I hope you understand.
Before all else, I hope you understand.
Some things shouldn't be voiced out or declared. Things like "I'm pissed!" when someone accidentally and jokingly makes a crude comment about your way of dressing, or saying "I'm sad...Gimme a hug, please?" when you're in the doldrums. Why?
Norms. Societal norms, meant to keep our decadent selves in check, have turned out to be a double-edged sword. We start adding other deviant behavior or actions into the list of things that cannot or should not be done because it apparently makes us look weaker, more vulnerable and supposedly less accomodating.
I hate this conundrum. This confusing and overly challenging puzzle of the outward manifestation of our inner feelings. When should we hold things in check? When should we show that we are really down and burst out crying? Can we ever always display a true form of happiness and actually let people understand that no matter what was visually and audibly perceived, we were truly happy just to be with them? Just to talk? Just to spend time with them?
On days like these, I just wished the world would end as it is sometimes. No more sadness, no more pain, no more happiness nor fleeting sweet joys that permeate your heart for those precious moments, only to have it taken away from you as quickly as it came.
Or maybe I'm just tired again. Tired of trying, but never really seeing any progress. Tired of guessing, and second-guessing myself. Physically tired from school, even though it just started.
Should I talk about how hard I've tried, before some good advice comes in? No...As the norm persists, doing so would constitute as 'whining' or 'complaining'.
Pointless. Meaningless. Useless.
Yet all I can do is watch and listen, wondering if I had done something wrong again, or if people simply just don't want to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm just meant to be someone that no one wants to have much to do with.
And if that weren't so....Give me a reason. Don't just tell me I'm 'thinking too much' or I 'just have to be more confident in myself'. Tell me the reason. Tell me how, for I don't know why or how.
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And if that weren't so, when will it come?
The confidence, the influence, the charisma, and most importantly, the opportunity to shine for the King? The chance to have fun in a good relationship (while I'm still younger) where I actually know what I'm doing? The time to have fun with friends, and in the process enjoying myself as well?
I hope you understand.
Is there a way I can finally be strong enough to help others? Maybe I'm still not trying hard enough...But if I start going at it, people tell me to relax and take it easy.
For how long....
For how long...?
I can't wait for things to happen, really, even though I know that there are many things that I can only wait for. When can I glorify the King in my studies? When can I have fun while staying true to myself and yet adhere to the Word? When can I have happy relationships with family, friends and people I really care about?
So...dry, so fruitless, this life...
Oh, how I long for strength and wisdom! How I long for opportunity! How I long for success when I put action into ideas!
How I long for that voice to tell me once again "Well done", or "I'm here to comfort you" or "Worry not, for they shall come to pass."
I shall still dare to hope, however. That somehow, somewhere, even though I'm dragging my entire being along right now, that being on the verge of throwing in the towel, about to give up completely, that the King is still willing to forgive, comfort and bless me.
The only question I have left is this....
"Is even the smallest happiness too much to ask for...?"
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