Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 70: Questions

Is hope linked with expectations, or are they two very different things? 

If yes, is it wrong to say that "I don't want to have any more expectations out of this" and declare "BUT I still have hope that something good is going happen?" 

If not, then what exactly are they, if not linked? 

Maybe it's the slight fever + migraine + flu I suddenly came down with, but this thought that accompanied it just wouldn't go away, what with the situations I'm in. 

Would be nice if someone who reads this actually answered.

If not, screw it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 69: Inspiring Revival

SOT graduation today.

For those who do not know, SOT stands for School of Theology.

But before that, cell group and service, and fellowship.

And I felt so blessed.

Truly, church is the place where miracles happen. One moment I felt like I wanted to just lie there and don't get up, before I knew it, the next thing I was doing was cheering for the SOT graduates and singing praise.

It's a resurrection. Not of the physical nature, but a spiritual one...And one thing that struck me again and again, like the hammer knocking against the bell to create that incessant ringing sound in a fire alarm, was this sentence:

"Be faithful in the small things. Be grateful for the small things."


How true that was.

It wasn't that cell group wasn't good. The feeling of heaviness was just too...heavy. Things weighing on my mind, literally. There was this time where I thought I simply wasn't feeling it enough.

Until the arrival at church. Until the small bits and pieces of conversations I keep having with friends on the way. The bits and pieces of conversation I had with friends in church, and the joyous atmosphere due to the impending graduation of students from Bible school.

All these were small things. Seemingly unnoticeable most of the time, but its all these small little things that built up. It's not a big event in church or a big celebration that returned me from the dead, but rather all these small things.

And I wonder: Perhaps I've neglected these small things. Neglected noticing them. Neglected appreciating them. Neglected practising them. And in the process, somehow I felt like I've lost it all, after a few bigger things appeared to consolidate all of these into one or two big, fat issues.

Perhaps we all have.

Small things like talking to friends, having a simple meal with them, giving a word of encouragement, giving just that few minutes of time to reply to them and to meet that need of wanting to be listened to...It goes a long way.

Which is why I'm really, really thankful to all the friends who have spoken to me, encouraged me, cheered me up. Offered to help.

You guys and gals all rock.

-----------------------------

Watching the SOT graduates up there inspired me greatly.

It's been a desire, one that I kept on the back burner for some time, to be up there as well. To be throwing not one, but hopefully two mortar boards in 2011.

Especially the winner of the most courageous graduate, who had to go through many different trials and difficulties, yet managed to persevere and graduate smoothly.

Guess what? He's an old gentleman who looked to be about 70+ years of age!

It amazes me, and I couldn't help but ask: When such a man, so advanced in age managed to pass through trials (probably tonnes bigger than a teenager's or a young adult's), what are we doing with our problems? What are we doing with our time and energy that we can spend in bettering ourselves by enrolling into SOT?

Yes, he's more experienced in life and yes, he has more time to attend SOT. Those are the common arguments used, things that will eventually sound like excuses. Those which are NOT excuses, of course, are work commitments that take up much of your time. For example, a new employee of any company or institution, especially teachers, can't just take six months of leave or have an excuse to attend Bible school like that. Maybe family commitments, and maybe your own level of faith that time spent there will ultimately be a great thing for you and a manner in which to glorify the King.

By the way, 'see how bah' isn't a valid excuse either. I tried that myself on different things, and end up defaulting on them all the time (A.KA procrastinate). Three simple words, but almost equally powerful as those three words that could make your life a *bit* more rosy at a certain stage of your young adult life.

And that's how I thought of it. Maybe it's time to make good that promise to the King. Time to pray and fast again. Just to confirm, y'know?

Who knows...Maybe instead of being the mediocre, nondescript student, I might actually be grateful to the King for every small little thing I did for others, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to Man.

---------------------------

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 68: Of Two-Way Doors and Mistakes

Doors are often made to be opened in one single direction - If one person pushes, the one on the other side has to pull to open it. The 'one' here can refer to anything - People, person, dreams...Whatever a person desires to achieve or receive.

Yet more often than not, certain doors don't work like that, and there are many times where you thought it was fine and good to pull/push on that door, only to find it that for some particular reason, the other side adamantly doesn't want you to open it, when there have been times where you were able (or in some cases, allowed) to open it and interact with the person on the other side.

That's the problem with these doors. They don't have peepholes, make the whole place sound-proof and are impossible to break down without certain unsavory consequences arising (only in a few rare cases do they turn out for the good, if I may add). You can't see through them - and we aren't supposed to, anyway - and have no idea what's going on on the other side. No sound, nothing.

All you have is the notion that you could still be allowed to open the door, perhaps send some letters through a postbox built into the wall next to the entrance, and when you tried, it seems that something else had happened. The door suddenly becomes shut. You can't interact with the person on the other side. Even the return letters stop coming back. You knock. Where there used to be even the slightest bit of reply during times like these, suddenly nothing returns. At best, a half-hearted one wriggles out to your ears.

Then you wonder why. What did you do? What happened? Was the other side angry at something you did - or worse still, did not do? Was the other side facing some problems and troubles of their own?

The first impulse is to knock again repeatedly. Show concern. Offer aid, if needed. To your consternation and perplexity, the other doors to other people remain wide open, while yours remain shut, and the natural tendency of any human is to start believing that "It's my fault. It has to be."

And perhaps some of it is indeed one's own fault, even if you have no idea what you did. No one tells you, either due to the lack of knowledge or concern. The other side probably does know, but what good is it if they don't want to tell you?


Maybe you've knocked too many times and became an intruder instead of the guest you've always been. Maybe the door's been open too many times for you, that the other side decided to destroy the temptation to let you in more by completely shutting you out. Maybe the other side thinks you're getting too close for comfort, be it personal and private space or something that the other side doesn't want to make known to you. The worse possibility is, of course, that other people at the other doors might have something to do with why your door is shut.

"Insecure!" They shake their fingers at you accusingly. "What a dork." The female scorn is apparent. "No one likes pushy people." Others reasoned. "What a loser." The Popular Opinion voice scoffs. "The other side doesn't care about you one bit. Just give up, fool." The malice is full in this one.

So many voices, so many thoughts stampeding through your head. So much chaos inside that you can't wait to tear or break something apart, scream and shout, pummel the wall until either it breaks or your fists do and weep your heart out till you run out of tears.

But through that cacophony, only one voice matters.

The one that led then guided you here.

The one that reassured you that everything is going to be fine.

The one that brings calm to you, filling your soul down to its very depths with surreality and hope.

The one that ensures anything said against you, any lies, any deceit or discord sown against you will be uprooted and things will be brought to light.

The one that slowly makes you reflect and prise your fingers away from the doorknob.

The one that asks you to step back, allowing breathing space for yourself and for the other side before trying again.

The one that urges you: "Don't give up!"

One voice, that covers your mistakes and strengthens you.

One voice, that guides you along the turning point when you don't know what to do.

One voice, that still continues to show you the hammer of hope despite the darkest uncertainties that arise in your heart, smashing the ominous weeds that threatened the flower of your dreams.

One voice.

Follow it.

And things will definitely, definitely turn out all right.

Besides, some of the other people can help you too, especially if they are nearly as encouraging as the one voice you hear.

그것은 괜찮을거야.


それは大丈夫になるだろう.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 67: The Whole Package

"Lousy" doesn't even begin to cut it.

What a way to start a week...Unable to concentrate, unable to focus, didn't manage to stick to my game plan to finish off the stuff I needed to do. I'm going to be in for more sleepless nights. 

The nightmares didn't help either. Most of them were subtle, of course, making me wonder why the hell did I suppress the good dreams I had been having, thinking that it would be leading me down the wrong path. Well, instead of the wrong path, now it feels like I've taken a detour on a endless pavement of thorns. 

Only thing I can do now is pray. Ask, seek, knock. Make do with some action, stay confident and strong, and get a balance.

----------------------------------

At times like this, you realise that things always come in a whole package. 

Take for example, university education. It holds the promise of a better future once you do well. It seems to encourage greater freedom, that students have to print their own notes, choose their own majors and modules, set their own timeslots for lectures and tutorials. It promises greater variety of everything - subjects you wanted to learn but could never during your JC (Junior College) or Poly (Polytechnic) days, CCAs you've ALWAYS wanted to take (i.e. Kendo, Ballroom dancing) but never had the chance to learn, responsibilities you've never dreamed of taking up (mini-events management and planning). You get the time you need to prepare your tutorials in advance. You can arrange the time such that you can even hang out with friends on free days (a novelty for secondary school and JC students), get down to a chic bar or the hip club in town , making merry and having fun. 

However, at the same time, you are faced with other concerns. You get modules that take up chunks of your time. You chose something wrongly and although you started out with interest in the subject, gradually it fades because you can't keep up. You're constantly bombarded by conversations that compared 'my B+' to 'his A-'. There are more cliques, and you're not sure you can fit into anywhere. People who had the freedom of choice to choose CCAs chose the 'Go-Home Club', but some regret not joining other more wholesome activities as they now find their lack of social skills a terrible challenge in getting a job or chasing a girl. Others still, face financial difficulties due to hefty school fees, and literally throw away everything else in order to make ends' meet while trying to get a good score. The additional freedom also proves a distraction, resulting in faltering results.

It's a whole package, like it or not...A surprise one at that. Some people just receive a greater portion of the negative side of things, while others have the fortune to receive the better part. 

That goes for love as well. 

For some, the thrill of the chase. Knowing that you're pursuing her, touching her life in little ways, then in bigger ones. Getting to know him/her, knowing the fun parts (likes/dislikes, favorite things), being able to talk with them freely and openly with the ever-so present teasing and flirting we associate with young love. interacting with friends around them, having them tease you and him/her about it. Things look rosy. Life feels rosy.

On the other hand, we have the unfortunate group who get nothing in return. They are spurned time after time, either because of their lack of social skills or their deficiencies in the looks, charisma and financial department. Even with the 'heart', they find it difficult. Sometimes they are ignored, even shunned when they haven't done anything wrong - or rather, haven't been told what they did wrong. Some go through bouts of jealousy watching the guy/girl talk with someone else happily. Some get depressed when the person they have been hoping to get into a serious relationship with end up with someone else. 

Two spectrums. 

Even church is the same. You get touched by the message and presence of the King, get saved, get filled with the Helper, receive promises, see a positive change in you, get surrounded by great friends who seem always to look out and care for you. Every day with them is a great day. Every time you go to church you feel wonderful. You feel revitalised from a tiring week, from the irritating subordinate you find peace and forgiveness for him/her. You get encouraged and feel like you can take on anything again for a few more weeks.

But there's the setbacks. There's the uncertainty that you are really a child of the King, that He has really promised you 'this' and 'that'. You feel down and out at times, sometimes unable to hear His voice at all and wonder whether He has given up on you. Even in such a wonderful environment, you forget that people are imperfect. There are those who hurt you, unintentionally and otherwise, and you feel lost, betrayed and filled with despair. Sometimes no one speaks to you. Sometimes you feel people just don't like you for some reason you cannot fathom, because no one has told you why, least of all the people who shun you in the first place.

All in a whole package. 

As always, some receive the negative side of things, while others simply enjoy the better side of it most of the time. The one constant that is certain is that everyone goes through the bad and the good times. You might have been terribly emotionally scarred in the past due to constant bullying and comparisons. Guess what? She had her own problems with past relationships and betrayal from friends. He might have killed someone by accident and is constantly plagued by guilt. Guess what? She is a single mother of three who once had two abortions and had to go through the pain of letting her own children die. 

The whole package.

School. Love. Life. God knows how many more other things comes in whole packages. Probably everything else in this life. 

So many times I just wanted more good things to come. Studies to be better. Discipline to be well-built smoothly. The path towards forging good, strong and loving relationships with people around me a golden road. Life a little less of  a struggle.

But there's always the thing about good and bad....Perhaps while you and I suffer now and keep trekking through nearly impassable jungles filled with monstrous denizens and deadly traps, we might just be walking on the beautiful fields of flowers after that once we learn how to deal with all the crap life has to throw at us.

I....really hope for that.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 66: What the Heck.

Fruitless cause?

Feels like. Hopefully it's just a misinterpretation of things, stemming from the fact that all the ugliness I'm seeing right now are things I have to deal with.

But more often than not, doubt sets in. Should I climb over this wall? Should I ram it down? Should I wait until it erodes? Should I build a door into it?

On the other hand, peace also sets in. It's alright to wish for it, to pray for it. It's perfectly fine to keep trying. One day, you never know....It might just happen exactly as I hoped it would. For once.

Keep having this dilemma of trying, but thinking that I might be trying too hard, or that if I don't try hard enough, things won't happen...Or worst still, go in the opposite direction, whatever that means.

Yet whenever I doubt, whenever I thought of giving up, whenever I thought "Hey, maybe you're just wasting your time, effort, resources. These signs tell you all you need to know. Back off. Stop trying. Give up.", A still, small voice stops me. A simple, sentence, a simple prod. So gentle, so soothing that I didn't even realise it spoke to me until I thought back about the reason why I suddenly felt optimistic again.

"Don't give up." "Keep going." "Keep believing, keep hoping."

Was that what it feels like to be listening to the King? To actually hear something so simple, yet feel so edified, so encouraged then even the most charismatic inspirational speakers urging you on in a loud voice could never bring that sort of uplifting mood to you.

Perhaps it was. I'm inclined to believe it, because it was the same voice, using the same tone, the same gentleness that told me things that came to pass. Eventually. Took a pretty long time, but in the end it worked out well.

It feels like I really need to be more earnest. Not just in seeking the King, but also be more earnest in my own requests. It always felt like I was asking too much, that asking for 'this' or 'that' was inappropriate, no matter how much I wanted it or felt like it would do others and/or me good.

But He didn't give me a spirit of fear, least of all in asking of Him about certain things that did not compromise my values, morals or my faith.

"Ask, and you shall receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."

One thing to note about all three actions: They were all PROACTIVE. 


And I'll bet He didn't say 'ask in a timid voice' or 'seek without really believing you will find it' or 'knock softly so you won't be disturbing'.

I realised, to my utter consternation and horror, that I have been doing that.

Maybe that's why 'this' won't come. Maybe that's why 'that' seems fraught with challenges. Maybe that's why 'That' seems hopeless.

I didn't ask with boldness. I didn't seek with confidence. I didn't knock believing the door would really be open.

And because of that, I ended up feeling like an idiot, wondering if I could have done better earlier, thinking that maybe I'm just.....bound to be faced with....wall after wall (which again, is hopefully a misinterpretation of things on my part).

Now that's settled, the thing is...How am I going to go about doing this? Working out a balance? Ensuring my life's progressing while all my other....desires are progressing as well? Improving myself to prepare for all the things that are being prepared for me while living out a fulfilling and enjoyable life?

To be honest, I don't know. It's been a tumultuous week for me, frankly speaking, and the end of the week has been filled with a good up and a lousy down as well.

I really don't know what to do, or how to go about on trying continuously to break down/climb over/make a door in the walls.

But I intend to find out.

And I intend to get help to find out.

Chronicles of Iridescence: Impatient Uneasiness

I hope you understand.

Before all else, I hope you understand.

Some things shouldn't be voiced out or declared. Things like "I'm pissed!" when someone accidentally and jokingly makes a crude comment about your way of dressing, or saying "I'm sad...Gimme a hug, please?" when you're in the doldrums. Why?

Norms. Societal norms, meant to keep our decadent selves in check, have turned out to be a double-edged sword. We start adding other deviant behavior or actions into the list of things that cannot or should not be done because it apparently makes us look weaker, more vulnerable and supposedly less accomodating.

I hate this conundrum. This confusing and overly challenging puzzle of the outward manifestation of our inner feelings. When should we hold things in check? When should we show that we are really down and burst out crying? Can we ever always display a true form of happiness and actually let people understand that no matter what was visually and audibly perceived, we were truly happy just to be with them? Just to talk? Just to spend time with them?

On days like these, I just wished the world would end as it is sometimes. No more sadness, no more pain, no more happiness nor fleeting sweet joys that permeate your heart for those precious moments, only to have it taken away from you as quickly as it came.

Or maybe I'm just tired again. Tired of trying, but never really seeing any progress. Tired of guessing, and second-guessing myself. Physically tired from school, even though it just started.

Should I talk about how hard I've tried, before some good advice comes in? No...As the norm persists, doing so would constitute as 'whining' or 'complaining'.

Pointless. Meaningless. Useless.

Yet all I can do is watch and listen, wondering if I had done something wrong again, or if people simply just don't want to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm just meant to be someone that no one wants to have much to do with.

And if that weren't so....Give me a reason. Don't just tell me I'm 'thinking too much' or I 'just have to be more confident in myself'. Tell me the reason. Tell me how, for I don't know why or how.

----------------

And if that weren't so, when will it come?

The confidence, the influence, the charisma, and most importantly, the opportunity to shine for the King? The chance to have fun in a good relationship (while I'm still younger) where I actually know what I'm doing? The time to have fun with friends, and in the process enjoying myself as well?

I hope you understand.

Is there a way I can finally be strong enough to help others? Maybe I'm still not trying hard enough...But if I start going at it, people tell me to relax and take it easy.

For how long....

For how long...?

I can't wait for things to happen, really, even though I know that there are many things that I can only wait for. When can I glorify the King in my studies? When can I have fun while staying true to myself and yet adhere to the Word? When can I have happy relationships with family, friends and people I really care about?

So...dry, so fruitless, this life...

Oh, how I long for strength and wisdom! How I long for opportunity! How I long for success when I put action into ideas!

How I long for that voice to tell me once again "Well done", or "I'm here to comfort you" or "Worry not, for they shall come to pass."

I shall still dare to hope, however. That somehow, somewhere, even though I'm dragging my entire being along right now, that being on the verge of throwing in the towel, about to give up completely, that the King is still willing to forgive, comfort and bless me.

The only question I have left is this....

"Is even the smallest happiness too much to ask for...?"

Chronicles of Iridescence: Someday

Someday, this nightmare will end.

Someday, the dreams I've been seeking will return.

Someday, this darkness will fade.

Someday, the sun I seek will blaze a trail of fiery passion and hope into my heart.

Someday, this insecurity will die.

Someday, the confidence will rise above the body and mind that houses it.

Someday, this sadness will cease.

Someday, the happiness will abound like never before.

Someday, this uncertainty will flee.

Someday, the sureness of my emotions will bear fruit.

Someday, this fog will dissipate.

Someday, the promises will come to pass and be clear as day.

Someday, this nightmare will end.

And someday, my dreams will reappear in its fullness and come true.

Surely, surely....