*WARNING*: FRUSTRATION POST AHEAD.
There you have it...So if you have really been following this blog at all, at least you know when to turn off the browser window.
Regret, gloom, frustration.
Been battling with these three emotions for as long as I've been self-aware, meaning that it's the time where I have some inkling of an idea of where I'm headed towards and what my core purposes in life are.
Today is a good day. It really is. But ultimately, it left me feeling rather glum.
Things that seemed so mundane to everyone, perhaps even to me, and things that happened for the past few days and weeks...The accumulation of them all can be rather devastating if you don't take care of it or guard your own heart jealously.
Simple things like not getting replies, like feeling I'm still not part of the group, like being unable to learn and grasp hold of things quickly....Sometimes even feeling like I'm not really needed to liven up an atmosphere.
Sometimes it feels like I needn't bother about working hard in certain issues, because the common sense that has accompanied me for my teenage years tells me that it's fruitless, that I'm chasing after a lost cause or a dream that would be shattered into a million pieces like a flower made of glass thrown upon the cold, hard surface of the reality about society and human hearts.
But one quality or characteristic I have that helps me stay sane throughout this period proves to be the one of the most irritating ones, even to myself.
Hardheadedness.
I refuse to believe in giving up, something I have done repeatedly when I was a teenager. However, when my foray into becoming a school athlete (and thus gain recognition from parents, friends and girls alike AT THAT TIME) failed, the hardheadedness (a nicer word would be determination) vaporised.
In other words, that's my key excuse for seemingly always talking about 'my' experiences, or 'I' have done this or 'I' have done that. Call it delayed Attention-seeking personality disorder if you will.
It's getting to be quite the problem. At least for me. I'm not sure if other people think like that as well, since I often feel ignored, or left out, and attempt to talk whatever and whenever I can, which can sometimes ultimately result in putting others off and the cutting of conversation, even in a group....So if you're reading this and even if it's really hard, I hope you understand.
Back on topic. Basically that's it. I'm a donkey, though not the best of them all. Still, That's what I am, in more ways than one. I won't give up. Can't give up, because I certainly did not work so hard just to fall behind and away now, even though things aren't going my way.
There's always the possibility of taking shortcuts, of course...Like giving up A to pursue B if both can supposedly give you a similar sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. But what's the point of all that hard work, then? What's the point of building it up, only to rush into things, make a hash of it and see your own hard work crumble or having to take a shortcut that would leave you feeling empty in the end?
It's the same, if not similar, for everything. For friendship, for love, for creative endeavours, for knowledge gathering, for wisdom increment...Everything.
And I do know that when Hardheads clash with Hardships, it's really, really going to be very painful and arduous.
But what the heck....It will definitely get better in the end.
I just know it.
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