Back to school. Quite a few interesting changes. It did feel kinda weird somehow still, like you've just returned to your second home after a really long time. Or maybe it's just because I was feeling ill and am looking at things from a new perspective...literally, due to my surgery. Heh.
Classes were fine, but to be honest, it could be better. Not many friends in the first two lectures of mine. Still, they sounded interesting and...abstract, especially the one that dealt with aesthetics. It looks like an interesting semester ahead, if a bit (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT) busy.
But hey, I'm grateful still. Grateful for the fact that I've made friends who see me and greet me. Even more surprised and happy that a different outlook now means that I see more of such things rather than dwell on why no one calls me up for this and that. The only regret here, of course, is that I could have discovered this earlier, in the second semester of Year 1 or in Year 2 itself. Perhaps my results wouldn't have suffered so much. Perhaps I would have been able to talk to selected people easier, and have better relationships with them (I'm no Casanova, thank you). Perhaps I would have really enjoyed my campus life.
But it's better late than never, I guess. Even if I'm in what could most possibly be my last year of studying, unless I go for Masters.
--------------------------------------
The nagging suspicion came back again, when I read two simple comments on the chatbox of a friend's blog.
It was...unsettling, to say the least. Immediately I saw cracks in that newly built dome of calm I constructed over my heart. It was expected, of course. Unlike real architecture, such buildings that are meant to protect, safeguard and strengthen sometimes ironically weaken easily. New ones, that is.
What if it were true? What if things aren't as rosy as it may seem (though it was already not extremely rosy from the start)? What if, I had not done enough with the time that I had with....that I had on my hands? What if I'm still not enjoyable or reliable or attractive enough as a man?
All those thoughts ran deep, I knew, because they have been flowing like rivers into a sea of doubt. Something which is slowly drying up, thankfully. But sometimes the rain of uncertainty falls, filling the place with that disgusting liquid which saps your confidence.
Disadvantaged from the very beginning. occasionally I wish again that I had been in church earlier. Known people earlier. Picked a profession earlier. Been on the same wavelength and job earlier. Became a confident person earlier. In terms of looks, capability, personality, even useful talent and time spent, it feels like I lose out utterly.
But that would feel like a competition already, wouldn't it? Which is exactly one of the things that caused all the emo crap to happen.
On the positive side, it's just a comment. It's just something seen from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand or know the situation completely. Maybe he's talking about something else. Maybe I'm just reverting shortly to the old worrywart I was before. Maybe it isn't what I think, that things might really, actually turn out in a really great way for once.
And I think I revealed too much. But basically, that's going to be it. Grab hold of those thoughts, give them a thorough thrashing, clap them in chains and throw them out of place. As I do that, God, which is the Sun in my heart, shall keep drying up that sea of doubt lying arrogantly in the open, all the while providing the light energy for the flower of faith to grow tall and strong and beautiful.
Hopefully this can serve as an encouragement in one way or another to the dear people who read my blog. I don't really care if you think I'm great in overcoming this, but if it can bless someone....That would be enough.
I believe. Therefore I shall be.
I believe. Therefore I can receive.
I believe.
No comments:
Post a Comment