Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 70: Questions

Is hope linked with expectations, or are they two very different things? 

If yes, is it wrong to say that "I don't want to have any more expectations out of this" and declare "BUT I still have hope that something good is going happen?" 

If not, then what exactly are they, if not linked? 

Maybe it's the slight fever + migraine + flu I suddenly came down with, but this thought that accompanied it just wouldn't go away, what with the situations I'm in. 

Would be nice if someone who reads this actually answered.

If not, screw it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 69: Inspiring Revival

SOT graduation today.

For those who do not know, SOT stands for School of Theology.

But before that, cell group and service, and fellowship.

And I felt so blessed.

Truly, church is the place where miracles happen. One moment I felt like I wanted to just lie there and don't get up, before I knew it, the next thing I was doing was cheering for the SOT graduates and singing praise.

It's a resurrection. Not of the physical nature, but a spiritual one...And one thing that struck me again and again, like the hammer knocking against the bell to create that incessant ringing sound in a fire alarm, was this sentence:

"Be faithful in the small things. Be grateful for the small things."


How true that was.

It wasn't that cell group wasn't good. The feeling of heaviness was just too...heavy. Things weighing on my mind, literally. There was this time where I thought I simply wasn't feeling it enough.

Until the arrival at church. Until the small bits and pieces of conversations I keep having with friends on the way. The bits and pieces of conversation I had with friends in church, and the joyous atmosphere due to the impending graduation of students from Bible school.

All these were small things. Seemingly unnoticeable most of the time, but its all these small little things that built up. It's not a big event in church or a big celebration that returned me from the dead, but rather all these small things.

And I wonder: Perhaps I've neglected these small things. Neglected noticing them. Neglected appreciating them. Neglected practising them. And in the process, somehow I felt like I've lost it all, after a few bigger things appeared to consolidate all of these into one or two big, fat issues.

Perhaps we all have.

Small things like talking to friends, having a simple meal with them, giving a word of encouragement, giving just that few minutes of time to reply to them and to meet that need of wanting to be listened to...It goes a long way.

Which is why I'm really, really thankful to all the friends who have spoken to me, encouraged me, cheered me up. Offered to help.

You guys and gals all rock.

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Watching the SOT graduates up there inspired me greatly.

It's been a desire, one that I kept on the back burner for some time, to be up there as well. To be throwing not one, but hopefully two mortar boards in 2011.

Especially the winner of the most courageous graduate, who had to go through many different trials and difficulties, yet managed to persevere and graduate smoothly.

Guess what? He's an old gentleman who looked to be about 70+ years of age!

It amazes me, and I couldn't help but ask: When such a man, so advanced in age managed to pass through trials (probably tonnes bigger than a teenager's or a young adult's), what are we doing with our problems? What are we doing with our time and energy that we can spend in bettering ourselves by enrolling into SOT?

Yes, he's more experienced in life and yes, he has more time to attend SOT. Those are the common arguments used, things that will eventually sound like excuses. Those which are NOT excuses, of course, are work commitments that take up much of your time. For example, a new employee of any company or institution, especially teachers, can't just take six months of leave or have an excuse to attend Bible school like that. Maybe family commitments, and maybe your own level of faith that time spent there will ultimately be a great thing for you and a manner in which to glorify the King.

By the way, 'see how bah' isn't a valid excuse either. I tried that myself on different things, and end up defaulting on them all the time (A.KA procrastinate). Three simple words, but almost equally powerful as those three words that could make your life a *bit* more rosy at a certain stage of your young adult life.

And that's how I thought of it. Maybe it's time to make good that promise to the King. Time to pray and fast again. Just to confirm, y'know?

Who knows...Maybe instead of being the mediocre, nondescript student, I might actually be grateful to the King for every small little thing I did for others, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to Man.

---------------------------

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 68: Of Two-Way Doors and Mistakes

Doors are often made to be opened in one single direction - If one person pushes, the one on the other side has to pull to open it. The 'one' here can refer to anything - People, person, dreams...Whatever a person desires to achieve or receive.

Yet more often than not, certain doors don't work like that, and there are many times where you thought it was fine and good to pull/push on that door, only to find it that for some particular reason, the other side adamantly doesn't want you to open it, when there have been times where you were able (or in some cases, allowed) to open it and interact with the person on the other side.

That's the problem with these doors. They don't have peepholes, make the whole place sound-proof and are impossible to break down without certain unsavory consequences arising (only in a few rare cases do they turn out for the good, if I may add). You can't see through them - and we aren't supposed to, anyway - and have no idea what's going on on the other side. No sound, nothing.

All you have is the notion that you could still be allowed to open the door, perhaps send some letters through a postbox built into the wall next to the entrance, and when you tried, it seems that something else had happened. The door suddenly becomes shut. You can't interact with the person on the other side. Even the return letters stop coming back. You knock. Where there used to be even the slightest bit of reply during times like these, suddenly nothing returns. At best, a half-hearted one wriggles out to your ears.

Then you wonder why. What did you do? What happened? Was the other side angry at something you did - or worse still, did not do? Was the other side facing some problems and troubles of their own?

The first impulse is to knock again repeatedly. Show concern. Offer aid, if needed. To your consternation and perplexity, the other doors to other people remain wide open, while yours remain shut, and the natural tendency of any human is to start believing that "It's my fault. It has to be."

And perhaps some of it is indeed one's own fault, even if you have no idea what you did. No one tells you, either due to the lack of knowledge or concern. The other side probably does know, but what good is it if they don't want to tell you?


Maybe you've knocked too many times and became an intruder instead of the guest you've always been. Maybe the door's been open too many times for you, that the other side decided to destroy the temptation to let you in more by completely shutting you out. Maybe the other side thinks you're getting too close for comfort, be it personal and private space or something that the other side doesn't want to make known to you. The worse possibility is, of course, that other people at the other doors might have something to do with why your door is shut.

"Insecure!" They shake their fingers at you accusingly. "What a dork." The female scorn is apparent. "No one likes pushy people." Others reasoned. "What a loser." The Popular Opinion voice scoffs. "The other side doesn't care about you one bit. Just give up, fool." The malice is full in this one.

So many voices, so many thoughts stampeding through your head. So much chaos inside that you can't wait to tear or break something apart, scream and shout, pummel the wall until either it breaks or your fists do and weep your heart out till you run out of tears.

But through that cacophony, only one voice matters.

The one that led then guided you here.

The one that reassured you that everything is going to be fine.

The one that brings calm to you, filling your soul down to its very depths with surreality and hope.

The one that ensures anything said against you, any lies, any deceit or discord sown against you will be uprooted and things will be brought to light.

The one that slowly makes you reflect and prise your fingers away from the doorknob.

The one that asks you to step back, allowing breathing space for yourself and for the other side before trying again.

The one that urges you: "Don't give up!"

One voice, that covers your mistakes and strengthens you.

One voice, that guides you along the turning point when you don't know what to do.

One voice, that still continues to show you the hammer of hope despite the darkest uncertainties that arise in your heart, smashing the ominous weeds that threatened the flower of your dreams.

One voice.

Follow it.

And things will definitely, definitely turn out all right.

Besides, some of the other people can help you too, especially if they are nearly as encouraging as the one voice you hear.

그것은 괜찮을거야.


それは大丈夫になるだろう.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 67: The Whole Package

"Lousy" doesn't even begin to cut it.

What a way to start a week...Unable to concentrate, unable to focus, didn't manage to stick to my game plan to finish off the stuff I needed to do. I'm going to be in for more sleepless nights. 

The nightmares didn't help either. Most of them were subtle, of course, making me wonder why the hell did I suppress the good dreams I had been having, thinking that it would be leading me down the wrong path. Well, instead of the wrong path, now it feels like I've taken a detour on a endless pavement of thorns. 

Only thing I can do now is pray. Ask, seek, knock. Make do with some action, stay confident and strong, and get a balance.

----------------------------------

At times like this, you realise that things always come in a whole package. 

Take for example, university education. It holds the promise of a better future once you do well. It seems to encourage greater freedom, that students have to print their own notes, choose their own majors and modules, set their own timeslots for lectures and tutorials. It promises greater variety of everything - subjects you wanted to learn but could never during your JC (Junior College) or Poly (Polytechnic) days, CCAs you've ALWAYS wanted to take (i.e. Kendo, Ballroom dancing) but never had the chance to learn, responsibilities you've never dreamed of taking up (mini-events management and planning). You get the time you need to prepare your tutorials in advance. You can arrange the time such that you can even hang out with friends on free days (a novelty for secondary school and JC students), get down to a chic bar or the hip club in town , making merry and having fun. 

However, at the same time, you are faced with other concerns. You get modules that take up chunks of your time. You chose something wrongly and although you started out with interest in the subject, gradually it fades because you can't keep up. You're constantly bombarded by conversations that compared 'my B+' to 'his A-'. There are more cliques, and you're not sure you can fit into anywhere. People who had the freedom of choice to choose CCAs chose the 'Go-Home Club', but some regret not joining other more wholesome activities as they now find their lack of social skills a terrible challenge in getting a job or chasing a girl. Others still, face financial difficulties due to hefty school fees, and literally throw away everything else in order to make ends' meet while trying to get a good score. The additional freedom also proves a distraction, resulting in faltering results.

It's a whole package, like it or not...A surprise one at that. Some people just receive a greater portion of the negative side of things, while others have the fortune to receive the better part. 

That goes for love as well. 

For some, the thrill of the chase. Knowing that you're pursuing her, touching her life in little ways, then in bigger ones. Getting to know him/her, knowing the fun parts (likes/dislikes, favorite things), being able to talk with them freely and openly with the ever-so present teasing and flirting we associate with young love. interacting with friends around them, having them tease you and him/her about it. Things look rosy. Life feels rosy.

On the other hand, we have the unfortunate group who get nothing in return. They are spurned time after time, either because of their lack of social skills or their deficiencies in the looks, charisma and financial department. Even with the 'heart', they find it difficult. Sometimes they are ignored, even shunned when they haven't done anything wrong - or rather, haven't been told what they did wrong. Some go through bouts of jealousy watching the guy/girl talk with someone else happily. Some get depressed when the person they have been hoping to get into a serious relationship with end up with someone else. 

Two spectrums. 

Even church is the same. You get touched by the message and presence of the King, get saved, get filled with the Helper, receive promises, see a positive change in you, get surrounded by great friends who seem always to look out and care for you. Every day with them is a great day. Every time you go to church you feel wonderful. You feel revitalised from a tiring week, from the irritating subordinate you find peace and forgiveness for him/her. You get encouraged and feel like you can take on anything again for a few more weeks.

But there's the setbacks. There's the uncertainty that you are really a child of the King, that He has really promised you 'this' and 'that'. You feel down and out at times, sometimes unable to hear His voice at all and wonder whether He has given up on you. Even in such a wonderful environment, you forget that people are imperfect. There are those who hurt you, unintentionally and otherwise, and you feel lost, betrayed and filled with despair. Sometimes no one speaks to you. Sometimes you feel people just don't like you for some reason you cannot fathom, because no one has told you why, least of all the people who shun you in the first place.

All in a whole package. 

As always, some receive the negative side of things, while others simply enjoy the better side of it most of the time. The one constant that is certain is that everyone goes through the bad and the good times. You might have been terribly emotionally scarred in the past due to constant bullying and comparisons. Guess what? She had her own problems with past relationships and betrayal from friends. He might have killed someone by accident and is constantly plagued by guilt. Guess what? She is a single mother of three who once had two abortions and had to go through the pain of letting her own children die. 

The whole package.

School. Love. Life. God knows how many more other things comes in whole packages. Probably everything else in this life. 

So many times I just wanted more good things to come. Studies to be better. Discipline to be well-built smoothly. The path towards forging good, strong and loving relationships with people around me a golden road. Life a little less of  a struggle.

But there's always the thing about good and bad....Perhaps while you and I suffer now and keep trekking through nearly impassable jungles filled with monstrous denizens and deadly traps, we might just be walking on the beautiful fields of flowers after that once we learn how to deal with all the crap life has to throw at us.

I....really hope for that.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 66: What the Heck.

Fruitless cause?

Feels like. Hopefully it's just a misinterpretation of things, stemming from the fact that all the ugliness I'm seeing right now are things I have to deal with.

But more often than not, doubt sets in. Should I climb over this wall? Should I ram it down? Should I wait until it erodes? Should I build a door into it?

On the other hand, peace also sets in. It's alright to wish for it, to pray for it. It's perfectly fine to keep trying. One day, you never know....It might just happen exactly as I hoped it would. For once.

Keep having this dilemma of trying, but thinking that I might be trying too hard, or that if I don't try hard enough, things won't happen...Or worst still, go in the opposite direction, whatever that means.

Yet whenever I doubt, whenever I thought of giving up, whenever I thought "Hey, maybe you're just wasting your time, effort, resources. These signs tell you all you need to know. Back off. Stop trying. Give up.", A still, small voice stops me. A simple, sentence, a simple prod. So gentle, so soothing that I didn't even realise it spoke to me until I thought back about the reason why I suddenly felt optimistic again.

"Don't give up." "Keep going." "Keep believing, keep hoping."

Was that what it feels like to be listening to the King? To actually hear something so simple, yet feel so edified, so encouraged then even the most charismatic inspirational speakers urging you on in a loud voice could never bring that sort of uplifting mood to you.

Perhaps it was. I'm inclined to believe it, because it was the same voice, using the same tone, the same gentleness that told me things that came to pass. Eventually. Took a pretty long time, but in the end it worked out well.

It feels like I really need to be more earnest. Not just in seeking the King, but also be more earnest in my own requests. It always felt like I was asking too much, that asking for 'this' or 'that' was inappropriate, no matter how much I wanted it or felt like it would do others and/or me good.

But He didn't give me a spirit of fear, least of all in asking of Him about certain things that did not compromise my values, morals or my faith.

"Ask, and you shall receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."

One thing to note about all three actions: They were all PROACTIVE. 


And I'll bet He didn't say 'ask in a timid voice' or 'seek without really believing you will find it' or 'knock softly so you won't be disturbing'.

I realised, to my utter consternation and horror, that I have been doing that.

Maybe that's why 'this' won't come. Maybe that's why 'that' seems fraught with challenges. Maybe that's why 'That' seems hopeless.

I didn't ask with boldness. I didn't seek with confidence. I didn't knock believing the door would really be open.

And because of that, I ended up feeling like an idiot, wondering if I could have done better earlier, thinking that maybe I'm just.....bound to be faced with....wall after wall (which again, is hopefully a misinterpretation of things on my part).

Now that's settled, the thing is...How am I going to go about doing this? Working out a balance? Ensuring my life's progressing while all my other....desires are progressing as well? Improving myself to prepare for all the things that are being prepared for me while living out a fulfilling and enjoyable life?

To be honest, I don't know. It's been a tumultuous week for me, frankly speaking, and the end of the week has been filled with a good up and a lousy down as well.

I really don't know what to do, or how to go about on trying continuously to break down/climb over/make a door in the walls.

But I intend to find out.

And I intend to get help to find out.

Chronicles of Iridescence: Impatient Uneasiness

I hope you understand.

Before all else, I hope you understand.

Some things shouldn't be voiced out or declared. Things like "I'm pissed!" when someone accidentally and jokingly makes a crude comment about your way of dressing, or saying "I'm sad...Gimme a hug, please?" when you're in the doldrums. Why?

Norms. Societal norms, meant to keep our decadent selves in check, have turned out to be a double-edged sword. We start adding other deviant behavior or actions into the list of things that cannot or should not be done because it apparently makes us look weaker, more vulnerable and supposedly less accomodating.

I hate this conundrum. This confusing and overly challenging puzzle of the outward manifestation of our inner feelings. When should we hold things in check? When should we show that we are really down and burst out crying? Can we ever always display a true form of happiness and actually let people understand that no matter what was visually and audibly perceived, we were truly happy just to be with them? Just to talk? Just to spend time with them?

On days like these, I just wished the world would end as it is sometimes. No more sadness, no more pain, no more happiness nor fleeting sweet joys that permeate your heart for those precious moments, only to have it taken away from you as quickly as it came.

Or maybe I'm just tired again. Tired of trying, but never really seeing any progress. Tired of guessing, and second-guessing myself. Physically tired from school, even though it just started.

Should I talk about how hard I've tried, before some good advice comes in? No...As the norm persists, doing so would constitute as 'whining' or 'complaining'.

Pointless. Meaningless. Useless.

Yet all I can do is watch and listen, wondering if I had done something wrong again, or if people simply just don't want to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm just meant to be someone that no one wants to have much to do with.

And if that weren't so....Give me a reason. Don't just tell me I'm 'thinking too much' or I 'just have to be more confident in myself'. Tell me the reason. Tell me how, for I don't know why or how.

----------------

And if that weren't so, when will it come?

The confidence, the influence, the charisma, and most importantly, the opportunity to shine for the King? The chance to have fun in a good relationship (while I'm still younger) where I actually know what I'm doing? The time to have fun with friends, and in the process enjoying myself as well?

I hope you understand.

Is there a way I can finally be strong enough to help others? Maybe I'm still not trying hard enough...But if I start going at it, people tell me to relax and take it easy.

For how long....

For how long...?

I can't wait for things to happen, really, even though I know that there are many things that I can only wait for. When can I glorify the King in my studies? When can I have fun while staying true to myself and yet adhere to the Word? When can I have happy relationships with family, friends and people I really care about?

So...dry, so fruitless, this life...

Oh, how I long for strength and wisdom! How I long for opportunity! How I long for success when I put action into ideas!

How I long for that voice to tell me once again "Well done", or "I'm here to comfort you" or "Worry not, for they shall come to pass."

I shall still dare to hope, however. That somehow, somewhere, even though I'm dragging my entire being along right now, that being on the verge of throwing in the towel, about to give up completely, that the King is still willing to forgive, comfort and bless me.

The only question I have left is this....

"Is even the smallest happiness too much to ask for...?"

Chronicles of Iridescence: Someday

Someday, this nightmare will end.

Someday, the dreams I've been seeking will return.

Someday, this darkness will fade.

Someday, the sun I seek will blaze a trail of fiery passion and hope into my heart.

Someday, this insecurity will die.

Someday, the confidence will rise above the body and mind that houses it.

Someday, this sadness will cease.

Someday, the happiness will abound like never before.

Someday, this uncertainty will flee.

Someday, the sureness of my emotions will bear fruit.

Someday, this fog will dissipate.

Someday, the promises will come to pass and be clear as day.

Someday, this nightmare will end.

And someday, my dreams will reappear in its fullness and come true.

Surely, surely....

Chronicles of Iridescence: Decisions

It suddenly feels like that there are some things that I can't work too hard for.

A heavy feeling, an encouraging sermon, being pushed to face the same giant(s) in my life time and again and meaningful discussions got me thinking that perhaps I've been trying too hard. Or maybe I just take things too seriously or literally.

Not for the first time I wondered if I was being diligent in something that could possibly turn out to be fruitless.

But it's also not for the first time that I thought my King still can make it come to pass.

Even when we have lost faith, He remains faithful. Even when we forget, He remembers. Even when we are on the verge of giving up and throwing it away, He picks it up and grants it to us.

It just so happens that it's the first time there's something so specific, that I wonder if it was alright to ask for something like this. The persistence complements this to a point where even I feel shocked - It wouldn't normally be possible for me to actually start taking any initiative at all and to actively start changing for the better.

Is that a positive thing, I wonder? Change is the only thing that's constant in this world, but is this necessary good for me right now? After all, I could be changing just to realise that everything I've strived for turns out to be something that turns another way and I could possibly be left standing alone, regretting about should have's and desperately wondering about the purpose of all these trials I've went through just to face the ultimate, literally unbreakable wall of....something.

But now I think it doesn't hurt to be a little more positive. Positive, but not delusional. Hearing in the discussion about visions with my brother about being 'prepared to lose what you asked for' set my mind into hyper-drive mode despite the fatigue and heaviness I've been feeling. Things might turn out to be not what I want, but conversely, it could also turn out the way I want it to be (all the better when my King's will fits with my desire, of course).

So what's the point of being so pessimistic and thinking so much about it? No point. None at all. I rather be happy and think of the possibility of the things happening in due time.

No point worrying about possible obstacles. No point being too serious about things others aren't even serious about. No point scrunching up that face and emitting the noxious fumes of consternation and anxiety.

Rather than being weigh down by the heaviness, why not train yourself up to lift the weights like a champion?

In a sense, I'm kinda giving up, yet not totally giving it/them up. Perhaps its just like the last time, where I felt like giving up and not doing anything, that things start to change a little for the better. It's true that sometimes the King moves only when we act, but it's also true that there are moments where you just have to lift it up to him as a gift befitting of His regal and majestic, yet loving and sensitive being.

Perhaps this is the time again. A second stage, yet a similar act with a different, greater degree of sacrifice. I don't really know, but I'm still willing to keep believing things will come to pass, whatever they are.

Want to know what's going on? Only in the process of getting to know me and me getting to know you will you receive a more direct answer (I no longer advocate in one-way asking and one-way answering. Can we reciprocate the concern and care please? =) )

Otherwise, keep guessing. =P

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More actions as follow-up to come.

This time, I have a better plan and definitely better discipline (however minute the increment might be) to carry them out.

Watch me. I'm going to succeed and I'm going to do it.

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Again, yet another decision to make.

I certainly don't want some things to...let's just say, 'occur'. But when I think about it, I wonder if I'm being selfish for wanting to do something according to my own desire, even if it seems ultimately good. Would it be a bother to others? Is it in line with one - or rather, two of my more important wishes right now? Or am I just being insecure and showing a lack of faith?

No idea. None yet.

Gotta ask for advice. Talk it out not only with my King, but also with the people close to me.

-----------------------------

Conclusion? Give up the hard work for now, but not giving it up totally.

But first, I need to confirm the edict my King has given to me again.

Lamenting Iridescence: Imperfect

After accumulating weeks of thinking and re-thinking, I finally decided to sort out the messy pile of thoughts, sifting through as fast as I can. It was a difficult decision to type out such a 'type' of my Iridescence, but one way or another it had to come.

So I thought: 'Why not now? There was something I could write about, anyway.'

Lamenting, as per Google dictionary, is the act of 'mourning' or 'expressing regret or disappointment over something unreasonable, unsatisfactory or unfair'. The noun makes it even more interesting by considering it as a 'passionate expression of grief or sorrow'. Perhaps that's why the book of Lamentations in the Old Testament was written in such a way.

Moving past that, it's easy to play with the words to say I'm not complaining, but in actual fact, lamenting something isn't exactly always a complaint. Sometimes it really is true, and what you're doing is voicing out your displeasure and disappointment and often involves stronger emotions complaints don't have which obviously makes them less convincing, less savory and unfortunately, less poetic.

What am I lamenting about for the first time? To get straight to the point, I'm lamenting about the imperfections we have as humans.

I was in the shower after I got back, trudging along the familiar, dreary route back home, dragging my feet and letting the headache pound away at my head mercilessly with the club of pain. It was right after the water stopped for a while did I realise how....imperfect we are.

Why were we so foolish? Why were we so unrepentant? Why, time after time, do we always repeat the same mistakes despite knowing that doing so would result in something terrible, even something we would regret? Why do we, time after time, fail to believe in God despite him coming true for us time and time again? Why are we ignorant of others who aren't part of the group? Why do we always have to wait for things to happen before we do something about it? Why do we always suspect one another of wrongdoing? Why do we judge? Why do we always feel jealous about some things despite the reassurances of the Most High?

Why? Why? Why?

The ultimate 'why' would be to ask why we were programmed like this, but that's a question for a debate of a more theological nature.


But rather than just lamenting on humanity as a whole at the beginning, it has to start from self. Looking back after experiencing some mishaps and fortuitous events, some lows and highs, it feels like I could have done something more to make things better for others.

Of course I understand I'm not superhuman, nor am I omnipotent, but to be blind to the suffering of others just because I did not ask, just because I procrastinated, even if it was just a little, it felt like things went the wrong way.

It felt like I could have done more. It felt like I could have been stronger not to feel such negative and poisonous emotions that could theoretically set me against people I knew. It felt like if I had done something to strengthen the bonds, if I had done something to change myself so that I can be more enjoyable, I would have been able to help others more. I would not need to suffer from emotions that make me dubious about certain things, but instead move on in greater confidence.

Why am I so imperfect? Why are we all so imperfect?

The answer, of course, is because we were made so. There was only one man who was ever perfect, and he has died and came back to life, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father. (Ladies, there's your perfect man. Go get him - IF you can). 

I don't know where this feeling came from, but somehow I just want to become more and more like that perfect man. The one who succeeded where Adam failed. His attitudes, his beliefs, his personality, his character, his power, his compassion, his love - All these things...The more I think about it, the more I want to be like him.

Therein lies yet another fallacy of the indomitable yet ironically fragile human spirit - To always be filled with hope one moment and be completely devoid of it the next. To declare of one's own aspirations and ambitions with gusto and enthusiasm, only to have the light of passion fade from one's eyes and the energy sapped from one's limbs, becoming nothing but empty husks of 'what could have been' s.

And sometimes we do cheer when we abase AND abound. We praise the Lord because He gives and he has taken from us. Sometimes. At others, we simply cry out to Him, seeking an answer, even throwing tantrums because we can't hear from Him. Sometimes we simply calm down, weeping, but clinging on as hard as we could.

But what is this inconsistent behavior?

To be honest, I dislike inconsistent behavior. Not the person or people who exhibit it and presumably display it to you per se, but the behavior itself (Because I myself and some people I care about are seemingly inconsistent doesn't mean I hate myself and them).

Still, let's face it - No one's perfect. I'm not, neither are you...And I'm not looking for a perfect person either. The main point is, the lamentation here isn't about others, but mainly myself.

What can I do to get myself closer to the one who saved our asses and allowed grace to flow freely? What can I do to be more enjoyable and to enjoy life, as well as to help other people out before its sometimes too late?

I pray that I can find the answer somehow....though most of the time, such blessing comes unexpected.

Which is fine. I love surprises, but I don't particularly like suspense when I'm in the centre of it.

Yet another imperfection there.

Oh well...Time to do something 'drastic'. Been quite a while too.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 62: Return

Back to school. Quite a few interesting changes. It did feel kinda weird somehow still, like you've just returned to your second home after a really long time. Or maybe it's just because I was feeling ill and am looking at things from a new perspective...literally, due to my surgery. Heh.

Classes were fine, but to be honest, it could be better. Not many friends in the first two lectures of mine. Still, they sounded interesting and...abstract, especially the one that dealt with aesthetics. It looks like an interesting semester ahead, if a bit (UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT) busy.

But hey, I'm grateful still. Grateful for the fact that I've made friends who see me and greet me. Even more surprised and happy that a different outlook now means that I see more of such things rather than dwell on why no one calls me up for this and that. The only regret here, of course, is that I could have discovered this earlier, in the second semester of Year 1 or in Year 2 itself. Perhaps my results wouldn't have suffered so much. Perhaps I would have been able to talk to selected people easier, and have better relationships with them (I'm no Casanova, thank you). Perhaps I would have really enjoyed my campus life.

But it's better late than never, I guess. Even if I'm in what could most possibly be my last year of studying, unless I go for Masters.

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The nagging suspicion came back again, when I read two simple comments on the chatbox of a friend's blog.

It was...unsettling, to say the least. Immediately I saw cracks in that newly built dome of calm I constructed over my heart. It was expected, of course. Unlike real architecture, such buildings that are meant to protect, safeguard and strengthen sometimes ironically weaken easily. New ones, that is.

What if it were true? What if things aren't as rosy as it may seem (though it was already not extremely rosy from the start)? What if, I had not done enough with the time that I had with....that I had on my hands? What if I'm still not enjoyable or reliable or attractive enough as a man?

All those thoughts ran deep, I knew, because they have been flowing like rivers into a sea of doubt. Something which is slowly drying up, thankfully. But sometimes the rain of uncertainty falls, filling the place with that disgusting liquid which saps your confidence.

Disadvantaged from the very beginning. occasionally I wish again that I had been in church earlier. Known people earlier. Picked a profession earlier. Been on the same wavelength and job earlier. Became a confident person earlier. In terms of looks, capability, personality, even useful talent and time spent, it feels like I lose out utterly.

But that would feel like a competition already, wouldn't it? Which is exactly one of the things that caused all the emo crap to happen.

On the positive side, it's just a comment. It's just something seen from the perspective of someone who doesn't understand or know the situation completely. Maybe he's talking about something else. Maybe I'm just reverting shortly to the old worrywart I was before. Maybe it isn't what I think, that things might really, actually turn out in a really great way for once.

And I think I revealed too much. But basically, that's going to be it. Grab hold of those thoughts, give them a thorough thrashing, clap them in chains and throw them out of place. As I do that, God, which is the Sun in my heart, shall keep drying up that sea of doubt lying arrogantly in the open, all the while providing the light energy for the flower of faith to grow tall and strong and beautiful.

Hopefully this can serve as an encouragement in one way or another to the dear people who read my blog. I don't really care if you think I'm great in overcoming this, but if it can bless someone....That would be enough.

I believe. Therefore I shall be.

I believe. Therefore I can receive.

I believe.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 61: Fierce Vigilance in Peace

Singapore celebrates her 45th birthday today. Or rather, yesterday, seeing as it's past 12 midnight.

It was a momentous celebration - At least, I thought it should be, since the government always comes up with new things, new tricks, new gimmicks, new songs to entertain Singapore as well as to give her some nice gifts from the people she has nurtured one way or another. One very important thing kept nipping at my mind. The one thing that almost every single Singaporean and foreigner in Singapore would agree was a definite saving grace of our country.

Security.

Yes, there are crimes. Yes, it seems like there are a lot more than it used to be. More reports, greater focus on rising teenage crime rates, that sort of thing.

But one must not forget that Singapore is a small country, and the magnitude of one report, however small, can rival that of several dozen in a bigger country like the U.S.

Face it - Despite all our whining and complaining and bitching and scowling and critcising, we all know that it's because we have a much, much greater amount of safety in our country than other nations that we can actually find the time and energy to do all these, instead of implementing heavy security measures around our houses and banding people together to form vigilante corps to safeguard the neighbourhood. 

Likewise, I feel that there's an even greater need for vigilance on my side.

There's been....peace. At least, a relatively reasonable amount of peace in my life for a while. It almost feels as though the trials have stopped, or I have somehow overcome them without even realising it.

But I know, that is not so.

There's a famous saying here that my reservist CO has always mentioned at the start of his address to the battalion: "In times of peace, prepare for war." While there are certainly no soldiers raging around our borders, raiding and invading our HDB flats and making off with our discounted goods, the 'war' is simply a metaphor of a struggle between me and myself as well as me and other things.

So this peace I'm enjoying...It isn't permanent. And I'll be a fool to even consider taking it easy, because a new school semester is beginning - My second last.

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Many students often say a new school term fills them with trepidation - That is, something of a mixture of fear and exhilaration. Being a 3rd year, that feeling should have been long absent by now, but even before this it felt as though there was something I needed to fear.

That's right...my results. I wasn't the most hardworking student, nor the brainiest. Neither did I (and I probably never will) like sitting at a library table for six hours straight, doing nothing but studying, going to the washroom and chugging truckloads of coffee.

I needed something good. I needed to be a good finisher, because throughout my university life, the boredom was literally killing me. Sometimes the familiar faces you see can't even erase the seemingly permanent ink of loneliness drawn across the canvas of your life.

Failure to make friends. Reluctance to get involved in clubs. The inability to hold conversation or attention. Unable to get good grades. That contributed to a barren university life which should have been filled with fun, laughter, excitement and great memories.

Not that I don't have any, but I could probably count them on one hand.

Which is why all the more I needed to treasure the last few semesters I have in in campus. The last few laughs I will have with many people, the last few projects I'll be doing, the last few tears we might shed with each other....That kind of thing.

In a full circle, this simply means that I can't afford to slack off too much now. There's too much at stake - my studies, and my personal battles.

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Again, feeling that odd feeling. I hesitate to christen it with a name or stamp it with a definition, because I fear that doing so would throw my emotions into turmoil. The boundaries between this emotion and that would become blurry, and that itself is a dangerous thing.

There are a few problems, of course. The seeming hopelessness of the situation, the season that seemed inappropriate for the examination of such emotions as well as the desire to wait for the Lord's instruction about this. After all, He is probably responsible for allowing such things to come, and they are not exactly malicious - if perhaps misleading - little faeries that sprinkle you with a little magic dust then force you to do whatever they want with you.

The good thing is, this supposed 'hopelessness' isn't so hopeless to me at this point in time.

It felt really weird, but somewhat good at the same time, that I could look at this with a calmer attitude than before. Gone was the angst and exceedingly emotional behavior, hopefully for good. There was actually significant improvement, after all, as compared to when the seed was first sown. There's perhaps a bud here, a tiny flower there. It takes long, but when I look to the Lord about this, it is then I shall not wait in vain.

Secondly, the suppression of these emotions are having an opposite effect. There more I force it down, the more they surface. Thing is, when they do surface, I don't feel the insatiable urge to allow my imagination to roam wild and freely. There was definitely a greater degree of control. Instead, it feels like I could dream about these things, yet not be terribly affected by them....As long as I have hope in my heart.

And lastly, the Lord's instruction. The Lord's vision. The Lord's promise. All are things that I've been waiting and praying for. But more than that, in this time of peace, I require a fierce vigilance of the domain of my own heart and soul to remind me that He is the one I'm looking to, not his blessings. 

And even as I'm troubled by issues faced by friends as well as myself, my God is with me.

Remember the story of Footprints on the Sand? Well, perhaps this is the time I'm still walking on the beach with Him, but there will come a time where there will only be one set of footprints.

The footprints of the King who carried and will continue to carry me.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 60: Useful talents, useless talents

Ever wondered if you were talented?

Probably, of course. Everyone's talented one way or another. There's no one that is absolutely talentless.

Now, after discovering it, ever wondered if it's useful at all?

I have.

In the context of art-based talents, it might seem useless right now, especially in a result-oriented society. Scientists, teachers, economists, bankers...Most of them feel like as though they were 'churned' out. Follow these rules to get to point A, where A is (Success or Security or Wealth) squared.

Lots of people are going the Calling route, though, which is good too. But they are still being churned out in a sense, because they go through the same kind of conditioning as those who have absolutely no idea where they are headed, but will just stumble to wherever they can find the SSW mentioned above.

Hey, I might even be one of them.

In that sense, sometimes it might seem useless, these talents.

You have the talent to play football. "But you're a student! Studies guarantee your future!"

You have the awesome talent to play the guitar. "Why waste time on things that cannot give you success or security? How you have children liddat?"

You have the amazing ability to surf. "Aside from getting the chicks with those washboard abs, what's it good for, man?"

You have the talent to write stories. "What? And face rejection? Be real lah. Stick with the syllabus, do what it wants and you'll be fine. Write what story?"

One of the writer's worst fears is that no one wants to read what they wrote, as well as the ever ominous R word faced by a hopeful, average guy attempts to ask the prom queen out on a family picnic outing.

In fact, one of the worst enemies of talent nurturing and development are the voices of unbelief, both inside and outside. You have voices in your head telling you you can't make it, or you have the voices of others telling you to 'get real', those keen little tongues honed to near perfection by the sharpening wheel of a society's culture and regulations, going round and round, making things run like a vicious cycle. 

The scary thing about that is it can turn a hopeful into someone totally disillusioned by what society has 'called' him to do, and become one of those who bring others to be 'honed' and 'sharpened'. 

It's not entirely horrible, though, and neither is society the only one at fault. Ultimately our actions bring about the exodus in our lives, which are then influenced by our thoughts. Sadly, most of us are easily affected by what the environment dictates us to do. "Everyone's doing this, so let's do this." 

"Everyone's not doing that, so-hey wait, I'm good at that!" 
"Are you really?"
"Yes I am!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah!"
"Really, really sure?"
"Err...Yeah."
"Okay, we'll leave you behind then."
"Hey...Hey! Wait! I'll follow!"

I digress, but sometimes it feels like certain talents aren't really needed. Who needs a writer in their midst? What can he do? Pull out a pen and brandish it before the armed robber, proclaiming that "The pen is mightier than the sword!"? When you need a musician, do you require someone to write a story out of it so that music can flow from the instruments? When there are sick people, do you require the flowing juices of creativity to cure him or medication and advice from a doctor?

Of course, these scenarios might be for naught, because most people are multi-talented nowadays. They can sing, they can dance, write music, play a thousand and one instruments and burp non-stop for three minutes. What then, happens to those with one specific talent? Are they to become one-trick ponies, to be commended but never taken seriously?

Perhaps I just haven't met the right kind of people. Perhaps I'm just letting circumstances drag me down, but when I told a friend about my aspiration of writing a book and that she'll be 'watching me', it set my mind into motion: Why haven't I started anything at all, despite having so many ideas, so many concepts, so much time previously?

Self. Society. And the debilitating injury of fear that cripples oneself at every step of the way, especially if you try to pursue your dreams.

But just knowing that some people are following you and have raised concern over your progress...It makes me feel motivated. At least, more than I've felt in a long time. When someone doesn't forget your dreams and your desires and constantly checks up on you, it becomes a bright light in the shady world of disbelief, with its luminescence accentuated all the more by apathy and false impressions.

So...Maybe I should start trying to be that light today. Not just for myself or for that person, but to show how much God can change a person to care for others.

It's better to give than to receive, hey? Besides, when I give, the same measure will be given back onto me, pressed down, shaken together and running over in my bosom...As long as I have the right attitude, because ultimately it's to benefit the other person.

Hopefully I'll be able to run on longer myself, with the encouragement I've received. For dreams, for love, for hope, for the glory of God.

Time to sleep!

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 59: Yes be Yes, No be No...?

That's supposed to be the way.

And it was only yesterday that I thought that was just about right. I could just about believe in that.

But suddenly an overwhelming wave of torpidity came over me like a mighty tsunami, washing away the things I have set up. Or things I've believed in, especially when things aren't happening right away.

Never thought those hopes could be so easily beaten up. I need stronger protection from the Word, I guess. After all, so many of the bible heroes had gone through their storms and periods of utter disbelief and situations that seemed totally hopeless.

Gideon, for one. Moses, another. Elijah, Joseph, David...Abraham, the father of the nations, is yet another prime example. They were all different people, of course. Known for different things. Given different gifts. Done different things. Had different achievements, led different lives. But all had one thing in common.

They were always against the odds.

Rather, they were always pitted against the odds, and they overcame. All believed in the end.

And there probably were times where they could not feel God. Hear from Him, see the dreams and visions he could give to them, all the while where there were voices, human or no, taunting them constantly.

"You're never going to make it." "It's too big, give it up man." "God's lying to you! If that was truly such a good thing, why hasn't He given you that? Why haven't you seen substantial progress at all?" "You're just lying to yourself, talentless, tongueless bastard."

As it is written, Elijah was a man just like any other. so was David. I'm willing to think that they faced tonnes of things like these many, many times. It's amazing how they were able to do so many things just like that, despite being normal, being average. Yet, there was something they had in them that allowed things to work through them which makes it all the more astounding.

The power to believe.

It's a tricky thing, this...Because there's been a sustained period of strong belief, I had forgotten to think about whether my 'Yes' could actually be a 'No' or vice versa. Sometimes it feels like I have to take action, but if I do that the fragility of the situation will cause it to shatter, and I'll be left with nothing.

In a sense, I think I understand a little more of letting your 'Yes' be yes, and your 'No', no. Either you're in or you're out. However, understanding is one thing...Doing something to resolve it is another.

Sometimes I wish things were just so much simpler. You do this, you get that. You don't have ambitions that are too big for people. All you want is a simple life, the small little things. A nice, cosy family with a good wife and two happy kids, living in a modest apartment, living a good and simple but happy life. Simple does it...Don't have to think too much. Don't need to worry about flying all over the place because you're important, don't need to worry about church growth, don't need to worry too much about others as long as you had some part in helping them. Don't need to worry about providing for your spouse or your kids or your parents or your grandchildren, because they have hands and legs and can earn their own keep sooner or later.

Sorry, I'm rambling, but it just started to seem like that was one of the sources of my torpidity (tiredness, if you haven't checked it up). I start to think my dream was a little too big for others, and maybe even for myself. I start to think that my greatest desire, even though relatively small, could be too much to handle and too much to ask for, because it seems like I haven't moved a step and the surroundings haven't changed around me, though the same cannot be said for others.

Tired.

Just want to busk in God's presence now, lift and continue to commit everything up to Him.

Continue to believe, even with my faith flagging.

And praise Him no matter what.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 58: Mirror Image in Black

Ever wondered what it feels like to see yourself in your daily life from another POV?

I have. Just did, recently. Sometimes I wonder if it will be amusing, shocking. Whether there will be all those head-shaking, tsk tsk-ing and face-palming moments when you think to yourself 'what is this idiot doing?!?', then stop because you realise this idiot is yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be amused. Or disappointed. Or just....happy, satisfied for once.

And if it isn't one of those out of body experiences that has to do with death, maybe I can walk up and slap some sense into me.

Sounds weird, I know, but do get used to some of that.

It's really difficult to see oneself in true light, for more often than not we like to put on rose-tinted glasses to view our own lives.

But sometimes, especially for those who simply cannot stop condemning themselves because of one reason or the other, we need to take off those black shades we've been putting on, then get a proper pair of specs, get contacts (Acuvue's not bad, I heard) or do Lasik. Whatever works.

Don't get what I mean? Simple...We need to do something about it and stop thinking Black is the normal color for our world. It just isn't right...We were given senses to see more than one color - why limit ourselves to black?

Why limit ourselves to the dark, negative feelings? Why limit ourselves to only we can do? Why limit ourselves because we've never done this or that before? Why think that there's no hope, no light, when all you need to do is to pluck up your courage, muster your energy and pull off those shades?

There's a wonderful world out there. A bright one. A colorful one. A creative one. A limitless one.

And even as I speak, I myself need to start taking those shades off. Maybe then, I can see my mirror image smiling or grinning at me before fading away, knowing that his (or was it 'my'?) existence was no longer needed.

And maybe you can do that too, more so if you put them back on again due to disappointments, failures, or because of the world's view.

Take off those shades.

Dive in once again.

And enjoy the colorful happiness that awaits you (and me) in that world of infinite possibilities.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 57: Inexplicable Quandary

Can't explain this feeling.

At least, not fully. I just know it hurts at times, and it provides a rush of warmth that lasts in other instances. Bad and good times respectively, of course.

And as always, there's this quandary.

Should I do this? Should I have done that? Should I not have done that? If I didn't do it, would it have been better?

Questions, questions....These are the times where I wonder if my inquisitiveness is really something that's good.

But God didn't grant that trait to me for no reason. Maybe I just need to control it more and make sure it works out for the better.

Whatever the case, I guess what done is done. What has happened has happened. No one can change it and every decision made has its consequences, good or bad. Accompanied by the action, things can go from Heaven to Hell in a matter of minutes and (wonderfully) vice versa.

In the end, even if I'm the one that's hurt or see no blessing, at the very least, I know I've done all I can not to curse others...Even my (suspected) enemies/adversaries/rivals/opponents/(Insert synonym for 'rival' here).

Self-righteous? Maybe, in the eyes of those who don't understand. But I couldn't care less. Knowing you have done your best....That's enough.

Looking forward to a better day ahead, for past the rain there's always a beautiful rainbow, so colorful, full of happiness and blessing.

Waiting for me.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 56: Celebration and Love, Dreams and Nightmares

My church celebrated its 21st anniversary today with a bang, despite the troubles plaguing us at the moment.

In some way, I found it significant. When the church goes through a time of trial, so do the believers, whether it's based on what's happening to the church, or what's happening to the individual 'cells'. In other words, the cell groups and the people comprising of them. It's completely certain that I'm not the only one facing trials, and neither are you and you the only person.

When the body is sick, there's bound to be some part of it that isn't feeling well, and others that feel better. Just as it is night time for one doesn't mean it isn't day time for the other. Just as one is being challenged greatly doesn't mean the other isn't having their harvest time.

And just so you know, the 'Words of "Wisdom" ' I put here and on Facebook and Twitter? It is as much for others as it is for myself, though the source begins from yours truly. Ultimately, however, I thought it better to share some of these little thoughts if it could help you, or you, or you, even if it was just a little.

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As it is today, love is the theme of the celebration. It was really a pity that I could not attend the two services fully, but the atmosphere was so strong that it convinced me I made the right choice in deciding to go and serve.

Love was really in the air...Just not the kind that I wanted directly, or could feel with a dear one near me. It was love nonetheless, one that satisfies you and comforts you. One that chased away the blues and the nightmares and the madness you face day in, day out when things start popping up. When every day the worst case scenario plays over and over again in your head, taunting you, trying to lead you astray as best as they can, nurturing the rage that you never thought could be found in you. Nursing jealousy, envy, hurt, disappointment and every possible negative emotion you can think of.

But at that point in time, I felt lifted up. It felt like once I poured out my soul to God, the voices started fading away. The scenarios disappeared after persisting for a short while. The chest that hurt whenever I thought of the reasons why things might be turning out for the worse goes away.

As the sermon today in the second service mentioned, we need to commit these things up to God. And this kind of commitment isn't a one-off thing either. It needs to be made again and again, because the inevitability of dealing with such troubles is very real. But again, such trials were never meant to weaken us.

Even up till now, I believe that God is simply preparing me to be strong enough to take the blessing and promises He has in store for me. While it isn't wise to build up a storehouse for your own riches, one needs a storehouse nonetheless, else others would simply steal or take from you, whether intentionally or not.

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To tell the truth, no one really knows what I'm going through. No one can truly understand it either, which is why I purposely left out tonnes of details on what I'm going through at times, especially more so when the 'thing' looks even bleaker than it should be, considering it came from a 'credible source'.

Only God does. He knows it, and knows it well. How could He not, especially when He has shaped us in His own image and even knows how many strands of hair there are on your head?

So, ask away if you want. I'm truly grateful for the show of concern, but sometimes, if you can't understand it or if you don't get any straight answers, don't fret....Your feelings are more than enough, and you will know more in time to come when the sharing of it is not a burden, but a testimony of how God pulls me out of the driest valleys and the most hopeless, unlikely situations to bless me because of the faith and patience I will show and have shown.

God always keeps his promises, even if we don't feel that way sometimes.

He always does.

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Stagnation at this point doesn't mean nothing's ever going to change, and that all you hope, wished desired and prayed for won't ever come to you, and that it's going to someone else.

At the end, the person who perseveres despite the difficulties faced by him on his accord as well as the other partys' (parties') ultimately wins out, especially if you deign to exercise the 'Greatest of all' which endures forever.

Love for God. Love for others. Love for self (in adequate amount, of course).

And even though love usually involves reciprocity, there are some rare cases where it's one-sided for a period of time. This period can be short. It can be long. It can even seem like an eternity, but in the end it's Love that endures forever, greater even than Faith or Hope.

One day it's going to be reciprocated. One day it will come to pass. One day things will happen as you saw it in your dreams and visions.

I'm by no means attempting to shackle anyone, of course, even though I'm fully convinced that what is being shown and told is true. God wouldn't want that either, nor would anyone.

But until things really start happening, the dreams and visions stay a secret.

Someday, when I stand at the frontier of the fulfillment of the promise, perhaps I'll speak of it again.

Praise and Worship be unto the Lord, and commit thy troubles or desires up to Him, and he shall grant thee thy heart's desires.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 55: Genie in a Bottle

I heard this folk tale from somewhere before, just can't remember which country.

In short, the story is about a genie trapped inside a bottle, floating on a vast sea that could see no end. One day, he (or she, if you prefer Christina Aguilera) thought to himself: "If someone finds the bottle and rescues me, I'll definitely grant him all his heart's desires!"

He waited 300 years, and yet no one comes. Then, the genie thought again: "If someone finds the bottle and rescues me, I'll definitely grant him all his heart's desires! I'll give him endless riches and happiness he can only dream of!"

Yet another 300 years passed, and another 300. This time, the genie grew angry. "If the next person finds this bottle and opens it, I'll destroy him!"

A young fisherman finds the bottle soon after, and opens the bottle. The vengeful genie, of course, attempts to destroy him, but the fisherman tricks him and reseals him once again. He refuses to listen to the genie's pleas to let him out once more and casts him into the depths of the sea and it was never to be seen again. The End.

I don't think I'll be talking about the possible 'morals of the story' to anyone younger than me soon.

Rather than 'being careful about the unknown things', I rather pity the genie. More than that, I was mortified that I actually thought the genie deserved it when I first read the story.

Simply put, I have never experienced such a situation before. Or rather, I've never felt so intensely about the situation I had been in for 10 odd years. Anyone would know what I speak of if you look at Chapter 53, of course.

Why were there outbursts of anger now? Perhaps it's similar to the genie's situation. He got tired of waiting, and chose to blame the world, because he was in a situation where he could not do anything. Besides, 900 years is a really long time and even if his idea of a resolution was too drastic, it was understandable in some way.

So in conclusion, I apologize to all who have seen that uglier side of me. It's something I have to deal with and have been dealing with constantly. The realist would consider it a weak-minded, weak-willed person trying to be more 'normal'. The romanticist would probably consider this a 'desperate battle for your very own soul'. The one in between would simply call it 'overcoming the self'.

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And once again, I just thought: "Screw it. To hell with all those thoughts. Screw them all. I'm just going to do what I can and when I feel like it, as long as it doesn't compromise the moral standards."

Ever since becoming a Christian, I realised that I've been weakened severely in many areas. I feel more needy, now that my heart is opened up, needing friendship, needing someone who cares, and needing to care and love someone. I became less independent, knowing that there's a God who looks out for me. I became more rigid, more critical of myself even, and knowing that there were so many talented and greater people out there made me feel even smaller.

But becoming a Christian was great too. Being able to talk a little more freely to others, even strangers...Being able to stand up and recover from shocks and disappointments a little more quickly than usual. Being edified and feeling like there's some use for my existence. Being able to experience a little more blessing in life than usual, and the love of God...

But as said before, perhaps I've been too hung up on the 'standards' set, or the regulations. Being a perfectionist makes matters worse. Every little thing must be taken care of. Everything must be considered. Everyone must be considered before making a decision.

So now I say "Screw it."

Not that I no longer care, even though I want to (reciprocity in relationships, right? So by right I'm supposed to not care). But I think I really ought to stop caring so much. Maybe I need to be a bit more assertive, forceful...Even - God forbid this can ever happen - a little more merciless in dealing with people.

Stop being Mr. Nice Guy, because ultimately nice guys lose. Nice guys don't become leaders. Nice guys don't leave lasting impressions on others. Nice guys don't get the girl.

But first, I'm going to keep trying to overcome my fear of attempting to build relationships with other people, only to see rejection after rejection, apathy after apathy.

Then, after claiming victory over these things, can I build good relationships and fully receive the promises God has for me.