Black and Ginger

Who says watching movies can't be educational?

Recently, having watched Ip Man 2, I came to that conclusion.

Some might question the sanity of that statement, though...Especially when it comes to films that focused on martial arts. The immortalization of a real-life martial arts master into someone who could stir the hearts of people with his fists and personal philosophy sounds very much like a typical plot in a typical gongfu show. I have to admit the action and the fight sequences were superb. Coupled with the assumption that being an expert himself, Donnie Yen probably didn't have body doubles for all the crazy fight scenes from this and the prequel. Not to mention some simple humor to spice things up, made all the more amusing by the humility and gentlemanly conduct as portraited in the movie.

What really struck me, though, was not how fast Ip Man (Or Ye Wen, for the chinest hanyu pinyin) could pummel an opponent with his fists. What impressed me was how well he and a few side characters were being portraited in the movie. A simple analysis consists of the following:

1) Ye Wen's lack of financial expertise boils down to his conduct towards others. Although one might argue that coming from a well-off family, he probably didn't know how to handle finances well (Those who watch the first instalment might remember him giving out free stuff and not really concerned about fighting and breaking the furniture in his house) mainly because of his philantrophic spirit and unwillingness to owe someone a favour or money. Yet when he did need the money or favour, he would accept it in the end, always promising to pay it back. No hypocrisy in that.

2) Ye Wen's disposition with the people he meet. Perhaps the main crux of it was to talk about the spirit in practising martial arts (as he preaches about in the movies) and he certainly showed that with BOTH actions and words.

3)  Ye Wen's unyielding stance on his code of conduct. Refusal to budge under pressure to uphold his own principles brought him trouble but ultimately respect from his antagonists.

4) Ye Wen's human side. He wasn't the almighty hero who stood unwavering, but the little things he did before always managing a wonderfully diplomatic smile in times of adversity (he does unleash his power when there's cause for him to be really mad, though), such as looking down as though he were preparing himself made me realise that this man is simply just another human trying his very best to uphold his own standards set by himself.

5) The down-to-earth part of him. Instead of busking in the attention and glory he had brought to his own people after beating the snot out of the villainous British boxing champion, all he wanted ultimately was to go back to his loving wife and good son.

And in (5) is where I compare him to another person I admire: Paul Scholes of Manchester United. I remember him scoring an important goal for the team last season in the Champions' League. What did he do? Took the next flight (or bus, can't remember) and went home straight to his wife and kids.

The superstars today really can learn alot from these two examples. one perhaps a little fictional, while the other a real-life role model. Granted, they have different nationalities, but that shouldn't stop us from following what they have done. What's more, both had no desire to soak in the ambrosia of glory. All they wanted was to do what they felt was the right thing (Ye Wen standing up to the champion after he humiliated their martial arts, which was hyped up by the media and Scholes just doing his job - helping Man U to win).

And right there and then, I want to post these questions to people who don't know much about soccer or movies.

Who are you to ordain that movies are just for entertainment? wouldn't the Cannes Festival be a waste of time then?

Who are you to ordain that soccer is a silly game with 22 men chasing one small ball (If I may add, goalkeepers don't chase balls all the time)? Have you taken a closer look at the intricacies of the rules?

Have you taken a closer look at what lessons we can learn from these two things?

If you haven't start now. And while you're at it, I should too. At everything I see and hear about.

Quantum Tunneling

Sometimes I really feel like doing that.

Want an explanation? I think this video's the best for explanation:



Still confused? Alright...Here's a better example:

                            

Yeah, that's one way of doing quantum tunneling. Except I have to go a lot faster than that.

But that's how I really feel right now. So many stupid mistakes I made again and again. I wonder if there's a limit for people to be so...unrepentant of the past mistakes. Doing it over and over and over again is just pure stupidity. Besides, it's hurting me.

So why do I do it over and over again, unable to repent from dead works? more specifically, why do people do that?

The simplest answer would be that we still can't break out of our old habits and more importantly, addictions. I learned that in another module (that was to be tested next Tuesday. It's the last one! Yay!) that there is something called the Relapse. Perhaps it isn't because that we were unrepentant, but the fact that these addictions and habits have become a very part of ourselves that it feels strange to cut them off immediately.

That's one thing I want to try quantum tunneling for, though I do believe there's going to be some progress in destroying all of those nasty little habits. The second thing....

Social ineptness.

Maybe the people who know me might not feel it, but I most certainly do not come up with the brightest answers or questions when talking to people. Not when you know that you know that you know the person already has done that or owns something. An example:

E: So you have reservice in July right?

Person A: Err...Yah? We were in the same camp before mah.

E: Oh, you're in his group right?

Person B: Uh...Yes? If not I won't be walking with them mah. Haha.

There you go. There are worst scenarios but for the sake of viewers of all ages, those will NOT be discussed here lest you (a) Fall over and die laughing, (b) Suffer sleepless nights thinking about how stupid a person can get or (c) Be very, very tempted to brand me a liar, which would make you judgemental...And I wouldn't want that.

The only thing that can keep my conversation with someone going is when I either make some stupid comments that hardly make any sense, talk about them (as in asking questions) or basically attempting to talk about something interesting that just happened. Something that isn't serious.

Not that everyone is shallow, no....But I seem to have this tendency to stop conversations naturally, without even doing anything at all (or worse still, trying to maintain the flow of the conversation).

Maybe it's just me? Or can I actually believe that I can enjoy a group conversation? Can I actually hope for having both sides enjoying the interaction between two parties rather than only one person? Can I stop feeling left out all the time in a group?

I hope so. I want to believe so too. In fact, I want to experience that, where I want to talk to people to know more about them AND vice versa.

Maybe it's time for a makeover. Or a confidence course. Or a real wardrobe change.

Near Death

Never thought I would say this, but I thought I nearly died today.

After the first exam (General Biology, which went surprisingly well), I went down to a certain Chinese restaurant to eat my lunch and fill my stomach to be ready for the next big battle with the armies of Culture Industries. Ordered some mixed veggie rice and started eating.

The meat was fine. Not too tough and just tender enough. The scrambled egg was...okay. The rice was...not so good. Then I made the biggest mistake in the lifespan of my cafe life in NUS.

I took a huge bite of the greens, and immediately the salt threatened to engulf me from within, corroding my insides, spreading like a virus that threatened to destroy all by eating through-

Ooookay, let's stop there.

Basically, it felt like something exploded in my mouth. Being the idiot I was (probably still am in some aspect), I decided not to spit it out like it was worse than the rations I had in BMT outfield training. Instead, I decided to chew and swallow it like a man (more like an idiot, rather).

The next moment was a blur. I found myself impulsively buying a bottled drink and chugging down the liquid without knowing what it was. Could have been arsenic for all I care at that moment.

And then, I thought I saw the Son walking in front of me, in clothing whiter than white and with such a strong presence. Was he welcoming me finally? Ahh....What a wonderful feeling, it would be like floating amongst these clouds:

Look! There's light coming in from somewhere...

Till I realise that I was nearly choking on the Mountain Dew and instead saw a girl with shoulder length hair walking past. And she wasn't even wearing white.

Talk about delusions....

And then I tried to continue eating the meal, though this time I found something very interesting: I refused to touch the veggies initially, only doing so when I plucked up my courage, though I keep putting them back immediately at the first hint of any excess salt.

Interesting, isn't it? That when I get my behind handed to me on a plate by certain circumstances or challenges, that I can stand up - albeit after some struggling - and go at it again, no matter how many times I get pummelled into the ground.

All it took was a handful of salt (a LARGE handful, if I may add...Sometimes I SWEAR they are out to kill someone and make it look like an accident) and some not-so healthy looking veggies that stopped me right there and then.

Interesting contrast, don't you think?

Greed and Desire: Broken Thoughts

Greed: a selfish and excessive desire for more of something (as money) than is needed

 

Desire: : to long or hope for : exhibit or feel desire for

 

Both from the ever-reliable Merriam-Webster. 

 

Sometimes I wonder if I ask too much. I wonder if wanting to know what is it like to be surrounded by care and concern many times is considered greedy, especially when I have had that feeling a few times already(At least, those several times were more memorable). Did my desire to make friends stack with the greed to get that feeling? 

Desire can be good, but from the two definitions mentioned above, an excess of it leads to greed. 

So sometimes I wonder if people who end up being extremely attention-seeking experience such a phenomenon. Or when a lack of it can cause someone's desire to warp into that. 

Maybe it's mutated into something worse.

Jealousy? Envy? Melancholy? Confusion? 

Bad stuff. 

And just like opening Pandora's Box, I still think there's that Hope there, somewhere.

Just need to keep looking for it...

Intruder, They Misunderstood

I feel like an intruder sometimes.

I can't help it. Sometimes it just feels like even though I want to do something for that person that I'm reaching out to, he/she rejects in one way or another.


There's directness and indirectness, of course, but it feels like being more indirect hurts much more, because it generates uncertainty. Being direct sends you warning signs immediately to back off, but being indirect...What am I suppose to think and how am I suppose to act?

Truth to be told, that would be a little unfair. I have been pretty indirect at times and some people are just like that. You can't blame them for being who they are after having such a trait formed through their interactions with their social circle (friends) and past experiences. But there are times where you just wish everything was so straightforward, where when I ask someone if I'm bothering him/her, he/she would just give me a clear answer instead of saying "No lah, not really..." Then shifting your eyes away to look at somewhere else.

Worse still, of course, is when you totally ignore the person who tries to talk to you.The least one could do


I know...because I like to observe people and always had retrospectives on my own actions, so I know.

Or maybe they are just being considerate of my feelings. That's another positive possibility and therein lies the conflict. To be considerate and hurt his feelings, or to be direct and hurt his feelings, period?

Then sometimes I wonder if I'm being too much of an intruder when making friends.

"What? Don't be ridiculous...Who doesn't want a new friend unless he/she's in a bad mood or is a social recluse?"

Sound advice. Sound encouragement. Unfortunately, it almost seems like I'm hitting brick walls whenever I do my best to ease my way into the social circle. Try to talk mundane topics. Try to make jokes. Try to get to know people.

But guess what? No one's interested. Not so many laugh, sadly, and there is hardly any reciprocity to be found. Conversations when I try this out countless times goes like this:

E: What school are you from?

Person: Oh, from ******.

E: Oh, okay. I heard 'this and that' about that school before. My friend used to study there.

Person: Oh, okay.

E:...That book looks interesting. What's it about?

 *Someone else comes along, talks with the person like they are old friends. More friends from the group join in*

That is how my life as a social wanderer started...and is still ongoing, though I have a home to return to sometimes. Sounds like some red-haired wandering samurai in a fictitious setting - Only without the really good friends and romantic stuff.

Well, I do have good friends...But the wanderings were more frequent than the stay-ins (not the army one, of course). 

I can't join in now, can I? It would be like putting a bronze link in a silver necklace - Out of place. Even if I did, it felt out of place. Everyone has their place in the necklace already to make it seem perfect. In fact, more silver links can be added in. But somehow or other I stick out like a sore thumb all the time. There was even an instant where a friend asked me if I joined them just because of a pretty girl in the group.

Well, who doesn't like beautiful things and people? The thing is, is that what it looks like? That I join a group because I have some strange, ulterior motive? That I joined you because I want to look cool? That I joined you because I want to get that much closer to a girl? That I join you because I want some kind of benefits from studying with the people who have much better results than I have?

No, man. All I wanted was friendship. Now that the shackles of being a social recluse have come off, I want to know more people. I want to be interested in the lives of others - Obviously together with the people I prefer to interact with -. I want to feel the joy of friendship.

But you know what? Sometimes even I feel this weird aura from myself that keeps people away.

Is it my looks? Is it my self-imposed disability to smile even though I try (those shackles haven't come off fully yet, I think). Is it the fact that I have nothing interesting to share about? Is it because I don't watch the movies or TV shows that I consider to be generic and you rave about? Is it my sense of fashion (or lack thereof)? Is it the way that I laugh at your jokes even though I don't know you that well?

I don't know, but I hate this feeling. More than that, I hate it when the feeling doesn't last when you actually have a good time with others once in a while. I hate dishing out fake smiles and telling lies about how I have something urgent when I obviously don't feel comfortable with being ignored or just being another person that makes up the numbers of the group. I hate being the person that no one's interested in.

Most of all, I hate feeling like an intruder.

Attention seeking? Yeah, maybe. What's wrong with that? I feel like I'm entitled to some of that after so long an absence away from social stuff.

Same goes for the people whom you ignored too, you know.

Using the Sword

You know how the word of my King is supposed to be our sword against whatever bad things and boogeymen that are against us?




It's true. Just that not everyone can use it well. The handle doesn't exactly fit all the time.

Talking about handles or sword hilts, I went to a katana-forging website out of curiosity and realised that forging one isn't as easy as it seems. You need to do a lot of processes, some including the folding of the metal bar at the very beginning to form kawagane steel that gives the blade it's distinctive edges. The folding is required for multiple times before there is an acceptable piece of metal there for forging. (Details are too...detailed, so I won't be allowed the pleasure of explaining it. Too bad.)

It seems similar in a way, how we should keep doing certain things over and over again to ensure that our blade is strong, sharp and yet not brittle. That's the reason why we keep reading the Word. That's the reason why believers keep going back to church, listening to the same verses yet receiving new blessings and revelations.

Even after that, we still need to shape the blade, do a clay covering, do the quenching, do the sizing, then apply the finish. The next process comes with fitting the blade into the right handle and saya (scabbard).

Tough? Yeah, I know. But many are still doing it.

Upon knowing that my King dislikes people to stop trying, I would think that this is what it means to continuously forge your own blade to fight against your giants.

Sometimes as you go through trials (the heat during the quenching), we need to apply important aspects of the Word to pull us through (clay covering). We need to try to set a balance to size our priorities accordingly (sizing). Are we going to make the blade small or large according to our problems?

We need to apply the finish, in that we will be able to make full use of the Word through refinement of our own spiritual walk with the King. Not everyone is able to do this completely, but it's a process.

Next comes the handle - Are we using the wrong size for the handle? Is the Word appropriate? Then the saya - Are we able to keep it sheathed and draw it out when needed instead of recklessly waving it around?

Just an insight...

Bit by bit, piece by piece/Effort and Strength

I think I'm going to learn how to take things as they come.

Right now, it's just a morsel every time I ask for something. But most of the time I feel that it's sufficient for now. If I can't believe in myself, the least I can do is believe in God's promises.

The reader here probably has a bit to say about how repetitive it sounds, but remember the merry-go-round analogy? Remember the roller-coaster comparison? That's how it is.

Up and down. Buoyant and depressive. Light and dark. It would be a lie to say that life is pretty simple, even as a Christian. Because we are human as well, not some holier-than-thou priest who chants scriptures all day long and pray in tongues even when in the MRT train with lots of people about.

Despite that, one can't discount the blessings given to us. Given to me, more specifically. Even the smallest, tiniest blessing. Even that challenging phase in my life.

Instead of saying "Damn this problem!", I'm learning to say, "Thank you for the challenge, such that I know more about my own weaknesses and strengths. Thank you for the trial such that I can be strengthened and learn more to lean on your strength rather than on my own."

Instead of saying "Why is this happening?" I'm learning to say, "I shall do my very best and lift the rest up to you."

The key word is 'Learning'.

As for effort, perhaps I was too quick to judge on the starting block thing. It is still true that I start a little worse off than most people, and that there are those who come later than me having a better start than I do.

Thing is, I have tried. I really have. But maybe it isn't enough. After all, sometimes when I go at 150%, It's one of the two scenarios below that will occur:

(1) I burn out (sadly, no idea how to change this except to keep strengthening myself in body, mind and spirit)

(2) my 150% might not even be the 75% of the people in front of me.

Maybe that's what it means to start off slow. Maybe my King wants me to learn the virtues of hard work and diligence more than ever before. After all, I did ask Him that I want to come forth as gold.

Someone give me a congratulatory slap on the back for asking for trouble.

No. Actually, perhaps this is really what I wanted, and this is really want my King has given to me. Guess I need to step up. Before that, though, as the athlete, I have to go through that rigorous training to improve my stamina, speed and strength. Again, not easy...But who said it was? If it were that easy, I would like to think that more than 90% of the world's population would love to get saved.

So Lord, help me to improve myself. Help me to build up stamina with your endurance runs. Help me to build up strength with your spiritual barbells. Help me to build up speed with your timed runs with the Holy Spirit. Help me to gain wisdom by interacting and watching other better athletes do their thing. Help me to gain knowledge through the nutrition book of the Word.

Then maybe I can start going at 200% and I can keep trying even when others have long stopped their training.

David vs Goliath. Exel vs Goliath, Goliath, Goliath....AND Goliath?!

Sometimes I wonder how David felt when he faced Goliath. Even though he knew that God was behind him, wasn't he in the least bit afraid?

Perhaps not. After all, he was the man after God's heart. One of the most normal people I've read about but with a pure desire to follow his God as much as he could. Maybe at that time he was already so convicted in his heart with the promises from God that not even the giant could stand against him. That he could pick up the sword that probably weigh several times more than him.

Just like David, everyone has their own giants to deal with, all of them coming in all shapes and sizes. Tall or squat, fat or thin, handsome or ugly, outwardly aggressive or deceptively dangerous...Just to name a few.

You know, it's pretty fine to have one giant staring you down and looking at you as though you were that next cockroach he's going to crush under his feet. In fact, it's quite okay to have them stand in line, one by one. The fun part comes when all of them converge on you, each discussing a mundane topic while trying to come up with bets on who gets to step on your first.

I gather that everyone has this kind of a moment before, where every problem you could possibly dream up of looms over you like a foreboding shadow, each trying to eat into your light of hope before finally snapping it like a twig before grounding you into the floor. Where they are so huge that they block your dreams and goals away, sometimes even to the extent of making the adage 'out of sight, out of mind' come true.

That I know, which is why comparison is pretty stupid in this case and I WILL NOT compare my own troubles to others, no matter how mundane/terrible it is.

I do hope that somehow God will give me a slingshot with multiple slings and tonnes of stones, where his hand guides my aim. If not, a giant-slaying sword would be nice - Just swing it around, cleave those big buggers into two and get on with my goals and dreams.Where others have already moved on ahead, here I am, still asking and waiting for my weapon.

I want to stop being behind everyone. I want to learn more about my King. I want to stop being so rebellious. I want to learn this and that, do this and that, become stronger, become more spiritual.

Whining? That's most unbecoming if you look at it that way, I suppose...But those are all valid desires to me, for if I'm not strong enough, how can I wield the sword? If I'm always behind others, even those who came later than me, how can I be a guide? If I'm not learning new things, won't I be regressing? If I'm always so rebellious, how can I receive the blessing of God?

Maybe it's the difference in our starting lines and how we move off from the starting blocks. Everyone else's are ahead of you, the amateur sprinter. Some have theirs a little behind yours.

Sometimes you do it again and again due to starting errors and every once in a while you get it good, look back, feel good about the improvements you made. Then you look ahead, and see that everyone, almost everyone-including those who had their starting blocks placed behind yours-already ahead of you. You run with all your might, yet the gap never closes. You start to give up a little and the gap widens. You-as Singaporeans love to say-'wake up your idea' and start up again. The gap closes, but it's the same distance as before.

I really want to say 'liddat lor', but this time it isn't simple. I'm discontented with where I am. I want to change, to improve and show everyone that the potential they were talking about in me could actually manifest. I wanted to look at the faces of my silent critics and laugh in their faces. Most of all, I wanted to be a prime example of just how God could change a person so drastically-From a childish guy of 20-odd years with no direction in lif and lacking in confidence e to a mature dude of 20 odd years who was comfortable with who he is and knew where he was going.

It's true the distance has increased, but comparing a 50 km/h car to one that's able to move at 100 km/h, which would you choose?

I really want to shrug off my past. I really do, but everytime I try to surge past the gians after putting a few to eternal sleep, the other hands grab at me and slow me down, sometimes even pulling me back into their midst. Then I have to restart again, while lots of other people have already slain their giants completely or have outran them. There are new ones too; Things that everyone face, of course. Life without challenges isn't really a life per se.

So, what do I do next?

To be frank, I have absolutely no idea, except build that darn sword with the materials God will provide me sooner or probably later or wait for it to come.

I'll be honest...I'm tired of waiting, but knowing me, I'll probably go back to waiting again and honing my patience once more a few days later.

So....Does anyone have a good sword hilt or something that can help me start?

Believe in the Belief

Sometimes it's the smallest things that make you wonder whether you can-no, whether my King (or yours) can make things happen, especially when it's been so, so long since I've seen anything at all happening immediately. Especially when you're in a time of transition, transformation and transfiguration.

Or so I hope. No more nerdy glasses! No more lame bags! No more lousy sense of fashion! No more wardrobes dominated by hand-me-downs! No more twig-like arms and legs!

Or so I hope.

Okay, I digress. Had a terrible thunderstorm beating on me with its winds like clubs. Nearly tore the lithe little green brolly from my grasp, which inadvertently led to me enjoy a little of those raindrops I always wanted to...Only not during this period. A flu would be seriously damaging to me at this period of examinations.

And that reminded me of this:


http://www.comp.nus.edu.sg/~hchia/funny.html

 Another attempt at humor, though this time it's borrowed.Gotta find those GIFs somewhere. Looking at them always makes me want to laugh.
(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT responsible for any kind of similar attitude YOU might have when you enter university. So there.)

On with the story, yes?

Rain can get you down sometimes, especially when you're late for a prayer meeting because of another 'rare' track fault whenever the skies cry. I tried reading my notes, but there was this nagging thought at the back of my head that wouldn't go away. After fruitlessly staring at the same slide for 15 minutes, I decided to listen to that inner part of the mind.

Lo and behold, one person popped up in my mind. Being something of a pragmatist, I waved that thought away quickly, not wanting to get distracted. I returned to my notes and found some small measure of success. The thought came flying back right after I memorised some aspects of cultural policy for cultural industries.

This time, like the gullible little fishy, I bit the bait.

The idea was simple: All I wanted was to see that person and I asked my King for that. Just one, simple wish that would calm my mind and prepare me to pray to him with more focus. Pragmatism and hope did a little tug of war and the former won by a small margin.

I won't see that person...Nah, it's too improbable. There's no way that person would be appearing just like that, not when that person's errand was a little later than the time I would take to reach the interchange...right? 

Getting off the train with those thoughts still lingering in my mind, Hope made a tiny comeback and I thought it wouldn't hurt just to keep a lookout.

Guess what? I saw that person. Sad thing is, it was too crowded and like many other commuters rushing. Guess I should have asked for an opportunity to talk.

But it was enough. Strangely, my mind calmed down and focus came naturally and to my 'utter horror', I found myself smiling naturally.

Sometimes, we just have to take that one step to believe. Even at the very last moment, where we have been mired deep in disbelief, sometimes we just need to believe and ask. Specifically.

And just that alone made my belief that much stronger.

I'm not going to back down. I'm going to keep believing and believing. Even though it might seem impossible now, even though it feels like I can't make it at times. If obstacles come, I'll keep fighting and fighting till I attain my victory.

In a sense, someone might get hurt. All I know is that I won't be the one. When the time comes, I shall be that much stronger. I shall be that much more emotionally and mentally stable that truly, no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Ever.

Seize the kairos moment. Carpe Diem.

Humor and the Raw(r)

How does one become funny?

Been wondering about that for days. I can't really crack a really good joke that keeps people laughing till they wish they hadn't listen to it. The stuff I make either send shivers up the spines of people, summon crows in the sky or just...totally ignored altogether.

=(

Slapstick isn't really everyone's thing. Besides, there's more than their share of people playing clowns. To be humorous without intending to be, to be make people laugh just by a twist of your facial expression...I wanna do that. Not just because I want to be the centre of attention, but also to make people happy.

I had my moments, of course. During a NM 3215 Advertising Strategies presentation about advertising the Allswell brand in front of the whole module cohort, this was what happened:

E:....And through our microsite, we will measure the success of it by the number of hits-

Lecturer: *Rings the bell twice to indicate I have only 1 minute left*

E:-Thank you. And-

*Whole lecture theatre explodes into laughter*

And there I was, not even sure what was so funny till my friends told me. Now that was what I wanted.

But I don't have it. I can't talk to people and make them laugh just like that with a snap of my fingers. At best, lukewarm and polite laughter. At worst, silence.

How do people do it? Talk so easily, make conversation and out of nowhere, teasing and jokes, then laughter.

Maybe I should start researching on this after exams and when I'm not so hungry.

Speaking of hungry....FOOD!!! Once in a white moon (A bit too often, actually), I get a random craving for certain foodstuffs. This time, it's Sashimi.

I salivate whenever I think about it recently. Haven't taken the next fatal step of dreaming about it yet, thankfully, or I might find myself lying on the floor the next day with broken pieces of wood around me and splinters in my mouth.

Bad news is, the darn ash is causing all those imports of salmon to Japan from Norway to delay. I've got a feeling the Land of the Rising Sun isn't the only country affected.

Now, if only I can afford the money and time for some really good Toro and Tako....

..........

Darn it. Screw it.

Thinking about it just gets me concerned and depressed about why I'm not a better person. A more qualified person. A happier person. A more spiritual person.

Darn it all. I think I shall DROWN in my studies just to keep those thoughts away. Make fun of me and face the consequences.

Prayer helps too, but looking at social networks and whatnot and unintentionally breaking the flow of conversations....It gets to me.

Not like I'm going to be missed much either on those things, though I'm grateful there are quite a number of people now who care enough to ask. Thanks.

But right now, shush. Getting irritated at being utterly powerless at talking to some people and getting more than just one-word/sentence answers that are totally nondescript.

Tell me, am I really that boring to talk to?!?

Study. Pray. Shut up...Lest I annoy others again...

Better Late than Never...?

Looking at the younger generation now, I keep pondering these things...What if I had been like them?

What if, in my youth, I had been more proactive in forging friendships that would last? What if I had taken more initiative to invite them out instead of waiting? Would I be stuttering and mumbling my way through conversations presently, then stagger out of it leaving the other person feeling bored and unsatisfied?

What if I had been active in job seeking after my JC and army days instead of lazing around, trying to find my muse for writing at that time? Would I have been more confident? Would I already have a more contemporary wardrobe instead of hand-me-downs and oversized shirts? Would I have been so worried about money right now? Would I always need to find financial blessing amongst my friends, being the pauper always there to just eat and provide entertainment?

What if I had worked much, much harder in my first year? Would I have been struggling now, with my fourth year as doubtful as Manchester United's title chances this season?

(PS: Ironically, I still DO believe they will get it this season. So if they get it, my confidence will skyrocket. If they don't...well, I'll just work harder..)

What if I had been more sociable? What if I had done more to make myself look more presentable? What if I hadn't partially tore my left knee cruciate ligament?

What if? What if? What if....?

So many what ifs. It's still a key issue for me at the moment. I've always been late and most of the time, it isn't intentional. Perhaps the sloth displayed in not finding a job might prove a point for argument, but the severe lack of self-confidence played an important role at that point in time. So great was it that it crippled me completely, leaving me paralyzed in the social realm, causing me to freeze when it came to writing stories, stripping me of my nerves when it came to displaying visual cues to tell others how I was truly feeling then.

It's obviously too darn late to worry about the things past, especially when they are about my own mistakes. What done is done; It's time to move on.

But sometimes, it's that irritating 'done' stuff that throws a banana peel from behind while you were not looking and cause you to slip and fall, like some competitor who is a sore loser and trying to catch up with you. The worse thing is, he STILL tries to trip you up when he caches up temporarily, though ultimately he will fall behind, but you become sore, bruised. You're hurt and it's showing via the slowing down of your increasingly leaden feet and bad injuries.

I can't even count how many bruises there are right now, but when I try to dribble the ball forward and take a shot, the shirt pulling from behind begins and I send the ball into orbit. Sometimes it gets stolen from me instead and I'm left gesturing and glaring like CR9 (though I'm nowhere near his level).

I really want to look forward. In fact, I can proudly say that my King has been helping me in looking forward and I've met some success with that. Unfortunately, when it comes to certain things, the irritating John Terrys or Nemandja Vidics start wanting my shirt from behind.

What if I had been saved and integrated in church long before this? Would I have been more open? Would I have been more amiable? Would I, most importantly, have been more spiritual and be able to do more things for my King and for other believers? Would I have been more effective in evangelism instead of struggling just to maintain a joyful face in campus every single day?

Would I have been able to talk to some people more freely? Would I have been more humorous, more of a social butterfly and allow other people to enjoy my company?

Would I then, stop feeling as though I've so much, so much to catch up on?

I want to know, of course...But it's pointless. One of the important lessons I'm still learning is that my King has a purpose for me. A purpose that required me to be going through all these trials, all these maddening moments where you teeter between self-doubt and godly belief. Where you are the rope in the tug of war between both sides. Where sometimes, it feels as though you're tearing apart...even though you're not.

Sometimes, it might seem like late is always too late. Like I've already missed out on so much fun and wonderful things and friendships.

But I'm still going to try anyway. No pretense. No false intentions.

It's the only good thing I probably have left to offer too, so why not?

The Schizophrenic Chameleon

Change.

A simple six-letter word consisting of four consonants and two vowels, yet so very meaningful. Such a small word, but with big meaning behind it.

Sometime today, I suddenly asked myself: Why do some of us change? Why do some of us hate change? Why do we give up halfway when we want to change?

The answer should be familiar. We strive to take a different route because the same old route is "BOOOOORING!" (youths). We want to be radical (new age musicians). We want a better life (disgruntled employee). We want to be free (a certain famous killer whale).

Simply put, we are unhappy with our circumstances.

Ever wondered, then, why some people don't change?

Aside from the customary AND judgmental answer of "Because they are lazy" or "Because they are too passive), I would think that change signifies stepping into unfamiliar territory. Once you are there, sometimes your compass stops working. Sometimes a mist forms, shrouding your road ahead with mystery and uncertainty. Sometimes a storm brews, throwing you back and forth till you wonder - while clinging on to someone else's laundry line - what possessed you to even think about changing.

Change is risky. Change is uncertain. Change is difficult.

Sometimes, you want to change, then you halt quickly and ask yourself: "Do I want that?" This is the kind of response I have right now. Do I really want it? Isn't there the possibility that if I change, I would lose the original flavor of Goh Tsoon Liang Exel and in place of that are artificial colorings and flavours? (Preservatives not included).

If I changed...Would I become a better person? Would the people from before still know me (if they ever did knew me in this first place, that is)? Would I have become a stranger that tries hard to make friends, but scare off people instead?


Then there are others who tell me to 'be myself'. That is wonderful advice especially in some circumstances when you don't know how to act/react, but in the transition of change, do I still know what is 'myself'?

It's a scary thought, knowing that I might lose my identity altogether. Knowing that the changes I'm undergoing might make me more approachable, but just like every other person who attempts the same old route of becoming a swan after years of being laughed at as an ugly duckling. The result? A generic transformation into a good-looking, more charismatic version of himself...with some cover-ups on the flaws still present.

That's the thing with certain shows nowadays. The story goes like this: The fat girl doesn't stay fat and live happily ever after; she SLIMS DOWN then lives happily ever after. The tried and true formula with that familiar seasoning of the generic definition of beauty in society. Wonderful, isn't it? After all, being fat is still something of a taboo in society even if we are all becoming more open-minded.

I'm not saying it isn't good to change, but the simple thought of the eccentric part of me leaving because group norms and society demands it makes me shudder. But if I don't conform, I'll be left out. Simple as that.

So how? So how liddat?

The Singaporean answer would be "Liddat lor." =D

Simple as that. Change, but leave parts of me inside. Even though the future is uncertain and sometimes I make stupid mistakes, but somehow I think things will work out. When they don't....Well, I will just 'walk one step, look one step' lor.

Change can be good....

Caption: Change is the Essence of Life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

Change can ALSO be bad.

What to do? LIDDAT LOR. =P

Freedom: Expectedly Unexpected, Fourth Song

It's funny how - when all you are thinking about is helping others and doing your best - in the end you are the one that's being helped. Even by the people who you have been praying for.

Truly, my King works in mysterious ways that cannot be fathomed even by the most brilliant human minds in the world. Even when I felt like He really wanted me to ask for something, it seems that I got another thing in return.

It was a really weird feeling. I had no idea that while I was praying for someone else, in the end I was the one being prayed for. And one, or rather, a few of the people I had been praying for were the ones who did that. Can you spell S-T-R-A-N-G-E?

Seriously though, it was a wonderful feeling. It felt like I had done some spring cleaning mentally without waiting for a 'proper' time. It's a fact: There is NO proper time. There's only my King's time. When He moves, you won't even know it was Him until He had blessed and comforted/delivered you and moved on a long time ago. It makes hindsight look like the most wondrous invention in the world, you know.

But seriously, it was so out of the blue that it felt like I had been hit with a wave. A lustrous wave of silk and satin that sought to bring me comfort and reassurance. Earlier, I had foolishly thought that it didn't matter that hardly anyone cared. It didn't matter that someone unknown was going to pray for me when I went down with a willing heart.

I was wrong on both counts.

Firstly, it wasn't that 'it didn't matter' and I knew it. I was deceiving myself and when the time came, it wasn't that hardly anyone cared. Everyone that I knew and were around me cared, and I instantly knew it.

It was an inexplicable feeling, but the moment I felt hands upon me, it was like there was a silky but strong veil surrounding me, protecting me from spiritual harm and attempting to filter out the weeds that were growing in my garden. It was a tough thing to handle, these weeds, which leads me to my next point.

Secondly, it did matter that someone that I did not really know was praying for me. Pulling at the weeds bit by bit was one thing. Totally uprooting them in a forceful yet caring way (Oxymoron alert!) was another.

With that, spring cleaning was done. I. Am. Free.

Which leaves me so very free to run the good race for one last day before getting ready to do battle with my examinations in all earnestness. Which leaves me so very free to start expecting the flowers in my visions to bloom, the winter to turn into spring and for my journey to add in bliss.

It has got me believing again, no matter what the current situation might be. All it took were two touches and a smile, and I was so very ready to believe again and continue fighting and living for my visions and dreams.

And lastly, the long-awaited fourth step into Dreamland:

* * *

In the Lion City, there was once a man who dreamed big. He wanted to do great things that would astound and impress many people. He wanted to be the one to do something that was outstanding, even radical that would eclipse even the greatest achievements by the great men and women of the city. He wanted to wow the girl of his dreams that he would be able to get closer to her and start a relationship. Being a good, honest and kind person, the man received much moral support from his friends, family and loved ones.

One day, God spoke to him as he had just finished exercising.

"Man of great dreams, hear me."

"Yes, Lord?"

"You'll be able to achieve great things. In due time-"

The man cut him off. "Thank you Lord! This is the affirmation I needed! I'll go and start planning for it right away!"

God was not finished. "Wait, young man. I still have more for you..."

But in his excitement, the overjoyed man did not listen. So happy was he that he immediately spoke of his encounter with his friends. Many were happy for him and offered their support, while a few others were doubtful and asked him to seek God again for advice. The man rejected their offers nicely, claiming that he could do anything now that he had the support of God.

One day, the seemingly perfect opportunity came for him. A lightning bolt struck a pillar from the national monument and it toppled to the ground. The pillar was a hundred metres long and weigh more than a thousand tonnes. As it fell, the pillar obstructed the road for many pedestrians, causing a lot of trouble for them.

This is my chance! The man ran all the way to the place where the pillar had collapsed. Having trained and learned as much as he could to prepare for such a day, the man rolled up his sleeves, took a deep breath and with a mighty heave, lifted the pillar up upon his shoulders. People stopped to look and began pointing excitedly at him. Some asked him what he was going to do with the pillar.

"I shall take this pillar out of the city. I shall erect it on the tallest hill and sculpt it such that everyone will be able to see it!"

Some laughed, though others cheered him on. His friends also came to see what the commotion was about, and offered their aid to him.

The man shook his head. "No, I'll be fine on my own." With that, he began pulling the pillar along with a spring in his step. As he moved, the people on the streets started cheering and it spurred him on. After all, he was helping everyone while impressing them. His friends would definitely be pleased.

The man took the pillar for ten miles and though diminished, there was still a crowd cheering for him He took it for twenty miles and though further diminished, there was still groups of people egging him on. He took it for thirty miles and though even further reduced, there were still pockets of people cheering him on.

As he reached forty miles, the man began to tire. There were hardly any people left except for a few passerby who either stared at him strangely or tried to make small talk with him. He obliged, but even then the man began sweating under the stifling heat from the sun and the biting cold from the rain.

At fifty miles, the man was truly fatigued. I can't take a rest now, he thought, wondering how his friends would laugh at him if he took too long to return. Wild thoughts began to assault him about how everyone else was having a relatively easy life compared to his and how his dream girl would already have met someone she preferred over him. The man grunted and panted his way to the sixty-mile mark, trudging towards it with what was now his burden over his shoulder.

Amazingly, as he reached the sixty-mile milestone, the load became lighter. It came to a point where he felt as though he could run with the whole thing. This is great! Looks like God is giving me strength! Yet when he called out, there was neither booming voice to be heard nor presence to be felt. Feeling puzzled, the man continued.

At seventy miles, the burden suddenly became heavy again, and he finally sat down, totally exhausted. The ease he had when taking his pillar was gone and his strength depleted. He looked up into the sky and shouted in frustration.

"God, where are you?! Didn't you say that I was going to do greater things? Didn't you say that I could go to greater heights?"

Unperturbed, God finally spoke to him. "Take a break, then try lifting the pillar up again."

"What would a break do for me?! How am I-"

"Rest. Now."

This time, the man obeyed and took a nap. Half an hour later, he woke up and felt refreshed. Thanking God silently, he took the pillar and moved on without looking back and once again felt the lightness.

Past the hundred and forty-mile mark, the man tired once more. This time, he was puzzled. There were many times where the pillar felt heavy, while at other times it felt as though he could sprint away with it without stopping. Every time he stopped to look behind, there was nothing. There was no divine hand that God sent down to help him. There was no person in sight. No, not a single one. How was that possible?

Then, God spoke to him once more.

"You have a question, my son."

"Yes, Lord. Why is it that my pillar feels so heavy at times, while during others it was as light as a feather?"

"Let me ask you this first, my son: Do you feel tired?"

"Yes, Lord. So much that I hardly feel like moving on sometimes."

"Do you feel a sense of loneliness?"

"Yes, Lord. So much that I just want to see my friends and the person I care about, even for a few minutes."

"Do you, then, trust in what I have to say?"

The man laughed wistfully. "If only I had done so earlier, Lord."

"Then pick up your pillar and run. When you've picked up speed, turn around and look behind."

The man obeyed without question this time and steeled himself as he heaved the heavy thing onto his shoulder once more. Gritting his teeth, he mustered all the strength he could in his legs and broke off into a sprint. When his strength failed, he mustered all his mental strength to keep him going. Finally, he managed to get into a run and as he did so, the pillar felt lighter and lighter.

With trepidation, the man looked back.

To his amazement, at the second half of the pillar, his friends were there. Those who he thought had abandoned him. Those who had asked him to reconsidered. Those who had sought to help him. Even the people he cared about were there, all lifting the pillar on their shoulders, huffing and puffing as they kept it up. The man could even see a young man with his arms outstretched, attempting to add in as much strength as he could.

"You see now?" God spoke gently. "This is what's sustaining you. This is what's giving you strength. While you seek to help others, there were others still who want to help you. Others who you thought didn't care. Others who you thought were against you. Others to help you lift up your dream when you start losing sight of it. Others who will help you in whatever way possible."

With tears in his eyes, the man replied. "How can I ever thank you, Lord?"

"It is not only me, child. You have your friends to thank, for it is their desire to help you that allows them to travel so far just to aid you."

The man nodded and as he set down his pillar for another rest, ten miles away from his objective, he sincerely thanked every single person before they could plan and do the final sprint to the hill.

Then God spoke to him again. "My son, hear me as I speak."

"Yes, Lord?"

"Wait. Do not move just yet."

"But why, Lord? Aren't we in the final lap of the goal? Now it's the time to seize the day!"

"My child, just wait till noon tomorrow."

Puzzled, the man obeyed nevertheless. That night, a great congregation of dark clouds brewed a great thunderstorm, eroding the soil on the hill, making it so treacherous that not even the most sure-footed mountain goat would survive it.

As the storm cleared, the man waited till it was noon before finally setting the pillar on the hill.

* * *

Aesop time!

1.) There are many times when God gives us a promise, a hope or a dream so great that it gets us all excited. But in our excitement, have we forgotten to WAIT upon the Lord's instruction? Have we given Him enough time to finish speaking to us before rushing off headlong into things? Are we then, respecting Him?

2.) There are many times where friends and loved ones give us advice or offer to help us but we say "It is MY dream. Let ME do it my way." When we fail and start becoming bitter, blaming others and even blaming God...Have we assessed our own attitudes previously? Have we ACTIVELY sought God CONSTANTLY for all the dreams we wanted to come true? Have we pushed away the friends and people who love us in ways that sometimes we don't understand?

3.) There are many times where we feel so impatient, wanting to fulfill our dreams as soon as possible that we charge on with drive and passion, refusing to rest, always hoping to reach the destination as soon as possible. Are we then, like the man who did not want to rest till God ALLOWED the circumstances to force him to rest, with a STERN word?

4.) Sometimes, God breaks us through many circumstances. He keeps silent because He wants us to go through them. He does not speak because He knows we would not listen to Him. Sometimes it is through the trials and tribulations that when we emerge from it, battered, bruised, lost and utterly heartbroken that only then will we listen. Only then will our hearts be contrite.

5.) Sometimes, we always believe in helping others while attempting to attain our dreams. But there are also many times where our own strength fails us and we fall. Our dreams, once so easily carried, became a burden, bogged down by the cares of life, disappointments, heartaches and loneliness. Although we may not feel it tangibly, there will ALWAYS be someone trying to help you as much as they can. Even when we think they don't care. Even when we think God doesn't care. But they do. Even people you don't expect to, in the most unexpected ways.

6.) Sometimes, we really have to wait for the right season and timing for our dreams to come to pass. The man had to wait before he could complete his dream. He listened to God, who determines what the fate of your dream ultimately is. More importantly, the man believed in God after his experiences and waited, knowing that his God-given dreams were destined to be fulfilled in God's time. Are we then, waiting long enough? Are we always impatient, always asking God for this and that to be fulfilled at our own timings?

Hope you managed to get through the whole thing. Cheers! =D

Love and Death

Yess...Finally, a more positive post!

Before anyone goes off on a tangent about this being centered around some tragic love story like Romeo & Juliet, let me reiterate that both are for something good.

Throughout the entire week, I've been wondering about Love and its lesser alternate self, the Infatuation. I've been thinking about the different forms of love shown for various people and realised that despite all the romance novels we read, all the fanshippings we support and all that ra-ra whenever it comes to Valentine's Day or St. White's Day, it all boils down to one thing.

We all have A LOT to learn about love, no matter who we are.

Every day is a new learning opportunity, especially when you find that you can't forgive this friend who stood you up more times than a Math major can count. When this person you want to speak to acts differently, speaks differently and behaves differently from others. When you realise that you were the idiot who has been dragging down your entire project team all the time and feel really guilty about it.

Face it...It's not just neither about just hearts and roses nor sweet dates and grand weddings. It's about almost everything in your world.

Recently I've assessed myself about Love and was found wanting. There was so much lack that it seemed like the hearts of some people became a bottomless well or even an arid desert: It was impossible to pour rivers of affection or care for them sometimes. Sometimes you just look at it, shake your head and give up the ghost.

Everyone has moments like this, I think. So what makes me any different?

Nothing.

Nothing at all. Everyone faces such moments. Everyone goes through ups and downs and merry-go-rounds. Everyone faces obstacles in attempting to love one another. Everyone, at some point, find it a fool's errand to look for Love and consulted celibacy successfully. Some found it, took it in their arms, loosened their grip and lose it. Others proved a little more successful, always grasping and searching until they got a good grip on the little heart with wings.

Sad to say, I haven't, and it looks like the heart might well be fluttering away for reasons not known. Despite the amount of belief I poured into it. For the first time ever. And I thought that with such fervency, I would attain it somehow.

Bleak, bleak prospects.

But again, the human heart plays us for the fool. We always doubt, finding excuses to think that things won't turn out right. We're always wondering about whether we can really attain that blessing since it seemed so unreal, that something like that has not happened for the past 20 odd years. How is it possible that it happens to us now?

Not many have successfully turned the tide of pessimism to win a delightful victory over it. The Son is, of course, one of them. Naturally, I aim to be in this group as well. No matter how bleak the prospects seem, no matter how thick the mist of uncertainty is in my path, that sliver of light at the end of the road is all I can cling on to.

If He is for me, who can be against me?

Then I realise that change needs to come too. What am I lacking? A heart of love: pure, innocent, sacrificial, enduring. I'm working on that, but in the process, something must go.

Something must Die.

The blemishes on an otherwise clean slate that the King has given me time and time again; the cracks on a perfectly polished marble surface; the stains on that spotless white suit that cost you a grand.

The darkness in your otherwise willing and righteous (contestable for me still) heart.

That is the Death I'm talking about and as long as it lives, I shall allow the King to be the harbringer of death in such things.

Then will I possibly, like a dove, bring peace to my own heart and love to others. Instead of always thinking how I should be attaining love, I would hopefully now think how the person I love, the people I love can be happy, even without me.

Long and hard road filled with hurt, pain and suffering. But I guess....that's the way it is. Unless my King blesses me unexpectedly again, of course.

Not that I'd mind a surprise birthday present.

Realization and Musings

I have been pretty foolish, haven't I?

On one hand, some could say I'm believing in nothing. On the other, some would say I'm being an idiot for taking myself on the rollercoaster ride, worrying about things that shouldn't be a problem for my King at all.

And then I noticed the underlying negative tones.

This is, unfortunately, me. Good thing is that was the me back then. Bad thing is, it seems like I'm really going on a merry-go-round, stopping exactly where I started off.

And it's going to stop. No matter what.

Well, not the rollercoaster rides. That much is obvious, since I pretty much signed up for it the moment I came into this world. In fact, everyone's on it, though some may have horrifyingly jumped off halfway while others decided to empty their lunches into toilet bowls and pick the nice little carousels with horses instead, but there's no denying the fact that this one is the very first ride we get on.

Languidness has yet to disappear when I got out, unfortunately. Everything passed me in a blur, like I had been the one standing completely still while the world rushed past me. Numb of feeling, numb of need...All I could think about was finishing my darn class, handing in my darn assignment, getting to the darn consultation then getting back home. Getting into the usual routine of looking around and observing people and my surroundings never felt so...dull before.

Then, as my eyes fixed upon a girl who had difficulty deciding between catching up on much needed sleep and studying on the bus, it suddenly felt as though I had woken from a terrible nightmare devoid of everything save darkness.

It got me thinking: What was studying for? Was it to pass her exams or ace them? Is she studying because she loves it (Stupid question really, but you'll be surprised by some people)? Does she enjoy it? Does she abhor it? What was the purpose of studying on a moving vehicle if it's bad for her eyes and she feels more like falling asleep?

And what about me?

What am I going to school for? Why am I feeling so terribly numb whenever I head to campus? What am I studying for? What am I changing for?

What am I worried for? Why am I even worried in the first place?

What, or who, am I wanting to change for?

Concern for yourself is one thing. Doubt was the dangerous alternative. Doubt eats away at your confidence in yourself, confidence in the people who have blessed you. It destroys what you believe in.

Like my visions. and my dreams. Almost like the process of becoming myopic, they start to blur, sometimes fading almost completely when I think about them. Faces within get distorted and colors disappear, turning the whole thing into a silent film of abstract monstrosity.

That's when I realise that I need to pick myself up again. The enemies from yesterday are back, hammering at my gates, shouting insult and abuse, sometimes attempting to seduce me with the benefits of surrender. How easy it would be to just give in, open the gates and welcome them in! How easy it would be for me to lie down and allow the situation to take over completely!

But I realize that that was not patience. It was folly. It was stupidity, because there are things which can be done as fast as you want and things that need time to nurture.

Things like Change and Love respectively.

I've always wanted to change. Be a knowledgeable guy who helps out people with their work or understanding of society. Be the guy who, once looked like a total dork (probably still is, though less so), dish out USEFUL advice on self-grooming. Be the guy who does the menial work so that everyone else can be comfortable. Be the guy who drives you to places you need to go, or know where the best places for eatin are at. Be the guy who entertains without having to feel humiliated or having his image taken apart, piece by piece.

I could always start somewhere, but reading the Book and remembering it has made me realize something: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not self-serving. It does not envy, boast or is easily angered. It trusts, hopes and always, always perseveres.

Perhaps I've been really, really wrong. All I could think of was helping. All I could think of was the welfare of others, when I don't even know how they thought abour their own situation. Maybe they just needed some time alone with the King, or maybe Time itself was the best remedy for their hurts.

And in the heat of my emotions, in my folly, all I could think of was how I could help in the most tangible way possible. How I could pray for that person. How I should be doing everything I can to provide aid.

Stupid, stupid Exel.

I had forgotten the virtues of love and rushed into things, becoming overeager in the process. I had forgotten that I had promised to be patient to see my visions fulfilled.

Worse of all, I had forgotten that there were moments where I felt like that. "Leave me alone" I'd say, then huddle in a corner, cut off most contact from around me except for a select few that I felt could be trusted with what I was facing.

One day, I really want to be in that select few, or circle of friends that certain people can trust. Even though the road is long, the process tedious, I have to just keep hoping and believing. When I go off on my own tangent, I'll need to drag myself back on track again, regardless of what happens.

And if I can't find my way back, my King will. If I can't find break down the mighty walls around a person's heart, my King will.

I just know it.



"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

Lull of Languidity

When you know that you're having a sudden slump, that's what it is.

Suddenly you feel so disconnected from the world around you and you just want to lie down, rest and don't get up again for a long time. You just want to throw everything aside and take a long, long breather for the purpose of...nothing except to rest.

I feel like that sometimes, and this was one of those days.

Because of that, because of my lack of discipline, I nearly stumbled again and was quickly reminded that if I strayed off the path, certain things will come back to haunt me.

This is, unfortunately, not a game where I had to get away from the main objective for a while (because it's supposedly one-dimensional) to do side-quests. Kill some rats, take down a rogue magician, perform in the circus etc.

This is my life and only my King and I could decide the path - though ultimately the decisions were made by me and the King does all He can to guide me along.

Losing focus didn't just mean I wasn't able to concentrate on one thing; In fact, it meant that I wasn't able to concentrate on anything at all. Not even reading novels or watching anime. It took me almost the whole day to realise that I was simply wandering about in a languid daze.

I had many of these periods before, which ultimately degenerated into periods of depression and self-condemnation, causing me to shut down emotionally. The difference this time is that I already had a purpose to work for.

All it took was a light poke in the ribs from my King. "You've got something important to do, right?" He says, "What you're doing now...Is it worth it?"

Was it worth it to, for the moment, abandon His blessings for me just to indulge in some laziness or instantaneous fun? Despite being so very short-sighted, I snapped out of it quickly, though it took a mammoth effort.

At such times, I liken it to a battle. A clashing of swords between two powerful warriors, with either side determined to push the other back. A clashing of two powerful minds from two masters of the arcane arts, determined to pit their wills against one another to see who fell. Mind you, these are just duels, not a fight that would determine the fate of the entire world/universe/mankind/chocolate.

I'd like to think I've won, of course. Just barely. Being pushed back all the way and with a sudden surge of strength/will, the enemy gets blown away.

Not that I'm prepared to win the battle just to lose the war. Still, the fatigue I felt mentally was telling: my adversaries are able to replenish their strength quickly, but I'm already labouring, struggling even to return to base camp, fighting to keep my eyes awake, all the while wondering if it was worth it. If I had done my best. If I could have done much better.

Wondering if I could turn back the time and do it in such a way that pleases me and my King in the best possible way.

It's unreasonable, of course, but I believe people do think about being able to go back in time, wishing they could change some things. Wishing they could have entered earlier. Wishing they could have known certain people earlier. Wishing that they could have changed themselves earlier, so that they did not have an Everest to climb right now when it was but Bukit Timah Hill in front of them some years ago.

Wishing I knew how to talk with people in a proper manner, that instead of knocking on metal walls, I would be knocking on doors instead. Especially the one(s) with the flowery carvings.

Every now and then, instead of using my hands, which are sometimes bloodied and bruised, I'm so very tempted to employ a battering ram to knock those damn walls down, throw the rubble aside and walk in with an olive branch in my hands.

Sometimes it takes so long, so long that it is possible by the time I manage to find a small crack in the wall, someone else has already opened the door and I'm left looking like an idiot, wondering what all that effort was for, wondering if I could actually bypass those thick, irritating sheets of solid iron and waltz in with a little flourish and bow at the end just to impress.

I wish I could say this in plainer terms, but secrecy is a strict guard that hardly sleeps, especially when it has been sent to keep watch over my thoughts.

Every now and then, I would get into this Lull over not being able to do anything, over not being able to see even the slightest bit of the result I would want to see. To make matters worse, sometimes the silence from the King is so deafening I wonder whether the earplugs of imagination had somehow became even more potent than ever before.

But see, I need to believe. I have to, because if I stop, everything crumbles and I'll lose everything. I'd drop a huge chunk of my life currently, losing a sense of purpose almost completely that could potentially bring me back to where I was - a sniveling, pathetic little brat in a man's body, crouching by the dimly lit corner without a job, a wife or even a friend.

But sometimes it really does take two hands to clap, y'know?

And ultimately, I just wish that despite looking every part the aloof loner, resulting in people not wanting to talk to me, I could have tried to talk more. Despite all the wonderful changes in my life, my MSN's remained almost as silent as ever.

Problem is, when you are making the effort, when you are trying your best, the King knows. BUT WHO ELSE CARES ABOUT THAT?

I don't know. You can take it that I'm accusing others as much as I'm accusing myself. Bah. I don't really care what they think. What you, you and YOU (IF YOU ARE EVEN READING THIS BLOG) might think. At least I can say right now that you are WRONG. I am NOT aloof, I enjoy the company of others as much as normal people do.

There's just this unknown gap between me and normal people, and I'm still investigating that one.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I just need to cool my head or do a nightcap with my bed tonight. Talk to the King. Read some books. Slay some ogres in my dreams and snoggle to princess (a.k.a letting my imagination take over). Perhaps the earlier battle has knocked some brains out of me, though I still believe that in all that ranting, there's a huge element of truth in it.

Good bye.

ARRGGGHHHH

Pure Frustration.

Pure Confusion.

Pure Anguish.

I can't believe it was only a short while ago that I was telling a friend to keep believing in things that might seem so impossible now for him.

Now here I am, faced with something that probably has nothing to do with me personally and now it fels like I'm attempting to do quantum tunneling by knocking my head on the wall millions of times.

Frustrated, angry, confused, disappointed, anguished, desperation tearing at me. The only thing that kept me here was the fact that the King has made his promises to me and has stood by me. The only thing that has kept me sane, together with that throbbing pain my my legs and heart is the King, the armor He's bestowed upon me for protection and the sword He's given to me to sharpen and slay the Enemy.

I did no slaying tonight.

Remember those shows where the hero rushes in just in the nick of time to save the day? To tell the truth, it has always been a fanciful fantasy of mine to do that for someone. Be it a friend, a potential girlfriend or even my own family members, as long as I do that, it satisfies my urge to help people and leave an impression (subsequently boosting my deflated ego just a little bit).

I couldn't have wished for it more than ever before. So many things I wanted to do to help the people around me. So many times I wanted to contribute to help the people I care for, even the Hi-Bye friends I have in my life. So many, so many....

But every time it turns out the other way. Instead of being the St.George, I was the foot soldier responsible to poking the dragon to make sure it stayed dead after it had been brought down by the Knight in Shining Armor. Instead of being the male protagonist who goes around helping everyone in need with sarcastic - and funny - remarks quipped in between, I was given the role of the male antagonist who unintentionally caused all the trouble, either getting slain or become a convert towards the male protagonist.

I care. I really do, and I really want to help....But what use am I if all I can do is aim at the Enemy with an inaccurate sniper rifle left with a few bullets, when the best course of action was to grab the damsel in distress and take her to safety with guns ablazing? What use is there if I can only shout instructions on how to get across the ravine when the bridge isn't even there in the first place? What good is it if I pound on the door of the needy all day long, and they refuse to open it?

In fact, what good is it if all I'm doing is unintentionally hurting the other person and making the distance between her/him and I longer? What if she/he doesn't want my help and actually needs someone else more? If that someone else is someone close to me, what would I do then...?

What if I'm worry over nothing once again?

I'm seriously confused, but thank God that I'm able to maintain a broken and sincere heart before him. Thank God I'm able to focus on the people I've always wanted to help and pray for. Thank God that despite all these issues, His visions for me remain clear. Thank God that I did not give up trying to put markers for the people in their valley of dry bones. Thank God that despite being an ignorant, arrogant and foolish man,that every time I seek Him, I've found nothing but reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Somehow.

Once again, if all I can do is pray, I shall pray. If all I can do is hope for the people who need help, I shall keep hoping and keep hoping that my King will help them move out of the valley, even if the person/people don't know.

Of course, ultimately I would love to be the hero in the end, as I strengthen myself. As I ditch the dirty garments of mediocrity and don the armor of strength and truth.

In the end, though, it's up to my King.

And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know I shall be given the customary pat on the back from my King as He tells me I'm ready for the next vision.

And One day, hopefully not so far away, I know that I will stand in my visions and dreams, watching them unfold before me with my heart devoid of doubt, filled only with sudden realization and joy.

Keep on, keep on...Keep on keeping on.

Second Best, Dreams Alive

You know how we should always keep ourselves positive and maintain a wonderfully optimistic outlook at things even when we're knee deep in the troubles of life?

Well, that isn't always possible, even if we want that positive feeling to remain throughout our lives.

Frankly speaking, I doubt anyone would want to remain negative throughout their entire lives, but the world's just like that: Always putting you down, screwing around with your emotions and feelings, putting doubt into your hearts and kicking you while you're down. Hard. Sometimes you can't really put all the blame on the pessimists and people severely lacking in self-confidence for trying to see through their shoes or burn a hole in the group a la Superman Laser Eyes.

And that's just it. For me at least.

Keeping myself positive was a difficult task: Limping around with an injured elbow, knee and ankle ligament didn't exactly do wonders for my image. A shockingly disappointing test score for my Social Psychology of New Media module hammered my confidence a little bit more, and the knowledge that my last presentation and project of the semester wasn't exactly done added another nail in the coffin. I was still fine up to this point, of course.

Till the moment I looked at the games done by my other module...mates? Colleagues? Fellow-sufferers in arms? (I personally like the last one, actually.)

Which led me to tell my friend that "Game Design is not for someone to build their self-confidence." Especially not students like me with little expertise in game software, graphics design and creativity.

It was at this point that I doubted again. Will I always be second best? Is there something that I can actually be better at than most people? More than that, why am I always a step later than someone else, that the opportunity I want is lost seemingly forever, that the people I want to reach out to draw away from me and closer to others?

It very, very tempting to fall into depression again as the injury and pain worsened, though it was the pain to my heart that hurt me more. I could have easily said, "Alright, I'm screwed. Let's just give up, get away, toss my visions, dreams and desires away and live like one of those factory workers". I could have hung up my boots without even stepping onto the soccer field. But I didn't.

I couldn't. Too many things to hope for and to give up on. Too many things that I had been promised and yet to see fulfilled. There was NO WAY I'm giving up, even if my dreams seem like millions of light years worth of distance and effort away. It will be like having a passionate, hot-blood nerd wanting to join the badminton team then giving up immediately because he didn't "look cool enough" or "looked like an idiot when playing sports."

It takes effort, but I had to pull myself back to positive thinking and as the Book says, to "be still". Prayer was fulfilling after that and I learned some important things all over again.

1.) When you like something or love someone, it isn't about you all the time. It's about that person, about how he/she is happy. Caring for him/her because you want to be his/her significant other isn't wrong, but we shouldn't do it to boost our egos and feel as though we had done something to deserve such a relationship.

Sometimes we need to learn to stop saying "What about me...?" at certain points in our lives and be totally contrite in our desire to care for the people you love. Helping purely because you believe that it's good for them and that you truly care, not because you feel good about impressing her/him.

2.) Sacrifice is so important sometimes, but we always forget when we live in a 'me' world. It's always 'my' time, 'my' comfort, 'my' issues. Everyone is guilty of that (Unless you're the Son, of course), but that doesn't mean it's inherently wrong. The question we should ask is: How much are we talking about ourselves and throwing aside the things concerning others?

I'm no saint, but frankly speaking, it feels like I'm starting to get it when it comes to sacrifice. Even if it hurts due to doubt, even if it tears my heart apart. All I can do is obey the King when He tells me to sacrifice.

3.) Dreams aren't made in reality. That's why they are called dreams. You bring them to reality.

Sometimes circumstances play a huge part, but in the end it is we who make our own dreams come true. As much as the King has set our destinies aside for us, we decide whether our dreams live or die. No matter how tough, no matter how long the road is and no matter how many times we come out "second best" or even third best, the only thing that can aid us is the hope that someday we'll be able to attain that dream.

Feel like giving up? Of course, especially when the going gets tough. Everyone will feel like throwing in the towel at some point in time. Everyone. The difference is made when you make the decision to keep on keeping on (as one of my favorite people loves to say) despite the circumstances. Despite the objection and rejection Despite it being the most unpopular thing to do.

Even as adults or people who have taken more steps on the path of society, we should learn to keep dreaming and keep learning. I've about a dozen things I want to learn. Take up Korean and Japanese languages, learn to drive, learn to ride a bicycle, learn personal grooming, learn to be more loving, learn to cook...

So many things, so little time.

But I can't possibly give up everything, can I? It's my decision, and this is where I-or rather, we should start again as a hot-blooded, passionate fool who tosses a certain degree of dignity away just to try our best to attain our dreams.

This is where I try once again to be the little boy who dreamed of being a really good school team player for his badminton team. Hot-blooded, passionate, remembering my dreams and forgetting my limitations.

Well, most of them anyway.

And here's where I leave off with an interesting OP from the Japanese anime Eureka 7:

Lovely little song about lost memories and dreams and getting them back. Enjoy.

*Due to some silly technical difficulties, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0StCFKEChU

Lyrics below courtesy of Gendou.com:

Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light

I wrote "dreams for the future" in that space on the paper, how many years have passed since then?
The gap between reality and ideals shook, the flames of passion disappeared
Hold on! Ho...hold on!
It's a battle from now on, put it up! put it up!
When I give up, it's game over
Will you plow through the present state that's in your hand?

Do you remember? Once upon a time
You certainly gave all of your strength to faint hopes
You lived for tomorrow
Haven't you forgotten about those feelings somewhere?
There's no time period for the springtime of youth, I don't think the number of years have
anything to do with the spirit of inquiry
Isn't that right?
We wanna make the dream come true
In short...

Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom
Make it bloom, make it bloom, make it bloom...

Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light

"One day I definitely, definitely, definitely will too..."
When I immerse myself in those thoughts, it will definitely end
Pretending to squeeze out some innocent courage, awaken the passion of a child's mind
From when I was a boy, a young man, to the middle aged, I'm still now into something
Shining, yeah, that's what I do
Like challenger, yeah!!

Where does one go from a child to an adult?", I think about that
Which am I??
For how long have you decided to shut yourself up
In the shell of the public?
You ask yourself that in the mirror
"That's not how it is anymore"
Even if the shapes of my dreams change, they should still shine, forever

Look for them, look for them, look for them, look for the pieces of your dreams
Look for them, look for them, look for them

Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light

What should I do? What can I do like this?
I don't know what I want to do
I believe there's never too late
It's not too late, even though it's just the beginning
The possibilities are infinite
The power to change tomorrow depends upon you
So search for it, make it bloom, make the flower of passion bloom

Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light

Do you remember melody I used to hum
(Back in the days)
All of my memories are beginning to shine (so)
You gotta remember, even now the pieces of dreams are in your hand
Like back then (come on!)
A boy's heart that fires off light

Till Next Time. =)