The stuff...They just won't stop.
Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? To be pressed in on all sides. Assailed like never before. Hammered as though you were that stubborn nail that just refuses to conform and go into the wood like every other generic one.
I continued for a few reasons, of course...Some just simply to share the good and bad things faced, mainly to encourage and mainly to keep people updated on what's going on...Even if it means those that I want to care don't really. At least it gives the others a peace of mind.
Not going to share too many details, because it's my right to withhold details, and my right to be more sensitive to my own needs. Realised I've been giving away too many details, which on the whole makes myself feel even smaller and lesser in my own eyes, and possibly in the eyes of others. Especially people that I don't want them to know.
What done is done. All I can say is that it's another battle, one after the other. The only thing I can do now is to increase confidence. Get more into the Word and keep believing His promises, even though it feels like I've suffered setbacks (however minor they seem) today.
For those who worried, thank you. I can say that I'm dealing with the past issues in my life right now. A whole army of them. Some of you may know what a few are, (a few regrets here, and some thankfulness there, but what's done is done, right?) but some of you won't. And I think I'll shut up about it for a while, because the tendency to talk about it to anyone might just pop up again, and if I speak it to the people that I don't want them to know about, regrets are bound to surface.
For starters, that's about it. Unless you have similarities to the problems I face (if you ever got to know, of course), please don't brush it off like it's nothing. One thing I learned when talking to troubled people in the past, is that they are sometimes just looking for a good listening ear. Sometimes it isn't the advice you dish out, or the brushing off, saying that you're worrying too much, or saying that you should stop thinking about this things, or even the reprimanding....
Sometimes it's the listening.
Showing them that you care by listening, by giving more attention to them rather than offering a token ear. You may not understand the circumstances (and it would only be right to tell them the truth as such), but ultimately one should really show and really pay attention. After all, one's actions reflects one's inner self....Riiiight?
Maybe that's why a book on the analysis of conversations showed that the best listeners are often the best conversationalists. A female friend of mine often tells me that she prefers a man who listens rather than a man who is simple or great, but yet isn't able to keep still to hear about her day, however mundane it is. (Sensitivity always comes close, I think...At least for her, and probably for most people out there)
Maybe we should strive to really listen. I know, without any arrogance or self-sufficiency, that I'm trying to get there. And heck if I've been looking tired....It's simply a physical expression manifested from what's been going on in my mind. That's something I got to change too, and for that I'm glad for the sermon today.
But you know, God is good....It's difficult to believe, especially for someone who has been battling a certain issue for ten odd years, for someone who (I feel) has to sacrifice his own comfort and needs most of the time, for someone who has been unable to believe in anything more than friendship is possible in his life.
But difficult as it is, we still believe. Act that faith out, including the changes required, despite the repeated rejections and failures. As far as I know, I've tried, in my own way, to knock, and knock, and knock, sometimes so softly because the house looks like it might collapse if I did it hard at the first try.
It may seem like the streets are suffering from a blackout, and that every door is shut, especially the ones you want ever so tightly, even though the directions lead you there. But somehow, the door does open.
The vision is still there. Though it tarries, it will most certainly come to pass.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Negative emotions, supposed hints dropped your way, insecurities that everyone will or have faced....
But you know what? Screw it. As the song "Nothing is Impossible" declares, I'm not going to live by what I see or feel.
Which is why I thank God for the timing of the reservist. It's a good time to heal, a good time to get some proper shut-eye, a good time to fellowship with army fellas I haven't seen in a while, a good time to reassess myself, a good time to recharge myself, a good time to get away from almost everything....Since not many are probably going to ask me how my reservist is, anyway.
At least, not the people I'm hoping for....Or hopefully, they might just ask. You never know.
In the meantime, don't worry....I think I can keep fighting. It's just that sometimes even the best soldier gets tired. Even his armor gets dented, even his sword gets chipped, even his shield gets dented and even his morale becomes deflated. I'm not the best, of course. No one really is.
But at the end of the day, when you hear the trumpets resounding, when you smell the food, when you think of the people you miss and want to return to, when you think of the rewards and most of all, when you think of the glory you can bring to the kingdom by winning these wars....The motivation returns. The weapons and armor are changed, reforged even, into stronger, better ones. Then we return again to slay the enemy.
But just as God's angels sound the trumpets and just as He made the sword, we are the ones to draw and wield it.
It's high time I start wielding and using it properly.
For myself.
For God.
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