A thought just occurred to me. One that might have appeared before a few times, or perhaps even many times.
Maybe I'm just caught in the middle.
It's interesting to take note, because when making decisions, humans are always caught in the middle, regardless of whether the pulling forces are from two sides, or from every single direction. He feels a need to do this, but there's that temptation asking him to do something else, or a desire for him to ensure that he achieve what he thinks he wants. Maybe societal norms are stopping him from even making a move. It could even be past events and occurrences that hold him back.
In that sense, everyone's caught in the middle, unless you are extremely decisive and know what you want, even if it turns out to be a wrong decision.
For me, interacting with others....It's always a caught in the middle thing. If someone doesn't reply, especially for a long time, sometimes I simply don't know what to do. Maybe that person's busy? Maybe he/she simply doesn't want to bother talking to you? And if I replied...perhaps I'm being a nuisance.
And perhaps it is this that is holding me back from truly engaging in meaningful and lasting conversations, like I'm always afraid that I'm being a nuisance one way or another, or you preferred talking to someone else. As previously stated, it has come to the point where I felt as though this was a ages-old curse, one that will haunt and follow me to the grave.
There has to be some way to get rid of it, of course. I'm not beyond asking professional help, because no single human can stand the feeling of being left out for so long. Not especially when you see the people you want to talk to enjoying themselves with other people, even though you try and try again.
Perhaps the relationship isn't there yet, or maybe as my mom said, it has everything to do with my personality (Something which I absolutely refuse to accept, though the notion is starting to hit home that I am a born loner, despite what I'm trying to do to change that). It comes to the cliche "It's not you, it's me" phrase when breaking up with someone in order not to hurt the feelings of the other party, except that this isn't just about a romantic relationship on the rocks.
It's about everything.
Not many understand what the issue is, of course, and if you read this, you might simply treat this as yet another complaint or another bout of whining. Be my guest...But know that though I've blamed myself and the circumstances sometimes, I don't blame others and God for me being in such a sorry state. It just isn't right to do so.
But I'm really tired of playing guessing games. Maybe a simpler approach is better. Just talk and say whatever's on my mind. Go with my flow, not with the flow of others. Talk because I want to, even though no one really listens. Send SMSes and make calls because I want to, not because I'm obliged and just because hardly anyone really replies seriously, doesn't mean I should stop.
Alternatively, I can call up the Housing Development Board in the Himalayas, ask them to check for vacancies and see if they have a cave up there for me to live, so I won't have to deal with these pesky little issues.
Also, I could stop bothering to reply to people too, though that would be following the norm in my interactions with people. Stop being such a nice guy. Stop replying to every single message, rushing to meet every single request, attempting to include every single person....Even though I don't get included most of the time. (Fact)
---------------------------
"Just so you know, I haven't given up."
Just felt like saying that.
There's been...setbacks, but I still remembered that promise, though the setback itself has made that faded.
There needs to be a greater level of repentance here, and a confirmation that I won't fall for the same thing again. It's getting to me...Because it could be this very darkness that has been holding me back from the blessings I've wanted or needed.
I should start confessing those few Bible verses a thousand times soon. Away from me, filthy darkness! Screw you and your temptations! Go back to whatever hole you popped out of and stay there with cement sealing the damn entrance!
....Okay, those weren't the verses, but rather how I feel about it.
Ultimately, the negative emotions are still here, and I'm dealing with it. The reasons are known, of course: The inability to communicate well with others, especially people I care about, the lack of confidence, and the seemingly fruitless pursuit of those promises.
But it's coming true.
Despite the fog and mist in the way, despite the slippery slopes that cause me to stumble and even fall, despite the people way ahead and the obstacles in the way....
I have to keep trusting in Him. And keep repenting.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 53: Return
Just came back from reservist, and I have to say that although it was better than I thought, it was also worse than I thought.
Confusing? It would be, seeing as the statement itself is a contradiction.
Firstly, the ICT was good. In a sense, that is. I felt a little fruitful doing things here and there, and though having hit with 'arrows' simply because of my presence there, it was somewhat fulfilling. It does get a little tiring, though, having to sleep at timings beyond the normal 2230 hours because there aren't a lot of people around to help you out. In all honesty, some people do disappear once you wake up and reappear once you head to your bunks.
What's more, I went for range! It was a refreshing change from the previous ICT, having done little of that. Before that, I even participated in a 4-click route march. It was kinda enjoyable, except for the wound that resulted in abrasions on my heel from the back part of the interior of my boots.
Speaking of range, it was really cool, and I did not want to miss it just because it's only my second time firing the SAR 21. Thinking I was a bobo shooter (in other words, someone who misses. A LOT.), I went in with zero confidence. The practice shoot didn't help me in that, but I decided to pray a little and have a little more confidence as well as ask others for advice and focus.
Guess what? I got a Marksman accolade for that. My night shoot was even better than the day, as it has been with all the ranges I've been to.
The bad, however, dragged me down considerably. Even though we got out early, that is.
It felt as though I had little friends inside. It's true that I could talk and laugh with people, ask them about stuff in their lives since we haven't met up for long and talk crap for hours on end about various things, but somehow it still feels like I'm not part of the group.
Looking back, it's kinda understandable. I entered the battalion pretty late, and most of the people there already knew each other. I came in late, messed things up big time at times and didn't have much to show for except for one or two big occasions. Conversations were started, attempted, as usual, but always died off before it could get anywhere near a comfortable level of reciprocity.
The feeling gets worse when I hardly receive any calls from friends and family. Mom did call once, and it was my own mistake and a wrong tone of voice that put her off, I think. Calling back, messaging people without receiving replies, while seeing your fellow NSmen chatting or texting away happily on their mobile phones...It can get to you sometimes.
My quiet time quality wasn't really there either. All the times that I wanted to really draw closer? Either I get distracted or simply don't have the time. By the time I'm finished with work and range, I find myself falling asleep whenever I attempted to pray.
Maybe I should stop this, you know? Being so stubborn in changing myself. Maybe it's just me, that I can't talk and maintain a conversation with anyone. Not my friends, not my family...possibly not even my girlfriend or wife...If I'm ever so fated to have one in the first place, that is.
It's a rotten cycle. Trying out as hard as you can, seeking help, then receiving advice or admonishment that you aren't trying hard enough, or easygoing assurances that seem to assuage your concerns for a while, but in the end avail to little.
To be honest, I've actually thought about whether I was thinking too much (sounds weird, right?), but it's just impossible. Maybe I could have been doing that for the past 2-3 years, but for the past 10 odd years? I know I DEFINITELY wasn't that much of a thinker then compared to now, which is why this phenomenon scares me.
Maybe it might even be a curse.
All I wanted was simply to make friends and know more people, despite my iniquities. Despite my awkwardness in starting conversations. But that's the thing. When you interact with someone, people always look at the outside. One wrong facial expression, one wrong type of tone used, and you get judged immediately, whether you or the other person likes it or not.
I blame this on the inherent human nature to judge, not the person ultimately. It just gets depressing sometimes, to know that your definition of building relationships doesn't include good reciprocity. It sucks even more to know that sometimes it's totally out of your hands, and you can only look out as others talk so freely with each other, laugh and joke about stuff for a long time while you can only hold broken conversations, chip in or add comments of your own - only to disrupt the whole damn thing.
So there you have it - the 2nd ICT. Somehow it feels like it's build up my confidence, yet smashes it to bits with the bad affirmation that my nature is probably that of a loner, and it can't be changed. At least, not that quickly. Maybe I can become a social animal when I'm about to reach a mid-life crisis.
Hey, at least that would offset the curse the 40 year-olds face, right?
And there's more setbacks....Things I prefer to keep to myself unless I trust you to treat them seriously.
Hope it's all going to turn out fine.
Oh yeah, did I mention? extra $200 for the Marksman. Time to pay off some debts and eat a little better.
Might even treat you if I feel like it too...
Confusing? It would be, seeing as the statement itself is a contradiction.
Firstly, the ICT was good. In a sense, that is. I felt a little fruitful doing things here and there, and though having hit with 'arrows' simply because of my presence there, it was somewhat fulfilling. It does get a little tiring, though, having to sleep at timings beyond the normal 2230 hours because there aren't a lot of people around to help you out. In all honesty, some people do disappear once you wake up and reappear once you head to your bunks.
What's more, I went for range! It was a refreshing change from the previous ICT, having done little of that. Before that, I even participated in a 4-click route march. It was kinda enjoyable, except for the wound that resulted in abrasions on my heel from the back part of the interior of my boots.
Speaking of range, it was really cool, and I did not want to miss it just because it's only my second time firing the SAR 21. Thinking I was a bobo shooter (in other words, someone who misses. A LOT.), I went in with zero confidence. The practice shoot didn't help me in that, but I decided to pray a little and have a little more confidence as well as ask others for advice and focus.
Guess what? I got a Marksman accolade for that. My night shoot was even better than the day, as it has been with all the ranges I've been to.
The bad, however, dragged me down considerably. Even though we got out early, that is.
It felt as though I had little friends inside. It's true that I could talk and laugh with people, ask them about stuff in their lives since we haven't met up for long and talk crap for hours on end about various things, but somehow it still feels like I'm not part of the group.
Looking back, it's kinda understandable. I entered the battalion pretty late, and most of the people there already knew each other. I came in late, messed things up big time at times and didn't have much to show for except for one or two big occasions. Conversations were started, attempted, as usual, but always died off before it could get anywhere near a comfortable level of reciprocity.
The feeling gets worse when I hardly receive any calls from friends and family. Mom did call once, and it was my own mistake and a wrong tone of voice that put her off, I think. Calling back, messaging people without receiving replies, while seeing your fellow NSmen chatting or texting away happily on their mobile phones...It can get to you sometimes.
My quiet time quality wasn't really there either. All the times that I wanted to really draw closer? Either I get distracted or simply don't have the time. By the time I'm finished with work and range, I find myself falling asleep whenever I attempted to pray.
Maybe I should stop this, you know? Being so stubborn in changing myself. Maybe it's just me, that I can't talk and maintain a conversation with anyone. Not my friends, not my family...possibly not even my girlfriend or wife...If I'm ever so fated to have one in the first place, that is.
It's a rotten cycle. Trying out as hard as you can, seeking help, then receiving advice or admonishment that you aren't trying hard enough, or easygoing assurances that seem to assuage your concerns for a while, but in the end avail to little.
To be honest, I've actually thought about whether I was thinking too much (sounds weird, right?), but it's just impossible. Maybe I could have been doing that for the past 2-3 years, but for the past 10 odd years? I know I DEFINITELY wasn't that much of a thinker then compared to now, which is why this phenomenon scares me.
Maybe it might even be a curse.
All I wanted was simply to make friends and know more people, despite my iniquities. Despite my awkwardness in starting conversations. But that's the thing. When you interact with someone, people always look at the outside. One wrong facial expression, one wrong type of tone used, and you get judged immediately, whether you or the other person likes it or not.
I blame this on the inherent human nature to judge, not the person ultimately. It just gets depressing sometimes, to know that your definition of building relationships doesn't include good reciprocity. It sucks even more to know that sometimes it's totally out of your hands, and you can only look out as others talk so freely with each other, laugh and joke about stuff for a long time while you can only hold broken conversations, chip in or add comments of your own - only to disrupt the whole damn thing.
So there you have it - the 2nd ICT. Somehow it feels like it's build up my confidence, yet smashes it to bits with the bad affirmation that my nature is probably that of a loner, and it can't be changed. At least, not that quickly. Maybe I can become a social animal when I'm about to reach a mid-life crisis.
Hey, at least that would offset the curse the 40 year-olds face, right?
And there's more setbacks....Things I prefer to keep to myself unless I trust you to treat them seriously.
Hope it's all going to turn out fine.
Oh yeah, did I mention? extra $200 for the Marksman. Time to pay off some debts and eat a little better.
Might even treat you if I feel like it too...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 52: Service and Reservist
Had an awesome service on Sat and on Sun. Why did I go to both, you ask? Simple...Because I was serving as an usher today.
But it's really amazing sometimes, when you attend service with a different 'status'. I'm not saying that a ministry member has higher status or whatever, but it's interesting because there's a different point of view, a different level of attention paid to the things that were spoken.
Reported late for duty and prior to that, was still feeling down. Had some nightmares again, weird dreams that have been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Truth be told, I had no intention of going down and receiving the congregation with cheerful welcomes and big smiles.
But I thought back about the times where others had those days as well and told them to me. I thought back to the times where my carnal self refused to serve, but my heart and feet took me right onto the MRT heading for Expo. I thought about the sermon preached.
And I prayed.
Not aloud, of course, but in my heart. Sometimes that's what the MRT and loneliness is good for: Alone, undisturbed, you can just think thoughts of peace. You can just silently praise God over and over again and pray to him.
For wisdom, that I did. I kept asking for wisdom to get me through this, and immediately He answered.
Serving because of compulsion or obligation is not serving. The real purpose of serving as an usher...It is to please God. It is because you want to please God.
How about those times where the congregation literally bullied or tricked you? how about those offences?
Forgive and forget. And ultimately, serving in a ministry isn't about people.
It's about God.
And again I was reminded, after being in great pain from an unfortunate gastric pain + wrong food combination combo that caused me to puke like no tomorrow, that God sometimes allows things to happen to us, break us down, so that He can be that much stronger and prominent in our lives.
In our weakness, He is made strong. Like Paul, sometimes we need to rejoice in our weaknesses, because that's when God shines forth so greatly.
Guess what? A renewed attitude from a time of prayer in the MRT, and suddenly serving didn't seem so bad. Smiling didn't seem so hard. Being genuinely friendly and loving didn't seem so fake. Ensuring things were done didn't seem so tedious. I even had a few good laughs while serving.
Even after that, before the disastrous lunch combination, had a good time of fellowship. Talked and laughed with my usher friends and cg members. Even in the midst of trials, He still blesses me in this manner. In fact, He has been blessing me, bit by bit.
So glad that He is my God.
-------------------------------
Reservist starting tomorrow.
No biggie, really, since it's low-key ICT (in-camp training). The only sad things are obviously not being able to do visitations, do my CORS bidding (Argh! someone help me!), not being able to attend FOP (Festival of Praise), not being able to follow my friends on what they are doing for work, school, breakfast, lunch, dinner and before they sleep.
.....Trust me, Facebook stalking is a prevalent activity made easy with the amount of sharing done. Even YOU do it, so be slow to speak and quick to listen. Haha.
But this time, even though I feel kinda less prepared (haven't finished packing!), I'm beginning to feel that it is indeed a great time to have reservist.
Trials, tribulations come flying in hard and fast. Discouragements, negative emotions and negative hints march in by the thousands, battering the gates, baying for blood and clamoring to be let into my citadel. If you haven't already noticed or seen or heard about it, of course...This is just a simple, abstract summary.
I think I've been concentrating on too many things at one go, or perhaps concentrating on the right things at the wrong time. On guitar, on gathering knowledge, on relationships, on the promises of God, on helping others, on health, on buffing up, on wanting to learn how to cook, do household chores properly and on becoming more confident.
Some of them aren't really all that bad. What's lousy is the way I flit from one to another, simply because it was a force of habit. Another, of course, is to take a break from getting hurt, unintentionally most of the time, about certain things.
Breaking it down, it has to start from God first. Simple as that. Then it moves on to myself, before onto others. That's how it should work, anyway.
And I find reservist the perfect time to step on the brakes and start anew. One week, not too much to do that you'll become dog-tired and plenty of time to yourself at times. Plenty of time to seek God too, reaffirm my faith, reaffirm His promises, reaffirm His love, all through the Word and prayer.
I don't care if anyone thinks I'm flaky or shuns me when they see the dusty little NLT Bible sitting on my bed with me, because that's just how it's going to be.
-----------------------------
Had thoughts of giving up again, but that's not what I'm built to do - Give up.
Looking back, all the times that I had similar situations, the moment I gave up, opportunity immediately arose.
And I obviously failed to grasp it, causing me to live in regret and fear that I'll never get into that again. That I'm not suitable at all. That I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.
So basically, the bottom line is...I can't give up. I won't. The reason why I continued despite possibly hitting walls again and again is because of this, and because of the conviction I have from God.
So I speak of giving up, but then I speak again later of continuing.
But right now, it's really not the time to put too much attention, energy and effort into it. Token efforts will have to do, as long as I've tried hard enough and tried to do it correctly. There are other priorities in my life right now: God, studies and self-improvement.
So until then, until it is reaffirmed and until it is time, I'll strive not to think too much about it.
But it's really amazing sometimes, when you attend service with a different 'status'. I'm not saying that a ministry member has higher status or whatever, but it's interesting because there's a different point of view, a different level of attention paid to the things that were spoken.
Reported late for duty and prior to that, was still feeling down. Had some nightmares again, weird dreams that have been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Truth be told, I had no intention of going down and receiving the congregation with cheerful welcomes and big smiles.
But I thought back about the times where others had those days as well and told them to me. I thought back to the times where my carnal self refused to serve, but my heart and feet took me right onto the MRT heading for Expo. I thought about the sermon preached.
And I prayed.
Not aloud, of course, but in my heart. Sometimes that's what the MRT and loneliness is good for: Alone, undisturbed, you can just think thoughts of peace. You can just silently praise God over and over again and pray to him.
For wisdom, that I did. I kept asking for wisdom to get me through this, and immediately He answered.
Serving because of compulsion or obligation is not serving. The real purpose of serving as an usher...It is to please God. It is because you want to please God.
How about those times where the congregation literally bullied or tricked you? how about those offences?
Forgive and forget. And ultimately, serving in a ministry isn't about people.
It's about God.
And again I was reminded, after being in great pain from an unfortunate gastric pain + wrong food combination combo that caused me to puke like no tomorrow, that God sometimes allows things to happen to us, break us down, so that He can be that much stronger and prominent in our lives.
In our weakness, He is made strong. Like Paul, sometimes we need to rejoice in our weaknesses, because that's when God shines forth so greatly.
Guess what? A renewed attitude from a time of prayer in the MRT, and suddenly serving didn't seem so bad. Smiling didn't seem so hard. Being genuinely friendly and loving didn't seem so fake. Ensuring things were done didn't seem so tedious. I even had a few good laughs while serving.
Even after that, before the disastrous lunch combination, had a good time of fellowship. Talked and laughed with my usher friends and cg members. Even in the midst of trials, He still blesses me in this manner. In fact, He has been blessing me, bit by bit.
So glad that He is my God.
-------------------------------
Reservist starting tomorrow.
No biggie, really, since it's low-key ICT (in-camp training). The only sad things are obviously not being able to do visitations, do my CORS bidding (Argh! someone help me!), not being able to attend FOP (Festival of Praise), not being able to follow my friends on what they are doing for work, school, breakfast, lunch, dinner and before they sleep.
.....Trust me, Facebook stalking is a prevalent activity made easy with the amount of sharing done. Even YOU do it, so be slow to speak and quick to listen. Haha.
But this time, even though I feel kinda less prepared (haven't finished packing!), I'm beginning to feel that it is indeed a great time to have reservist.
Trials, tribulations come flying in hard and fast. Discouragements, negative emotions and negative hints march in by the thousands, battering the gates, baying for blood and clamoring to be let into my citadel. If you haven't already noticed or seen or heard about it, of course...This is just a simple, abstract summary.
I think I've been concentrating on too many things at one go, or perhaps concentrating on the right things at the wrong time. On guitar, on gathering knowledge, on relationships, on the promises of God, on helping others, on health, on buffing up, on wanting to learn how to cook, do household chores properly and on becoming more confident.
Some of them aren't really all that bad. What's lousy is the way I flit from one to another, simply because it was a force of habit. Another, of course, is to take a break from getting hurt, unintentionally most of the time, about certain things.
Breaking it down, it has to start from God first. Simple as that. Then it moves on to myself, before onto others. That's how it should work, anyway.
And I find reservist the perfect time to step on the brakes and start anew. One week, not too much to do that you'll become dog-tired and plenty of time to yourself at times. Plenty of time to seek God too, reaffirm my faith, reaffirm His promises, reaffirm His love, all through the Word and prayer.
I don't care if anyone thinks I'm flaky or shuns me when they see the dusty little NLT Bible sitting on my bed with me, because that's just how it's going to be.
-----------------------------
Had thoughts of giving up again, but that's not what I'm built to do - Give up.
Looking back, all the times that I had similar situations, the moment I gave up, opportunity immediately arose.
And I obviously failed to grasp it, causing me to live in regret and fear that I'll never get into that again. That I'm not suitable at all. That I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.
So basically, the bottom line is...I can't give up. I won't. The reason why I continued despite possibly hitting walls again and again is because of this, and because of the conviction I have from God.
So I speak of giving up, but then I speak again later of continuing.
But right now, it's really not the time to put too much attention, energy and effort into it. Token efforts will have to do, as long as I've tried hard enough and tried to do it correctly. There are other priorities in my life right now: God, studies and self-improvement.
So until then, until it is reaffirmed and until it is time, I'll strive not to think too much about it.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 51: Continuation
The stuff...They just won't stop.
Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? To be pressed in on all sides. Assailed like never before. Hammered as though you were that stubborn nail that just refuses to conform and go into the wood like every other generic one.
I continued for a few reasons, of course...Some just simply to share the good and bad things faced, mainly to encourage and mainly to keep people updated on what's going on...Even if it means those that I want to care don't really. At least it gives the others a peace of mind.
Not going to share too many details, because it's my right to withhold details, and my right to be more sensitive to my own needs. Realised I've been giving away too many details, which on the whole makes myself feel even smaller and lesser in my own eyes, and possibly in the eyes of others. Especially people that I don't want them to know.
What done is done. All I can say is that it's another battle, one after the other. The only thing I can do now is to increase confidence. Get more into the Word and keep believing His promises, even though it feels like I've suffered setbacks (however minor they seem) today.
For those who worried, thank you. I can say that I'm dealing with the past issues in my life right now. A whole army of them. Some of you may know what a few are, (a few regrets here, and some thankfulness there, but what's done is done, right?) but some of you won't. And I think I'll shut up about it for a while, because the tendency to talk about it to anyone might just pop up again, and if I speak it to the people that I don't want them to know about, regrets are bound to surface.
For starters, that's about it. Unless you have similarities to the problems I face (if you ever got to know, of course), please don't brush it off like it's nothing. One thing I learned when talking to troubled people in the past, is that they are sometimes just looking for a good listening ear. Sometimes it isn't the advice you dish out, or the brushing off, saying that you're worrying too much, or saying that you should stop thinking about this things, or even the reprimanding....
Sometimes it's the listening.
Showing them that you care by listening, by giving more attention to them rather than offering a token ear. You may not understand the circumstances (and it would only be right to tell them the truth as such), but ultimately one should really show and really pay attention. After all, one's actions reflects one's inner self....Riiiight?
Maybe that's why a book on the analysis of conversations showed that the best listeners are often the best conversationalists. A female friend of mine often tells me that she prefers a man who listens rather than a man who is simple or great, but yet isn't able to keep still to hear about her day, however mundane it is. (Sensitivity always comes close, I think...At least for her, and probably for most people out there)
Maybe we should strive to really listen. I know, without any arrogance or self-sufficiency, that I'm trying to get there. And heck if I've been looking tired....It's simply a physical expression manifested from what's been going on in my mind. That's something I got to change too, and for that I'm glad for the sermon today.
But you know, God is good....It's difficult to believe, especially for someone who has been battling a certain issue for ten odd years, for someone who (I feel) has to sacrifice his own comfort and needs most of the time, for someone who has been unable to believe in anything more than friendship is possible in his life.
But difficult as it is, we still believe. Act that faith out, including the changes required, despite the repeated rejections and failures. As far as I know, I've tried, in my own way, to knock, and knock, and knock, sometimes so softly because the house looks like it might collapse if I did it hard at the first try.
It may seem like the streets are suffering from a blackout, and that every door is shut, especially the ones you want ever so tightly, even though the directions lead you there. But somehow, the door does open.
The vision is still there. Though it tarries, it will most certainly come to pass.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Negative emotions, supposed hints dropped your way, insecurities that everyone will or have faced....
But you know what? Screw it. As the song "Nothing is Impossible" declares, I'm not going to live by what I see or feel.
Which is why I thank God for the timing of the reservist. It's a good time to heal, a good time to get some proper shut-eye, a good time to fellowship with army fellas I haven't seen in a while, a good time to reassess myself, a good time to recharge myself, a good time to get away from almost everything....Since not many are probably going to ask me how my reservist is, anyway.
At least, not the people I'm hoping for....Or hopefully, they might just ask. You never know.
In the meantime, don't worry....I think I can keep fighting. It's just that sometimes even the best soldier gets tired. Even his armor gets dented, even his sword gets chipped, even his shield gets dented and even his morale becomes deflated. I'm not the best, of course. No one really is.
But at the end of the day, when you hear the trumpets resounding, when you smell the food, when you think of the people you miss and want to return to, when you think of the rewards and most of all, when you think of the glory you can bring to the kingdom by winning these wars....The motivation returns. The weapons and armor are changed, reforged even, into stronger, better ones. Then we return again to slay the enemy.
But just as God's angels sound the trumpets and just as He made the sword, we are the ones to draw and wield it.
It's high time I start wielding and using it properly.
For myself.
For God.
Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? To be pressed in on all sides. Assailed like never before. Hammered as though you were that stubborn nail that just refuses to conform and go into the wood like every other generic one.
I continued for a few reasons, of course...Some just simply to share the good and bad things faced, mainly to encourage and mainly to keep people updated on what's going on...Even if it means those that I want to care don't really. At least it gives the others a peace of mind.
Not going to share too many details, because it's my right to withhold details, and my right to be more sensitive to my own needs. Realised I've been giving away too many details, which on the whole makes myself feel even smaller and lesser in my own eyes, and possibly in the eyes of others. Especially people that I don't want them to know.
What done is done. All I can say is that it's another battle, one after the other. The only thing I can do now is to increase confidence. Get more into the Word and keep believing His promises, even though it feels like I've suffered setbacks (however minor they seem) today.
For those who worried, thank you. I can say that I'm dealing with the past issues in my life right now. A whole army of them. Some of you may know what a few are, (a few regrets here, and some thankfulness there, but what's done is done, right?) but some of you won't. And I think I'll shut up about it for a while, because the tendency to talk about it to anyone might just pop up again, and if I speak it to the people that I don't want them to know about, regrets are bound to surface.
For starters, that's about it. Unless you have similarities to the problems I face (if you ever got to know, of course), please don't brush it off like it's nothing. One thing I learned when talking to troubled people in the past, is that they are sometimes just looking for a good listening ear. Sometimes it isn't the advice you dish out, or the brushing off, saying that you're worrying too much, or saying that you should stop thinking about this things, or even the reprimanding....
Sometimes it's the listening.
Showing them that you care by listening, by giving more attention to them rather than offering a token ear. You may not understand the circumstances (and it would only be right to tell them the truth as such), but ultimately one should really show and really pay attention. After all, one's actions reflects one's inner self....Riiiight?
Maybe that's why a book on the analysis of conversations showed that the best listeners are often the best conversationalists. A female friend of mine often tells me that she prefers a man who listens rather than a man who is simple or great, but yet isn't able to keep still to hear about her day, however mundane it is. (Sensitivity always comes close, I think...At least for her, and probably for most people out there)
Maybe we should strive to really listen. I know, without any arrogance or self-sufficiency, that I'm trying to get there. And heck if I've been looking tired....It's simply a physical expression manifested from what's been going on in my mind. That's something I got to change too, and for that I'm glad for the sermon today.
But you know, God is good....It's difficult to believe, especially for someone who has been battling a certain issue for ten odd years, for someone who (I feel) has to sacrifice his own comfort and needs most of the time, for someone who has been unable to believe in anything more than friendship is possible in his life.
But difficult as it is, we still believe. Act that faith out, including the changes required, despite the repeated rejections and failures. As far as I know, I've tried, in my own way, to knock, and knock, and knock, sometimes so softly because the house looks like it might collapse if I did it hard at the first try.
It may seem like the streets are suffering from a blackout, and that every door is shut, especially the ones you want ever so tightly, even though the directions lead you there. But somehow, the door does open.
The vision is still there. Though it tarries, it will most certainly come to pass.
Sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Negative emotions, supposed hints dropped your way, insecurities that everyone will or have faced....
But you know what? Screw it. As the song "Nothing is Impossible" declares, I'm not going to live by what I see or feel.
Which is why I thank God for the timing of the reservist. It's a good time to heal, a good time to get some proper shut-eye, a good time to fellowship with army fellas I haven't seen in a while, a good time to reassess myself, a good time to recharge myself, a good time to get away from almost everything....Since not many are probably going to ask me how my reservist is, anyway.
At least, not the people I'm hoping for....Or hopefully, they might just ask. You never know.
In the meantime, don't worry....I think I can keep fighting. It's just that sometimes even the best soldier gets tired. Even his armor gets dented, even his sword gets chipped, even his shield gets dented and even his morale becomes deflated. I'm not the best, of course. No one really is.
But at the end of the day, when you hear the trumpets resounding, when you smell the food, when you think of the people you miss and want to return to, when you think of the rewards and most of all, when you think of the glory you can bring to the kingdom by winning these wars....The motivation returns. The weapons and armor are changed, reforged even, into stronger, better ones. Then we return again to slay the enemy.
But just as God's angels sound the trumpets and just as He made the sword, we are the ones to draw and wield it.
It's high time I start wielding and using it properly.
For myself.
For God.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Writing Iridescence: The Ending
One day, God decided to call upon four people. All four of them were teenagers and had just started having dreams and aspirations of what they wanted to do. They were - as many would consider - in the prime of their lives, full of energy, enthusiasm and passion.
God approached the first one. "My son, I was wondering if you would like to start writing in your own book of life."
The first teenager was startled. "But God, aren't you the one who writes it out for us? Didn't you have everything planned for us already?"
"That I do, for I know everything that has happened, is happening and will be happening in your life, but do you want to write your own story for the future?"
Tentatively, the teenager took the hardcover book from God's hands and opened it. Though it looked small, the pages never seem to end when the teenager flipped through it. The first several dozen pages of the book were filled with every single moment of his life, described in good detail, but when he came to the end of those pages, everything else was blank.
"No...No, that is wrong. Aren't you supposed to be the one? I can't do it. I won't do it....This is too much for me!" As he spoke, the teenager fled from God's sight.
God then approached the second. ""My daughter, I was wondering if you would like to start writing in your own book of life."
"Of course!" The second teenager almost jumped in delight upon hearing that. Just as the first teenager did, she flipped through the pages once through, but kept the book with her.
"Yes, I would love to write in it!" Without another word, she rushed off happily, unable to contain her excitement at what would essentially mean that she could create a perfect life for herself.
God came to the third one, who also had the same reaction as the second teenager, a boy gifted in many areas, including writing. The fourth, however, looked unsure when God asked of him the same thing about writing in his book of life.
"Lord, I'm sorry for doubting, but why do you ask of us to write in our own books?"
"My son, that is something that I'll tell you eventually. For now, are you willing to do as I ask?"
"Of course...But is there a way I can contact you?"
"Why do you need my contact?"
"In case there's anything I don't know, Lord...Or in case I make some mistakes with my writing."
God then gave him a number to call, and the fourth teenager thanked him as he left.
Several years later, God decided to check up on the teenagers who had been offered the chance to write their lives out. He appeared before the second teenager, who is sitting in one of the alleyways in the slums of the city.. She looked at him first in surprise, then with suspicion.
"....Who are you?"
God replied. "It is I, the one who first gave you the opportunity to write your life out in the book. I have come to see your progress."
"Oh, that thing...Left it somewhere at home, I think. No idea where I put it."
"What happened?"
"I've no idea, Mister. Halfway through somethin' screwed up, I guess. No inspiration, no energy to keep it up because of daily stuff. Stupid people in my life here and there, and doesn't feel like I got anyone to ask for help from."
At the same time, God made his way to the third teenager, now a single parent. God found him angrily punishing his children for dirtying the floor accidentally. As he approached, the young man turned around and scowled.
"What do you want?"
"My son, how goes your writing in the book of life?"
"Oh, that...It's been good, I feel. It's just that sometimes it doesn't tally. You gave me a faulty book, damn it."
"What of it that does not tally?"
"Whatever I write in it, most of it does not tally. Even though I tried time and again to believe in what I written, many times it just doesn't come true, so I decided to depend on myself instead. I've got talent, anyway."
"Then why is it that you scold your children so vehemently for the slightest mistake?"
"Shouldn't you be asking yourself that question? If not for my talents and abilities, I would be rotting on the streets. If not for my assertiveness, that bitch would have taken custody of my two children a long time back. If not for my abilities..."
As the man continued ranting, God's cellphone rang. He waited a short while before picking it up.
"Yes?"
"Lord? Is it okay if I send the book to you again for editing?"
"Of course, my son. Send it to me whenever you feel like it. I love to read about what you've done."
"Thank you, Lord."
Curiosity got the better of the man and after the call ended on a positive note, he finally asked.
"Who was that, God?"
"He is the fourth person that I brought my offer of writing in his book of life to."
Curiosity soon turned to resentment and the scowl immediately slithered its way onto the man's face. "Why does he have your cellphone number? Do you favour him because of something he has that I don't have?"
"No, my child. He is much less talented than you are. He does not have a stable job or income, nor is he married yet."
"So why is he able to call you? He's just so....normal!"
"My child...you never asked. If you asked, I would have helped you with the book, as and when you like. However, seeing as you want it, I shall leave my number on your table." He wrote the number on a small piece of paper and left it on his desk, as promised.
There was one last person to see, and God quickly made himself known at the residence of the very first teenager He had appeared to, now a man who was currently busy with household chores after being retrenched from work.
"My child, I have come."
Upon seeing him, the man dropped everything and knelt before him. "Lord, I was wrong. I'm sorry for letting go of the responsibility for my own life. I'm sorry for not listening to you-"
God immediately helped him up. "You are forgiven, my child. As long as you have repented, all is well and good. I have come not to ask an apology of you, but to give you a gift."
"What is it, Lord?"
God produced the book of life he had offered the man several years back and replied, "This has been kept for you, my child, and for no other. This opportunity is still yours, and for no other. I extend the book to you once more, child. Will you accept it?"
The man nodded, his eyes moist with emotion, not trusting himself to speak lest he lost his composure. He gingerly took the book from God's hands and stared at it for a long time before finally finding his voice.
"How could I ever deserve this, Lord? Aren't there people out there who deserve this so much more?"
God smiled softly. "My son, that is because I love you. Now, why don't you continue the story, and strive to write the ending?"
--------------------------
Many times, it really feels like we are the writers, and God is the editor. Of course, Him being omnipotent takes all the fun out of the surprises we might have in store for any human editor looking at our life stories, but that's just God.
-Sometimes, like the first teenager, we refuse to believe and reject the notion that we should be putting in effort or simply fear the repercussions of taking a strange new path. But God is there for us, and can help to bring us back to Him. He might even be knocking on the doors of our hearts constantly, a soft, constant side, hoping that we'll open up to let him in to fellowship with us.
-At others, some of us might feel like the second teenager. Full of passion and zeal, ready to do the things God has asked us to do, but ultimately failing because our enthusiasm overwhelmed all else, including His voice. Eventually the passion wears off. We get confused, unsure. Sometimes we even fall away because of the lack of belief.
-The third teenager is extremely talented, yet chooses to go his own way. This refers directly to a few people I know, though I won't speak of their names. Strange situation, yet true. Talented, given an opportunity or a dream or a vision, but in the end, meeting with obstacles, difficulties, trials and tribulations. Feeling that the current situation runs a contradictory course to what God has promised us, and simply falling away and refusing to trust in Him, instead relying on our own abilities.
Talents and abilities can take us very, very far. But there's only a certain amount of distance we can travel before those things run out of gas. If so, perhaps it's time to dial the number God has left behind for us. Start picking up the Bible again. Start praying again. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to us.
-The fourth is a personal favorite, because it depicts a teenager who, despite his lack of ability, his lack of faith, his doubt and the uncertainty he faced, still goes through with what God has offered to him. More than that, he deign it necessary to get closer to God, to know his number so that he knows what he should do, or what he should be editing for the story to turn out well.
All the fourth had was obedience. Eventually leading to faith, and confidence.
I know perfectly which one I am right now, but the situation's tight. Pressed in from all sides, I wonder if I'll ever get through this. Having to deal with the past isn't easy, especially if God wants me to be cleansed thoroughly.
In effect, it isn't as easy as saying 'don't worry too much' or 'you're thinking too much'. It's good to hear people trying to encourage or comfort in that way, even if it was just one sentence, but ultimately it's not about my desire to think about it. Who likes to think about negative stuff?
God approached the first one. "My son, I was wondering if you would like to start writing in your own book of life."
The first teenager was startled. "But God, aren't you the one who writes it out for us? Didn't you have everything planned for us already?"
"That I do, for I know everything that has happened, is happening and will be happening in your life, but do you want to write your own story for the future?"
Tentatively, the teenager took the hardcover book from God's hands and opened it. Though it looked small, the pages never seem to end when the teenager flipped through it. The first several dozen pages of the book were filled with every single moment of his life, described in good detail, but when he came to the end of those pages, everything else was blank.
"No...No, that is wrong. Aren't you supposed to be the one? I can't do it. I won't do it....This is too much for me!" As he spoke, the teenager fled from God's sight.
God then approached the second. ""My daughter, I was wondering if you would like to start writing in your own book of life."
"Of course!" The second teenager almost jumped in delight upon hearing that. Just as the first teenager did, she flipped through the pages once through, but kept the book with her.
"Yes, I would love to write in it!" Without another word, she rushed off happily, unable to contain her excitement at what would essentially mean that she could create a perfect life for herself.
God came to the third one, who also had the same reaction as the second teenager, a boy gifted in many areas, including writing. The fourth, however, looked unsure when God asked of him the same thing about writing in his book of life.
"Lord, I'm sorry for doubting, but why do you ask of us to write in our own books?"
"My son, that is something that I'll tell you eventually. For now, are you willing to do as I ask?"
"Of course...But is there a way I can contact you?"
"Why do you need my contact?"
"In case there's anything I don't know, Lord...Or in case I make some mistakes with my writing."
God then gave him a number to call, and the fourth teenager thanked him as he left.
Several years later, God decided to check up on the teenagers who had been offered the chance to write their lives out. He appeared before the second teenager, who is sitting in one of the alleyways in the slums of the city.. She looked at him first in surprise, then with suspicion.
"....Who are you?"
God replied. "It is I, the one who first gave you the opportunity to write your life out in the book. I have come to see your progress."
"Oh, that thing...Left it somewhere at home, I think. No idea where I put it."
"What happened?"
"I've no idea, Mister. Halfway through somethin' screwed up, I guess. No inspiration, no energy to keep it up because of daily stuff. Stupid people in my life here and there, and doesn't feel like I got anyone to ask for help from."
At the same time, God made his way to the third teenager, now a single parent. God found him angrily punishing his children for dirtying the floor accidentally. As he approached, the young man turned around and scowled.
"What do you want?"
"My son, how goes your writing in the book of life?"
"Oh, that...It's been good, I feel. It's just that sometimes it doesn't tally. You gave me a faulty book, damn it."
"What of it that does not tally?"
"Whatever I write in it, most of it does not tally. Even though I tried time and again to believe in what I written, many times it just doesn't come true, so I decided to depend on myself instead. I've got talent, anyway."
"Then why is it that you scold your children so vehemently for the slightest mistake?"
"Shouldn't you be asking yourself that question? If not for my talents and abilities, I would be rotting on the streets. If not for my assertiveness, that bitch would have taken custody of my two children a long time back. If not for my abilities..."
As the man continued ranting, God's cellphone rang. He waited a short while before picking it up.
"Yes?"
"Lord? Is it okay if I send the book to you again for editing?"
"Of course, my son. Send it to me whenever you feel like it. I love to read about what you've done."
"Thank you, Lord."
Curiosity got the better of the man and after the call ended on a positive note, he finally asked.
"Who was that, God?"
"He is the fourth person that I brought my offer of writing in his book of life to."
Curiosity soon turned to resentment and the scowl immediately slithered its way onto the man's face. "Why does he have your cellphone number? Do you favour him because of something he has that I don't have?"
"No, my child. He is much less talented than you are. He does not have a stable job or income, nor is he married yet."
"So why is he able to call you? He's just so....normal!"
"My child...you never asked. If you asked, I would have helped you with the book, as and when you like. However, seeing as you want it, I shall leave my number on your table." He wrote the number on a small piece of paper and left it on his desk, as promised.
There was one last person to see, and God quickly made himself known at the residence of the very first teenager He had appeared to, now a man who was currently busy with household chores after being retrenched from work.
"My child, I have come."
Upon seeing him, the man dropped everything and knelt before him. "Lord, I was wrong. I'm sorry for letting go of the responsibility for my own life. I'm sorry for not listening to you-"
God immediately helped him up. "You are forgiven, my child. As long as you have repented, all is well and good. I have come not to ask an apology of you, but to give you a gift."
"What is it, Lord?"
God produced the book of life he had offered the man several years back and replied, "This has been kept for you, my child, and for no other. This opportunity is still yours, and for no other. I extend the book to you once more, child. Will you accept it?"
The man nodded, his eyes moist with emotion, not trusting himself to speak lest he lost his composure. He gingerly took the book from God's hands and stared at it for a long time before finally finding his voice.
"How could I ever deserve this, Lord? Aren't there people out there who deserve this so much more?"
God smiled softly. "My son, that is because I love you. Now, why don't you continue the story, and strive to write the ending?"
--------------------------
Many times, it really feels like we are the writers, and God is the editor. Of course, Him being omnipotent takes all the fun out of the surprises we might have in store for any human editor looking at our life stories, but that's just God.
-Sometimes, like the first teenager, we refuse to believe and reject the notion that we should be putting in effort or simply fear the repercussions of taking a strange new path. But God is there for us, and can help to bring us back to Him. He might even be knocking on the doors of our hearts constantly, a soft, constant side, hoping that we'll open up to let him in to fellowship with us.
-At others, some of us might feel like the second teenager. Full of passion and zeal, ready to do the things God has asked us to do, but ultimately failing because our enthusiasm overwhelmed all else, including His voice. Eventually the passion wears off. We get confused, unsure. Sometimes we even fall away because of the lack of belief.
-The third teenager is extremely talented, yet chooses to go his own way. This refers directly to a few people I know, though I won't speak of their names. Strange situation, yet true. Talented, given an opportunity or a dream or a vision, but in the end, meeting with obstacles, difficulties, trials and tribulations. Feeling that the current situation runs a contradictory course to what God has promised us, and simply falling away and refusing to trust in Him, instead relying on our own abilities.
Talents and abilities can take us very, very far. But there's only a certain amount of distance we can travel before those things run out of gas. If so, perhaps it's time to dial the number God has left behind for us. Start picking up the Bible again. Start praying again. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to us.
-The fourth is a personal favorite, because it depicts a teenager who, despite his lack of ability, his lack of faith, his doubt and the uncertainty he faced, still goes through with what God has offered to him. More than that, he deign it necessary to get closer to God, to know his number so that he knows what he should do, or what he should be editing for the story to turn out well.
All the fourth had was obedience. Eventually leading to faith, and confidence.
I know perfectly which one I am right now, but the situation's tight. Pressed in from all sides, I wonder if I'll ever get through this. Having to deal with the past isn't easy, especially if God wants me to be cleansed thoroughly.
In effect, it isn't as easy as saying 'don't worry too much' or 'you're thinking too much'. It's good to hear people trying to encourage or comfort in that way, even if it was just one sentence, but ultimately it's not about my desire to think about it. Who likes to think about negative stuff?
It's a need.
I have to face them.
I need to face them.
And stop running away from them.
So rather than focusing on the possible things God has for me, perhaps it's more feasible to adjust my line of sight back down to earth, take on the sandstorms of the desert and draw the sword God has given to me to slay the giants in my path.
So many giants....Where's my ending? Where's the golden-paved road leading away from the limitless expanse of dryness and heat? Where's the hope? Will I ever feel so terrible at being ignored or left out again? Will I always face the same kind of trials throughout my life?
God knows.
As much as it feels terrible and that it's really a hard time for me, let's just say that perhaps these are my biggest trials I've ever faced, with every single thing from the past assailing me. I don't know if you understand, but I hope you can at least empathise and put up with any possible nonsense coming from me for the next....for the time being.
Who knows when this is going to end?
God does.
Just have to keep trusting in him and try to keep on keeping on, no matter what.
~ "When grey clouds cover your horizons, always remember that blue skies await behind." ~
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Chronicles of iridescence, Chapter 50: Elijah Break
Intending to take a break from blogging. Reasons?
1) Mostly negative things, even though the posts pick up a positive note at the end, saying them out means a few things - That I'm ultimately being negative, that I'm being whiny, complaining, not worthy of being a man because I have these things going on and I can't solve them quickly. While Man looks at the outward appearance, thankfully God looks at the heart. When I'm hurt, He knows. When I'm going to be fine, He knows it too. Maybe I won't feel so alone eventually.
2) No one really looks at this blog or cares about the content. I suppose the first issue is with my writing style. Arrogant as it sounds, not many understand what I'm writing (Does that mean I've reached a higher state of consciousness? That would be SO interesting...). Besides, writing about the mundane, daily life is really boring, so damn if I do, damn if I don't.
The second, is that hardly anyone knows what's going on, or maybe think it too....dangerous to share? Maybe some of you are scared I'll eat you up or something. Don't know what to make of that, sadly. Or maybe I'm just being too unrealistic, that despite being in families, the culture is such that we don't pry. I tried to ask nicely and show some concern on a few occasions, but apparently that could constitute as prying.
3) Time better spent elsewhere. Haven't been having much of a muse these days, so not many stories, even though I'm currently working on a short one. Don't get comments for those either, and the ones I got....Could have been more...detailed? Details shows that one is interested. (Sorry if your heart is interested, but displays of it tells Man such as me that you really are).
Lack of comments, lack of concern shown...Little, little things like this add up, and it's these little things that ultimately put people down. Before anyone comes a-swinging with the rod again, let me remind you that I'm also a human. Do you hit a person who has stumbled, or do you give him a hand or a staff to lean on?
4) Details. Certain things are getting a little too....revealing. It's a matter of time before those who actually cared enough to read the blog know what and who I'm talking about. I don't really care about misunderstandings, because even if I tried, nothing happens. You want to misunderstand? Misunderstand away. Keep it from yourself, run away from the problems instead of facing up to it. Be my guest. Eventually it will hurt for both parties, but both have to make a decision. You know me (actually, most of you don't, but for grammar's sake...). I'm willing to make that decision over and over again. Are you?
Maybe I'll still blog a bit, but the Chronicles shall end here for now. I'm too tired to continue it like this. Whatever that will crop up will probably be poems, stories and maybe grainy photos from my phone camera.
For now, I'll be taking that break like Elijah had, when he was being pursued by a king for helping them bring rain over the drought-hit nation. I'm no miracle worker yet, sadly, but the rest is much needed.
As the Exel of this blog, I bid you goodbye. Maybe when I feel that hope is back up, we'll meet again....
1) Mostly negative things, even though the posts pick up a positive note at the end, saying them out means a few things - That I'm ultimately being negative, that I'm being whiny, complaining, not worthy of being a man because I have these things going on and I can't solve them quickly. While Man looks at the outward appearance, thankfully God looks at the heart. When I'm hurt, He knows. When I'm going to be fine, He knows it too. Maybe I won't feel so alone eventually.
2) No one really looks at this blog or cares about the content. I suppose the first issue is with my writing style. Arrogant as it sounds, not many understand what I'm writing (Does that mean I've reached a higher state of consciousness? That would be SO interesting...). Besides, writing about the mundane, daily life is really boring, so damn if I do, damn if I don't.
The second, is that hardly anyone knows what's going on, or maybe think it too....dangerous to share? Maybe some of you are scared I'll eat you up or something. Don't know what to make of that, sadly. Or maybe I'm just being too unrealistic, that despite being in families, the culture is such that we don't pry. I tried to ask nicely and show some concern on a few occasions, but apparently that could constitute as prying.
3) Time better spent elsewhere. Haven't been having much of a muse these days, so not many stories, even though I'm currently working on a short one. Don't get comments for those either, and the ones I got....Could have been more...detailed? Details shows that one is interested. (Sorry if your heart is interested, but displays of it tells Man such as me that you really are).
Lack of comments, lack of concern shown...Little, little things like this add up, and it's these little things that ultimately put people down. Before anyone comes a-swinging with the rod again, let me remind you that I'm also a human. Do you hit a person who has stumbled, or do you give him a hand or a staff to lean on?
4) Details. Certain things are getting a little too....revealing. It's a matter of time before those who actually cared enough to read the blog know what and who I'm talking about. I don't really care about misunderstandings, because even if I tried, nothing happens. You want to misunderstand? Misunderstand away. Keep it from yourself, run away from the problems instead of facing up to it. Be my guest. Eventually it will hurt for both parties, but both have to make a decision. You know me (actually, most of you don't, but for grammar's sake...). I'm willing to make that decision over and over again. Are you?
Maybe I'll still blog a bit, but the Chronicles shall end here for now. I'm too tired to continue it like this. Whatever that will crop up will probably be poems, stories and maybe grainy photos from my phone camera.
For now, I'll be taking that break like Elijah had, when he was being pursued by a king for helping them bring rain over the drought-hit nation. I'm no miracle worker yet, sadly, but the rest is much needed.
As the Exel of this blog, I bid you goodbye. Maybe when I feel that hope is back up, we'll meet again....
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 49: Tired
Just feeling that way.
And I thought it better to express some of it than bottle everything up and have them all explode in one go.
Valley's really long, Desert's getting endless. More so when the heat is on you, and the Egyptians are still on your back, even though they have been pushed back time and again. Worst still....The image of an oasis in front of you lies there tantalizingly, providing hope that can turn out either way.
I won't mince my words - I'm suddenly really tired. Tired of bearing no fruit, no progress. Tired of being or more accurately, feeling rejected over and over again. Tired of constantly talking to people who reply rather than engage in a conversation. Tired of seeing myself make so little progress in several months in relationship building, and yet see others make it to the same level or even higher in a matter of weeks.
Look, I'm sorry....I'm still rather carnal, you see, and my confidence doesn't always stem from God so easily. We are human after all, and seeing failure after failure of a bigger nature than the progress can get really, really discouraging...What with no one there to really try to understand what's going on, either giving advice without truly caring or just not having any response at all. Or maybe they are just insensitive? I have absolutely no idea, and wish not such a judgment upon them, either.
Which is why it makes me exceedingly happy when someone that I know talks to me, just to ask me how I am, rather than ask out of obligation or ask something of me. It's great to help, but....Not every human can bear that kind of routine of being asked, then sometimes not knowing, then made to feel useless, you know?
And it's not like I have an agenda myself when talking to others, too...Sometimes I really just want to talk, to know what's going on, not because someone else asked me to, not because it's mandatory for someone in that position to do that, but because I care. I really do, and I really want to, but what you're showing me....Is nothing, but a freaking huge wall made of adamantium. The facial expressions, the actions, the silence, the lack of responses...It almost feels like YOU were the one that's emotionally shut down, not me.
Feel free to prove me wrong, though. It's only right to do so, since that's the closest I came to making an accusation.
The only positive I managed to take was the renewed vision of the same thing I've been asking for the past several months. All I need, is just one more confirmation, just one more from the Word....And maybe I won't have to worry whether the oasis in front of me is fake or not. Or the green fields. Or the flowers. Or.....that whatever and whoever I saw will really be there.
After all, all the crap that's being shown...Perhaps its so that I can take care of them now so that they won't blow up in my face in the future, tens of thousands of times greater than what I'm experiencing now.
Problem is, they ARE already blown up. Issues from years back, still haunting. Good thing is, they are appearing like nasty little spiders in my life, crawling and skittering across the canvas of my life, threatening to ruin the painting. Tells me it's time to clean the studio in which I'm doing up the painting of my life. Spray the life out of those stupid little critters with the deadliest poison ever or simply smash them with a hammer.
Deal with them now, even though they coincide with the period where it feels like I can make the most out of building the relationships I have and can have.
And when that's done, when I stand up and walk despite the sandstorms, the poisonous creatures and the vastness of the desert, I'll reach those fields of mine.
No, I'm not delusional...Because an unfailing promise has been made to me.
And I intend to trust in Him. Still.
And I thought it better to express some of it than bottle everything up and have them all explode in one go.
Valley's really long, Desert's getting endless. More so when the heat is on you, and the Egyptians are still on your back, even though they have been pushed back time and again. Worst still....The image of an oasis in front of you lies there tantalizingly, providing hope that can turn out either way.
I won't mince my words - I'm suddenly really tired. Tired of bearing no fruit, no progress. Tired of being or more accurately, feeling rejected over and over again. Tired of constantly talking to people who reply rather than engage in a conversation. Tired of seeing myself make so little progress in several months in relationship building, and yet see others make it to the same level or even higher in a matter of weeks.
Look, I'm sorry....I'm still rather carnal, you see, and my confidence doesn't always stem from God so easily. We are human after all, and seeing failure after failure of a bigger nature than the progress can get really, really discouraging...What with no one there to really try to understand what's going on, either giving advice without truly caring or just not having any response at all. Or maybe they are just insensitive? I have absolutely no idea, and wish not such a judgment upon them, either.
Which is why it makes me exceedingly happy when someone that I know talks to me, just to ask me how I am, rather than ask out of obligation or ask something of me. It's great to help, but....Not every human can bear that kind of routine of being asked, then sometimes not knowing, then made to feel useless, you know?
And it's not like I have an agenda myself when talking to others, too...Sometimes I really just want to talk, to know what's going on, not because someone else asked me to, not because it's mandatory for someone in that position to do that, but because I care. I really do, and I really want to, but what you're showing me....Is nothing, but a freaking huge wall made of adamantium. The facial expressions, the actions, the silence, the lack of responses...It almost feels like YOU were the one that's emotionally shut down, not me.
Feel free to prove me wrong, though. It's only right to do so, since that's the closest I came to making an accusation.
The only positive I managed to take was the renewed vision of the same thing I've been asking for the past several months. All I need, is just one more confirmation, just one more from the Word....And maybe I won't have to worry whether the oasis in front of me is fake or not. Or the green fields. Or the flowers. Or.....that whatever and whoever I saw will really be there.
After all, all the crap that's being shown...Perhaps its so that I can take care of them now so that they won't blow up in my face in the future, tens of thousands of times greater than what I'm experiencing now.
Problem is, they ARE already blown up. Issues from years back, still haunting. Good thing is, they are appearing like nasty little spiders in my life, crawling and skittering across the canvas of my life, threatening to ruin the painting. Tells me it's time to clean the studio in which I'm doing up the painting of my life. Spray the life out of those stupid little critters with the deadliest poison ever or simply smash them with a hammer.
Deal with them now, even though they coincide with the period where it feels like I can make the most out of building the relationships I have and can have.
And when that's done, when I stand up and walk despite the sandstorms, the poisonous creatures and the vastness of the desert, I'll reach those fields of mine.
No, I'm not delusional...Because an unfailing promise has been made to me.
And I intend to trust in Him. Still.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 48: Lessons
I flunked them all about how to give up.
Not sure how most people would take this, but it feels positive to me for some reason. This could possibly be one of the first times I ever felt positive about failing at all!
In all honesty, not giving up can go both ways. There are certain things that are probably better off given up, while there are others that aren't. It's not easy to differentiate though, and that's where the ear-pulling, chair-standing and hand-smacking with the ruler comes in.
In the education system of the present, most parents would consider it horrific torture to have their sons and daughters treated this way as though they were prisoners enclosed in a deceptively disguised jail decorated with nice creeds and colorful banners highlighting the achievements of the place, and immediately summon their voices of reason to deal with the insidious interrogators in order to free their beloved children from the clutches of evil.
....Alright, I'm sorry. I just have a penchant for exaggerated stories. But it's fun though...Just that most people can't understand the entertainment behind it. Maybe that's why most writers are misunderstood to be aloof, cold people who prefer to coop themselves up in a cabin high up on the Himalayas to write page after page of nonsensical jargon with-horrors of all horrors-a 17th century quill.
Exaggeration AND digression aside, the lesson on giving up is a hard one. Sometimes we think there's no turning back, and walk the wrong way. Sometimes we give it up, only to discover if we had hung on a little more, just a little more.
Interestingly, there were many times I felt like giving up, and it so happened that when I was feel like that that I saw a tweet from a friend that said something like this:
"When you feel like giving up, remember what and why you hold on for so long in the first place."
That struck me hard, and every now and then you need this kind of things to strike you really hard - sometimes physically, if necessary - to make sure you wake up and return to what you originally fought for for so long. And that was the second hook that woke me up.
The first one, of course, being someone close to me reminding me that I had, in a way, outlasted some to be where I am today. The effort I put in was for a purpose or a goal, and in a way such a time of encouragement told me that I had, in times of uncertainty and trouble, let it slip slightly from my grasp.
Thankfully I got hold of it again, though I might have committed some mistakes today...
But still, at least I'm on the right track. Doubts are still fresh. Rather, they always come back, but at least there's a reassurance so great that I cannot help but weep in joy and disbelief, only to accept that it had to be real. The details are a little intimate, so let's stop here until I allow anyone past my boundaries.
Not that I don't trust people. I do...Which is why I only say some things to certain people, because I know they will keep their word and keep the silence till the time is right to speak or let others know, at their own discretion. Secondly, it feels as though they would understand it better too.
But if you don't ask, then....If there's no first step, how can there be a second?
In His case, it's no longer a ruler. It's a rod. A thick one. Silly as it seems, I'm thankful for the thickness of it, else my stubborn, "He-hor-ing" (complaining) nature would never have seen a change.
Despite the reassurances, I still feel somewhat down, but at least it's just temporary. The hurt has to come. The suffering I have to bear, if for the sake of becoming what I want to be, and what He wants me to be.
It's the moulding process, but I feel like I'm on the verge of something, because the flames from the furnace is already torching my ass. It's going to be real hot when I go into the fire then.
But maybe at that time I can learn how to read the providential activity of God.
I can come forth as a gold vessel, ready to accept the oil and the wine.
Not sure how most people would take this, but it feels positive to me for some reason. This could possibly be one of the first times I ever felt positive about failing at all!
In all honesty, not giving up can go both ways. There are certain things that are probably better off given up, while there are others that aren't. It's not easy to differentiate though, and that's where the ear-pulling, chair-standing and hand-smacking with the ruler comes in.
In the education system of the present, most parents would consider it horrific torture to have their sons and daughters treated this way as though they were prisoners enclosed in a deceptively disguised jail decorated with nice creeds and colorful banners highlighting the achievements of the place, and immediately summon their voices of reason to deal with the insidious interrogators in order to free their beloved children from the clutches of evil.
....Alright, I'm sorry. I just have a penchant for exaggerated stories. But it's fun though...Just that most people can't understand the entertainment behind it. Maybe that's why most writers are misunderstood to be aloof, cold people who prefer to coop themselves up in a cabin high up on the Himalayas to write page after page of nonsensical jargon with-horrors of all horrors-a 17th century quill.
Exaggeration AND digression aside, the lesson on giving up is a hard one. Sometimes we think there's no turning back, and walk the wrong way. Sometimes we give it up, only to discover if we had hung on a little more, just a little more.
Interestingly, there were many times I felt like giving up, and it so happened that when I was feel like that that I saw a tweet from a friend that said something like this:
"When you feel like giving up, remember what and why you hold on for so long in the first place."
That struck me hard, and every now and then you need this kind of things to strike you really hard - sometimes physically, if necessary - to make sure you wake up and return to what you originally fought for for so long. And that was the second hook that woke me up.
The first one, of course, being someone close to me reminding me that I had, in a way, outlasted some to be where I am today. The effort I put in was for a purpose or a goal, and in a way such a time of encouragement told me that I had, in times of uncertainty and trouble, let it slip slightly from my grasp.
Thankfully I got hold of it again, though I might have committed some mistakes today...
But still, at least I'm on the right track. Doubts are still fresh. Rather, they always come back, but at least there's a reassurance so great that I cannot help but weep in joy and disbelief, only to accept that it had to be real. The details are a little intimate, so let's stop here until I allow anyone past my boundaries.
Not that I don't trust people. I do...Which is why I only say some things to certain people, because I know they will keep their word and keep the silence till the time is right to speak or let others know, at their own discretion. Secondly, it feels as though they would understand it better too.
But if you don't ask, then....If there's no first step, how can there be a second?
In His case, it's no longer a ruler. It's a rod. A thick one. Silly as it seems, I'm thankful for the thickness of it, else my stubborn, "He-hor-ing" (complaining) nature would never have seen a change.
Despite the reassurances, I still feel somewhat down, but at least it's just temporary. The hurt has to come. The suffering I have to bear, if for the sake of becoming what I want to be, and what He wants me to be.
It's the moulding process, but I feel like I'm on the verge of something, because the flames from the furnace is already torching my ass. It's going to be real hot when I go into the fire then.
But maybe at that time I can learn how to read the providential activity of God.
I can come forth as a gold vessel, ready to accept the oil and the wine.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 47: meaningful Meaningful
Did a facial today and some shopping. Managed to get a nice pair of loafers/shoes - or whatever you call them - at Pedro's for a 30% discount. =DD Praise the Lord for GSS!!!
Had a good long chat with my aunt - She's the one who did my facial, you see - and surprise surprise...Though I was speaking mostly in monosyllables at the start, conversation about the Bible, about family, about relationships, about past troubles and mainly about God opened up my mouth and brightened up my day quickly.
Coupled with the knowledge from a book about conversations, it was interestingly true that sometimes being a good listener is more important than waxing lyrical on many subjects. In a sense, you can call this 'studying'. It's like poring over tons of books for the next exam in two months' time while not talking or discussing with your fellow classmates about it, especially if it's new material.
In another, appropriate sounds and responses as well as gestures show that you are listening, even if some part of you might indicate you aren't.
And in that, a fruitful discussion soon followed. I find it exceedingly fruitful and fun to talk with my aunt about all the past failures we had and the changes that were put in place. Being the young adult, I did pour out a little on the troubles I have as all young adults would face. I'll leave you to guess what kind and ask me for clarification, or just take it that you are correct. Sadly, usually the latter happens. Haha...
Adding a capital letter often tells us that the word there is the start of a sentence, or that it's a name, obviously something important. In this case, I would think that it's both. Revelation from the talk (or chatter, as you think it to be between relatives) obviously marks new chapters in certain parts of my life, as well as making certain things more important than ever before.
And a new pair of shoes. Hurray! My old pair is wearing out, though I still love them.
------------------
After experiencing an interesting day, I've had doubts answered. Yet there were doubts still that were unconfirmed, things which I thought were wrong to pray about or pray for...But it looks like I have to do that before attempting to clear the stages in my current level.
No, I'm not talking about any game. It's something serious that is to be considered, and sometimes even though the negative words seem to stand out more when I consulted my few close friends and relatives about it, I need to think about the positive things that were said, and that the few things that - according to the Word - lasts forever will always be there for me when I need them.
To tell the truth, those negative things do put me off a little, even if I don't admit it. Who wouldn't be put off? It sometimes feel as though people are denying that you have any chance at all in winning the championship. It sometimes feel as though people are pulling you down through the earth when you haven't even began attempting to fly towards the skies. It sometimes feel as though others feel that even before you try to start, you are going to fail.
Yet on the other hand, I know the advice is well-meaning. Good reality checks are always needed, and frankness the order of the day. If they thought that I'm not ready (which I truly am not ready), then they would tell me. If they thought that I could possibly be setting myself up for a fall, then they would tell me.
Just wished that the positives can come before the negatives more times though. Lesser 'What ifs' that dwelled on the supposed futility of things and certain scenarios...I don't mind them because they provide the earth for which I can rest my feet on rather than put my head in the clouds all day long.
But hearing it over and over and over again...
It does get kinda draining.
Was I too naive in thinking that I could receive a little more encouragement, or perhaps I myself have been dwelling on the negative things? If the latter is true, thank God it isn't as much as it was last time. (You can ignore the former, though, since I probably received enough encouragement already.)
Or perhaps I'm just another smaller cog in the machinery, not the main one?
That's the problem with being too aloof at times and attempting to be different in your earlier days. People shun you even though you can strike up conversations with them. Friends often forget you even though you make them laugh or feel happy or bless them with your talents.
Thank God that has all changed...Or rather, is starting to change. (And if you have the privilege to ever look at my private blog, you will soon know what I'm talking about).
So more than that, I need to retreat into my quiet time. Spend more time talking, listening, receiving from God. Truth to be told, there were certain, really important things in my life right now that I haven't prayed for, because some well-meaning (mostly good, mind you) advice has told me to let go and let God take charge for a while.
Haven't been hearing much about it afterwards, so perhaps it's time to do something new.
Perhaps it's time to put the capital M in the meaningful once more.
Had a good long chat with my aunt - She's the one who did my facial, you see - and surprise surprise...Though I was speaking mostly in monosyllables at the start, conversation about the Bible, about family, about relationships, about past troubles and mainly about God opened up my mouth and brightened up my day quickly.
Coupled with the knowledge from a book about conversations, it was interestingly true that sometimes being a good listener is more important than waxing lyrical on many subjects. In a sense, you can call this 'studying'. It's like poring over tons of books for the next exam in two months' time while not talking or discussing with your fellow classmates about it, especially if it's new material.
In another, appropriate sounds and responses as well as gestures show that you are listening, even if some part of you might indicate you aren't.
And in that, a fruitful discussion soon followed. I find it exceedingly fruitful and fun to talk with my aunt about all the past failures we had and the changes that were put in place. Being the young adult, I did pour out a little on the troubles I have as all young adults would face. I'll leave you to guess what kind and ask me for clarification, or just take it that you are correct. Sadly, usually the latter happens. Haha...
Adding a capital letter often tells us that the word there is the start of a sentence, or that it's a name, obviously something important. In this case, I would think that it's both. Revelation from the talk (or chatter, as you think it to be between relatives) obviously marks new chapters in certain parts of my life, as well as making certain things more important than ever before.
And a new pair of shoes. Hurray! My old pair is wearing out, though I still love them.
------------------
After experiencing an interesting day, I've had doubts answered. Yet there were doubts still that were unconfirmed, things which I thought were wrong to pray about or pray for...But it looks like I have to do that before attempting to clear the stages in my current level.
No, I'm not talking about any game. It's something serious that is to be considered, and sometimes even though the negative words seem to stand out more when I consulted my few close friends and relatives about it, I need to think about the positive things that were said, and that the few things that - according to the Word - lasts forever will always be there for me when I need them.
To tell the truth, those negative things do put me off a little, even if I don't admit it. Who wouldn't be put off? It sometimes feel as though people are denying that you have any chance at all in winning the championship. It sometimes feel as though people are pulling you down through the earth when you haven't even began attempting to fly towards the skies. It sometimes feel as though others feel that even before you try to start, you are going to fail.
Yet on the other hand, I know the advice is well-meaning. Good reality checks are always needed, and frankness the order of the day. If they thought that I'm not ready (which I truly am not ready), then they would tell me. If they thought that I could possibly be setting myself up for a fall, then they would tell me.
Just wished that the positives can come before the negatives more times though. Lesser 'What ifs' that dwelled on the supposed futility of things and certain scenarios...I don't mind them because they provide the earth for which I can rest my feet on rather than put my head in the clouds all day long.
But hearing it over and over and over again...
It does get kinda draining.
Was I too naive in thinking that I could receive a little more encouragement, or perhaps I myself have been dwelling on the negative things? If the latter is true, thank God it isn't as much as it was last time. (You can ignore the former, though, since I probably received enough encouragement already.)
Or perhaps I'm just another smaller cog in the machinery, not the main one?
That's the problem with being too aloof at times and attempting to be different in your earlier days. People shun you even though you can strike up conversations with them. Friends often forget you even though you make them laugh or feel happy or bless them with your talents.
Thank God that has all changed...Or rather, is starting to change. (And if you have the privilege to ever look at my private blog, you will soon know what I'm talking about).
So more than that, I need to retreat into my quiet time. Spend more time talking, listening, receiving from God. Truth to be told, there were certain, really important things in my life right now that I haven't prayed for, because some well-meaning (mostly good, mind you) advice has told me to let go and let God take charge for a while.
Haven't been hearing much about it afterwards, so perhaps it's time to do something new.
Perhaps it's time to put the capital M in the meaningful once more.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 46: Hardships and Hardheads
*WARNING*: FRUSTRATION POST AHEAD.
There you have it...So if you have really been following this blog at all, at least you know when to turn off the browser window.
Regret, gloom, frustration.
Been battling with these three emotions for as long as I've been self-aware, meaning that it's the time where I have some inkling of an idea of where I'm headed towards and what my core purposes in life are.
Today is a good day. It really is. But ultimately, it left me feeling rather glum.
Things that seemed so mundane to everyone, perhaps even to me, and things that happened for the past few days and weeks...The accumulation of them all can be rather devastating if you don't take care of it or guard your own heart jealously.
Simple things like not getting replies, like feeling I'm still not part of the group, like being unable to learn and grasp hold of things quickly....Sometimes even feeling like I'm not really needed to liven up an atmosphere.
Sometimes it feels like I needn't bother about working hard in certain issues, because the common sense that has accompanied me for my teenage years tells me that it's fruitless, that I'm chasing after a lost cause or a dream that would be shattered into a million pieces like a flower made of glass thrown upon the cold, hard surface of the reality about society and human hearts.
But one quality or characteristic I have that helps me stay sane throughout this period proves to be the one of the most irritating ones, even to myself.
Hardheadedness.
I refuse to believe in giving up, something I have done repeatedly when I was a teenager. However, when my foray into becoming a school athlete (and thus gain recognition from parents, friends and girls alike AT THAT TIME) failed, the hardheadedness (a nicer word would be determination) vaporised.
In other words, that's my key excuse for seemingly always talking about 'my' experiences, or 'I' have done this or 'I' have done that. Call it delayed Attention-seeking personality disorder if you will.
It's getting to be quite the problem. At least for me. I'm not sure if other people think like that as well, since I often feel ignored, or left out, and attempt to talk whatever and whenever I can, which can sometimes ultimately result in putting others off and the cutting of conversation, even in a group....So if you're reading this and even if it's really hard, I hope you understand.
Back on topic. Basically that's it. I'm a donkey, though not the best of them all. Still, That's what I am, in more ways than one. I won't give up. Can't give up, because I certainly did not work so hard just to fall behind and away now, even though things aren't going my way.
There's always the possibility of taking shortcuts, of course...Like giving up A to pursue B if both can supposedly give you a similar sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. But what's the point of all that hard work, then? What's the point of building it up, only to rush into things, make a hash of it and see your own hard work crumble or having to take a shortcut that would leave you feeling empty in the end?
It's the same, if not similar, for everything. For friendship, for love, for creative endeavours, for knowledge gathering, for wisdom increment...Everything.
And I do know that when Hardheads clash with Hardships, it's really, really going to be very painful and arduous.
But what the heck....It will definitely get better in the end.
I just know it.
There you have it...So if you have really been following this blog at all, at least you know when to turn off the browser window.
Regret, gloom, frustration.
Been battling with these three emotions for as long as I've been self-aware, meaning that it's the time where I have some inkling of an idea of where I'm headed towards and what my core purposes in life are.
Today is a good day. It really is. But ultimately, it left me feeling rather glum.
Things that seemed so mundane to everyone, perhaps even to me, and things that happened for the past few days and weeks...The accumulation of them all can be rather devastating if you don't take care of it or guard your own heart jealously.
Simple things like not getting replies, like feeling I'm still not part of the group, like being unable to learn and grasp hold of things quickly....Sometimes even feeling like I'm not really needed to liven up an atmosphere.
Sometimes it feels like I needn't bother about working hard in certain issues, because the common sense that has accompanied me for my teenage years tells me that it's fruitless, that I'm chasing after a lost cause or a dream that would be shattered into a million pieces like a flower made of glass thrown upon the cold, hard surface of the reality about society and human hearts.
But one quality or characteristic I have that helps me stay sane throughout this period proves to be the one of the most irritating ones, even to myself.
Hardheadedness.
I refuse to believe in giving up, something I have done repeatedly when I was a teenager. However, when my foray into becoming a school athlete (and thus gain recognition from parents, friends and girls alike AT THAT TIME) failed, the hardheadedness (a nicer word would be determination) vaporised.
In other words, that's my key excuse for seemingly always talking about 'my' experiences, or 'I' have done this or 'I' have done that. Call it delayed Attention-seeking personality disorder if you will.
It's getting to be quite the problem. At least for me. I'm not sure if other people think like that as well, since I often feel ignored, or left out, and attempt to talk whatever and whenever I can, which can sometimes ultimately result in putting others off and the cutting of conversation, even in a group....So if you're reading this and even if it's really hard, I hope you understand.
Back on topic. Basically that's it. I'm a donkey, though not the best of them all. Still, That's what I am, in more ways than one. I won't give up. Can't give up, because I certainly did not work so hard just to fall behind and away now, even though things aren't going my way.
There's always the possibility of taking shortcuts, of course...Like giving up A to pursue B if both can supposedly give you a similar sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. But what's the point of all that hard work, then? What's the point of building it up, only to rush into things, make a hash of it and see your own hard work crumble or having to take a shortcut that would leave you feeling empty in the end?
It's the same, if not similar, for everything. For friendship, for love, for creative endeavours, for knowledge gathering, for wisdom increment...Everything.
And I do know that when Hardheads clash with Hardships, it's really, really going to be very painful and arduous.
But what the heck....It will definitely get better in the end.
I just know it.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 45: Of Patterns and Dreams
It's interesting to note that while we don't know most of the time why certain things happen, there's a pattern to them.
It so happens, though, that the pattern is rather...lopsided for me right now.
For God, the blessing usually comes after a long period of barrenness.
Things don't happen at all during these times. Nothing seems to work. Dreams and visions are taken away or blurred (as is the case currently), prayers don't feel as though they were being answered. People ignore you, your effects go unrecognized and worse still, sometimes it doesn't even seem to matter if you try at all or not while at others, it seems like you moved forward a little, and suddenly, you're abruptly back to square one. Sometimes no matter what you do, it just isn't good enough. It just doesn't work.
But after that, the blessing rains down upon you.
Changes, no matter how minute, occur. Things that place you closer to the next level start falling into place, even though square one still doesn't seem so far behind. You start feeling that the prayers are heard. You start seeing old and new dreams and visions, some of them with modifications that cannot be explained by the human mind and logic. Suddenly you realise that people have been taking notice of you, just that they don't really speak out. But when they do, you feel so, so encouraged and loved.
Conversely, the Devil also attempts to work the same way.
Right after a bout of blessing, or after a dream is given, or after hope is renewed, he always attempts to put doubt. Is this really what you want? Are you sure you efforts are going to bear any fruition? Look at this person! He doesn't even answer you! Look at that person! She isn't even interested in you! Look at yourself! You call yourself a Christian? A human? How little you are, and yet you still attempt to take on so many things beyond your capabilities?
Give it up!
In both situations, the things said are different. It is sometimes difficult to identify which is the trial, and which is the doubt....Though the ultimate difference seems to be the traces of accusation found in either.
Trials have little accusations, while Doubt is obviously full of it.
Sometimes you are met with silence in Trials. Met with your own doubts about the abilities you have to fulfill certain things or pass certain trials or attain certain...dreams. But ultimately there is no prevalent, accusatory voice in all those.
Having been through tumultous times and looking back at them, before losing control, there would always be accusations abound.
And though God is good, the trials come hard and fast too....Perhaps because I prayed for it, and He gave it to me.
Just not directly.
Moulding takes time. Moulding takes effort. Moulding requires sacrifice and pain and discomfort to be felt.
And I'm actually thankful for that moulding right now...Even though it hurts sometimes.
It so happens, though, that the pattern is rather...lopsided for me right now.
For God, the blessing usually comes after a long period of barrenness.
Things don't happen at all during these times. Nothing seems to work. Dreams and visions are taken away or blurred (as is the case currently), prayers don't feel as though they were being answered. People ignore you, your effects go unrecognized and worse still, sometimes it doesn't even seem to matter if you try at all or not while at others, it seems like you moved forward a little, and suddenly, you're abruptly back to square one. Sometimes no matter what you do, it just isn't good enough. It just doesn't work.
But after that, the blessing rains down upon you.
Changes, no matter how minute, occur. Things that place you closer to the next level start falling into place, even though square one still doesn't seem so far behind. You start feeling that the prayers are heard. You start seeing old and new dreams and visions, some of them with modifications that cannot be explained by the human mind and logic. Suddenly you realise that people have been taking notice of you, just that they don't really speak out. But when they do, you feel so, so encouraged and loved.
Conversely, the Devil also attempts to work the same way.
Right after a bout of blessing, or after a dream is given, or after hope is renewed, he always attempts to put doubt. Is this really what you want? Are you sure you efforts are going to bear any fruition? Look at this person! He doesn't even answer you! Look at that person! She isn't even interested in you! Look at yourself! You call yourself a Christian? A human? How little you are, and yet you still attempt to take on so many things beyond your capabilities?
Give it up!
In both situations, the things said are different. It is sometimes difficult to identify which is the trial, and which is the doubt....Though the ultimate difference seems to be the traces of accusation found in either.
Trials have little accusations, while Doubt is obviously full of it.
Sometimes you are met with silence in Trials. Met with your own doubts about the abilities you have to fulfill certain things or pass certain trials or attain certain...dreams. But ultimately there is no prevalent, accusatory voice in all those.
Having been through tumultous times and looking back at them, before losing control, there would always be accusations abound.
And though God is good, the trials come hard and fast too....Perhaps because I prayed for it, and He gave it to me.
Just not directly.
Moulding takes time. Moulding takes effort. Moulding requires sacrifice and pain and discomfort to be felt.
And I'm actually thankful for that moulding right now...Even though it hurts sometimes.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 44: Helpfully Hapless
Don't ask why.
It just suddenly feels like there are a lot of things going on right now, all around me. Some even to me.
Thank God I could deal with some of them, but for those that I can't do much about, I feel really...
Hapless.
Like a babe who has yet learned to swim, yet being surrounded by expanses of water. Like a man who knew not the direction, yet being in the midst of a thorny maze. Like the elderly who could not remember where he was, yet had to make his way down the stairs to get the medicine for his heart condition.
Utterly hapless.
I wonder if Edward felt that way when Bella was freezing miserably in the tent during a snowstorm. I wonder if Jacob felt like that as well when all he could do was protect her instead of being the person he wanted to be to Bella. (Both scenarios are from Twilight: Eclipse)
I wonder if I'm feeling as hapless as they did in the movie/novel.
The most pressing issues for me can't be shared, unfortunately, even though this has turned out to be more personal a blog than I intended it to be. There involve not just myself, but also others. Things that I have sworn (okay, maybe not that drastic, more like promise...) secrecy to cannot be revealed, though a few people others might know about it and perhaps are concerned in their own way.
Not worried, no...Because time and again I've always decided that things will turn out fine, somehow. I'm just concerned, and even more so when I realise that despite what I feel, I can't do much, even if I really, really want to. I'm not in the situation where I can do much.
Ultimately, I guess it's up to God, and the people involved. Decisions must be made. As it was mentioned earlier this week, Self Renewal is needed before everything can fall in place. I just hope that this might somehow help people to do that, or perhaps even to encourage them, even though the cynical voices would snort and say, "Who are you kidding? No one's reading this?"
But I believe that somehow my efforts and feelings can be transmitted to the people who might need them. I've been encouraged, helped and edified.
Just want to do the same for everyone. For them. For you.
After all, it's really better to give than to receive, and I firmly believe in being blessed to be a blessing, in whatever way possible.
If my or any other people's human efforts fail, then gotta wait patiently for to God move. Mightily. Refreshing, renewing and restoring you and you and you and I.
It just suddenly feels like there are a lot of things going on right now, all around me. Some even to me.
Thank God I could deal with some of them, but for those that I can't do much about, I feel really...
Hapless.
Like a babe who has yet learned to swim, yet being surrounded by expanses of water. Like a man who knew not the direction, yet being in the midst of a thorny maze. Like the elderly who could not remember where he was, yet had to make his way down the stairs to get the medicine for his heart condition.
Utterly hapless.
I wonder if Edward felt that way when Bella was freezing miserably in the tent during a snowstorm. I wonder if Jacob felt like that as well when all he could do was protect her instead of being the person he wanted to be to Bella. (Both scenarios are from Twilight: Eclipse)
I wonder if I'm feeling as hapless as they did in the movie/novel.
The most pressing issues for me can't be shared, unfortunately, even though this has turned out to be more personal a blog than I intended it to be. There involve not just myself, but also others. Things that I have sworn (okay, maybe not that drastic, more like promise...) secrecy to cannot be revealed, though a few people others might know about it and perhaps are concerned in their own way.
Not worried, no...Because time and again I've always decided that things will turn out fine, somehow. I'm just concerned, and even more so when I realise that despite what I feel, I can't do much, even if I really, really want to. I'm not in the situation where I can do much.
Ultimately, I guess it's up to God, and the people involved. Decisions must be made. As it was mentioned earlier this week, Self Renewal is needed before everything can fall in place. I just hope that this might somehow help people to do that, or perhaps even to encourage them, even though the cynical voices would snort and say, "Who are you kidding? No one's reading this?"
But I believe that somehow my efforts and feelings can be transmitted to the people who might need them. I've been encouraged, helped and edified.
Just want to do the same for everyone. For them. For you.
After all, it's really better to give than to receive, and I firmly believe in being blessed to be a blessing, in whatever way possible.
If my or any other people's human efforts fail, then gotta wait patiently for to God move. Mightily. Refreshing, renewing and restoring you and you and you and I.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 43: Eclipsing the Struggle
If you wonder about the title, it simply means that I've went ahead to watch that.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen (maybe 'fellow netizens' would be a safer term, though), I'm talking about none other than Twilight: Eclipse. Watched it today after a grueling three hours window shopping (though I did eventually buy DVDs that I didn't really need, but should provide plenty of entertainment and opportunities to exchange with other friends) and having a great meal at Cafe Cartel with my usher section friends (Love ya guys!! Even if you aren't reading this. =D)
Movie wasn't as bad as I thought, though I bet many people can't wait to disagree with me depending on whatever helps them rate the movie. I have to admit, the cast was selected very well. Never seen the second movie, but I got a gist of it from newspaper reviews, forum posts and the dialogue from characters during the third one.
Nothing spectacular about the storyline or ground breaking for plot, but it was a nice execution. There was more action this time round (perhaps there was already more in New Moon, but I haven't watched it, so yeah), making it a little more balanced rather than just carrying it on with dialogue filled with saccharine sweet nothings, something that definitely was never in lack at any point in time.
Still, I found meaningful things, like how Bella and Charlie communicated, and how the awkwardness was played out when they touched on certain topics (Loved the part about Charlie asking Belle if she was still....a virgin), how Bella and Mom communicated, and how Bella and Jacob interacted. The tone used, the usage of kinesics a.k.a body language for the characters as well as the words...Not bad.
Another thing that entertained me were the verbal jabs and obvious signs of jealousy and rivalry between Werewolf Hunk (Jacob) and Vampire Dude (Edward). A titter here and there punctuated the theatre, echoing certain thoughts on how humorous it can seem at times, especially the one where the two of them had a little HTH talk.
Edward: "You know, if you weren't my mortal enemy and if you weren't trying to talk away my reason for existence, we might have been great friends."
Jacob: "You know, if you weren't going to suck the life out of the person I love and if....Ah, forget it."
Something along those lines, so this doesn't constitute as too much of a spoiler, hopefully. =P
And that struck me as funny, because in our terms, it is clear who is more mature and who has experienced more things. One could say that Edward has a clear, even unfair advantage in that, but it really depends...Because he also has plenty of disadvantages, things that Jacob simply can't wait to point out.
If there was anything I want to praise the characters for continuously, it's the gentlemanly spirit Edward showed throughout the entire movie (perhaps the entire three movies even, though his overprotective tendencies can be a little tedious to watch). Now that kind of a man, with those looks, with that charisma, with that spirit of caring for the one he loves so much that he's willing even to sacrifice his own feelings for her...Not sure if we can find more than fifty of them in this country.
Myself excluded. Just for now, I hope. =)
But it's definitely something we can all learn from. Like what I've always thought: Even in entertainment, there's always a lesson to learn.
-------------------------------
Today was really fun. Talked about all kinds of stuff with usher friends, and very so nearly became the topic of gossip till someone else cut in.
Never have I been so grateful for the interruption, because that was a sensitive topic that always gets me stammering like a five year-old attempting limericks even adults couldn't do.
But no worries...I'll share in due time, though it might not be as interesting as they think it would be. When the time is right.
in any case, it really did eclipse the struggles I've been having the past few days...Things that are a little personal right now, but again will be shared with certain people in due time.
What I can say, though, is that confusion, frustration, shame and disappointment are the negative emotions I've felt.
Not that I'm completely struck down, because though I may stumble, I will not fall. Though I may really need that kind of 'do or die' resolve for certain things.
Because what we do not treasure, we will lose.
I don't want to lose those things. Emotions. Opportunities. Hopes. Passion.
More than that, I don't want to lose the dreams. Dreams that I have for certain things, and dreams that were given to me. More than ever before, I really do need to start learning how to see God's providential activity. That - as a good friend said - though we do not see Him there, it does not mean he isn't there.
He's moving, working, always.
He loves us, always.
And as I've heard quite a number of people mention, love ultimately triumphs over all.
Even Edward and Bella had shown that time and again in the show, and definitely in the novels.
So....What do I do, then, when there's inactivity and irritation?
Two things to remember:
1) I prayed for patience, so there you have inactivity and irritation to make me MORE patient.
2) Love triumphs over all, in the end. So just gotta keep loving God and loving people, whoever they are to me.
So....Anyone up for another movie with romance and preferably comedy with that? =))
Yes, ladies and gentlemen (maybe 'fellow netizens' would be a safer term, though), I'm talking about none other than Twilight: Eclipse. Watched it today after a grueling three hours window shopping (though I did eventually buy DVDs that I didn't really need, but should provide plenty of entertainment and opportunities to exchange with other friends) and having a great meal at Cafe Cartel with my usher section friends (Love ya guys!! Even if you aren't reading this. =D)
Movie wasn't as bad as I thought, though I bet many people can't wait to disagree with me depending on whatever helps them rate the movie. I have to admit, the cast was selected very well. Never seen the second movie, but I got a gist of it from newspaper reviews, forum posts and the dialogue from characters during the third one.
Nothing spectacular about the storyline or ground breaking for plot, but it was a nice execution. There was more action this time round (perhaps there was already more in New Moon, but I haven't watched it, so yeah), making it a little more balanced rather than just carrying it on with dialogue filled with saccharine sweet nothings, something that definitely was never in lack at any point in time.
Still, I found meaningful things, like how Bella and Charlie communicated, and how the awkwardness was played out when they touched on certain topics (Loved the part about Charlie asking Belle if she was still....a virgin), how Bella and Mom communicated, and how Bella and Jacob interacted. The tone used, the usage of kinesics a.k.a body language for the characters as well as the words...Not bad.
Another thing that entertained me were the verbal jabs and obvious signs of jealousy and rivalry between Werewolf Hunk (Jacob) and Vampire Dude (Edward). A titter here and there punctuated the theatre, echoing certain thoughts on how humorous it can seem at times, especially the one where the two of them had a little HTH talk.
Edward: "You know, if you weren't my mortal enemy and if you weren't trying to talk away my reason for existence, we might have been great friends."
Jacob: "You know, if you weren't going to suck the life out of the person I love and if....Ah, forget it."
Something along those lines, so this doesn't constitute as too much of a spoiler, hopefully. =P
And that struck me as funny, because in our terms, it is clear who is more mature and who has experienced more things. One could say that Edward has a clear, even unfair advantage in that, but it really depends...Because he also has plenty of disadvantages, things that Jacob simply can't wait to point out.
If there was anything I want to praise the characters for continuously, it's the gentlemanly spirit Edward showed throughout the entire movie (perhaps the entire three movies even, though his overprotective tendencies can be a little tedious to watch). Now that kind of a man, with those looks, with that charisma, with that spirit of caring for the one he loves so much that he's willing even to sacrifice his own feelings for her...Not sure if we can find more than fifty of them in this country.
Myself excluded. Just for now, I hope. =)
But it's definitely something we can all learn from. Like what I've always thought: Even in entertainment, there's always a lesson to learn.
-------------------------------
Today was really fun. Talked about all kinds of stuff with usher friends, and very so nearly became the topic of gossip till someone else cut in.
Never have I been so grateful for the interruption, because that was a sensitive topic that always gets me stammering like a five year-old attempting limericks even adults couldn't do.
But no worries...I'll share in due time, though it might not be as interesting as they think it would be. When the time is right.
in any case, it really did eclipse the struggles I've been having the past few days...Things that are a little personal right now, but again will be shared with certain people in due time.
What I can say, though, is that confusion, frustration, shame and disappointment are the negative emotions I've felt.
Not that I'm completely struck down, because though I may stumble, I will not fall. Though I may really need that kind of 'do or die' resolve for certain things.
Because what we do not treasure, we will lose.
I don't want to lose those things. Emotions. Opportunities. Hopes. Passion.
More than that, I don't want to lose the dreams. Dreams that I have for certain things, and dreams that were given to me. More than ever before, I really do need to start learning how to see God's providential activity. That - as a good friend said - though we do not see Him there, it does not mean he isn't there.
He's moving, working, always.
He loves us, always.
And as I've heard quite a number of people mention, love ultimately triumphs over all.
Even Edward and Bella had shown that time and again in the show, and definitely in the novels.
So....What do I do, then, when there's inactivity and irritation?
Two things to remember:
1) I prayed for patience, so there you have inactivity and irritation to make me MORE patient.
2) Love triumphs over all, in the end. So just gotta keep loving God and loving people, whoever they are to me.
So....Anyone up for another movie with romance and preferably comedy with that? =))
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 43: Stagnation Imagination
The dreaded word.
I feel like I've stagnated, somewhat, despite the signs of progress made.
Maybe I need someone to give me a good kick in the behind again, because it seems like whenever I start to rev up, obstacles appear, and I slow down, sometimes grinding to a halt.
Not that only I suffer obstacles to pass. Everyone else does, in one season of their lives or another. I'm just wondering if there can be more to it than there is right now.
Again, I do realise I'm no genius, so I've stopped bashing myself over the head with a sledgehammer about how slow I am in learning things in two weeks, things that usually take others twice or thrice the amount of time.
Thing is, the hammer I'm using now, though not made with a metal head, is still a hammer. Though it's the toy kind. Not too bad....Right?
The only thing that seems as though it's eternally moving is my imagination. Dreams come unbidden, good and bad ones - as my previous post would attest to. Visions still do, though not as clearly. Maybe I might even have lost sight of it till I start moulding one part of my life properly first.
He gives and takes away. All praise to him, all the same.
Because he's only taking it away from me for the time being, so I can concentrate. Why do I know this?
Simple. I just...know. To explain it would be revealing a bit too much, something that I'll only say if you ask. Nicely. If you even read about this, that is. =P
-------------------------
Is it my imagination?
Probably not. After all, I did had that realization long ago. Maybe I'm just in denial, hoping that that isn't really the case. That what I've done is not putting the ammo into the double-barreled shotgun that was meant (and hopefully NOT fated, but by accident) to shoot myself in the foot.
Certain...changes I saw today confirmed that. I think. And that sullen feeling sets in once more.
Was it like that? Could it be that I've helped my own cause onto the path of destruction?
So confusing....Which is why I've decided to put my imagination to better use.
Considering how the fengshui master that came today said that I was very 'straight' (as in direct, frank, unyielding/stubborn), I've decided to just stay true to myself.
Worry not about how circumstances of others can affect you, but how you can overcome them as well as make your own situation better.
Be true.
And let my imagination do the rest in good dreams and visualization. That way, I really won't be distracted....And I can concentrate on the important things to me.
"WAIT for the LORD; Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD." Psalms 27:14
"I will WAIT for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him." Isaiah 8:17
I feel like I've stagnated, somewhat, despite the signs of progress made.
Maybe I need someone to give me a good kick in the behind again, because it seems like whenever I start to rev up, obstacles appear, and I slow down, sometimes grinding to a halt.
Not that only I suffer obstacles to pass. Everyone else does, in one season of their lives or another. I'm just wondering if there can be more to it than there is right now.
Again, I do realise I'm no genius, so I've stopped bashing myself over the head with a sledgehammer about how slow I am in learning things in two weeks, things that usually take others twice or thrice the amount of time.
Thing is, the hammer I'm using now, though not made with a metal head, is still a hammer. Though it's the toy kind. Not too bad....Right?
The only thing that seems as though it's eternally moving is my imagination. Dreams come unbidden, good and bad ones - as my previous post would attest to. Visions still do, though not as clearly. Maybe I might even have lost sight of it till I start moulding one part of my life properly first.
He gives and takes away. All praise to him, all the same.
Because he's only taking it away from me for the time being, so I can concentrate. Why do I know this?
Simple. I just...know. To explain it would be revealing a bit too much, something that I'll only say if you ask. Nicely. If you even read about this, that is. =P
-------------------------
Is it my imagination?
Probably not. After all, I did had that realization long ago. Maybe I'm just in denial, hoping that that isn't really the case. That what I've done is not putting the ammo into the double-barreled shotgun that was meant (and hopefully NOT fated, but by accident) to shoot myself in the foot.
Certain...changes I saw today confirmed that. I think. And that sullen feeling sets in once more.
Was it like that? Could it be that I've helped my own cause onto the path of destruction?
So confusing....Which is why I've decided to put my imagination to better use.
Considering how the fengshui master that came today said that I was very 'straight' (as in direct, frank, unyielding/stubborn), I've decided to just stay true to myself.
Worry not about how circumstances of others can affect you, but how you can overcome them as well as make your own situation better.
Be true.
And let my imagination do the rest in good dreams and visualization. That way, I really won't be distracted....And I can concentrate on the important things to me.
"WAIT for the LORD; Be strong and take heart and WAIT for the LORD." Psalms 27:14
"I will WAIT for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him." Isaiah 8:17
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