Loathing

I hate myself.

I hate how I act differently from how I feel.

I hate how it feels like I'm a puppet on strings, my actions, words and thoughts being manipulated by something else, while my heart is the only thing that remains true.

I hate it how when certain people are speaking to me, and yet I'm unable to fully look at them in the eyes either because of my being feeling manipulated, or simply because I'm just too nervous.

I hate it that I said one thing before this because of my uncertainty, yet now feel like I need to say, or declare another because I've confirmed it. In a way, it feels too late.

In a way, it feels like I really should have objected to one thing and agreed to another.

I hate it how I feel so impatient, really wanting that strength and wisdom to do not just that one thing closest to the core of my heart, yet knowing also that it takes time.

In the meantime, would what I wished for be taken away...?

Damn this feeling.

This is one time where I really hate the color green.

Yet, in the meantime, it feels like I've been blessed.

And again, it was done without me getting to know about it until after it was granted to me.

Will it happen again? Can I become stronger, wiser, more charismatic, more spiritual, more broken towards Him?

And even then, can my prayers for others, for the people I care about work?

Even now, I shall hope and pray for that.