Sometimes I feel like a worrying strategist.
Perhaps having some prowess in strategising, in military affairs and knowing quite a bit about warfare on all terrains, but never being able to fully utilise that potential or being able to make a concrete decision, always wondering if the opponent is doing something outside of his calculations, or if the decision he made is wrong.
And with that Heart of kindness and concern, his worries intensify, as the lives of many good, brave and loyal soldiers are dependent on the decisions he make.
While not as drastic as determining someone else's life, it does affect the next most important thing to me - my own.
This is a rather irritating thing to have, sometimes...Or was it because there was fear in there somewhere?
After trying, diving in and doing what you thought best (and sometimes a little of it based off the good advice of others), then failing or slamming into walls time and again, it can feel a little difficult, apprehensive to pick up the notion of trying again.
There are times I wonder why I'm so terribly affected by this, and I realise that perhaps this is the first time I was ever being really serious.
Maybe that's why I don't want to mess it up. In the process of wanting to make sure it goes well for the other party AND myself, treading gingerly on the ice seems to be the order of the day.
Until somewhere along the seemingly perilous path, you realise that you're missing something in that as well - The joy in having small blessing, like being just one step, one tiny step closer.
Being able to just miss that ball by a few less inches. Being able to talk one or two times more to the girl you love, being able to feel less stressful for half an hour after you receive word of the deadline of your next project. Being able to save $5 more this month.Being able to commit one less habitual sin. Being able to make that one more call you couldn't make. Being able to pray for that one person for five more minutes earnestly. Being able to wish that person happy for a month (before your dissatisfaction sets in again) even though you sometimes feel you won't be a part of that happiness.
But even then, I sometimes question if it's sufficient to just feel that way. If these blessings are all that I can ever have.
Why can't I have more? Being rid of that habitual sin once and for all? Being able to have a superb grasp of my time? Being able to memorise verses in the Bible and remember the locations of the most trendy places in town? Being able to draw closer to the King in a greater way than before? Being able to be closer to the people I want to be closer to, in a more intimate and greater manner?
But yet again, I'm frozen by the concept of greed. Am I asking for too much? Is it too much for me right now to ask for strength that can help myself AND others? Was it too much to ask that I can be a part - a greater part - of the happiness of that one person? Is it too much that I ask for strength to be able to overcome certain things in my life?
I do know the difference between "I want it!" and "I want it now!", mind you.
What's more, this dilemma isn't new. Sometimes I wonder if praying for it like that was a sincere prayer. Wanting it, but not wanting it too much because you think it's greedy. Quite the silly conundrum, isn't it? Normally people shouldn't be having this problem. If you want it, means you want it. If you don't want it, means you don't want it.
And there are certain things I definitely want...Things closer to the core of my heart. Things that would glorify my King and ALSO taking care of my happiness and progress.
Things are happening...At least I think they are. I believe they are. I hope they are.
Because my King has come true for me a few times in small amounts. Sometimes I wonder if this is all meant to be a slow accumulation. A testing of my resolve. A burnishing of my armor and shield. A trial by the fire He puts people true to test them.
And perhaps it is. After all, while I see progress, I still see and hear/observed....hindrances. Or perhaps something that tries to block my hopes and in turn accuse me of listening to the wrong voice.
But in accusing, whatever scheme that voice has in mind obviously backfired, because there are only two kinds of beings that would do such a thing, and none of them were my King.
As always, my Liege, give me strength and wisdom. Give me power to overcome. Help me build up a steely resolve to change and progress. Grant me the capacity to accept changes and love people for who they are. Bestow upon me a heart of maturity through various things.
Let me believe my happiness can also come from someone else's happiness, and vice versa.
But more than that, help me build up a heart that's after you.
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