It suddenly feels like that there are some things that I can't work too hard for.
A heavy feeling, an encouraging sermon, being pushed to face the same giant(s) in my life time and again and meaningful discussions got me thinking that perhaps I've been trying too hard. Or maybe I just take things too seriously or literally.
Not for the first time I wondered if I was being diligent in something that could possibly turn out to be fruitless.
But it's also not for the first time that I thought my King still can make it come to pass.
Even when we have lost faith, He remains faithful. Even when we forget, He remembers. Even when we are on the verge of giving up and throwing it away, He picks it up and grants it to us.
It just so happens that it's the first time there's something so specific, that I wonder if it was alright to ask for something like this. The persistence complements this to a point where even I feel shocked - It wouldn't normally be possible for me to actually start taking any initiative at all and to actively start changing for the better.
Is that a positive thing, I wonder? Change is the only thing that's constant in this world, but is this necessary good for me right now? After all, I could be changing just to realise that everything I've strived for turns out to be something that turns another way and I could possibly be left standing alone, regretting about should have's and desperately wondering about the purpose of all these trials I've went through just to face the ultimate, literally unbreakable wall of....something.
But now I think it doesn't hurt to be a little more positive. Positive, but not delusional. Hearing in the discussion about visions with my brother about being 'prepared to lose what you asked for' set my mind into hyper-drive mode despite the fatigue and heaviness I've been feeling. Things might turn out to be not what I want, but conversely, it could also turn out the way I want it to be (all the better when my King's will fits with my desire, of course).
So what's the point of being so pessimistic and thinking so much about it? No point. None at all. I rather be happy and think of the possibility of the things happening in due time.
No point worrying about possible obstacles. No point being too serious about things others aren't even serious about. No point scrunching up that face and emitting the noxious fumes of consternation and anxiety.
Rather than being weigh down by the heaviness, why not train yourself up to lift the weights like a champion?
In a sense, I'm kinda giving up, yet not totally giving it/them up. Perhaps its just like the last time, where I felt like giving up and not doing anything, that things start to change a little for the better. It's true that sometimes the King moves only when we act, but it's also true that there are moments where you just have to lift it up to him as a gift befitting of His regal and majestic, yet loving and sensitive being.
Perhaps this is the time again. A second stage, yet a similar act with a different, greater degree of sacrifice. I don't really know, but I'm still willing to keep believing things will come to pass, whatever they are.
Want to know what's going on? Only in the process of getting to know me and me getting to know you will you receive a more direct answer (I no longer advocate in one-way asking and one-way answering. Can we reciprocate the concern and care please? =) )
Otherwise, keep guessing. =P
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More actions as follow-up to come.
This time, I have a better plan and definitely better discipline (however minute the increment might be) to carry them out.
Watch me. I'm going to succeed and I'm going to do it.
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Again, yet another decision to make.
I certainly don't want some things to...let's just say, 'occur'. But when I think about it, I wonder if I'm being selfish for wanting to do something according to my own desire, even if it seems ultimately good. Would it be a bother to others? Is it in line with one - or rather, two of my more important wishes right now? Or am I just being insecure and showing a lack of faith?
No idea. None yet.
Gotta ask for advice. Talk it out not only with my King, but also with the people close to me.
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Conclusion? Give up the hard work for now, but not giving it up totally.
But first, I need to confirm the edict my King has given to me again.
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