Ever wondered what it means to be a lost sheep or a master's dog?
I just did, probably together with a whole bunch of people too. Approximately a few thousand, to be exact (or not, since that's only an estimate).
In any case, the message preached today in the House got me thinking about that. About various people I've met. People who are acquaintances. People who were simply classmates, grouping together for discussions and projects. People who I care for and really care about. People who I knew really well, like Tsoon Liang.
It got me thinking, even as I evaluated myself and other people that came to my mind, whether we had been too hard-headed and hard-hearted. Whether our faith was in our OWN belief of the King or in our OWN abilities and our OWN prayers.
Or was our faith purely just in the King?
Now that I think about it a little deeper, I realise that it really isn't easy to attain that level of faith, which is why I admire those people who simply placed their trust in the King and worked hard. It must have been really difficult, though, to attain that kind of mindset. How much pain did they go through before arriving at that state? How much suffering did they endure? How many complaints came out of their mouths and hearts? How many times did they rejected the notion of simply just believing in the King? How many times did they feel like giving up?
Do we keep trying to grab more or think that we ourselves are already good enough to walk towards the King rather than have Him walking towards us?
In the spirit of suffering, enduring and not giving up, it feels like the part preached today about broken vessels applied very well. Perhaps this is a period where, like Pst. Tan said, that we have to be 'broken' repeatedly to be true to the King. At that breaking point, or even past it, where we just cry and weep yet cling on with all we can, where our hopes and dreams are dashed to pieces and He is the only one we can turn to.
Trials and tribulations are not given, but allowed to make us stronger. But I've recently also thought that perhaps these trials and tribulations that any of us are facing in our lives right now could very well be something that the King allows to make us more broken to Him, so that He can speak a word into our lives and we can hear them. So that He can give us visions and dreams and we can see them. So that He can pour blessings into our lives and we can receive them.
So perhaps I shouldn't just let my heart die out like that, nor kill my emotions. The pain is still there. The suffering is still there. The doubt is still there, with various worst case scenarios appearing repeatedly over and over again in my head, and the drearier parts of my past coming up again to taunt and mock.
But perhaps this is indeed the test that I asked for.
To be moulded. To become a better person, a better (and real) man. To deal with the darker parts of myself as I am.
And thus, be broken repeatedly, time and time again until I can fully receive the King's blessing...As per what I believed in Him for.
And perhaps even more....
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So glad.
So glad that I saw....What I saw.
So glad that I couldn't help it but turn my head in that direction.
So glad that my prayers were answered, even if they played no humanely logical part in that happening.
So glad that happiness came on the day before, even if I wasn't part of being a provider of that.
So glad...That sometimes I just feel like crying. Half out of joy, and half out of pain.
But nevertheless, so glad.....
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