One fine day, on the MRT, I heard a little voice calling out inside my mind.
It was all too familiar - My imagination was pleading with me to let it out, my mind was asking me to think about good times again before I slip into another monotonous routine of fiddling with my cell phone or pulling out a novel to read.
At first I resisted, knowing how it ended the last time. But after a while, I acquiesced to their requests.
The images pop up, the memories came up, and instantly I regretted being so compliant once again.
Yes, those were happy memories, happy thoughts. Things that were nice and warm and fuzzy. In fact, one of them was the very first thing that got me going and gave me plenty of hope.
However, all those were in the past. The very first vivid dream of bliss I ever had.....
.....Probably forever shattered unless He wants it otherwise.
The memories? I was happy, alright, but the nagging question was...Were the other persons in those moments happy as well? Was I simply being a fool by feeling great by myself?
And I regretted allowing my imagination to go loose again, even though not letting it free might be detrimental to my other endeavor. Sometimes one starts thinking what could have been if one did not make those stupid mistakes. If one actually had the brains and time to improve quickly enough. If one had not rushed things and been overly friendly...
This is when I realise that hurt and disappointment can run more deeper than we think.
-----------------
Sometimes we think ourselves to be fine, to be all right. We put on a cheery mask and smile and laugh and joke with others while hiding the hurt from them all.
Nothing wrong with hiding. After all, every single person has things you don't want to say to certain people because of various reasons.
But when you hide it for a long, long time, the adverse effects will overflow into other areas of one's life. Your friendships start to get affected. Your behavior doesn't match in one social context to another. You start to get particularly sensitive about your own boundaries and find it extremely difficult to trust others, choosing instead to believe in the misunderstandings that arise, always choosing to rely on yourself mainly.
Speaking from experience, that I am. Not just from my own, but from other friends I've seen. More than once, I've seen dreams shattered because of people being too guarded. Friendships nearly severed, then repaired but with a seemingly permanent wall between them.
Nothing wrong with protecting ourselves and having a certain boundary, but putting on armor and covering yourself with spikes and weapons are two very, very different things.
----------------
I hate misunderstandings.
And in the same sense, I hate not knowing what the hell is going on when a friend suddenly refuses to talk, reply or has a sudden cold attitude towards you.
A few people close to me often say, "It's like that one. Nothing much you can do about it but just hope for the best." or "Let God resolve it."
They are right, of course, but it is still so very irksome when you don't know WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG and absolutely no one else can tell you what it is clearly except the person, or people who have a 180-degree change of attitude towards you.
The catch is, there's absolutely no way they will tell you.
Screw "Hope for the best." Screw "Try to find out one way or another." Screw "Be a little more confrontational."
I think I'll let God tell me what went wrong in due time while I try to change the bad stuff about myself.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 104: Defiant
I like being defiant.
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
No, not being completely and totally defiant of my beliefs and values, mind you, but being defiant of expectations from others and yourself. Being defiant about the circumstances. Being defiant about things that aren't going your way.
Perhaps that was why it was so difficult for me to give "It" up. I didn't like losing out to circumstances in that case. I didn't like the fact that every single sign seems to point to me losing out and having no chance at all.
The other day, after a soccer outing, a friend told me that he was surprised at how I played. I asked him why, and he never thought a 'quiet, quiet guy like me can play like that'.
And I liked that too.
And that is why I liked stories of how people with little ability, little talent who rise up and take their place.
People with little friends and are often forgotten most of the time. People who make many mistakes (major ones too), get misunderstood easily and hardly ever get recognized save for those with a truly edifying nature. People who are 'strange', having less social approval than most, people who can't be easily accepted, and look average.
So when the Christmas drama played and the lead, a character with such traits, broke down after being misunderstood, tears came to my eyes almost automatically. Twice I watched, and twice I cried (though I was able to control it better second time round).
It hit close to home too, I suppose. Dangerously close.
-----------
Maybe giving up wasn't so bad.
After all, this could be something that can fill the void left in my heart when the dream...seemingly dissipated like smoke.
You know, maybe not expecting anything much might be a good thing. After all, if one expects much, and too much, one tends to get disappointed quickly and easily.
But if I keep on doing what I need to and should, the things will fall in place. Maybe even what was once lost will be found again.
Abide in His word, and His word abide in me.
Simple to say, but difficult to act upon.
--------------------
How did the leaders do it?
I need to know more...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 103: Traveled
Ever looked out of the back window of a car, or a vehicle?
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
I do that plenty of times as a kid and thought it was kinda cool to see the road seemingly unraveling before my eyes, then get carsick and occasionally feel dizzy, then stop.
And today, as I was taking the LRT back home, I looked back at the parts of the track that had been gone over, then realised that it seemed...interesting, even nice. After all, it's a road you've traveled on before. When you look back, there were memories to be had, especially the good ones. You know what happened, where the road bends, how it twists and turns, and what transpired.
But I realised that doing so wasn't exactly the best thing to do.
Looking forward was the only thing we should do, though ultimately many of us are still stuck to the past.
Times change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes. After all, the only thing that is constant in this world, this society, is CHANGE.
Yes, those memories were wonderful. The times we had, the fun things we did, the happiness we felt and the friends that were around to make us feel comfortable and cosy and as though everything in the world was just about right.
But nothing will happen if we just think about it and wish we hadn't.
That, is an obvious sign of regret, subconscious or not.
------------------
And perhaps, just like a few close friends said, it is time for me to move on.
Some of those memories were great. Some were painful, and there are still times I wished that I could go back to those moments again to experience the joy, the warmth, the sweetness of the situation or instance. Or even go back to do something so that mistakes could be rectified.
But no matter what....A mistake in the past IS still a mistake.
Just as memories will always remain as part of our past.
Be they GOOD or BAD.
Move on.
It takes time, but perhaps it truly is time....
....To move on.
---------------------
Post was inspired, of course, by the number of friends posting/writing about their memories and past experiences and how it was all better in the past, yet knowing they can never go back to that time.
Like in the army, things were so much simpler.
Like in an old clique, friendship was so much less complicated.
Like in a previous organisation, it was so much more fun, so much more stable because you knew everyone.
But like those who posted or wrote about such things, perhaps its time to turn away from the back window, straighten up with a smile and look to the front, and say:
"It's Time to Move On."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 102: Little Things
A rather enlightening and humbling conversation with a few of my peers (some of them younger, but probably wiser than me and some others I know) gave me a fresh opportunity to explore the concept of 'impacting others through doing small things'.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
In the context of relationships and friendships, the female side advised me that girls appreciate the small things or gestures - The gentlemanly gesture of opening the door for them, pulling out the chair for them to be seated first, getting them small little gifts or stuff....Those sorts of things.
Often tested and found true, I suppose, or else they would never have said something like that. Besides, it IS from their point of view. Can't go wrong with that, can it?
Apparently, The dastardly thing that starts with 'R' proves it wrong.
Reality isn't so kind, apparently, because humans are complex creatures, let alone women. Apparently times do change, and small no longer cuts it, I think.
But I still do it anyway. After all, its not like doing small little things from your sincerity is ineffective in building up relationships.
Perhaps, I daresay, even in repairing relationships.
You can't jump in straight anyway, and it was a mistake I made too often and realised too late.
I'll keep doing it, even if nothing happens. Frankly speaking, the idea that small things are done too often and cause the other party to no longer appreciate it is a concern. After all, you're not the only one doing those things, and your 'small' compared to the 'small' of others can be much more inferior in size and perceived sincerity. Other factors come in too, like time spent, impressions left, abilities, talents, emotional quotient etc.
But that shouldn't stop you.
That shouldn't stop me.
Especially not when I'm very sincere about it.
...............
............
.........
......
Oh, the response from the guys' side?
We just went "Good, good good!!"
.....Talk about being conversational.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 101: White Christmas
I'm still dreaming of it.
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Still hoping for it.
It is certainly a very small dream, to say the least, compared to the 'bigger picture' dreams like seeing friends and relatives saved, being able to settle down with the woman of your dreams and have a good family, or even being able to write a epic series of novels.
But it is a dream, nonetheless.
And in it, there's always a layer of white. There's always snow, yet the feeling I get is comfort, warmth, happiness, bliss.
Each time the dream changes slightly, with my position or situation being the thing that changed. First it was waiting for a date. Then it was simply looking up at the sky, then it was watching the snow and touching it with a loved one. What's next?
And what do they mean? Are they a portion of my desires 'materialised' in my dreams, or are they signs?
The latter is highly unlikely as it doesn't tie in with what I've experienced before, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.
Funny how the longest, coldest and sometimes darkest season of the year can bring about such wonderful dreams. Just think about the quirky irony. Christmas, the season of love, the day of Christ's birth, with terms like 'White Christmas' having such romantic connotations are all derived from this seemingly dreary season.
True that concepts like having a White Christmas can be part of our fantasies and not entirely the complete idea of reality, but again, it certainly doesn't hurt to dream and think about it.
After all, what is reality, what is life if we do not have dreams to accompany our actions?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 100: Challenge
100th chapter. To think I was saving it up for a Christmas post.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Such a nice number too...What a waste.
Anyway, As it insinuates....Challenge.
Took one up about a week ago. A big one.
Guess what? I failed spectacularly after barely a quarter into the duration of the challenge.
By right I should be feeling miserable. After all, a MAN, by "all" definitions, is supposed to be able to take up challenges and be manly and...Well, do whatever a man is supposed to do. Failure IS still an option, albeit one of the most unattractive ones, especially to ourselves and to the people around us
(NOTE: I refuse to say the 'W' word in place of 'people'. Who knows how sensitive it can be and how much fury I might incite...).
But ultimately, I'm actually glad that I took up that difficult challenge. Rather than chicken out or think 'rationally' about the possibilities of completing the challenge, sometimes it can be better if you just stop thinking and dive right into it WITH a plan.
True, I failed. But thank God that I learned more about myself and about just how truly difficult it is to live just a short, sustained period of time fully, completely, 100% for Christ.
-----------------------------------
It makes me even more impressed by the people doing great things for the church. The leadership, the pastoral ministry, those who move mightily in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
It also got me thinking about one very simple concept.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
Let me reiterate.
We don't really know how difficult or even easy something can be unless we try it.
That comes down to my favorite pet peeve - Being judgmental.
Oh, before you toss me the comments about me being overly critical of others, let me say that this applies to me too. It applies to everyone, since literally every single person (at least those that I know) have a certain level of tendency to judge people.
Citing a few examples (Once again, for sensitivities' sake, I decided to go with 'We' instead of 'You'):
-We don't know how difficult doing an offering message can be until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult thinking of a suitable praise and worship song and preparing for it is until we do it.
-We don't know how difficult leading a cellgroup is until we try to do it.
-We don't know how difficult planning an event for people of varying interests is until we get down to it.
-We don't know how stressful and taxing it is to watch over a zone of people is until we experience the difficulties.
-We don't know how seemingly impossible it is to watch over a church of over 30k people is until you experience the sleepless nights, the derisive public and press and the criticisms and abandonment of people whom you thought were friends.
We don't know how it is until we have done it, or experienced it.
so until then, any judgement, verbal or otherwise is not justified.
Yes, mistakes are made. Some of them are horrendous, even. But what does our criticism do? Is it constructive, or are we just trying to put them down in our own minds or make them seem smaller in the eyes of others?
Doesn't mean you have to shackle it completely, though, since it is natural for imperfect creatures like us to dwell on the negative side of things.
Still, it would do you and I a whole world of good if we just keep trying to keep our judgment in check, or at the very least repent from it .
Keeping a judgment or opinion about a certain person after he or she misunderstood you doesn't show repentance, by the way.
No worries...We are all guilty of it at one point. Reassess, reflect, and change.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 99: Mirror
Do you like to look in the mirror?
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
Personally, I don't. Not all average-looking people do. Then again, not many beautiful people do too, though that's another story.
We mostly like looking in the mirror when we look good. Feel good about ourselves, and stoke our ego a little (or A LOT, depending on how narcissistic a person can be). Just think about it - How many times have you, whether you are a male or female, heard of the worries that are so "terrifying enough to give one many sleepless nights" about the most fearsome thing to ever happen to them.
A new pimple on the face.
Depending on the reaction of those people and the measures they take (sudden dieting just to remove that one pimple, since every darn delicacy uses oil), it reveals a certain truth about them and about people in general.
We HATE to see our flaws.
---------------------
I've thought about it, and realised that it is a possible reason why some people just hate certain people without being truly about to justify why. Or even if they did so, they don't realise the criticisms of those flaws are basically a mirror-image of their own.
Earlier I posted something on how one behaves or reacts when faced with the negative part of self, and this is one such reaction.
If you wonder why others possibly do not want to talk about your flaws to you, think about how you would react and perhaps you would understand why.
If you wonder why you weren't given more to do despite your talents, your abilities and possibly maturity and seniority, reflect on how you think of others all the time.
If you wonder why God doesn't come true for you and then sulk and whine (even if it is done mentally, it is STILL whining) and stop giving him and his anointed people the due respect, first ask yourself why.
That is, if you STILL have any humility left in you.
I've experienced all that, I think, and am not so keen to repeat that experience again.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 98: Decisions
It's that time of the year again.
Yeah, some of it IS about Christmas and Santa Claus and Rudolph and presents and whatnot, but on the other hand, what would be the most defining decisions for this year and possibly the next are about to come.
To stay, or to go over?
To trust in God and give up, or to keep hanging on?
The second question seems rhetorical. Most people would say "Of course trust in God lah!"
They are right, of course, and no offense. I believe everyone who says that meant well and have no ill intentions. But when that person is you in that situation, would you perhaps say it so confidently?
Honestly speaking, I can't...But thank God that He is currently showing me the way. Thank God that there are good friends who I can truly share with, without them feeling I am a bother or I am needy, even desperate. Thank God for the revelations and reflections I have been doing for this week. Thank God for the leaders who have impacted me so.
Yet I know that I need to be more humble, more contrite. Not always thinking that my way is the first thing. Or running away from problems every time something makes me feel out of my comfort zone.
Does that sound familiar or does it prick you somewhere? It's best if it doesn't, of course....But if it does, then I hope that everyone reflects on themselves rather than think who and who is at fault, and always have the first thought as why God isn't coming true for them.
Then again, nothing endures, except for Him and his Word.
Not even the giving up of certain things.
So maybe I'll be able to surrender it to God soon enough.
Hope to share that as good news!
Yeah, some of it IS about Christmas and Santa Claus and Rudolph and presents and whatnot, but on the other hand, what would be the most defining decisions for this year and possibly the next are about to come.
To stay, or to go over?
To trust in God and give up, or to keep hanging on?
The second question seems rhetorical. Most people would say "Of course trust in God lah!"
They are right, of course, and no offense. I believe everyone who says that meant well and have no ill intentions. But when that person is you in that situation, would you perhaps say it so confidently?
Honestly speaking, I can't...But thank God that He is currently showing me the way. Thank God that there are good friends who I can truly share with, without them feeling I am a bother or I am needy, even desperate. Thank God for the revelations and reflections I have been doing for this week. Thank God for the leaders who have impacted me so.
Yet I know that I need to be more humble, more contrite. Not always thinking that my way is the first thing. Or running away from problems every time something makes me feel out of my comfort zone.
Does that sound familiar or does it prick you somewhere? It's best if it doesn't, of course....But if it does, then I hope that everyone reflects on themselves rather than think who and who is at fault, and always have the first thought as why God isn't coming true for them.
Then again, nothing endures, except for Him and his Word.
Not even the giving up of certain things.
So maybe I'll be able to surrender it to God soon enough.
Hope to share that as good news!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 97: Bitter Medicine...
It's really hard to swallow.
But when you realise that simply just resting and eating supplements aren't good enough, yet you don't want to take the step to take medicine, someone else has to do it, sometimes forcefully.
I'm not sure if this medicine might be a little too hard to swallow, though...An almost direct piece of advice telling me to give up on something that I've been praying for.
Perhaps it's not the season yet?
Perhaps I need to do more?
Perhaps there are things that I need to rip out and get rid of in my life?
Perhaps there are other ways in glorifying Him while having a sense of satisfaction and feeling of bliss?
I seriously don't know, though I can say this medicine is extremely difficult to swallow.
Yes, I nodded my head, but the moisture around my eyes should tell you the real story.
I can't accept it. Fully. Yet.
But when I made the decision to open my mouth and gulp down the distasteful concoction, maybe one day the totally impossible can really become possible.
For He works in mysterious ways, and He hasn't brought me this far to destroy me, but to give me a hope and a future.
But when you realise that simply just resting and eating supplements aren't good enough, yet you don't want to take the step to take medicine, someone else has to do it, sometimes forcefully.
I'm not sure if this medicine might be a little too hard to swallow, though...An almost direct piece of advice telling me to give up on something that I've been praying for.
Perhaps it's not the season yet?
Perhaps I need to do more?
Perhaps there are things that I need to rip out and get rid of in my life?
Perhaps there are other ways in glorifying Him while having a sense of satisfaction and feeling of bliss?
I seriously don't know, though I can say this medicine is extremely difficult to swallow.
Yes, I nodded my head, but the moisture around my eyes should tell you the real story.
I can't accept it. Fully. Yet.
But when I made the decision to open my mouth and gulp down the distasteful concoction, maybe one day the totally impossible can really become possible.
For He works in mysterious ways, and He hasn't brought me this far to destroy me, but to give me a hope and a future.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 96: Dealing with Oneself, Eating your own Meds
"You know, this person is just so difficult?"
"How so?"
"He/She doesn't reply when I call or message him/her! Doesn't that just irritate you?"
....Aren't you doing the same thing to others who try to contact you?
-----------------------
Had this type of conversation not just once, twice or even thrice. (Note: The content isn't exactly word for word, but the meaning is the same).
It has been repeated countless times, with one of the more impressionable ones just a few months ago.
In all honesty, it's not just talking with others that I see this, but also in a inner dialogue, something which I've neglected of late. Ultimately, the question that came to my mind was this after a period of random musings today:
How do we react when we're dealing with the negative part of ourselves?
Very often, it may well seem that we can be as blind as a bat ourselves, despite all the eye surgery or spectacles or whatnot that we deign to go through or apply. Blind not to the sight of beautiful things, but very blind to our own faults.
If it's shown in others, it's so easy to spot.
But if we ourselves practise them, they suddenly become invisible.
As the Son has implied in the Word, we should be taking the plank out of our own eyes before telling others that they have a speck in theirs.
Or at the very least, be aware of it and find ways to deal with it.
To be a little more blunt, let's put it this way.
Not happy that people aren't replying? Well, are there instances where you don't reply or answer other people as well? What are the reasons? Could those reasons perhaps be similar for the people who did not give you an answer?
--------------------
Another catalyst that caused me to remember this was - surprise, surprise - an anime I watched about a little sister having to deal with a character with traits strikingly similar to hers. The way she talks, acts, behaves towards her elder brother, that is.
It was hilarious to watch because of her personality and knowing that she is getting a taste of her own medicine, but perhaps in our context we might not find it so funny.
We make jokes about others sometimes without knowing how sensitive it might be and sometimes apologize halfheartedly because it 'seems like the right thing to do'.
We hit others according to our gauge of 'a little strength'. Criticise others for being insensitive, for misunderstand us. For mouthing off things impulsively in the heat of anger. Sometimes things they don't really mean what they say.
"The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed."
Perhaps things aren't as serious in our present context, but....
Are you prepared to have people joking about things that are sensitive to you?
Are you prepared to be hit by what others consider to be using 'just' a little strength?
Are you prepared to be criticised for being insensitive towards others?
Are you prepared to be criticised for misunderstanding other people?
Are you prepared to be chastised for speaking on an impulse?
Sometimes, we can't see beyond our own faults. Especially for adults.
Especially for people like me.
----------------------
How do we deal with it?
Change, of course. First with awareness of our own faults and our own actions, then taking steps to change and move in the direction we want to.
The notion itself may be idealistic, considering how people are a fallen lot, but wouldn't it be better if we are constantly reflecting upon our actions, just as we constantly ask God for forgiveness for the wrong things we do?
Besides, change doesn't happen immediately. It takes time.
It will do a world of good to ourselves AND to others if everyone knows about that and understands.
So...I'm going to get a soul mirror sometimes soon.
Will you be getting one too?
"How so?"
"He/She doesn't reply when I call or message him/her! Doesn't that just irritate you?"
....Aren't you doing the same thing to others who try to contact you?
-----------------------
Had this type of conversation not just once, twice or even thrice. (Note: The content isn't exactly word for word, but the meaning is the same).
It has been repeated countless times, with one of the more impressionable ones just a few months ago.
In all honesty, it's not just talking with others that I see this, but also in a inner dialogue, something which I've neglected of late. Ultimately, the question that came to my mind was this after a period of random musings today:
How do we react when we're dealing with the negative part of ourselves?
Very often, it may well seem that we can be as blind as a bat ourselves, despite all the eye surgery or spectacles or whatnot that we deign to go through or apply. Blind not to the sight of beautiful things, but very blind to our own faults.
If it's shown in others, it's so easy to spot.
But if we ourselves practise them, they suddenly become invisible.
As the Son has implied in the Word, we should be taking the plank out of our own eyes before telling others that they have a speck in theirs.
Or at the very least, be aware of it and find ways to deal with it.
To be a little more blunt, let's put it this way.
Not happy that people aren't replying? Well, are there instances where you don't reply or answer other people as well? What are the reasons? Could those reasons perhaps be similar for the people who did not give you an answer?
--------------------
Another catalyst that caused me to remember this was - surprise, surprise - an anime I watched about a little sister having to deal with a character with traits strikingly similar to hers. The way she talks, acts, behaves towards her elder brother, that is.
It was hilarious to watch because of her personality and knowing that she is getting a taste of her own medicine, but perhaps in our context we might not find it so funny.
We make jokes about others sometimes without knowing how sensitive it might be and sometimes apologize halfheartedly because it 'seems like the right thing to do'.
We hit others according to our gauge of 'a little strength'. Criticise others for being insensitive, for misunderstand us. For mouthing off things impulsively in the heat of anger. Sometimes things they don't really mean what they say.
"The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed."
Perhaps things aren't as serious in our present context, but....
Are you prepared to have people joking about things that are sensitive to you?
Are you prepared to be hit by what others consider to be using 'just' a little strength?
Are you prepared to be criticised for being insensitive towards others?
Are you prepared to be criticised for misunderstanding other people?
Are you prepared to be chastised for speaking on an impulse?
Sometimes, we can't see beyond our own faults. Especially for adults.
Especially for people like me.
----------------------
How do we deal with it?
Change, of course. First with awareness of our own faults and our own actions, then taking steps to change and move in the direction we want to.
The notion itself may be idealistic, considering how people are a fallen lot, but wouldn't it be better if we are constantly reflecting upon our actions, just as we constantly ask God for forgiveness for the wrong things we do?
Besides, change doesn't happen immediately. It takes time.
It will do a world of good to ourselves AND to others if everyone knows about that and understands.
So...I'm going to get a soul mirror sometimes soon.
Will you be getting one too?
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 95: Beyond Me
If it so happens my presence causes discomfort, all I can do is this.
"I'm sorry."
Other than that, there's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else anyone can really do, for that matter.
I've been in a situation like this where the place I go to has someone that makes me feel uncomfortable, yet it is an important place. For example, school. Classrooms. Training hall.
But what can he/she do? Leave the place just to please you?
It doesn't work that way, especially if he/she has a greater purpose in mind. He/she is there to study, to get a good education. To make friends and have fun for him/herself. To become a better athlete.
And I go to where I go because of a greater purpose. If someone finds my presence a nuisance...Frankly speaking, that's too bad, because they could be missing out on their greater purpose.
It's a musing that has nested for quite a while, and I thought it would be nice to at least reveal the possible closure I have on such an issue.
I've gone the Doubting Thomas route before.
And I most certainly hope no one else walks that as well, just because of one or two people.
-------------------
Hospitality.
If some don't show it to you, doesn't mean you shouldn't show it to them.
I think that's rather important, especially when there are people you want to talk to, but find it extremely difficult to communicate with - Always making sure your focus is there on what is 'true' of you.
"I'm sorry."
Other than that, there's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else anyone can really do, for that matter.
I've been in a situation like this where the place I go to has someone that makes me feel uncomfortable, yet it is an important place. For example, school. Classrooms. Training hall.
But what can he/she do? Leave the place just to please you?
It doesn't work that way, especially if he/she has a greater purpose in mind. He/she is there to study, to get a good education. To make friends and have fun for him/herself. To become a better athlete.
And I go to where I go because of a greater purpose. If someone finds my presence a nuisance...Frankly speaking, that's too bad, because they could be missing out on their greater purpose.
It's a musing that has nested for quite a while, and I thought it would be nice to at least reveal the possible closure I have on such an issue.
I've gone the Doubting Thomas route before.
And I most certainly hope no one else walks that as well, just because of one or two people.
-------------------
Hospitality.
If some don't show it to you, doesn't mean you shouldn't show it to them.
I think that's rather important, especially when there are people you want to talk to, but find it extremely difficult to communicate with - Always making sure your focus is there on what is 'true' of you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 94: Burdened
This isn't the life I envisioned.
Nor is this what I thought should be happening.
But things don't always go how you want them to.
A light example: I always imagined myself to be talking freely to others, socialising, joking, making friends, having a good relationship and communicating well with a significant other ('a', simply because it hasn't happened yet), being very forthright in displaying affection for others, remembering things that area important to others.
But sometimes your abilities don't match your dreams. Things don't happen the way you want them to, and obstacles crop up suddenly. The hearts of people are beyond what you ever expect them to be, and you have to learn to reassess everything again.
--------------------
I don't really know what brought this on. Perhaps after returning to the Lord once more could be the main reason, together with the fact that my confidence is still on an average level for an average person.
The renewed sense of urgency for people, for myself, for my dreams that is mixed with the old, expiring ingredients of negative comparisons and emotions as well as troubling issues could be the more detailed reason.
--------------------
I said I wanted to be a leader.
But with the way I am, it's impossible.
To be honest, there are a tonne of people out there who are more qualified, more empowered, more sociable, more loving, more handsome, more influential, much, much more confident than I am.
BUT I do know I have two things with me - Willingness, and the trust of a great God who will lead me to a greater future.
I wonder if that's how Moses felt when he kept protesting, and eventually God still used him anyway (after rebuking him a few times, of course). The notion that God actually rebuked him and STILL uses him despite his iniquities (Aaron is apparently much, much more capable than he is) and his unbelief (Constant protests after speaking to the burning bush) means one thing.
God trusts him.
So perhaps God trusts me too, and maybe that's why, as I sat in front of the computer for a prolonged period of two hours, I began to feel restless for the first time in a long while.
This isn't what I want to do, Facebooking or tweeting or merely following other people's activities, or playing games.
This is meaningless.
I'm burdened with this, and wonder if there can ever be a powerful change in my life that will see me transformed, that everything I've experienced will bear much fruit, so much that even the impossible dreams or hopes I have come to pass.
But if God did it to Pastor, to so many religious leaders around the world...
....Why not me?
Keep on keeping on.
Nor is this what I thought should be happening.
But things don't always go how you want them to.
A light example: I always imagined myself to be talking freely to others, socialising, joking, making friends, having a good relationship and communicating well with a significant other ('a', simply because it hasn't happened yet), being very forthright in displaying affection for others, remembering things that area important to others.
But sometimes your abilities don't match your dreams. Things don't happen the way you want them to, and obstacles crop up suddenly. The hearts of people are beyond what you ever expect them to be, and you have to learn to reassess everything again.
--------------------
I don't really know what brought this on. Perhaps after returning to the Lord once more could be the main reason, together with the fact that my confidence is still on an average level for an average person.
The renewed sense of urgency for people, for myself, for my dreams that is mixed with the old, expiring ingredients of negative comparisons and emotions as well as troubling issues could be the more detailed reason.
--------------------
I said I wanted to be a leader.
But with the way I am, it's impossible.
To be honest, there are a tonne of people out there who are more qualified, more empowered, more sociable, more loving, more handsome, more influential, much, much more confident than I am.
BUT I do know I have two things with me - Willingness, and the trust of a great God who will lead me to a greater future.
I wonder if that's how Moses felt when he kept protesting, and eventually God still used him anyway (after rebuking him a few times, of course). The notion that God actually rebuked him and STILL uses him despite his iniquities (Aaron is apparently much, much more capable than he is) and his unbelief (Constant protests after speaking to the burning bush) means one thing.
God trusts him.
So perhaps God trusts me too, and maybe that's why, as I sat in front of the computer for a prolonged period of two hours, I began to feel restless for the first time in a long while.
This isn't what I want to do, Facebooking or tweeting or merely following other people's activities, or playing games.
This is meaningless.
I'm burdened with this, and wonder if there can ever be a powerful change in my life that will see me transformed, that everything I've experienced will bear much fruit, so much that even the impossible dreams or hopes I have come to pass.
But if God did it to Pastor, to so many religious leaders around the world...
....Why not me?
Keep on keeping on.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 93: Wheel
As one would know, a wheel is often considered as being one of the most important inventions Man has ever made.
Without it, we wouldn't have cars, trains, wheelchairs, bicycles...Even passenger jets.
Without it, we wouldn't have the classical TV game show, 'The Wheel of Fortune', nor Robert Jordan's famous novel series 'The Wheel of Time'.
But more than that, the wheel also becomes an important metaphor.
In this case, perhaps one would call it the wheel of Fate?
Simply put, people can sometimes go a full circle, a complete revolution (as in the wheel spinning one time completely) and feel that they are back at the same point, but actually they aren't.
The concept is rather hard to grasp, of course, because when one says someone has gone 'one whole round', it usually means he/she has returned to the starting point.
The other idea about this is better, of course. 'Full circle' has the meaning that someone has gone through a whole process of incidents/occurrences and has arrived at some point of completion.
-------------------
I feel that 'Full circle' more or less describes what I'm feeling now.
Had a great meeting and wonderful times of fellowship as well as some really meaningful self-reflection and insight on certain things. It made me realise certain things about myself.
1) I'm probably one of the most imperfect people around...but then again, there are probably many others who think that way too.
2) I love people. I love company, and that is perhaps why I hesitate on making a decision as to whether I should stay or go, especially when the places we meet at is so far away from where I stayed.
3) After all the things that have happened, it feels like I'm back where I started....But perhaps not.
(3) Happens to be the most important thing at the moment, because it really feels like there's been a change. To put it bluntly, it feels like I won't be so affected by certain things so much already. Things that I dream of or treasure.
And I believe that despite my iniquities and the probable fact that every single friend or family member I have is at least ten times better/more qualified than I am, I can still go for them.
The notion of success has never crossed my mind as much as traffic lights have never crossed the road before, I think, and this is perhaps the first time I really, really, really felt that in my heart, things could change.
I don't see them now, of course, especially if those are long-term dreams or hopes. But rather than harp on wanting it NOW, I rather think about taking those small, steady steps towards the goal, all the while making myself gain qualities that I would like to see in some of the things I think of.
Difficult? No one said it was easy, so yeah. Not especially when the facts remain that I have a lot to learn despite my age, my looks are far from desirable, my spiritual life isn't exactly the best example and I'm not exactly the most exciting, jovial, likable person around.
YET I think God can bring me there, and everything I have been facing is preparing me for those things.
How will it turn out? I don't know. Will there be disappointment? Probably. Will there be pain? Surely, for someone like me.
BUT I'm comforted in being reminded time and time again that God is always there, just as He was with Joshua when he embarked on the campaign to take the Promised Land.
And considering the fact that the prompting, the visions, the dreams, the answers, the presence had the same comforting, awe-inspiring, reassuring feel and surety, how can it be wrong?
And so the spiritual and physical healing continues.
May it all bring glory to Him forever and ever.
Without it, we wouldn't have cars, trains, wheelchairs, bicycles...Even passenger jets.
Without it, we wouldn't have the classical TV game show, 'The Wheel of Fortune', nor Robert Jordan's famous novel series 'The Wheel of Time'.
But more than that, the wheel also becomes an important metaphor.
In this case, perhaps one would call it the wheel of Fate?
Simply put, people can sometimes go a full circle, a complete revolution (as in the wheel spinning one time completely) and feel that they are back at the same point, but actually they aren't.
The concept is rather hard to grasp, of course, because when one says someone has gone 'one whole round', it usually means he/she has returned to the starting point.
The other idea about this is better, of course. 'Full circle' has the meaning that someone has gone through a whole process of incidents/occurrences and has arrived at some point of completion.
-------------------
I feel that 'Full circle' more or less describes what I'm feeling now.
Had a great meeting and wonderful times of fellowship as well as some really meaningful self-reflection and insight on certain things. It made me realise certain things about myself.
1) I'm probably one of the most imperfect people around...but then again, there are probably many others who think that way too.
2) I love people. I love company, and that is perhaps why I hesitate on making a decision as to whether I should stay or go, especially when the places we meet at is so far away from where I stayed.
3) After all the things that have happened, it feels like I'm back where I started....But perhaps not.
(3) Happens to be the most important thing at the moment, because it really feels like there's been a change. To put it bluntly, it feels like I won't be so affected by certain things so much already. Things that I dream of or treasure.
And I believe that despite my iniquities and the probable fact that every single friend or family member I have is at least ten times better/more qualified than I am, I can still go for them.
The notion of success has never crossed my mind as much as traffic lights have never crossed the road before, I think, and this is perhaps the first time I really, really, really felt that in my heart, things could change.
I don't see them now, of course, especially if those are long-term dreams or hopes. But rather than harp on wanting it NOW, I rather think about taking those small, steady steps towards the goal, all the while making myself gain qualities that I would like to see in some of the things I think of.
Difficult? No one said it was easy, so yeah. Not especially when the facts remain that I have a lot to learn despite my age, my looks are far from desirable, my spiritual life isn't exactly the best example and I'm not exactly the most exciting, jovial, likable person around.
YET I think God can bring me there, and everything I have been facing is preparing me for those things.
How will it turn out? I don't know. Will there be disappointment? Probably. Will there be pain? Surely, for someone like me.
BUT I'm comforted in being reminded time and time again that God is always there, just as He was with Joshua when he embarked on the campaign to take the Promised Land.
And considering the fact that the prompting, the visions, the dreams, the answers, the presence had the same comforting, awe-inspiring, reassuring feel and surety, how can it be wrong?
And so the spiritual and physical healing continues.
May it all bring glory to Him forever and ever.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 92: Moving on and not Moving on
At some point in life, anyone will come to a crossroad of decisions. Four ways are available to you, literally speaking, with the last one considered as retracing your steps and backing down.
But I have never considered the possibility that sometimes you can face multiple crossroads at one time. Not possible in a literal sense, of course, but not every part of life is always literal.
I never had the illusion, of course, that life will be easy. Not even when it seems I've half-weathered, half-blindly groped through the torrential rains of a few storms. Sometimes the wind doesn't blow at that opportune time, and you don't get to see the rainbow or the sun immediately.
BUT the hope is there, and I would be lying if I said my dreams were dead. I'd also be lying if I said I did not have a compass or two to guide me through, and for that I'm extremely thankful.
-----------------
I remembered and read once more about God and the people of Israel, and pondered about the meaning of what Pastor mentioned as a casual, but encouraging remark.
"God brought us out to bring us in."
Such a cryptic phrase, but when you get to know the context (Brought them out of Egypt and slavery to bring them into the Promised Land), it becomes clear.
Sometimes, when one goes for what he/she wants, he/she has to leave the comfort zone behind. It no longer becomes a place where he/she will keep hearing encouragement, and perhaps he/she will become even more vulnerable to external influences and things or people that try to put them down.
The Egypt of our lives are set. It is something we know.
What about the Promised Land? The land overflowing with milk and honey?
It is something that cannot be seen, something that cannot be felt. Even Moses, the deliverer of his people, didn't get to see it until he was about to go home to the Lord and his ancestors.
He didn't see the struggles. The wars. The conflicts. And though he knew it, he didn't see how far Israel would deviate from their God.
Perhaps that's the true for our Promised Land. Our dreams. Things that cannot be seen, but with only one promise from God. One vision. One dream. One sentence. And because it is so intangible, sometimes we fall away and shift our focus away from God. Sometimes we cry out against Him and the people whom he has put in our lives (those who antagonise you or are good to you), and ask why he did all these.
But I realised that perhaps everything that happened was part of God's bigger plan.
Yes....EVERYTHING.
For He is in control.
And when we obey and give praise to Him, He will bring us there.
Eventually.
Definitely.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Disappointment
It's not like I keep hearing them, or that everyone around me does it.
What am I talking about? This simple notion, or perhaps verbal sentence:
"I'm disappointed in you."
Sorry to disappoint, then.
There are certain things people can sense too, like whether you are upset or disappointed in them or not. Of course, not everyone has that ability.
It's not the amount of times the statement was spoken, or thought, or typed out, but rather the ratio in which it stands out compared to a firm, sincere and (maybe sometimes) consistent form of encouragement.
I can't remember the time when I last saw "You can do it!" or "Don't give up!" or even "I'll support you!" (The last being with actions, of course).
And I'd be lying if I say those three statements originated from me often.
So that's the point, isn't it? That every single human has an inherently negative spirit and needs to replace it with a positive one, though the process of doing so is often sophisticated and sometimes painful.
Even people with a religion.
Yes, I've upset some people. Yes, I know I'm disappointing, thank you very much.
Please don't keep harping on the fact. Or has patience dissipated somewhere into the clouds and rained down as droplets of transformed impatience and judgment?
I hope not. Rather, I try to choose not to believe that it is so.
---------------
Am I disappointed?
Of course I am, but not offended, certainly. The question is with what.
People? Check.
Concepts and ideas of being in a second family that should be more caring than this? Check.
Self? Double check.
Even with God, I suppose.
But perhaps He already had a purpose in mind when I'm going through all these....things.
Have you imagined the pain plants must have felt when they are uprooted or their branches cut off?
Think about it - it's like having your limbs chopped off, or being ripped away from familiarity and tossed somewhere alien.
But sometimes it has to be done, especially when those branches are infected with a disease, or the land has become contaminated that drawing in any sustenance from it only serves to cause the entire plant to deteriorate.
Sound serious doesn't it? Being plants, most of them can't move. But being humans, we can. We also have knowledge and a small amount of wisdom, no matter how old or young you are.
So here's the catch.
I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE.
And I know every reminder is done with goodwill, no matter how much judgment or disappointment follows it.
But tell me something I don't know. Show me something I don't often see.
Too much water or sunlight can also kill the plant, by the way. I think that's what one calls "Doing the right thing with the wrong method".
But enough of that. Perhaps I'm wrong about everything again, or that people are the victims of different subcultures that determine how they act, react and think.
After all, I am a victim of that myself.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 91: Denial
Denial can be so dangerous.
There are times I wonder if having certain emotions is...corect, and sometimes it takes a few rounds around the same lane of emotion before I finally get it.
That's the case for some people too, I think.
So I deny it. So we deny it. Or at least try to.
Ends up the people we are hurting are not only ourselves, but also those around us, albeit indirectly.
I recalled a friend saying this to me: "Jealousy is good, because it means you care."
But instead I harped on the negative parts of what is conceived to be a negative emotion.
In fact, there's a good side to almost everything, but I failed to see that.
And in doing so, perhaps I was the one who abandoned what I desired the most at one point, and in effect abandoned God's vision.
It's difficult thinking and knowing that you are wrong all the time.
But it's even more difficult knowing that you could actually have thrown it all away unwittingly.
Can I pick it up again? Is it the right season?
Only time will tell.
There are times I wonder if having certain emotions is...corect, and sometimes it takes a few rounds around the same lane of emotion before I finally get it.
That's the case for some people too, I think.
So I deny it. So we deny it. Or at least try to.
Ends up the people we are hurting are not only ourselves, but also those around us, albeit indirectly.
I recalled a friend saying this to me: "Jealousy is good, because it means you care."
But instead I harped on the negative parts of what is conceived to be a negative emotion.
In fact, there's a good side to almost everything, but I failed to see that.
And in doing so, perhaps I was the one who abandoned what I desired the most at one point, and in effect abandoned God's vision.
It's difficult thinking and knowing that you are wrong all the time.
But it's even more difficult knowing that you could actually have thrown it all away unwittingly.
Can I pick it up again? Is it the right season?
Only time will tell.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 90: Remorse
Sorry.
To me, the word feels relatively natural.
Was it a lack of pride? Or a lack of self-worth? Or perhaps it could be something more positive, like a lack of arrogance?
No idea yet, you know. It's kinda difficult when your apologies number relatively more than the number of your boasts.
Oh wait, that's a boast in itself. Haha..
But a mere "Sorry" and a "Sorry, I'll keep reflecting and changing" has a big difference.
Words versus words AND action.
Just as it is for guilt and remorse (at least in my dictionary).
Guilt is where one apologizes, keeps having this heavy feeling in his/her heart without really thinking about changing, but keeping the unhealthy faith that he/she is the one always at fault without thinking on HOW to change it.
Remorse is where one apologizes, perhaps even cries about it, but REFLECTS on where things had gone wrong, and thinks about changing as well as plan for it in the future.
I like to think after certain things have happen, after all that clamoring and whining and complaining and sullen behavior, there's remorse now.
It might even be a blessing, since they come unbidden, sudden, without a word of warning or indication that something good will happen. Random actions like looking at the sky or flipping through your phone history for no reason gets you thinking.
Thankfully it's a good thought.
Can I change?
We'll see...And I'll see to it. Somehow.
To me, the word feels relatively natural.
Was it a lack of pride? Or a lack of self-worth? Or perhaps it could be something more positive, like a lack of arrogance?
No idea yet, you know. It's kinda difficult when your apologies number relatively more than the number of your boasts.
Oh wait, that's a boast in itself. Haha..
But a mere "Sorry" and a "Sorry, I'll keep reflecting and changing" has a big difference.
Words versus words AND action.
Just as it is for guilt and remorse (at least in my dictionary).
Guilt is where one apologizes, keeps having this heavy feeling in his/her heart without really thinking about changing, but keeping the unhealthy faith that he/she is the one always at fault without thinking on HOW to change it.
Remorse is where one apologizes, perhaps even cries about it, but REFLECTS on where things had gone wrong, and thinks about changing as well as plan for it in the future.
I like to think after certain things have happen, after all that clamoring and whining and complaining and sullen behavior, there's remorse now.
It might even be a blessing, since they come unbidden, sudden, without a word of warning or indication that something good will happen. Random actions like looking at the sky or flipping through your phone history for no reason gets you thinking.
Thankfully it's a good thought.
Can I change?
We'll see...And I'll see to it. Somehow.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Chronicles of Iridiscence, Chapter 89b: Reciprocation
"Do unto others what you want others to do unto you."
Golden rule? Probably.
And thank the King for this.
It isn't the first time that I had this thought in mind, even after a great sermon by Pst. Kong today. It's like this little voices in my mind saying, "Hey, this (unsuitable term for a guy or girl) did this to you. Don't you want to do the same back?"
I'm most guilty of having contemplated the scenario itself, and I'm still feeling horrible that I actually did that. Thinking that in the future, if they really did need my help, or that I've truly prospered and become much, much, much more than what I am and these people come to me, should I do what they have done unto me?
When they ask for help, I reject it?
When they ask simple questions, I simply ignore them?
When they ask me to be more sensitive, I tell them I also have my own sensitivities?
When they attempt to point out things that might be wrong, I quickly and immediately defend myself?
Now that I think about this, I feel really guilty.
The Son has already said we should do unto others what we want others to do unto us.
The Book also says that we should turn the other cheek to the person who slapped us on one cheek.
The principle, of course, is not to get beaten up, but more of having a peace-loving attitude and one that doesn't demand warped human justice. The correct term would be vengeance, of course.
Also, judge, and the same judgment will be used upon you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
I don't like to be judged. And I doubt YOU do too, right?
So my conclusion is this....
Even if these people have hurt me, I will be peace-loving.
With the hurting done, unintentionally or intentionally, whether its because of one's own self-interests or for the sake of others.
If they ask for help, I will give it.
If they ask for forgiveness, I will give it.
If they ask to be friends, I'll gladly be one to them.
Regardless of my status. Regardless of their motives.
--------------------------
Maybe I still don't have to give up.
Hope is still there. If not, why the heck am I still trying despite a self-declaration that I can no longer trust in the King or people for the things I desire AND that are good and pleasing to the King?
The Book has a few things that one can use as a mantra to encourage oneself, and one of them is the famous passage on Love.
I shall elaborate no further, for the rest are only revealed to a few close people who at least encourage me, and do so sincerely.
And to the Almighty One, of course.
For there can be no other who gave me that peace when I asked.
I shall receive.
I shall hope.
Golden rule? Probably.
And thank the King for this.
It isn't the first time that I had this thought in mind, even after a great sermon by Pst. Kong today. It's like this little voices in my mind saying, "Hey, this (unsuitable term for a guy or girl) did this to you. Don't you want to do the same back?"
I'm most guilty of having contemplated the scenario itself, and I'm still feeling horrible that I actually did that. Thinking that in the future, if they really did need my help, or that I've truly prospered and become much, much, much more than what I am and these people come to me, should I do what they have done unto me?
When they ask for help, I reject it?
When they ask simple questions, I simply ignore them?
When they ask me to be more sensitive, I tell them I also have my own sensitivities?
When they attempt to point out things that might be wrong, I quickly and immediately defend myself?
Now that I think about this, I feel really guilty.
The Son has already said we should do unto others what we want others to do unto us.
The Book also says that we should turn the other cheek to the person who slapped us on one cheek.
The principle, of course, is not to get beaten up, but more of having a peace-loving attitude and one that doesn't demand warped human justice. The correct term would be vengeance, of course.
Also, judge, and the same judgment will be used upon you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
I don't like to be judged. And I doubt YOU do too, right?
So my conclusion is this....
Even if these people have hurt me, I will be peace-loving.
With the hurting done, unintentionally or intentionally, whether its because of one's own self-interests or for the sake of others.
If they ask for help, I will give it.
If they ask for forgiveness, I will give it.
If they ask to be friends, I'll gladly be one to them.
Regardless of my status. Regardless of their motives.
--------------------------
Maybe I still don't have to give up.
Hope is still there. If not, why the heck am I still trying despite a self-declaration that I can no longer trust in the King or people for the things I desire AND that are good and pleasing to the King?
The Book has a few things that one can use as a mantra to encourage oneself, and one of them is the famous passage on Love.
I shall elaborate no further, for the rest are only revealed to a few close people who at least encourage me, and do so sincerely.
And to the Almighty One, of course.
For there can be no other who gave me that peace when I asked.
I shall receive.
I shall hope.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 89: Side
God's on my side, right?
Even if no one's supporting me in certain things or decisions I make, He's still there.
Even if I fail repeatedly, He's still there to lift me up.
Looking upon the success of others, the happiness of others and catching myself before the envy becomes too deeply rooted, I realised what Pst. Tan had mentioned earlier this year.
Everyone has different seasons in their lives. Yours might be a wintry, dry and cold time, while others are basking in total happiness, surrounded by warmth and friends.
And another one mentioned by a friend, something implying that the greater one's trial is, the greater/stronger/wiser he will become.
And definitely the greater the rewards.
Right now I'm simply hoping for simple progress. Short dashes to milestones barely twenty metres away, perhaps.
But who or what is to say that if I persevere, I wouldn't be blessed more than what I can imagine? I wouldn't become someone that I've never thought of becoming?
Who has the AUTHORITY to say that I should not hope that prayer comes to pass in a similar nature?
In a way, frankly, I'm disappointed by the amount of negative comments coming out, well-meaning as they are (for which I'm still thankful).
"You can hope, BUT be prepared not to get it."
"Oh...Okay."
"Sure or not? You know what's going on?"
"You're not ready."
Yes, my dear friends, I know all these, and I thank you for your repeated reminders.
But I DON'T NEED extra doses of reality.
I need/want encouragement. The type where I feel it's sincere. The type where I feel that the people encouraging are at least interested in where my dreams are heading. In what I'm intending to do to reach those goals and those hopes I've placed in things and in...people.
But sadly (and bluntly once more), there's a lack of interest.
But that's part of OUR fallen human nature (yes, I'm also sometimes guilty of this to others), isn't it?
But I remembered the story about Jacob. About Mark.
I REMEMBERED.
And at the end of the day, if I keep my wits, my sincerity, my perseverance and my humility about me, I might just turn from a worm crawling on the ground into an eagle, soaring high above those who were once flying up there.
But my purpose is not to win others. Not anymore.
It's simply to shine for the Lord.
And be happy.
Even if no one's supporting me in certain things or decisions I make, He's still there.
Even if I fail repeatedly, He's still there to lift me up.
Looking upon the success of others, the happiness of others and catching myself before the envy becomes too deeply rooted, I realised what Pst. Tan had mentioned earlier this year.
Everyone has different seasons in their lives. Yours might be a wintry, dry and cold time, while others are basking in total happiness, surrounded by warmth and friends.
And another one mentioned by a friend, something implying that the greater one's trial is, the greater/stronger/wiser he will become.
And definitely the greater the rewards.
Right now I'm simply hoping for simple progress. Short dashes to milestones barely twenty metres away, perhaps.
But who or what is to say that if I persevere, I wouldn't be blessed more than what I can imagine? I wouldn't become someone that I've never thought of becoming?
Who has the AUTHORITY to say that I should not hope that prayer comes to pass in a similar nature?
In a way, frankly, I'm disappointed by the amount of negative comments coming out, well-meaning as they are (for which I'm still thankful).
"You can hope, BUT be prepared not to get it."
"Oh...Okay."
"Sure or not? You know what's going on?"
"You're not ready."
Yes, my dear friends, I know all these, and I thank you for your repeated reminders.
But I DON'T NEED extra doses of reality.
I need/want encouragement. The type where I feel it's sincere. The type where I feel that the people encouraging are at least interested in where my dreams are heading. In what I'm intending to do to reach those goals and those hopes I've placed in things and in...people.
But sadly (and bluntly once more), there's a lack of interest.
But that's part of OUR fallen human nature (yes, I'm also sometimes guilty of this to others), isn't it?
But I remembered the story about Jacob. About Mark.
I REMEMBERED.
And at the end of the day, if I keep my wits, my sincerity, my perseverance and my humility about me, I might just turn from a worm crawling on the ground into an eagle, soaring high above those who were once flying up there.
But my purpose is not to win others. Not anymore.
It's simply to shine for the Lord.
And be happy.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 88: Ashes
Kinda strange for a title, isn't it?
Ashes aren't really much to look at - greyish, bits and pieces of what remains after you burn something (most of the time its paper products and items).
Of course, there are important connotations tagged onto these uninspiring flakes too, especially when a dying loved one asks you to scatter his/her ashes in whatever place he/she wants them scattered. It represents, then, the last dying wish and an avenue for you, the one left grieving for a time, to fulfill that wish.
Once the context changes, the importance does too.
Interestingly, that's also the case in some fantasy settings. Ashes of a beast burnt to death are often nothing much to look at, except serve as an indication for a protagonist to deduce that a forest fire had taken place, or some bastards had razed an entire town to the ground.
In another case, the ashes of the Phoenix becomes that much more important as the bird itself symbolises rebirth, and ashes becomes the foundation for it after its first death.
And sometimes, your dreams turn into ashes.
Should I even say more?
Probably not, because I'm still deciding between whether those ashes are that of a phoenix or that or a nondescript beast, one destined to be mostly ignored, mostly obscure, mostly a foil for the lives of others to thrive and for someone else to take center-stage.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Reply
Just a question.
Is it normal to actually accept that you hardly get any replies sometimes?
Earlier, I had fretted about this, and got different responses to this situation I found most troubling.
"Don't be so impatient. Maybe she's busy."
"I guess you can just wait a while? Not everyone has the habit of answering immediately."
"Maybe the phone's spoiled? Or the Internet connection has some problem..."
A few other comments (some not so nice) got me thinking. It's self-centered asking people to reply immediately, because THEIR LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND ME. It also shows a glaring lack of patience, something I'm still honing (and probably many, many others too, thanks to the fast-paced society we're living in).
Most of all, it shows a terrible deficiency of maturity.
So I try to do the opposite - Try my hardest to be patient, waiting even up to 3 days for the reply. The longest record was 5 days, for the record, before my patience wore away and I had to send a message again.
Problem is, I'm starting to wonder if this is suppose to be normal.
I'm not talking about random strangers, or classmates, or people you don't really know all that well.
I'm talking about friends.
So you tell me to be patient. You tell me to wait for replies.
Does that I mean I should be doing things like wait for several days just for a simple reply to a simple greeting that says "Hey! How are you/How have you been/How's life? =)"?
Sometimes, there's obviously no reply at all.
That doesn't stop me from trying, but there's an appalling sense of normalcy that's beginning to creep into this.
And I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
Not everything's that bad, of course. There are people who reply, and there are those whose simple replies simply made my day, be it through SMS, a return call (One of the rarest things, of course...Can almost be considered a birthday present sometimes), through MSN messenger or even through Facebook.
Sometimes, it acts like the pleasant wind that blows the dark clouds away from my day.
But more importantly, rather than just why this acceptance is starting to become normal, I need to know how not to let it feel normal, and what I should be doing such that people will find it pleasant to reply or converse with me.
Long route ahead, as always...
Is it normal to actually accept that you hardly get any replies sometimes?
Earlier, I had fretted about this, and got different responses to this situation I found most troubling.
"Don't be so impatient. Maybe she's busy."
"I guess you can just wait a while? Not everyone has the habit of answering immediately."
"Maybe the phone's spoiled? Or the Internet connection has some problem..."
A few other comments (some not so nice) got me thinking. It's self-centered asking people to reply immediately, because THEIR LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND ME. It also shows a glaring lack of patience, something I'm still honing (and probably many, many others too, thanks to the fast-paced society we're living in).
Most of all, it shows a terrible deficiency of maturity.
So I try to do the opposite - Try my hardest to be patient, waiting even up to 3 days for the reply. The longest record was 5 days, for the record, before my patience wore away and I had to send a message again.
Problem is, I'm starting to wonder if this is suppose to be normal.
I'm not talking about random strangers, or classmates, or people you don't really know all that well.
I'm talking about friends.
So you tell me to be patient. You tell me to wait for replies.
Does that I mean I should be doing things like wait for several days just for a simple reply to a simple greeting that says "Hey! How are you/How have you been/How's life? =)"?
Sometimes, there's obviously no reply at all.
That doesn't stop me from trying, but there's an appalling sense of normalcy that's beginning to creep into this.
And I don't like it. I don't like it at all.
Not everything's that bad, of course. There are people who reply, and there are those whose simple replies simply made my day, be it through SMS, a return call (One of the rarest things, of course...Can almost be considered a birthday present sometimes), through MSN messenger or even through Facebook.
Sometimes, it acts like the pleasant wind that blows the dark clouds away from my day.
But more importantly, rather than just why this acceptance is starting to become normal, I need to know how not to let it feel normal, and what I should be doing such that people will find it pleasant to reply or converse with me.
Long route ahead, as always...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chronicles of iridescence, Chapter 87: Something Wrong
Something is wrong.
With me.
That's why things aren't happening.
We always tend to keep asking 'why' (a tendency that could have been left unnoticed had Pst. Tan not brought it up last Saturday) and sometimes we do it subconsciously, without realising it's fruitless to do so unless you know 'what' to do and 'how' to go about doing it.
The 'do' here refers to problem solving, of course.
I realised I haven't been facing up to my problems head on despite my own self-assurances.
Hey, don't look at me. It IS difficult, and no one will realise how difficult it is unless they have a certain level of resolve, a certain level of courage and a certain level of tenacity. (All three can be exclusive of each other, though).
The moment I start facing up to my problems a little, that's when things started happening for the better. Simple things like being able to talk to people more or being able to save more time because of how 'coincidental' trains come just at the right time with just the right amount of space for you to squeeze into are just some examples.
Maybe that's what I need to do? Face up to those problems properly and deal with them.
Though I would have a better chance if I was a little more ruthless in dealing with them. Something to consider, perhaps.
....All right, back to a stressful week.
God, give me strength and wisdom.
As always.
With me.
That's why things aren't happening.
We always tend to keep asking 'why' (a tendency that could have been left unnoticed had Pst. Tan not brought it up last Saturday) and sometimes we do it subconsciously, without realising it's fruitless to do so unless you know 'what' to do and 'how' to go about doing it.
The 'do' here refers to problem solving, of course.
I realised I haven't been facing up to my problems head on despite my own self-assurances.
Hey, don't look at me. It IS difficult, and no one will realise how difficult it is unless they have a certain level of resolve, a certain level of courage and a certain level of tenacity. (All three can be exclusive of each other, though).
The moment I start facing up to my problems a little, that's when things started happening for the better. Simple things like being able to talk to people more or being able to save more time because of how 'coincidental' trains come just at the right time with just the right amount of space for you to squeeze into are just some examples.
Maybe that's what I need to do? Face up to those problems properly and deal with them.
Though I would have a better chance if I was a little more ruthless in dealing with them. Something to consider, perhaps.
....All right, back to a stressful week.
God, give me strength and wisdom.
As always.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 86: Emotion
Man.
When I thought I was over that feeling already, it comes back.
It's something that irks me so badly sometimes it takes massive effort not to think about it.
At least it keeps me on my toes. Guard thine heart, O son of Most High.
----------------------
"If you are in a relationship, stop flirting with other girls/boys."
Heard that phrase before?
Those in question probably defend themselves (as I've seen lots done so) as simply 'wanting to make more friends'.
Well, they know it themselves whether its the truth or a lie (whichever it is - being in a relationship or making more friends), so no point judging them. They will be judged one way or another. True, nothing wrong with making more friends of the opposite sex, but its the motive that counts.
....Okay, I'm irked by this, but no point thinking about it either.
As a disclaimer, I'm not irritated just for myself, but also for others who have lost their significant others to....people by such methods.
Just going to do my stuff to the best of my ability.
When I thought I was over that feeling already, it comes back.
It's something that irks me so badly sometimes it takes massive effort not to think about it.
At least it keeps me on my toes. Guard thine heart, O son of Most High.
----------------------
"If you are in a relationship, stop flirting with other girls/boys."
Heard that phrase before?
Those in question probably defend themselves (as I've seen lots done so) as simply 'wanting to make more friends'.
Well, they know it themselves whether its the truth or a lie (whichever it is - being in a relationship or making more friends), so no point judging them. They will be judged one way or another. True, nothing wrong with making more friends of the opposite sex, but its the motive that counts.
....Okay, I'm irked by this, but no point thinking about it either.
As a disclaimer, I'm not irritated just for myself, but also for others who have lost their significant others to....people by such methods.
Just going to do my stuff to the best of my ability.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Destiny
Just thought about the sermon last week, and it really, really, really bothered me.
You mean to say that half of my destiny, or more than that, is determined by people around me? The people I managed to interact with? The friends I have?
That's just.....horrible.
It would literally mean, for me, that I'll NEVER get to that destiny.
Yes, I'm being somewhat cynical here. Sue me, okay?
Unless, of course, something changes.
And to know that no one is really close to you, or knows you well, or really cries and laughs with you.......
Say, you out there, if there's anyone at all, of course.
What is the definition of a friend?
Someone who talks with you proactively only on Saturdays and Sundays?
Someone who treats you like a transparent piece of....God-knows-what whenever you try just to talk?
Someone who plays and has fun with you, only to leave you in the cold about their group gatherings and in the lurch about certain important things happening?
Seriously, man....Please tell me....
.....What are friends to a person easily forgotten?
You mean to say that half of my destiny, or more than that, is determined by people around me? The people I managed to interact with? The friends I have?
That's just.....horrible.
It would literally mean, for me, that I'll NEVER get to that destiny.
Yes, I'm being somewhat cynical here. Sue me, okay?
Unless, of course, something changes.
And to know that no one is really close to you, or knows you well, or really cries and laughs with you.......
Say, you out there, if there's anyone at all, of course.
What is the definition of a friend?
Someone who talks with you proactively only on Saturdays and Sundays?
Someone who treats you like a transparent piece of....God-knows-what whenever you try just to talk?
Someone who plays and has fun with you, only to leave you in the cold about their group gatherings and in the lurch about certain important things happening?
Seriously, man....Please tell me....
.....What are friends to a person easily forgotten?
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 85: Second Fiddle
What does it feel like to always be '2nd in running' or '3rd in running' or even '1685252nd in running'?
I thought I knew all about it after playing second fiddle for many different situations, and the moment where Man starts to feel he knows enough....
....He actually doesn't.
Being second fiddle sucks. Period.
But to be the first, one probably needs time and effort and energy.
And its fine for certain things, such as positions and achievements, but for the more 'intangible' stuff, this gets pretty difficult. You need to account for personal circumstances, circumstances of other people involved, unresolved issues, obstacles, environment....A whole mess of stuff.
Go figure what I'm talking about. You'll get it, somehow....As long as you are a human, you will definitely get it somehow, someday.
-------------------------
Sometimes it amazes me how the King still uses me.
While no one is perfect, it feels as though there are some that are "more imperfect" than others. Other people who don't know or who don't bother to want to know/care would judge them for who they are on the surface, for how they behave (Yes, action can be a manifestation of the inner heart, but NOT ALL THE TIME, DAMMIT).
How are they more "imperfect"? Just a few simple examples.
-Being sensitive to one's own needs, but insensitive to others.
-Saying one thing and doing another.
- Expecting others to compromise for their comfort, but not that willing to compromise for others.
-Unable to hold in their emotions "normally", resulting in "deviant" behaviour.
-Doing unto others what one would NOT like to be done onto them - even things they heavily criticise and despise.
Obviously, some of these imperfections belong to me.
Fallen so many times, picked myself up so many times, and fell again, and stood up.
The cycle goes on, and sometimes I have one such blasphemous thought (for all you religious people, scream your head off at me if you want):
"God, you must be crazy."
And I'm thinking He really is. He's mad. How can He be so willing to use a wreck? Someone so imperfect, that even a boy or girl 5-6 years his junior would prove to be even better suited for the position or for the responsibilities he has?
Why would He even give visions and dreams that drove this man so much, until he ran headlong into seemingly indomitable steel walls? Aren't there more spiritually strong people? People without personality defects or a unresolved monster of the past still lurking in the heart or someone without flaws that even the youngest member who could make his own decisions didn't have?
But if God is crazy, then so am I.
I'm crazy to keep believing. I'm crazy to keep trying to build relationships with people. I'm crazy for even thinking about pursuing dreams or hopes or a-my desires (good ones, mind you). I'm crazy for even slamming against the damn walls time and again, knowing that I'll get hurt.
I'm crazy time and again for asking for strength and wisdom, knowing what follows would be trial after trial after trial that, on first look, serve to do nothing but break me down into a pathetic, tiny sobbing wreck wracked with guilt and shame and anguish and sorrow.
But here I am.
Bloodied, battered, bruised, injured. Thrown about like a rag doll and felt as though I had been drawn and nearly quartered.
But still alive. Still standing up after every difficult time. Sometimes a little more quicker, sometimes a little more slowly. Sometimes having a portion of my soul gouged out, having a festering wound that leaves more than just a scar.
But for two things, I would have been another set of bones in the valley.
I....was obviously still alive.
And God....was obviously still crazy.
In a very, very heartwarming way.
And I pray, He will continue to be crazy in that way.
I thought I knew all about it after playing second fiddle for many different situations, and the moment where Man starts to feel he knows enough....
....He actually doesn't.
Being second fiddle sucks. Period.
But to be the first, one probably needs time and effort and energy.
And its fine for certain things, such as positions and achievements, but for the more 'intangible' stuff, this gets pretty difficult. You need to account for personal circumstances, circumstances of other people involved, unresolved issues, obstacles, environment....A whole mess of stuff.
Go figure what I'm talking about. You'll get it, somehow....As long as you are a human, you will definitely get it somehow, someday.
-------------------------
Sometimes it amazes me how the King still uses me.
While no one is perfect, it feels as though there are some that are "more imperfect" than others. Other people who don't know or who don't bother to want to know/care would judge them for who they are on the surface, for how they behave (Yes, action can be a manifestation of the inner heart, but NOT ALL THE TIME, DAMMIT).
How are they more "imperfect"? Just a few simple examples.
-Being sensitive to one's own needs, but insensitive to others.
-Saying one thing and doing another.
- Expecting others to compromise for their comfort, but not that willing to compromise for others.
-Unable to hold in their emotions "normally", resulting in "deviant" behaviour.
-Doing unto others what one would NOT like to be done onto them - even things they heavily criticise and despise.
Obviously, some of these imperfections belong to me.
Fallen so many times, picked myself up so many times, and fell again, and stood up.
The cycle goes on, and sometimes I have one such blasphemous thought (for all you religious people, scream your head off at me if you want):
"God, you must be crazy."
And I'm thinking He really is. He's mad. How can He be so willing to use a wreck? Someone so imperfect, that even a boy or girl 5-6 years his junior would prove to be even better suited for the position or for the responsibilities he has?
Why would He even give visions and dreams that drove this man so much, until he ran headlong into seemingly indomitable steel walls? Aren't there more spiritually strong people? People without personality defects or a unresolved monster of the past still lurking in the heart or someone without flaws that even the youngest member who could make his own decisions didn't have?
But if God is crazy, then so am I.
I'm crazy to keep believing. I'm crazy to keep trying to build relationships with people. I'm crazy for even thinking about pursuing dreams or hopes or a-my desires (good ones, mind you). I'm crazy for even slamming against the damn walls time and again, knowing that I'll get hurt.
I'm crazy time and again for asking for strength and wisdom, knowing what follows would be trial after trial after trial that, on first look, serve to do nothing but break me down into a pathetic, tiny sobbing wreck wracked with guilt and shame and anguish and sorrow.
But here I am.
Bloodied, battered, bruised, injured. Thrown about like a rag doll and felt as though I had been drawn and nearly quartered.
But still alive. Still standing up after every difficult time. Sometimes a little more quicker, sometimes a little more slowly. Sometimes having a portion of my soul gouged out, having a festering wound that leaves more than just a scar.
But for two things, I would have been another set of bones in the valley.
I....was obviously still alive.
And God....was obviously still crazy.
In a very, very heartwarming way.
And I pray, He will continue to be crazy in that way.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 84: Potential
Just had a random thought today.
Humans have great potential. All of us do.
But sometimes it takes just one right move, or one wrong step, and everything changes. Your life can turn into a heaven or a hell based on the decisions you make.
The ironic thing is, sometimes when its the right decision to make, you can't see the fruits that you will bear. When its the wrong step to take, you can't visualise the consequences.
That's the difficult thing about making decisions, and sometimes we don't want to risk it. We prefer staying in the comfort zone and reject most, if not all possibilities because one of them will lead you down a path of irreversible change, mostly for the worse.
And thus, we give up ownership of the potential locked inside us by throwing away the key to the trove of possibilities and dreams.
As it is with most normal people, we go through this routine - go to school, get good or at least acceptable grades, go to good tertiary institutions to further studies, get to the local university, get a degree (nowadays its more acceptable to get Honours), get a stable job, find a good wife/husband, get married, settle down with kids, get a modest flat with a modest car and make sure everything's stable in life.
That was long, wasn't it?
Stability is a good thing, of course.Everyone needs stability. Even the people who base their livelihoods on creative endeavors has to think about stability for their family and their own lives. It's a constant worry for freelancers and a top concern for every single person out there (Unless, of course, you live to cause chaos and havoc).
Therein lies the dilemma.
If you attempt to seek your dreams or try to fulfill your potential, something has to change. When something changes, the tectonic plates under the stability you are standing on start to shift and move and shake you out from your place of comfort, where everything seems constant, stable, predictable.
And boring.
More than that, fulfilling potential or chasing one's dreams can actually give people a purpose in life rather than just passing every single day like every other person on the streets.
It would help if one receives help from the environment they are in, or from the people around them. One good reason why friends who tend to be negative or laugh about your dreams aren't really all that good. Another reason being a stifling environment or one that encourages 'economically sound activities and jobs' over creative endeavors, unless your dream is to be a banker or a manager.
The word 'chasing' or 'taking a step' often implies action, though, and its action that we have to take by ourselves.
Perhaps when we do so, we'll take the subsequent steps, and be able to reach our goal somehow.
------------------------------
There are times where I just feel so...alone?
No idea why, but it seems like every friendship, every relationship, every apprenticeship I go through...Nothing comes out of it.
Maybe it's really just me. Maybe I'm made that way, to be eccentric, to be alone despite the best efforts to try to interact and mingle with everyone else.
Maybe I'm made to be aloof, apart from most people; to be single throughout my entire life.
Maybe I'm made to be truly alone.
Why do I feel this way? Simple.
There's been talk about why I should be the one to make the first step if I want the change?
Guess what? I did. Plenty of times.
You can guess just how fruitful those efforts were just from my posting here.
To me, there always seems to be this....wall. This barrier that I cannot pass, and others cannot pass through. Somehow the conversation always breaks off. No one's really interested in what I have to say, or what I do, or what I can do.
I guess the ability to socialise makes a huge difference, especially when there are others who can talk so much better. Perform this or that so much better. Look much better. Are more charismatic.
The list goes on.
So I wonder if my trying will actually yield anything....at all.
The only thing that can keep me going, then, is Faith.
Something that can't be seen, nor felt, nor understood.
Maybe that's why I'm still going for this and that right now.
You know, for a better and stronger self, for a relationship, for friendship, for my dream of writing.
Maybe its too far off for me right now, maybe its not.
Who knows? Only by trying can I fall really, really hard, or get it real good.
Humans have great potential. All of us do.
But sometimes it takes just one right move, or one wrong step, and everything changes. Your life can turn into a heaven or a hell based on the decisions you make.
The ironic thing is, sometimes when its the right decision to make, you can't see the fruits that you will bear. When its the wrong step to take, you can't visualise the consequences.
That's the difficult thing about making decisions, and sometimes we don't want to risk it. We prefer staying in the comfort zone and reject most, if not all possibilities because one of them will lead you down a path of irreversible change, mostly for the worse.
And thus, we give up ownership of the potential locked inside us by throwing away the key to the trove of possibilities and dreams.
As it is with most normal people, we go through this routine - go to school, get good or at least acceptable grades, go to good tertiary institutions to further studies, get to the local university, get a degree (nowadays its more acceptable to get Honours), get a stable job, find a good wife/husband, get married, settle down with kids, get a modest flat with a modest car and make sure everything's stable in life.
That was long, wasn't it?
Stability is a good thing, of course.Everyone needs stability. Even the people who base their livelihoods on creative endeavors has to think about stability for their family and their own lives. It's a constant worry for freelancers and a top concern for every single person out there (Unless, of course, you live to cause chaos and havoc).
Therein lies the dilemma.
If you attempt to seek your dreams or try to fulfill your potential, something has to change. When something changes, the tectonic plates under the stability you are standing on start to shift and move and shake you out from your place of comfort, where everything seems constant, stable, predictable.
And boring.
More than that, fulfilling potential or chasing one's dreams can actually give people a purpose in life rather than just passing every single day like every other person on the streets.
It would help if one receives help from the environment they are in, or from the people around them. One good reason why friends who tend to be negative or laugh about your dreams aren't really all that good. Another reason being a stifling environment or one that encourages 'economically sound activities and jobs' over creative endeavors, unless your dream is to be a banker or a manager.
The word 'chasing' or 'taking a step' often implies action, though, and its action that we have to take by ourselves.
Perhaps when we do so, we'll take the subsequent steps, and be able to reach our goal somehow.
------------------------------
There are times where I just feel so...alone?
No idea why, but it seems like every friendship, every relationship, every apprenticeship I go through...Nothing comes out of it.
Maybe it's really just me. Maybe I'm made that way, to be eccentric, to be alone despite the best efforts to try to interact and mingle with everyone else.
Maybe I'm made to be aloof, apart from most people; to be single throughout my entire life.
Maybe I'm made to be truly alone.
Why do I feel this way? Simple.
There's been talk about why I should be the one to make the first step if I want the change?
Guess what? I did. Plenty of times.
You can guess just how fruitful those efforts were just from my posting here.
To me, there always seems to be this....wall. This barrier that I cannot pass, and others cannot pass through. Somehow the conversation always breaks off. No one's really interested in what I have to say, or what I do, or what I can do.
I guess the ability to socialise makes a huge difference, especially when there are others who can talk so much better. Perform this or that so much better. Look much better. Are more charismatic.
The list goes on.
So I wonder if my trying will actually yield anything....at all.
The only thing that can keep me going, then, is Faith.
Something that can't be seen, nor felt, nor understood.
Maybe that's why I'm still going for this and that right now.
You know, for a better and stronger self, for a relationship, for friendship, for my dream of writing.
Maybe its too far off for me right now, maybe its not.
Who knows? Only by trying can I fall really, really hard, or get it real good.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 82: Fight
You know, I used to fight in primary school, then in secondary.
Kids nowadays will probably go "Chey, apa ini? onli in primary school. We fight and get suspended for one week sia!"
Not something to be proud of, but what the heck.
I don't like to fight after that. First of all, it hurts. Any normal human would know...Unless you have an extremely high threshold for pain, or you simply like fighting (which in this case, go be a MMA practitioner or boxer). Secondly, it hurts the other party. Lastly, it stems from negative emotions such as anger and hatred. Well, most of them do.
I don't like to fight, so sometimes I run away. And I think we all do. From our problems, that is. Away from things that could hurt us and make us hurt others (occasionally).
But when it comes to certain things, like relationships, or warfare on a different level, or certain hopes I have...Or an invasion into the soul.
That's when we need to take up arms and fight back.
I don't like to fight, really.
But when I get serious...
....WATCH OUT.
Kids nowadays will probably go "Chey, apa ini? onli in primary school. We fight and get suspended for one week sia!"
Not something to be proud of, but what the heck.
I don't like to fight after that. First of all, it hurts. Any normal human would know...Unless you have an extremely high threshold for pain, or you simply like fighting (which in this case, go be a MMA practitioner or boxer). Secondly, it hurts the other party. Lastly, it stems from negative emotions such as anger and hatred. Well, most of them do.
I don't like to fight, so sometimes I run away. And I think we all do. From our problems, that is. Away from things that could hurt us and make us hurt others (occasionally).
But when it comes to certain things, like relationships, or warfare on a different level, or certain hopes I have...Or an invasion into the soul.
That's when we need to take up arms and fight back.
I don't like to fight, really.
But when I get serious...
....WATCH OUT.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 82: Inconsequential
Nothing seems to work.
Bad things don't ever seem to end at all.
Good things don't ever seem to come at all.
It's not like X always knows what to do.
It's not like X is as indomitable as he seems.
But X knows, there are people who will judge him even before they ask.
there are people who seem to be friends of X, but remain silent in times of need.
Perhaps X himself is inconsequential, such that everything he has done so far feels inconsequential.
Or perhaps not so, but simply a tiny cog in the gear of the big picture.
Used for a season, then thrown away because it no longer has any use.
Yet X himself isn't vulnerable to the same value judgments others make not just upon him, but also on others.
What can X think when he seems the other cogs fit so nicely and running so smoothly with one another, and his own teeth, no matter how hard he tries to modify them, just doesn't fit?
Maybe X doesn't belong here.
Or maybe X "isn't trying hard enough."
X snorts derisively, because no one tries hard enough either to understand.
Or perhaps because X has tried too hard, he's making such an assumption that others would care enough, too.
Which doesn't really seem to be the case for X.
-------------------
"Why not leave? This place...These places that you never felt like you belong. The setups that always seem to leave you out of something?"
X has contemplated that, time and again, but Hope persuaded him time and again.
Even though X doesn't seem to be doing anything right.
Even though there isn't even a single milestone in sight for his greatest hopes and dreams.
Time and again, he resists Voice. He rejects him, even gets into the usual fights X has with him.
Even though X comes out battered and bruised most of the time, he still stays.
But now, Voice assails him again with weapons.
And X contemplates once more, whether its time to move on and out of the system.
Make no mistake: X wants to be strong, but he knows he isn't.
X wants to become a better, more STABLE cog, but sees little to no result.
X is tired.
But maybe, after all that, no one really cares. Not even the cogs closest to X.
Some seem to think X is strong and can handle this, or he needs to handle every single thing alone.
Some probably misunderstand X's ideals, actions and words that nothing can or should be done.
Other just don't seem to care.
And Hope?
When X looks at himself - this insignificant little cog with average teeth, with a dusty surface. so many cracks to mend, so many things to do.
Yet every other cog is moving in their gears. No one is slowing down just to help X realise what a good cog he might actually be.
No one will wait for X.
X knows its the proper, yet cruel truth about the System, however good it seems. Everyone are cogs after all, and they are made to be like this.
X is thankful to those who slowed down a little just to help him, but even they move on.
But at the end, when X stops, he can't see anything, hear anything.
No one seems to be beside but the Voice, who continues to hit him while he is down.
Where is the Operator?
Or is he just another small cog, failing to live up to expectations, failing to change into a better cog as compared to the others.
Is he just....
....Inconsequential...?
Bad things don't ever seem to end at all.
Good things don't ever seem to come at all.
It's not like X always knows what to do.
It's not like X is as indomitable as he seems.
But X knows, there are people who will judge him even before they ask.
there are people who seem to be friends of X, but remain silent in times of need.
Perhaps X himself is inconsequential, such that everything he has done so far feels inconsequential.
Or perhaps not so, but simply a tiny cog in the gear of the big picture.
Used for a season, then thrown away because it no longer has any use.
Yet X himself isn't vulnerable to the same value judgments others make not just upon him, but also on others.
What can X think when he seems the other cogs fit so nicely and running so smoothly with one another, and his own teeth, no matter how hard he tries to modify them, just doesn't fit?
Maybe X doesn't belong here.
Or maybe X "isn't trying hard enough."
X snorts derisively, because no one tries hard enough either to understand.
Or perhaps because X has tried too hard, he's making such an assumption that others would care enough, too.
Which doesn't really seem to be the case for X.
-------------------
"Why not leave? This place...These places that you never felt like you belong. The setups that always seem to leave you out of something?"
X has contemplated that, time and again, but Hope persuaded him time and again.
Even though X doesn't seem to be doing anything right.
Even though there isn't even a single milestone in sight for his greatest hopes and dreams.
Time and again, he resists Voice. He rejects him, even gets into the usual fights X has with him.
Even though X comes out battered and bruised most of the time, he still stays.
But now, Voice assails him again with weapons.
And X contemplates once more, whether its time to move on and out of the system.
Make no mistake: X wants to be strong, but he knows he isn't.
X wants to become a better, more STABLE cog, but sees little to no result.
X is tired.
But maybe, after all that, no one really cares. Not even the cogs closest to X.
Some seem to think X is strong and can handle this, or he needs to handle every single thing alone.
Some probably misunderstand X's ideals, actions and words that nothing can or should be done.
Other just don't seem to care.
And Hope?
When X looks at himself - this insignificant little cog with average teeth, with a dusty surface. so many cracks to mend, so many things to do.
Yet every other cog is moving in their gears. No one is slowing down just to help X realise what a good cog he might actually be.
No one will wait for X.
X knows its the proper, yet cruel truth about the System, however good it seems. Everyone are cogs after all, and they are made to be like this.
X is thankful to those who slowed down a little just to help him, but even they move on.
But at the end, when X stops, he can't see anything, hear anything.
No one seems to be beside but the Voice, who continues to hit him while he is down.
Where is the Operator?
Or is he just another small cog, failing to live up to expectations, failing to change into a better cog as compared to the others.
Is he just....
....Inconsequential...?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, 81: Escape and Mind-reading
There's a reason why Avoidance and Running away have negative connotations.
To Avoid mainly means not wanting to engage in any conflict. It speaks of a non-confrontational attitude and stance.
That's not too bad, right?
Well, in some cases, it is good, isn't it? Being peace-loving, not wanting to cause conflict, tension and a widening gap between people....It is good.
But when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand, Avoidance becomes a big No-no.
Especially when one knows that certain things arise again and again AND again, in similar situations, but apparently hasn't changed their attitude towards it. And it is actually wiser to deal with it than to Run away.
You reap what you sow, after all. Lessons, sometimes enriching and mostly painful, should have taught most of us that since our fallible nature causes us to make mistakes over and over again.
And that is why I feel that the mistakes we all make, especially in Avoiding things we should be taking care of and Running away because it infringes on our comfort levels, will eventually return to HAUNT us all, especially if this becomes a habit for us.
Think about it - When it comes to issues that you are uncomfortable with and sometimes even exposes your flaws to yourself and others and you keep on running and hiding from it. If you make it a habit to do it with friends and the people around you, what about the people in the future?
Your future friends? Romantic partner? Spouse? In-laws? Children? Mentors?
That is when Regret sets in, and the feeling of Regret is as horrible as it comes when you know you should have done something earlier, but it has become so strong a habit that you can't break it.
So....What? Turn back the clock? Scream your frustration? Continue on this dreary path? Always keep to oneself because societal and cultural norms dictate that it is extremely shameful to share such things?
On the other hand, perhaps these habits were a result of traumatic past experiences, and we ourselves are trying our very best to get rid of these habits. Sometimes you just can't reach a breakthrough and tell the skeptical and overly concerned people around you that you are trying your best, or again, attempt to Hide behind a cheery mask (Nothing wrong with that, but there's the danger of making it a habit).
You know what?
It's okay.
Most importantly, one should know that no matter how old or mature one is, there are always flaws and there is always room for improvement.
That's perhaps one of the greatest flaws of intellectual adults, whether they are young or old.
We think we know best. We think we know it all. We think that this or that isn't a flaw, just a part of our real personality and self.
Well, flaws ARE part of our personality and self.
Yes, we can ask others to accept us for who we are, but the main Question is...
Are we trying our very best to change not for others, but for ourselves after knowing that those are flaws?
Are we ready to put aside our own pride and become open to teaching and advice from older, more mature people, and perhaps even younger ones?
I know I want that, though it isn't easy.
But whoever said that good things come easily?
Don't give up.
---------------------------
Up till now, it puzzles me sometimes...When one talks/rants about trust and personal privacy and rights and whatnot, I've always wanted to ask this question (but did not, for fear they are sensitive to that):
"Have you told others about your boundaries? No? How do you EXPECT them, then, to know those are the boundaries? That that is your definition of trust? Your definition of privacy?"
It's a tricky issue for people who look bright and cheery and crazy on the outside, but hides a rather different self inside.
Well, I think we should get one fact straight.
NOT EVERYONE CAN READ MINDS.
Well, perhaps a select few, but even those are extremely rare.
Yes, there are things you can share and there are things you can't, (The complex key to this is balance, of course) but again, have you thought about what it means when you start saying someone doesn't trust you and misunderstands you grossly, especially if that someone is a friend?
No, seriously...Have you really, REALLY thought about it?
I think it would be natural for others to worry when you start exhibiting behavior different from what you portrayed to others, no?
And when THEIR actions are enacted and YOU think they tell you a different story....
Who's misunderstanding who now?
A little heavy, isn't it?
To end on a more positive note, so glad to be going to church tomorrow. Despite the madness of the week and the strange things happening - things that have to do with a breakdown of something -, at least I can look forward to something.
Here's hoping to an improvement and a better day.
For you and me.
For everyone.
To Avoid mainly means not wanting to engage in any conflict. It speaks of a non-confrontational attitude and stance.
That's not too bad, right?
Well, in some cases, it is good, isn't it? Being peace-loving, not wanting to cause conflict, tension and a widening gap between people....It is good.
But when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand, Avoidance becomes a big No-no.
Especially when one knows that certain things arise again and again AND again, in similar situations, but apparently hasn't changed their attitude towards it. And it is actually wiser to deal with it than to Run away.
You reap what you sow, after all. Lessons, sometimes enriching and mostly painful, should have taught most of us that since our fallible nature causes us to make mistakes over and over again.
And that is why I feel that the mistakes we all make, especially in Avoiding things we should be taking care of and Running away because it infringes on our comfort levels, will eventually return to HAUNT us all, especially if this becomes a habit for us.
Think about it - When it comes to issues that you are uncomfortable with and sometimes even exposes your flaws to yourself and others and you keep on running and hiding from it. If you make it a habit to do it with friends and the people around you, what about the people in the future?
Your future friends? Romantic partner? Spouse? In-laws? Children? Mentors?
That is when Regret sets in, and the feeling of Regret is as horrible as it comes when you know you should have done something earlier, but it has become so strong a habit that you can't break it.
So....What? Turn back the clock? Scream your frustration? Continue on this dreary path? Always keep to oneself because societal and cultural norms dictate that it is extremely shameful to share such things?
On the other hand, perhaps these habits were a result of traumatic past experiences, and we ourselves are trying our very best to get rid of these habits. Sometimes you just can't reach a breakthrough and tell the skeptical and overly concerned people around you that you are trying your best, or again, attempt to Hide behind a cheery mask (Nothing wrong with that, but there's the danger of making it a habit).
You know what?
It's okay.
Most importantly, one should know that no matter how old or mature one is, there are always flaws and there is always room for improvement.
That's perhaps one of the greatest flaws of intellectual adults, whether they are young or old.
We think we know best. We think we know it all. We think that this or that isn't a flaw, just a part of our real personality and self.
Well, flaws ARE part of our personality and self.
Yes, we can ask others to accept us for who we are, but the main Question is...
Are we trying our very best to change not for others, but for ourselves after knowing that those are flaws?
Are we ready to put aside our own pride and become open to teaching and advice from older, more mature people, and perhaps even younger ones?
I know I want that, though it isn't easy.
But whoever said that good things come easily?
Don't give up.
---------------------------
Up till now, it puzzles me sometimes...When one talks/rants about trust and personal privacy and rights and whatnot, I've always wanted to ask this question (but did not, for fear they are sensitive to that):
"Have you told others about your boundaries? No? How do you EXPECT them, then, to know those are the boundaries? That that is your definition of trust? Your definition of privacy?"
It's a tricky issue for people who look bright and cheery and crazy on the outside, but hides a rather different self inside.
Well, I think we should get one fact straight.
NOT EVERYONE CAN READ MINDS.
Well, perhaps a select few, but even those are extremely rare.
Yes, there are things you can share and there are things you can't, (The complex key to this is balance, of course) but again, have you thought about what it means when you start saying someone doesn't trust you and misunderstands you grossly, especially if that someone is a friend?
No, seriously...Have you really, REALLY thought about it?
I think it would be natural for others to worry when you start exhibiting behavior different from what you portrayed to others, no?
And when THEIR actions are enacted and YOU think they tell you a different story....
Who's misunderstanding who now?
A little heavy, isn't it?
To end on a more positive note, so glad to be going to church tomorrow. Despite the madness of the week and the strange things happening - things that have to do with a breakdown of something -, at least I can look forward to something.
Here's hoping to an improvement and a better day.
For you and me.
For everyone.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Cliff's Edge
Standing on the cliff's edge can be terrifying.
Not so when you've been running blindly towards the crevasse, not at all sure that you were actually running towards your doom, death coming to you a thousand feet down.
But once you stop at the cliff's edge, only do you realise that you've barely escaped that. Only when you look down, do you realise the consequences of what happened if you didn't stop and if you took one step too far.
Instead of thinking 'why did things progress in such a sour and callous manner?', think that 'Phew, I managed to stop in time. Let's just put my trust in Him.'
And no matter how many times, I think that it was all worth it...Because that's what comes when one asks for strength. For capacity. For...You know, other things.
You don't get it like microwaved food - you put it in your faith microwave, pray up a storm, feel the fire coming down to warm and cook your prayer then get it once the heat is enough.
My King is the chef, and he decides when to cook it and how to cook it.
It might not be the dish I expect, but I certainly feel its something of the same nature.
So I can't give up.
Can't fall to the trap of the Accuser either.
And the previous post was perhaps another Cliff's Edge moment.
Despite the negative vibes coming from it, I thank my King that I did not take it one step too far and plummet to the complete and possibly irreversible death of....things. Things like faith, relationships, hopes and dreams. If someone chastises me over that, I'll be thankful, even for that.
Another thing I can do, of course, is to put the issue(s) behind for the time being and pull them up again when all parties are ready to face it. How would I know if we are all ready? I don't know...But I have a feeling my King will prompt me, gently or maybe even in a more...deliberate manner.
Not so when you've been running blindly towards the crevasse, not at all sure that you were actually running towards your doom, death coming to you a thousand feet down.
But once you stop at the cliff's edge, only do you realise that you've barely escaped that. Only when you look down, do you realise the consequences of what happened if you didn't stop and if you took one step too far.
Instead of thinking 'why did things progress in such a sour and callous manner?', think that 'Phew, I managed to stop in time. Let's just put my trust in Him.'
And no matter how many times, I think that it was all worth it...Because that's what comes when one asks for strength. For capacity. For...You know, other things.
You don't get it like microwaved food - you put it in your faith microwave, pray up a storm, feel the fire coming down to warm and cook your prayer then get it once the heat is enough.
My King is the chef, and he decides when to cook it and how to cook it.
It might not be the dish I expect, but I certainly feel its something of the same nature.
So I can't give up.
Can't fall to the trap of the Accuser either.
And the previous post was perhaps another Cliff's Edge moment.
Despite the negative vibes coming from it, I thank my King that I did not take it one step too far and plummet to the complete and possibly irreversible death of....things. Things like faith, relationships, hopes and dreams. If someone chastises me over that, I'll be thankful, even for that.
Another thing I can do, of course, is to put the issue(s) behind for the time being and pull them up again when all parties are ready to face it. How would I know if we are all ready? I don't know...But I have a feeling my King will prompt me, gently or maybe even in a more...deliberate manner.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thought
An idea, a concept or simply something that comes up in a person's mind.
An action of doing so.
Closely associated with assumption.
'I thought this was supposed to happen.' 'I thought that was suppose to occur.'
Sadly, I've fallen into that trap.
I thought I could do it.
Well, I probably still could, but it's been dozens of times since I failed.
I thought we were friends, or at least a little more comfortable with each other to show BASIC RESPECT/MANNERs.
But looks like it was wishful thinking. Again.
Really, is it just me?
I've been told several times that I'm actually more important than I thought I am. Encouraging, edifying words are always welcomed, of course, but words don't ever stop those kind of feelings and occurrences that have been prevalent for at least a dozen years, you know?
----------------------------------
No one wants others to assume who they are, what they are doing, what they are feeling etc.
So sometimes I find it strange that when one asks someone else, whether it is voiced out or kept in the heart, that they should never ever assume that they are feeling this way because it infringes on their rights and BASIC level of trust and RESPECT as a person/friend, they themselves, or rather, we ourselves do that.
We tell others to respect us and stop assuming, but we ourselves assume the worst of others.
We tell others to stop running, but we ourselves are the ones hiding and dodging.
We tell others that we hate people who don't respond, yet we ourselves ignore other people we know who come with the simplest of requests.
We warn others not to complain about us behind their backs and 'respect their/our boundaries', yet we dive into gossip without really caring how the person might feel about having his/her private issues brought to light.
We say, whether verbally or in our hearts, that other people should be sensitive to our needs and respect us, but we ourselves are insensitive.
We say that people should stop being so judgmental and look at the outside, but we ourselves look at the actions of others and immediately criticize and lump them as one category of people due to what society dictates.
I will not judge, of course, the attempts made by other people to change, because many probably have tried to change that way of thinking and they keep failing. How would I know? Simple...Those who have been in the situation should understand it better than most.
How much effort was put in, how much time was invested in it...Only the person him/herself knows, and that person gets extremely frustrated and angry when someone judges him or her because he/she has really, really tried their best.
Yet if you, You, yOu and yoU think that I am the hypocrite here, that I have no right to talk about this, look at your own actions before passing judgment.
Besides, I'm a normal human. If you don't like the way I air my grievances, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I prefer doing this than penting it all up or running away from the issue.
At least, if someone sees this, they can call dibs on me, and I can reflect on my behavior if I ever do enact any of the unsavory examples I've listed out.
----------------------------------
That being said, things are clearing up, I think.
I won't do what was done to me, what is being done to me and what (hopefully not) might be done to me unto others.
Just because someone bashes me up doesn't mean I should go around bashing others up.
Just because someone ignores me blatantly doesn't mean I should do that to others.
Just because someone takes me for granted doesn't mean I should take others for granted.
A/N: Just for the matter, I prefer EVERYTHING to have been another stupid misunderstanding that is cleared up, which could definitely lead to improved relationships, greater sensitivity to others and greater degree of self-reflection.
Stupid behavior to have. After all, the Scripture dictates that we should 'do unto others what you want others to do unto you.'
And I believe I sow what I reap. If I ignore someone right now blatantly, other people who I might consider important in the future might do the same, even if they didn't know about this matter.
If I take someone for granted, other people who I might consider important in the future will take me for granted.
Don't know about you, You, yOu and yoU, but that's my take.
An action of doing so.
Closely associated with assumption.
'I thought this was supposed to happen.' 'I thought that was suppose to occur.'
Sadly, I've fallen into that trap.
I thought I could do it.
Well, I probably still could, but it's been dozens of times since I failed.
I thought we were friends, or at least a little more comfortable with each other to show BASIC RESPECT/MANNERs.
But looks like it was wishful thinking. Again.
Really, is it just me?
I've been told several times that I'm actually more important than I thought I am. Encouraging, edifying words are always welcomed, of course, but words don't ever stop those kind of feelings and occurrences that have been prevalent for at least a dozen years, you know?
----------------------------------
No one wants others to assume who they are, what they are doing, what they are feeling etc.
So sometimes I find it strange that when one asks someone else, whether it is voiced out or kept in the heart, that they should never ever assume that they are feeling this way because it infringes on their rights and BASIC level of trust and RESPECT as a person/friend, they themselves, or rather, we ourselves do that.
We tell others to respect us and stop assuming, but we ourselves assume the worst of others.
We tell others to stop running, but we ourselves are the ones hiding and dodging.
We tell others that we hate people who don't respond, yet we ourselves ignore other people we know who come with the simplest of requests.
We warn others not to complain about us behind their backs and 'respect their/our boundaries', yet we dive into gossip without really caring how the person might feel about having his/her private issues brought to light.
We say, whether verbally or in our hearts, that other people should be sensitive to our needs and respect us, but we ourselves are insensitive.
We say that people should stop being so judgmental and look at the outside, but we ourselves look at the actions of others and immediately criticize and lump them as one category of people due to what society dictates.
I will not judge, of course, the attempts made by other people to change, because many probably have tried to change that way of thinking and they keep failing. How would I know? Simple...Those who have been in the situation should understand it better than most.
How much effort was put in, how much time was invested in it...Only the person him/herself knows, and that person gets extremely frustrated and angry when someone judges him or her because he/she has really, really tried their best.
Yet if you, You, yOu and yoU think that I am the hypocrite here, that I have no right to talk about this, look at your own actions before passing judgment.
Besides, I'm a normal human. If you don't like the way I air my grievances, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I prefer doing this than penting it all up or running away from the issue.
At least, if someone sees this, they can call dibs on me, and I can reflect on my behavior if I ever do enact any of the unsavory examples I've listed out.
----------------------------------
That being said, things are clearing up, I think.
I won't do what was done to me, what is being done to me and what (hopefully not) might be done to me unto others.
Just because someone bashes me up doesn't mean I should go around bashing others up.
Just because someone ignores me blatantly doesn't mean I should do that to others.
Just because someone takes me for granted doesn't mean I should take others for granted.
A/N: Just for the matter, I prefer EVERYTHING to have been another stupid misunderstanding that is cleared up, which could definitely lead to improved relationships, greater sensitivity to others and greater degree of self-reflection.
Stupid behavior to have. After all, the Scripture dictates that we should 'do unto others what you want others to do unto you.'
And I believe I sow what I reap. If I ignore someone right now blatantly, other people who I might consider important in the future might do the same, even if they didn't know about this matter.
If I take someone for granted, other people who I might consider important in the future will take me for granted.
Don't know about you, You, yOu and yoU, but that's my take.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 80: Battle
What does it mean to be constantly battling several things at one go, every single one of them aimed at the weakest spots you are trying to strengthen?
It's like building a brick house. You pile some cement on each brick, made a wall, then some idiot comes by with his wrecking ball a-swinging, knocks it down and mocks at you for all he's worth. You do it again, and he comes back, smile benignly, and swings it again.
It feels like forever since the bricklayer has been picking up the pieces.
Or maybe I should hire a armed guard. Shoot the snot out of the crazed wrecker. Maybe I haven't been hard enough on him. Too soft, too soft...When there is war to be waged, let there be war.
Problem is, I don't have enough resources.
Or troops.
Or weapons.
What to do? Build more smithies. Construct more mines. Make more barracks and conscript more soldiers.
Sounds very fantasy game-ish, I know, but its all in the metaphor.
Get it? (I doubt you do, but I'll give you your favorite sweet treat if you even take the effort to guess...And something a little more expensive if you guess correctly. Haha)
More importantly, I think I need more bricklayers and a tighter schedule. Perhaps even training for them is in order. However simple the job might be, it's better if one gets retrained all over again to be more efficient, right?
-------------------------
War.
Conflict.
Misunderstandings.
I hate it. I hate them all.
Yet, when some things do really happen, perhaps the King allowed it for a specific reason.
It felt like He did, and turned some of those things the bricklayer has experienced from bad to good.
Here's hoping and believing that it's going to happen again.
-------------------
Can't help but wonder if certain underlying messages were placed there for me to read, see, and evaluate.
Which I will, of course...Especially if the source is trustworthy, credible and encouraging.
But more than that, if the King's word and promise is in conflict with that, then....well, I will need to think about it all over again, won't I?
And with that, a disclaimer.
The previous blog post was not aimed at anyone in particular, but simply myself and a general group of others.
So if you are riled up and think I'm the judgmental one....Good!
Well, not good that you think I'm judgmental, because I wasn't trying to be that. It's good that you think it prickles you, because that means it definitely MEANS something to you.
And you should change. I know I was prickled by my own message, ironically.
A suggestion. No less, no more. Decision is up to you. Action is up to you.
To us.
Here's to hoping we'll all change for the better. To do more, to be more, to receive more.
Always.
It's like building a brick house. You pile some cement on each brick, made a wall, then some idiot comes by with his wrecking ball a-swinging, knocks it down and mocks at you for all he's worth. You do it again, and he comes back, smile benignly, and swings it again.
It feels like forever since the bricklayer has been picking up the pieces.
Or maybe I should hire a armed guard. Shoot the snot out of the crazed wrecker. Maybe I haven't been hard enough on him. Too soft, too soft...When there is war to be waged, let there be war.
Problem is, I don't have enough resources.
Or troops.
Or weapons.
What to do? Build more smithies. Construct more mines. Make more barracks and conscript more soldiers.
Sounds very fantasy game-ish, I know, but its all in the metaphor.
Get it? (I doubt you do, but I'll give you your favorite sweet treat if you even take the effort to guess...And something a little more expensive if you guess correctly. Haha)
More importantly, I think I need more bricklayers and a tighter schedule. Perhaps even training for them is in order. However simple the job might be, it's better if one gets retrained all over again to be more efficient, right?
-------------------------
War.
Conflict.
Misunderstandings.
I hate it. I hate them all.
Yet, when some things do really happen, perhaps the King allowed it for a specific reason.
It felt like He did, and turned some of those things the bricklayer has experienced from bad to good.
Here's hoping and believing that it's going to happen again.
-------------------
Can't help but wonder if certain underlying messages were placed there for me to read, see, and evaluate.
Which I will, of course...Especially if the source is trustworthy, credible and encouraging.
But more than that, if the King's word and promise is in conflict with that, then....well, I will need to think about it all over again, won't I?
And with that, a disclaimer.
The previous blog post was not aimed at anyone in particular, but simply myself and a general group of others.
So if you are riled up and think I'm the judgmental one....Good!
Well, not good that you think I'm judgmental, because I wasn't trying to be that. It's good that you think it prickles you, because that means it definitely MEANS something to you.
And you should change. I know I was prickled by my own message, ironically.
A suggestion. No less, no more. Decision is up to you. Action is up to you.
To us.
Here's to hoping we'll all change for the better. To do more, to be more, to receive more.
Always.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 79: Care
What makes you think I don't?
Because that's the way you think I behave?
Don't assume, friend. Don't.
Just as I'm learning and managing on not assuming the worst out of others, don't assume people know what you're feeling.
Don't be sensitive only to your own needs and insensitive to others.
Don't always assume you are right in everything, because everyone has their own flaws.
And when people attempt to correct you, instead of treating it as a 'breach of personal space, betrayal of trust and lack of respect', why not treat it as the fact that they care enough to want to see you change for the better?
Thing is, most of the time they don't get much out of it. They really don't. Asking someone else to change for the better takes courage. It risks the relationship. It goes through areas no one wants to touch or know about sometimes. It hurts.
Are you open to the advice of someone, or are you always coming up with excuses? Are you always taking others for granted just because they did not DISPLAY or SAY that they mind?
Am I like that too? Are we all like that?
I hope not....Because it is a fundamental belief of mine that everyone wants to change for the better, however little progress they have.
No matter how many times they fall and stumble, what's important is not discouragement.
However judgmental we are, I think we should stop those thoughts before they start telling us that such people are hypocritical.
What do you know? What do I know? What do WE know?
Nothing....Unless that person - or even you and I - are willing to share it. Or unless we've been through a very similar situation.
---------------------
Sometimes, we need to look back at the actions we did.
True, what I did, or perhaps what he or she did was a breach of your personal space.
But what about your actions and words? Have you ever judged yourself like you did others? Have you ever thought back whether the questions you asked were similar in nature to those that were asked of you?
Again, others treated it as something that was done out of care.
How about you? How about me? How about that young man sleeping on that chair reserved for the elderly on the MRT?
One can say he/she has his/her own thresholds and they are different.
Does that mean others don't have any thresholds at all? Or that their efforts of returning the concern in the same way you did were rebuffed as though they seemed like a nuisance?
MAKE. IT. CLEAR.
No one is a mind-reader. Not everyone can read the signs you and I give to others all the time.
I don't know if this rings a chord with you. Or you, or you. It certainly did with me when I thought and prayed about it.
And no, I'm not saying you must talk about it just with any Tom, Dick or Harry.
How about those people who you believe you can trust?
How about the people who genuinely care?
How about your good friends and family?
---------------------------
is it difficult to change? Definitely.
But no effort is in vain, even if you stumble.
Because along the way, know that there are people who care. There are people who understand, and I dare hope that one of these people will be me. Or that person you once found a nuisance and a bore, but could surprisingly be reliable in things like these.
Most importantly, He is there, ever present.
And He will help you change.
He will help me change.
He will help us all change for the better.
Because that's the way you think I behave?
Don't assume, friend. Don't.
Just as I'm learning and managing on not assuming the worst out of others, don't assume people know what you're feeling.
Don't be sensitive only to your own needs and insensitive to others.
Don't always assume you are right in everything, because everyone has their own flaws.
And when people attempt to correct you, instead of treating it as a 'breach of personal space, betrayal of trust and lack of respect', why not treat it as the fact that they care enough to want to see you change for the better?
Thing is, most of the time they don't get much out of it. They really don't. Asking someone else to change for the better takes courage. It risks the relationship. It goes through areas no one wants to touch or know about sometimes. It hurts.
Are you open to the advice of someone, or are you always coming up with excuses? Are you always taking others for granted just because they did not DISPLAY or SAY that they mind?
Am I like that too? Are we all like that?
I hope not....Because it is a fundamental belief of mine that everyone wants to change for the better, however little progress they have.
No matter how many times they fall and stumble, what's important is not discouragement.
However judgmental we are, I think we should stop those thoughts before they start telling us that such people are hypocritical.
What do you know? What do I know? What do WE know?
Nothing....Unless that person - or even you and I - are willing to share it. Or unless we've been through a very similar situation.
---------------------
Sometimes, we need to look back at the actions we did.
True, what I did, or perhaps what he or she did was a breach of your personal space.
But what about your actions and words? Have you ever judged yourself like you did others? Have you ever thought back whether the questions you asked were similar in nature to those that were asked of you?
Again, others treated it as something that was done out of care.
How about you? How about me? How about that young man sleeping on that chair reserved for the elderly on the MRT?
One can say he/she has his/her own thresholds and they are different.
Does that mean others don't have any thresholds at all? Or that their efforts of returning the concern in the same way you did were rebuffed as though they seemed like a nuisance?
MAKE. IT. CLEAR.
No one is a mind-reader. Not everyone can read the signs you and I give to others all the time.
I don't know if this rings a chord with you. Or you, or you. It certainly did with me when I thought and prayed about it.
And no, I'm not saying you must talk about it just with any Tom, Dick or Harry.
How about those people who you believe you can trust?
How about the people who genuinely care?
How about your good friends and family?
---------------------------
is it difficult to change? Definitely.
But no effort is in vain, even if you stumble.
Because along the way, know that there are people who care. There are people who understand, and I dare hope that one of these people will be me. Or that person you once found a nuisance and a bore, but could surprisingly be reliable in things like these.
Most importantly, He is there, ever present.
And He will help you change.
He will help me change.
He will help us all change for the better.
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