Thought

An idea, a concept or simply something that comes up in a person's mind.

An action of doing so.

Closely associated with assumption.

'I thought this was supposed to happen.' 'I thought that was suppose to occur.'

Sadly, I've fallen into that trap.

I thought I could do it.

Well, I probably still could, but it's been dozens of times since I failed.

I thought we were friends, or at least a little more comfortable with each other to show BASIC RESPECT/MANNERs.


But looks like it was wishful thinking. Again.

Really, is it just me?

I've been told several times that I'm actually more important than I thought I am. Encouraging, edifying words are always welcomed, of course, but words don't ever stop those kind of feelings and occurrences that have been prevalent for at least a dozen years, you know?

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No one wants others to assume who they are, what they are doing, what they are feeling etc.

So sometimes I find it strange that when one asks someone else, whether it is voiced out or kept in the heart, that they should never ever assume that they are feeling this way because it infringes on their rights and BASIC level of trust and RESPECT as a person/friend, they themselves, or rather, we ourselves do that.

We tell others to respect us and stop assuming, but we ourselves assume the worst of others.

We tell others to stop running, but we ourselves are the ones hiding and dodging.

We tell others that we hate people who don't respond, yet we ourselves ignore other people we know who come with the simplest of requests.

We warn others not to complain about us behind their backs and 'respect their/our boundaries', yet we dive into gossip without really caring how the person might feel about having his/her private issues brought to light.

We say, whether verbally or in our hearts, that other people should be sensitive to our needs and respect us, but we ourselves are insensitive.

We say that people should stop being so judgmental and look at the outside, but we ourselves look at the actions of others and immediately criticize and lump them as one category of people due to what society dictates.

I will not judge, of course, the attempts made by other people to change, because many probably have tried to change that way of thinking and they keep failing. How would I know? Simple...Those who have been in the situation should understand it better than most.

How much effort was put in, how much time was invested in it...Only the person him/herself knows, and that person gets extremely frustrated and angry when someone judges him or her because he/she has really, really tried their best.

Yet if you, You, yOu and yoU think that I am the hypocrite here, that I have no right to talk about this, look at your own actions before passing judgment.

Besides, I'm a normal human. If you don't like the way I air my grievances, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I prefer doing this than penting it all up or running away from the issue. 


At least, if someone sees this, they can call dibs on me, and I can reflect on my behavior if I ever do enact any of the unsavory examples I've listed out.

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That being said, things are clearing up, I think.

I won't do what was done to me, what is being done to me and what (hopefully not) might be done to me unto others.

Just because someone bashes me up doesn't mean I should go around bashing others up.

Just because someone ignores me blatantly doesn't mean I should do that to others.

Just because someone takes me for granted doesn't mean I should take others for granted.

A/N: Just for the matter, I prefer EVERYTHING to have been another stupid misunderstanding that is cleared up, which could definitely lead to improved relationships, greater sensitivity to others and greater degree of self-reflection.

Stupid behavior to have. After all, the Scripture dictates that we should 'do unto others what you want others to do unto you.'

And I believe I sow what I reap. If I ignore someone right now blatantly, other people who I might consider important in the future might do the same, even if they didn't know about this matter.

If I take someone for granted, other people who I might consider important in the future will take me for granted.

Don't know about you, You, yOu and yoU, but that's my take.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 80: Battle

What does it mean to be constantly battling several things at one go, every single one of them aimed at the weakest spots you are trying to strengthen?

It's like building a brick house. You pile some cement on each brick, made a wall, then some idiot comes by with his wrecking ball a-swinging, knocks it down and mocks at you for all he's worth. You do it again, and he comes back, smile benignly, and swings it again.

It feels like forever since the bricklayer has been picking up the pieces.

Or maybe I should hire a armed guard. Shoot the snot out of the crazed wrecker. Maybe I haven't been hard enough on him. Too soft, too soft...When there is war to be waged, let there be war.

Problem is, I don't have enough resources.

Or troops.

Or weapons.

What to do? Build more smithies. Construct more mines. Make more barracks and conscript more soldiers.

Sounds very fantasy game-ish, I know, but its all in the metaphor.

Get it? (I doubt you do, but I'll give you your favorite sweet treat if you even take the effort to guess...And something a little more expensive if you guess correctly. Haha)

More importantly, I think I need more bricklayers and a tighter schedule. Perhaps even training for them is in order. However simple the job might be, it's better if one gets retrained all over again to be more efficient, right?

-------------------------

War.

Conflict.

Misunderstandings.

I hate it. I hate them all.

Yet, when some things do really happen, perhaps the King allowed it for a specific reason.

It felt like He did, and turned some of those things the bricklayer has experienced from bad to good.

Here's hoping and believing that it's going to happen again.

-------------------

Can't help but wonder if certain underlying messages were placed there for me to read, see, and evaluate.

Which I will, of course...Especially if the source is trustworthy, credible and encouraging. 


But more than that, if the King's word and promise is in conflict with that, then....well, I will need to think about it all over again, won't I?


And with that, a disclaimer.

The previous blog post was not aimed at anyone in particular, but simply myself and a general group of others.

So if you are riled up and think I'm the judgmental one....Good!

Well, not good that you think I'm judgmental, because I wasn't trying to be that. It's good that you think it prickles you, because that means it definitely MEANS something to you.

And you should change. I know I was prickled by my own message, ironically.

A suggestion. No less, no more. Decision is up to you. Action is up to you.

To us.

Here's to hoping we'll all change for the better. To do more, to be more, to receive more.

Always.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 79: Care

What makes you think I don't?

Because that's the way you think I behave?

Don't assume, friend. Don't.

Just as I'm learning and managing on not assuming the worst out of others, don't assume people know what you're feeling.

Don't be sensitive only to your own needs and insensitive to others. 


Don't always assume you are right in everything, because everyone has their own flaws.

And when people attempt to correct you, instead of treating it as a 'breach of personal space, betrayal of trust and lack of respect', why not treat it as the fact that they care enough to want to see you change for the better?

Thing is, most of the time they don't get much out of it. They really don't. Asking someone else to change for the better takes courage. It risks the relationship. It goes through areas no one wants to touch or know about sometimes. It hurts.

Are you open to the advice of someone, or are you always coming up with excuses? Are you always taking others for granted just because they did not DISPLAY or SAY that they mind?

Am I like that too? Are we all like that?

I hope not....Because it is a fundamental belief of mine that everyone wants to change for the better, however little progress they have.

No matter how many times they fall and stumble, what's important is not discouragement. 


However judgmental we are, I think we should stop those thoughts before they start telling us that such people are hypocritical.

What do you know? What do I know? What do WE know?


Nothing....Unless that person - or even you and I - are willing to share it. Or unless we've been through a very similar situation. 


---------------------


Sometimes, we need to look back at the actions we did. 


True, what I did, or perhaps what he or she did was a breach of your personal space.


But what about your actions and words? Have you ever judged yourself like you did others? Have you ever thought back whether the questions you asked were similar in nature to those that were asked of you? 


Again, others treated it as something that was done out of care.


How about you? How about me? How about that young man sleeping on that chair reserved for the elderly on the MRT? 


One can say he/she has his/her own thresholds and they are different.

Does that mean others don't have any thresholds at all? Or that their efforts of returning the concern in the same way you did were rebuffed as though they seemed like a nuisance?

MAKE. IT. CLEAR.


No one is a mind-reader. Not everyone can read the signs you and I give to others all the time.


I don't know if this rings a chord with you. Or you, or you. It certainly did with me when I thought and prayed about it. 


And no, I'm not saying you must talk about it just with any Tom, Dick or Harry.


How about those people who you believe you can trust? 


How about the people who genuinely care?


How about your good friends and family?


---------------------------

is it difficult to change? Definitely.

But no effort is in vain, even if you stumble.

Because along the way, know that there are people who care. There are people who understand, and I dare hope that one of these people will be me. Or that person you once found a nuisance and a bore, but could surprisingly be reliable in things like these.

Most importantly, He is there, ever present.

And He will help you change.

He will help me change.

He will help us all change for the better.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 78: Tired

In so many senses.

The ominous signs are showing up to tell me about the conditions of my body, part of my mind that has yet to go through a thorough washing and part of the spirit.

I am tired.

The difference here though, is that while I've only ever thought about giving up during my previous spells of despair, there was one more thought.

This was a race....One that I might well liken to the long distances I've ran before.

I am tired.

No doubt about that, but I kept moving no matter how much it hurt, how tired I was.

Even with cramps acting up, I could still remember walking bit by bit rather than stopping. Limping when my ankle was half-twisted rather than sitting down.

So many times I remembered having to toil time and again just to achieve what I wanted to...Though most of the time I did not succeed.

"But so what?"

Thinking back, I marveled again at that spirit I had. When had it left me? Where did it go?

True, I had less worries, less responsibilities...Much, much less exposure - to my utter regret - to the world of socialising. But how could not a single shred of it be found somewhere within presently?

Still, it is encouraging to know that I remembered something that should have seemed so mundane, so boring (as many people would probably believe me to be), yet edifying at the same time.

I'm tired...But I'm still moving.

Fatigue is not equals to death.

Not for dreams, not for hopes, not for possibilities....definitely not for the spirit.

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Had a strange vision when I was eating dinner.

It came to me suddenly, like a wave of chaos, yet in the eye of the storm there was calm, though it felt no less horrible even with that feeling.

And I thought to myself...It can't be from Him, right? If it's something so terrible.

Yet it felt that not ALL visions gave you that fuzzy wuzzy feeling, that indescribable warmth I've been feeling when I prayed to Him about certain things that seem impossible.

It felt so real....Yet at the same time, it felt so impossible and such a terrible thing to behold.

Strangely, it felt to me as though that what happened in it...to me, was....worth it.

....Alright, let's stop there. Any more and I might be giving people second doubts about believing in Him.

At least He answers prayers. At least He is merciful. At least He is good.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 77: Compromise

No more.

Experiencing it one more time was more than enough, and it came right on the heels of a string of good and bad (which ultimately did lead to something good) occurrences.

Enough.

Maybe it's that complacency that I've always wanted to avoid, and this time, no more.

Not just that....For what I wish for, what I hope for, I won't give in either.

Not to enemies, not to strangers, not to friends....not even to family.

If my King is for me, who then, can be against me?

Indeed, it would be best if I could immediately start changing the habits of old and becoming a much better person.

To be honest, I know and acknowledge my own weaknesses - Not the most exciting, enthusiastic, charismatic, friendly, intelligent, wise person around. Not the most consistent either, but who can be consistently at their best?

On the other hand, I'm also starting to acknowledge my strengths - Good at writing, able to forgive easily, can talk somewhat easily about serious issues, able to analyse people to a certain extent, able to pick things up at a faster pace than the average person....

Just a few of both mentioned here, but I'm glad that this is getting somewhere.

But I also know that it is really impossible to change immediately.

in any case.....

NO MORE COMPROMISE.


NOT EVEN IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST ME.


----------------------


On one more note, that also means no more compromise of my own emotions as well.

To be more specific, less inhibition of what I truly feel.

So that people will stop misunderstanding and so I can be more....approachable, I guess? Heh.

If I hate, it means I hate.

If I love, it means I love.

No more denial...Especially with the peace of my King upon it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 76: Frowning Clown

Ever get the feeling that you are doing the opposite of what you feel?

Like not smiling even though you're really happy, finishing a piece of work, talking to someone you want to, being able to help others in need.

It sends wrong messages, especially with a face that borders on a natural sternness. And more often than I would like it to be, it breeds misunderstanding, little by little.

........

Excuse me while I go bang my head on the wall again. It's almost gone, you see, and then I can have a natural window of my own in my room.

Argh.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 75: 私は強くなりたい...

No one wants to be weak.

The question is...How much do you NOT want to be weak? How much stronger do you want to become?

Survived what could be considered a torturous four weeks. Not entirely without its benefits though, because I recognized blessing more than ever and even in my own times of need, being able to help others was more than enough for me.

But it got me thinking. The word I used was SURVIVED, not BREEZED.


Natural that disappointment sets in, considering how it felt like I could do so much more. How it felt like it just wasn't enough.

I wanted to do more. Not just for myself, but also for others.

Being able to do visitations, being able to concentrate and work hard to achieve good results, being able to make less mistakes in relating to other people, becoming a pillar of support for the people around me and care for.

I know all these takes effort. I also know all these requires a conscious act of decision-making on my part. The tough thing is wondering if it was ever enough, especially when your best seems like peanuts compared to other people.

You try to talk, stir up conversation. You did in in an hour's time, possibly a considerable feat when the living beings that listen to you more were the cats and dogs in your neighbourhood.

The other person takes 15 minutes, and has those people you want to interact with in stitches without even trying.

You try and try again to dribble, losing your footing and temper in the process occasionally. Eventually, you get it right after a few months of trying. No more looking down at the ball.

That friend of yours gets it right in a day.

It's unfair to always compare, and it's unrealistic too...But sometimes one can't help it when you see someone doing better than you, and you yourself are caught in an environment that promotes competitiveness. Doing it at your own pace seems moot. The moment you think of something, someone has already beaten you to it AND answered the question (the worst part being that the answer is literally the same as what you had in mind).

"Your best is enough," they say.

What if that is my best? Wouldn't that be horrible, having your greatest performance to be that riddled with silly mistakes?

I don't want that.

Which is why, despite the possible challenges that will come my way, I still want to ask for this.

Make me stronger.

Make me wiser.

Increase my capacity to work, to endure, to bring happiness to others, to love.

Let me make less mistakes everytime I do something.

Help me become so much more confident that literally nothing can drag me down to the point of despair so easily.

私は強くなりたい...

---------------------------

Had an awesome time of fellowship with a friend today. Sharing stuff about cell groups and adults and youths and guitar techniques made me felt really blessed and thankful.

One of the things he mentioned about being in a position of authority and responsibility got me thinking. What ultimately leads to that isn't talent, charisma, looks, money or selfish desire.

It's humility.

Whether you believe it or not, I agreed. Thinking back, it isn't easy to be humble, especially when we desire to be great or to do great things. Attaining that position is easy through talent, charisma and (God forbid) looks and money.

But ultimately it's HUMILITY that takes you there and plants you firmly in the driving seat.

Without humility, one cannot be teachable and thus, will refuse the advice of others, thinking he knew better all the time.

Without humility, you find it hard to forgive others when they do you wrong, and possibly setting a bad precedent and losing respect, gaining something else that's undesirable - fear.
Fear that they might offend you with the slightest remark. Fear that you might come down like an avatar of vengeance, wielding lightning and breathing fire.

Without humility, arrogance takes that empty place in your heart, making your ego inflated, allowing less room in your heart for friends and for others, making you into a selfish person.

Without humility...The King would NEVER use you.

Although it's true I want more strength, it feels like HUMILITY might just be part of that, not separate from it. I need to be more humble, it seems.

And perhaps lower my expectations a little, taking it step by step. After all, that was how I have been blessed these past few weeks despite the stress.

------------------------------

Things you don't want to end...How important are they to you? Are you willing to go the extra mile to ensure this is sustained? Are you willing to make that decision to step out in faith and 'just do it'?

To do something greater, to sustain those things you want to continue forever, Conviction comes first, then Declaration and finally, the one thing most people lack - ACTION.

Frustrated

*Takes a deep, deep breath*


"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"


Okay, that felt a little better.

Don't ask me for details. Not unless....You know you are someone I can share with.

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Recess week? What recess? Bah!

That being said, at least it might count as a time for me to catch up on some shuteye, Bible and novel reading, sports and other stuff.

.......Who am I kidding?

It's going to be studies, studies and studies...Maybe a bit of reading.

----------------------

Strength, Lord, strength and confidence.

And I'm still believing in you with all my might. I'm still holding those dark thoughts at bay.

Help me.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 74: The Worrying Strategist with a Heart

Sometimes I feel like a worrying strategist.

Perhaps having some prowess in strategising, in military affairs and knowing quite a bit about warfare on all terrains, but never being able to fully utilise that potential or being able to make a concrete decision, always wondering if the opponent is doing something outside of his calculations, or if the decision he made is wrong.

And with that Heart of kindness and concern, his worries intensify, as the lives of many good, brave and loyal soldiers are dependent on the decisions he make.

While not as drastic as determining someone else's life, it does affect the next most important thing to me - my own.

This is a rather irritating thing to have, sometimes...Or was it because there was fear in there somewhere?

After trying, diving in and doing what you thought best (and sometimes a little of it based off the good advice of others), then failing or slamming into walls time and again, it can feel a little difficult, apprehensive to pick up the notion of trying again.

There are times I wonder why I'm so terribly affected by this, and I realise that perhaps this is the first time I was ever being really serious.

Maybe that's why I don't want to mess it up. In the process of wanting to make sure it goes well for the other party AND myself, treading gingerly on the ice seems to be the order of the day.

Until somewhere along the seemingly perilous path, you realise that you're missing something in that as well - The joy in having small blessing, like being just one step, one tiny step closer.

Being able to just miss that ball by a few less inches. Being able to talk one or two times more to the girl you love, being able to feel less stressful for half an hour after you receive word of the deadline of your next project. Being able to save $5 more this month.Being able to commit one less habitual sin. Being able to make that one more call you couldn't make. Being able to pray for that one person for five more minutes earnestly. Being able to wish that person happy for a month (before your dissatisfaction sets in again) even though you sometimes feel you won't be a part of that happiness.

But even then, I sometimes question if it's sufficient to just feel that way. If these blessings are all that I can ever have.

Why can't I have more? Being rid of that habitual sin once and for all? Being able to have a superb grasp of my time? Being able to memorise verses in the Bible and remember the locations of the most trendy places in town? Being able to draw closer to the King in a greater way than before? Being able to be closer to the people I want to be closer to, in a more intimate and greater manner?

But yet again, I'm frozen by the concept of greed. Am I asking for too much? Is it too much for me right now to ask for strength that can help myself AND others? Was it too much to ask that I can be a part - a greater part - of the happiness of that one person? Is it too much that I ask for strength to be able to overcome certain things in my life?

I do know the difference between "I want it!" and "I want it now!", mind you.

What's more, this dilemma isn't new. Sometimes I wonder if praying for it like that was a sincere prayer. Wanting it, but not wanting it too much because you think it's greedy. Quite the silly conundrum, isn't it? Normally people shouldn't be having this problem. If you want it, means you want it. If you don't want it, means you don't want it.

And there are certain things I definitely want...Things closer to the core of my heart. Things that would glorify my King and ALSO taking care of my happiness and progress.

Things are happening...At least I think they are. I believe they are. I hope they are.

Because my King has come true for me a few times in small amounts. Sometimes I wonder if this is all meant to be a slow accumulation. A testing of my resolve. A burnishing of my armor and shield. A trial by the fire He puts people true to test them.

And perhaps it is. After all, while I see progress, I still see and hear/observed....hindrances. Or perhaps something that tries to block my hopes and in turn accuse me of listening to the wrong voice.

But in accusing, whatever scheme that voice has in mind obviously backfired, because there are only two kinds of beings that would do such a thing, and none of them were my King.

As always, my Liege, give me strength and wisdom. Give me power to overcome. Help me build up a steely resolve to change and progress. Grant me the capacity to accept changes and love people for who they are. Bestow upon me a heart of maturity through various things.

Let me believe my happiness can also come from someone else's happiness, and vice versa.

But more than that, help me build up a heart that's after you.

Loathing

I hate myself.

I hate how I act differently from how I feel.

I hate how it feels like I'm a puppet on strings, my actions, words and thoughts being manipulated by something else, while my heart is the only thing that remains true.

I hate it how when certain people are speaking to me, and yet I'm unable to fully look at them in the eyes either because of my being feeling manipulated, or simply because I'm just too nervous.

I hate it that I said one thing before this because of my uncertainty, yet now feel like I need to say, or declare another because I've confirmed it. In a way, it feels too late.

In a way, it feels like I really should have objected to one thing and agreed to another.

I hate it how I feel so impatient, really wanting that strength and wisdom to do not just that one thing closest to the core of my heart, yet knowing also that it takes time.

In the meantime, would what I wished for be taken away...?

Damn this feeling.

This is one time where I really hate the color green.

Yet, in the meantime, it feels like I've been blessed.

And again, it was done without me getting to know about it until after it was granted to me.

Will it happen again? Can I become stronger, wiser, more charismatic, more spiritual, more broken towards Him?

And even then, can my prayers for others, for the people I care about work?

Even now, I shall hope and pray for that.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 73: Breeding Mosquitoes

Stagnancy is the theme today, if you don't know it already.

Feels like time has passed...Flown, even. There is progress, of course, there definitely is...

But at what price? At what rate? At what level?

'Disappointment' would be the word used to sum this all up.

You know, praying for someone is good and all, but the debacle raging between being secular and relevant as well as being spiritual is now going on in my mind - Which one?

Besides, people want concrete help. Not everyone has a religion, let alone being a Christian. They want to see results. Facts. Research. Effort.

None of which I have anything to show for...I think.

And it just disappoints and frustrates me. What can be done to remedy this? That I can provide concrete help as well as spiritual aid to the people I care about?

Wanting to help is one thing.

Having people asking you to help them is another.

Sometimes when no one asks, you feel like you aren't that useful after all. No knowledge, no contemporariness, no looks, no charisma, no nothing except a heart. By the time you get the information, someone has already beaten you to it.

Because of various reasons, of course, but that's what gets to me.

A man wants to feel useful. He wants to feel like he can be relied upon. He wants to feel that he is the one you turn to if something goes wrong in your life. He wants to be able to make the people around him happy.

But I don't feel useful...Not at the moment.

My King, please give me more strength and wisdom....

Chronicles of iridescence, Chapter 72: No Time to (Insert Title here)

Been up to no good.

At least, my mind and my attention has been. Both were wandering all over the place, and you have no idea (or maybe you do, whoever you are) how difficult it is to bring them back.

In any case, it finally feels that they have settled after kicking and thrashing violently, wanting out again. The pens weren't secure enough, it seems, and time and again they sneak out through that hole in the fence.

But as the chinese saying goes, 亡羊补牢...Or as the literal translation goes - when a sheep dies, you fix the fence before it's too late. Feels that at least I've managed to put some planks and nailed them to the broken parts of the fence.

So yeah, I should be fine. It's just a process, I guess, no matter how painful it was or how I kept feeling like nothing's going right, in the end I kept clinging on. The last time I probably used tape, and now planks. Perhaps the next time will be a thorough fixing, and the next will be a renovation.

Then the next thing to do would be to hire more shepherds for my mind and emotions. It feels like this is going to take forever but...Who knows?

Spurts do happen.

------------------

On a more relevant note, the title is an allusion to something I've been learning in campus.

Interactive storytelling, an intriguing concept of telling stories in a non-linear way. Basically you can have multiple endings, have different routes to go to and make decisions after going through procedural changes that have you leaping from one part of the story to another, sometimes veering onto a side plot then back again, the decisions you make affecting how the story turns out.

For avid gamers, familiar works like Dragon Age and Mass Effect as well as various visual novels (Clannad, Kanon, Shuffle!) would know this more. It's not just the games part that has me in a tizzy, but also the storytelling aspects of this module. It makes me feel a lot better about my choice for a major after realising that CNM is.....a multi-faucet discipline, to put it nicely.


It is also here, though, that I realise how small I was compared to the many talented people in the module. Their stories revved up my imagination like never before, working the engines until the fuel tank was running on empty. So many possibilities! So much potential! Such ingenuity for such a simple premise!


Frankly speaking, I had felt like a big fish in a big sea in terms of writing, but after observing and listening and reading project proposal after project proposal, I realised how insignificant I was.


Gotta read more. When I make the time, that is.


Perhaps then I'll really be on that road I've always wanted to walk on.

Dreams

Had a dream as I slept, just now.

Don't know why, but I felt like breaking down and crying suddenly.

Maybe it just has been too long since such dreams came to me, and to a point where everything else felt so transient, so dry. Every night as I pined for dreams as I did a long-lost lover, it came to me in blurred images, in darkness.

Yet today, that lover came back to me once more into my arms and fed me with hope, only to leave me dry, disoriented and disheartened in the wake of her whirlwind arrival and departure.

The contents were simple, but by no means not meaningful...And often when dreams like this happen, it feels like change is coming too.

But why the weeping? Simple....

I wanted the dream to continue.

In another sense, I wanted the dream to have actually been real, that I had actually been awake and made that call and had that conversation.

It sounds delusional, but rather than looking at other things and realising that you had no part to play thus far in being a bringer of joy, I wanted that to happen.

But it did not.

However, perhaps it was a portent of things? Something of a smaller scale did happen to give me some hope.

At the very least, I won't be facing a complete wall on all five sides. I could still fly over the walls, albeit with a little bit of effort and faith in the King.

And it was a sign that the King had started answering my prayers....for others.

Thinking about that created tears of joy, mixed with a numbing resignation.

But perhaps because of such a vivid dream, things really will change for the better.

That's what I hope.

Anger

Needs management too.

Slammed my hands into a basin. No feeling.

Punched a wall. The pain lingered only for a day.

Felt sullen the moment I see some...things happening.

And I thought to myself: This is horrible, before proceeding to almost throw 'it' away by engaging in a foolish act.

But I see where this is heading...That winding path that looks deviously different and challenging, but actually makes you wind up in the same place.

Damn it.

Time for more action.

I can't stay like this forever.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 71: Master's Dog, Broken Vessel

Ever wondered what it means to be a lost sheep or a master's dog?

I just did, probably together with a whole bunch of people too. Approximately a few thousand, to be exact (or not, since that's only an estimate).

In any case, the message preached today in the House got me thinking about that. About various people I've met. People who are acquaintances. People who were simply classmates, grouping together for discussions and projects. People who I care for and really care about. People who I knew really well, like Tsoon Liang.

It got me thinking, even as I evaluated myself and other people that came to my mind, whether we had been too hard-headed and hard-hearted. Whether our faith was in our OWN belief of the King or in our OWN abilities and our OWN prayers.

Or was our faith purely just in the King?

Now that I think about it a little deeper, I realise that it really isn't easy to attain that level of faith, which is why I admire those people who simply placed their trust in the King and worked hard. It must have been really difficult, though, to attain that kind of mindset. How much pain did they go through before arriving at that state? How much suffering did they endure? How many complaints came out of their mouths and hearts? How many times did they rejected the notion of simply just believing in the King? How many times did they feel like giving up?

Do we keep trying to grab more or think that we ourselves are already good enough to walk towards the King rather than have Him walking towards us?

In the spirit of suffering, enduring and not giving up, it feels like the part preached today about broken vessels applied very well. Perhaps this is a period where, like Pst. Tan said, that we have to be 'broken' repeatedly to be true to the King. At that breaking point, or even past it, where we just cry and weep yet cling on with all we can, where our hopes and dreams are dashed to pieces and He is the only one we can turn to.

Trials and tribulations are not given, but allowed to make us stronger. But I've recently also thought that perhaps these trials and tribulations that any of us are facing in our lives right now could very well be something that the King allows to make us more broken to Him, so that He can speak a word into our lives and we can hear them. So that He can give us visions and dreams and we can see them. So that He can pour blessings into our lives and we can receive them.

So perhaps I shouldn't just let my heart die out like that, nor kill my emotions. The pain is still there. The suffering is still there. The doubt is still there, with various worst case scenarios appearing repeatedly over and over again in my head, and the drearier parts of my past coming up again to taunt and mock.

But perhaps this is indeed the test that I asked for.

To be moulded. To become a better person, a better (and real) man. To deal with the darker parts of myself as I am.

And thus, be broken repeatedly, time and time again until I can fully receive the King's blessing...As per what I believed in Him for.

And perhaps even more....

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So glad.

So glad that I saw....What I saw.

So glad that I couldn't help it but turn my head in that direction.

So glad that my prayers were answered, even if they played no humanely logical part in that happening.

So glad that happiness came on the day before, even if I wasn't part of being a provider of that.

So glad...That sometimes I just feel like crying. Half out of joy, and half out of pain.

But nevertheless, so glad.....