No one wants to be weak.
The question is...How much do you NOT want to be weak? How much stronger do you want to become?
Survived what could be considered a torturous four weeks. Not entirely without its benefits though, because I recognized blessing more than ever and even in my own times of need, being able to help others was more than enough for me.
But it got me thinking. The word I used was SURVIVED, not BREEZED.
Natural that disappointment sets in, considering how it felt like I could do so much more. How it felt like it just wasn't enough.
I wanted to do more. Not just for myself, but also for others.
Being able to do visitations, being able to concentrate and work hard to achieve good results, being able to make less mistakes in relating to other people, becoming a pillar of support for the people around me and care for.
I know all these takes effort. I also know all these requires a conscious act of decision-making on my part. The tough thing is wondering if it was ever enough, especially when your best seems like peanuts compared to other people.
You try to talk, stir up conversation. You did in in an hour's time, possibly a considerable feat when the living beings that listen to you more were the cats and dogs in your neighbourhood.
The other person takes 15 minutes, and has those people you want to interact with in stitches without even trying.
You try and try again to dribble, losing your footing and temper in the process occasionally. Eventually, you get it right after a few months of trying. No more looking down at the ball.
That friend of yours gets it right in a day.
It's unfair to always compare, and it's unrealistic too...But sometimes one can't help it when you see someone doing better than you, and you yourself are caught in an environment that promotes competitiveness. Doing it at your own pace seems moot. The moment you think of something, someone has already beaten you to it AND answered the question (the worst part being that the answer is literally the same as what you had in mind).
"Your best is enough," they say.
What if that is my best? Wouldn't that be horrible, having your greatest performance to be that riddled with silly mistakes?
I don't want that.
Which is why, despite the possible challenges that will come my way, I still want to ask for this.
Make me stronger.
Make me wiser.
Increase my capacity to work, to endure, to bring happiness to others, to love.
Let me make less mistakes everytime I do something.
Help me become so much more confident that literally nothing can drag me down to the point of despair so easily.
私は強くなりたい...
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Had an awesome time of fellowship with a friend today. Sharing stuff about cell groups and adults and youths and guitar techniques made me felt really blessed and thankful.
One of the things he mentioned about being in a position of authority and responsibility got me thinking. What ultimately leads to that isn't talent, charisma, looks, money or selfish desire.
It's humility.
Whether you believe it or not, I agreed. Thinking back, it isn't easy to be humble, especially when we desire to be great or to do great things. Attaining that position is easy through talent, charisma and (God forbid) looks and money.
But ultimately it's HUMILITY that takes you there and plants you firmly in the driving seat.
Without humility, one cannot be teachable and thus, will refuse the advice of others, thinking he knew better all the time.
Without humility, you find it hard to forgive others when they do you wrong, and possibly setting a bad precedent and losing respect, gaining something else that's undesirable - fear.
Fear that they might offend you with the slightest remark. Fear that you might come down like an avatar of vengeance, wielding lightning and breathing fire.
Without humility, arrogance takes that empty place in your heart, making your ego inflated, allowing less room in your heart for friends and for others, making you into a selfish person.
Without humility...The King would NEVER use you.
Although it's true I want more strength, it feels like HUMILITY might just be part of that, not separate from it. I need to be more humble, it seems.
And perhaps lower my expectations a little, taking it step by step. After all, that was how I have been blessed these past few weeks despite the stress.
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Things you don't want to end...How important are they to you? Are you willing to go the extra mile to ensure this is sustained? Are you willing to make that decision to step out in faith and 'just do it'?
To do something greater, to sustain those things you want to continue forever, Conviction comes first, then Declaration and finally, the one thing most people lack - ACTION.
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