Just thought about the sermon last week, and it really, really, really bothered me.
You mean to say that half of my destiny, or more than that, is determined by people around me? The people I managed to interact with? The friends I have?
That's just.....horrible.
It would literally mean, for me, that I'll NEVER get to that destiny.
Yes, I'm being somewhat cynical here. Sue me, okay?
Unless, of course, something changes.
And to know that no one is really close to you, or knows you well, or really cries and laughs with you.......
Say, you out there, if there's anyone at all, of course.
What is the definition of a friend?
Someone who talks with you proactively only on Saturdays and Sundays?
Someone who treats you like a transparent piece of....God-knows-what whenever you try just to talk?
Someone who plays and has fun with you, only to leave you in the cold about their group gatherings and in the lurch about certain important things happening?
Seriously, man....Please tell me....
.....What are friends to a person easily forgotten?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 85: Second Fiddle
What does it feel like to always be '2nd in running' or '3rd in running' or even '1685252nd in running'?
I thought I knew all about it after playing second fiddle for many different situations, and the moment where Man starts to feel he knows enough....
....He actually doesn't.
Being second fiddle sucks. Period.
But to be the first, one probably needs time and effort and energy.
And its fine for certain things, such as positions and achievements, but for the more 'intangible' stuff, this gets pretty difficult. You need to account for personal circumstances, circumstances of other people involved, unresolved issues, obstacles, environment....A whole mess of stuff.
Go figure what I'm talking about. You'll get it, somehow....As long as you are a human, you will definitely get it somehow, someday.
-------------------------
Sometimes it amazes me how the King still uses me.
While no one is perfect, it feels as though there are some that are "more imperfect" than others. Other people who don't know or who don't bother to want to know/care would judge them for who they are on the surface, for how they behave (Yes, action can be a manifestation of the inner heart, but NOT ALL THE TIME, DAMMIT).
How are they more "imperfect"? Just a few simple examples.
-Being sensitive to one's own needs, but insensitive to others.
-Saying one thing and doing another.
- Expecting others to compromise for their comfort, but not that willing to compromise for others.
-Unable to hold in their emotions "normally", resulting in "deviant" behaviour.
-Doing unto others what one would NOT like to be done onto them - even things they heavily criticise and despise.
Obviously, some of these imperfections belong to me.
Fallen so many times, picked myself up so many times, and fell again, and stood up.
The cycle goes on, and sometimes I have one such blasphemous thought (for all you religious people, scream your head off at me if you want):
"God, you must be crazy."
And I'm thinking He really is. He's mad. How can He be so willing to use a wreck? Someone so imperfect, that even a boy or girl 5-6 years his junior would prove to be even better suited for the position or for the responsibilities he has?
Why would He even give visions and dreams that drove this man so much, until he ran headlong into seemingly indomitable steel walls? Aren't there more spiritually strong people? People without personality defects or a unresolved monster of the past still lurking in the heart or someone without flaws that even the youngest member who could make his own decisions didn't have?
But if God is crazy, then so am I.
I'm crazy to keep believing. I'm crazy to keep trying to build relationships with people. I'm crazy for even thinking about pursuing dreams or hopes or a-my desires (good ones, mind you). I'm crazy for even slamming against the damn walls time and again, knowing that I'll get hurt.
I'm crazy time and again for asking for strength and wisdom, knowing what follows would be trial after trial after trial that, on first look, serve to do nothing but break me down into a pathetic, tiny sobbing wreck wracked with guilt and shame and anguish and sorrow.
But here I am.
Bloodied, battered, bruised, injured. Thrown about like a rag doll and felt as though I had been drawn and nearly quartered.
But still alive. Still standing up after every difficult time. Sometimes a little more quicker, sometimes a little more slowly. Sometimes having a portion of my soul gouged out, having a festering wound that leaves more than just a scar.
But for two things, I would have been another set of bones in the valley.
I....was obviously still alive.
And God....was obviously still crazy.
In a very, very heartwarming way.
And I pray, He will continue to be crazy in that way.
I thought I knew all about it after playing second fiddle for many different situations, and the moment where Man starts to feel he knows enough....
....He actually doesn't.
Being second fiddle sucks. Period.
But to be the first, one probably needs time and effort and energy.
And its fine for certain things, such as positions and achievements, but for the more 'intangible' stuff, this gets pretty difficult. You need to account for personal circumstances, circumstances of other people involved, unresolved issues, obstacles, environment....A whole mess of stuff.
Go figure what I'm talking about. You'll get it, somehow....As long as you are a human, you will definitely get it somehow, someday.
-------------------------
Sometimes it amazes me how the King still uses me.
While no one is perfect, it feels as though there are some that are "more imperfect" than others. Other people who don't know or who don't bother to want to know/care would judge them for who they are on the surface, for how they behave (Yes, action can be a manifestation of the inner heart, but NOT ALL THE TIME, DAMMIT).
How are they more "imperfect"? Just a few simple examples.
-Being sensitive to one's own needs, but insensitive to others.
-Saying one thing and doing another.
- Expecting others to compromise for their comfort, but not that willing to compromise for others.
-Unable to hold in their emotions "normally", resulting in "deviant" behaviour.
-Doing unto others what one would NOT like to be done onto them - even things they heavily criticise and despise.
Obviously, some of these imperfections belong to me.
Fallen so many times, picked myself up so many times, and fell again, and stood up.
The cycle goes on, and sometimes I have one such blasphemous thought (for all you religious people, scream your head off at me if you want):
"God, you must be crazy."
And I'm thinking He really is. He's mad. How can He be so willing to use a wreck? Someone so imperfect, that even a boy or girl 5-6 years his junior would prove to be even better suited for the position or for the responsibilities he has?
Why would He even give visions and dreams that drove this man so much, until he ran headlong into seemingly indomitable steel walls? Aren't there more spiritually strong people? People without personality defects or a unresolved monster of the past still lurking in the heart or someone without flaws that even the youngest member who could make his own decisions didn't have?
But if God is crazy, then so am I.
I'm crazy to keep believing. I'm crazy to keep trying to build relationships with people. I'm crazy for even thinking about pursuing dreams or hopes or a-my desires (good ones, mind you). I'm crazy for even slamming against the damn walls time and again, knowing that I'll get hurt.
I'm crazy time and again for asking for strength and wisdom, knowing what follows would be trial after trial after trial that, on first look, serve to do nothing but break me down into a pathetic, tiny sobbing wreck wracked with guilt and shame and anguish and sorrow.
But here I am.
Bloodied, battered, bruised, injured. Thrown about like a rag doll and felt as though I had been drawn and nearly quartered.
But still alive. Still standing up after every difficult time. Sometimes a little more quicker, sometimes a little more slowly. Sometimes having a portion of my soul gouged out, having a festering wound that leaves more than just a scar.
But for two things, I would have been another set of bones in the valley.
I....was obviously still alive.
And God....was obviously still crazy.
In a very, very heartwarming way.
And I pray, He will continue to be crazy in that way.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 84: Potential
Just had a random thought today.
Humans have great potential. All of us do.
But sometimes it takes just one right move, or one wrong step, and everything changes. Your life can turn into a heaven or a hell based on the decisions you make.
The ironic thing is, sometimes when its the right decision to make, you can't see the fruits that you will bear. When its the wrong step to take, you can't visualise the consequences.
That's the difficult thing about making decisions, and sometimes we don't want to risk it. We prefer staying in the comfort zone and reject most, if not all possibilities because one of them will lead you down a path of irreversible change, mostly for the worse.
And thus, we give up ownership of the potential locked inside us by throwing away the key to the trove of possibilities and dreams.
As it is with most normal people, we go through this routine - go to school, get good or at least acceptable grades, go to good tertiary institutions to further studies, get to the local university, get a degree (nowadays its more acceptable to get Honours), get a stable job, find a good wife/husband, get married, settle down with kids, get a modest flat with a modest car and make sure everything's stable in life.
That was long, wasn't it?
Stability is a good thing, of course.Everyone needs stability. Even the people who base their livelihoods on creative endeavors has to think about stability for their family and their own lives. It's a constant worry for freelancers and a top concern for every single person out there (Unless, of course, you live to cause chaos and havoc).
Therein lies the dilemma.
If you attempt to seek your dreams or try to fulfill your potential, something has to change. When something changes, the tectonic plates under the stability you are standing on start to shift and move and shake you out from your place of comfort, where everything seems constant, stable, predictable.
And boring.
More than that, fulfilling potential or chasing one's dreams can actually give people a purpose in life rather than just passing every single day like every other person on the streets.
It would help if one receives help from the environment they are in, or from the people around them. One good reason why friends who tend to be negative or laugh about your dreams aren't really all that good. Another reason being a stifling environment or one that encourages 'economically sound activities and jobs' over creative endeavors, unless your dream is to be a banker or a manager.
The word 'chasing' or 'taking a step' often implies action, though, and its action that we have to take by ourselves.
Perhaps when we do so, we'll take the subsequent steps, and be able to reach our goal somehow.
------------------------------
There are times where I just feel so...alone?
No idea why, but it seems like every friendship, every relationship, every apprenticeship I go through...Nothing comes out of it.
Maybe it's really just me. Maybe I'm made that way, to be eccentric, to be alone despite the best efforts to try to interact and mingle with everyone else.
Maybe I'm made to be aloof, apart from most people; to be single throughout my entire life.
Maybe I'm made to be truly alone.
Why do I feel this way? Simple.
There's been talk about why I should be the one to make the first step if I want the change?
Guess what? I did. Plenty of times.
You can guess just how fruitful those efforts were just from my posting here.
To me, there always seems to be this....wall. This barrier that I cannot pass, and others cannot pass through. Somehow the conversation always breaks off. No one's really interested in what I have to say, or what I do, or what I can do.
I guess the ability to socialise makes a huge difference, especially when there are others who can talk so much better. Perform this or that so much better. Look much better. Are more charismatic.
The list goes on.
So I wonder if my trying will actually yield anything....at all.
The only thing that can keep me going, then, is Faith.
Something that can't be seen, nor felt, nor understood.
Maybe that's why I'm still going for this and that right now.
You know, for a better and stronger self, for a relationship, for friendship, for my dream of writing.
Maybe its too far off for me right now, maybe its not.
Who knows? Only by trying can I fall really, really hard, or get it real good.
Humans have great potential. All of us do.
But sometimes it takes just one right move, or one wrong step, and everything changes. Your life can turn into a heaven or a hell based on the decisions you make.
The ironic thing is, sometimes when its the right decision to make, you can't see the fruits that you will bear. When its the wrong step to take, you can't visualise the consequences.
That's the difficult thing about making decisions, and sometimes we don't want to risk it. We prefer staying in the comfort zone and reject most, if not all possibilities because one of them will lead you down a path of irreversible change, mostly for the worse.
And thus, we give up ownership of the potential locked inside us by throwing away the key to the trove of possibilities and dreams.
As it is with most normal people, we go through this routine - go to school, get good or at least acceptable grades, go to good tertiary institutions to further studies, get to the local university, get a degree (nowadays its more acceptable to get Honours), get a stable job, find a good wife/husband, get married, settle down with kids, get a modest flat with a modest car and make sure everything's stable in life.
That was long, wasn't it?
Stability is a good thing, of course.Everyone needs stability. Even the people who base their livelihoods on creative endeavors has to think about stability for their family and their own lives. It's a constant worry for freelancers and a top concern for every single person out there (Unless, of course, you live to cause chaos and havoc).
Therein lies the dilemma.
If you attempt to seek your dreams or try to fulfill your potential, something has to change. When something changes, the tectonic plates under the stability you are standing on start to shift and move and shake you out from your place of comfort, where everything seems constant, stable, predictable.
And boring.
More than that, fulfilling potential or chasing one's dreams can actually give people a purpose in life rather than just passing every single day like every other person on the streets.
It would help if one receives help from the environment they are in, or from the people around them. One good reason why friends who tend to be negative or laugh about your dreams aren't really all that good. Another reason being a stifling environment or one that encourages 'economically sound activities and jobs' over creative endeavors, unless your dream is to be a banker or a manager.
The word 'chasing' or 'taking a step' often implies action, though, and its action that we have to take by ourselves.
Perhaps when we do so, we'll take the subsequent steps, and be able to reach our goal somehow.
------------------------------
There are times where I just feel so...alone?
No idea why, but it seems like every friendship, every relationship, every apprenticeship I go through...Nothing comes out of it.
Maybe it's really just me. Maybe I'm made that way, to be eccentric, to be alone despite the best efforts to try to interact and mingle with everyone else.
Maybe I'm made to be aloof, apart from most people; to be single throughout my entire life.
Maybe I'm made to be truly alone.
Why do I feel this way? Simple.
There's been talk about why I should be the one to make the first step if I want the change?
Guess what? I did. Plenty of times.
You can guess just how fruitful those efforts were just from my posting here.
To me, there always seems to be this....wall. This barrier that I cannot pass, and others cannot pass through. Somehow the conversation always breaks off. No one's really interested in what I have to say, or what I do, or what I can do.
I guess the ability to socialise makes a huge difference, especially when there are others who can talk so much better. Perform this or that so much better. Look much better. Are more charismatic.
The list goes on.
So I wonder if my trying will actually yield anything....at all.
The only thing that can keep me going, then, is Faith.
Something that can't be seen, nor felt, nor understood.
Maybe that's why I'm still going for this and that right now.
You know, for a better and stronger self, for a relationship, for friendship, for my dream of writing.
Maybe its too far off for me right now, maybe its not.
Who knows? Only by trying can I fall really, really hard, or get it real good.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 82: Fight
You know, I used to fight in primary school, then in secondary.
Kids nowadays will probably go "Chey, apa ini? onli in primary school. We fight and get suspended for one week sia!"
Not something to be proud of, but what the heck.
I don't like to fight after that. First of all, it hurts. Any normal human would know...Unless you have an extremely high threshold for pain, or you simply like fighting (which in this case, go be a MMA practitioner or boxer). Secondly, it hurts the other party. Lastly, it stems from negative emotions such as anger and hatred. Well, most of them do.
I don't like to fight, so sometimes I run away. And I think we all do. From our problems, that is. Away from things that could hurt us and make us hurt others (occasionally).
But when it comes to certain things, like relationships, or warfare on a different level, or certain hopes I have...Or an invasion into the soul.
That's when we need to take up arms and fight back.
I don't like to fight, really.
But when I get serious...
....WATCH OUT.
Kids nowadays will probably go "Chey, apa ini? onli in primary school. We fight and get suspended for one week sia!"
Not something to be proud of, but what the heck.
I don't like to fight after that. First of all, it hurts. Any normal human would know...Unless you have an extremely high threshold for pain, or you simply like fighting (which in this case, go be a MMA practitioner or boxer). Secondly, it hurts the other party. Lastly, it stems from negative emotions such as anger and hatred. Well, most of them do.
I don't like to fight, so sometimes I run away. And I think we all do. From our problems, that is. Away from things that could hurt us and make us hurt others (occasionally).
But when it comes to certain things, like relationships, or warfare on a different level, or certain hopes I have...Or an invasion into the soul.
That's when we need to take up arms and fight back.
I don't like to fight, really.
But when I get serious...
....WATCH OUT.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 82: Inconsequential
Nothing seems to work.
Bad things don't ever seem to end at all.
Good things don't ever seem to come at all.
It's not like X always knows what to do.
It's not like X is as indomitable as he seems.
But X knows, there are people who will judge him even before they ask.
there are people who seem to be friends of X, but remain silent in times of need.
Perhaps X himself is inconsequential, such that everything he has done so far feels inconsequential.
Or perhaps not so, but simply a tiny cog in the gear of the big picture.
Used for a season, then thrown away because it no longer has any use.
Yet X himself isn't vulnerable to the same value judgments others make not just upon him, but also on others.
What can X think when he seems the other cogs fit so nicely and running so smoothly with one another, and his own teeth, no matter how hard he tries to modify them, just doesn't fit?
Maybe X doesn't belong here.
Or maybe X "isn't trying hard enough."
X snorts derisively, because no one tries hard enough either to understand.
Or perhaps because X has tried too hard, he's making such an assumption that others would care enough, too.
Which doesn't really seem to be the case for X.
-------------------
"Why not leave? This place...These places that you never felt like you belong. The setups that always seem to leave you out of something?"
X has contemplated that, time and again, but Hope persuaded him time and again.
Even though X doesn't seem to be doing anything right.
Even though there isn't even a single milestone in sight for his greatest hopes and dreams.
Time and again, he resists Voice. He rejects him, even gets into the usual fights X has with him.
Even though X comes out battered and bruised most of the time, he still stays.
But now, Voice assails him again with weapons.
And X contemplates once more, whether its time to move on and out of the system.
Make no mistake: X wants to be strong, but he knows he isn't.
X wants to become a better, more STABLE cog, but sees little to no result.
X is tired.
But maybe, after all that, no one really cares. Not even the cogs closest to X.
Some seem to think X is strong and can handle this, or he needs to handle every single thing alone.
Some probably misunderstand X's ideals, actions and words that nothing can or should be done.
Other just don't seem to care.
And Hope?
When X looks at himself - this insignificant little cog with average teeth, with a dusty surface. so many cracks to mend, so many things to do.
Yet every other cog is moving in their gears. No one is slowing down just to help X realise what a good cog he might actually be.
No one will wait for X.
X knows its the proper, yet cruel truth about the System, however good it seems. Everyone are cogs after all, and they are made to be like this.
X is thankful to those who slowed down a little just to help him, but even they move on.
But at the end, when X stops, he can't see anything, hear anything.
No one seems to be beside but the Voice, who continues to hit him while he is down.
Where is the Operator?
Or is he just another small cog, failing to live up to expectations, failing to change into a better cog as compared to the others.
Is he just....
....Inconsequential...?
Bad things don't ever seem to end at all.
Good things don't ever seem to come at all.
It's not like X always knows what to do.
It's not like X is as indomitable as he seems.
But X knows, there are people who will judge him even before they ask.
there are people who seem to be friends of X, but remain silent in times of need.
Perhaps X himself is inconsequential, such that everything he has done so far feels inconsequential.
Or perhaps not so, but simply a tiny cog in the gear of the big picture.
Used for a season, then thrown away because it no longer has any use.
Yet X himself isn't vulnerable to the same value judgments others make not just upon him, but also on others.
What can X think when he seems the other cogs fit so nicely and running so smoothly with one another, and his own teeth, no matter how hard he tries to modify them, just doesn't fit?
Maybe X doesn't belong here.
Or maybe X "isn't trying hard enough."
X snorts derisively, because no one tries hard enough either to understand.
Or perhaps because X has tried too hard, he's making such an assumption that others would care enough, too.
Which doesn't really seem to be the case for X.
-------------------
"Why not leave? This place...These places that you never felt like you belong. The setups that always seem to leave you out of something?"
X has contemplated that, time and again, but Hope persuaded him time and again.
Even though X doesn't seem to be doing anything right.
Even though there isn't even a single milestone in sight for his greatest hopes and dreams.
Time and again, he resists Voice. He rejects him, even gets into the usual fights X has with him.
Even though X comes out battered and bruised most of the time, he still stays.
But now, Voice assails him again with weapons.
And X contemplates once more, whether its time to move on and out of the system.
Make no mistake: X wants to be strong, but he knows he isn't.
X wants to become a better, more STABLE cog, but sees little to no result.
X is tired.
But maybe, after all that, no one really cares. Not even the cogs closest to X.
Some seem to think X is strong and can handle this, or he needs to handle every single thing alone.
Some probably misunderstand X's ideals, actions and words that nothing can or should be done.
Other just don't seem to care.
And Hope?
When X looks at himself - this insignificant little cog with average teeth, with a dusty surface. so many cracks to mend, so many things to do.
Yet every other cog is moving in their gears. No one is slowing down just to help X realise what a good cog he might actually be.
No one will wait for X.
X knows its the proper, yet cruel truth about the System, however good it seems. Everyone are cogs after all, and they are made to be like this.
X is thankful to those who slowed down a little just to help him, but even they move on.
But at the end, when X stops, he can't see anything, hear anything.
No one seems to be beside but the Voice, who continues to hit him while he is down.
Where is the Operator?
Or is he just another small cog, failing to live up to expectations, failing to change into a better cog as compared to the others.
Is he just....
....Inconsequential...?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, 81: Escape and Mind-reading
There's a reason why Avoidance and Running away have negative connotations.
To Avoid mainly means not wanting to engage in any conflict. It speaks of a non-confrontational attitude and stance.
That's not too bad, right?
Well, in some cases, it is good, isn't it? Being peace-loving, not wanting to cause conflict, tension and a widening gap between people....It is good.
But when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand, Avoidance becomes a big No-no.
Especially when one knows that certain things arise again and again AND again, in similar situations, but apparently hasn't changed their attitude towards it. And it is actually wiser to deal with it than to Run away.
You reap what you sow, after all. Lessons, sometimes enriching and mostly painful, should have taught most of us that since our fallible nature causes us to make mistakes over and over again.
And that is why I feel that the mistakes we all make, especially in Avoiding things we should be taking care of and Running away because it infringes on our comfort levels, will eventually return to HAUNT us all, especially if this becomes a habit for us.
Think about it - When it comes to issues that you are uncomfortable with and sometimes even exposes your flaws to yourself and others and you keep on running and hiding from it. If you make it a habit to do it with friends and the people around you, what about the people in the future?
Your future friends? Romantic partner? Spouse? In-laws? Children? Mentors?
That is when Regret sets in, and the feeling of Regret is as horrible as it comes when you know you should have done something earlier, but it has become so strong a habit that you can't break it.
So....What? Turn back the clock? Scream your frustration? Continue on this dreary path? Always keep to oneself because societal and cultural norms dictate that it is extremely shameful to share such things?
On the other hand, perhaps these habits were a result of traumatic past experiences, and we ourselves are trying our very best to get rid of these habits. Sometimes you just can't reach a breakthrough and tell the skeptical and overly concerned people around you that you are trying your best, or again, attempt to Hide behind a cheery mask (Nothing wrong with that, but there's the danger of making it a habit).
You know what?
It's okay.
Most importantly, one should know that no matter how old or mature one is, there are always flaws and there is always room for improvement.
That's perhaps one of the greatest flaws of intellectual adults, whether they are young or old.
We think we know best. We think we know it all. We think that this or that isn't a flaw, just a part of our real personality and self.
Well, flaws ARE part of our personality and self.
Yes, we can ask others to accept us for who we are, but the main Question is...
Are we trying our very best to change not for others, but for ourselves after knowing that those are flaws?
Are we ready to put aside our own pride and become open to teaching and advice from older, more mature people, and perhaps even younger ones?
I know I want that, though it isn't easy.
But whoever said that good things come easily?
Don't give up.
---------------------------
Up till now, it puzzles me sometimes...When one talks/rants about trust and personal privacy and rights and whatnot, I've always wanted to ask this question (but did not, for fear they are sensitive to that):
"Have you told others about your boundaries? No? How do you EXPECT them, then, to know those are the boundaries? That that is your definition of trust? Your definition of privacy?"
It's a tricky issue for people who look bright and cheery and crazy on the outside, but hides a rather different self inside.
Well, I think we should get one fact straight.
NOT EVERYONE CAN READ MINDS.
Well, perhaps a select few, but even those are extremely rare.
Yes, there are things you can share and there are things you can't, (The complex key to this is balance, of course) but again, have you thought about what it means when you start saying someone doesn't trust you and misunderstands you grossly, especially if that someone is a friend?
No, seriously...Have you really, REALLY thought about it?
I think it would be natural for others to worry when you start exhibiting behavior different from what you portrayed to others, no?
And when THEIR actions are enacted and YOU think they tell you a different story....
Who's misunderstanding who now?
A little heavy, isn't it?
To end on a more positive note, so glad to be going to church tomorrow. Despite the madness of the week and the strange things happening - things that have to do with a breakdown of something -, at least I can look forward to something.
Here's hoping to an improvement and a better day.
For you and me.
For everyone.
To Avoid mainly means not wanting to engage in any conflict. It speaks of a non-confrontational attitude and stance.
That's not too bad, right?
Well, in some cases, it is good, isn't it? Being peace-loving, not wanting to cause conflict, tension and a widening gap between people....It is good.
But when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand, Avoidance becomes a big No-no.
Especially when one knows that certain things arise again and again AND again, in similar situations, but apparently hasn't changed their attitude towards it. And it is actually wiser to deal with it than to Run away.
You reap what you sow, after all. Lessons, sometimes enriching and mostly painful, should have taught most of us that since our fallible nature causes us to make mistakes over and over again.
And that is why I feel that the mistakes we all make, especially in Avoiding things we should be taking care of and Running away because it infringes on our comfort levels, will eventually return to HAUNT us all, especially if this becomes a habit for us.
Think about it - When it comes to issues that you are uncomfortable with and sometimes even exposes your flaws to yourself and others and you keep on running and hiding from it. If you make it a habit to do it with friends and the people around you, what about the people in the future?
Your future friends? Romantic partner? Spouse? In-laws? Children? Mentors?
That is when Regret sets in, and the feeling of Regret is as horrible as it comes when you know you should have done something earlier, but it has become so strong a habit that you can't break it.
So....What? Turn back the clock? Scream your frustration? Continue on this dreary path? Always keep to oneself because societal and cultural norms dictate that it is extremely shameful to share such things?
On the other hand, perhaps these habits were a result of traumatic past experiences, and we ourselves are trying our very best to get rid of these habits. Sometimes you just can't reach a breakthrough and tell the skeptical and overly concerned people around you that you are trying your best, or again, attempt to Hide behind a cheery mask (Nothing wrong with that, but there's the danger of making it a habit).
You know what?
It's okay.
Most importantly, one should know that no matter how old or mature one is, there are always flaws and there is always room for improvement.
That's perhaps one of the greatest flaws of intellectual adults, whether they are young or old.
We think we know best. We think we know it all. We think that this or that isn't a flaw, just a part of our real personality and self.
Well, flaws ARE part of our personality and self.
Yes, we can ask others to accept us for who we are, but the main Question is...
Are we trying our very best to change not for others, but for ourselves after knowing that those are flaws?
Are we ready to put aside our own pride and become open to teaching and advice from older, more mature people, and perhaps even younger ones?
I know I want that, though it isn't easy.
But whoever said that good things come easily?
Don't give up.
---------------------------
Up till now, it puzzles me sometimes...When one talks/rants about trust and personal privacy and rights and whatnot, I've always wanted to ask this question (but did not, for fear they are sensitive to that):
"Have you told others about your boundaries? No? How do you EXPECT them, then, to know those are the boundaries? That that is your definition of trust? Your definition of privacy?"
It's a tricky issue for people who look bright and cheery and crazy on the outside, but hides a rather different self inside.
Well, I think we should get one fact straight.
NOT EVERYONE CAN READ MINDS.
Well, perhaps a select few, but even those are extremely rare.
Yes, there are things you can share and there are things you can't, (The complex key to this is balance, of course) but again, have you thought about what it means when you start saying someone doesn't trust you and misunderstands you grossly, especially if that someone is a friend?
No, seriously...Have you really, REALLY thought about it?
I think it would be natural for others to worry when you start exhibiting behavior different from what you portrayed to others, no?
And when THEIR actions are enacted and YOU think they tell you a different story....
Who's misunderstanding who now?
A little heavy, isn't it?
To end on a more positive note, so glad to be going to church tomorrow. Despite the madness of the week and the strange things happening - things that have to do with a breakdown of something -, at least I can look forward to something.
Here's hoping to an improvement and a better day.
For you and me.
For everyone.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Cliff's Edge
Standing on the cliff's edge can be terrifying.
Not so when you've been running blindly towards the crevasse, not at all sure that you were actually running towards your doom, death coming to you a thousand feet down.
But once you stop at the cliff's edge, only do you realise that you've barely escaped that. Only when you look down, do you realise the consequences of what happened if you didn't stop and if you took one step too far.
Instead of thinking 'why did things progress in such a sour and callous manner?', think that 'Phew, I managed to stop in time. Let's just put my trust in Him.'
And no matter how many times, I think that it was all worth it...Because that's what comes when one asks for strength. For capacity. For...You know, other things.
You don't get it like microwaved food - you put it in your faith microwave, pray up a storm, feel the fire coming down to warm and cook your prayer then get it once the heat is enough.
My King is the chef, and he decides when to cook it and how to cook it.
It might not be the dish I expect, but I certainly feel its something of the same nature.
So I can't give up.
Can't fall to the trap of the Accuser either.
And the previous post was perhaps another Cliff's Edge moment.
Despite the negative vibes coming from it, I thank my King that I did not take it one step too far and plummet to the complete and possibly irreversible death of....things. Things like faith, relationships, hopes and dreams. If someone chastises me over that, I'll be thankful, even for that.
Another thing I can do, of course, is to put the issue(s) behind for the time being and pull them up again when all parties are ready to face it. How would I know if we are all ready? I don't know...But I have a feeling my King will prompt me, gently or maybe even in a more...deliberate manner.
Not so when you've been running blindly towards the crevasse, not at all sure that you were actually running towards your doom, death coming to you a thousand feet down.
But once you stop at the cliff's edge, only do you realise that you've barely escaped that. Only when you look down, do you realise the consequences of what happened if you didn't stop and if you took one step too far.
Instead of thinking 'why did things progress in such a sour and callous manner?', think that 'Phew, I managed to stop in time. Let's just put my trust in Him.'
And no matter how many times, I think that it was all worth it...Because that's what comes when one asks for strength. For capacity. For...You know, other things.
You don't get it like microwaved food - you put it in your faith microwave, pray up a storm, feel the fire coming down to warm and cook your prayer then get it once the heat is enough.
My King is the chef, and he decides when to cook it and how to cook it.
It might not be the dish I expect, but I certainly feel its something of the same nature.
So I can't give up.
Can't fall to the trap of the Accuser either.
And the previous post was perhaps another Cliff's Edge moment.
Despite the negative vibes coming from it, I thank my King that I did not take it one step too far and plummet to the complete and possibly irreversible death of....things. Things like faith, relationships, hopes and dreams. If someone chastises me over that, I'll be thankful, even for that.
Another thing I can do, of course, is to put the issue(s) behind for the time being and pull them up again when all parties are ready to face it. How would I know if we are all ready? I don't know...But I have a feeling my King will prompt me, gently or maybe even in a more...deliberate manner.
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