I heard this folk tale from somewhere before, just can't remember which country.
In short, the story is about a genie trapped inside a bottle, floating on a vast sea that could see no end. One day, he (or she, if you prefer Christina Aguilera) thought to himself: "If someone finds the bottle and rescues me, I'll definitely grant him all his heart's desires!"
He waited 300 years, and yet no one comes. Then, the genie thought again: "If someone finds the bottle and rescues me, I'll definitely grant him all his heart's desires! I'll give him endless riches and happiness he can only dream of!"
Yet another 300 years passed, and another 300. This time, the genie grew angry. "If the next person finds this bottle and opens it, I'll destroy him!"
A young fisherman finds the bottle soon after, and opens the bottle. The vengeful genie, of course, attempts to destroy him, but the fisherman tricks him and reseals him once again. He refuses to listen to the genie's pleas to let him out once more and casts him into the depths of the sea and it was never to be seen again. The End.
I don't think I'll be talking about the possible 'morals of the story' to anyone younger than me soon.
Rather than 'being careful about the unknown things', I rather pity the genie. More than that, I was mortified that I actually thought the genie deserved it when I first read the story.
Simply put, I have never experienced such a situation before. Or rather, I've never felt so intensely about the situation I had been in for 10 odd years. Anyone would know what I speak of if you look at Chapter 53, of course.
Why were there outbursts of anger now? Perhaps it's similar to the genie's situation. He got tired of waiting, and chose to blame the world, because he was in a situation where he could not do anything. Besides, 900 years is a really long time and even if his idea of a resolution was too drastic, it was understandable in some way.
So in conclusion, I apologize to all who have seen that uglier side of me. It's something I have to deal with and have been dealing with constantly. The realist would consider it a weak-minded, weak-willed person trying to be more 'normal'. The romanticist would probably consider this a 'desperate battle for your very own soul'. The one in between would simply call it 'overcoming the self'.
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And once again, I just thought: "Screw it. To hell with all those thoughts. Screw them all. I'm just going to do what I can and when I feel like it, as long as it doesn't compromise the moral standards."
Ever since becoming a Christian, I realised that I've been weakened severely in many areas. I feel more needy, now that my heart is opened up, needing friendship, needing someone who cares, and needing to care and love someone. I became less independent, knowing that there's a God who looks out for me. I became more rigid, more critical of myself even, and knowing that there were so many talented and greater people out there made me feel even smaller.
But becoming a Christian was great too. Being able to talk a little more freely to others, even strangers...Being able to stand up and recover from shocks and disappointments a little more quickly than usual. Being edified and feeling like there's some use for my existence. Being able to experience a little more blessing in life than usual, and the love of God...
But as said before, perhaps I've been too hung up on the 'standards' set, or the regulations. Being a perfectionist makes matters worse. Every little thing must be taken care of. Everything must be considered. Everyone must be considered before making a decision.
So now I say "Screw it."
Not that I no longer care, even though I want to (reciprocity in relationships, right? So by right I'm supposed to not care). But I think I really ought to stop caring so much. Maybe I need to be a bit more assertive, forceful...Even - God forbid this can ever happen - a little more merciless in dealing with people.
Stop being Mr. Nice Guy, because ultimately nice guys lose. Nice guys don't become leaders. Nice guys don't leave lasting impressions on others. Nice guys don't get the girl.
But first, I'm going to keep trying to overcome my fear of attempting to build relationships with other people, only to see rejection after rejection, apathy after apathy.
Then, after claiming victory over these things, can I build good relationships and fully receive the promises God has for me.
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