That's supposed to be the way.
And it was only yesterday that I thought that was just about right. I could just about believe in that.
But suddenly an overwhelming wave of torpidity came over me like a mighty tsunami, washing away the things I have set up. Or things I've believed in, especially when things aren't happening right away.
Never thought those hopes could be so easily beaten up. I need stronger protection from the Word, I guess. After all, so many of the bible heroes had gone through their storms and periods of utter disbelief and situations that seemed totally hopeless.
Gideon, for one. Moses, another. Elijah, Joseph, David...Abraham, the father of the nations, is yet another prime example. They were all different people, of course. Known for different things. Given different gifts. Done different things. Had different achievements, led different lives. But all had one thing in common.
They were always against the odds.
Rather, they were always pitted against the odds, and they overcame. All believed in the end.
And there probably were times where they could not feel God. Hear from Him, see the dreams and visions he could give to them, all the while where there were voices, human or no, taunting them constantly.
"You're never going to make it." "It's too big, give it up man." "God's lying to you! If that was truly such a good thing, why hasn't He given you that? Why haven't you seen substantial progress at all?" "You're just lying to yourself, talentless, tongueless bastard."
As it is written, Elijah was a man just like any other. so was David. I'm willing to think that they faced tonnes of things like these many, many times. It's amazing how they were able to do so many things just like that, despite being normal, being average. Yet, there was something they had in them that allowed things to work through them which makes it all the more astounding.
The power to believe.
It's a tricky thing, this...Because there's been a sustained period of strong belief, I had forgotten to think about whether my 'Yes' could actually be a 'No' or vice versa. Sometimes it feels like I have to take action, but if I do that the fragility of the situation will cause it to shatter, and I'll be left with nothing.
In a sense, I think I understand a little more of letting your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No', no. Either you're in or you're out. However, understanding is one thing...Doing something to resolve it is another.
Sometimes I wish things were just so much simpler. You do this, you get that. You don't have ambitions that are too big for people. All you want is a simple life, the small little things. A nice, cosy family with a good wife and two happy kids, living in a modest apartment, living a good and simple but happy life. Simple does it...Don't have to think too much. Don't need to worry about flying all over the place because you're important, don't need to worry about church growth, don't need to worry too much about others as long as you had some part in helping them. Don't need to worry about providing for your spouse or your kids or your parents or your grandchildren, because they have hands and legs and can earn their own keep sooner or later.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but it just started to seem like that was one of the sources of my torpidity (tiredness, if you haven't checked it up). I start to think my dream was a little too big for others, and maybe even for myself. I start to think that my greatest desire, even though relatively small, could be too much to handle and too much to ask for, because it seems like I haven't moved a step and the surroundings haven't changed around me, though the same cannot be said for others.
Tired.
Just want to busk in God's presence now, lift and continue to commit everything up to Him.
Continue to believe, even with my faith flagging.
And praise Him no matter what.
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