One fine day, on the MRT, I heard a little voice calling out inside my mind.
It was all too familiar - My imagination was pleading with me to let it out, my mind was asking me to think about good times again before I slip into another monotonous routine of fiddling with my cell phone or pulling out a novel to read.
At first I resisted, knowing how it ended the last time. But after a while, I acquiesced to their requests.
The images pop up, the memories came up, and instantly I regretted being so compliant once again.
Yes, those were happy memories, happy thoughts. Things that were nice and warm and fuzzy. In fact, one of them was the very first thing that got me going and gave me plenty of hope.
However, all those were in the past. The very first vivid dream of bliss I ever had.....
.....Probably forever shattered unless He wants it otherwise.
The memories? I was happy, alright, but the nagging question was...Were the other persons in those moments happy as well? Was I simply being a fool by feeling great by myself?
And I regretted allowing my imagination to go loose again, even though not letting it free might be detrimental to my other endeavor. Sometimes one starts thinking what could have been if one did not make those stupid mistakes. If one actually had the brains and time to improve quickly enough. If one had not rushed things and been overly friendly...
This is when I realise that hurt and disappointment can run more deeper than we think.
-----------------
Sometimes we think ourselves to be fine, to be all right. We put on a cheery mask and smile and laugh and joke with others while hiding the hurt from them all.
Nothing wrong with hiding. After all, every single person has things you don't want to say to certain people because of various reasons.
But when you hide it for a long, long time, the adverse effects will overflow into other areas of one's life. Your friendships start to get affected. Your behavior doesn't match in one social context to another. You start to get particularly sensitive about your own boundaries and find it extremely difficult to trust others, choosing instead to believe in the misunderstandings that arise, always choosing to rely on yourself mainly.
Speaking from experience, that I am. Not just from my own, but from other friends I've seen. More than once, I've seen dreams shattered because of people being too guarded. Friendships nearly severed, then repaired but with a seemingly permanent wall between them.
Nothing wrong with protecting ourselves and having a certain boundary, but putting on armor and covering yourself with spikes and weapons are two very, very different things.
----------------
I hate misunderstandings.
And in the same sense, I hate not knowing what the hell is going on when a friend suddenly refuses to talk, reply or has a sudden cold attitude towards you.
A few people close to me often say, "It's like that one. Nothing much you can do about it but just hope for the best." or "Let God resolve it."
They are right, of course, but it is still so very irksome when you don't know WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG and absolutely no one else can tell you what it is clearly except the person, or people who have a 180-degree change of attitude towards you.
The catch is, there's absolutely no way they will tell you.
Screw "Hope for the best." Screw "Try to find out one way or another." Screw "Be a little more confrontational."
I think I'll let God tell me what went wrong in due time while I try to change the bad stuff about myself.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 104: Defiant
I like being defiant.
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 103: Traveled
Ever looked out of the back window of a car, or a vehicle?
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 102: Little Things
A rather enlightening and humbling conversation with a few of my peers (some of them younger, but probably wiser than me and some others I know) gave me a fresh opportunity to explore the concept of 'impacting others through doing small things'.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 101: White Christmas
I'm still dreaming of it.
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 100: Challenge
100th chapter. To think I was saving it up for a Christmas post.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 99: Mirror
Do you like to look in the mirror?
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 98: Decisions
It's that time of the year again.
Yeah, some of it IS about Christmas and Santa Claus and Rudolph and presents and whatnot, but on the other hand, what would be the most defining decisions for this year and possibly the next are about to come.
To stay, or to go over?
To trust in God and give up, or to keep hanging on?
The second question seems rhetorical. Most people would say "Of course trust in God lah!"
They are right, of course, and no offense. I believe everyone who says that meant well and have no ill intentions. But when that person is you in that situation, would you perhaps say it so confidently?
Honestly speaking, I can't...But thank God that He is currently showing me the way. Thank God that there are good friends who I can truly share with, without them feeling I am a bother or I am needy, even desperate. Thank God for the revelations and reflections I have been doing for this week. Thank God for the leaders who have impacted me so.
Yet I know that I need to be more humble, more contrite. Not always thinking that my way is the first thing. Or running away from problems every time something makes me feel out of my comfort zone.
Does that sound familiar or does it prick you somewhere? It's best if it doesn't, of course....But if it does, then I hope that everyone reflects on themselves rather than think who and who is at fault, and always have the first thought as why God isn't coming true for them.
Then again, nothing endures, except for Him and his Word.
Not even the giving up of certain things.
So maybe I'll be able to surrender it to God soon enough.
Hope to share that as good news!
Yeah, some of it IS about Christmas and Santa Claus and Rudolph and presents and whatnot, but on the other hand, what would be the most defining decisions for this year and possibly the next are about to come.
To stay, or to go over?
To trust in God and give up, or to keep hanging on?
The second question seems rhetorical. Most people would say "Of course trust in God lah!"
They are right, of course, and no offense. I believe everyone who says that meant well and have no ill intentions. But when that person is you in that situation, would you perhaps say it so confidently?
Honestly speaking, I can't...But thank God that He is currently showing me the way. Thank God that there are good friends who I can truly share with, without them feeling I am a bother or I am needy, even desperate. Thank God for the revelations and reflections I have been doing for this week. Thank God for the leaders who have impacted me so.
Yet I know that I need to be more humble, more contrite. Not always thinking that my way is the first thing. Or running away from problems every time something makes me feel out of my comfort zone.
Does that sound familiar or does it prick you somewhere? It's best if it doesn't, of course....But if it does, then I hope that everyone reflects on themselves rather than think who and who is at fault, and always have the first thought as why God isn't coming true for them.
Then again, nothing endures, except for Him and his Word.
Not even the giving up of certain things.
So maybe I'll be able to surrender it to God soon enough.
Hope to share that as good news!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 97: Bitter Medicine...
It's really hard to swallow.
But when you realise that simply just resting and eating supplements aren't good enough, yet you don't want to take the step to take medicine, someone else has to do it, sometimes forcefully.
I'm not sure if this medicine might be a little too hard to swallow, though...An almost direct piece of advice telling me to give up on something that I've been praying for.
Perhaps it's not the season yet?
Perhaps I need to do more?
Perhaps there are things that I need to rip out and get rid of in my life?
Perhaps there are other ways in glorifying Him while having a sense of satisfaction and feeling of bliss?
I seriously don't know, though I can say this medicine is extremely difficult to swallow.
Yes, I nodded my head, but the moisture around my eyes should tell you the real story.
I can't accept it. Fully. Yet.
But when I made the decision to open my mouth and gulp down the distasteful concoction, maybe one day the totally impossible can really become possible.
For He works in mysterious ways, and He hasn't brought me this far to destroy me, but to give me a hope and a future.
But when you realise that simply just resting and eating supplements aren't good enough, yet you don't want to take the step to take medicine, someone else has to do it, sometimes forcefully.
I'm not sure if this medicine might be a little too hard to swallow, though...An almost direct piece of advice telling me to give up on something that I've been praying for.
Perhaps it's not the season yet?
Perhaps I need to do more?
Perhaps there are things that I need to rip out and get rid of in my life?
Perhaps there are other ways in glorifying Him while having a sense of satisfaction and feeling of bliss?
I seriously don't know, though I can say this medicine is extremely difficult to swallow.
Yes, I nodded my head, but the moisture around my eyes should tell you the real story.
I can't accept it. Fully. Yet.
But when I made the decision to open my mouth and gulp down the distasteful concoction, maybe one day the totally impossible can really become possible.
For He works in mysterious ways, and He hasn't brought me this far to destroy me, but to give me a hope and a future.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 96: Dealing with Oneself, Eating your own Meds
"You know, this person is just so difficult?"
"How so?"
"He/She doesn't reply when I call or message him/her! Doesn't that just irritate you?"
....Aren't you doing the same thing to others who try to contact you?
-----------------------
Had this type of conversation not just once, twice or even thrice. (Note: The content isn't exactly word for word, but the meaning is the same).
It has been repeated countless times, with one of the more impressionable ones just a few months ago.
In all honesty, it's not just talking with others that I see this, but also in a inner dialogue, something which I've neglected of late. Ultimately, the question that came to my mind was this after a period of random musings today:
How do we react when we're dealing with the negative part of ourselves?
Very often, it may well seem that we can be as blind as a bat ourselves, despite all the eye surgery or spectacles or whatnot that we deign to go through or apply. Blind not to the sight of beautiful things, but very blind to our own faults.
If it's shown in others, it's so easy to spot.
But if we ourselves practise them, they suddenly become invisible.
As the Son has implied in the Word, we should be taking the plank out of our own eyes before telling others that they have a speck in theirs.
Or at the very least, be aware of it and find ways to deal with it.
To be a little more blunt, let's put it this way.
Not happy that people aren't replying? Well, are there instances where you don't reply or answer other people as well? What are the reasons? Could those reasons perhaps be similar for the people who did not give you an answer?
--------------------
Another catalyst that caused me to remember this was - surprise, surprise - an anime I watched about a little sister having to deal with a character with traits strikingly similar to hers. The way she talks, acts, behaves towards her elder brother, that is.
It was hilarious to watch because of her personality and knowing that she is getting a taste of her own medicine, but perhaps in our context we might not find it so funny.
We make jokes about others sometimes without knowing how sensitive it might be and sometimes apologize halfheartedly because it 'seems like the right thing to do'.
We hit others according to our gauge of 'a little strength'. Criticise others for being insensitive, for misunderstand us. For mouthing off things impulsively in the heat of anger. Sometimes things they don't really mean what they say.
"The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed."
Perhaps things aren't as serious in our present context, but....
Are you prepared to have people joking about things that are sensitive to you?
Are you prepared to be hit by what others consider to be using 'just' a little strength?
Are you prepared to be criticised for being insensitive towards others?
Are you prepared to be criticised for misunderstanding other people?
Are you prepared to be chastised for speaking on an impulse?
Sometimes, we can't see beyond our own faults. Especially for adults.
Especially for people like me.
----------------------
How do we deal with it?
Change, of course. First with awareness of our own faults and our own actions, then taking steps to change and move in the direction we want to.
The notion itself may be idealistic, considering how people are a fallen lot, but wouldn't it be better if we are constantly reflecting upon our actions, just as we constantly ask God for forgiveness for the wrong things we do?
Besides, change doesn't happen immediately. It takes time.
It will do a world of good to ourselves AND to others if everyone knows about that and understands.
So...I'm going to get a soul mirror sometimes soon.
Will you be getting one too?
"How so?"
"He/She doesn't reply when I call or message him/her! Doesn't that just irritate you?"
....Aren't you doing the same thing to others who try to contact you?
-----------------------
Had this type of conversation not just once, twice or even thrice. (Note: The content isn't exactly word for word, but the meaning is the same).
It has been repeated countless times, with one of the more impressionable ones just a few months ago.
In all honesty, it's not just talking with others that I see this, but also in a inner dialogue, something which I've neglected of late. Ultimately, the question that came to my mind was this after a period of random musings today:
How do we react when we're dealing with the negative part of ourselves?
Very often, it may well seem that we can be as blind as a bat ourselves, despite all the eye surgery or spectacles or whatnot that we deign to go through or apply. Blind not to the sight of beautiful things, but very blind to our own faults.
If it's shown in others, it's so easy to spot.
But if we ourselves practise them, they suddenly become invisible.
As the Son has implied in the Word, we should be taking the plank out of our own eyes before telling others that they have a speck in theirs.
Or at the very least, be aware of it and find ways to deal with it.
To be a little more blunt, let's put it this way.
Not happy that people aren't replying? Well, are there instances where you don't reply or answer other people as well? What are the reasons? Could those reasons perhaps be similar for the people who did not give you an answer?
--------------------
Another catalyst that caused me to remember this was - surprise, surprise - an anime I watched about a little sister having to deal with a character with traits strikingly similar to hers. The way she talks, acts, behaves towards her elder brother, that is.
It was hilarious to watch because of her personality and knowing that she is getting a taste of her own medicine, but perhaps in our context we might not find it so funny.
We make jokes about others sometimes without knowing how sensitive it might be and sometimes apologize halfheartedly because it 'seems like the right thing to do'.
We hit others according to our gauge of 'a little strength'. Criticise others for being insensitive, for misunderstand us. For mouthing off things impulsively in the heat of anger. Sometimes things they don't really mean what they say.
"The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed."
Perhaps things aren't as serious in our present context, but....
Are you prepared to have people joking about things that are sensitive to you?
Are you prepared to be hit by what others consider to be using 'just' a little strength?
Are you prepared to be criticised for being insensitive towards others?
Are you prepared to be criticised for misunderstanding other people?
Are you prepared to be chastised for speaking on an impulse?
Sometimes, we can't see beyond our own faults. Especially for adults.
Especially for people like me.
----------------------
How do we deal with it?
Change, of course. First with awareness of our own faults and our own actions, then taking steps to change and move in the direction we want to.
The notion itself may be idealistic, considering how people are a fallen lot, but wouldn't it be better if we are constantly reflecting upon our actions, just as we constantly ask God for forgiveness for the wrong things we do?
Besides, change doesn't happen immediately. It takes time.
It will do a world of good to ourselves AND to others if everyone knows about that and understands.
So...I'm going to get a soul mirror sometimes soon.
Will you be getting one too?
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 95: Beyond Me
If it so happens my presence causes discomfort, all I can do is this.
"I'm sorry."
Other than that, there's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else anyone can really do, for that matter.
I've been in a situation like this where the place I go to has someone that makes me feel uncomfortable, yet it is an important place. For example, school. Classrooms. Training hall.
But what can he/she do? Leave the place just to please you?
It doesn't work that way, especially if he/she has a greater purpose in mind. He/she is there to study, to get a good education. To make friends and have fun for him/herself. To become a better athlete.
And I go to where I go because of a greater purpose. If someone finds my presence a nuisance...Frankly speaking, that's too bad, because they could be missing out on their greater purpose.
It's a musing that has nested for quite a while, and I thought it would be nice to at least reveal the possible closure I have on such an issue.
I've gone the Doubting Thomas route before.
And I most certainly hope no one else walks that as well, just because of one or two people.
-------------------
Hospitality.
If some don't show it to you, doesn't mean you shouldn't show it to them.
I think that's rather important, especially when there are people you want to talk to, but find it extremely difficult to communicate with - Always making sure your focus is there on what is 'true' of you.
"I'm sorry."
Other than that, there's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else anyone can really do, for that matter.
I've been in a situation like this where the place I go to has someone that makes me feel uncomfortable, yet it is an important place. For example, school. Classrooms. Training hall.
But what can he/she do? Leave the place just to please you?
It doesn't work that way, especially if he/she has a greater purpose in mind. He/she is there to study, to get a good education. To make friends and have fun for him/herself. To become a better athlete.
And I go to where I go because of a greater purpose. If someone finds my presence a nuisance...Frankly speaking, that's too bad, because they could be missing out on their greater purpose.
It's a musing that has nested for quite a while, and I thought it would be nice to at least reveal the possible closure I have on such an issue.
I've gone the Doubting Thomas route before.
And I most certainly hope no one else walks that as well, just because of one or two people.
-------------------
Hospitality.
If some don't show it to you, doesn't mean you shouldn't show it to them.
I think that's rather important, especially when there are people you want to talk to, but find it extremely difficult to communicate with - Always making sure your focus is there on what is 'true' of you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 94: Burdened
This isn't the life I envisioned.
Nor is this what I thought should be happening.
But things don't always go how you want them to.
A light example: I always imagined myself to be talking freely to others, socialising, joking, making friends, having a good relationship and communicating well with a significant other ('a', simply because it hasn't happened yet), being very forthright in displaying affection for others, remembering things that area important to others.
But sometimes your abilities don't match your dreams. Things don't happen the way you want them to, and obstacles crop up suddenly. The hearts of people are beyond what you ever expect them to be, and you have to learn to reassess everything again.
--------------------
I don't really know what brought this on. Perhaps after returning to the Lord once more could be the main reason, together with the fact that my confidence is still on an average level for an average person.
The renewed sense of urgency for people, for myself, for my dreams that is mixed with the old, expiring ingredients of negative comparisons and emotions as well as troubling issues could be the more detailed reason.
--------------------
I said I wanted to be a leader.
But with the way I am, it's impossible.
To be honest, there are a tonne of people out there who are more qualified, more empowered, more sociable, more loving, more handsome, more influential, much, much more confident than I am.
BUT I do know I have two things with me - Willingness, and the trust of a great God who will lead me to a greater future.
I wonder if that's how Moses felt when he kept protesting, and eventually God still used him anyway (after rebuking him a few times, of course). The notion that God actually rebuked him and STILL uses him despite his iniquities (Aaron is apparently much, much more capable than he is) and his unbelief (Constant protests after speaking to the burning bush) means one thing.
God trusts him.
So perhaps God trusts me too, and maybe that's why, as I sat in front of the computer for a prolonged period of two hours, I began to feel restless for the first time in a long while.
This isn't what I want to do, Facebooking or tweeting or merely following other people's activities, or playing games.
This is meaningless.
I'm burdened with this, and wonder if there can ever be a powerful change in my life that will see me transformed, that everything I've experienced will bear much fruit, so much that even the impossible dreams or hopes I have come to pass.
But if God did it to Pastor, to so many religious leaders around the world...
....Why not me?
Keep on keeping on.
Nor is this what I thought should be happening.
But things don't always go how you want them to.
A light example: I always imagined myself to be talking freely to others, socialising, joking, making friends, having a good relationship and communicating well with a significant other ('a', simply because it hasn't happened yet), being very forthright in displaying affection for others, remembering things that area important to others.
But sometimes your abilities don't match your dreams. Things don't happen the way you want them to, and obstacles crop up suddenly. The hearts of people are beyond what you ever expect them to be, and you have to learn to reassess everything again.
--------------------
I don't really know what brought this on. Perhaps after returning to the Lord once more could be the main reason, together with the fact that my confidence is still on an average level for an average person.
The renewed sense of urgency for people, for myself, for my dreams that is mixed with the old, expiring ingredients of negative comparisons and emotions as well as troubling issues could be the more detailed reason.
--------------------
I said I wanted to be a leader.
But with the way I am, it's impossible.
To be honest, there are a tonne of people out there who are more qualified, more empowered, more sociable, more loving, more handsome, more influential, much, much more confident than I am.
BUT I do know I have two things with me - Willingness, and the trust of a great God who will lead me to a greater future.
I wonder if that's how Moses felt when he kept protesting, and eventually God still used him anyway (after rebuking him a few times, of course). The notion that God actually rebuked him and STILL uses him despite his iniquities (Aaron is apparently much, much more capable than he is) and his unbelief (Constant protests after speaking to the burning bush) means one thing.
God trusts him.
So perhaps God trusts me too, and maybe that's why, as I sat in front of the computer for a prolonged period of two hours, I began to feel restless for the first time in a long while.
This isn't what I want to do, Facebooking or tweeting or merely following other people's activities, or playing games.
This is meaningless.
I'm burdened with this, and wonder if there can ever be a powerful change in my life that will see me transformed, that everything I've experienced will bear much fruit, so much that even the impossible dreams or hopes I have come to pass.
But if God did it to Pastor, to so many religious leaders around the world...
....Why not me?
Keep on keeping on.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 93: Wheel
As one would know, a wheel is often considered as being one of the most important inventions Man has ever made.
Without it, we wouldn't have cars, trains, wheelchairs, bicycles...Even passenger jets.
Without it, we wouldn't have the classical TV game show, 'The Wheel of Fortune', nor Robert Jordan's famous novel series 'The Wheel of Time'.
But more than that, the wheel also becomes an important metaphor.
In this case, perhaps one would call it the wheel of Fate?
Simply put, people can sometimes go a full circle, a complete revolution (as in the wheel spinning one time completely) and feel that they are back at the same point, but actually they aren't.
The concept is rather hard to grasp, of course, because when one says someone has gone 'one whole round', it usually means he/she has returned to the starting point.
The other idea about this is better, of course. 'Full circle' has the meaning that someone has gone through a whole process of incidents/occurrences and has arrived at some point of completion.
-------------------
I feel that 'Full circle' more or less describes what I'm feeling now.
Had a great meeting and wonderful times of fellowship as well as some really meaningful self-reflection and insight on certain things. It made me realise certain things about myself.
1) I'm probably one of the most imperfect people around...but then again, there are probably many others who think that way too.
2) I love people. I love company, and that is perhaps why I hesitate on making a decision as to whether I should stay or go, especially when the places we meet at is so far away from where I stayed.
3) After all the things that have happened, it feels like I'm back where I started....But perhaps not.
(3) Happens to be the most important thing at the moment, because it really feels like there's been a change. To put it bluntly, it feels like I won't be so affected by certain things so much already. Things that I dream of or treasure.
And I believe that despite my iniquities and the probable fact that every single friend or family member I have is at least ten times better/more qualified than I am, I can still go for them.
The notion of success has never crossed my mind as much as traffic lights have never crossed the road before, I think, and this is perhaps the first time I really, really, really felt that in my heart, things could change.
I don't see them now, of course, especially if those are long-term dreams or hopes. But rather than harp on wanting it NOW, I rather think about taking those small, steady steps towards the goal, all the while making myself gain qualities that I would like to see in some of the things I think of.
Difficult? No one said it was easy, so yeah. Not especially when the facts remain that I have a lot to learn despite my age, my looks are far from desirable, my spiritual life isn't exactly the best example and I'm not exactly the most exciting, jovial, likable person around.
YET I think God can bring me there, and everything I have been facing is preparing me for those things.
How will it turn out? I don't know. Will there be disappointment? Probably. Will there be pain? Surely, for someone like me.
BUT I'm comforted in being reminded time and time again that God is always there, just as He was with Joshua when he embarked on the campaign to take the Promised Land.
And considering the fact that the prompting, the visions, the dreams, the answers, the presence had the same comforting, awe-inspiring, reassuring feel and surety, how can it be wrong?
And so the spiritual and physical healing continues.
May it all bring glory to Him forever and ever.
Without it, we wouldn't have cars, trains, wheelchairs, bicycles...Even passenger jets.
Without it, we wouldn't have the classical TV game show, 'The Wheel of Fortune', nor Robert Jordan's famous novel series 'The Wheel of Time'.
But more than that, the wheel also becomes an important metaphor.
In this case, perhaps one would call it the wheel of Fate?
Simply put, people can sometimes go a full circle, a complete revolution (as in the wheel spinning one time completely) and feel that they are back at the same point, but actually they aren't.
The concept is rather hard to grasp, of course, because when one says someone has gone 'one whole round', it usually means he/she has returned to the starting point.
The other idea about this is better, of course. 'Full circle' has the meaning that someone has gone through a whole process of incidents/occurrences and has arrived at some point of completion.
-------------------
I feel that 'Full circle' more or less describes what I'm feeling now.
Had a great meeting and wonderful times of fellowship as well as some really meaningful self-reflection and insight on certain things. It made me realise certain things about myself.
1) I'm probably one of the most imperfect people around...but then again, there are probably many others who think that way too.
2) I love people. I love company, and that is perhaps why I hesitate on making a decision as to whether I should stay or go, especially when the places we meet at is so far away from where I stayed.
3) After all the things that have happened, it feels like I'm back where I started....But perhaps not.
(3) Happens to be the most important thing at the moment, because it really feels like there's been a change. To put it bluntly, it feels like I won't be so affected by certain things so much already. Things that I dream of or treasure.
And I believe that despite my iniquities and the probable fact that every single friend or family member I have is at least ten times better/more qualified than I am, I can still go for them.
The notion of success has never crossed my mind as much as traffic lights have never crossed the road before, I think, and this is perhaps the first time I really, really, really felt that in my heart, things could change.
I don't see them now, of course, especially if those are long-term dreams or hopes. But rather than harp on wanting it NOW, I rather think about taking those small, steady steps towards the goal, all the while making myself gain qualities that I would like to see in some of the things I think of.
Difficult? No one said it was easy, so yeah. Not especially when the facts remain that I have a lot to learn despite my age, my looks are far from desirable, my spiritual life isn't exactly the best example and I'm not exactly the most exciting, jovial, likable person around.
YET I think God can bring me there, and everything I have been facing is preparing me for those things.
How will it turn out? I don't know. Will there be disappointment? Probably. Will there be pain? Surely, for someone like me.
BUT I'm comforted in being reminded time and time again that God is always there, just as He was with Joshua when he embarked on the campaign to take the Promised Land.
And considering the fact that the prompting, the visions, the dreams, the answers, the presence had the same comforting, awe-inspiring, reassuring feel and surety, how can it be wrong?
And so the spiritual and physical healing continues.
May it all bring glory to Him forever and ever.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 92: Moving on and not Moving on
At some point in life, anyone will come to a crossroad of decisions. Four ways are available to you, literally speaking, with the last one considered as retracing your steps and backing down.
But I have never considered the possibility that sometimes you can face multiple crossroads at one time. Not possible in a literal sense, of course, but not every part of life is always literal.
I never had the illusion, of course, that life will be easy. Not even when it seems I've half-weathered, half-blindly groped through the torrential rains of a few storms. Sometimes the wind doesn't blow at that opportune time, and you don't get to see the rainbow or the sun immediately.
BUT the hope is there, and I would be lying if I said my dreams were dead. I'd also be lying if I said I did not have a compass or two to guide me through, and for that I'm extremely thankful.
-----------------
I remembered and read once more about God and the people of Israel, and pondered about the meaning of what Pastor mentioned as a casual, but encouraging remark.
"God brought us out to bring us in."
Such a cryptic phrase, but when you get to know the context (Brought them out of Egypt and slavery to bring them into the Promised Land), it becomes clear.
Sometimes, when one goes for what he/she wants, he/she has to leave the comfort zone behind. It no longer becomes a place where he/she will keep hearing encouragement, and perhaps he/she will become even more vulnerable to external influences and things or people that try to put them down.
The Egypt of our lives are set. It is something we know.
What about the Promised Land? The land overflowing with milk and honey?
It is something that cannot be seen, something that cannot be felt. Even Moses, the deliverer of his people, didn't get to see it until he was about to go home to the Lord and his ancestors.
He didn't see the struggles. The wars. The conflicts. And though he knew it, he didn't see how far Israel would deviate from their God.
Perhaps that's the true for our Promised Land. Our dreams. Things that cannot be seen, but with only one promise from God. One vision. One dream. One sentence. And because it is so intangible, sometimes we fall away and shift our focus away from God. Sometimes we cry out against Him and the people whom he has put in our lives (those who antagonise you or are good to you), and ask why he did all these.
But I realised that perhaps everything that happened was part of God's bigger plan.
Yes....EVERYTHING.
For He is in control.
And when we obey and give praise to Him, He will bring us there.
Eventually.
Definitely.
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