Fruitless cause?
Feels like. Hopefully it's just a misinterpretation of things, stemming from the fact that all the ugliness I'm seeing right now are things I have to deal with.
But more often than not, doubt sets in. Should I climb over this wall? Should I ram it down? Should I wait until it erodes? Should I build a door into it?
On the other hand, peace also sets in. It's alright to wish for it, to pray for it. It's perfectly fine to keep trying. One day, you never know....It might just happen exactly as I hoped it would. For once.
Keep having this dilemma of trying, but thinking that I might be trying too hard, or that if I don't try hard enough, things won't happen...Or worst still, go in the opposite direction, whatever that means.
Yet whenever I doubt, whenever I thought of giving up, whenever I thought "Hey, maybe you're just wasting your time, effort, resources. These signs tell you all you need to know. Back off. Stop trying. Give up.", A still, small voice stops me. A simple, sentence, a simple prod. So gentle, so soothing that I didn't even realise it spoke to me until I thought back about the reason why I suddenly felt optimistic again.
"Don't give up." "Keep going." "Keep believing, keep hoping."
Was that what it feels like to be listening to the King? To actually hear something so simple, yet feel so edified, so encouraged then even the most charismatic inspirational speakers urging you on in a loud voice could never bring that sort of uplifting mood to you.
Perhaps it was. I'm inclined to believe it, because it was the same voice, using the same tone, the same gentleness that told me things that came to pass. Eventually. Took a pretty long time, but in the end it worked out well.
It feels like I really need to be more earnest. Not just in seeking the King, but also be more earnest in my own requests. It always felt like I was asking too much, that asking for 'this' or 'that' was inappropriate, no matter how much I wanted it or felt like it would do others and/or me good.
But He didn't give me a spirit of fear, least of all in asking of Him about certain things that did not compromise my values, morals or my faith.
"Ask, and you shall receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."
One thing to note about all three actions: They were all PROACTIVE.
And I'll bet He didn't say 'ask in a timid voice' or 'seek without really believing you will find it' or 'knock softly so you won't be disturbing'.
I realised, to my utter consternation and horror, that I have been doing that.
Maybe that's why 'this' won't come. Maybe that's why 'that' seems fraught with challenges. Maybe that's why 'That' seems hopeless.
I didn't ask with boldness. I didn't seek with confidence. I didn't knock believing the door would really be open.
And because of that, I ended up feeling like an idiot, wondering if I could have done better earlier, thinking that maybe I'm just.....bound to be faced with....wall after wall (which again, is hopefully a misinterpretation of things on my part).
Now that's settled, the thing is...How am I going to go about doing this? Working out a balance? Ensuring my life's progressing while all my other....desires are progressing as well? Improving myself to prepare for all the things that are being prepared for me while living out a fulfilling and enjoyable life?
To be honest, I don't know. It's been a tumultuous week for me, frankly speaking, and the end of the week has been filled with a good up and a lousy down as well.
I really don't know what to do, or how to go about on trying continuously to break down/climb over/make a door in the walls.
But I intend to find out.
And I intend to get help to find out.
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