Just came back from reservist, and I have to say that although it was better than I thought, it was also worse than I thought.
Confusing? It would be, seeing as the statement itself is a contradiction.
Firstly, the ICT was good. In a sense, that is. I felt a little fruitful doing things here and there, and though having hit with 'arrows' simply because of my presence there, it was somewhat fulfilling. It does get a little tiring, though, having to sleep at timings beyond the normal 2230 hours because there aren't a lot of people around to help you out. In all honesty, some people do disappear once you wake up and reappear once you head to your bunks.
What's more, I went for range! It was a refreshing change from the previous ICT, having done little of that. Before that, I even participated in a 4-click route march. It was kinda enjoyable, except for the wound that resulted in abrasions on my heel from the back part of the interior of my boots.
Speaking of range, it was really cool, and I did not want to miss it just because it's only my second time firing the SAR 21. Thinking I was a bobo shooter (in other words, someone who misses. A LOT.), I went in with zero confidence. The practice shoot didn't help me in that, but I decided to pray a little and have a little more confidence as well as ask others for advice and focus.
Guess what? I got a Marksman accolade for that. My night shoot was even better than the day, as it has been with all the ranges I've been to.
The bad, however, dragged me down considerably. Even though we got out early, that is.
It felt as though I had little friends inside. It's true that I could talk and laugh with people, ask them about stuff in their lives since we haven't met up for long and talk crap for hours on end about various things, but somehow it still feels like I'm not part of the group.
Looking back, it's kinda understandable. I entered the battalion pretty late, and most of the people there already knew each other. I came in late, messed things up big time at times and didn't have much to show for except for one or two big occasions. Conversations were started, attempted, as usual, but always died off before it could get anywhere near a comfortable level of reciprocity.
The feeling gets worse when I hardly receive any calls from friends and family. Mom did call once, and it was my own mistake and a wrong tone of voice that put her off, I think. Calling back, messaging people without receiving replies, while seeing your fellow NSmen chatting or texting away happily on their mobile phones...It can get to you sometimes.
My quiet time quality wasn't really there either. All the times that I wanted to really draw closer? Either I get distracted or simply don't have the time. By the time I'm finished with work and range, I find myself falling asleep whenever I attempted to pray.
Maybe I should stop this, you know? Being so stubborn in changing myself. Maybe it's just me, that I can't talk and maintain a conversation with anyone. Not my friends, not my family...possibly not even my girlfriend or wife...If I'm ever so fated to have one in the first place, that is.
It's a rotten cycle. Trying out as hard as you can, seeking help, then receiving advice or admonishment that you aren't trying hard enough, or easygoing assurances that seem to assuage your concerns for a while, but in the end avail to little.
To be honest, I've actually thought about whether I was thinking too much (sounds weird, right?), but it's just impossible. Maybe I could have been doing that for the past 2-3 years, but for the past 10 odd years? I know I DEFINITELY wasn't that much of a thinker then compared to now, which is why this phenomenon scares me.
Maybe it might even be a curse.
All I wanted was simply to make friends and know more people, despite my iniquities. Despite my awkwardness in starting conversations. But that's the thing. When you interact with someone, people always look at the outside. One wrong facial expression, one wrong type of tone used, and you get judged immediately, whether you or the other person likes it or not.
I blame this on the inherent human nature to judge, not the person ultimately. It just gets depressing sometimes, to know that your definition of building relationships doesn't include good reciprocity. It sucks even more to know that sometimes it's totally out of your hands, and you can only look out as others talk so freely with each other, laugh and joke about stuff for a long time while you can only hold broken conversations, chip in or add comments of your own - only to disrupt the whole damn thing.
So there you have it - the 2nd ICT. Somehow it feels like it's build up my confidence, yet smashes it to bits with the bad affirmation that my nature is probably that of a loner, and it can't be changed. At least, not that quickly. Maybe I can become a social animal when I'm about to reach a mid-life crisis.
Hey, at least that would offset the curse the 40 year-olds face, right?
And there's more setbacks....Things I prefer to keep to myself unless I trust you to treat them seriously.
Hope it's all going to turn out fine.
Oh yeah, did I mention? extra $200 for the Marksman. Time to pay off some debts and eat a little better.
Might even treat you if I feel like it too...
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