After accumulating weeks of thinking and re-thinking, I finally decided to sort out the messy pile of thoughts, sifting through as fast as I can. It was a difficult decision to type out such a 'type' of my Iridescence, but one way or another it had to come.
So I thought: 'Why not now? There was something I could write about, anyway.'
Lamenting, as per Google dictionary, is the act of 'mourning' or 'expressing regret or disappointment over something unreasonable, unsatisfactory or unfair'. The noun makes it even more interesting by considering it as a 'passionate expression of grief or sorrow'. Perhaps that's why the book of Lamentations in the Old Testament was written in such a way.
Moving past that, it's easy to play with the words to say I'm not complaining, but in actual fact, lamenting something isn't exactly always a complaint. Sometimes it really is true, and what you're doing is voicing out your displeasure and disappointment and often involves stronger emotions complaints don't have which obviously makes them less convincing, less savory and unfortunately, less poetic.
What am I lamenting about for the first time? To get straight to the point, I'm lamenting about the imperfections we have as humans.
I was in the shower after I got back, trudging along the familiar, dreary route back home, dragging my feet and letting the headache pound away at my head mercilessly with the club of pain. It was right after the water stopped for a while did I realise how....imperfect we are.
Why were we so foolish? Why were we so unrepentant? Why, time after time, do we always repeat the same mistakes despite knowing that doing so would result in something terrible, even something we would regret? Why do we, time after time, fail to believe in God despite him coming true for us time and time again? Why are we ignorant of others who aren't part of the group? Why do we always have to wait for things to happen before we do something about it? Why do we always suspect one another of wrongdoing? Why do we judge? Why do we always feel jealous about some things despite the reassurances of the Most High?
Why? Why? Why?
The ultimate 'why' would be to ask why we were programmed like this, but that's a question for a debate of a more theological nature.
But rather than just lamenting on humanity as a whole at the beginning, it has to start from self. Looking back after experiencing some mishaps and fortuitous events, some lows and highs, it feels like I could have done something more to make things better for others.
Of course I understand I'm not superhuman, nor am I omnipotent, but to be blind to the suffering of others just because I did not ask, just because I procrastinated, even if it was just a little, it felt like things went the wrong way.
It felt like I could have done more. It felt like I could have been stronger not to feel such negative and poisonous emotions that could theoretically set me against people I knew. It felt like if I had done something to strengthen the bonds, if I had done something to change myself so that I can be more enjoyable, I would have been able to help others more. I would not need to suffer from emotions that make me dubious about certain things, but instead move on in greater confidence.
Why am I so imperfect? Why are we all so imperfect?
The answer, of course, is because we were made so. There was only one man who was ever perfect, and he has died and came back to life, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. (Ladies, there's your perfect man. Go get him - IF you can).
I don't know where this feeling came from, but somehow I just want to become more and more like that perfect man. The one who succeeded where Adam failed. His attitudes, his beliefs, his personality, his character, his power, his compassion, his love - All these things...The more I think about it, the more I want to be like him.
Therein lies yet another fallacy of the indomitable yet ironically fragile human spirit - To always be filled with hope one moment and be completely devoid of it the next. To declare of one's own aspirations and ambitions with gusto and enthusiasm, only to have the light of passion fade from one's eyes and the energy sapped from one's limbs, becoming nothing but empty husks of 'what could have been' s.
And sometimes we do cheer when we abase AND abound. We praise the Lord because He gives and he has taken from us. Sometimes. At others, we simply cry out to Him, seeking an answer, even throwing tantrums because we can't hear from Him. Sometimes we simply calm down, weeping, but clinging on as hard as we could.
But what is this inconsistent behavior?
To be honest, I dislike inconsistent behavior. Not the person or people who exhibit it and presumably display it to you per se, but the behavior itself (Because I myself and some people I care about are seemingly inconsistent doesn't mean I hate myself and them).
Still, let's face it - No one's perfect. I'm not, neither are you...And I'm not looking for a perfect person either. The main point is, the lamentation here isn't about others, but mainly myself.
What can I do to get myself closer to the one who saved our asses and allowed grace to flow freely? What can I do to be more enjoyable and to enjoy life, as well as to help other people out before its sometimes too late?
I pray that I can find the answer somehow....though most of the time, such blessing comes unexpected.
Which is fine. I love surprises, but I don't particularly like suspense when I'm in the centre of it.
Yet another imperfection there.
Oh well...Time to do something 'drastic'. Been quite a while too.
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