Had an awesome service on Sat and on Sun. Why did I go to both, you ask? Simple...Because I was serving as an usher today.
But it's really amazing sometimes, when you attend service with a different 'status'. I'm not saying that a ministry member has higher status or whatever, but it's interesting because there's a different point of view, a different level of attention paid to the things that were spoken.
Reported late for duty and prior to that, was still feeling down. Had some nightmares again, weird dreams that have been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Truth be told, I had no intention of going down and receiving the congregation with cheerful welcomes and big smiles.
But I thought back about the times where others had those days as well and told them to me. I thought back to the times where my carnal self refused to serve, but my heart and feet took me right onto the MRT heading for Expo. I thought about the sermon preached.
And I prayed.
Not aloud, of course, but in my heart. Sometimes that's what the MRT and loneliness is good for: Alone, undisturbed, you can just think thoughts of peace. You can just silently praise God over and over again and pray to him.
For wisdom, that I did. I kept asking for wisdom to get me through this, and immediately He answered.
Serving because of compulsion or obligation is not serving. The real purpose of serving as an usher...It is to please God. It is because you want to please God.
How about those times where the congregation literally bullied or tricked you? how about those offences?
Forgive and forget. And ultimately, serving in a ministry isn't about people.
It's about God.
And again I was reminded, after being in great pain from an unfortunate gastric pain + wrong food combination combo that caused me to puke like no tomorrow, that God sometimes allows things to happen to us, break us down, so that He can be that much stronger and prominent in our lives.
In our weakness, He is made strong. Like Paul, sometimes we need to rejoice in our weaknesses, because that's when God shines forth so greatly.
Guess what? A renewed attitude from a time of prayer in the MRT, and suddenly serving didn't seem so bad. Smiling didn't seem so hard. Being genuinely friendly and loving didn't seem so fake. Ensuring things were done didn't seem so tedious. I even had a few good laughs while serving.
Even after that, before the disastrous lunch combination, had a good time of fellowship. Talked and laughed with my usher friends and cg members. Even in the midst of trials, He still blesses me in this manner. In fact, He has been blessing me, bit by bit.
So glad that He is my God.
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Reservist starting tomorrow.
No biggie, really, since it's low-key ICT (in-camp training). The only sad things are obviously not being able to do visitations, do my CORS bidding (Argh! someone help me!), not being able to attend FOP (Festival of Praise), not being able to follow my friends on what they are doing for work, school, breakfast, lunch, dinner and before they sleep.
.....Trust me, Facebook stalking is a prevalent activity made easy with the amount of sharing done. Even YOU do it, so be slow to speak and quick to listen. Haha.
But this time, even though I feel kinda less prepared (haven't finished packing!), I'm beginning to feel that it is indeed a great time to have reservist.
Trials, tribulations come flying in hard and fast. Discouragements, negative emotions and negative hints march in by the thousands, battering the gates, baying for blood and clamoring to be let into my citadel. If you haven't already noticed or seen or heard about it, of course...This is just a simple, abstract summary.
I think I've been concentrating on too many things at one go, or perhaps concentrating on the right things at the wrong time. On guitar, on gathering knowledge, on relationships, on the promises of God, on helping others, on health, on buffing up, on wanting to learn how to cook, do household chores properly and on becoming more confident.
Some of them aren't really all that bad. What's lousy is the way I flit from one to another, simply because it was a force of habit. Another, of course, is to take a break from getting hurt, unintentionally most of the time, about certain things.
Breaking it down, it has to start from God first. Simple as that. Then it moves on to myself, before onto others. That's how it should work, anyway.
And I find reservist the perfect time to step on the brakes and start anew. One week, not too much to do that you'll become dog-tired and plenty of time to yourself at times. Plenty of time to seek God too, reaffirm my faith, reaffirm His promises, reaffirm His love, all through the Word and prayer.
I don't care if anyone thinks I'm flaky or shuns me when they see the dusty little NLT Bible sitting on my bed with me, because that's just how it's going to be.
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Had thoughts of giving up again, but that's not what I'm built to do - Give up.
Looking back, all the times that I had similar situations, the moment I gave up, opportunity immediately arose.
And I obviously failed to grasp it, causing me to live in regret and fear that I'll never get into that again. That I'm not suitable at all. That I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.
So basically, the bottom line is...I can't give up. I won't. The reason why I continued despite possibly hitting walls again and again is because of this, and because of the conviction I have from God.
So I speak of giving up, but then I speak again later of continuing.
But right now, it's really not the time to put too much attention, energy and effort into it. Token efforts will have to do, as long as I've tried hard enough and tried to do it correctly. There are other priorities in my life right now: God, studies and self-improvement.
So until then, until it is reaffirmed and until it is time, I'll strive not to think too much about it.
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