Just feeling that way.
And I thought it better to express some of it than bottle everything up and have them all explode in one go.
Valley's really long, Desert's getting endless. More so when the heat is on you, and the Egyptians are still on your back, even though they have been pushed back time and again. Worst still....The image of an oasis in front of you lies there tantalizingly, providing hope that can turn out either way.
I won't mince my words - I'm suddenly really tired. Tired of bearing no fruit, no progress. Tired of being or more accurately, feeling rejected over and over again. Tired of constantly talking to people who reply rather than engage in a conversation. Tired of seeing myself make so little progress in several months in relationship building, and yet see others make it to the same level or even higher in a matter of weeks.
Look, I'm sorry....I'm still rather carnal, you see, and my confidence doesn't always stem from God so easily. We are human after all, and seeing failure after failure of a bigger nature than the progress can get really, really discouraging...What with no one there to really try to understand what's going on, either giving advice without truly caring or just not having any response at all. Or maybe they are just insensitive? I have absolutely no idea, and wish not such a judgment upon them, either.
Which is why it makes me exceedingly happy when someone that I know talks to me, just to ask me how I am, rather than ask out of obligation or ask something of me. It's great to help, but....Not every human can bear that kind of routine of being asked, then sometimes not knowing, then made to feel useless, you know?
And it's not like I have an agenda myself when talking to others, too...Sometimes I really just want to talk, to know what's going on, not because someone else asked me to, not because it's mandatory for someone in that position to do that, but because I care. I really do, and I really want to, but what you're showing me....Is nothing, but a freaking huge wall made of adamantium. The facial expressions, the actions, the silence, the lack of responses...It almost feels like YOU were the one that's emotionally shut down, not me.
Feel free to prove me wrong, though. It's only right to do so, since that's the closest I came to making an accusation.
The only positive I managed to take was the renewed vision of the same thing I've been asking for the past several months. All I need, is just one more confirmation, just one more from the Word....And maybe I won't have to worry whether the oasis in front of me is fake or not. Or the green fields. Or the flowers. Or.....that whatever and whoever I saw will really be there.
After all, all the crap that's being shown...Perhaps its so that I can take care of them now so that they won't blow up in my face in the future, tens of thousands of times greater than what I'm experiencing now.
Problem is, they ARE already blown up. Issues from years back, still haunting. Good thing is, they are appearing like nasty little spiders in my life, crawling and skittering across the canvas of my life, threatening to ruin the painting. Tells me it's time to clean the studio in which I'm doing up the painting of my life. Spray the life out of those stupid little critters with the deadliest poison ever or simply smash them with a hammer.
Deal with them now, even though they coincide with the period where it feels like I can make the most out of building the relationships I have and can have.
And when that's done, when I stand up and walk despite the sandstorms, the poisonous creatures and the vastness of the desert, I'll reach those fields of mine.
No, I'm not delusional...Because an unfailing promise has been made to me.
And I intend to trust in Him. Still.
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