Appreciation

How often do you hear others say this?

"I do this for him, then something else for her. I've been helping people here and there. You would think people were more grateful and at least have a word of thanks or a reaction, but what do I get from most of them? Nothing! Sometimes I even get scolded for it!"


Note the word "most".

It is something I can attest to, that most people don't appreciate what you do for them, or at least it feels like they don't.

Being someone who has served in church as an usher, I can attest to that.

Putting numbers to the concept to make it more concrete, let's say (for example) that 8 out of 10 people that you come across in everyday life don't show any form of appreciation or are lacking in it for a good deed you have done for them. (For me, the context of church reduces that number to 4 or 5). Sometimes they don't even react to it.

And thus, the 'most' factor takes our attention. Maybe it's an attribute of a merit-driven ethnos in various cultures and societies, maybe it's simply a automated human response in measuring everything, that 'most' holds the greatest significance. (Think about excuses students make when they fail a difficult test. "Most of us failed and only a handful passed!" Or supposedly good movies. "Most of the people I talk to say that the movie's phenomenal, so it should be.")

But what if, in this case, it is the LEAST that matters more?

Paradoxical, isn't it? But I think it's true.

Instead of focusing on how most people don't appreciate you, focus on how there were at least a few who did.

So the eight people didn't appreciate you. How about showing some awareness for the two who did?

My dad often told me that whether you are happy or sad, the sun will always rise from the East and set in the West, that the world (in general) moves on whether you cheer or grieve.

"So why not make the most of it? Why not be happy and positive?" (Blessed with a good dad, I am).

Why not look at the positives more and focus less on the negatives, since it's part of the world (and perhaps in your culture) and they are going to happen anyway?

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Recently, as an usher, I moved a tiny step in gaining a better understanding of that concept.

I was tired, of course, having slept late due to insomnia.

At this point, there were two choices I could make - I could either exhibit the 'waking-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed' attitude and just get the tasks done, or I could tell myself to be cheerful and serve God and His people.

This time, I decided that the second choice was the better one, so I decided to think and imagine about how good it was to help others find seats, how good it was to guide them through the halls, how satisfying it would be to see rows and rows of chairs being filled and how 'shiok' it would feel to see the people I welcomed to church jumping, singing and clapping in praise of God.

After which I found it easy, even natural to smile (Note: For me, it often feels like it takes more muscles to smile than frown since I do that often for the past 10 years) and greet people as they stream in through the entrances. As I made the second choice, it mattered little to me that most ignored me with stony looks, or at most nodded in my direction to acknowledge.

If I had made the first choice, I would probably be angry at why I was going out of my way and comfort zone to help them, and they aren't even appreciating it.

But this was the second choice, so I kept on doing everything I can to greet and help newcomers, exemplified by the other leaders I've observed.

To my surprise, I suddenly felt as though that there were actually more people showing appreciation with smiles and return of greetings, though a headcount would probably prove me wrong.

And interestingly, once I went out of my way to help others beyond what I was assigned to do, their thanks felt really good.

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Amazing what a little focus on the least, but positive stuff can do to one's day.

So why not focus on the least in this case?

Acknowledge the negative, but focus on the positive.

THEN you will truly feel appreciated.

Reflections, in them I see dead eyes, in them I see new things.

Look in the mirror...What do you see?

Do you see yourself, or do you see someone else there?

And if you have been doing the latter and suddenly returned to doing the former, ask yourself this - Has that image lost its luster?

I think it has, for me....But it's a good thing. Rather than looking at a desired image of a lie projected onto oneself from someone else, it is better to look at the truth of a dully colored self-portrait of oneself.

I'm not him/her. I'm not what he/she desires. I don't need to meet the expectations of him/her, as long as I'm comfortable with myself and comfortable in my own skin.

Sometimes it takes courage to admit you were wrong or have been foolish. At others, humility.

I don't think I'm that courageous nor that humble, but at least I try to do what seems right, and admitting my faults seem just about the right thing, especially when nasty little thoughts creep in to tell you that you should be getting more out of this.

But no more. It's gone, and it will NEVER be welcome again....As are those thoughts. That's when you realise that sometimes...SOMETIMES, in order to uproot the bad stuff, you run the risk of pulling up some good things as well.

And it's gone.

Is there someone to blame? Of course....Myself. I let myself get into the situation. I let myself be unprepared and let myself get hurt. This foolishness is a product of my own, therefore I have to bear the consequences.

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On another note, it feels strange, worrying even, that I'm suddenly focusing on romantic pairings more than ever.

True, since I started watching anime and got acquainted with this 'fan-shipping' of a couple in the shows, there was quite a bit of focus on relationships.

But I'm getting concerned at my sudden re-ignition of the love for fan-shipping again. Frankly, it scares me a little.

Still, had some interesting reads on relationship analysis between various pairings, and found it enlightening to note who are the serious fans, and those who aren't.

Example 1: Fan A of Coupling A writes a freakin' MANIFESTO (In other words, an essay that would put most mediocre university students like me to shame) that analyses the relationship between Anime Guy and Anime Girl, as well as put forth points and evidence to discuss the possibilities and dismiss the other couplings in a diplomatic way.

Example 2: Fan B of Coupling B declares his/her (usually her, I think...But you never know with the Internet and the anonymity it provides) hatred for Coupling A, uses skewed reasoning with little basis behind it to provide 'evidence' of Coupling B, and says Anime Girl in Coupling A should - As quoted from hundreds of comments - "Just Die - No offense intended. :-)" (Again, taken directly from one particular quote that got me irritated).

By the way, if you couldn't tell, I'm a supporter of Coupling A in Bleach. I'll leave you (whoever you are - if there is anyone still reading this) to guess who they are. Heh~

Interesting to see the dynamics behind fan support, don't you think? It's fun to see people get so worked up over something that isn't real, but at the same time all this flaming, trolling, analysis and contests....They are all part of the fan experience.

Before you say this is all stupid and silly behavior over cartoons, I could say the same for soccer, basketball, pop idol fans. They all exhibit similarly ridiculous (as in the flaming and swooning -_-) and show passionate behavior (as in the contests and analysis).

And while it is understandable why they support those things they do (for me, it's that Coupling B or C), that doesn't mean it is approved of all the time.

Just like how a  believer's devoted support to a Death Metal band is understandable (possibly because of influences from friends and/or family), but not approved of simply because it isn't good in so many ways.

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There. Said my piece, even if no one reads it. At least I get something off my mind.

And it can be that ignition key, that starting block for me to zoom or sprint down the road or track to start my writing again.

Peace out.

Recovering Iridescence: Page 1

Difficult times.

Difficult issues.

And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it....I stumbled.

Very, very hard.

But I find myself picking the pieces up.

but who hasn't stumbled in their walk, and in their Walk?

The only difference here, though, is that it is so much harder to do so.

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You know the instances where things-bad things-happen, not with one group of people, but with many, many others in a consistent pattern over a period of several years?

It's normal for that one person to think that "Hey, it's fine. Bad things happen to good people all the time, right?"


But it starts getting bad when that one person realises that when he is not in that group, they work very, very well.

And it happens so many times until it seems like that one person thinks that maybe he is the loose gear in the clockwork of the groups he has been in.

Was it truly a coincidence? Maybe I'm the curse to that group? Why does bad things always happen to the people around me when I come or do stuff?


No prizes for guessing who that one person is.

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I feel a little better getting this off my chest.

It hasn't completely disappeared yet, but a timely slap-metaphorically, of course-from a friend and a little reflection has set the train back on track, albeit a little too slowly.

Truth to be told, it still hurts. How could it not?

But healing is coming again.

What another friend said encouraged me a lot - Despite it all, despite everything that has happened, even though I'm literally crawling through this stage of life, at the very least, I'm still crawling.

Every bone cracked, every organ bruised, but still moving.

Every hope (save one) extinguished, every other talent taken away, but still alive.

The wounded soldier is moving back to where it matters, and moving forward to what should await him.

One day, one day....ONE DAY, he shall stand victorious, joy overflowing, talents returned, ready to be promoted for what he has been through and what he has done.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 116: Better or Worse

Is it better or worse to have someone not talk to you, or to have someone tell you something you don't want to hear?

Time and again, the same cycle repeats itself.

And if it keeps happening, sometimes for supposedly no good reason, the first reaction is to ask, "Why?"

That, is the rational side of me.

On the other hand, there are other voices.

One, unmistakably enticing at one point then condemning and mocking, cannot be mistaken for anything else other than The Enemy.


The other, I would elaborate.

It is...small. Tiny. Sometimes to a point where I can't even hear it.

A small voice that is encouraging, edifying. Egging me on to believe in myself and do things. Telling me that "You can do it" or "You're better than what you think of yourself."

Recently, it's been giving me the idea that I'm actually strong.

.......

Okay, after your laughter subsides, the rationale behind it is simple.

Being through things that may make you so small at times...How many countless times has it been?

Rejection, dejection, depression, disappointment, temptation, guilt.

How many? The voice asks. Not with the tone of a overbearing teacher or parent ready to berate the child, but with a tender tone.

"How many...?" For a dozen seconds or so, I actually seriously went to count it. There was that time I felt utterly rejected after, what, a dozen calls or so without a single reply? There was that time where I felt like totally giving up after failing time and again to shackle an addiction of mine. And the guilt with it - Felt like a weightlifter's barbells! Then there was another-

After a while, I gave up. "Are you kidding? There's too many to count!"

And where are you now?


"Where am I...?" I paused. The question seemed very vague, yet it should be something I know. "What do you mean?"

What do you think? The voice had a bright tint of humor to it and if there was a face to go with it, it will most certainly be smiling at me.

I thought hard, got lost a little here and there, then stumbled upon the answer.

"I'm still...here?"

You're still here.


"I'm still in the race."

Indeed you are.


"I'm still coming back to Him despite everything that has happened."

As many times as you needed and wanted.


"But how?"

Have you ever considered the notion that you might actually be strong?


"Huh?"

Have you ever considered that it was I who took away what you have and let things happen so you can be who you want to be and do what you always wanted to do?


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Up till now, though, I still have difficulty believing that concept, despite the undeniable conviction from the voice. Despite the encouragement and edification from friends.

Am I actually strong?

I don't know....And I don't think I really am.

And the revelation that bad stuff is happening, and that I'm actually a lesser person that who I was before I met Him....

Difficult to swallow, isn't it?

The ultimate question came: Was this for the better or for the worse that I knew something like that?

Some, I imagine, would have turned to rationality. Some would have turned to knowledge. Others simply turn away.

And these are all things I have done before, which is to say that none of these are permanent.


I'm injured. Battered, bruised, beleaguered, crippled sometimes in the body and sometimes in the mind. Adding to the fact that the very one you wholly trusted tells you that He took away what you have for a good reason unknown to you...

It.....is for the better.

Because He has spoken. Because He has always loved me.

And because I am here.

Because I am alive.

And I truly hope that no matter what, the people who have gotten far (no matter the 'distance') from Him will return.

Return...and cast their cares upon Him.

Return, and sing with joy.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 115: Reminiscing Blues

Been tired throughout the whole week. Something to do with dark thoughts and grey moods, I suspect, considering that I have dreams of the similar nature, of the same topic over and over whenever I try to sleep early.

And then it becomes a habit to sleep late.

Recently, those thoughts keep coming back.

What if I had been able to grab hold of the opportunities?

What if I had been more aware?

What if I had been bolder and more willing - despite the twists in my personality - to step forward and break through the walls, perhaps even a little forcefully but confidently?

What if I had went ahead?

What if.....?

Damn it....Too many 'what ifs'.

It's difficult to let the past lie, considering how you were given affirmation and then....Nothing.

Sometimes making a decision and carrying it out are two different things.

Maybe it will be as the saying goes, that 'Time will heal old wounds'.

But if there's a way to simply wipe everything away....As much as I hate to say it...

So be it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 114: Untitled

For lack of a better word, considering that it has been quite a while since I last wrote anything.

First off, an overdue thought on Valentine's Day.

What is it exactly that possesses these men (and women, though much less likely) to buy expensive gifts, book costly dinners or go to extravagant places and splurge it on their spouses or girlfriends?

Some might accuse me of having not felt the 'Eros' love yet, but I have felt plenty.

Being allowed to exercise it fully, though, is another matter.

Also, if your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend always expects you to buy something or take her out somewhere, don't get too careless.

Sure, every girl and woman probably likes to be pleased. It's one thing to feel that way, and completely another to feel it mandatory that you should take her out. Why not just spend the time together, alone, at a nice, romantic place without all the frills and fanfare? Isn't that what love should be - Simple and pure?

No, I haven't (thankfully) lost that concept yet, despite facing severe disappointments on several occasions, some of which has dug a deep hole in my heart.

In the end, whatever it is, Valentine's Day should serve as a good reminder about love in all forms.

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Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 113: Versetehen

Don't know if I got the spelling right, but that was the Phrase/Word of the Week for me.

By the way, it's in German, and what it means is one, simple word that most of us should know, yet have to be constantly reminded of it.

Empathy.


All credit goes to Jayeel, my tutor for this XD2101 (Study of Religions) for bringing it up.

So simple a word, with around 3-4 syllables, yet so powerful.

Empathy.


It made me realise one thing - While we who have a religion, worship the divine(s) (Note: For me it is singular as there is only one absolute Being) always consider others to be so critical of us and so apathetic without asking to understand, don't we ourselves need to look in the mirror first before pointing that finger at others?

After all, the Word always talks about the 'worldly' and their 'worldly ways'.

And most of us, people who are highly educated, faithful and generally sensible tend to group them into one group ourselves.

University students, educators, bankers, scholars, businessmen....People who seem to have a certain pedigree.

Of course, not all think like that, and I'm thankful for that.

But this leads to another thought.

If we (or rather, I) are so reluctant to share our faith, talk about it and discuss it seriously with people who aren't in a religion, what does that tell them about us?

What does that tell you about YOU?

What does that say about our faith in the King?


I'll make it known that I'm not specifically pointing a finger to any single individual, but am only speaking from the experiences I've had with people.


I could write an essay about this, albeit without the jargon and academic terms and phrases, but really, I've been thinking....And was totally shocked and agitated at the result of it.

......No, seriously, I DO think about important things once in a while, okay?

I'll let the rest be a reflection (actually, I'm just being lazy. Won't provide any answers to that!!!) for those who read this blog...If there's anyone reading.

We are all striving towards perfection.

But if perfection seems too far away for some of us...

...Let's at least start with "Versetehen".