In so many senses.
The ominous signs are showing up to tell me about the conditions of my body, part of my mind that has yet to go through a thorough washing and part of the spirit.
I am tired.
The difference here though, is that while I've only ever thought about giving up during my previous spells of despair, there was one more thought.
This was a race....One that I might well liken to the long distances I've ran before.
I am tired.
No doubt about that, but I kept moving no matter how much it hurt, how tired I was.
Even with cramps acting up, I could still remember walking bit by bit rather than stopping. Limping when my ankle was half-twisted rather than sitting down.
So many times I remembered having to toil time and again just to achieve what I wanted to...Though most of the time I did not succeed.
"But so what?"
Thinking back, I marveled again at that spirit I had. When had it left me? Where did it go?
True, I had less worries, less responsibilities...Much, much less exposure - to my utter regret - to the world of socialising. But how could not a single shred of it be found somewhere within presently?
Still, it is encouraging to know that I remembered something that should have seemed so mundane, so boring (as many people would probably believe me to be), yet edifying at the same time.
I'm tired...But I'm still moving.
Fatigue is not equals to death.
Not for dreams, not for hopes, not for possibilities....definitely not for the spirit.
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Had a strange vision when I was eating dinner.
It came to me suddenly, like a wave of chaos, yet in the eye of the storm there was calm, though it felt no less horrible even with that feeling.
And I thought to myself...It can't be from Him, right? If it's something so terrible.
Yet it felt that not ALL visions gave you that fuzzy wuzzy feeling, that indescribable warmth I've been feeling when I prayed to Him about certain things that seem impossible.
It felt so real....Yet at the same time, it felt so impossible and such a terrible thing to behold.
Strangely, it felt to me as though that what happened in it...to me, was....worth it.
....Alright, let's stop there. Any more and I might be giving people second doubts about believing in Him.
At least He answers prayers. At least He is merciful. At least He is good.
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