Love Poem

Read a blog post about a love letter, and it touched my heart.

I've never really written a love letter to any girl or woman before, the last being an utter disaster in that (1) it didn't have me "confessing my undying love" for her (creepy, if you ask me) and (2) She rejected it all the same. Figures, right?

At that time, though, I thought it was the Michaelangelo's David, the Leonardo's Mona Lisa. It was like a failure masterpiece to me, and it flowed right out from my heart.

But at times, when I attempt to write something beautiful, something poetic that will melt even the stoniest of hearts to the people I truly care for.....My mind goes blank.

Just like in the blog, it was the same for me. My mind totally goes blank when I attempt to think of something artful and enticing, something that makes full use of the latent potential I have in writing, something that capture hearts and stir the deepest of emotions and desires.

Yet.....My mind goes blank.

But when it came to thinking about whether I care for a person, I have little problem. I could easily envision that person and the situation in which I can care for her or him. Sometimes the imagination prefers to be unbridled and free of logic, so I relent and let it run wild for a time. Sometimes the dreams get ludicrous too, though much of it had to do with joyous and happy things.

And every now and then I look back to my empty Microsoft Word screen, my empty Twitter space for typing, my empty space to update statuses in Facebook, wondering if I could make it so deliciously intricate, oh-so mysterious and enticing that it could touch the heart of that girl and make her see me in a different light.

But it seems that's going all the wrong way.

The Love Poem I really need to know....Is to Him, then to myself....And lastly, to my very special other one day.

It might not be filled with sweet-smelling roses and hearts, but the possibility that ambrosias and dandelions will be packed in there....Let it be so real.

Let it so very real.

Loss and Gain

As the year draws to a close, as the curtains fall upon the stage of our lives in this act, I suddenly get this strange mix of feelings. It's like having applause and yet with a few sporadic but prominent boos making their way into my ears.

It's about Loss and Gain.


It feels like I'm about to lose something. It could be anything - A precious item, an essential thought, an irreplaceable person. More often than not I feel it's the last one, and it worries me.

Yet on the other hand, the feeling that I'm going to gain something as well. Things that I have absolutely no idea about. Things that could be completely new, yet even better than what I've lost.

So many possibilities ran through my mind. some enticing, of course, like the loss of a friend and the gaining of a lover. Like the loss of a method and the gaining of an idea. Like the loss of even more time and money and the gaining of a soul in the kingdom of God.

And even as this strange feeling continues, I think the only thing that I can really do is this.

Trust God.

Trust Him that things will work out. Trust Him that He will actually bless me with what I want. Trust Him that He will make the impossible possible. (The second was the hardest, really.)

What will I lose, and what will I gain?

I have no idea....But one thing I know I will never lose.

God's love.

Thanks and Giving

Thanksgiving time together today. Had a great time, needless to say, despite being stricken with worsening flu and feeling giddy all over.

Yet the moment the fellowship and games start, the pain stops. Amazing how it works out, huh?

After the performance (Awesome stuff by Ryan, Jimmy and Kaixiang) and a little testimony from Jimmy that gave glory to Him, after the sharing of giving glory to God and thanking Him for the year, after yet another bout of noisy and fun fellowship, I was left wondering.

All the thanks....I haven't given it properly to the people who have stood by me silently, sometimes desperately, knocking, knocking on the door that hardly seems to bulge.

Yet by the gift of personal gratitude shown to those, especially those who have stuck with me and impacted me in more ways they could imagine, it feels like there's something...different.

Have I changed? Have I become more thankful, more giving?

Looking into the mirror, it doesn't seem so. Isn't it the same, plain old TL, albeit with a bit more scars, looking a little more tired with a little more crinkles, a little less healthy?

But something....something tells me I've indeed been more thankful....and more giving.

So many things have happened this year. Some challenging, some really depressing, some wonderful, some joyous, some confusing, some enlightening, some humbling....

So many, many things.

And when I look back, it suddenly feels like I'm on a mountain, even though it's just a small one. It feels like I had a good view of my troubles and trials, my blessings and experiences. Instead of huffing and puffing and sighing a breath of relief, thanking God that it's finally over, it feels like I'm truly thanking God for making the year a really....interesting year. A really good year.

And every step I take....It feels more and more like I'm reaching the destiny God has for me.

Thank You, Lord.

Thank you, E520

Thank you, dear, dear friends who have made a great impact in my life.


Thank you.

Challenges and Struggles

A Challenge or a struggle. Which do you prefer? Which do you think you're doing more of?

Despite the textbook similarities in the meanings of both words, there is difference between a struggle and a challenge. The former is what most people would be doing, just surviving, just fighting back, being passive and waiting for the fight to come to them, fighting tooth and nail to live on, to crawl through the circumstances simply just to say 'I want to survive.'

Nothing wrong with that, especially when the going gets really tough. But what I'm more interested in now is taking the fight to the enemy.

It seems a little confusing for others, as noted in the reactions of a few people whom I've discussed with about this. Some insist both are the same. Others are just plain clueless. Justifiable, of course. After all, we do refer to dictionaries and language rules about definitions.

My definition, though, determines that a challenge means the direct opposite of a struggle. It is Active. Taking the fight to The Enemy, or your circumstances, instead of waiting for it to come to you. In layman's terms, you deal with it before it deals with you. A simple concept, but often more difficult to carry out than it looks.

Being Active also means that you have to be Aggressive in a challenge. Ever seen challengers for the greatest accolades and honours, especially in sports? Do they wait for the defending champion to come at them? Does the archetype challenger run around in a boxing ring like a monkey and wait for the champion to come at him after losing patience? (Perhaps, in some cases. But note that these types usually have a counterattack strategy, which is also Aggressive in a different way.)

That's what I believe it means to take the fight to your opponent. Throw the first punch. Fire the first shot. Draw first blood. 先下手为强。Common sense, really.

Yet, many of us continue to live in passivity. Some go about their daily routines without a sense of purpose. Others set a simple goal and leave it at that. Then there are some who dream about castles in the sky in the sweet by-and-by....and I'm not exempt from that either.

And when you find the need to be Aggressive towards the things challenging you - especially your identity, beliefs and values - there will always be the need to be Armed. 


Not the Magnums or the Andurils or the Big Berthas, mind you. What I'm talking about are things that can form the core of your beliefs. Your role models. The idols you look up to (not chase after or worship, mind you), the positively beneficial lessons you have learned in life, the concepts that frame your world and make it worth living.

For me, it's The Word. It's the belief in Him that beefs me up, the faith. Then there is prayer, and more believing as well as the various good concepts that help to mould me into a better person.

Take note, that these things should be mostly positive. Considering that most of what The Enemy does against me is negative, and that common sense tells us all that whatever an opponent, a competitor does to us has a negative impact, we should use it's greatest bane: Positivism.

Strange, isn't it? But sometimes the things you have to fight against aren't people, for they are only the agents of the real threat. Those detractors, those backstabbers, those who spurned you despite your very best intentions, those who distance themselves away from you because of misconceptions....They are only the mediums for negative thoughts.

What you should be watching out for is actually....

...Yourself.

No, really. For it is you who determines your own world. For it is I who determine my own world. our words frame our world. What we think about and tell ourselves make or break us. And it is to this enemy that you have the be Active, be Aggressive to and be Armed for.

So....What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for?

Short-sighted

Where do I go from here?

Things are looking up, then down. Then down and down again. Still, the start always seems to be the hardest to go through with.

Already the withdrawal symptoms are showing. Already The Enemy has stirred. Ever since deciding on taking greater responsibility for lives and taking the fight to him, attacks come hard and fast. Illnesses, nightmares, fears, temptations...

It isn't easy.

And sometimes I lose sight of the things that are set before me. The promises He had, the dreams, the visions, the unfulfilled potential, the infinite possibilities what I can become. What anyone can become.

So easy to just see what's in front of us and determine our lives based on just that alone. So easy to just say, "Oh, that's how it's going to be." or when someone asks you what you have planned out for the next five years, you shrug your shoulders and say, "I don't know. Just see how it goes."

We are all so Short-sighted.


Already the problems are looking like the Himalayas to me - insurmountable, daunting, unconquerable. Standing at the bottom and looking up, the peaks can hardly be seen.

Yet....we were meant to be greater than conquerors. Where then, is this indomitable spirit that we should have? Didn't we have great aspirations to work towards? Why did the vicissitudes of life so easily lay claim to our attention, our thoughts and ultimately, our lives?

We are all so Short-sighted.


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On another level, sometimes people walk in and out of your lives. People who you thought would think of you as friends. People who you thought cared. People who you thought you had a chance with to develop the relationship to the next level, be it from an acquaintance to a friend, a friend to a close friend or even from a close friend to a significant other.

The reason? Sometimes you don't know. Most of the time, actually. But there are times where instinct, analysis and smart guesses can net you the right but undesirable answers.

Most of the time, the reason range from you having made a decision or taken an action that are assumed to be offensive to your friends. Your lack of everything that makes you interesting, i.e. looks, charisma, personality and to the fact that you are just being compared to someone else, and we all know there's always someone else better and closer.

Well.....

We are all so Short-sighted. 


And it can't be helped. No one knew that Albert Einstein as a kid was going to be a globally renowned scientist that changed the world at his time.

No one knew that The Beatles was going to be great when they were deemed 'not good enough' by one of the biggest recording companies at their time.

No one knew that Paul Potts was going to win the first 'Britain's Got Talent' contest in 2007 at that time.

No one knew that Nick Vujicic was going to be impacting so many lives despite being born with Tetra-amelia syndrome (the absence of our basic limbs) at that time.

And no one knows that you, or him, or her, or me, will actually become a strong, attractive, charismatic, powerful, mature and great man or woman in our time. A world-changer and a history-maker. A person who, now seemed so frail, weak, dependent and lacking in purpose, will impact nations throughout the world.

And as such, people who left you? They don't know what they are missing. They seriously don't.

But lest it becomes a bitter thought that keeps us in bondage or a taunting one that further erodes our relationships, remember this:

We are all extremely Short-sighted. Even you.

And the only thing we can do, is focus on ourselves more. Become better. Learn how to be an overcomer, a more reliable, attractive person. Learn how to move towards your goals, yet at the same time learn how to be relational lest you become vindictive, proud and aloof.

I'm taking that step to do all those, though it's a long road and already it seems hard. I too, am short-sighted, after all.

Let's take the step together.

Miracle

It did happen, just as Brother John Avanzini preached about it. It did happen.

Okay, not the mind-blowing, wheelchair-tossing, love-finding kind, but to me, a miracle, however minor, is still a miracle. 

Some may make light of it. Others simply think that it's so common that the question marks over their heads are almost visible....But, I won't allow ANYONE, seraph or hell-spawn, man or woman, leader or follower to hijack my belief that this is a miracle. 

I don't know if the people can see this, but it's certain that it's thanks to them. Never have I thought I would have enjoyed myself tremendously. It was as if some part, some real part of me had been liberated from the shackles of self-loathing and doubt and calmly walked out of the prison.

And when the wardens of terrible emotions threaten to rear their ugly heads, seeking to grab the escapee and bring me back into captivity, the amount of authority and firmness I felt when crushing them beneath my feet were astonishingly strong. 

How, when all I had been doing was fight battles, mostly losing ones in that area? How, when it seems like there were too many wars on too many fronts for me to handle?

How?

There was only one thing: Him. The Liege that armed me. The King that protected me within his lands, who sent his Knights to defend my heart, who gave me hope and restored my waning strength with his awe-inspiring Words, who, despite my repeated betrayals, welcomed me back into his Kingdom with open arms, never fearing that I would stick a dagger through one of his Ministers or Sons and Daughters. 

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And it was today that I truly felt this.

I don't talk often about daily occurrences, but really....Just felt...blessed. Filled with hope, perhaps. Thankful for the dissatisfaction boiling over about the lack of progression with Him, with my relationships, and with myself. 

Grateful for the strength given unto me by Him, for the fellowship of the saints, for the laughter, the joy, the jokes, the retorts, the eye contact, the smiles, the discussions, the sharings....

For every little thing, I'm thankful.

Really, guys. Thank you....Because of you, one man feels like he has the courage to feel again. To be himself, and to love again, more than ever.

Thank you....

...and thank You. :')

Heart

Recently been looking at statistics, and doing so simply made me lose heart. 


One page view. One. for one post. Then another, then another, then another....Okay, I knew I was unpopular, probably a little weird, and definitely the last person almost anyone would want to talk to (even friends), but this? It just saps the heart of writing out of me.

The first thing I expect others to say, obviously, is that "I'm complaining again. Why don't you try harder?"

And the same answer, right from the bottom of my heart, is thrown back to them. "Why don't you try being in my shoes? Who are you that you can tell me this? You hardly even KNOW me, despite being friends for that long."

And despite being happy, I'm also frustrated at the same time. Despite wanting to try things, I didn't have the heart to try to step out of a normal routine, simply because efforts have proven me wrong time and again that just by having the heart to try to change is NEVER enough. For example, speaking out of turn in an attempt to crack a joke ends up in an immediate silence after that, no matter how long/short it is. Trying to make new friends and get to know people....I just get this feeling that they are never comfortable around me.

Do I need to shut up and change? Yes, to the latter half. I won't shut up, obviously, simply because it's better to let others know what's going on and have them label you as a whiny little prick rather than keep everything to yourself, let it all explode once the threshold is breached and having it result in blame-games ("Why did you keep it to yourself?!") or irreversible situations.


But then again, it's the heart that continues telling me to never give up.

No matter how tired the journey is, it seems that it's the heart, not always only the mind that determines just how far you can go in spite of the deserts, the snowstorms, the hurricanes and the darkness one faces.

And I have that heart in the King.

So despite all this, gotta pick myself up again and again and again and again...Till something good happens. Till there's a change so great that all my blessings would be peanuts compared to it.

A Breakthrough.

It may seem so simply, so natural to some. It may seem like an easy miracle to others, having gotten it in a short amount of time (By the way, 1 year IS considered short). But for me, it's the greatest miracle that I could ever want to happen.

To fellowship freely. To feel like no one's feeling uncomfortable with me. To feel like I'm no longer weird. To stop feeling like I'm part of the group and yet alone. To be an interesting person that not only have people talking to me, but also me being totally sincere to them. To be able to forge great relationships with people, to the point where I can actually hope for something more than that.


In short, to know how to love people properly.

So, I can't lose heart.


Not especially when such a big opportunity to see that come to pass is coming.

I can't.

You're (not) Alone. (Not).

The snow falls.

Each flake seems to descend gently, yet forlornly upon his lonely figure. He walked, and walked, trudging through the snow, meandering across the bleak white fields of cold, hard sleet.

He falls, then picks himself up, and he falls again. With each fall a new bruise appears on his legs, his hands, his face. He looks at the sleet as it reflects the distorted image back, each injury mocking him, laughing at him, reminders the hopes he once had, hopes he once placed. Hopes found, then lost. Then there were hopes that were never ever discovered, little lies, however, unintended, formed through the careless words of folk who knew little of its consequences, some of whom genuinely believed it would have helped. Even as he moves towards the hills, their silhouettes barely visible against the harsh winds reprimanding him for his follies, he could almost feel the warmth, then it fades away teasingly, like a fleeting mirage that he thought was real, but never did materialise.

And then they were suddenly upon him. Dark, hooded figures, cloaked in black. Standing atop the hills with two to one. They stood there, motionless, as though they themselves were nothing more than figments of his imagination and they too, shall pass and fade back into the shadows.

But they endured. Endured the biting gales and the lashings of his stinging pragmatism. 

He had found Them.

It should have been a feeling of triumph, but somehow he could feel nothing but emptiness and a resigned acceptance. He was the reluctant hero-No, that would not be appropriate to describe him at all. Traveler, or a Adventurer might sound a little more apt.

Then voices rang out in his mind. Called out to him, reminding him of the warmth they had emitted, reminding him of the promises they held, the hope they gave him. Then a steely cold one reminded him of the failings in believing, in hoping, in thinking that things will always become better. That things are going to happen soon enough. That after so many years, the people would finally start noticing him more and befriend him, get to know him in a deeper manner in spite of the aura he emits, the actions he does, the lousy jokes he cracked.

He struggles. Roars. Screams. Then whimpers as he took the first step towards Them. He knew...He knew that They were like him, and he was only a few steps away from becoming part of Them.

But behind him, the winds seem to die down and the snow starts to thaw. One feet in each realm. One mind with two intentions.

It was going to be another long, hard battle.

And he was once again, alone.

Nice Guys Finish Last

To be honest, this isn't entirely original since I'll be basing my post off this interesting video I saw sometime back.

As the saying goes, "Nice guys finish last." Going by that logic, it would seem that the bad boys are the ones who get the girl(s). They are the talented, smart, rich, popular dudes in school/campus that have a 'badass' attitude. Throw in some arrogance, maybe a little narcissism, and also this air of superiority and streak of rebelliousness, and there you have the stereotypical 'bad boys'.

All those stereotypes and quotes have been used to death, though, and that isn't what piqued my interest.

What REALLY did pique my interest is the ending of the video itself (All three versions, actually) that nice guys DO finish last.

Or rather, should I say, nice guys are the ones who finish it, and are the last ones standing.

Deep down, there are plenty of average guys out there who want to be noticed by the girl they like. Therefore, they decided to follow the example of the bad boy who always seem to attract the attention of girls, especially the only one he has eyes for.

Thus comes makeovers, both within and without. Looks change, attitudes warp, and they attempt to be another person through buying clothes with skulls, piercing their ears, listening to some dating advice that always reiterates the idea that being a 'bad boy' will draw the girl(s) to you.

Unfortunately, bad boys aren't a long term thing.

In a sense, girls who actually prefer nice guys who are more sensitive, romantic, familial and responsible are the ones who are far-sighted and take note of their future, as compared to those who simply prefer traits that characterise a bad boy.

Not to say all of the girls in the latter category are near-sighted, shallow and silly, because sometimes they mistake attraction for romantic feelings, as some of them later go on to mistake sex for love, resulting in unsavory social consequences for themselves and the society. It's worse if a young life is extinguished in the process. Inhumane, even.

But at a certain age, say about the time where one can be considered an adult, albeit a young one, that's the time the female ought to start thinking properly about the future instead of always partying and looking for the 'fun-loving guys with good looks, good bod and always make me laugh.' (Not that humor is a bad thing, but looking out for the more concrete traits is much more...sensible and the smart thing to do.)

Neither is looking for the perfect one that 'looks like this Korean idol or that Taiwanese hunk of an actor' realistic, not especially if you are in your twenties already. Grow up.

To be fair, guys should also stop trying to always learn things that are popular and stop being themselves in the process. It's unhealthy and can cause identity confusion. Are you the nice guy who's holding back whenever you feel like doing a bad boy thing, or are you a bad boy who isn't quite that...well, badass?

Likewise, looking for the perfect girl is absolutely out of question. To do so is to indulge in the fantasies of a teenage boy with little experience in society and has hardly any concept of common sense. If you're still thinking like that, GROW UP.

Not to say I can sit on my high horse and judge others, but it's simply a reflection of what I've seen and experienced. In a sense you can say that I'm screwing myself over as well. XD

Most people have been through that phase. Many are going through it now as teenagers, while others are still trapped in their own little fantasy bubble even as adults, still dreaming of their perfect Prince Charming or ideal Belle of the Ball. Then there are those who simply party away until they are too old and then start facing the consequences of problematic relationships that built their foundation on the sand of Fun instead of the rocky foundation of Stability.

Nice Guys do finish last.

Bad Boys don't even finish at all. Lest they turn to being nice guys.

Now, that would be nice.

Imprudence

The thought came to me as I walked down the road after collecting my new pair of specs (As expected, no one except my mom and bro commented on them).

There was this group of secondary school kids. All in shorts, chatting, laughing, maybe making fun of a geeky classmate. They were occupying the entire width of the path, forcing people walking in the opposite direction to step into the glass patches or uneven terrain at the sides to get past them, and they hadn't noticed that.

As a habit, I usually give way to elderly people, peers, cyclists, families, pregnant women and people who are in a rush. The only other times I veer away from the path is to overtake people who aren't used to walking faster.

So I kept to the path, but obviously stuck to the side. It was the least I could do, since it felt sensible and logical instead of cutting through the group.

To my surprise and indignation, the few kids nearer to me suddenly stuck his head and looked up and kept to their path. I barely sidestepped them, somehow retaining my balance and direction on the path.

It irritated me, of course (as evident by the adjectives used). But it also got me thinking. That slight show of defiance, that "imprudence", as I would call it, was interesting.

Perhaps when we get older, we tend to forget were were once like that - seemingly fearless until the storm clouds appear over the Discipline Master's or our parents' faces, always wanting to show the world what we can do, always looking for a chance to go against the system.

In a sense, I find it strangely commendable, except in cases that are pretty insensible and honestly speaking, silly. Like the one I experienced. What if 'I' was a thug or a bully? What if 'I' hated kids like that and gave them a good one? What if, on a whim, I decided it was fun to take my frustration out on them?

Of course, as a disclaimer, I WON'T DO THOSE THINGS.

One might think I'm brewing a storm in a teacup, but look at it this way - It's the small things that accumulate to become big ones. Don't despise the humble beginnings, the Bible says. Likewise, it's the foxes that steal the grapes, not tigers or lions.

Imprudence in measured amounts is good. Imprudence against the system in order to fulfill a lofty dream or even better - a GOD dream is extremely commendable. Without flouting the right rules that cause you to compromise your character and values, of course.

And maybe, just maybe, there's something there that we as adults can learn. To start being defiant again against the odds, against the inequities of the system and environment that threatens to shut down our dreams, scribble on them, crumple it then toss it away in a wastepaper basket while laughing mockingly.

Though once again, let's be "imprudent" about the right thing.

Boxing Match

You're in a boxing ring, in a boxing match of 10 rounds. You can feel the sweat pouring down your face in torrents as you struggle to focus, your senses conflicted by the smell of sweat, blood and of an unidentifiable odour, the excited crowd cheering the fighters on and the disapproving voice of the referee as one of you attempts to foul the other.

As the man in charge separates you and the bell rings, you focused on your opponent. That daunting Fighter S, who has scored countless downs against you approaches ominously, menacingly once more, his silhouette seemingly a great giant of darkness that threatened to consume the sliver of light that is the hope in victory. Your victory.

He taunts you, calls you stupid. Makes you wonder why you are even here, why you were even born. He remembers those days where you slipped and fell at the punching bags, where you failed to listen to instruction and forfeited a match, bringing embarrassment and shame to your gym and trainers, where you felt guilty for being unable to keep to an acceptable weight for your next upcoming match. He sees it. He knows it.

And he uses it against you.

Previously, you had moped. Got depressed over it. Felt as though the guilt was gnawing a large hole in your heart and through your chest. Every moment you have felt something like that, Fighter S deals a punch gleefully. A roundhouse. An uppercut. A Dempsey roll. Every time it happens, you only remembered blacking out momentarily, then gazing up at the unforgiving spotlights high up in the ceiling, casting you as the protagonist of what looked like a comedy or a thrashing as Fighter S's supporters, the infamous D Spitfire Fan Group jeered, laughed and repeated S's insults.

No more! As anger at the humiliation builds up each time you get back up, the boiling point is reached and you rushed him. This time, a smirk, a whispered threat and a sneer are all you see before the pain spreads throughout your brain and you fall flat again onto the seemingly comfortable mat.

Your eyes close. Your senses are dulled and suddenly you feel like you should be sleeping here. After all, Fighter S was so much stronger. His suggestion to give up did seem plausible. You are nothing but a common fighter, destined to stop at the lower rungs of the sport. Why try so hard? Why do it when you know your gym mate would betray you? Why fight when The Fighter Os and Ds and Ss are always there to knock you down? Might as well give up, right?

Get up! Somehow, you managed to hear a voice and you get up just as the bell rings, signaling the end of the round. Saved by the bell. You return to your corner, dejected, head hung so low it would have touched your stomach. The chair is held out for you, and you slump into it, simply relieved the round is over. You are on the verge of tears, feeling as though the whole crowd had abandoned you and your team are but silent undertakers, ready to receive another corpse, dead of hope, bereft of life.

But the chair feels surprisingly soft. A deafening silence falls over the crowd, drowning out the cacophony the D Spitfires have caused to deal more mental damage to you. Something seems to flow into you, through you as you sit. You look up in disbelief, and see a familiar face.

It's Daddy G, and as He smiles, the tears you have defiantly held back finally broke down the resistance you've put up and began to flood your cheeks, flowing down your face and washing away the tough facade you've planted in.

Memories start coming back, and somehow it feels as though Daddy G was the trainer you had first left for a  'greater, bigger, better gym with more well-off trainers', or He was the one you had never listened to. in any case, He is here, and the feeling of shame still stayed.

It is all right, son. He puts a kindly hand on your shoulder and holds out the bottle. Drink, He says, and though you struggle, this time you do as you are told and the wonderful liquid quenches your thirst and stills your nerves.

Next, He holds out the towel and you reach out. To your surprise, he wipes the sweat off your face and drabs at the wounds with antiseptic and cotton. Miraculously, as you allowed Him to do so, they close up and you feel as good as new.

You feel ready as He speaks words of encouragement, of affirmation to you. As you listen, you realise strength has returned. You realise that the crowd - the A Faithful Fan Group are cheering, singing, encouraging you. You get up as the last words left the lips of Daddy G, and you step back into the ring as the bell sounds.

You lock eyes with Fighter S, and his mocking gaze nearly causes you to snap as you stalk forward, ready to give him a beating.

A hand sticks out from the man in charge and to your surprise, it is Daddy G again! Wait, He says. Wait.


But he's just there! I'm ready to go at him, Ref! I'm ready to fight him! Come on, lemme at 'im!

He smiles. Wait. Though the hand stays there and could easily be batted aside, the voice is firm but warm. You decide to listen again and wait, slowing your breathing until you feel yourself calm down. In and out your breath goes, until the cloud of confusion over your mind is dispersed.

As you open your eyes, suddenly there seems to be no shadow. Suddenly there seems to be no ominous figure in front of you, but a babbling, weak fool who had probably lied his way to so many victories he had notched up. Suddenly the D Spitfires are covered by silence, a blanket of tentativeness mixed with realisation and fear of that one truth that is unavoidable.

Fighter S can't win. Not when you are in this state.

Not when You have Daddy G as your second, encouraging you, stirring you up till the A Faithful are encouraged themselves to cheer you on.

Not when Daddy G is the referee who stops you and ensures you are ready before plunging into another brawl with S.

The bell rings, and you move forward, arms at ready in the peek-a-boo style, eyes focused and determined. With each step, Fighter S seems to shrink and retreat. His words bounces off your mind uselessly as you smile confidently.

You lunge with fists raised, knowing that as they fell, the belt is yours for the taking.

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Just a quaint little idea I thought up of as Daddy G spoke to me about being empowered and being prepared.

Even as we are empowered, sometimes we get a little too impetuous and lunge back into a fight that has knocked us down countless times.

But you see, Daddy G reminds me that He is the second and the referee to my match, though even as that is a given, I still needed to make the choice to accept His decisions and advice. I needed to obey.


And perhaps this little story might help you on the path to doing so as well...And finally truly help you achieve the victory that has already been given to you.


Peace out.

Nike vs. Singlish

A strange, strange title. At least to me, it is.

Let's get straight to the point, since most probably wouldn't understand what I'm talking about in the title unless I really go into depth.

Nike vs. Singlish.

Just Do It vs. Sure Or Not?


Which would you choose? I think the answer should be pretty clear.

But more often than not, when the choices presented to us aren't clear and there are people, circumstances, issues all around us, influencing us one way or another, we tend to take the Singlish way. The Easy way. The way we know best.

But should it be like that?

No!

I've come to realise one thing - Ultimately, when many people start showing disapproval or ask you to be careful, those signs are often misunderstood merely as being disapproval, period. What I've been taught time and again (and it's something I should have realised on my own) is that these people care for you, or else they wouldn't even bother to give you any advice.

So yes, we should appreciate these people and their advice. But more than that, do not let doubt delude us into thinking that these people are attempting to sow seeds of doubt into your heart and therefore are all being used by The Enemy. As such, you should not listen to them.

Listen...LISTEN. If we ever thought like that, the one being used by The Enemy is US.


It's not them, but our doubt and our own perceptions that are forming those opinions. Not only does this sow discord between you and the people who care for you, it also waters the seeds of anger, hatred, resentment, arrogance and all the negative emotions you can think of. Ultimately, it gives rise to bitterness and unthankfulness where people are unable to understand and thus support your dream or whatever you're doing - especially if it's something really different or radical - and that leads to not life, but death.

And sometimes when we keep thinking, we just hesitate and stop. We just keep asking ourselves. "Sure Or Not?"


What we should really be doing is Just Do It.


Ultimately, though, we still need something to keep us in check, and this is what I'm going to keep close to my heart -

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." (NIV)


"Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life."




Really, Just Do It.

Freedom and Autonomy

A random thought struck me as I was reading through a few articles on right-wing extremists - thanks mostly to the recent news about a rather good-looking and mild-mannered 32 year-old Norwegian committing acts of terrorism in the name of God.

Ironically enough, that was the same kind of reasoning given by the Islam-based terrorists who believed they were waging a holy war and doing jihad for righteous reasons.

Upon reading through an analysis of the potential harms right-wing extremists can cause to the U.S government and country itself, one word kept popping up in their line of reasoning - Freedom.

Makes me wonder - What kind of freedom are they talking about here? Freedom from sin, or freedom from "oppressive measures by the government" and from "a land of infidels"?

Anders Behring Breivik seemed to fall into the latter category, what with his 1500-page manifesto and his admittance to doing it due to his dissatisfaction (too mild a word, perhaps) at multiculturalism and Muslim immigration. Not that I am one to judge, but his actions certainly spoke really loud - literally with a bang.

Now, what I can't understand is how he, in the name of freedom, deigned it appropriate and justifiable that he should serve the role of a judge to decide that. That he should take a bomb and a gun and proceed to ROB 90+ victims of their freedom to live.

The same could be said of the right-wing party in U.S politics right now, whereby they seem to be arguing simply just to oppose a president they think should never have been. I'd like to see how those arguments help with the freedom of the people, thank you.

-----------------

But more than all that, it gets me to think that everyone has their own freedom of choice.

"Wait just a minute here! I was born into poverty, I live in a run-down apartment with no lighting, inconsistent water supply, crazy neighbours who come back drunk or beaten up every other night and am forced to work as a trash collector. What do you mean I have freedom?"


"Listen, smarty pants, these bills are taking away my rights as a citizen. Can't a man get some protection for his house and his pet with just one or two lil' firearms? You don't live in America. You don't understand, dumbass."


I certainly don't, since I have never truly experienced either scenario (both excerpts from conversations I've experienced or seen online). However, I do know one thing.

We are STILL free to make our own decisions, just as God made us.

Sometimes others would argue that the circumstances force them to make but that one or two choices, and sometimes I think they are right. But ultimately, we still make our own choices. At most, circumstances influence those choices, but never truly force us to do so.

Like when a person walks away and shuns everyone who has done practically nothing wrong to him/her. Like when you shout at your boss under heavy stress. Like when you decided that your abilities are enough and that you don't need God.

Feel free to interpret this whatever way you like, since all I'm doing is illustrate a few examples I've seen or experienced thus far in life....Some of which has hurt me bad enough to leave a permanent scar.

And at that point, I too had a choice - Turn my back on God because what He promised didn't come to pass, or reflect and evaluate on my own actions and get back to Him despite the crap I went through.

There was no better answer than reading the story of the Prodigal Son.

We all still make bad decisions, of course...But the important thing is to always grab hold of autonomy and make choices rather than blame the circumstances and people for 'forcing' you to do certain things. That makes us all irresponsible and immature, no matter how old or self-sufficient we think we are.

So, what do YOU believe?

What is YOUR choice?

Teachability - Youth and Adult

Won't be too long, I promise.

...I think.

Anyway, was just wondering about teachability. Earlier this week (2 days ago, to be precise), I saw a rather...terrible scene.

Case:
University student A (I'll leave it up to you what that A stands for. Just saying.) comes into lecture theatre with iPad. Fools around with iPad, or maybe he's doing something important like TRADING STOCKS, I don't know. Lecturer comes in a little late, keeps repeating a question to us about remembering what we learned last lecture (couldn't make it then due to illness). Student A mutters a single sentence:

"Shut up lah. Damn noisy."


As the class draws to a close, another student asked the lecturer about fixing the timing of the release of tutorial questions. An earlier release would mean more time for us to do them and present in class, leaving our weekends more free. Lecturer replies that she is trying her best to release it as early as possible, and without the other lecture being taught, it would pose an unfair advantage to the group doing the question related to the earlier lecture. That's when the demon in student A surfaced.

NOTE: This is an excerpt of what he said-no, shouted, since I don't usually pay attention to rubbish spewed out from somebody's mouth.

"I concur...I CONCUR. I think we should be given more time to do the work...I mean it's the holidays, and I'm sure everyone wants to have the weekend and free time to themselves. Furthermore, it's quite a bother to come down here everyday like that. I live in Pasir Ris and I have to come down here for every lecture, and most of the material taught here can be researched online anyway. Then I have to spend all that time traveling, and it's quite a waste of time. I'm pretty sure everyone here would agree to that" *looks around* "And you should really think for us, you know."


The lecturer is visibly upset, and goes on to say in a direct manner about our offensiveness, and that she was trying very hard to produce the tutorial questions as early as she could (Tutorial questions released at 5pm on Thurs, while our lectures always end at 3 plus). She goes on to ask if the material is really something that can be researched online and whether any of us would actually always have the motivation to look for it.

We stay silent, then the earlier student attempts to defuse the situation diplomatically, at which point I left, lest I did something on impulse to student A and worsen the situation. Moments later, the class ended, and student A slams the door on his way out and stomps away. Other students filter out and I heard talk that it was the 'first time they saw a lecturer crying'.


Might not be wholly relevant, but it told me that there was one fundamental thing that more and more students have in lack for their mentors.

RESPECT.


And without that RESPECT, there can be no TEACHABILITY. I'll mince no words here - In fact, I find it extremely repulsive and shocked that such a blatant act of disrespect could still occur at a university level.

Then again, upon assessing the situation at primary and secondary school levels based on accounts from both teacher friends and student friends, if I were living in such environments, it probably wouldn't even be a shock at all.


Not saying that all school are like that, but I tend to believe someone who is honest and good (i.e. My mother) in their accounting of experiences. Note the plural form.

It is easy to brush off problems about the youth, of course, like when a friend said I was 'thinking too much' when I mentioned the possible influences books promoting wrong values (albeit unwittingly) can have on youths. And why not, since we can't even see the problems in the first place, since most of us are so short-sighted, reducing our thoughts to be focused on the job we want to get, the meal we want to eat next, the movie we want to watch, that academic article we want to read etc.

Not saying that all these things are bad or doing them makes you short-sighted per se, but I think it's unwise to dismiss such concerns without reviewing them at all.

Back on topic. Without respect for the authority in your life, how can you be teachable? That is ultimately a concern of mine that would probably go unanswered, seeing the lack of views and response here. Still, I just want to voice them out.

Before you say "But the teacher has nothing over me! Why should I listen to him/her?!", let me say they DO have authority. They have it in knowledge and education over you. They are authorised to teach you because they are more knowledgeable than you. Unless that teacher is a total wreck (and not by YOUR standards), you are compelled to listen and to respect him/her.

Even if he/she is boring. Even if he/she is "super" strict. Even if he/she has no sense of humor.

And for the Christian friends out there...If you have no respect for authority for the people around you, nothing will ever make me think that you have respect for Jesus and His teachings.


Go figure.

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The greater concern with teachability lies with adults though, and that includes me.

Here's an analogy - We are at level 60 when we enter university. When we graduate, we level up to level 80. As we work, we go even further to the 100s and are eligible to conquer various "dungeons" (a.k.a the Starting a Family Dungeon, the Buying a New House Cave etc). And at that certain level, we get achievements for conquering dungeons, and we think "Hey, I'm there already! I'm like a high-level dude who can take on anything!"

That seems to be the attitude we have. Upon reaching a certain age or a certain stage in life, we think we are self-sufficient. We think we know it all. We think that we can solve our own problems and we don't need help. We think there's nothing left to learn and that no one else can teach us.

That might not be the case between God and adults all the time, but that is a very realistic case between people.

More so for educators, I believe (Feel free to prove me wrong. I like to learn about my mistakes). I'd suppose its the nature of their job that makes some of them feel like that. Since they are the ones teaching almost all the time, it would feel...strange for some of them to be taught by someone else.

Then again, it could simply mean that that educator - or rather, that adult is not very teachable and has less respect for authority by focusing on their OWN selves as the authority.

Big No-No for anyone practising any religion. It only speaks of arrogance.

Maybe you say that the circumstances are so stifling - so why not share them, since the vaunted ability to solve your own problems since you are a working adult as failed you? It is difficult to set down that pride we have in us, of course...Then again, would you prefer solving the problem here and now or RUNNING AWAY from it only to have it haunt you again?


Go figure.

Long Time no See, and Nice to Meet You

It really has been a long time, hasn't it?

To be honest, I don't feel the same motivation for blogging as I used to when I first started out, but thinking about it, perhaps my reasons for doing so initially were frivolous.

I'm thankful, though, that even as I remembered about the emotional limbo - since hell is too strong a word - I was put through, I'm still standing.

It amazes me when I look back that I'm still in church, standing, worshipping God, singing His praises, fellowshipping with fellow Christians even better than before. It's not me that amazes me, because if that's all there is to it, that would be extremely arrogant.

No...What truly amazes me is the boundless capacity of forgiveness, mercy and restoration God has. Despite everything that has happened, all the outlets of stress relief - both good and bad - I went to, the false assumption that I was 'all right' and things like that, He still forgives me.

I have no doubt that I'll need to answer for everything I've done, eventually, but dwelling in it won't get me anywhere. The only way is forward. There's no guarantee that I wouldn't look back, but at least now I find strength and initiative within me to turn my neck back and keep reminding myself to look forward always.

As adults, sometimes we think we can solve these problems. And when we can't, we simply keep it to ourselves.

Wrong line of thinking...And if you think I'm preaching to the choir, I'd just say my 10+ years of experiencing that aren't for nothing.

Learned so much in recent weeks about vulnerability. Accountability. Openness. Maturity. Belief. Dreaming. Self-worth. Humility.

Learned so, so, so much.

Had I left church, would I have been able to get back on my feet? Would I have been able to improve so much that it feels like I'm practically a different person now?


NO.


And I most certainly hope that there are certain people out there who somehow press a wrong button and happen to enter this blog, then happen to see this post...Though in truth, real truth, that wouldn't be just a 'happen'.

-----------------------

I've been thinking about relationships too.

I'm not all that young anymore. True, I do have some vigour. I can still jump and shout and dance and holler and run and battle it out on the soccer court, but I'm not all that young anymore.

One more year, and I'll truly enter the workforce.

One more year, and it's five years to the big Three Oh.

One more year...And I'll literally be no longer eligible for any more Emerge conferences for youths in my church.

"So it's time! When are you getting one?"

I smiled and shook my head with a wistful smile.

"Whaaat? Seriously? You're like, 24 already man! Don't you ever think about it?"


Of course I do. Who doesn't at this age? 


"Come on, man...You tease others about it, but you say you aren't really that interested?"


Yeah. I'm not that interested.


If you need any further hints, let's say the emotional 'drama' I went through was part of the reason why I'm not interested right now. In fact, I'm really thankful for the suffering I was put through.


I know plenty of friends, both Christian or otherwise, who would look at me in incredulity and say I'm crazy, but yes, I'm thankful.

Because of that, I've began recovering my focus on the things that are right. Not only on God, but also on the real things that I want in a relationship.

Sounds ironic, but sometimes you need to understand that wounds take time to heal. Some longer than others, and some heal less effectively than others.

And this is the time where I smack my head and say, "Man, what was I thinking?! Wait...I wasn't thinking at all. That was incredibly stupid of me. How could I have been so shallow and missed out what I really wanted?"

The same silly trap that most teenagers actually fall into when they want a relationship - Basing everything on feelings, on what they THINK they want rather than what they really want and what they can handle. I can elaborate on this more, but that's a topic for another time.

Oh, and I think it's pretty silly to get angry with God over failed relationships or failed prospects.

The bottom line is, I'm not interested.

Yes, sometimes I do think of prospects, but on the whole, I'm not interested. Not especially if I'm unprepared and not when I'm not thinking straight. More than that, not especially when we don't have the same kind of love for God. 


I'll stop here....And to those who have been following my blog despite the lack of activity and interesting stuff....

Long time no see.

And to those who stumbled and actually bothered to stay and see what the heck's going on here...

Nice to meet you.

Appreciation

How often do you hear others say this?

"I do this for him, then something else for her. I've been helping people here and there. You would think people were more grateful and at least have a word of thanks or a reaction, but what do I get from most of them? Nothing! Sometimes I even get scolded for it!"


Note the word "most".

It is something I can attest to, that most people don't appreciate what you do for them, or at least it feels like they don't.

Being someone who has served in church as an usher, I can attest to that.

Putting numbers to the concept to make it more concrete, let's say (for example) that 8 out of 10 people that you come across in everyday life don't show any form of appreciation or are lacking in it for a good deed you have done for them. (For me, the context of church reduces that number to 4 or 5). Sometimes they don't even react to it.

And thus, the 'most' factor takes our attention. Maybe it's an attribute of a merit-driven ethnos in various cultures and societies, maybe it's simply a automated human response in measuring everything, that 'most' holds the greatest significance. (Think about excuses students make when they fail a difficult test. "Most of us failed and only a handful passed!" Or supposedly good movies. "Most of the people I talk to say that the movie's phenomenal, so it should be.")

But what if, in this case, it is the LEAST that matters more?

Paradoxical, isn't it? But I think it's true.

Instead of focusing on how most people don't appreciate you, focus on how there were at least a few who did.

So the eight people didn't appreciate you. How about showing some awareness for the two who did?

My dad often told me that whether you are happy or sad, the sun will always rise from the East and set in the West, that the world (in general) moves on whether you cheer or grieve.

"So why not make the most of it? Why not be happy and positive?" (Blessed with a good dad, I am).

Why not look at the positives more and focus less on the negatives, since it's part of the world (and perhaps in your culture) and they are going to happen anyway?

---------------

Recently, as an usher, I moved a tiny step in gaining a better understanding of that concept.

I was tired, of course, having slept late due to insomnia.

At this point, there were two choices I could make - I could either exhibit the 'waking-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed' attitude and just get the tasks done, or I could tell myself to be cheerful and serve God and His people.

This time, I decided that the second choice was the better one, so I decided to think and imagine about how good it was to help others find seats, how good it was to guide them through the halls, how satisfying it would be to see rows and rows of chairs being filled and how 'shiok' it would feel to see the people I welcomed to church jumping, singing and clapping in praise of God.

After which I found it easy, even natural to smile (Note: For me, it often feels like it takes more muscles to smile than frown since I do that often for the past 10 years) and greet people as they stream in through the entrances. As I made the second choice, it mattered little to me that most ignored me with stony looks, or at most nodded in my direction to acknowledge.

If I had made the first choice, I would probably be angry at why I was going out of my way and comfort zone to help them, and they aren't even appreciating it.

But this was the second choice, so I kept on doing everything I can to greet and help newcomers, exemplified by the other leaders I've observed.

To my surprise, I suddenly felt as though that there were actually more people showing appreciation with smiles and return of greetings, though a headcount would probably prove me wrong.

And interestingly, once I went out of my way to help others beyond what I was assigned to do, their thanks felt really good.

-----------------------

Amazing what a little focus on the least, but positive stuff can do to one's day.

So why not focus on the least in this case?

Acknowledge the negative, but focus on the positive.

THEN you will truly feel appreciated.

Reflections, in them I see dead eyes, in them I see new things.

Look in the mirror...What do you see?

Do you see yourself, or do you see someone else there?

And if you have been doing the latter and suddenly returned to doing the former, ask yourself this - Has that image lost its luster?

I think it has, for me....But it's a good thing. Rather than looking at a desired image of a lie projected onto oneself from someone else, it is better to look at the truth of a dully colored self-portrait of oneself.

I'm not him/her. I'm not what he/she desires. I don't need to meet the expectations of him/her, as long as I'm comfortable with myself and comfortable in my own skin.

Sometimes it takes courage to admit you were wrong or have been foolish. At others, humility.

I don't think I'm that courageous nor that humble, but at least I try to do what seems right, and admitting my faults seem just about the right thing, especially when nasty little thoughts creep in to tell you that you should be getting more out of this.

But no more. It's gone, and it will NEVER be welcome again....As are those thoughts. That's when you realise that sometimes...SOMETIMES, in order to uproot the bad stuff, you run the risk of pulling up some good things as well.

And it's gone.

Is there someone to blame? Of course....Myself. I let myself get into the situation. I let myself be unprepared and let myself get hurt. This foolishness is a product of my own, therefore I have to bear the consequences.

-------------------

On another note, it feels strange, worrying even, that I'm suddenly focusing on romantic pairings more than ever.

True, since I started watching anime and got acquainted with this 'fan-shipping' of a couple in the shows, there was quite a bit of focus on relationships.

But I'm getting concerned at my sudden re-ignition of the love for fan-shipping again. Frankly, it scares me a little.

Still, had some interesting reads on relationship analysis between various pairings, and found it enlightening to note who are the serious fans, and those who aren't.

Example 1: Fan A of Coupling A writes a freakin' MANIFESTO (In other words, an essay that would put most mediocre university students like me to shame) that analyses the relationship between Anime Guy and Anime Girl, as well as put forth points and evidence to discuss the possibilities and dismiss the other couplings in a diplomatic way.

Example 2: Fan B of Coupling B declares his/her (usually her, I think...But you never know with the Internet and the anonymity it provides) hatred for Coupling A, uses skewed reasoning with little basis behind it to provide 'evidence' of Coupling B, and says Anime Girl in Coupling A should - As quoted from hundreds of comments - "Just Die - No offense intended. :-)" (Again, taken directly from one particular quote that got me irritated).

By the way, if you couldn't tell, I'm a supporter of Coupling A in Bleach. I'll leave you (whoever you are - if there is anyone still reading this) to guess who they are. Heh~

Interesting to see the dynamics behind fan support, don't you think? It's fun to see people get so worked up over something that isn't real, but at the same time all this flaming, trolling, analysis and contests....They are all part of the fan experience.

Before you say this is all stupid and silly behavior over cartoons, I could say the same for soccer, basketball, pop idol fans. They all exhibit similarly ridiculous (as in the flaming and swooning -_-) and show passionate behavior (as in the contests and analysis).

And while it is understandable why they support those things they do (for me, it's that Coupling B or C), that doesn't mean it is approved of all the time.

Just like how a  believer's devoted support to a Death Metal band is understandable (possibly because of influences from friends and/or family), but not approved of simply because it isn't good in so many ways.

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There. Said my piece, even if no one reads it. At least I get something off my mind.

And it can be that ignition key, that starting block for me to zoom or sprint down the road or track to start my writing again.

Peace out.

Recovering Iridescence: Page 1

Difficult times.

Difficult issues.

And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it....I stumbled.

Very, very hard.

But I find myself picking the pieces up.

but who hasn't stumbled in their walk, and in their Walk?

The only difference here, though, is that it is so much harder to do so.

------------------

You know the instances where things-bad things-happen, not with one group of people, but with many, many others in a consistent pattern over a period of several years?

It's normal for that one person to think that "Hey, it's fine. Bad things happen to good people all the time, right?"


But it starts getting bad when that one person realises that when he is not in that group, they work very, very well.

And it happens so many times until it seems like that one person thinks that maybe he is the loose gear in the clockwork of the groups he has been in.

Was it truly a coincidence? Maybe I'm the curse to that group? Why does bad things always happen to the people around me when I come or do stuff?


No prizes for guessing who that one person is.

------------------------

I feel a little better getting this off my chest.

It hasn't completely disappeared yet, but a timely slap-metaphorically, of course-from a friend and a little reflection has set the train back on track, albeit a little too slowly.

Truth to be told, it still hurts. How could it not?

But healing is coming again.

What another friend said encouraged me a lot - Despite it all, despite everything that has happened, even though I'm literally crawling through this stage of life, at the very least, I'm still crawling.

Every bone cracked, every organ bruised, but still moving.

Every hope (save one) extinguished, every other talent taken away, but still alive.

The wounded soldier is moving back to where it matters, and moving forward to what should await him.

One day, one day....ONE DAY, he shall stand victorious, joy overflowing, talents returned, ready to be promoted for what he has been through and what he has done.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 116: Better or Worse

Is it better or worse to have someone not talk to you, or to have someone tell you something you don't want to hear?

Time and again, the same cycle repeats itself.

And if it keeps happening, sometimes for supposedly no good reason, the first reaction is to ask, "Why?"

That, is the rational side of me.

On the other hand, there are other voices.

One, unmistakably enticing at one point then condemning and mocking, cannot be mistaken for anything else other than The Enemy.


The other, I would elaborate.

It is...small. Tiny. Sometimes to a point where I can't even hear it.

A small voice that is encouraging, edifying. Egging me on to believe in myself and do things. Telling me that "You can do it" or "You're better than what you think of yourself."

Recently, it's been giving me the idea that I'm actually strong.

.......

Okay, after your laughter subsides, the rationale behind it is simple.

Being through things that may make you so small at times...How many countless times has it been?

Rejection, dejection, depression, disappointment, temptation, guilt.

How many? The voice asks. Not with the tone of a overbearing teacher or parent ready to berate the child, but with a tender tone.

"How many...?" For a dozen seconds or so, I actually seriously went to count it. There was that time I felt utterly rejected after, what, a dozen calls or so without a single reply? There was that time where I felt like totally giving up after failing time and again to shackle an addiction of mine. And the guilt with it - Felt like a weightlifter's barbells! Then there was another-

After a while, I gave up. "Are you kidding? There's too many to count!"

And where are you now?


"Where am I...?" I paused. The question seemed very vague, yet it should be something I know. "What do you mean?"

What do you think? The voice had a bright tint of humor to it and if there was a face to go with it, it will most certainly be smiling at me.

I thought hard, got lost a little here and there, then stumbled upon the answer.

"I'm still...here?"

You're still here.


"I'm still in the race."

Indeed you are.


"I'm still coming back to Him despite everything that has happened."

As many times as you needed and wanted.


"But how?"

Have you ever considered the notion that you might actually be strong?


"Huh?"

Have you ever considered that it was I who took away what you have and let things happen so you can be who you want to be and do what you always wanted to do?


--------------


Up till now, though, I still have difficulty believing that concept, despite the undeniable conviction from the voice. Despite the encouragement and edification from friends.

Am I actually strong?

I don't know....And I don't think I really am.

And the revelation that bad stuff is happening, and that I'm actually a lesser person that who I was before I met Him....

Difficult to swallow, isn't it?

The ultimate question came: Was this for the better or for the worse that I knew something like that?

Some, I imagine, would have turned to rationality. Some would have turned to knowledge. Others simply turn away.

And these are all things I have done before, which is to say that none of these are permanent.


I'm injured. Battered, bruised, beleaguered, crippled sometimes in the body and sometimes in the mind. Adding to the fact that the very one you wholly trusted tells you that He took away what you have for a good reason unknown to you...

It.....is for the better.

Because He has spoken. Because He has always loved me.

And because I am here.

Because I am alive.

And I truly hope that no matter what, the people who have gotten far (no matter the 'distance') from Him will return.

Return...and cast their cares upon Him.

Return, and sing with joy.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 115: Reminiscing Blues

Been tired throughout the whole week. Something to do with dark thoughts and grey moods, I suspect, considering that I have dreams of the similar nature, of the same topic over and over whenever I try to sleep early.

And then it becomes a habit to sleep late.

Recently, those thoughts keep coming back.

What if I had been able to grab hold of the opportunities?

What if I had been more aware?

What if I had been bolder and more willing - despite the twists in my personality - to step forward and break through the walls, perhaps even a little forcefully but confidently?

What if I had went ahead?

What if.....?

Damn it....Too many 'what ifs'.

It's difficult to let the past lie, considering how you were given affirmation and then....Nothing.

Sometimes making a decision and carrying it out are two different things.

Maybe it will be as the saying goes, that 'Time will heal old wounds'.

But if there's a way to simply wipe everything away....As much as I hate to say it...

So be it.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 114: Untitled

For lack of a better word, considering that it has been quite a while since I last wrote anything.

First off, an overdue thought on Valentine's Day.

What is it exactly that possesses these men (and women, though much less likely) to buy expensive gifts, book costly dinners or go to extravagant places and splurge it on their spouses or girlfriends?

Some might accuse me of having not felt the 'Eros' love yet, but I have felt plenty.

Being allowed to exercise it fully, though, is another matter.

Also, if your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend always expects you to buy something or take her out somewhere, don't get too careless.

Sure, every girl and woman probably likes to be pleased. It's one thing to feel that way, and completely another to feel it mandatory that you should take her out. Why not just spend the time together, alone, at a nice, romantic place without all the frills and fanfare? Isn't that what love should be - Simple and pure?

No, I haven't (thankfully) lost that concept yet, despite facing severe disappointments on several occasions, some of which has dug a deep hole in my heart.

In the end, whatever it is, Valentine's Day should serve as a good reminder about love in all forms.

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Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 113: Versetehen

Don't know if I got the spelling right, but that was the Phrase/Word of the Week for me.

By the way, it's in German, and what it means is one, simple word that most of us should know, yet have to be constantly reminded of it.

Empathy.


All credit goes to Jayeel, my tutor for this XD2101 (Study of Religions) for bringing it up.

So simple a word, with around 3-4 syllables, yet so powerful.

Empathy.


It made me realise one thing - While we who have a religion, worship the divine(s) (Note: For me it is singular as there is only one absolute Being) always consider others to be so critical of us and so apathetic without asking to understand, don't we ourselves need to look in the mirror first before pointing that finger at others?

After all, the Word always talks about the 'worldly' and their 'worldly ways'.

And most of us, people who are highly educated, faithful and generally sensible tend to group them into one group ourselves.

University students, educators, bankers, scholars, businessmen....People who seem to have a certain pedigree.

Of course, not all think like that, and I'm thankful for that.

But this leads to another thought.

If we (or rather, I) are so reluctant to share our faith, talk about it and discuss it seriously with people who aren't in a religion, what does that tell them about us?

What does that tell you about YOU?

What does that say about our faith in the King?


I'll make it known that I'm not specifically pointing a finger to any single individual, but am only speaking from the experiences I've had with people.


I could write an essay about this, albeit without the jargon and academic terms and phrases, but really, I've been thinking....And was totally shocked and agitated at the result of it.

......No, seriously, I DO think about important things once in a while, okay?

I'll let the rest be a reflection (actually, I'm just being lazy. Won't provide any answers to that!!!) for those who read this blog...If there's anyone reading.

We are all striving towards perfection.

But if perfection seems too far away for some of us...

...Let's at least start with "Versetehen".

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 112: Learning and Versus

Had a rather interesting lecture on the concepts of learning. Stuff like Cognitivism, Constructivism and Behaviorism somehow allowed certain methods of teaching and certain rationale behind how each person learns or is unable to become much clearer.

Before you start scratching your heads on the terms used, let me explain in simple terms.

Cognitivism = Changes how information is represented for a person in his mind. In teaching, it is to encourage people to keep thinking about information and then digest it for their own usage.

Behaviorism = Change in behavior by learning. in teaching, it is done via a method which conditions the student by consistent and immediate feedback about what he/she is doing. Most commonly done through a reward/punishment system.

Constructivism = Construction of knowledge through experiences. In teaching, it is meant to allow a freer style of teaching where the student learns by himself with minimal instruction from the teacher.

And looking at the world at large today, it seems that the most ideal concept (constructivism) isn't in play, and the most prevalent are the top two.

It is easy to ask why and explain the faults, but I realise even as I watched the videos on professors or scholars talking about this problem, they are unable to give a concrete solution for it. The origins? Check (Industrial Era, where students are trained literally to pass tests and work in roles already assigned for them). The problems? Check (Students are stifled in their learning, always listening to what the educator says and learning what he/she says, taking in his/her opinions on the subject as well).

Solutions?

None. Rather, there were suggestions more than solutions. Considering the module of mine that I'm taking is called 'E-Learning', the suggested solution is simple - Proper usage of technology.

Yet, what is proper usage of technology? How can you teach youths nowadays how to use technology properly? What is the concept of being 'proper'?

Not that I'm being cynical, but truth is, there is an increasing number of youths and even young adults making use of technologies to do unsavory....things. Or simply doing tasks that don't bear much fruit in terms of usefulness.

Yet, the idea that there are people out there who advocate Constructivism is a refreshing concept. Perhaps one can say that it was the delicious spring water that flowed down from a mountain top to the thirsty deer in me.

Active learning.

Something for my educator friends to consider, even if they don't exactly have the power to change the entire structure of education right now. =)

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I hate comparisons.

Earlier, I made a resolution to think positively for the first two weeks. If that fails, I'll start doing something a little more to make that happen.

I nearly defaulted on that resolution today.

While I was supposed to wait for a friend (who in the end, did not reply nor turn up, unfortunately), I was greeted by a friend who passed by and....well, greeted me in a cheeky way. After that, a troupe of students came out from the seminar room he exited from, many of them I was familiar with.

Mostly 3rd years. All New Media majors.

Then the cruel fact struck me.

I was not good enough to be in that module they were taking.

To be honest, most of the fault lies with me. I wasn't hardworking enough, but somehow or other even when I worked really hard, nothing seemed to go right. Things happen, and grades dipped.

I'm utterly dejected to say that my grades were terrible and so terribly ashamed to say they were quite a ways below average.



My first reaction at that time? A tightening of the heart, and a voice in my mind saying that one of those students there could have, should have, been me.

The bitter pill of disappointment was really hard to swallow. Some of those people there didn't really know what they wanted after graduation. Some of them were graduating this semester.

But for me....

It is always difficult telling someone your circumstances, even though I managed to pass off as being nonchalant about it (I think).

There IS truth in how I've planned it out already, though. Perhaps I could take heart from that.

However, when it came to realising all my peers were higher scorers than I am, it made me feel a *little* smaller.









....End of story, with me going emo again?

Not quite, this time.

There was something that I had that some (not all, because the dude who greeted me was a swell guy and had this as well) of them did not.

The King.

Had I not been a Subject of His, I'd probably be thinking suicidal thoughts right now.

Had I not been praying fervently for the past few days, I'd be berating and cursing myself right now.

Had I not been hoping and believing in him for certain things, I would be doubting the sudden changes that occurred right now.

So I thought: Perhaps this is all part of His plan.

Even the difficulties in just getting a simple tutorial....

Perhaps it was all meant to build me up.

Even the sudden change that happened sometime back that got me going around in circles.

The King is good.

Finding myself to be a little more passionate about life, about people, about hope, about relationships.

Finding myself to be a little more resilient and more in control, one step closer to being a real man, perhaps.

Maybe one day, I won't ever need to compare ever and be that confident Man I've always dreamed of being, fulfilling the promises I made as well as basking in the blessings promised to me.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 111: Wedding

Attended a great wedding today.

Weddings are sometimes and often noted for the extravagance, especially for people who are more well-off than most. Yet this one, despite it being modest, was equally, if not better, in terms of warmth and the feeling of happiness.

One of the most amazing things they can do, of course, is bring old faces back. People who you have never seen for a long time, and you suddenly realise how glad you are to see them, that there seems to be no end of topics to talk about and how much you miss/pine for them when the festivities end.

Another, of course, is that it brings out surprises. Had a very, very little surprise (perhaps to most people, it would seem that way). But for me, it was pleasant, and that alone is good enough.

While it may jolly well be because the mood of the event provided a possibly logical reason that the surprise came, it was still good. The surprise came, and that was enough.

Even if it doesn't happen again, of course, it was still enough.

It also got me thinking - All the friends, the 20-somethings who are single and unattached, or have are at least attached but not considering engagement yet...When will it be their most blissful day of their lives?

When that day comes, if they are my close friends, I want to be a part of the preparation and be there to see them happy and blissful.

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Mine? It might take a while.

The concentration will be on self-improvement again, now that I've found my legs to stand resolutely at where I should be standing, THEN move quickly to be an even better man AND move swiftly but carefully enough to....You know, the thing guys do when they are serious about a relationship. Starts with a C, if you are still Confounded.

Anyway, that's that.

All the best and may you always be happy, Kelvin and Angel!

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 110: Dream

Those dreams again, revive certain hopes.

Yet after another enlightening talk with someone close to me, I realise that sometimes giving up is a better option.

Rather, let me rephrase that. Giving up for now is the best option.

That's what the King tells me too.

Perhaps I wasn't ready, and I keep realising that perhaps I was never ready in the first place.

But the hope was placed in me for some reason, and it will never be for something terrible.

For the thoughts my King has of me are good thoughts, not of evil.

Even the tough start I had...It was probably ordained. They were probably, in fact, the answers to some of my prayers that even I have forgotten.

Speaking of which, those dreams probably serve as a reminder, for I once recalled asking my King to send His imperial edicts to me lest I myself forget what I was hanging on for and what I really wanted but could not keep thinking about it lest it becomes a silent torture.

It may not be so clear, but the feeling of reassurance.

It's starting to come back to me now.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 109: Nice

Things have probably come to a point where I really need someone to tell-no, reprimand me and DEMAND that I stop being too nice.

Come to think of it, I probably have been for the CORS bidding (For those who don't know or have forgotten, CORS (Centralised Online Registration System) is a system by which I bid for my modules in NUS), though things look like they might turn out fine.

Even though that was after I made a few calls.

But in general, I was...acting myself. Didn't 'bang table', didn't 'make demands', didn't tell the staff about my situation in a way that would take them either on a guilt trip of mishandling the 'future of a graduate student' or in a case where things are being grudgingly done.

The question, though, was if I had been a little more....'not so nice', could I have gotten things done sooner and more effectively?

Banging tables and flipping the wrong switches of people aside, that translates into being more assertive, more driven, more...passionate, even.

But my experiences with the King has taught me to be patient with everything. For example, telling Him that I want this done NOW isn't going to get it done now.

It works. Most of the time things come and happen, but they happen on a last-minute basis.

Maybe more assertiveness is in order.





The prospect is scary, though, because it can mean imposing your will and your intentions on others, however mild it is.

What is so frightening about it is the possibility that you can take it overboard and become self-centered, or be mistaken for being self-centered by others who do not really know what's going on.

Still, maybe it doesn't hurt to try?

After all, even if everyone in the world misunderstands or simply doesn't care about what I do, at least the King does.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 108: Good bye

Farewell, Eros.

Or at least that's what I want to say.

In truth, it feels so contradictory, believing that you can get anything you want by abiding in Him, yet no longer believing that mutual love is ever going to happen.

Perhaps this is a good thing? After all, a little bit of reminiscence yielded a little fact that I haven't discovered by myself, and perhaps answered plenty of my queries as to why things felt so confusing.

A natural, born loner who loves people.

Not just love in the 'Eros' meaning, but love as in...Well, care, be concerned about the welfare of others...That sort of thing.

Maybe that's why there always seems to be a wall around me that people wouldn't voluntarily engage in conversation, resulting in a confused conclusion about whether I had done something wrong or simply behaved strangely (Well, I WAS a little eccentric in the past).

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Good bye, Eros.

Technically speaking, it's my job to ensure the prospect remains.

You can only do it for yourself and nothing else more, but when I see others teasing them about their own prospects AND supporting them, one can't help but feel a little...envious?

Not that there was a complete absence of support, no...But it ended rather quickly, I think.

Just like my conversations - Awesome start, but terrible consistency. Good beginning, crappy ending.

Now you know why I no longer like to talk as much.

Or it could simply be a case of needing to step out of my tent.



Notice, though, I didn't say 'Good riddance' or a simple 'Bye'.

A 'Good bye' means that something good has came out of it.

To be honest, I prefer a 'See You Again' rather than a farewell.

Because He said it is temporary.

Till that time comes, though.....Eros will probably be out of my life...

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 107: In Between

The ham in the sandwich.

The patty in the burger.

One foot in the realm of the living and the dead.

One foot in the realm of affirmation and denial.

Feels like it's been a life like that, been a situation like that, been a dream like that.

I'm happy, of course, that people remembered enough to ask me how things are, but wondering if I should superimpose my supposed principles of others by telling them to stop.

It's only when you choose to give up certain things do you realise how important they really were, and still are.


So many things, from inside and outside, telling me to cling on or to give up.

My instincts are rarely wrong.

But then, my King is NEVER wrong....Though He isn't always clear the first time round either.

He didn't say how long, or whether it is forever dead, or if it is no longer for me.

Just a simple, 'Give it up for now'.



Because of this, though, it's teaching me how to look at my own values, my own convictions and my faith towards Him.

What He promised will come to pass....

....IF only we abide in His Word, and it abides in us.

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"You don't have to be incredible. Just be credible."

Such a powerful message for believers.

Very often we try to showcase our talents, our knowledge, our abilities to the best we know how with the intention to impress.

Like a male peacock, the males would love to show off our knowledge of certain things, our physique (a duh-ish fact), our wisdom, our knowledge, our humor and anything that we can do to get the attention of the female peacocks we are attempting to impress.

Same goes for females, though the assumption for both sexes are made on a general basis. Yet there is definitely some truth in it if one observes how people act. The change of hairdo in its style, the change of clothing in its color, the difference in the way one talks to another as compared to 'normal' friends...

Subtle, little changes.

But in our attempt to be incredible, sometimes we forget the one who gave all these to us - Money, clothes, food, intelligence, beauty, charisma, family, friends, love.

And we try to forge ahead by trying to impress, sometimes eventually falling flat on our own faces and then we turn to Him and ask the standard 'Why' questions.

Why did I fail? Why am I attracting the 'wrong' type of people? Why does my life seems like its spiraling out of control?

We forgot about being credible, about giving thanks to the one who gave us everything. The challenges, the friends, the love, the holidays, the good and smooth life....Everything.


Perhaps it's time for us, time for me to start being more credible for an incredible King rather than try to be something incredible ourselves by our own strength.

Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 106: (RE)New

Alright, so it's a new year.

New arrangements, new faces, new challenges, new heartaches, new breakthroughs, new resolutions, new blessings.

Not all things are completely new, though, as I've found out.

Dreams are REnewed and with it, certain hopes.

The promises that I didn't or couldn't keep...I was REminded of them.

The dead visions were REvived, though not completely.

The aspirations were REvitalised, even though it might seem hard to follow through on them right now.

Though how I still wish certain things can be RE-winded, but it has passed. There probably isn't any human being on earth that can ask for the seasons to be re-winded to spring when they are experiencing winter.

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Resolutions? Quite a few, I think.

Confidence is one. I've never been good at socialising still. The feeling of being left out still hasn't left, nor the idea that I have to try really hard just to squeeze out five minutes of proper conversation compared with how others can easily dive straight into twenty minutes' worth of fun-filled topics and jokes.

Doesn't hurt to keep trying, though. Maybe the day that I get it is the day I get a partner too. Hey, it's not a crime to be a little more optimistic, right? =)

Other than that...To simply start walking down the path leading to my dreams and leading to growth.

Sounds simple, but let's not bore everyone with complicated stuff.