What a way to start a week...Unable to concentrate, unable to focus, didn't manage to stick to my game plan to finish off the stuff I needed to do. I'm going to be in for more sleepless nights.
The nightmares didn't help either. Most of them were subtle, of course, making me wonder why the hell did I suppress the good dreams I had been having, thinking that it would be leading me down the wrong path. Well, instead of the wrong path, now it feels like I've taken a detour on a endless pavement of thorns.
Only thing I can do now is pray. Ask, seek, knock. Make do with some action, stay confident and strong, and get a balance.
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At times like this, you realise that things always come in a whole package.
Take for example, university education. It holds the promise of a better future once you do well. It seems to encourage greater freedom, that students have to print their own notes, choose their own majors and modules, set their own timeslots for lectures and tutorials. It promises greater variety of everything - subjects you wanted to learn but could never during your JC (Junior College) or Poly (Polytechnic) days, CCAs you've ALWAYS wanted to take (i.e. Kendo, Ballroom dancing) but never had the chance to learn, responsibilities you've never dreamed of taking up (mini-events management and planning). You get the time you need to prepare your tutorials in advance. You can arrange the time such that you can even hang out with friends on free days (a novelty for secondary school and JC students), get down to a chic bar or the hip club in town , making merry and having fun.
However, at the same time, you are faced with other concerns. You get modules that take up chunks of your time. You chose something wrongly and although you started out with interest in the subject, gradually it fades because you can't keep up. You're constantly bombarded by conversations that compared 'my B+' to 'his A-'. There are more cliques, and you're not sure you can fit into anywhere. People who had the freedom of choice to choose CCAs chose the 'Go-Home Club', but some regret not joining other more wholesome activities as they now find their lack of social skills a terrible challenge in getting a job or chasing a girl. Others still, face financial difficulties due to hefty school fees, and literally throw away everything else in order to make ends' meet while trying to get a good score. The additional freedom also proves a distraction, resulting in faltering results.
It's a whole package, like it or not...A surprise one at that. Some people just receive a greater portion of the negative side of things, while others have the fortune to receive the better part.
That goes for love as well.
For some, the thrill of the chase. Knowing that you're pursuing her, touching her life in little ways, then in bigger ones. Getting to know him/her, knowing the fun parts (likes/dislikes, favorite things), being able to talk with them freely and openly with the ever-so present teasing and flirting we associate with young love. interacting with friends around them, having them tease you and him/her about it. Things look rosy. Life feels rosy.
On the other hand, we have the unfortunate group who get nothing in return. They are spurned time after time, either because of their lack of social skills or their deficiencies in the looks, charisma and financial department. Even with the 'heart', they find it difficult. Sometimes they are ignored, even shunned when they haven't done anything wrong - or rather, haven't been told what they did wrong. Some go through bouts of jealousy watching the guy/girl talk with someone else happily. Some get depressed when the person they have been hoping to get into a serious relationship with end up with someone else.
Two spectrums.
Even church is the same. You get touched by the message and presence of the King, get saved, get filled with the Helper, receive promises, see a positive change in you, get surrounded by great friends who seem always to look out and care for you. Every day with them is a great day. Every time you go to church you feel wonderful. You feel revitalised from a tiring week, from the irritating subordinate you find peace and forgiveness for him/her. You get encouraged and feel like you can take on anything again for a few more weeks.
But there's the setbacks. There's the uncertainty that you are really a child of the King, that He has really promised you 'this' and 'that'. You feel down and out at times, sometimes unable to hear His voice at all and wonder whether He has given up on you. Even in such a wonderful environment, you forget that people are imperfect. There are those who hurt you, unintentionally and otherwise, and you feel lost, betrayed and filled with despair. Sometimes no one speaks to you. Sometimes you feel people just don't like you for some reason you cannot fathom, because no one has told you why, least of all the people who shun you in the first place.
All in a whole package.
As always, some receive the negative side of things, while others simply enjoy the better side of it most of the time. The one constant that is certain is that everyone goes through the bad and the good times. You might have been terribly emotionally scarred in the past due to constant bullying and comparisons. Guess what? She had her own problems with past relationships and betrayal from friends. He might have killed someone by accident and is constantly plagued by guilt. Guess what? She is a single mother of three who once had two abortions and had to go through the pain of letting her own children die.
The whole package.
School. Love. Life. God knows how many more other things comes in whole packages. Probably everything else in this life.
So many times I just wanted more good things to come. Studies to be better. Discipline to be well-built smoothly. The path towards forging good, strong and loving relationships with people around me a golden road. Life a little less of a struggle.
But there's always the thing about good and bad....Perhaps while you and I suffer now and keep trekking through nearly impassable jungles filled with monstrous denizens and deadly traps, we might just be walking on the beautiful fields of flowers after that once we learn how to deal with all the crap life has to throw at us.
I....really hope for that.
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