future.
Take for example, a lame man who wants to run a marathon. It is possible for him to attain it, of course, but compared to the man who is already able to walk and has had the experience of training for one, could the lame man ever catch up to him?
"Yes!" The miracle believer says. "Of course!" Says the man who believes in sheer force of will. "Definitely." The man full of faith quips. And they are right, of course.
Surprised? Well, it's the truth. when you believe, when you will yourself to do something and when you're full of faith, things can happen because your mindset changes. As a man thinks, so is he.
However, it's different for everyone. Just like how the Italian soccer player prefers to dive after a soft challenge while the Argentine playmaker prefers to take the crunching tackles and press on. Just like how most Christians prefer to tell the truth while former Romanian diplomats prefer to lie. Just like how I prefer to write and you prefer to speak, perhaps. The preferences are different. The circumstances are different. The cultures are different.
Let's put this into a comparison perspective of similar subjects: Two lame men, both with the same goals. Both equally lame, both starting at the same line. The only difference between the two (Let's put them as the customary Man A and Man B) is that while A goes through the process by himself (as everyone should for their own aspirations), he has tonnes of supporters. Family, friends, relatives, colleagues, fellow students, even acquaintances. People who are vocal in their support. People who egg him on. People who presented the smallest token of it, but gave it nevertheless in relatively large amounts.
On the other hand, B does not.
B has family and friends, relatives and whatnot, of course. The difference lies in the fact that he can't see the support. He can't feel it. He can't hear it.
Both A and B appeared to be both capable and strong, but it should be obvious who would reach the goal first.
-When A and B fall down together on the same route, what does A hear and see? Cheers, words of encouragement, messages of support time and time again.
What does B hear and see? Cheers, words of encouragement, messages of support time and time again. For A. He feels happy for A, but has to get up on his own willpower, faith and strength alone.
My question is this: Can we blame B, then, for 'failing to try hard enough'? Can we keep telling B that it's his own fault that he did not believe strongly in himself? Can we blame B for not being able to keep pace with A or any other people? Should we say that it's his own fault that B, after failing millions of times on the way to his goal, is on the brink of dropping out?
Technically we can, because it is 'natural' for humans to be apathetic towards his neighbours. I'm guilty of it, he's guilty of it, she's guilty of it and YOU are guilty of it. It does make sense in a way. Why should we be responsible for someone else when it's his own responsibility to take care of himself?
Well then, is the guard captain alone able to stave off bandits by himself? Are the Red Devils able to win all their games by themselves with empty seats in Old Trafford? Would cancer survivors be able to fight off the debiliation and the gut-knotting feeling of despair by themselves?
Am I talking about people whom we've shown a lack of concern for? Yes. Am I also talking about myself? Without pretense, yes.
Everyone goes through their own battles in life. Some they are able to deal with while others require some aid. I'm thankful for the King, else I would have really driven myself mad a long time ago - or become an amnesiac from banging my head against the wall a few times too many.
The thing is, the circumstances are different. The routes taken thus far are different. The amount of support you receive is, sadly, also different. Sometimes you might even wonder if anyone cares at all.
Well, as said, I'm thankful that my King does. Even if little people do. Even if it feels like the only real support that can be felt is from the King and the Aide he has sent to me. Even if it hurts so many times. Even if, as the goalkeeper, you have to face a 11-player strong opposition by yourself.
In a tangible sense, sometimes you just really have to go ahead and do it.
Alone.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Light/Dark, Good/Bad
A tiring day and a good chat later, this thought suddenly occurred to me.
There's always the issue of Light vs Darkness, Good vs Bad. Of course, everyone in the right mind would love to be in the light, since it gives us many benefits.
Light gives us Sight.
Light gives us Warmth.
Light gives us Happiness.
Light gives us Comfort.
And most importantly, Light gives us Hope and helps us to Love.
Conversely, Darkness brings about the most negative aspects in a situation or life.
Darkness brings Blindness
Darkness brings Frigidity
Darkness brings Sorrow
Darkness brings Fear
Darkness brings Despair and Hatred.
One might argue that you would feel comfortable in the darkness since no one sees you. That would also mean you can't see anyone for that matter, and not a single person can live without having a human nearby. No, not one....Unless you're a hermit that has reached a Zen-like state while meditating on the inexplicable truths of life for the past twenty years when you're past your prime while growing a beard Santa Claus would have been proud of.
You might argue that the darkness of night brings you calm. Well then, how would you feel if you can't even see that it's night or day? How would you even know that it's 'dark'?
It feels like I'm opening a can of worms here, but eventually I believe that Light trumps it. Darkness cannot exist without Light, but Light can exist without Darkness. In simpler terms, If you do not know what is Light, how can there be Darkness? If you can't even see, how do you know you (1) can't see and (2) that what is before you is called 'Darkness' when you are left groping for something to hold on to for comfort?
Conversely, the argument should apply for Light to Darkness, right? Not entirely. As far as I know it, the world didn't start in darkness. I wasn't born in darkness, and neither were YOU (unless you were, sadly, a babe borne blind..).
HOWEVER, I do think that there exists a balance between the two.
A sociological POV that I came across sometime back argues that if there were no deviants in the society, how can there be saints? Without deviance, there is nothing for 'good' to contrast with and therefore, the definitions become void.
Then I thought back to the conversation I had: If something bad was happening to you, it means that I'm doing something good and the Enemy is out to stop me at all costs. Fair enough. In fact, I find the explanation most valid, for too many times when I try to do something good, something nasty always happens to me and I fail horribly without managing to succeed.
Is the reverse true, then, that if something good is always happening to me, I'm not doing any good at all? If there's a balance between Light and Darkness, shouldn't this be the case as well?
No.
First of all, good things are what we consider as blessings. Who in the world, in the right frame of mind would reject and question blessings? Perhaps the man who thinks he least deserved it for what he has/hasn't done, but even then the joy of receiving them still exists, even if it exists in the most minute of particles.
Secondly, there's a difference between something inherently good and something that isn't bad.
Confused? It's quite simple, really. Good simply means blessing. Nothing bad means...Well, nothing much is happening. Neither good nor bad. Just smack dab in the middle. Fence territory. No-man's land.
Don't get me wrong. I do fence-sitting many times, but being in this kind of a state feels like you're in a state of complete rest. Nothing's happening to you. Isn't that just dainty?
Heck no. While you're comatose, everyone's moving on (perhaps popping in for a visit or two, with more important people hoping you would wake up and move on with them as well). While you travel the path of complete dreamers, those who put action to thoughts have already climbed up the social and corporate ladder. While you're cryogenically frozen, the world's advancing, and when you wake up, you're - to put it bluntly - a dusty old relic, ready to be electronically archived in the museum after they take pictures and videos of you, then send you to the antique store to help some poor man earn his living selling old things only the wonderfully wealthy can afford.
Not my idea of a wonderful life, but I digress.
Thirdly, with the doubt that everyone would love to reject goodness in their lives, no man (or woman, since this is about balance after all) would ever think of accepting fabulously, spectacularly, excellently and intricately crafted misfortunes like a kid would his presents on Christmas.
Everyone hates rotten crap in their lives. Things like getting lousy grades to losing your job, having people ignore you to being persecuted and not being able to talk to your crush to getting into a situation that causes you to go "...What did I marry myself to...?".
The principle is simple. If we don't like it, we should strive to CHANGE it.
Simple, right? Of course. The theory is always simple. It's the practical that kills off interest.
Well, good news. you aren't the only one learning. Everyone's doing it every day, every hour, every minute, every second something nasty drops in on your life that causes you to go 'FML'. At least, everyone SHOULD be learning to say, 'Let's overcome this.'
So, hitting closer to home, I just thought to say this:
To everyone out there having a tough time believing in themselves, doing things or facing tough challenges in their darkest hour, let's all JIAYOU! =D
There's always the issue of Light vs Darkness, Good vs Bad. Of course, everyone in the right mind would love to be in the light, since it gives us many benefits.
Light gives us Sight.
Light gives us Warmth.
Light gives us Happiness.
Light gives us Comfort.
And most importantly, Light gives us Hope and helps us to Love.
Conversely, Darkness brings about the most negative aspects in a situation or life.
Darkness brings Blindness
Darkness brings Frigidity
Darkness brings Sorrow
Darkness brings Fear
Darkness brings Despair and Hatred.
One might argue that you would feel comfortable in the darkness since no one sees you. That would also mean you can't see anyone for that matter, and not a single person can live without having a human nearby. No, not one....Unless you're a hermit that has reached a Zen-like state while meditating on the inexplicable truths of life for the past twenty years when you're past your prime while growing a beard Santa Claus would have been proud of.
You might argue that the darkness of night brings you calm. Well then, how would you feel if you can't even see that it's night or day? How would you even know that it's 'dark'?
It feels like I'm opening a can of worms here, but eventually I believe that Light trumps it. Darkness cannot exist without Light, but Light can exist without Darkness. In simpler terms, If you do not know what is Light, how can there be Darkness? If you can't even see, how do you know you (1) can't see and (2) that what is before you is called 'Darkness' when you are left groping for something to hold on to for comfort?
Conversely, the argument should apply for Light to Darkness, right? Not entirely. As far as I know it, the world didn't start in darkness. I wasn't born in darkness, and neither were YOU (unless you were, sadly, a babe borne blind..).
HOWEVER, I do think that there exists a balance between the two.
A sociological POV that I came across sometime back argues that if there were no deviants in the society, how can there be saints? Without deviance, there is nothing for 'good' to contrast with and therefore, the definitions become void.
Then I thought back to the conversation I had: If something bad was happening to you, it means that I'm doing something good and the Enemy is out to stop me at all costs. Fair enough. In fact, I find the explanation most valid, for too many times when I try to do something good, something nasty always happens to me and I fail horribly without managing to succeed.
Is the reverse true, then, that if something good is always happening to me, I'm not doing any good at all? If there's a balance between Light and Darkness, shouldn't this be the case as well?
No.
First of all, good things are what we consider as blessings. Who in the world, in the right frame of mind would reject and question blessings? Perhaps the man who thinks he least deserved it for what he has/hasn't done, but even then the joy of receiving them still exists, even if it exists in the most minute of particles.
Secondly, there's a difference between something inherently good and something that isn't bad.
Confused? It's quite simple, really. Good simply means blessing. Nothing bad means...Well, nothing much is happening. Neither good nor bad. Just smack dab in the middle. Fence territory. No-man's land.
Don't get me wrong. I do fence-sitting many times, but being in this kind of a state feels like you're in a state of complete rest. Nothing's happening to you. Isn't that just dainty?
Heck no. While you're comatose, everyone's moving on (perhaps popping in for a visit or two, with more important people hoping you would wake up and move on with them as well). While you travel the path of complete dreamers, those who put action to thoughts have already climbed up the social and corporate ladder. While you're cryogenically frozen, the world's advancing, and when you wake up, you're - to put it bluntly - a dusty old relic, ready to be electronically archived in the museum after they take pictures and videos of you, then send you to the antique store to help some poor man earn his living selling old things only the wonderfully wealthy can afford.
Not my idea of a wonderful life, but I digress.
Thirdly, with the doubt that everyone would love to reject goodness in their lives, no man (or woman, since this is about balance after all) would ever think of accepting fabulously, spectacularly, excellently and intricately crafted misfortunes like a kid would his presents on Christmas.
Everyone hates rotten crap in their lives. Things like getting lousy grades to losing your job, having people ignore you to being persecuted and not being able to talk to your crush to getting into a situation that causes you to go "...What did I marry myself to...?".
The principle is simple. If we don't like it, we should strive to CHANGE it.
Simple, right? Of course. The theory is always simple. It's the practical that kills off interest.
Well, good news. you aren't the only one learning. Everyone's doing it every day, every hour, every minute, every second something nasty drops in on your life that causes you to go 'FML'. At least, everyone SHOULD be learning to say, 'Let's overcome this.'
So, hitting closer to home, I just thought to say this:
To everyone out there having a tough time believing in themselves, doing things or facing tough challenges in their darkest hour, let's all JIAYOU! =D
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Transfer x Walk, Tip-Tap Second Step
Exactly as it says.
I don't know how many people have been reading my blog (shouldn't be more than ten, I believe) and how much you've seen, but there are things I realise I cannot be so forthcoming. First of all, it wouldn't be fair to myself and my blog. Secondly, Some things can only be understood by certain individuals.
Which is why I shall hit some high notes at a new, private blog. Access will obviously be limited to some, of course...Those who can tolerate the noise that either me or Voice in Head can generate. The alternative, would be to scroll all the way down and type in 'I understand' without looking through the huge chunks of text. Sounds very novel, no? People often feel obligated to read stuff all the way and spend too much time wondering what the heck is this guy jabbering on about. This is the cost-saving method. Hope you like it.
On a lighter note, I went for a night stroll to evict the fragments of dark thoughts still squatting around inside my mind without a permit. The rain was light though umbrellas could still be seen in their full glory on the streets. Coming in various shapes and sizes, it told me exactly what most people thought of it.
To me, it was perfect.
Dinner was an easy affair with cha soba (Gotta love the feeling and sound when slurping them up), then I went for a walk in the rain, without an umbrella.
So glad I didn't wear a jacket or windbreaker. The wind felt wonderful together with the rain. It was an inexplicable feeling when the pitter-patter of tears from the sky fell upon me, my worries just seem to melt away. The squatters fled into the darkness of the night as though the army of Heaven had been set upon them.
Then there were the lights.
No, I'm not talking about a near-death experience. For the first time, when I threw everything aside and took the time to savor the sights in a seemingly mundane atmosphere, I saw the beautiful little things, dancing about merrily like the seas of stars we could have seen if not - ironically - for the city lights.
Strangely, having a pair of glasses with an unspeakable number of scratches on the lenses gave me a different insight: Instead of seeing the structures from which the light originated, all I saw were blobs of colors, swirling about like an abstract picture painted by either the craziest contemporary painter or one of the most brilliant:
And all the while I had been taking my time to walk around a large empty lot. No doubt people would think me nuts one way or another. If only the rain was bigger...
There was nothing romantic about the feeling I had, sadly, but it was worth it. Just by getting out of my routine and doing what I felt like doing cleared my mind so much. Praise to the King for rain. =) It might seem impractical, but sometimes slowing down can do so much to increase your potential to accelerate in some aspects of life. As the quote goes, "Haste makes waste." Why not take a nice little break out of your routine for magical moments like these?
And here I shall end with another tale spun from my web of imagination.
I don't know how many people have been reading my blog (shouldn't be more than ten, I believe) and how much you've seen, but there are things I realise I cannot be so forthcoming. First of all, it wouldn't be fair to myself and my blog. Secondly, Some things can only be understood by certain individuals.
Which is why I shall hit some high notes at a new, private blog. Access will obviously be limited to some, of course...Those who can tolerate the noise that either me or Voice in Head can generate. The alternative, would be to scroll all the way down and type in 'I understand' without looking through the huge chunks of text. Sounds very novel, no? People often feel obligated to read stuff all the way and spend too much time wondering what the heck is this guy jabbering on about. This is the cost-saving method. Hope you like it.
On a lighter note, I went for a night stroll to evict the fragments of dark thoughts still squatting around inside my mind without a permit. The rain was light though umbrellas could still be seen in their full glory on the streets. Coming in various shapes and sizes, it told me exactly what most people thought of it.
To me, it was perfect.
Dinner was an easy affair with cha soba (Gotta love the feeling and sound when slurping them up), then I went for a walk in the rain, without an umbrella.
So glad I didn't wear a jacket or windbreaker. The wind felt wonderful together with the rain. It was an inexplicable feeling when the pitter-patter of tears from the sky fell upon me, my worries just seem to melt away. The squatters fled into the darkness of the night as though the army of Heaven had been set upon them.
Then there were the lights.
No, I'm not talking about a near-death experience. For the first time, when I threw everything aside and took the time to savor the sights in a seemingly mundane atmosphere, I saw the beautiful little things, dancing about merrily like the seas of stars we could have seen if not - ironically - for the city lights.
Strangely, having a pair of glasses with an unspeakable number of scratches on the lenses gave me a different insight: Instead of seeing the structures from which the light originated, all I saw were blobs of colors, swirling about like an abstract picture painted by either the craziest contemporary painter or one of the most brilliant:
And all the while I had been taking my time to walk around a large empty lot. No doubt people would think me nuts one way or another. If only the rain was bigger...
There was nothing romantic about the feeling I had, sadly, but it was worth it. Just by getting out of my routine and doing what I felt like doing cleared my mind so much. Praise to the King for rain. =) It might seem impractical, but sometimes slowing down can do so much to increase your potential to accelerate in some aspects of life. As the quote goes, "Haste makes waste." Why not take a nice little break out of your routine for magical moments like these?
And here I shall end with another tale spun from my web of imagination.
* * *
There was once a very wealthy man who lived in the city. So wealthy was he that his mansion stood out even amongst the elite of the society. So wise was he in managing his finances that even the King would ask him for advice time and again.
The man had five sons. The first four had grown into handsome young men, their features finely chiseled, their physiques built so well it was as though God had crafted them personally, and their eyes so dazzling that one glance could take a maiden's breath and her heart away instantly. They were blessed with an immense amount of talent, each well-versed in various fields. The first had great knowledge of war and combat and was set to be groomed as the next Commander-in-chief of the King's army; The second was extraordinarily gifted with a sense for art and music, be able to make the most mundane-looking thing look like a divine creation and literally singing birds and people to him.
The third had the gift of the gab. So charismatic and empowering was he that even the most apathetic man would be mesmerized when he spoke. The fourth was imbued with an extremely rare talent for magic, being able to learn the most complex incantations and spells in the shortest time possible and even surpassing the most experienced magicians in the kingdom.
And what of the fifth son? He was an oddity, to say the least. He had talents of his own, but none surpassed that of his brothers'. He knew a little of this and that, learned some here and there but ultimately, he was like a crow in the midst of peacocks, a rock amongst the most breath-takingly beautiful gems.
Needless to say, he felt hopelessly inept and useless. The issue was compounded even more due to the fact that all the brothers had picked up the philantropic attitude from their father. They always helped out whenever they could, sparing little thought for their own comfort.
One day, war came to the kingdom. The enemy was a fierce and vicious tribe of warriors who had already swallowed several countries, leaving death and destruction in its hellish wake. The city went into a state of emergency and the people began to prepare for it. The first son went to the front lines to help prepare the defense. The second stayed and sang epics of courage to boost the soldiers' morale. The third helped out with the recruitment of soldiers and gave motivational speeches to allay the fears of the people. The fourth went to a safe area to prepare with the other magicians, hoping to turn the tide in their favour with the manipulation of the powers of nature. The fifth son stayed behind as well, helping with the manual labour.
However, one day, as he began piling up sacks to create barricades for his house, he had enough. Flopping down onto a chair, he exclaimed loudly. "I had enough!"
His father stopped work immediately, sat down beside him and asked him in a calm voice. "What is it, my son?"
"I've had enough, Father! Why can't I go out and help the others like my brothers did? Was it because I had nothing to offer?"
His father placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Son, no one has nothing to offer. It is just everyone has different abilities and talents."
"But look at them! They are so talented and are already able to help due to their experience. All I can do is place sacks at our doorstep and wait for the enemy to come in, hacking us to death! I feel so useless!" Unable to take it anymore, the fifth son started sobbing.
The man watched as his son wept bitterly. As his cries subsided, he asked him simply. "Have you calmed down, my son?"
Sniffing, his son nodded.
"Well then, let me tell you this. In my eyes, you are the equal of your brothers. Others look at their talents, I look at your potential; Others see their beauty, I see your heart; Others see a rock, but I see a jewel in the rough. My son, you have the greatest potential that has yet to be undiscovered and you have to remain not because you are not needed, but because you have a reason to be here."
"Really?" His son raised his tear-streaked face to see his father smiling.
"Yes, my son. Your emotions are yours and I cannot guarantee that you will not feel inadequate again, but believe in your father and your brothers who trusts and believes in you to defend our house."
The fifth son nodded and with renewed purpose, began building up the barricades again.
After the war had been won, the fifth son went on to become the greatest architect the kingdom had ever known, designing the most sturdy walls civilization had ever seen.
There was once a very wealthy man who lived in the city. So wealthy was he that his mansion stood out even amongst the elite of the society. So wise was he in managing his finances that even the King would ask him for advice time and again.
The man had five sons. The first four had grown into handsome young men, their features finely chiseled, their physiques built so well it was as though God had crafted them personally, and their eyes so dazzling that one glance could take a maiden's breath and her heart away instantly. They were blessed with an immense amount of talent, each well-versed in various fields. The first had great knowledge of war and combat and was set to be groomed as the next Commander-in-chief of the King's army; The second was extraordinarily gifted with a sense for art and music, be able to make the most mundane-looking thing look like a divine creation and literally singing birds and people to him.
The third had the gift of the gab. So charismatic and empowering was he that even the most apathetic man would be mesmerized when he spoke. The fourth was imbued with an extremely rare talent for magic, being able to learn the most complex incantations and spells in the shortest time possible and even surpassing the most experienced magicians in the kingdom.
And what of the fifth son? He was an oddity, to say the least. He had talents of his own, but none surpassed that of his brothers'. He knew a little of this and that, learned some here and there but ultimately, he was like a crow in the midst of peacocks, a rock amongst the most breath-takingly beautiful gems.
Needless to say, he felt hopelessly inept and useless. The issue was compounded even more due to the fact that all the brothers had picked up the philantropic attitude from their father. They always helped out whenever they could, sparing little thought for their own comfort.
One day, war came to the kingdom. The enemy was a fierce and vicious tribe of warriors who had already swallowed several countries, leaving death and destruction in its hellish wake. The city went into a state of emergency and the people began to prepare for it. The first son went to the front lines to help prepare the defense. The second stayed and sang epics of courage to boost the soldiers' morale. The third helped out with the recruitment of soldiers and gave motivational speeches to allay the fears of the people. The fourth went to a safe area to prepare with the other magicians, hoping to turn the tide in their favour with the manipulation of the powers of nature. The fifth son stayed behind as well, helping with the manual labour.
However, one day, as he began piling up sacks to create barricades for his house, he had enough. Flopping down onto a chair, he exclaimed loudly. "I had enough!"
His father stopped work immediately, sat down beside him and asked him in a calm voice. "What is it, my son?"
"I've had enough, Father! Why can't I go out and help the others like my brothers did? Was it because I had nothing to offer?"
His father placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Son, no one has nothing to offer. It is just everyone has different abilities and talents."
"But look at them! They are so talented and are already able to help due to their experience. All I can do is place sacks at our doorstep and wait for the enemy to come in, hacking us to death! I feel so useless!" Unable to take it anymore, the fifth son started sobbing.
The man watched as his son wept bitterly. As his cries subsided, he asked him simply. "Have you calmed down, my son?"
Sniffing, his son nodded.
"Well then, let me tell you this. In my eyes, you are the equal of your brothers. Others look at their talents, I look at your potential; Others see their beauty, I see your heart; Others see a rock, but I see a jewel in the rough. My son, you have the greatest potential that has yet to be undiscovered and you have to remain not because you are not needed, but because you have a reason to be here."
"Really?" His son raised his tear-streaked face to see his father smiling.
"Yes, my son. Your emotions are yours and I cannot guarantee that you will not feel inadequate again, but believe in your father and your brothers who trusts and believes in you to defend our house."
The fifth son nodded and with renewed purpose, began building up the barricades again.
After the war had been won, the fifth son went on to become the greatest architect the kingdom had ever known, designing the most sturdy walls civilization had ever seen.
* * *
This might sound a little Aesopian, but I do hope whoever reads this can learn something that will help you in whatever way possible.
There you go. Tip-tap Second Step.
There you go. Tip-tap Second Step.
Fade of the Crimson, Saturation of the Azure
As swiftly as it came, it went.
Wonderful feeling, isn't it...To have anger completely taken out of your system. God simply does these things so well sometimes that I didn't even know it was Him until I woke up from the nightmare I've trapped myself in.
It was somewhat comforting to know some people cared. Even if it was token, even if it was but a mere question, the bitterness did not subside completely. Where were the people whom I talked and laughed with? People I shared my innermost thoughts with? Why did it boil down only to those few who I don't talk with on a regular basis?
One quote from a friend that had nothing to do with this struck me then: "It doesn't take much to know who your true friends are."
So very tempted to put this into my context, but then again, I realise I probably don't have any true friends to start with. At least, not at the moment. Yet I still believe that aside from God, someone genuinely cares. I still believe that somehow, the certain people that I desire for to talk to or console me, or even be concerned in the slightest bit would do so.
Naive, isn't it? NOW you can laugh.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but it feels like the worst is over...Only for blues to set in.
It's one thing for others to call you a loser. It's another to realise that they don't have to do so for you to realise you are one. Literally. To be honest, I've never felt superior to anyone, least of all to people who are close to me. Green is a wonderful color, but not when it comes with a certain negative emotion. It irks me, because no one else is to blame. I was made like this through social pressures, self-delusion/loathing and the words spoken to me by the people around me. It's good to be sensitive, but not overly so, apparently.
And so the Crimson fades, but the Azure remains, though now I strongly believe it would not be for long, now that I have picked myself up once again despite being battered, bruised and almost torn asunder emotionally.
Keep the Dream alive.
Wonderful feeling, isn't it...To have anger completely taken out of your system. God simply does these things so well sometimes that I didn't even know it was Him until I woke up from the nightmare I've trapped myself in.
It was somewhat comforting to know some people cared. Even if it was token, even if it was but a mere question, the bitterness did not subside completely. Where were the people whom I talked and laughed with? People I shared my innermost thoughts with? Why did it boil down only to those few who I don't talk with on a regular basis?
One quote from a friend that had nothing to do with this struck me then: "It doesn't take much to know who your true friends are."
So very tempted to put this into my context, but then again, I realise I probably don't have any true friends to start with. At least, not at the moment. Yet I still believe that aside from God, someone genuinely cares. I still believe that somehow, the certain people that I desire for to talk to or console me, or even be concerned in the slightest bit would do so.
Naive, isn't it? NOW you can laugh.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but it feels like the worst is over...Only for blues to set in.
It's one thing for others to call you a loser. It's another to realise that they don't have to do so for you to realise you are one. Literally. To be honest, I've never felt superior to anyone, least of all to people who are close to me. Green is a wonderful color, but not when it comes with a certain negative emotion. It irks me, because no one else is to blame. I was made like this through social pressures, self-delusion/loathing and the words spoken to me by the people around me. It's good to be sensitive, but not overly so, apparently.
And so the Crimson fades, but the Azure remains, though now I strongly believe it would not be for long, now that I have picked myself up once again despite being battered, bruised and almost torn asunder emotionally.
Keep the Dream alive.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Lamento di la Vagabondo
*The title is loosely translated from Italian, meaning "Lament of a Wanderer".
Spirits have reached a low. A different kind of low that could perhaps be revived by a prayer or two, but it got me thinking again: Why has it surfaced again and again?
This 'it', of course, is with reference to how I perceived my social life. I recalled being an anti-social person ever since secondary school began, thinking it the 'cool' thing to do, believing that it showed just how independent I was without requiring anyone's help. Making just a few friends and barely giving consideration to invitations to birthday parties or badminton sessions or the dreaded karaoke sing along events (That was then, though).
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Somewhere in the midst of army life, after partially tearing my left cruciate knee ligament, I felt like it was one of life's challenges. It was something that I could look forward to, something that I could overcome by myself.
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Just a few weeks into my 3-month MC period, I felt irritated. Restless. Ultimately, anger took over to mask the sense of helplessness and a growing need for companionship. I remembered yelling and screaming, plagued by dark thoughts of madness and often went through sleepless nights with tears in my eyes.
It changed, of course, when people came along. When it felt like they cared, and I wondered if I could ever be part of this family, enjoy the warmth and friendship.
Eventually, I did, of course. Things happened, Laughter and tears were had and changes came like a pleasant breeze during a hot summer day. But one thing remained, as did that one question.
Loneliness, that sense of being a wanderer and the customary "Why...?"
Don't get me wrong...I love my cell group. I love the friends I have right now and am starting to love life and socialising many times more than I had when I first believed in solitary strength. I
'm starting to love life once again and slowly picking up the shards left on the floor of my hall of mirrors. Above all, I love praying to God, feeling His presence and just talking to him.
But...What is this loneliness I feel every time I see some of my friends talking to other people with happiness and familiarity, something I've never been able to do for and with them?
What is that desolate depression that seemed to gnaw at my heart whenever I see smiles abound in photos I see on social networks?
Try as I might, the past comes back to me like a seductress, tempting me with seemingly sweet thoughts of dread and insecurity. Sometimes I fall prey and sometimes I don't. This is one of the times that I don't feel that terrible, thankfully, but it got me thinking. A lot.
Was it because I had foolishly decided to be 'different'? Was it because I wanted people to know me as someone strong enough to take on the world? Was it because of my incredibly crass pride?
Was it because I had developed this aura of loneliness around me, that almost automatically keeps people away unless I pull out the Smiling Mask, put it on and perform a show for everyone?
I don't know. I seriously don't. Heck, I don't even know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I just want to talk, know more people and really, genuinely enjoy friendship for once, bringing back all those years I've thrown away. Someone did tell me once I had 'retarded emotional growth'. I could summon no retort to that.
I'll be fine, I think. Today's Easter after all, and I'm happy that there's going to be lots of people that will get to know my King. It's a time of celebration. It's a time to remember what He has done for us.
I have no answers, nowhere to really look to...except up and ahead. I could stay there on the ground, in the foggy rain, befuddled and confused. Or I could keep getting up after every slip. Amidst the pain and through the rain, there is always a silver lining somewhere.
I might get lucky too. Who knows? Walking under the rain can be romantic.
Sometimes.
Spirits have reached a low. A different kind of low that could perhaps be revived by a prayer or two, but it got me thinking again: Why has it surfaced again and again?
This 'it', of course, is with reference to how I perceived my social life. I recalled being an anti-social person ever since secondary school began, thinking it the 'cool' thing to do, believing that it showed just how independent I was without requiring anyone's help. Making just a few friends and barely giving consideration to invitations to birthday parties or badminton sessions or the dreaded karaoke sing along events (That was then, though).
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Somewhere in the midst of army life, after partially tearing my left cruciate knee ligament, I felt like it was one of life's challenges. It was something that I could look forward to, something that I could overcome by myself.
How. Wrong. I. Was.
Just a few weeks into my 3-month MC period, I felt irritated. Restless. Ultimately, anger took over to mask the sense of helplessness and a growing need for companionship. I remembered yelling and screaming, plagued by dark thoughts of madness and often went through sleepless nights with tears in my eyes.
It changed, of course, when people came along. When it felt like they cared, and I wondered if I could ever be part of this family, enjoy the warmth and friendship.
Eventually, I did, of course. Things happened, Laughter and tears were had and changes came like a pleasant breeze during a hot summer day. But one thing remained, as did that one question.
Loneliness, that sense of being a wanderer and the customary "Why...?"
Don't get me wrong...I love my cell group. I love the friends I have right now and am starting to love life and socialising many times more than I had when I first believed in solitary strength. I
'm starting to love life once again and slowly picking up the shards left on the floor of my hall of mirrors. Above all, I love praying to God, feeling His presence and just talking to him.
But...What is this loneliness I feel every time I see some of my friends talking to other people with happiness and familiarity, something I've never been able to do for and with them?
What is that desolate depression that seemed to gnaw at my heart whenever I see smiles abound in photos I see on social networks?
Try as I might, the past comes back to me like a seductress, tempting me with seemingly sweet thoughts of dread and insecurity. Sometimes I fall prey and sometimes I don't. This is one of the times that I don't feel that terrible, thankfully, but it got me thinking. A lot.
Was it because I had foolishly decided to be 'different'? Was it because I wanted people to know me as someone strong enough to take on the world? Was it because of my incredibly crass pride?
Was it because I had developed this aura of loneliness around me, that almost automatically keeps people away unless I pull out the Smiling Mask, put it on and perform a show for everyone?
I don't know. I seriously don't. Heck, I don't even know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I just want to talk, know more people and really, genuinely enjoy friendship for once, bringing back all those years I've thrown away. Someone did tell me once I had 'retarded emotional growth'. I could summon no retort to that.
I'll be fine, I think. Today's Easter after all, and I'm happy that there's going to be lots of people that will get to know my King. It's a time of celebration. It's a time to remember what He has done for us.
I have no answers, nowhere to really look to...except up and ahead. I could stay there on the ground, in the foggy rain, befuddled and confused. Or I could keep getting up after every slip. Amidst the pain and through the rain, there is always a silver lining somewhere.
I might get lucky too. Who knows? Walking under the rain can be romantic.
Sometimes.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Random Musings, Continued
What do you know? Laughs were had for a while. Amazingly, it was almost like what I was thinking about had came true. Students were uncharacteristically responsive to Lecturer Z today at the Social Psych of New Media lecture. She just seemed to press one of those right buttons today, showing a Just For Laughs segment to emphasize the disruptions of shared public space and displays of behavior that was beyond the standards of social acceptability. For quick reference, here's the clip:
I find it pretty hilarious how some of the people who had been pranked actually used the shoe as though it was second nature. Amazing how they chose to ignore social norms and just went ahead with the flow.
Of course, not everyone would have acted like these people. There are probably more than half of the local population here who would cast a quirked eyebrow, a look of distaste or simple get up and leave immediately without reaction to this kind of things. Apathy and pragmatism rules in Singapore, baby.
That was the exact situation my friend and I found ourselves in when he pulled out his laptop, two USB PS2 controllers and started up Pro Evo Soccer 2010 in the Arts canteen. I made myself felt better by thinking that Cyclops of X-Men fame was thankfully (1)a fictional character and (2) not attending the same University as me. The feeling faded after a while though, since I couldn't care less. All I wanted to do was to relax a bit with some guy pal entertainment.
Making it in time for the Einstein's Universe lecture and pondering how I would have to rearrange the cells in my brain after this lecture, I had Prof. P to thank for livening up the subject as much as possible with his serious quotes that somehow turn into a joke, even though he keeps repeating, "No, I'm serious about this." One more cheer for laughter in the LT.
And then there was the little treat I found in one of those interesting little contraptions that presented quaint little bottles of beverages on a conveyor belt:
STRAWBERRY MILKKKKKK!!! =D
Funny choice of drink for a guy, no? Thanks to a weak stomach, I can't take more than a cup of coffee without feeling hyper, and Milo? Too generic. This is the nectar that keeps my thoughts flowing and my brain cells in one place. Somehow I survived the lecture with two bottles of pink goodness and stayed awake throughout. FOR ONCE.
I find it pretty hilarious how some of the people who had been pranked actually used the shoe as though it was second nature. Amazing how they chose to ignore social norms and just went ahead with the flow.
Of course, not everyone would have acted like these people. There are probably more than half of the local population here who would cast a quirked eyebrow, a look of distaste or simple get up and leave immediately without reaction to this kind of things. Apathy and pragmatism rules in Singapore, baby.
That was the exact situation my friend and I found ourselves in when he pulled out his laptop, two USB PS2 controllers and started up Pro Evo Soccer 2010 in the Arts canteen. I made myself felt better by thinking that Cyclops of X-Men fame was thankfully (1)a fictional character and (2) not attending the same University as me. The feeling faded after a while though, since I couldn't care less. All I wanted to do was to relax a bit with some guy pal entertainment.
Making it in time for the Einstein's Universe lecture and pondering how I would have to rearrange the cells in my brain after this lecture, I had Prof. P to thank for livening up the subject as much as possible with his serious quotes that somehow turn into a joke, even though he keeps repeating, "No, I'm serious about this." One more cheer for laughter in the LT.
And then there was the little treat I found in one of those interesting little contraptions that presented quaint little bottles of beverages on a conveyor belt:
STRAWBERRY MILKKKKKK!!! =DFunny choice of drink for a guy, no? Thanks to a weak stomach, I can't take more than a cup of coffee without feeling hyper, and Milo? Too generic. This is the nectar that keeps my thoughts flowing and my brain cells in one place. Somehow I survived the lecture with two bottles of pink goodness and stayed awake throughout. FOR ONCE.
* * *
As they say, though...All good things must come to an end. Somehow my mood just went downhill from here, but my King has kept me lifted up somehow. Most of those thoughts had to do with church, unfortunately...Something I might touch on some other time.
For now, after a day of laughter and fun and probably another on Good Friday, it's going back to rushing projects, rushing tutorials, mugging...
For now, after a day of laughter and fun and probably another on Good Friday, it's going back to rushing projects, rushing tutorials, mugging...
Of April Fool's and Random Musings
Exel:
Today so happens to be a wonderful day. It's the eve of Good Friday, a wonderful time for all. I've already heard several TGIGFs circulating around like it's the buzz phrase of the week.
It also so happens to be April Fool's.
And the joke was on me.
It was only just half an hour ago did I realise that after FINISHING my General Biology assignment on Tuesday, and checking my IVLE account did I realise with that horrible, sinking feeling that something was absolutely wrong.
And how right I was, though I wish I wasn't. Under assignment submission, the number read (0).
Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind that wasn't yet shocked into paralysis by this undeniable fact, I was wishing that my Bio lecturer would pop up behind me with a silly grin plastered on his face and shout two words that would have brought me instant relief to that knotting feeling in my chest. Never would I have been happier to hear them coming out from someone's mouth, least of all a teacher.
Yep, you got it. The first word starts with a capital 'A' and the second, a capital 'F'.
First time I ever finished a Bio assignment before time and this happens. I'm wondering if The Enemy is laughing at me somewhere from below (Which is fine, really, since I'll make sure this will be one of the last chances this year that he will be laughing at me).
Yep, joke's on me. A pretty bad one, if I may add. The one good thing about spending April Fool's in campus without any good friends around is the fact that no one plays any childish pranks on you, because everyone's busy mugging, rushing projects, rushing for tutorials, rushing to print notes, sauntering to lectures annnd rushing home right after that to catch the transportation that would take them back to their comfortable little sanctuaries.
Still, I'm optimistic that good things are going to happen today. I have a philosophy that has been developed by mixing with wonderful people I know in church, and it goes like this:
It's really as simple as that. Really.
* * *
On another note, I actually contemplated doing an April Fool's joke here about closing the blog or being a hacker with a "All your base are belong to us" message, but realise it would have been done in terribly poor taste. Trying to be funny is one thing. Being really humorous is another. The Enemy, for one, is trying to be funny in my life, though I'll probably find that droning Japanese Studies Professor so much more humorous.
Now that I think about, April Fool's doesn't always have to be about tricking or being tricked by your friends or colleagues, then leaving the scene with an angry expression on your face for failing in your jokes or being hoodwinked.
It should be a day about laughter. Almost as much as any day should be.
I love to laugh more than what my face indicates at times. It is so essential right now, especially in this period of pandemonium and insanity (A.K.A Sauteed Deadlines stuffed with a delectable filling of examinations...Yummy. @_@) that we need to release what we have caged inside like a raging beast waiting to pounce once the seal is accidentally broken.
Somewhere. Somehow. With someone.
Why not scream out your frustrations at the sea and let the waves carry them away? Run out your worries till the only thing you think about is finishing that last 1 km within the time limit? Laugh and whoop at the littlest blessings and joy you find in your day? Talk your worries away over tubes of ice cream and button mashing video games with your best girl and guy friends?
Why not do it with friends? With family? With loved ones? With that someone you always cared about?
Why not do it today?
And at the end, if you find it embarrassing in some way, you can always shout "April Fool's!"
Remember to laugh. =D
Today so happens to be a wonderful day. It's the eve of Good Friday, a wonderful time for all. I've already heard several TGIGFs circulating around like it's the buzz phrase of the week.
It also so happens to be April Fool's.
And the joke was on me.
It was only just half an hour ago did I realise that after FINISHING my General Biology assignment on Tuesday, and checking my IVLE account did I realise with that horrible, sinking feeling that something was absolutely wrong.
And how right I was, though I wish I wasn't. Under assignment submission, the number read (0).
Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind that wasn't yet shocked into paralysis by this undeniable fact, I was wishing that my Bio lecturer would pop up behind me with a silly grin plastered on his face and shout two words that would have brought me instant relief to that knotting feeling in my chest. Never would I have been happier to hear them coming out from someone's mouth, least of all a teacher.
Yep, you got it. The first word starts with a capital 'A' and the second, a capital 'F'.
First time I ever finished a Bio assignment before time and this happens. I'm wondering if The Enemy is laughing at me somewhere from below (Which is fine, really, since I'll make sure this will be one of the last chances this year that he will be laughing at me).
Yep, joke's on me. A pretty bad one, if I may add. The one good thing about spending April Fool's in campus without any good friends around is the fact that no one plays any childish pranks on you, because everyone's busy mugging, rushing projects, rushing for tutorials, rushing to print notes, sauntering to lectures annnd rushing home right after that to catch the transportation that would take them back to their comfortable little sanctuaries.
Still, I'm optimistic that good things are going to happen today. I have a philosophy that has been developed by mixing with wonderful people I know in church, and it goes like this:
"If, after receiving revelation, you're suffering from some setback, it means you're on the right track and something is trying to hold you back."
It's really as simple as that. Really.
Now that I think about, April Fool's doesn't always have to be about tricking or being tricked by your friends or colleagues, then leaving the scene with an angry expression on your face for failing in your jokes or being hoodwinked.
It should be a day about laughter. Almost as much as any day should be.
I love to laugh more than what my face indicates at times. It is so essential right now, especially in this period of pandemonium and insanity (A.K.A Sauteed Deadlines stuffed with a delectable filling of examinations...Yummy. @_@) that we need to release what we have caged inside like a raging beast waiting to pounce once the seal is accidentally broken.
Somewhere. Somehow. With someone.
Why not scream out your frustrations at the sea and let the waves carry them away? Run out your worries till the only thing you think about is finishing that last 1 km within the time limit? Laugh and whoop at the littlest blessings and joy you find in your day? Talk your worries away over tubes of ice cream and button mashing video games with your best girl and guy friends?
Why not do it with friends? With family? With loved ones? With that someone you always cared about?
Why not do it today?
And at the end, if you find it embarrassing in some way, you can always shout "April Fool's!"
Remember to laugh. =D
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