A thought just occurred to me. One that might have appeared before a few times, or perhaps even many times.
Maybe I'm just caught in the middle.
It's interesting to take note, because when making decisions, humans are always caught in the middle, regardless of whether the pulling forces are from two sides, or from every single direction. He feels a need to do this, but there's that temptation asking him to do something else, or a desire for him to ensure that he achieve what he thinks he wants. Maybe societal norms are stopping him from even making a move. It could even be past events and occurrences that hold him back.
In that sense, everyone's caught in the middle, unless you are extremely decisive and know what you want, even if it turns out to be a wrong decision.
For me, interacting with others....It's always a caught in the middle thing. If someone doesn't reply, especially for a long time, sometimes I simply don't know what to do. Maybe that person's busy? Maybe he/she simply doesn't want to bother talking to you? And if I replied...perhaps I'm being a nuisance.
And perhaps it is this that is holding me back from truly engaging in meaningful and lasting conversations, like I'm always afraid that I'm being a nuisance one way or another, or you preferred talking to someone else. As previously stated, it has come to the point where I felt as though this was a ages-old curse, one that will haunt and follow me to the grave.
There has to be some way to get rid of it, of course. I'm not beyond asking professional help, because no single human can stand the feeling of being left out for so long. Not especially when you see the people you want to talk to enjoying themselves with other people, even though you try and try again.
Perhaps the relationship isn't there yet, or maybe as my mom said, it has everything to do with my personality (Something which I absolutely refuse to accept, though the notion is starting to hit home that I am a born loner, despite what I'm trying to do to change that). It comes to the cliche "It's not you, it's me" phrase when breaking up with someone in order not to hurt the feelings of the other party, except that this isn't just about a romantic relationship on the rocks.
It's about everything.
Not many understand what the issue is, of course, and if you read this, you might simply treat this as yet another complaint or another bout of whining. Be my guest...But know that though I've blamed myself and the circumstances sometimes, I don't blame others and God for me being in such a sorry state. It just isn't right to do so.
But I'm really tired of playing guessing games. Maybe a simpler approach is better. Just talk and say whatever's on my mind. Go with my flow, not with the flow of others. Talk because I want to, even though no one really listens. Send SMSes and make calls because I want to, not because I'm obliged and just because hardly anyone really replies seriously, doesn't mean I should stop.
Alternatively, I can call up the Housing Development Board in the Himalayas, ask them to check for vacancies and see if they have a cave up there for me to live, so I won't have to deal with these pesky little issues.
Also, I could stop bothering to reply to people too, though that would be following the norm in my interactions with people. Stop being such a nice guy. Stop replying to every single message, rushing to meet every single request, attempting to include every single person....Even though I don't get included most of the time. (Fact)
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"Just so you know, I haven't given up."
Just felt like saying that.
There's been...setbacks, but I still remembered that promise, though the setback itself has made that faded.
There needs to be a greater level of repentance here, and a confirmation that I won't fall for the same thing again. It's getting to me...Because it could be this very darkness that has been holding me back from the blessings I've wanted or needed.
I should start confessing those few Bible verses a thousand times soon. Away from me, filthy darkness! Screw you and your temptations! Go back to whatever hole you popped out of and stay there with cement sealing the damn entrance!
....Okay, those weren't the verses, but rather how I feel about it.
Ultimately, the negative emotions are still here, and I'm dealing with it. The reasons are known, of course: The inability to communicate well with others, especially people I care about, the lack of confidence, and the seemingly fruitless pursuit of those promises.
But it's coming true.
Despite the fog and mist in the way, despite the slippery slopes that cause me to stumble and even fall, despite the people way ahead and the obstacles in the way....
I have to keep trusting in Him. And keep repenting.
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