Something is wrong.
I can sense it.
But perhaps I'm being too presumptous. What could go wrong? Yesterday seemed like such a great day. Had good fellowship, was able to receive a good word to be meditated upon...What could go wrong?
Let's just go for the jugular.
Somewhere, somehow, it feels like my memory is fading. I suddenly can't remember certain things that were supposed to be important: When is this person's birthday? When is that person's wedding anniversary? When did I first met that person? When did i first get saved? When did I get saved again?
Perhaps there's just too much information saturation going on, that forgetting one or two of these things is normal. That's what calendars and personal diaries are for, right?
But there's an unsettling feeling I get nowadays, and sometimes I wonder if it ever pertained to the recurring dream I had about losing my memory while helping someone I care about, then waking up in a hospital bed surrounded by four walls of a sterile white, with that person sitting next to me...And I say the three dreaded words.
"....Who are you?"
Of course, it's a silly nightmare that pops up occasionally. The problem is, it has recently came up again, and at times it can seem so vivid, so real that I wonder if I really was in the hospital bed when I woke up, drenched in cold sweat, with my breath coming out in ragged gasps, my voice slightly hoarse from screaming.
The screaming has stopped, thankfully...But the dreams have not.
Is something really going to happen?
Probably not, I believe. After all, it's like worrying over something that might or might not happen in the future, something I would never know unless God decided he saw a little of Elijah in me.
Or maybe I've been reading too many stories with similar tragic scenarios, where the male protagonist had just got out of a slump, entered into a period of contentment and joy, taking the first baby steps to becoming a better person, to having a closer relationship with the people he wanted to...
Then BAM. Tries to save mother/sister/brother/father/lover/crush and gets hit by a car, or gets into a vicious fight, then loses his memory.
I'm more sensitive than most, of course, so I really feel for this guy, so much that I would shed a few tears. It's almost like dangling happiness in front of him and just as he's able to reach it, it gets snatched away from him cruelly.
But yesterday, there's this talk about recognizing God's providential activity.
Perhaps if I could do that, then things won't turn out so bad after all. Or rather, whatever I perceived to be things that are unsettling are actually put in place so that I can watch myself.
Make sure I'm sticking to my core values and purposes in life.
Make sure that I'm always doing what I need to do.
Make sure that I stay true to myself and my feelings.
Then perhaps, the me on that bed would only lose my memory for but a few weeks or months, enough time for me to have a clean slate of mind and be renewed all over again.
-----------------------
So tired.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason.
I definitely have enough blood in my body right now, after the donation drive. Slept a little earlier than usual yesterday too.
Yet, why so tired? Haven't been able to find work, nor have I been really busy with other things.
I think I need a break from my usual routine. Break out of the mould. Start practising and practising and stop the Facebook activities. Start writing too.
I don't know...But ultiimately, it is He who is in control, so I'm not too worried...I think.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 41: White Reflection
Recently, I've been doing some bits and pieces of reflection. Again.
It's not because I have too much time on my hands (or maybe its precisely because of that, something that I'll elaborate later), or that I hate to socialise and keep myself in my own world. I just feel that reflection is a necessary part of growing up and growing out.
That's what history lessons are for. Why the heck are we taking those lessons that could probably have been drier than those bones in the valley? Simple: Because we want to stop repeating the mistakes we committed. Or do things better the next time. Or simply make sure we get things right.
It's almost like a walkthrough of sorts, as long as we pay attention to what transpired.
It's been an interesting journey, to say the least...Ever since entering church again (Did I tell you that I backslided, or maybe you just weren't paying attention? Not your fault though. =P), it felt like my horizons expanded so much.
Putting spiritual things aside - lest some of you out there think I'm getting flaky -, what happened is that church allowed me to start speaking so much more to others. The contemporary yet spiritual, spiritual yet knowledgeable and knowledgeable yet humble people astounded and shamed me. It made me realise how arrogant and how much of a frog I was in that well.
There were more struggles too, though ultimately they have become challenges or trials to me now. Frustration, bitterness, anger, loneliness, disappointment, guilt...some of those things were what I have dealt and still am dealing with, though in a more positive manner this time.
Of course, it's not just all pain and no gain. While thinking back about how I would have communicated with people while on the bus today, I realised that I would never have been able to speak to friends so quickly and to younger people so easily. I realised that I would never have attempted to volunteer to do things so readily.
Yes, several months just to initiate and attempt to continue conversation may seem laughable even to a seven year-old nowadays. Yes, it might be weird for that other believer who simply loves to feel younger when speaking to younger people. Yes, it seems terribly slow for someone who always volunteers for the next blood donation drive whenever he can.
But for me, at my pace and according to what had formed my crackpot personality so many years back, it's a vast improvement.
Thing is, compared to last time, I also can't wait to change faster. I can't wait to get rid of that baggage of old personality faults. I can't wait to be able to make friends so quickly like some of the people I know in church - being able to gel in just a matter of weeks or 1-2 months and feel comfortable around each other. I can't wait to be able to speak clearer, loudly, eloquently. I can't wait to be able to do things confidently, passionately, proudly. I can't wait to declare that my love for people and for God is really real, without any pretense, without any hesitation.
Progress really seems so slow at times, I wonder if I would ever be able to fulfill my dreams and hopes until I'm an old coot, ranting and raving about sore knees and noisy young 'uns.
But again, compared to last time, at least the progress could be seen. Even if it was slower than most people.
In essence, I'm slowly beginning to understand why some people don't understand that I feel the way I feel at times.
And more than ever, I'm always, always grateful for words of affirmation and encouragement. Like today. Even if my horribly spastic facial muscles don't help in showing my gratitude and happiness, let me express it in words over here (hopefully you all are reading this!! =D)
Running a lone race,
Moving at a snail's pace,
Frustration sets in.
Wondering about the promises,
Questioning the causes,
Oh, so much more it could have been!
But even as heart fail,
Even as feet wish to bail,
And the smile comes out in a painful grin,
There in the stands,
At the very two ends,
You...And you were seen.
"Fight on!" you shout,
"Get on up and about!"
Cheering and waving, so very keen.
And suddenly I found strength,
Abruptly my feet strided lengths,
Because I knew what those words mean.
However small your voice,
Whatever the words of your choice,
It gave me the vigor of a teen.
Thank you.
-------------------
Again, things are troubling me. Again, I feel like sometimes I really wish I could talk, smile, joke and laugh so freely with you...and you, and you and you and you all over again. Again, I wish I could feel less stiff and just be so very much natural without giving a hoot about what others think of me. Without always worrying if what I said was too offensive or too direct.
Have a nice back and forth banter when we are in a group or when we are alone. A jibe here, a tease there. A poke here, a punch there...Stuff like that. I only wish that were really so. Without pretense. Without awkwardness.
Or maybe I just really need to work on my skills. Learning's a never-ending journey after all.
Or maybe I just need to be more patient! Wait for it, and wait for it and wait for it, all the while improving as much as I can.
And perhaps if I have greater hope still, maybe the breakthrough(s) will come as God ordains it.
And he's probably preparing it/them for me, as well as preparing me for it/them. After all, I did pray for patience, and right now I'm really facing all kinds of irritation, inactivity and other whatnot that stretches my patience to the max and more still.
So....Yeah. Just need to focus.
--------------------
Speaking of focus, and of pure, white reflections, I recently found that perhaps I am indeed talented...Just that I have completely no focus or concentration...As the playing of the guitar today would have indicated.
Good at badminton. Never really focused on technique. Good at writing. Never really focused on consistency and structure. Good (?) at praying. Never really went deep a lot of times. Good at reading. Never was able to grasp the key points properly. Good at piano. Never really could play a proper song without making a mistake.
That's what separates the good from the best, eh? Concentration, focus and consistency...All of which I have none at the moment.
Oh well...Gotta keep trying. Gotta keep practising.
And most importantly, keep that promise.
Jiayou, Exel Goh!
It's not because I have too much time on my hands (or maybe its precisely because of that, something that I'll elaborate later), or that I hate to socialise and keep myself in my own world. I just feel that reflection is a necessary part of growing up and growing out.
That's what history lessons are for. Why the heck are we taking those lessons that could probably have been drier than those bones in the valley? Simple: Because we want to stop repeating the mistakes we committed. Or do things better the next time. Or simply make sure we get things right.
It's almost like a walkthrough of sorts, as long as we pay attention to what transpired.
It's been an interesting journey, to say the least...Ever since entering church again (Did I tell you that I backslided, or maybe you just weren't paying attention? Not your fault though. =P), it felt like my horizons expanded so much.
Putting spiritual things aside - lest some of you out there think I'm getting flaky -, what happened is that church allowed me to start speaking so much more to others. The contemporary yet spiritual, spiritual yet knowledgeable and knowledgeable yet humble people astounded and shamed me. It made me realise how arrogant and how much of a frog I was in that well.
There were more struggles too, though ultimately they have become challenges or trials to me now. Frustration, bitterness, anger, loneliness, disappointment, guilt...some of those things were what I have dealt and still am dealing with, though in a more positive manner this time.
Of course, it's not just all pain and no gain. While thinking back about how I would have communicated with people while on the bus today, I realised that I would never have been able to speak to friends so quickly and to younger people so easily. I realised that I would never have attempted to volunteer to do things so readily.
Yes, several months just to initiate and attempt to continue conversation may seem laughable even to a seven year-old nowadays. Yes, it might be weird for that other believer who simply loves to feel younger when speaking to younger people. Yes, it seems terribly slow for someone who always volunteers for the next blood donation drive whenever he can.
But for me, at my pace and according to what had formed my crackpot personality so many years back, it's a vast improvement.
Thing is, compared to last time, I also can't wait to change faster. I can't wait to get rid of that baggage of old personality faults. I can't wait to be able to make friends so quickly like some of the people I know in church - being able to gel in just a matter of weeks or 1-2 months and feel comfortable around each other. I can't wait to be able to speak clearer, loudly, eloquently. I can't wait to be able to do things confidently, passionately, proudly. I can't wait to declare that my love for people and for God is really real, without any pretense, without any hesitation.
Progress really seems so slow at times, I wonder if I would ever be able to fulfill my dreams and hopes until I'm an old coot, ranting and raving about sore knees and noisy young 'uns.
But again, compared to last time, at least the progress could be seen. Even if it was slower than most people.
In essence, I'm slowly beginning to understand why some people don't understand that I feel the way I feel at times.
And more than ever, I'm always, always grateful for words of affirmation and encouragement. Like today. Even if my horribly spastic facial muscles don't help in showing my gratitude and happiness, let me express it in words over here (hopefully you all are reading this!! =D)
Running a lone race,
Moving at a snail's pace,
Frustration sets in.
Wondering about the promises,
Questioning the causes,
Oh, so much more it could have been!
But even as heart fail,
Even as feet wish to bail,
And the smile comes out in a painful grin,
There in the stands,
At the very two ends,
You...And you were seen.
"Fight on!" you shout,
"Get on up and about!"
Cheering and waving, so very keen.
And suddenly I found strength,
Abruptly my feet strided lengths,
Because I knew what those words mean.
However small your voice,
Whatever the words of your choice,
It gave me the vigor of a teen.
Thank you.
-------------------
Again, things are troubling me. Again, I feel like sometimes I really wish I could talk, smile, joke and laugh so freely with you...and you, and you and you and you all over again. Again, I wish I could feel less stiff and just be so very much natural without giving a hoot about what others think of me. Without always worrying if what I said was too offensive or too direct.
Have a nice back and forth banter when we are in a group or when we are alone. A jibe here, a tease there. A poke here, a punch there...Stuff like that. I only wish that were really so. Without pretense. Without awkwardness.
Or maybe I just really need to work on my skills. Learning's a never-ending journey after all.
Or maybe I just need to be more patient! Wait for it, and wait for it and wait for it, all the while improving as much as I can.
And perhaps if I have greater hope still, maybe the breakthrough(s) will come as God ordains it.
And he's probably preparing it/them for me, as well as preparing me for it/them. After all, I did pray for patience, and right now I'm really facing all kinds of irritation, inactivity and other whatnot that stretches my patience to the max and more still.
So....Yeah. Just need to focus.
--------------------
Speaking of focus, and of pure, white reflections, I recently found that perhaps I am indeed talented...Just that I have completely no focus or concentration...As the playing of the guitar today would have indicated.
Good at badminton. Never really focused on technique. Good at writing. Never really focused on consistency and structure. Good (?) at praying. Never really went deep a lot of times. Good at reading. Never was able to grasp the key points properly. Good at piano. Never really could play a proper song without making a mistake.
That's what separates the good from the best, eh? Concentration, focus and consistency...All of which I have none at the moment.
Oh well...Gotta keep trying. Gotta keep practising.
And most importantly, keep that promise.
Jiayou, Exel Goh!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 40: Blood
Can mean so many things.
For example, the deep red crimson you see that spreads out rapidly on the carpeted floor beneath a body means a murder has took place.
It can mean that there's danger, especially if one sees a place that's splattered with lots of it all over. Or it can mean that a slaughter, mayhap done in a wild fit of insanity that even beasts would flee from, had taken place.
While blood can be interpreted as fear, as loss of life, as horror (yes, the classical and 'real' vampires, not your shiny skin, drool-worthy parasitic hunks), it can also be explained as symbolising life, sacrifice, passion, even love.
Perhaps that's a little poetic, but think about it. What's that flowing in our veins? If it represents loss of life when it flows out of your body, doesn't that mean it represents life as well?
Sacrifice...Not the bloody Aztec sacrifices to their gods, but more of using that blood to save a life...As Jesus Christ did on the cross. As blood donors willingly give part of what they have to help others - something I did today.
Passion. Do we not call very passionate people 'hot-blooded'? That it's because they are full of hope and vigor, that (theoretically and practically speaking) the blood flows faster?
Love. Wasn't it Jesus' blood that cleansed us? That he died for us in order to bridge the gap? Weren't you born with the nutrients carried by the bloodstream of your mothers?
This may sound cockneyed, but feel free to interpret them in any way you like and throw me a counterargument. You're always welcome to do so anytime.
Interestingly, I never thought about this as I went to the blood donation drive today. All I thought about was how interesting, how fun it could be. It was only when I was squeezing that miniature heart that helped me pump the blood out did I realise that I could very well be saving someone else's life with the 'fun' and 'interesting' activity I was looking forward to.
Not to say that it isn't fun and interesting, or that it being fun or interesting is the closest thing one could go to blasphemy, but that's perhaps one of the deeper meanings of an otherwise normal and almost painless activity. A talk with my friends who went down with me also contributed to this insight, that every pack, every drop within that pack...It contributes.
----------------------
Just celebrated a belated birthday again today...With my new usher group!
I was really surprised, though it was more pleasant than anything. Seeing all the new faces, reading a new book about conversations, then reflecting upon the sermon from Pastor Kong...It made me realise how little I had done to build relationships, and how little actions I could have done might have well contributed to my efforts in attempting to make more friends and be more of a cheerful and intellectual person.
Herein lies the dilemma: I know I've been doing my best, but perhaps that isn't sufficient. Perhaps I need to up the level somehow and break through yet another ceiling.
But there's no rush. As the saying goes, 'haste makes waste'. Hastily constructed efforts to do things like this will only result in the sudden collapse and demise of the entire project itself, without even needing the wrecking ball of circumstances and obstacles to hinder you from building up a grand plaza of networks, friendships and love.
So maybe, just one inch a day. Just one centimetre a day. Maybe that would be sufficient. Just a little improvement, then take some joy in it, yet knowing that you can do better the next time every time you get one step closer to your goal.
-----------------------------
Things happen. Abruptly. Somehow you can't help but worry.
But I decided not to, and just go ahead and do whatever I can, for worrying doesn't add one more day to your time. I'll just keep remaining cheerful, keep remaining true to myself as much as I can and keep doing all I can to carry the presence of the Lord, which brings joy and peace and love for all that it's worth. (Hey, that rhymes! Sorta....)
I'm not looking at seconds, minutes, hours or even days before things can change or happen, though. I'm probably looking at weeks, months, and possibly years (Hopefully nothing more than a decade!!!) before things can happen.
It's not just the things I'm praying for or hoping for right now, but also for my dreams and aspirations. Ever since sealing part of 'that' off, it's getting a little difficult, but thank God that I feel like I'm acting more naturally and being more true to myself.
You know, life really is like a rollercoaster. There's always ups and downs, and sometimes you feel so sick of it that you just want to puke, get off the darn ride and take a break.
We could all do that once in a while, actually. Take a break. But at least God's here, and he's both in that seat next to us as well as in the control box. If things get too fast, somehow he'll try to slow us down. If things are too slow, he'll help us speed it up a little.
And if you scream in fear and pain, God hears it. He feels it, because he's just right beside. Yet if you whoop with happiness and weep in joy, he's also there. Through our good and bad times, through the weddings and funerals, through birth and death, through love and heartache...
Let's believe he's always there.
For example, the deep red crimson you see that spreads out rapidly on the carpeted floor beneath a body means a murder has took place.
It can mean that there's danger, especially if one sees a place that's splattered with lots of it all over. Or it can mean that a slaughter, mayhap done in a wild fit of insanity that even beasts would flee from, had taken place.
While blood can be interpreted as fear, as loss of life, as horror (yes, the classical and 'real' vampires, not your shiny skin, drool-worthy parasitic hunks), it can also be explained as symbolising life, sacrifice, passion, even love.
Perhaps that's a little poetic, but think about it. What's that flowing in our veins? If it represents loss of life when it flows out of your body, doesn't that mean it represents life as well?
Sacrifice...Not the bloody Aztec sacrifices to their gods, but more of using that blood to save a life...As Jesus Christ did on the cross. As blood donors willingly give part of what they have to help others - something I did today.
Passion. Do we not call very passionate people 'hot-blooded'? That it's because they are full of hope and vigor, that (theoretically and practically speaking) the blood flows faster?
Love. Wasn't it Jesus' blood that cleansed us? That he died for us in order to bridge the gap? Weren't you born with the nutrients carried by the bloodstream of your mothers?
This may sound cockneyed, but feel free to interpret them in any way you like and throw me a counterargument. You're always welcome to do so anytime.
Interestingly, I never thought about this as I went to the blood donation drive today. All I thought about was how interesting, how fun it could be. It was only when I was squeezing that miniature heart that helped me pump the blood out did I realise that I could very well be saving someone else's life with the 'fun' and 'interesting' activity I was looking forward to.
Not to say that it isn't fun and interesting, or that it being fun or interesting is the closest thing one could go to blasphemy, but that's perhaps one of the deeper meanings of an otherwise normal and almost painless activity. A talk with my friends who went down with me also contributed to this insight, that every pack, every drop within that pack...It contributes.
----------------------
Just celebrated a belated birthday again today...With my new usher group!
I was really surprised, though it was more pleasant than anything. Seeing all the new faces, reading a new book about conversations, then reflecting upon the sermon from Pastor Kong...It made me realise how little I had done to build relationships, and how little actions I could have done might have well contributed to my efforts in attempting to make more friends and be more of a cheerful and intellectual person.
Herein lies the dilemma: I know I've been doing my best, but perhaps that isn't sufficient. Perhaps I need to up the level somehow and break through yet another ceiling.
But there's no rush. As the saying goes, 'haste makes waste'. Hastily constructed efforts to do things like this will only result in the sudden collapse and demise of the entire project itself, without even needing the wrecking ball of circumstances and obstacles to hinder you from building up a grand plaza of networks, friendships and love.
So maybe, just one inch a day. Just one centimetre a day. Maybe that would be sufficient. Just a little improvement, then take some joy in it, yet knowing that you can do better the next time every time you get one step closer to your goal.
-----------------------------
Things happen. Abruptly. Somehow you can't help but worry.
But I decided not to, and just go ahead and do whatever I can, for worrying doesn't add one more day to your time. I'll just keep remaining cheerful, keep remaining true to myself as much as I can and keep doing all I can to carry the presence of the Lord, which brings joy and peace and love for all that it's worth. (Hey, that rhymes! Sorta....)
I'm not looking at seconds, minutes, hours or even days before things can change or happen, though. I'm probably looking at weeks, months, and possibly years (Hopefully nothing more than a decade!!!) before things can happen.
It's not just the things I'm praying for or hoping for right now, but also for my dreams and aspirations. Ever since sealing part of 'that' off, it's getting a little difficult, but thank God that I feel like I'm acting more naturally and being more true to myself.
You know, life really is like a rollercoaster. There's always ups and downs, and sometimes you feel so sick of it that you just want to puke, get off the darn ride and take a break.
We could all do that once in a while, actually. Take a break. But at least God's here, and he's both in that seat next to us as well as in the control box. If things get too fast, somehow he'll try to slow us down. If things are too slow, he'll help us speed it up a little.
And if you scream in fear and pain, God hears it. He feels it, because he's just right beside. Yet if you whoop with happiness and weep in joy, he's also there. Through our good and bad times, through the weddings and funerals, through birth and death, through love and heartache...
Let's believe he's always there.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 39: Never rarely did so happily
Random title, I know, but I don't really care. Gotta let my brain juices flow once in a while in that direction, yeah?
Never thought I would say this, but it felt like God's presence has truly, truly defied the law of physics. In fact, 'defy' wouldn't even be the right word. 'Supercede' sounds more apt in this case.
Just earlier, the rollercoaster was on a downward slope. It felt like I was falling, falling....Even though I knew there was a point that the upslope was coming, it felt like gravity is stopping it. It felt like the steepness of the slope was making things difficult for the cars, where we need to trudge up bit by bit before reaching the highest point. It felt like I was making a hopeless journey, clawing my way back up rather than traveling on a smooth route to the destination, or even waypoint I was looking forward to.
But all of a sudden, the screeching stopped. The slope suddenly seemed a little less steep, then there was little resistance, and the buoyant feeling suddenly takes over all the senses that had been dulled by the sudden rush of blood to your brain, lifting up your spirits as you glance towards that milestone in the distance, or that checkpoint which signaled a break from that up and down madness you recently or even constantly found yourself in.
And today, it really felt like I had reached a checkpoint.
Pastor Kong came back. HE. CAME. BACK.
It's just so strange, that for all the negative news, all the bad things that people were talking about on the Net about the church, about him, about Sun...Yet the moment he was being introduced to come up on stage, I never felt happier.
Part of the more spontaneous me wanted to just run up and give him a great hug, but that was obviously out of the question because firstly, that would be something we called 'madness'. Secondly, I was seated some way behind.
It was really amazing, how everyone stood up. How suddenly joy flooded through the place. How smiles appeared on the faces on people who had a dour look on their faces as though a grand magic trick had taken place.
Simply put, it was simply amazing to see all (or at least most) people so happy, so excited, so supportive even though the common sense taught by pragmatism would warn us to stay away.
But no, the joy of his presence in the place flooded over that and people started clapping, paying attention more than ever before as though this was the happiest thing to ever happen.
But even then, perhaps voices appeared in the heads of others like it did in mine. "Who are you really clapping for? Are you sure he isn't what the media makes him out to be? Are you worshipping the person rather than the God who's behind him?"
But the dismissal was as swift as the referee gives the player after seeing that one player punching his opponent in the face in front of him. Perhaps it's something the deeper core of pragmatism or legalism has trouble understanding, that it is not idolatry, nor is it a group mentality.
It is love.
Before you start screwing your faces up, raising your eyebrows or snorting derisively, I'm saying that with all seriousness. It's love. Something like the love you have for a friend who isn't close, but feels like he has done so, so much for you. The love you have for the father you don't really talk to, yet knows that he really cares. The love that cannot be explained by Master's Theses or rational ideas or the materialistic mindset.
I don't understand it either, why I was smiling, why I was so happy that he's back, but that's just how I feel, and more often than not one can never rationalise - even though you could always control - emotions.
And I believe the dismissals came swiftly for most people too, perhaps some even with a swat by the imaginary hand at the annoying fly of doubts buzzing about their ears. All done while smiling and clapping and cheering.
So glad that he's back. Really.
Besides that, things started to look up. I don't know why, but it suddenly feels like the heaviness I feel whenever I wake up seemed to...disappear, or at least lighten. A lot.
Perhaps it had something to do with decisions I made, the resolutions I wanted to fulfill, and the urgency of wanting to fulfill a promise I made.
But nowadays, every new day is a good new day. Every interaction, no matter how seemingly monotonous or boring or normal as it may seem, has something good in it.
Count not the chickens that haven't been hatched, but the increasing number of cracks on the egg shells every consecutive minute.
You know, things aren't rosy all the time. That I know...And complaints will probably be heard, or perhaps - God forbid - the posts filled with anger might appear, but they are hopefully becoming more endangered soon, because joy and encouragement are rigorous hunters who know no limits at times, preferring to clear the forests in your mind of all game that serve only to bring you down the second something bad happens.
---------------
Sometimes, things are really not what they seem.
Should have known this a long time ago, but the things right in front of you can suddenly seem so huge, so large that it becomes a maze with tall walls - you don't know which way to turn, and you can't see over the barriers to look at how others are doing. Sometimes you hit dead ends immediately. Sometimes a new turn, an unfamiliar route gives you hope, but suddenly it just leads to yet another dead end and you have to turn dejectedly away.
Maybe I need to learn how to wield a hammer large enough to break those walls, or even just a drill would be enough - create a hole large enough for me to see what others are experiencing, making that effort rather than just be stuck in my own situation and look at nothing else.
Perhaps that would gain me a greater, more encompassing perspective of things. After all, it would really be great if I could understand a little more, and bless others in the future, especially those who happen to be in the same situation, no?
Never thought I would say this, but it felt like God's presence has truly, truly defied the law of physics. In fact, 'defy' wouldn't even be the right word. 'Supercede' sounds more apt in this case.
Just earlier, the rollercoaster was on a downward slope. It felt like I was falling, falling....Even though I knew there was a point that the upslope was coming, it felt like gravity is stopping it. It felt like the steepness of the slope was making things difficult for the cars, where we need to trudge up bit by bit before reaching the highest point. It felt like I was making a hopeless journey, clawing my way back up rather than traveling on a smooth route to the destination, or even waypoint I was looking forward to.
But all of a sudden, the screeching stopped. The slope suddenly seemed a little less steep, then there was little resistance, and the buoyant feeling suddenly takes over all the senses that had been dulled by the sudden rush of blood to your brain, lifting up your spirits as you glance towards that milestone in the distance, or that checkpoint which signaled a break from that up and down madness you recently or even constantly found yourself in.
And today, it really felt like I had reached a checkpoint.
Pastor Kong came back. HE. CAME. BACK.
It's just so strange, that for all the negative news, all the bad things that people were talking about on the Net about the church, about him, about Sun...Yet the moment he was being introduced to come up on stage, I never felt happier.
Part of the more spontaneous me wanted to just run up and give him a great hug, but that was obviously out of the question because firstly, that would be something we called 'madness'. Secondly, I was seated some way behind.
It was really amazing, how everyone stood up. How suddenly joy flooded through the place. How smiles appeared on the faces on people who had a dour look on their faces as though a grand magic trick had taken place.
Simply put, it was simply amazing to see all (or at least most) people so happy, so excited, so supportive even though the common sense taught by pragmatism would warn us to stay away.
But no, the joy of his presence in the place flooded over that and people started clapping, paying attention more than ever before as though this was the happiest thing to ever happen.
But even then, perhaps voices appeared in the heads of others like it did in mine. "Who are you really clapping for? Are you sure he isn't what the media makes him out to be? Are you worshipping the person rather than the God who's behind him?"
But the dismissal was as swift as the referee gives the player after seeing that one player punching his opponent in the face in front of him. Perhaps it's something the deeper core of pragmatism or legalism has trouble understanding, that it is not idolatry, nor is it a group mentality.
It is love.
Before you start screwing your faces up, raising your eyebrows or snorting derisively, I'm saying that with all seriousness. It's love. Something like the love you have for a friend who isn't close, but feels like he has done so, so much for you. The love you have for the father you don't really talk to, yet knows that he really cares. The love that cannot be explained by Master's Theses or rational ideas or the materialistic mindset.
I don't understand it either, why I was smiling, why I was so happy that he's back, but that's just how I feel, and more often than not one can never rationalise - even though you could always control - emotions.
And I believe the dismissals came swiftly for most people too, perhaps some even with a swat by the imaginary hand at the annoying fly of doubts buzzing about their ears. All done while smiling and clapping and cheering.
So glad that he's back. Really.
Besides that, things started to look up. I don't know why, but it suddenly feels like the heaviness I feel whenever I wake up seemed to...disappear, or at least lighten. A lot.
Perhaps it had something to do with decisions I made, the resolutions I wanted to fulfill, and the urgency of wanting to fulfill a promise I made.
But nowadays, every new day is a good new day. Every interaction, no matter how seemingly monotonous or boring or normal as it may seem, has something good in it.
Count not the chickens that haven't been hatched, but the increasing number of cracks on the egg shells every consecutive minute.
You know, things aren't rosy all the time. That I know...And complaints will probably be heard, or perhaps - God forbid - the posts filled with anger might appear, but they are hopefully becoming more endangered soon, because joy and encouragement are rigorous hunters who know no limits at times, preferring to clear the forests in your mind of all game that serve only to bring you down the second something bad happens.
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Sometimes, things are really not what they seem.
Should have known this a long time ago, but the things right in front of you can suddenly seem so huge, so large that it becomes a maze with tall walls - you don't know which way to turn, and you can't see over the barriers to look at how others are doing. Sometimes you hit dead ends immediately. Sometimes a new turn, an unfamiliar route gives you hope, but suddenly it just leads to yet another dead end and you have to turn dejectedly away.
Maybe I need to learn how to wield a hammer large enough to break those walls, or even just a drill would be enough - create a hole large enough for me to see what others are experiencing, making that effort rather than just be stuck in my own situation and look at nothing else.
Perhaps that would gain me a greater, more encompassing perspective of things. After all, it would really be great if I could understand a little more, and bless others in the future, especially those who happen to be in the same situation, no?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 38: Re - Morse and Solve.
I have this knack of ending up feeling like an idiot after doing something without really processing it through my brain.
Maybe that's just the teenager in me. The impetuous youth inside my heart that has been kept inside for certain purposes. I just used them at the wrong one.
Not going to delete the post though, no matter how accusatory, critical or bad it sounds. I feel that it's part of being true to myself - Those where my feelings at that time, and they shall remain as such. Both as a reminder to myself about the lousy habit of going off on a negative tangent by myself and also as something to consider when I meet people who faced the same kind of problems - I might be able to help them.
Being proven wrong can be a very annoying thing, or it can be very humbling and enlightening.
For one thing, I'm glad that I was proven wrong by God. Strangely enough, somehow I managed to make a few new friends (or acquaintances, rather, since we don't know each other that well) in the Central food court. All it took was a few stares, one stare back, a compliment on the shirt and the way I carried myself, and I got drawn into the conversation.
And meeting with people from church, I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but move automatically to help, even though I was seemingly adamantant on being a recluse just for today.
But God would have none of it, I guess. A few sentences, some encouraging words, a sense of duty, a steely determination, and there it was. Again, I didn't realise it until I got onto the MRT train on the way back.
Man, I think I'm starting to love these trains.
Come to think of it, Pst Jeremy is right. Perhaps I've been lacking in humor, so cooped up with the idea of having to grow up fast fast and take up more responsibilities that I turned dour again. A friend mentioned to me that I looked like the 'serious, no-nonsense' type of person, and that woke up the second time.
And really, I think I need to ask myself this, as do you, as do everyone else: Are we enjoying ourselves while serving and helping others? Are we laughing at our own misfortunes earnestly, like it was the funniest thing to ever happen? Are we making jokes out of things that should bring our moods down?
Laughter really is one of the best medicines ever made. Too bad there isn't a Nobel prize for the one who invented it. I'd probably rank him above Louis Pasteur and Marie Curie. (Don't know who they are? Google!!! )
Ultimately, it boils down to resolve too. A resolve to make a decision that lasts and to keep talking and keep talking. In the process of all that happened, I think I haven't been entirely true or natural at all, despite what I thought before this.
Perhaps it really is time to make that decision to start acting/behaving as I know how, as the Goh Tsoon Liang Exel I'm most comfortable with rather than hiding behind fundamental niceties and useless insecurities.
Do I still lonely? I think I still do, but hopefully that will pass. Just gonna brush it aside and act as I should, be it as a clown, a guy who isn't acting all 23 years of his age or just someone that can be totally random, but hopefully fun to be with.
Well, it was a good day today. I pray that I can maintain this momentum together with the Lord, and experience an even better day tomorrow.
Yowzah.
Maybe that's just the teenager in me. The impetuous youth inside my heart that has been kept inside for certain purposes. I just used them at the wrong one.
Not going to delete the post though, no matter how accusatory, critical or bad it sounds. I feel that it's part of being true to myself - Those where my feelings at that time, and they shall remain as such. Both as a reminder to myself about the lousy habit of going off on a negative tangent by myself and also as something to consider when I meet people who faced the same kind of problems - I might be able to help them.
Being proven wrong can be a very annoying thing, or it can be very humbling and enlightening.
For one thing, I'm glad that I was proven wrong by God. Strangely enough, somehow I managed to make a few new friends (or acquaintances, rather, since we don't know each other that well) in the Central food court. All it took was a few stares, one stare back, a compliment on the shirt and the way I carried myself, and I got drawn into the conversation.
And meeting with people from church, I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but move automatically to help, even though I was seemingly adamantant on being a recluse just for today.
But God would have none of it, I guess. A few sentences, some encouraging words, a sense of duty, a steely determination, and there it was. Again, I didn't realise it until I got onto the MRT train on the way back.
Man, I think I'm starting to love these trains.
Come to think of it, Pst Jeremy is right. Perhaps I've been lacking in humor, so cooped up with the idea of having to grow up fast fast and take up more responsibilities that I turned dour again. A friend mentioned to me that I looked like the 'serious, no-nonsense' type of person, and that woke up the second time.
And really, I think I need to ask myself this, as do you, as do everyone else: Are we enjoying ourselves while serving and helping others? Are we laughing at our own misfortunes earnestly, like it was the funniest thing to ever happen? Are we making jokes out of things that should bring our moods down?
Laughter really is one of the best medicines ever made. Too bad there isn't a Nobel prize for the one who invented it. I'd probably rank him above Louis Pasteur and Marie Curie. (Don't know who they are? Google!!! )
Ultimately, it boils down to resolve too. A resolve to make a decision that lasts and to keep talking and keep talking. In the process of all that happened, I think I haven't been entirely true or natural at all, despite what I thought before this.
Perhaps it really is time to make that decision to start acting/behaving as I know how, as the Goh Tsoon Liang Exel I'm most comfortable with rather than hiding behind fundamental niceties and useless insecurities.
Do I still lonely? I think I still do, but hopefully that will pass. Just gonna brush it aside and act as I should, be it as a clown, a guy who isn't acting all 23 years of his age or just someone that can be totally random, but hopefully fun to be with.
Well, it was a good day today. I pray that I can maintain this momentum together with the Lord, and experience an even better day tomorrow.
Yowzah.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, chapter 37: Sick and Tired - Boiling point
It's okay to feel like that once in a while, right?
Not literally sick as in ill with some debiliating condition, but as in figuratively sick. And tired.
Of having no results, of not seeing them...Of always doubting myself.
Of not changing at all even though I try.
Of going up and down and round and round.
You know, it really would be swell if things can go right for me for a longer period of time - say, two weeks, at the maximum? Doesn't have to be perfect till I can do no wrong, or I'm suddenly a saint, or I suddenly receive so much blessing that my storehouse literally could not contain.
But hey, is that being too selfish or impatient? After all, many people waited dozens of years before being able to see their dreams or desires come to pass. Besides, the fulfillment of either might see another's shattered.
Is that too much to ask for?
So many things I want to say that I'm sick and tired of, but that's the problem with blogging. You don't know who's reading (or in this case, NOT reading) and who's making notes. One wrong word written could send the worst kind of impression to others. To tell the truth, I'm considering shutting this whole thing down because (1) It gives others the wrong impression and (2) No one's really reading or commenting on it.
Or should I really say how I feel about certain things and shock the nerves out of everyone who thought they knew me, even my own family?
Now that would be something to see.
But no....I think I'll just put everything aside right now. Every single dream, desire, love, want, need, aspiration, doubt, fear, issue.
Because later I'm going to praise and worship God.
And I'm not going to do that just because it's a sacrifice. I'm going to do it just because I feel like it.
Yes, even though when I try to be true to myself, apparently people don't like it or don't care, but what the heck, that's who I am.
I'm not cheery all the time, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not humorous, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not confident (yet), though I'm trying to change.
In the midst of changing, if I offended or put off anyone....Too bad, I guess, even though all I wanted was to feel like part of the group or family. Have someone ask me "How's your day?" for once, instead of always being called upon or always taking the initiative to ask that.
Have someone ask me "Hey, what do you like to do?" Or even say mundane things like "Oh, that's a nice shirt! Where did you get it?" Or "Have you heard the news about this and that? Did you watch the World Cup? Which team do you support?" Maybe even "Hey, we're eating dinner later. Wanna join us? Don't think we have forgotten you!"
I'm sorry if that was a wrong assumption of even if it hits the bulls-eye, but the impression I get is that no one's interested in me. In what I have to say. In who I am. If you want to lambast me for that, fine. Go ahead. Just DON'T JUDGE ME BY YOUR STANDARDS OR ANYONE ELSE'S, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MADE A DECISION TO DO WHAT I CAN. IF I CAN'T SEE RESULTS, I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD KEEP BLAMING MYSELF.
....Phew, that did it. I feel so much freer now. Was there anger up there? Yes, most of it, released. Am I being childish? I don't think so. Even though I'm supposed to be matured and stable and all that, please remember that I had been in social Siberia for quite a number of years. There are things you don't know because YOU DON'T ASK, so please don't act so surprised when you suddenly hear that I have certain issues going on.
Well, at least God can see me through. He's the only one that's really faithful.
But as I said, everything aside. I'll do all that I can to praise and worship God, listen to his word, be ministered to et cetera.
Because I know even if it feels like I don't ever belong in the world, in any place, in any time, in any group, or that I'll always feel alone in terms of friendship and love, at least God loves me.
And maybe that's all I should ever need.
Not literally sick as in ill with some debiliating condition, but as in figuratively sick. And tired.
Of having no results, of not seeing them...Of always doubting myself.
Of not changing at all even though I try.
Of going up and down and round and round.
You know, it really would be swell if things can go right for me for a longer period of time - say, two weeks, at the maximum? Doesn't have to be perfect till I can do no wrong, or I'm suddenly a saint, or I suddenly receive so much blessing that my storehouse literally could not contain.
But hey, is that being too selfish or impatient? After all, many people waited dozens of years before being able to see their dreams or desires come to pass. Besides, the fulfillment of either might see another's shattered.
Is that too much to ask for?
So many things I want to say that I'm sick and tired of, but that's the problem with blogging. You don't know who's reading (or in this case, NOT reading) and who's making notes. One wrong word written could send the worst kind of impression to others. To tell the truth, I'm considering shutting this whole thing down because (1) It gives others the wrong impression and (2) No one's really reading or commenting on it.
Or should I really say how I feel about certain things and shock the nerves out of everyone who thought they knew me, even my own family?
Now that would be something to see.
But no....I think I'll just put everything aside right now. Every single dream, desire, love, want, need, aspiration, doubt, fear, issue.
Because later I'm going to praise and worship God.
And I'm not going to do that just because it's a sacrifice. I'm going to do it just because I feel like it.
Yes, even though when I try to be true to myself, apparently people don't like it or don't care, but what the heck, that's who I am.
I'm not cheery all the time, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not humorous, though I'm trying to change.
I'm not confident (yet), though I'm trying to change.
In the midst of changing, if I offended or put off anyone....Too bad, I guess, even though all I wanted was to feel like part of the group or family. Have someone ask me "How's your day?" for once, instead of always being called upon or always taking the initiative to ask that.
Have someone ask me "Hey, what do you like to do?" Or even say mundane things like "Oh, that's a nice shirt! Where did you get it?" Or "Have you heard the news about this and that? Did you watch the World Cup? Which team do you support?" Maybe even "Hey, we're eating dinner later. Wanna join us? Don't think we have forgotten you!"
I'm sorry if that was a wrong assumption of even if it hits the bulls-eye, but the impression I get is that no one's interested in me. In what I have to say. In who I am. If you want to lambast me for that, fine. Go ahead. Just DON'T JUDGE ME BY YOUR STANDARDS OR ANYONE ELSE'S, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MADE A DECISION TO DO WHAT I CAN. IF I CAN'T SEE RESULTS, I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD KEEP BLAMING MYSELF.
....Phew, that did it. I feel so much freer now. Was there anger up there? Yes, most of it, released. Am I being childish? I don't think so. Even though I'm supposed to be matured and stable and all that, please remember that I had been in social Siberia for quite a number of years. There are things you don't know because YOU DON'T ASK, so please don't act so surprised when you suddenly hear that I have certain issues going on.
Well, at least God can see me through. He's the only one that's really faithful.
But as I said, everything aside. I'll do all that I can to praise and worship God, listen to his word, be ministered to et cetera.
Because I know even if it feels like I don't ever belong in the world, in any place, in any time, in any group, or that I'll always feel alone in terms of friendship and love, at least God loves me.
And maybe that's all I should ever need.
Entertaining Iridescence: The Legend is Born: Ip Man
For the benefit of those who don't know how to read those chinese words there, it literally means: "Ip Man: The Prequel", though the movie name itself has already been stated in smaller print there in English above the chinese one.
The movie premises has already been explained in the title. Well, almost. It highlights the earlier years of the Wing Chun martial arts master Ip Man, firstly as a child, then as a young man.
As far as it goes, the movie itself already sounds like just another biopic, but for those who have watched the first and the second instalments, this was the one which highlighted what made the master into who he was as shown in Ip Man and Ip Man 2.
As usual, I try not to give out too much, but if there happens to be a few spoilers, I apologize for being overly enthusiastic about discussing it. =)
Thoughts
Initially, I was somewhat skeptical. My mindset leaned towards doing other things I really, really wanted, like going to K or just practising the guitar at home. It just simply felt like there were better things to do than catch this one.
"It's just another biopic. What's the big deal? It's another actor, not Donnie Yen. Who's that guy? Can he really pull it off?"
But I went to watch anyway. Firstly, it was because a good buddy of mine had invited me. Secondly, I don't like to leave things hanging, and one half of my mind had the urge to just finish off the story.
So I went.
And it was better-no, it blew my mind away. Films do that to you when you have rather low expectations, but suddenly they rise up to exceed them, blasting your doubts into oblivion.
Now, having seen certain reviews about the movie, some of which considers the prequel less entertaining because of less fighting, I'd have to say that I'm thankful I don't completely believe in those things. Firstly, common sense tells you that the young Ip Man wouldn't have been so proficient in beating down his opponents that easily, nor would he have been able to take on many, many high level martial arts exponents just like this:
More than that, I became interested in the life, the story behind this man who was portraited as a virtuous, righteous, patriotic, upright and cultured martial artist who was ready to put his life on the line to fight for the pride of his country (Even though real history might not dictate as such).
What was he like when he was young? Was he impetuous? What did he do? Where did he study? What did he like? What experiences did he go through? What kind of love did he find, or what kind of love found him? What made him into such a confident, calm, cultured yet passionate man?
The prequel told most of that.
Sadly, they didn't concentrate much on childhood, though it probably wouldn't have been as exciting as his teenage years when he went to HK to study, meeting someone unexpected and going through the classical chance encounter (or as in many martial arts stories, the 奇遇) with a grand master, then returning to go through an interesting turn of events that changed his world.
I was impressed at the end, though being a somewhat judgmental person, I felt that the movie could have been better. There could have been more action. There could have been more time spent, maybe 10 minutes or so, before switching the heavy, heavy atmosphere right after the climax to the suddenly happy one at the very end.
Aside from these small things, the whole movie was great. Perhaps not every single viewer thinks so, because every individual has different benchmarks for different movies, but I thought the movie was good. They had great pacing, being able to transit from one scene to another easily. There were good fight sequences, making Ip Man more...realistic/human than the first two movies, where he was literally a demigod in terms of fighting. There was the ever-present humor, witty, dry and even classical jokes coming out from unexpected scenes. The added bonus here was the romance that abounded. While it certainly cannot hold a candle to romance comedies, romantic instances are usually welcome.
And of course, the drama and angst. While there was a little bit of it present in the first two movies, none were centered on the people who were really, really close to Ip Man, that it affects him directly. The prequel did just that, giving him a bigger spotlight and pulling him closer to the category of being a 'real' person who faces emotional turmoil.
Come to think of it, perhaps it was a trademark technique shown by the director here, that he loves simply to turn heavy, angst-filled moments into light-hearted ones right after that, so that viewers might be able to view the movie without feeling too down themselves. The scene where he was almost expelled by the eldest disciple of his late master because he had learned some 'unorthodox Wing Chun' while in HK spelt that out clearly, I think. Right after the part where he accepts punishment, the eldest disciple asks for the late master's advice at his grave by......
.....Tossing a coin, then subsequently thanking him for allowing the coin toss to be favorable.
It seemed funny at that time, but ultimately it also highlighted certain things about the culture then. Which I thought was good. With the opening scenes showing us a little history on the part of the Chinese people demanding for democracy, openness and the rejection of the Twenty-One Demands. I know most typical teenagers would go "BOORRRRINGGG!!!" when you mention history, and go off to play with their spanking new PSPs or iPhones, but it was a nice thing to add in. Let the people know a little more. Let the viewers be a little more curious, and be a little more knowledgeable instead of always facing their gadgets and failing to know even about the oil spill by BP, labeled as one of the 'greatest environmental crisis ever'.
That aside, the drama at the end was backed up by the ominous signs at the very beginning. A storyteller, or even just an avid moviegoer who's seen all kinds of films and techniques used to tell the story should know immediately when disaster strikes, leaving a man dead and the suspense to slowly set in. It builds up some flavour for the end result, the climax, and the little nightmare Tin Chi had at the start was actually not just a story build-up to how they met the girl, but also how things ended up in a tragedy.
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More personal thoughts here.
I know the movie is based on Ip Man and his experiences, but his elder brother was the one that got most of my attention.
Yip Tin Chi.
As the elder brother, he showed nothing but love and care for his younger sibling. He ultimately got embroiled in a love triangle of sorts with a girl who likes his younger sibling even as he continues his pursuit of the girl with various signs of his own love language being displayed (watch the movie to know more!).
It was painfully obvious to see that the girl was not into him, but into the younger, more suave, more talented, more charismatic Yip Man (though he's actually a blockhead when it comes to love). Hearing sniggers coming from some sections of the movie theatre made me feel even more sorry for him. That guy wasn't bad looking himself (Yes, actors need to keep up appearances, but it's a good comparison), was rather talented, second to none except Yip Man, had a promising future...But a dark secret that threatens to destroy it all.
In the end, the girl came to him not out of complete willingness, but because her own heart was broken. Even then, he seemed extremely awkward while attempting to ask her out one on one.
Even as he managed to get married, the happiness was short-lived as the dark secret caught up. Tin Chi was found out and eventually beaten, only to recount his own circumstances in desperation and despair, with things ending up in the worst possible scenario.
So many things to learn from this...
-Firstly, I feel for him because I've been in a similar situation many, many, many times. Not same, of course, since I don't have a younger brother (Heck, I am a younger brother). Always being overshadowed by someone else despite working hard, despite being able to have certain talents. There's always something lacking that ultimately makes you feel like you fail, that you're always out of the loop.
-Yet I admire his frankness, the kind that would be considered outdated. Some might even consider it being "pushy" or being plain "creepy" in the modern and 'civilized' society. Yet he still did it, with earnestness, with passion, with hard work as best as he could, despite being obviously socially awkward and despite knowing it was obvious that the girl didn't like him (i.e. always being concerned about the younger brother whenever there's a mention of him, always ignoring or just placating him), despite holding a burden heavier than anyone else's, he still forged ahead, trying to grasp happiness.
What tenacity. What strength.
The ending for him stung my heart. Why do some people struggle, do their best, try their hardest, yet fail to find happiness? Because of that one big blemish in his life? Why is it there are others who don't need to try as hard, yet are so much closer to their goals because the circumstances favour them?
Yet even in death, at least he found comfort, knowing that he has fulfilled a purpose. Despite being second best throughout and having short-lived happiness, at the very least, he fulfilled some part of his life.
I guess God simply has it all arranged, and I believe he doesn't have a tragic ending for us all.
-Aside from that, there was the fact that he was so open, so loving, so brotherly that he harboured no ill feelings towards his younger brother or tried to make him look bad, or make himself look good. All he did was concentrate on what he could do, and what he was doing, while staying as close as he could to the girl he loved, as well as the goal he had to accomplish. You really need an insanely strong self-control in today's society to be like that.
What's going on in his mind might be different, but that's where self-control kicks in. That's where love kicks in, because love, be it for the sibling or for the most precious person, ultimately never fails.
-His tragic end, of course, got to me, and brought to the question of whether every single Japanese shown fighting the war really wanted to fight the war for the Land of the Rising Sun. Did they see things they didn't want to see? Go to places they didn't want to go and were left there to survive on their own as little children, that those who could not make it will simply die and those who failed should just...commit harakiri ?
I'm thinking that you (if anyone is reading this looooong post seriously at all....Haha...) might be thinking that I'm overthinking the thinking that the directors are thinking we should be thinking.
But seriously, I wonder if I ever overanalysed it. Maybe you feel that too, but perhaps it just means that I prefer thinking deeply and looking into things that can bring revelation instead of just pure entertainment.
Maybe that's why I'm overly sensitive to many, always seeking some meaning in certain things. But hey, that's a positive trait sometimes too, isn't it? Being able to seek out a deeper meaning.
But more than that, I feel for the characters in the show, just as a reader should feel for the characters he read about in a good novel, and I'm really thankful that I'm one of those characters in God's novel that he's reading and writing to some extent and editing.
And as far as I can believe it, I'm a diamond in the rough that still needs plenty of polishing. Maybe I won't have many polishers aside from myself as compared to others, but what's important is that I'm a diamond, waiting to sparkle and shine. If there aren't many to help me polish, guess I'll just have to keep trying harder, won't I?
For everything. For my walk with God, for relationships, friendships or otherwise; For my own dreams and talents.
Yeah, I'm nearing my mid 20s, but there were many great men and women who started out late too.
And it's never too late to start.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 37: Denial II
That's something I admit to, now.
I've been in denial about certain things.
But the things I've seen today adds up with everything I've seen, observed and heard.
It's confirmed, and I most certainly don't need to hear any confirmation to know that it's true.
Foolish assumption? Maybe, but I probably need to be blind and deaf to think it's yet another assumption.
Or just delusional or extremely optimistic.
Again, I can scream 'unfair', like I've done it before. Being able to do this and that without coming off as being too pushy, because of the position and the timing, because of other factors that can one can relate to...From a normal perspective, I daresay it's justified.
But I won't do that anymore. Rather than lament about how the situation is always unfavorable for me, perhaps this is the time to change things in my own way, starting from myself.
More confidence. More pushing to do things. Especially in being more relaxed instead of always tensed up, wanting to be better than others.
Pushing oneself to relax maybe paradoxical, but it certainly is justified, because I've been denying the pleasures of life and socialisation by always putting up a stony front, a winning team on the cards as much as I could to beat others.
I guess that's what makes my countenance appear unfriendly at times? Too used to that, so gotta change it. After all, all things are made new with God.
And more importantly, I still believe.
I've been in denial about certain things.
But the things I've seen today adds up with everything I've seen, observed and heard.
It's confirmed, and I most certainly don't need to hear any confirmation to know that it's true.
Foolish assumption? Maybe, but I probably need to be blind and deaf to think it's yet another assumption.
Or just delusional or extremely optimistic.
Again, I can scream 'unfair', like I've done it before. Being able to do this and that without coming off as being too pushy, because of the position and the timing, because of other factors that can one can relate to...From a normal perspective, I daresay it's justified.
But I won't do that anymore. Rather than lament about how the situation is always unfavorable for me, perhaps this is the time to change things in my own way, starting from myself.
More confidence. More pushing to do things. Especially in being more relaxed instead of always tensed up, wanting to be better than others.
Pushing oneself to relax maybe paradoxical, but it certainly is justified, because I've been denying the pleasures of life and socialisation by always putting up a stony front, a winning team on the cards as much as I could to beat others.
I guess that's what makes my countenance appear unfriendly at times? Too used to that, so gotta change it. After all, all things are made new with God.
And more importantly, I still believe.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 36: The Reassurance of an Ideal Situation
No, not exactly the one I want happening (Ha! I wish). If everything could come so easily, we wouldn't grow at all.
Besides, what I really meant was the Sealing. It was done as I wanted it to, and as God willed it. I don't know why, but perhaps it really is the best thing to happen, because this feels like one of the few times I received an answer so quickly from him.
Praise the Lord.
And along the way, I kept thinking: What if the Sealing makes me forget? Would I lose those beautiful memories? Inadvertently let go of the wonderful images? The things that seemed and felt (and possibly will seem and feel) so wonderful, yet so real, like a dream come true...Would they fade away forever?
But thank God, no. For one thing, I know I can't forget. It's just too hard currently.
However, if it does take 5 years or perhaps even 10 down the road for things to really fall in place, then I might really lose hold of that which I sealed away.
Yet....Even if I forget, God remembers.
Yes, he does forget too. But he forgets our sins as we come before him asking for forgiveness with a repentant heart. He forgets the past wrongs we have committed.
But yet, he remembers the good we have done. He remembers the dreams and visions that you want to cling on to, lest your human memory fails you, even as the circumstances swamp you and bog you down. He memorises every little thing you want or think about, and knows your dreams and desires inside out.
I find that very reassuring. He knows, he remembers, he cares. Even if your birthday is forgotten, even if your efforts are unappreciated, even if there's no one or nothing that can comfort you at that point in time, one prayer is enough. One conversation is enough. One session of crying out about your frustrations, your fears, your shattered hopes, your fading wishes, your failing strength...Is enough.
Or maybe sometimes we need to do that a few more times. Just to reassure ourselves. Or simply to make known to God that we are really, really determined to seek his face despite our emotional state. After all, trusting and believing in him despite everything coming against you, is a form of sacrifice that only he can see.
And in this, it really is an ideal situation. To perform the Sealing, yet to have a key to unsealing it, or a memoir to remember it by, given to me at the time when God does his mighty work.
And like flipping a page, or flipping to a random page that I haven't read, he reassures me time and again, that this is indeed the ideal situation right now.
Just gotta wait. Focus on the things I need to do, and then unseal 'it' when the time is ripe, according to his will.
And change of plans. No study group! Wish I could help, but hey, this also means more time to practise. Still stuck on the darn G....>.<
Confidence!!! =D
Besides, what I really meant was the Sealing. It was done as I wanted it to, and as God willed it. I don't know why, but perhaps it really is the best thing to happen, because this feels like one of the few times I received an answer so quickly from him.
Praise the Lord.
And along the way, I kept thinking: What if the Sealing makes me forget? Would I lose those beautiful memories? Inadvertently let go of the wonderful images? The things that seemed and felt (and possibly will seem and feel) so wonderful, yet so real, like a dream come true...Would they fade away forever?
But thank God, no. For one thing, I know I can't forget. It's just too hard currently.
However, if it does take 5 years or perhaps even 10 down the road for things to really fall in place, then I might really lose hold of that which I sealed away.
Yet....Even if I forget, God remembers.
Yes, he does forget too. But he forgets our sins as we come before him asking for forgiveness with a repentant heart. He forgets the past wrongs we have committed.
But yet, he remembers the good we have done. He remembers the dreams and visions that you want to cling on to, lest your human memory fails you, even as the circumstances swamp you and bog you down. He memorises every little thing you want or think about, and knows your dreams and desires inside out.
I find that very reassuring. He knows, he remembers, he cares. Even if your birthday is forgotten, even if your efforts are unappreciated, even if there's no one or nothing that can comfort you at that point in time, one prayer is enough. One conversation is enough. One session of crying out about your frustrations, your fears, your shattered hopes, your fading wishes, your failing strength...Is enough.
Or maybe sometimes we need to do that a few more times. Just to reassure ourselves. Or simply to make known to God that we are really, really determined to seek his face despite our emotional state. After all, trusting and believing in him despite everything coming against you, is a form of sacrifice that only he can see.
And in this, it really is an ideal situation. To perform the Sealing, yet to have a key to unsealing it, or a memoir to remember it by, given to me at the time when God does his mighty work.
And like flipping a page, or flipping to a random page that I haven't read, he reassures me time and again, that this is indeed the ideal situation right now.
Just gotta wait. Focus on the things I need to do, and then unseal 'it' when the time is ripe, according to his will.
And change of plans. No study group! Wish I could help, but hey, this also means more time to practise. Still stuck on the darn G....>.<
Confidence!!! =D
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 35: Head On and Denial
The way to dealing with issues or problems in your life is to tackle it straight on, like a good ol' quarterback whenever any player on the opposing team is tearing down the field for a touchdown.
Or so I was told. Rather, so I had read in a book.
The same book also mentioned that a certain level of denial is good too. Denying that you work is bad just because of one or two rejections. Denying that you are horrible just because you failed once or twice. Denying that your desires or goals are doomed to die jus because you hit obstacles once or twice.
Or even umpteenth times, for that matter.
So contradictory in a way...One side telling you not to run and face it, the other seemingly telling you to run away from it.
But perhaps they are used in different contexts.
Problems won't go away. Certain things won't go away no matter what you do, and the best way is obviously to stand up straight, stare them down and start grabbing the bull by its horns.
Denial here, though, is not instant gratification, nor is it really running away from reality. It feels that the denial the author was talking about was denying one's own lack of ability to do certain things. Or denying yourself, the true talents, abilities, feelings you have within you.
Would the Sealing that is underway be bad then? Since it covers over a huge part of how I truly feel.
Perhaps not, since it's only for a season. How long, I wouldn't know. More than that, how I can cling on to the vision and dream that was once so vivid, so clear and now still a little blurry is the real question.
But would it be wrong to pour all that energy into doing other things, new stuff that you've wanted to do, instead of facing those issues head on? Isn't it kind of like a denial?
I don't know...But sometimes grabbing the mad bull by its horns isn't going to help. Neither is looking at another matador in the ring who is better, has more fans or has progressed further than you going to.
All I need to do now is to concentrate on my own growth, and hopefully nothing else can distract me...
---------------------
"I shouldn't have looked."
This phrase appeared countless times when I mentally berated myself for either knowing something I shouldn't know, or knowing something that I knew, subconsciously, would hurt me, but I still looked.
That's the biggest fault of an inquisitive nature: Wanting to know answers to every question. Wanting to know what else is going on. Wanting to take part.
And some people can' take this kind of...behavior, I guess. It feels more like 'prying' than asking for most.
And once again, I'm feeling a little like this.
I shouldn't have looked, because the moment I do, my heart might sink.
But at the same time, it's better to know where the torpedoes are heading from than praying and hoping they won't hit you. At least you know you won't make it or to be more positive, at least you know what evasive maneuvers to execute. What kind of weapons to use to deflect the danger to eliminate the threat.
"I shouldn't have looked."
Maybe I should stick with this and ignore certain things, even if it seems like denial.
In the end, the only thing that should really matter is what God has shown me.
Though it tarries, it shall not delay.
Or so I was told. Rather, so I had read in a book.
The same book also mentioned that a certain level of denial is good too. Denying that you work is bad just because of one or two rejections. Denying that you are horrible just because you failed once or twice. Denying that your desires or goals are doomed to die jus because you hit obstacles once or twice.
Or even umpteenth times, for that matter.
So contradictory in a way...One side telling you not to run and face it, the other seemingly telling you to run away from it.
But perhaps they are used in different contexts.
Problems won't go away. Certain things won't go away no matter what you do, and the best way is obviously to stand up straight, stare them down and start grabbing the bull by its horns.
Denial here, though, is not instant gratification, nor is it really running away from reality. It feels that the denial the author was talking about was denying one's own lack of ability to do certain things. Or denying yourself, the true talents, abilities, feelings you have within you.
Would the Sealing that is underway be bad then? Since it covers over a huge part of how I truly feel.
Perhaps not, since it's only for a season. How long, I wouldn't know. More than that, how I can cling on to the vision and dream that was once so vivid, so clear and now still a little blurry is the real question.
But would it be wrong to pour all that energy into doing other things, new stuff that you've wanted to do, instead of facing those issues head on? Isn't it kind of like a denial?
I don't know...But sometimes grabbing the mad bull by its horns isn't going to help. Neither is looking at another matador in the ring who is better, has more fans or has progressed further than you going to.
All I need to do now is to concentrate on my own growth, and hopefully nothing else can distract me...
---------------------
"I shouldn't have looked."
This phrase appeared countless times when I mentally berated myself for either knowing something I shouldn't know, or knowing something that I knew, subconsciously, would hurt me, but I still looked.
That's the biggest fault of an inquisitive nature: Wanting to know answers to every question. Wanting to know what else is going on. Wanting to take part.
And some people can' take this kind of...behavior, I guess. It feels more like 'prying' than asking for most.
And once again, I'm feeling a little like this.
I shouldn't have looked, because the moment I do, my heart might sink.
But at the same time, it's better to know where the torpedoes are heading from than praying and hoping they won't hit you. At least you know you won't make it or to be more positive, at least you know what evasive maneuvers to execute. What kind of weapons to use to deflect the danger to eliminate the threat.
"I shouldn't have looked."
Maybe I should stick with this and ignore certain things, even if it seems like denial.
In the end, the only thing that should really matter is what God has shown me.
Though it tarries, it shall not delay.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 34: Fuinsareta x Snail's Pace
For lack of a better representation, the dubious-looking word you see there is the Japanese romanji for 'sealed'.
Basically, it means I have to seal something away in order to progress further. Certain things can be good, but too much of a good thing can turn bad...Especially when it is so...difficult to define, so tedious and draining to confirm, so...mind boggling at times that you wish the resolution could come sooner, preferably ones that end in your favour.
'Sealing' might sound a little too grandiose for some people, but I believe that it is an apt word for what I'm doing right now.
The only thing is, it's going to be pretty contradictory, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a good idea on the whole, even if it means that doing so frees me up from worries of not doing the right things. Then again, would I be lying to myself, taking to denial as a sheep takes to the patches of rich, green grass which were already laced with poison?
There are those doubts too. What if this and that happens? What if while you are training or strengthening yourself, the goal that could be reached through what was to be sealed becomes 'redundant'?
It hurts not knowing.
But it hurts even more when you're not doing anything at all.
And since a while back, I've been clinging on. The grip loosening at times, but the hand still upon the same spot. Dreams fade now and then, yet it still lingers.
Though it tarries, it shall not delay.
(....Speaking of which, I need a new Bible. Spine's crumbling.)
Which in this case, perhaps it would really be a good decision to do the Sealing, only breaking it when the time is right and things are in order.
-------------------------
On a random note, I've gotten lots of advice and encouragement on confidence, today being the latest to have received.
I feel relieved. A clearing of the mind, but at the same time, I feel ashamed.
Ashamed that people have gone through so much more than I have, yet were able to maintain their confident outlook on life. Ashamed that it takes what can be perceived as little things to get me down so easily, even though I've reacted far better than I did before.
I want to change. Everything.
But sometimes it just has to progress at a snail's pace, doesn't it?
Still, at some point I know that I'll suddenly take to the skies like a proud, young bird of prey, confident in itself, confident in its abilities, taking action as though it would never fail. Trying again and again even if it fails to fly higher, to attract a mate, to catch his prey, to escape the eagle eyes (pun intended) of hunters.
--------------------------
And that promise I need to fulfill.
Ugh....Need to step on the gas pedal NOW.
Basically, it means I have to seal something away in order to progress further. Certain things can be good, but too much of a good thing can turn bad...Especially when it is so...difficult to define, so tedious and draining to confirm, so...mind boggling at times that you wish the resolution could come sooner, preferably ones that end in your favour.
'Sealing' might sound a little too grandiose for some people, but I believe that it is an apt word for what I'm doing right now.
The only thing is, it's going to be pretty contradictory, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a good idea on the whole, even if it means that doing so frees me up from worries of not doing the right things. Then again, would I be lying to myself, taking to denial as a sheep takes to the patches of rich, green grass which were already laced with poison?
There are those doubts too. What if this and that happens? What if while you are training or strengthening yourself, the goal that could be reached through what was to be sealed becomes 'redundant'?
It hurts not knowing.
But it hurts even more when you're not doing anything at all.
And since a while back, I've been clinging on. The grip loosening at times, but the hand still upon the same spot. Dreams fade now and then, yet it still lingers.
Though it tarries, it shall not delay.
(....Speaking of which, I need a new Bible. Spine's crumbling.)
Which in this case, perhaps it would really be a good decision to do the Sealing, only breaking it when the time is right and things are in order.
-------------------------
On a random note, I've gotten lots of advice and encouragement on confidence, today being the latest to have received.
I feel relieved. A clearing of the mind, but at the same time, I feel ashamed.
Ashamed that people have gone through so much more than I have, yet were able to maintain their confident outlook on life. Ashamed that it takes what can be perceived as little things to get me down so easily, even though I've reacted far better than I did before.
I want to change. Everything.
But sometimes it just has to progress at a snail's pace, doesn't it?
Still, at some point I know that I'll suddenly take to the skies like a proud, young bird of prey, confident in itself, confident in its abilities, taking action as though it would never fail. Trying again and again even if it fails to fly higher, to attract a mate, to catch his prey, to escape the eagle eyes (pun intended) of hunters.
--------------------------
And that promise I need to fulfill.
Ugh....Need to step on the gas pedal NOW.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Anger Management
So much anger.
In the last post, that is.
That's what happens when one loses sight of his hope and becomes blind to the smaller yet abundant blessings around.
But it's true that there's a time for everything.
Right now the time isn't here, which is why things aren't really happening. You can't reap the harvest in winter, nor can you build snowmen in summer.
You can't force certain things to happen because you want it to happen. Especially when you need to go through certain processes for things to happen. Like how the blade of a katana has to be heated up then cooled before it can become a proper edge to do what it was meant to do - slice things through like a hot knife through butter.
Impatience has cost me. And nearly cost me too.
Gotta stop thinking and start acting.
In the last post, that is.
That's what happens when one loses sight of his hope and becomes blind to the smaller yet abundant blessings around.
But it's true that there's a time for everything.
Right now the time isn't here, which is why things aren't really happening. You can't reap the harvest in winter, nor can you build snowmen in summer.
You can't force certain things to happen because you want it to happen. Especially when you need to go through certain processes for things to happen. Like how the blade of a katana has to be heated up then cooled before it can become a proper edge to do what it was meant to do - slice things through like a hot knife through butter.
Impatience has cost me. And nearly cost me too.
Gotta stop thinking and start acting.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 33: Auto-Focus
Decided again.
Wonder how many times it has been already.
Decided to focus on myself.
This isn't the season for certain things, and earlier I keep having the mindset that I'm being extremely self-centered and egoistic if I focused on myself.
But that isn't true.
In fact, I'll be selfish and unfair to myself if I did not do so. Didn't the Word tell us to love ourselves? If we can't love ourselves, how can we love our neighbours, or anyone else for that matter?
Every aspect - Spiritual disciplines, Mental, emotional and physical health. Heck, even physical appearance. Guitar, studies, socializing skills...Even the gathering of knowledge to pursue my own dreams.
Putting aside those dreams and visions, perhaps the auto-focus will come as soon as I get my lens right. My equipment working. My life in order.
Or at the very least, most of it.
It's going to be difficult, I suppose, but not impossible. After all, many things in life do try to take away that focus. The times where you feel like you are a repulsive person because people keep giving you one word answers or worse still, don't reply to you at all.
I used to think it was basic courtesy to reply when someone asks you a question, or sends you an SMS. If one could not reply, you would usually do something like justify why. That's what I meant by trying hard in socialisation.
But it seems like times have changed. Or I'm just from another planet, somehow. Maybe I'm too polite.
I understand that sometimes technology screws up on you, though, so I wouldn't say anything to that. The irritation sets in when you reply to someone else or update your FB status frequently right after I sent a message, or try to initiate a conversation.
It tells me two things: You hate me or I'm that repulsive a person.
But guess what? I think I'm starting to stop caring.
Don't reply? OKAY LOR. I'll keep trying and replying whenever you try to initiate a conversation, because I know it's basic courtesy to reply. Even one-word is better than nothing.
But it's fine. I won't be letting this get to my mind or my mood anymore. Defiance is sometimes the best method for this kind of things.
No comments? OKAY LOR. It's not like I need to BEG others to review my stuff all the time. It's not like I should be asking anyone to care that much either.
Stay focused on my own stuff and ignore whta others are doing, in front of me or possibly even behind my back.
Then maybe I'll be able to break that ceiling.
Wonder how many times it has been already.
Decided to focus on myself.
This isn't the season for certain things, and earlier I keep having the mindset that I'm being extremely self-centered and egoistic if I focused on myself.
But that isn't true.
In fact, I'll be selfish and unfair to myself if I did not do so. Didn't the Word tell us to love ourselves? If we can't love ourselves, how can we love our neighbours, or anyone else for that matter?
Every aspect - Spiritual disciplines, Mental, emotional and physical health. Heck, even physical appearance. Guitar, studies, socializing skills...Even the gathering of knowledge to pursue my own dreams.
Putting aside those dreams and visions, perhaps the auto-focus will come as soon as I get my lens right. My equipment working. My life in order.
Or at the very least, most of it.
It's going to be difficult, I suppose, but not impossible. After all, many things in life do try to take away that focus. The times where you feel like you are a repulsive person because people keep giving you one word answers or worse still, don't reply to you at all.
I used to think it was basic courtesy to reply when someone asks you a question, or sends you an SMS. If one could not reply, you would usually do something like justify why. That's what I meant by trying hard in socialisation.
But it seems like times have changed. Or I'm just from another planet, somehow. Maybe I'm too polite.
I understand that sometimes technology screws up on you, though, so I wouldn't say anything to that. The irritation sets in when you reply to someone else or update your FB status frequently right after I sent a message, or try to initiate a conversation.
It tells me two things: You hate me or I'm that repulsive a person.
But guess what? I think I'm starting to stop caring.
Don't reply? OKAY LOR. I'll keep trying and replying whenever you try to initiate a conversation, because I know it's basic courtesy to reply. Even one-word is better than nothing.
But it's fine. I won't be letting this get to my mind or my mood anymore. Defiance is sometimes the best method for this kind of things.
No comments? OKAY LOR. It's not like I need to BEG others to review my stuff all the time. It's not like I should be asking anyone to care that much either.
Stay focused on my own stuff and ignore whta others are doing, in front of me or possibly even behind my back.
Then maybe I'll be able to break that ceiling.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Hope?
Is it hope if you're wishing for something that, in the natural, would probably never happen?
Or is that just being delusional?
Having to differentiate between the unseen hope and the seen reality is so difficult at times, that I'm in awe of the people who give testimony time and again. Those who emptied their savings to give to the building fund, crying as they did so. The Bible heroes who kept praying and believing in the promises of God even though it looked far more possible to die and be resurrected again seventy-seven times.
How much have they believed? How much have they loved? How much have they kept praying and believing and confessing and persevering?
Aside from that, how powerless did they feel, when the situation happened? How did Joseph felt when he was thrown into prison at that time? How did Peter feel when he denied Jesus the third time? How did David feel when even his own men wanted to kill him?
And again, I'm amazed by what David did. Being as normal as any person, save for his anointing and his heart after God, he cries out. He despairs. He becomes anguished, he wonders where God is all this time when he is in trouble.
Yet, he also praised God. He also prayed to him and believed in him, that he would deliver him from these troubles. That all that he lost would be restored onto him. That his enemies would be swept away by God's right hand.
Just by imagining that kind of a scene, I would think that David might have been crying. Tears of pain, despair, shame, disappointment, confusion flowing down his cheeks like two relentless waterfalls. So bleak was the situation that any other sane man would probably have gone mad.
Yet he praised God and kept his faith.
-----------------
Can I be like David? Being so normal, so untalented, so small, so unassuming, so....nondescript.
Yet being able to have a heart after God. Being able to make mistakes, yet repent over and over and over again, sincerely.
Being able to hope, yet also despairing like any normal man would, then picking up the hope again repeatedly.
Being a sinner, having sinned again and again, yet repenting again and again not because of fear, but because of remorse and out of love for God.
-------------
Heart is wavering heavily. I think I've really reached my ceiling, because everything inside is threatening to boil and spill over once again. There will be....things I'll do, I guess, to ensure that my capacity grows larger.
And I myself know that these are going to be tough times. Painful times. Wow...What a change, isn't it? Just earlier this week I was rejoicing. And now, the cheering has ended. My feet were cruelly pulled before me and now I have my head to the ground, not held up high, looking at the clouds and the skies and dreaming great dreams, beautiful dreams.
How fast the day passes! How swiftly the night comes once again! Perhaps when dawn comes anew and twilight fades, there will be a hug, a smile, a kiss, a pat on the back waiting there for me. You can choose to interpret whatever this means, if you like.
------------------
Need some time off. Certain things are becoming an avenue of torment even though they shouldn't be. If you don't see me online or whatever, or that my activity has decreased, don't be alarmed...It's just me deciding that I would no longer be a bother to you, you or you for...I dunno, a few days? A week? A month?
Savor it while you can, I guess...Since I'll probably be like a nuisance again once I'm back on.
------------------
Feeling I shot myself in the foot. Hard. With a shotgun.
Sabotaging myself is the next worse thing I can do aside from testing God, I think.
My intentions were pure...But what if they ended up into something that I never wanted to see happening?
To see that amount of something shown....it really, really stings my heart. All the more when I realise no one really knows much about who I am.
Is this what a family should be like? One or two people trying to understand, know and care for others, yet having little or no one doing the same for them? Or him? Or her?
Or maybe that's what you call 'sacrifice'. Maybe that's one step closer to doing the good works without having to trumpet about them. That would be really swell if I could hear God say 'Well done' one more time.
I'm praying for the situation to change, though.
--------------------
Happy Father's Day?
I don't know...Our family isn't one to celebrate stuff like that so much. Or maybe once again, only one or two are showing concern for the others, for whatever reason the concern is shown. It's still concern.
Maybe I should try to break out of this mould and do something nice one day. Surprise everyone. Smile like I truly mean it. Joke like I really know what I'm talking about. And make my family happy people.
Besides, one of my prayers for them is being answered. Praise the Lord for it! I'll share more during testimony, or you could ask me in private...if anyone really cares enough to ask.
-------------
God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares.
If I can just confess this to realise that's the most important thing, rather than having people care and believe in it, maybe the blues will fly far, far away.
Rather than feeling unappreciated by Man, maybe I can speak to God and feel more appreciated by him.
Rather than feeling alien, maybe I can swim in God's ocean of love and enjoy his presence.
Rather than feeling that I'm so inadequate compared to the talented or capable peopel around me, maybe I can just listen and trust in God's word that I'm indeed his precious child.
Then maybe, when this hope arises once more, I can start changing again till no one recognizes me. I'm not doing this just to spite others, of course, but to show that God can indeed mould something so ordinary into someone so much better.
Not that I believe any more attention or care would be given just because I look or feel different, no. But at least, at the very least....I can glorify God.
Maybe that would be similar to David. Not mired in despair or surrounded by enemies and having friends who want to kill you, but at the very least, the loneliness is bound to be the same.
But yet, I'll still praise him all the same.
-----------
Despite all this, I'm still looking forward.
Looking forward to the next guitar class, knowing that I'll finally learn about restringing and strumming and whatnot. Knowing that I have indeed practised, though it was slightly less than what I wanted it to be.
Looking forward to having good dreams and visions, even if they hardly appear as clearly as they did when I first received that dream and those visions.
Looking forward to how God is going to guide me and carry me through all this madness I'm facing and how he is going to appear as the Fourth Man in the fire beside me.
Looking forward to change and breakthrough again, even if I've failed multiple times to do so for various reasons.
Looking forward to fellowship, visitations, receiving revelations from the Word etc.
Looking forward, even though very little understand or care or want to respond to you. Perhaps it's another trial. Hey, perhaps at the end of the day, my blessings will be overflowing. Perhaps they will be so great, so pleasant, so dreamy, so surprising, so touching that I cannot help but scream 'Hallelujah' every 5 seconds till I'm hoarse.
That would really be something, wouldn't it?
Think I need to take a leaf out of the deeds of the great men and women of God either in the Bible or those that have yet to enter into the Book of Acts. From a tent to the largest church in the world. From a 'ordinary' pastor to a powerful evangelist saving millions of people in Africa. From nearing bankruptcy to prospering so much, just because it has been sown according to the Lord's will.
I guess we can only know what suffering is if we go through the pain, the sweat, the blood and the tears...Then coming out, more powerful, more lovng, more understanding, more joyful and thankful than ever before.
"For it is through pain, not comfort, that we know what our strengths and weaknesses are, and that we can strive to change them through blood, sweat and tears."
Or is that just being delusional?
Having to differentiate between the unseen hope and the seen reality is so difficult at times, that I'm in awe of the people who give testimony time and again. Those who emptied their savings to give to the building fund, crying as they did so. The Bible heroes who kept praying and believing in the promises of God even though it looked far more possible to die and be resurrected again seventy-seven times.
How much have they believed? How much have they loved? How much have they kept praying and believing and confessing and persevering?
Aside from that, how powerless did they feel, when the situation happened? How did Joseph felt when he was thrown into prison at that time? How did Peter feel when he denied Jesus the third time? How did David feel when even his own men wanted to kill him?
And again, I'm amazed by what David did. Being as normal as any person, save for his anointing and his heart after God, he cries out. He despairs. He becomes anguished, he wonders where God is all this time when he is in trouble.
Yet, he also praised God. He also prayed to him and believed in him, that he would deliver him from these troubles. That all that he lost would be restored onto him. That his enemies would be swept away by God's right hand.
Just by imagining that kind of a scene, I would think that David might have been crying. Tears of pain, despair, shame, disappointment, confusion flowing down his cheeks like two relentless waterfalls. So bleak was the situation that any other sane man would probably have gone mad.
Yet he praised God and kept his faith.
-----------------
Can I be like David? Being so normal, so untalented, so small, so unassuming, so....nondescript.
Yet being able to have a heart after God. Being able to make mistakes, yet repent over and over and over again, sincerely.
Being able to hope, yet also despairing like any normal man would, then picking up the hope again repeatedly.
Being a sinner, having sinned again and again, yet repenting again and again not because of fear, but because of remorse and out of love for God.
-------------
Heart is wavering heavily. I think I've really reached my ceiling, because everything inside is threatening to boil and spill over once again. There will be....things I'll do, I guess, to ensure that my capacity grows larger.
And I myself know that these are going to be tough times. Painful times. Wow...What a change, isn't it? Just earlier this week I was rejoicing. And now, the cheering has ended. My feet were cruelly pulled before me and now I have my head to the ground, not held up high, looking at the clouds and the skies and dreaming great dreams, beautiful dreams.
How fast the day passes! How swiftly the night comes once again! Perhaps when dawn comes anew and twilight fades, there will be a hug, a smile, a kiss, a pat on the back waiting there for me. You can choose to interpret whatever this means, if you like.
------------------
Need some time off. Certain things are becoming an avenue of torment even though they shouldn't be. If you don't see me online or whatever, or that my activity has decreased, don't be alarmed...It's just me deciding that I would no longer be a bother to you, you or you for...I dunno, a few days? A week? A month?
Savor it while you can, I guess...Since I'll probably be like a nuisance again once I'm back on.
------------------
Feeling I shot myself in the foot. Hard. With a shotgun.
Sabotaging myself is the next worse thing I can do aside from testing God, I think.
My intentions were pure...But what if they ended up into something that I never wanted to see happening?
To see that amount of something shown....it really, really stings my heart. All the more when I realise no one really knows much about who I am.
Is this what a family should be like? One or two people trying to understand, know and care for others, yet having little or no one doing the same for them? Or him? Or her?
Or maybe that's what you call 'sacrifice'. Maybe that's one step closer to doing the good works without having to trumpet about them. That would be really swell if I could hear God say 'Well done' one more time.
I'm praying for the situation to change, though.
--------------------
Happy Father's Day?
I don't know...Our family isn't one to celebrate stuff like that so much. Or maybe once again, only one or two are showing concern for the others, for whatever reason the concern is shown. It's still concern.
Maybe I should try to break out of this mould and do something nice one day. Surprise everyone. Smile like I truly mean it. Joke like I really know what I'm talking about. And make my family happy people.
Besides, one of my prayers for them is being answered. Praise the Lord for it! I'll share more during testimony, or you could ask me in private...if anyone really cares enough to ask.
-------------
God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares. God cares.
If I can just confess this to realise that's the most important thing, rather than having people care and believe in it, maybe the blues will fly far, far away.
Rather than feeling unappreciated by Man, maybe I can speak to God and feel more appreciated by him.
Rather than feeling alien, maybe I can swim in God's ocean of love and enjoy his presence.
Rather than feeling that I'm so inadequate compared to the talented or capable peopel around me, maybe I can just listen and trust in God's word that I'm indeed his precious child.
Then maybe, when this hope arises once more, I can start changing again till no one recognizes me. I'm not doing this just to spite others, of course, but to show that God can indeed mould something so ordinary into someone so much better.
Not that I believe any more attention or care would be given just because I look or feel different, no. But at least, at the very least....I can glorify God.
Maybe that would be similar to David. Not mired in despair or surrounded by enemies and having friends who want to kill you, but at the very least, the loneliness is bound to be the same.
But yet, I'll still praise him all the same.
-----------
Despite all this, I'm still looking forward.
Looking forward to the next guitar class, knowing that I'll finally learn about restringing and strumming and whatnot. Knowing that I have indeed practised, though it was slightly less than what I wanted it to be.
Looking forward to having good dreams and visions, even if they hardly appear as clearly as they did when I first received that dream and those visions.
Looking forward to how God is going to guide me and carry me through all this madness I'm facing and how he is going to appear as the Fourth Man in the fire beside me.
Looking forward to change and breakthrough again, even if I've failed multiple times to do so for various reasons.
Looking forward to fellowship, visitations, receiving revelations from the Word etc.
Looking forward, even though very little understand or care or want to respond to you. Perhaps it's another trial. Hey, perhaps at the end of the day, my blessings will be overflowing. Perhaps they will be so great, so pleasant, so dreamy, so surprising, so touching that I cannot help but scream 'Hallelujah' every 5 seconds till I'm hoarse.
That would really be something, wouldn't it?
Think I need to take a leaf out of the deeds of the great men and women of God either in the Bible or those that have yet to enter into the Book of Acts. From a tent to the largest church in the world. From a 'ordinary' pastor to a powerful evangelist saving millions of people in Africa. From nearing bankruptcy to prospering so much, just because it has been sown according to the Lord's will.
I guess we can only know what suffering is if we go through the pain, the sweat, the blood and the tears...Then coming out, more powerful, more lovng, more understanding, more joyful and thankful than ever before.
"For it is through pain, not comfort, that we know what our strengths and weaknesses are, and that we can strive to change them through blood, sweat and tears."
Poetic Iridescence: Move it
Move the clouds, Change the skies.
Clear the doubts, make way for the lights.
My heart is saddened,
Thinking I'm just insurance.
My mind is burdened,
Feeling I'm a nuisance.
Sometimes I feel that nothing can stop me,
But it is not this day.
Sometimes I feel I can keep saying, "let it be",
But it is not this day.
Saddened am I,
By reasons seemingly unknown.
Distraught am I,
By difficulties remaining untold.
Yet I will praise you, I must.
Through all the chaos and disorder,
I know you are the one I trust.
The one that brings us glory and honor.
Clear the doubts, make way for the lights.
My heart is saddened,
Thinking I'm just insurance.
My mind is burdened,
Feeling I'm a nuisance.
Sometimes I feel that nothing can stop me,
But it is not this day.
Sometimes I feel I can keep saying, "let it be",
But it is not this day.
Saddened am I,
By reasons seemingly unknown.
Distraught am I,
By difficulties remaining untold.
Yet I will praise you, I must.
Through all the chaos and disorder,
I know you are the one I trust.
The one that brings us glory and honor.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 32: I.....
Can't.
I feel like I can't. That I've reached the ceiling, that I need to do something, something really drastic to change it all.
So tired today. At the same time, I just feel so many things rushing into my mind.
Loneliness. Sense of Accomplishment. Inadequacy. Regret. Joy through fellowship. Guilt for not being more observant and loving. Irritation at myself for not being more of a higher standard.
Understanding that there's a time, yet feeling frustrated that I couldn't do more. That I couldn't breach that invisible wall I have with so many people. Envy that others could talk almost effortlessly with people that I've been trying to talk to, even though I was supposedly closer, or I had supposedly tried my best. Contrition, knowing that God is moulding me for a brighter future.
*Takes a deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I wish I could talk more, tell others more, but even so, what could that accomplish? It's really a bummer, but currently I feel more like a person who can only really share and talk in one-on-one situations...And even then, not many really care.
...Do they?
Maybe one day, I'll just ask that. Something like "Hey, tell me frankly if I'm being a bother or if I make you feel uncomfortable. Just tell me, and I'll stay away."
--------------------
Despite that, the service today was awesome. Movie had a great homemade flavour to it, with a simple script but heartwarming messages behind certain scenes. The critic in me says it could have been better, but hey, it's a short movie, and I think it's as good as the thunderous applause indicated by us audience. I love the message too. Knowing that we should show mercy and not judgment was really enlightening and a nice wake-up call. How many times have we judged, consciously or unconsciously, that we should strive to change it? Have we first seen our own actions, behavior and attitudes that we first need to change? How many more people can we reach out to and help, rather than just staying in our comfort zone.
Of course, not one said that it's easy. It never is.
Fellowship was good too, but tiring. Taking over just for one day for one lunch....Sometimes I wish I never have to do it again, but another part of me hopes I can do it one more time, two more times, three more times....only better, better every time.
-------------------
Was I too presumptuous? Had I actually been indulging in a great atmosphere that I shouldn't be in?
It's no one's fault except mine, but there are a few rare times where I feel like I'm...out of place. That I'm an alien species in the midst of so many happy, sincere people. That even though they could talk to others and to each other, I simply could not feel that warmth when I talk to others.
Am I overimagining it? I most certainly hope so.
More than that, sometimes too much of a good thing happening around you can be bad. I'm starting to lose focus, starting to compare again. Need to stop it. Need to concentrate.
God placed me here for a reason. He's made me pick up the pace a whole lot for a reason. He's allowing these confusion for a reason.
I just need to trust in him, over and over and over again, even if it seems hopeless.
Maybe it's just that everything I have received and asked for comes in the long term. I'm kinda a slow person, you see, but when I get things done at that kind of pace or have results after that kind of speed, they are good....Most of the time.
Does that mean the bad stuff happens over a long time too? Heartbreaks, fits of anger, anguish, pain...
I hope not. Let it last for just a short, short while, and then I can move on, even if I'm doing that by staggering.
------------------
Looked in the mirror a tad bit too long...and immediately regretted it.
Sigh.
Wish there can be a more redeeming physical feature there, anywhere. Somewhere. Maybe I'll be more approachable then. Maybe it would be easier to talk and converse with others, and vice versa.
Maybe pigs can fly, with chicken wings. (Aimed at you, SL =P)
------------------
Feels like I'm falling from a mountain all of a sudden.
Maybe I shouldn't have hoped so much, just because of a slight change. It gets difficult to differentiate sometimes, this euphoric feeling about being blessed and whether the blessing was actually....Not a blessing.
I cried. But I need to cling tighter too. Find the right grip, get the right position....And just cling.
Because if the things that I've been praying for have suddenly come to pass, maybe these few things that I'm praying for might as well? Abruptly, in a most pleasant way?
Sometimes I fear to think about it. Sometimes I just want to hope. Sometimes I feel so impatient, and sometimes I feel thankful that God gave me more time for the moulding of my heart.
--------------
Giving and not receiving...How did these people feel?
Trying your best to try to know someone, yet having little people interested in who you are. How did such people feel?
It's going downhill again, my emotions...But Pastor Tan's message caught me: We look not for the praises from Man, but praises from God.
And I should look not from interest from people, but be grateful that God is showing enough interest in me to throw so many trials and mould me.
Or is it?
How tiring...I just wish that I can keep living, living in and feeling his presence. Hear from him that I've done a good job for certain somethings. Just once more. As a day in his courts is better than a thousand elsewhere, perhaps a word of praise or encouragement from God is better than a thousand coming from others that....Well, from others.
------------------
Where did those days go to, where we could laugh, joke and smile so comfortably?
Where did they go, right after the turn of the season, the fall of the leaf?
What did I do that changed all that?
What should I do now to let it change for the better once again?
Why did it occur, that I didn't even notice it till too late?
Why did this happen, when I could have done something or stop doing something to prevent this?
BUT....
I will praise the Lord all the same.
Even while carrying buckets of tears, even while carrying heavy burdens upon my back, even though I cry and protest, even though I beat my chest in anguish....I will still praise you. I will still believe. I will still hope. I will still persevere and keep doing my best to do the good works.
Then one day, maybe, just maybe....That small spark of that can become a huge flame, so powerful, so bright that nothing can contain it. Not my worries, not the circumstances, not the differences, not the obstacles.
Only the passion. The power. The truth. The sincerity. The love.
.......Okay, failed at a poem that doesn't need rhyming. Haa...
I feel like I can't. That I've reached the ceiling, that I need to do something, something really drastic to change it all.
So tired today. At the same time, I just feel so many things rushing into my mind.
Loneliness. Sense of Accomplishment. Inadequacy. Regret. Joy through fellowship. Guilt for not being more observant and loving. Irritation at myself for not being more of a higher standard.
Understanding that there's a time, yet feeling frustrated that I couldn't do more. That I couldn't breach that invisible wall I have with so many people. Envy that others could talk almost effortlessly with people that I've been trying to talk to, even though I was supposedly closer, or I had supposedly tried my best. Contrition, knowing that God is moulding me for a brighter future.
*Takes a deep breath*
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I wish I could talk more, tell others more, but even so, what could that accomplish? It's really a bummer, but currently I feel more like a person who can only really share and talk in one-on-one situations...And even then, not many really care.
...Do they?
Maybe one day, I'll just ask that. Something like "Hey, tell me frankly if I'm being a bother or if I make you feel uncomfortable. Just tell me, and I'll stay away."
--------------------
Despite that, the service today was awesome. Movie had a great homemade flavour to it, with a simple script but heartwarming messages behind certain scenes. The critic in me says it could have been better, but hey, it's a short movie, and I think it's as good as the thunderous applause indicated by us audience. I love the message too. Knowing that we should show mercy and not judgment was really enlightening and a nice wake-up call. How many times have we judged, consciously or unconsciously, that we should strive to change it? Have we first seen our own actions, behavior and attitudes that we first need to change? How many more people can we reach out to and help, rather than just staying in our comfort zone.
Of course, not one said that it's easy. It never is.
Fellowship was good too, but tiring. Taking over just for one day for one lunch....Sometimes I wish I never have to do it again, but another part of me hopes I can do it one more time, two more times, three more times....only better, better every time.
-------------------
Was I too presumptuous? Had I actually been indulging in a great atmosphere that I shouldn't be in?
It's no one's fault except mine, but there are a few rare times where I feel like I'm...out of place. That I'm an alien species in the midst of so many happy, sincere people. That even though they could talk to others and to each other, I simply could not feel that warmth when I talk to others.
Am I overimagining it? I most certainly hope so.
More than that, sometimes too much of a good thing happening around you can be bad. I'm starting to lose focus, starting to compare again. Need to stop it. Need to concentrate.
God placed me here for a reason. He's made me pick up the pace a whole lot for a reason. He's allowing these confusion for a reason.
I just need to trust in him, over and over and over again, even if it seems hopeless.
Maybe it's just that everything I have received and asked for comes in the long term. I'm kinda a slow person, you see, but when I get things done at that kind of pace or have results after that kind of speed, they are good....Most of the time.
Does that mean the bad stuff happens over a long time too? Heartbreaks, fits of anger, anguish, pain...
I hope not. Let it last for just a short, short while, and then I can move on, even if I'm doing that by staggering.
------------------
Looked in the mirror a tad bit too long...and immediately regretted it.
Sigh.
Wish there can be a more redeeming physical feature there, anywhere. Somewhere. Maybe I'll be more approachable then. Maybe it would be easier to talk and converse with others, and vice versa.
Maybe pigs can fly, with chicken wings. (Aimed at you, SL =P)
------------------
Feels like I'm falling from a mountain all of a sudden.
Maybe I shouldn't have hoped so much, just because of a slight change. It gets difficult to differentiate sometimes, this euphoric feeling about being blessed and whether the blessing was actually....Not a blessing.
I cried. But I need to cling tighter too. Find the right grip, get the right position....And just cling.
Because if the things that I've been praying for have suddenly come to pass, maybe these few things that I'm praying for might as well? Abruptly, in a most pleasant way?
Sometimes I fear to think about it. Sometimes I just want to hope. Sometimes I feel so impatient, and sometimes I feel thankful that God gave me more time for the moulding of my heart.
--------------
Giving and not receiving...How did these people feel?
Trying your best to try to know someone, yet having little people interested in who you are. How did such people feel?
It's going downhill again, my emotions...But Pastor Tan's message caught me: We look not for the praises from Man, but praises from God.
And I should look not from interest from people, but be grateful that God is showing enough interest in me to throw so many trials and mould me.
Or is it?
How tiring...I just wish that I can keep living, living in and feeling his presence. Hear from him that I've done a good job for certain somethings. Just once more. As a day in his courts is better than a thousand elsewhere, perhaps a word of praise or encouragement from God is better than a thousand coming from others that....Well, from others.
------------------
Where did those days go to, where we could laugh, joke and smile so comfortably?
Where did they go, right after the turn of the season, the fall of the leaf?
What did I do that changed all that?
What should I do now to let it change for the better once again?
Why did it occur, that I didn't even notice it till too late?
Why did this happen, when I could have done something or stop doing something to prevent this?
BUT....
I will praise the Lord all the same.
Even while carrying buckets of tears, even while carrying heavy burdens upon my back, even though I cry and protest, even though I beat my chest in anguish....I will still praise you. I will still believe. I will still hope. I will still persevere and keep doing my best to do the good works.
Then one day, maybe, just maybe....That small spark of that can become a huge flame, so powerful, so bright that nothing can contain it. Not my worries, not the circumstances, not the differences, not the obstacles.
Only the passion. The power. The truth. The sincerity. The love.
.......Okay, failed at a poem that doesn't need rhyming. Haa...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 31: P & D
Hmm.
Maybe I've been taking everything a little too seriously nowadays.
Things to do for other people, things for myself, the signs that I see...Whatever they are.
And maybe it's the Pace that's making this happen. The pace at which I'm moving towards that one goal.
I keep getting the feeling that whenever I talk or think about this, I'm getting ahead of myself. Yet that does not seem completely so.
"Ask, and you shall receive."
Maybe this is really the granting of one desire I had at the very start of the change in the seasons earlier on, and that makes me realise that all the things happening around me, in cellgroup, with my friends, with my relationships, with my own personal life...The supposedly setbacks are truly part of the King's plan.
Having experienced little in society, perhaps this is his way of moulding me. Placing me in situations that were so disadvantageous at times that I had to think about why I was here, doing the things that I'm supposed to do, yet not being able to see beyond the figurative darkness.
Making things happen such that I can grow...
Sometimes I feel slightly guilty. Is it because of my wish, my desire that others are facing their own crises suddenly?
But that's the worst kind of mindset to have. (1) This is where I REALLY am getting ahead of myself if I think that way. (2) As the Word says, all things, and truly ALL THINGS work for the good of those who love him. (3) Furthermore, I remembered what Pastor Tan had shared much earlier, that everyone has a season. Everyone has a day and night, and they don't occur at similar timings just because it seems fair or 'right'.
Slapping some sense into yourself can be refreshing. And fun. You should try it sometime. =P
But more than that, it feels like I'm picking up the pace. I did ask to be able to catch up, and here I am...The speed is picking up. Direction is another, more delicate matter, though.
Feels like I took a different direction when I made (or rather, did not make) the decisions I did at the beginning of the change in the season. But perhaps I'll take that detour the king has for me, that longer time I need for him to help mould me so that I can be more ready.
And at the end, perhaps it really is as I've seen it: People, things, blessings waiting for me at the next fork in the road of life.
"For he who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to he who knocks, the door shall be open."
Maybe I've been taking everything a little too seriously nowadays.
Things to do for other people, things for myself, the signs that I see...Whatever they are.
And maybe it's the Pace that's making this happen. The pace at which I'm moving towards that one goal.
I keep getting the feeling that whenever I talk or think about this, I'm getting ahead of myself. Yet that does not seem completely so.
"Ask, and you shall receive."
Maybe this is really the granting of one desire I had at the very start of the change in the seasons earlier on, and that makes me realise that all the things happening around me, in cellgroup, with my friends, with my relationships, with my own personal life...The supposedly setbacks are truly part of the King's plan.
Having experienced little in society, perhaps this is his way of moulding me. Placing me in situations that were so disadvantageous at times that I had to think about why I was here, doing the things that I'm supposed to do, yet not being able to see beyond the figurative darkness.
Making things happen such that I can grow...
Sometimes I feel slightly guilty. Is it because of my wish, my desire that others are facing their own crises suddenly?
But that's the worst kind of mindset to have. (1) This is where I REALLY am getting ahead of myself if I think that way. (2) As the Word says, all things, and truly ALL THINGS work for the good of those who love him. (3) Furthermore, I remembered what Pastor Tan had shared much earlier, that everyone has a season. Everyone has a day and night, and they don't occur at similar timings just because it seems fair or 'right'.
Slapping some sense into yourself can be refreshing. And fun. You should try it sometime. =P
But more than that, it feels like I'm picking up the pace. I did ask to be able to catch up, and here I am...The speed is picking up. Direction is another, more delicate matter, though.
Feels like I took a different direction when I made (or rather, did not make) the decisions I did at the beginning of the change in the season. But perhaps I'll take that detour the king has for me, that longer time I need for him to help mould me so that I can be more ready.
And at the end, perhaps it really is as I've seen it: People, things, blessings waiting for me at the next fork in the road of life.
"For he who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to he who knocks, the door shall be open."
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 30: Musings II (Or is it the III?)
Don't know how many times I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. Just thinking.
So sometimes I show up with random thoughts, and this is probably one of those moments.
Had a rather interesting and great cell group meeting. It was really refreshing, knowing that without the regular guitar, without the music that we were so comfortable with hearing, without the singing at the start, the King still moved greatly.
Yes, it seemed a little strange. Yes, sometimes the atmosphere might feel lethargic, but ultimately when you feel the King's presence at the very end, hoping with just one desire to seek his face instead of asking him for the things you and I really want and when he says something, you can really feel it.
I can't believe it at first, but it felt like tears kept flowing out uncontrollably. I couldn't entirely stop it after being ministered. Couldn't entirely stop it even after worship. Couldn't barely stop it during offering.
All because of three simple words.
"Keep it up."
And all through my mind, I kept wondering...Have I been doing good? Was it pleasing to him? Did I commit any sins of omission? Was I repentant, truly repentant? Could I have done more, so much more good works? Could I have made less, so much less mistakes?
But all he said was "Keep it up." Just three words. Three words...
Looking back, I think that I might really have progressed more than I thought. 2 over years in the House, and where am I?
I never would have imagined any of these wonderful things happening, meeting wonderful people, forging wonderful relationships, reviving and having wonderful old and new dreams and visions, singing wonderful songs, learning new, wonderful things...
Having such an awesome and wonderful best friend, mentor, guide and savior.
And I thought back: What would I have been, if I had continued to hate religion? If I continued my anti-christianity stance?
Things would definitely have been different, and I surely think that it's for the better that I made the decision to receive the King's gift of salvation.
Come to think of it, all he said was "Come" at that time.
And that gives me so much more hope suddenly, because the visions, the dreams I had...All he said were but a few words.
"You can do it.", "Trust in me.", "Don't doubt yourself."
And most of the time, these words rang true.
Except for a few, important dreams that have yet come to pass.
But now I know, now I really know, that they will come to pass, one way or another.
One year? Two years? Five years, perhaps? I don't know.
All I know is, my King works in the most mysterious ways. And he most certainly loves to give me very, very pleasant surprises when I least expect it.
All I need to do, is to trust. Even though I may stumble at times and question myself or the vision, yet I know certain things were really God-given, as long as I focus, FOCUS on the main thing at hand.
------------------------------
There can only be so much before I start feeling really irritated.
Oh, nothing major. Just some comments made by people. They get old sometimes, even though they aren't directed at you, but at someone else.
Yet when I see them, sometimes I would facepalm mentally and wonder if there's more than just that one reaction.
Maybe one might call it classic? I don't know...But it sure is irritating at times, though this feeling should be gone the next day as quickly as the light from the stars fade when the Sun rises.
Or maybe I'm just jealous that some people can just pull it off with panache. Without needing to feel embarrassed or making the other person feel uncomfortable, because they have a certain level of closeness, sufficient enough to make jokes or comments like that.
And again, I would like to say this...Some people seriously don't know how lucky they are.
But yet, it's these 'people' that I'd like to pray for. For various reasons, of course. Definitely NOT for the reason that whatever they say, do or type are irritating me.
But simply because...I feel led to do so.
And I want to pray for them. For strength. For them to return. For them to be more joyful. For them to be more empowered. For them to be revived. For them to be healed. For them to enjoy the things normal people do. For them to be a greater man of the King.
Even though sometimes those worldly voices, the other friends think I'm crazy for doing so for various reasons I don't want to divulge, even though they might see it as a stupid thing to do for people who might not appreciate, who might a stumbling block in various ways, who might simply brush it off...
I'll still do it.
So I hope that at the very least, if you know what I'm talking about, who I'm talking about, please, please...let's pray together for them.
For that's what Love is...To keep on keeping on for these people. To do your best for them even though they might not know, even though no one might know at all.
But be rest assured that someone does know.
And that someone, is the King.
-----------
Close? Not close enough.
Better? Not better enough.
Yet I'll trust that everything...EVERYTHING is going according to God's plan for me.
Tomorrow's going to be interesting and challenging too, without PH around. But I look forward to it. Gonna try my best for it and do what I can.
Letting him take charge again.
"Man may fail, but God never fails. His thoughts are always higher than my thoughts, and his ways are always higher than my ways. We may stumble, but we will never fall."
Mighty Work Time! =DD
So sometimes I show up with random thoughts, and this is probably one of those moments.
Had a rather interesting and great cell group meeting. It was really refreshing, knowing that without the regular guitar, without the music that we were so comfortable with hearing, without the singing at the start, the King still moved greatly.
Yes, it seemed a little strange. Yes, sometimes the atmosphere might feel lethargic, but ultimately when you feel the King's presence at the very end, hoping with just one desire to seek his face instead of asking him for the things you and I really want and when he says something, you can really feel it.
I can't believe it at first, but it felt like tears kept flowing out uncontrollably. I couldn't entirely stop it after being ministered. Couldn't entirely stop it even after worship. Couldn't barely stop it during offering.
All because of three simple words.
"Keep it up."
And all through my mind, I kept wondering...Have I been doing good? Was it pleasing to him? Did I commit any sins of omission? Was I repentant, truly repentant? Could I have done more, so much more good works? Could I have made less, so much less mistakes?
But all he said was "Keep it up." Just three words. Three words...
Looking back, I think that I might really have progressed more than I thought. 2 over years in the House, and where am I?
I never would have imagined any of these wonderful things happening, meeting wonderful people, forging wonderful relationships, reviving and having wonderful old and new dreams and visions, singing wonderful songs, learning new, wonderful things...
Having such an awesome and wonderful best friend, mentor, guide and savior.
And I thought back: What would I have been, if I had continued to hate religion? If I continued my anti-christianity stance?
Things would definitely have been different, and I surely think that it's for the better that I made the decision to receive the King's gift of salvation.
Come to think of it, all he said was "Come" at that time.
And that gives me so much more hope suddenly, because the visions, the dreams I had...All he said were but a few words.
"You can do it.", "Trust in me.", "Don't doubt yourself."
And most of the time, these words rang true.
Except for a few, important dreams that have yet come to pass.
But now I know, now I really know, that they will come to pass, one way or another.
One year? Two years? Five years, perhaps? I don't know.
All I know is, my King works in the most mysterious ways. And he most certainly loves to give me very, very pleasant surprises when I least expect it.
All I need to do, is to trust. Even though I may stumble at times and question myself or the vision, yet I know certain things were really God-given, as long as I focus, FOCUS on the main thing at hand.
------------------------------
There can only be so much before I start feeling really irritated.
Oh, nothing major. Just some comments made by people. They get old sometimes, even though they aren't directed at you, but at someone else.
Yet when I see them, sometimes I would facepalm mentally and wonder if there's more than just that one reaction.
Maybe one might call it classic? I don't know...But it sure is irritating at times, though this feeling should be gone the next day as quickly as the light from the stars fade when the Sun rises.
Or maybe I'm just jealous that some people can just pull it off with panache. Without needing to feel embarrassed or making the other person feel uncomfortable, because they have a certain level of closeness, sufficient enough to make jokes or comments like that.
And again, I would like to say this...Some people seriously don't know how lucky they are.
But yet, it's these 'people' that I'd like to pray for. For various reasons, of course. Definitely NOT for the reason that whatever they say, do or type are irritating me.
But simply because...I feel led to do so.
And I want to pray for them. For strength. For them to return. For them to be more joyful. For them to be more empowered. For them to be revived. For them to be healed. For them to enjoy the things normal people do. For them to be a greater man of the King.
Even though sometimes those worldly voices, the other friends think I'm crazy for doing so for various reasons I don't want to divulge, even though they might see it as a stupid thing to do for people who might not appreciate, who might a stumbling block in various ways, who might simply brush it off...
I'll still do it.
So I hope that at the very least, if you know what I'm talking about, who I'm talking about, please, please...let's pray together for them.
For that's what Love is...To keep on keeping on for these people. To do your best for them even though they might not know, even though no one might know at all.
But be rest assured that someone does know.
And that someone, is the King.
-----------
Close? Not close enough.
Better? Not better enough.
Yet I'll trust that everything...EVERYTHING is going according to God's plan for me.
Tomorrow's going to be interesting and challenging too, without PH around. But I look forward to it. Gonna try my best for it and do what I can.
Letting him take charge again.
"Man may fail, but God never fails. His thoughts are always higher than my thoughts, and his ways are always higher than my ways. We may stumble, but we will never fall."
Mighty Work Time! =DD
Friday, June 18, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 29: I Still Believe
I don't know why, but I just fell in love with this song ever since my friend introduced it to me during KTV.
Sometimes it really speaks volumes, and just like a few other songs that can really lift my spirits up, this is slowly becoming one of them.
The ratio is pretty much imbalanced though. I need to find more English and Korean songs. After all, lots of people are listening to music in these two languages. Wouldn't do very much if I were to belt out a Chinese number and the people there just look at me with a puzzled look.
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 28: Generation Consternation
Disclaimer: This post is not, I repeat, NOT directed to any specific individual. I am by no means attacking or judging anyone's behavior. As such, no names shall be mentioned (duh) to order to protect their privacy and protect my own stance. Thank you.
Had a fruitful day today. Learning something new always does that, though it can get pretty difficult at times. Still, new things are always challenges...Trials meant to strengthen, not weaken you, unless the new thing you are talking about involves damaging yourself in by any means, which I feel is downright silly. On the bright side of things, another challenge arises in that you have to STOP doing that damaging thing or stop continuing that damaging habit you are accustomed to.
Aside from that, I'm feeling really tired right now, but at the same time refreshed. More ideas flowing into my mind and all I need is that spark of action to start a wildfire over the dry, grassy field of imagination. After all, that's how dreams are turned into reality, isn't it? Action. What's more, it is through action that we can see a greater representation of faith.
Two birds with one stone.
And I think I really found something to do right now, something more than just Facebook-ing or Internet-loitering or playing games (Music and Anime are, fortunately, not included =P). It's not just because of interest, nor is it because just of a desire to make music. More than that, I need to keep reminding myself whenever I hit brick walls, that I'm doing this for the King.
On to the topic proper.
Having talked recently to PH and SL, it seems like our thoughts coincide about the 'current generation'. It's just so...different, so...alien sometimes. Like we're seeing another culture coming forth from the foundations that we ourselves have been upon previously.
Sometimes I wonder why, and in the course of discussing this with them, I realise that I try to rationalise the behavior, the mannerisms, the reactions, the attitude of the current generation and - more often than not - often found myself wanting in truly explaining the phenomenon.
Now, I'm not saying I'm some great Sociology major who has won multiple prizes in his field work and is thinking of doing a Masters immediately after his 4th year, but I think any sensible young adult could see the gaps if he/she were to scrutinise closely.
Just for example's sake, here are a few comparisons:
Past generation:
1) "I hate you, I seriously do, and I'm telling that to you, right now."
2) "You love, you get attached. You break up, you get hurt. You learn from your mistakes and start getting attached only when you feel you can take it."
3) You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about it here? Don't tell anyone." Best Friend: "Sure. Tell me what's wrong."
Present generation:
1) "I hate you, but I'm going to pretend nothing's happening, and I expect you to know why I hate you. Else I'll just tell someone else I hate you while I smile as I talk to you."
2) "You love, you get attached. You break up, you get hurt. You love again, you get attached again. You break up again, you get hurt again. Why? Cuz others are doing it...And isn't this what love is about? Feel like getting attached, get attached lor."
3) Scenario 1: You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about it here?" Best Friend: "Sure. Tell me what's wrong." Days, weeks later, you find out he/she's leaked it out.
Scenario 2: You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about-" Best Friend: "Lalalala." You post it on your blog, and your Bestie accuses you of not trusting him/her enough.
Now, this look very much like generalisations, but from what I've seen or heard and thus deduced, this seems to be happening. Aside from that, I do understand there are some exceptions too, so if there's anyone with a clearer picture, please correct me.
Whatever it is, the differences are so stark sometimes that I occasionally get a shock. Things like students getting attached at the age of 10-12. Pre-marital sex at age 13 (with the girl consenting to it). Smoking at the age of 12-13. Vulgarities spewing out of an eight year-old's mouth. Primary school kids telling dirty jokes. More Primary school kids toting PSPs, Nintendo DSes, iPhones and less soccer balls, badminton rackets and hockey sticks.
Sometimes I wonder what's happening. When did this occur? How did it occur? Why did all this start occurring? Was it the influx of new technologies and mediums that gave kids greater access to media-depicted stereotypes about "True romance"? Was it us, the previous generations of people, who failed to keep a good rein on the kids?
The scholar can give you a thousand and one reasons AND explanations, but I'm unfortunately, not one. Ultimately, the blame game gets us nowhere. Besides, it is important to see whether there's a plank in one's eye before you and I can start pointing fingers too.
To tell you the truth, I'm worried, as are many people who care for the friends they have who grew up in the current generation. We want to do something to help. we really do, but it's the consternation that comes with not knowing how to handle such situations as well as the confusion as to why this is happening that stops us.
And that's what prayer is for. That's what the King is for. He's there to help. He's there to teach us how to help. He's there to tell us that sometimes, we can do something about it and sometimes, we just need to leave it up to him and the other people who have more experience in dealing with this.
That being said, we need to try our best for these people, especially if we care for them. Help not because they are problematic, but because we want them to become better people. Because we love them.
And maybe we don't understand. Maybe I don't understand and maybe some people don't feel like saying things. But you know what?
Just be there for them. Be ready. So that when they fall, we can try to catch them. So that when they reach out a hand, you can grasp it and haul them up as best as you can. Do it like the Son, yet not trying to be omnipotent. When all else fails, there is the King that you can trust.
And so another day passes. School reopening for some (I know some people are starting to emo. Don't worry, it will be my turn soon. In about another month. MUAHAHA). Tomorrow's going to be exciting, with something fresh, something different. More tasks to do. More trials. More times to try. More opportunities. More serving to be done.
Yes, more mistakes are possible. More stumbling sometimes, but that's all part of the package.
In a buoyant mood today (sort of). As again, I'll lift everything up to the King and let him move again so strongly, so strongly...
Hallelujah. =)
Had a fruitful day today. Learning something new always does that, though it can get pretty difficult at times. Still, new things are always challenges...Trials meant to strengthen, not weaken you, unless the new thing you are talking about involves damaging yourself in by any means, which I feel is downright silly. On the bright side of things, another challenge arises in that you have to STOP doing that damaging thing or stop continuing that damaging habit you are accustomed to.
Aside from that, I'm feeling really tired right now, but at the same time refreshed. More ideas flowing into my mind and all I need is that spark of action to start a wildfire over the dry, grassy field of imagination. After all, that's how dreams are turned into reality, isn't it? Action. What's more, it is through action that we can see a greater representation of faith.
Two birds with one stone.
And I think I really found something to do right now, something more than just Facebook-ing or Internet-loitering or playing games (Music and Anime are, fortunately, not included =P). It's not just because of interest, nor is it because just of a desire to make music. More than that, I need to keep reminding myself whenever I hit brick walls, that I'm doing this for the King.
On to the topic proper.
Having talked recently to PH and SL, it seems like our thoughts coincide about the 'current generation'. It's just so...different, so...alien sometimes. Like we're seeing another culture coming forth from the foundations that we ourselves have been upon previously.
Sometimes I wonder why, and in the course of discussing this with them, I realise that I try to rationalise the behavior, the mannerisms, the reactions, the attitude of the current generation and - more often than not - often found myself wanting in truly explaining the phenomenon.
Now, I'm not saying I'm some great Sociology major who has won multiple prizes in his field work and is thinking of doing a Masters immediately after his 4th year, but I think any sensible young adult could see the gaps if he/she were to scrutinise closely.
Just for example's sake, here are a few comparisons:
Past generation:
1) "I hate you, I seriously do, and I'm telling that to you, right now."
2) "You love, you get attached. You break up, you get hurt. You learn from your mistakes and start getting attached only when you feel you can take it."
3) You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about it here? Don't tell anyone." Best Friend: "Sure. Tell me what's wrong."
Present generation:
1) "I hate you, but I'm going to pretend nothing's happening, and I expect you to know why I hate you. Else I'll just tell someone else I hate you while I smile as I talk to you."
2) "You love, you get attached. You break up, you get hurt. You love again, you get attached again. You break up again, you get hurt again. Why? Cuz others are doing it...And isn't this what love is about? Feel like getting attached, get attached lor."
3) Scenario 1: You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about it here?" Best Friend: "Sure. Tell me what's wrong." Days, weeks later, you find out he/she's leaked it out.
Scenario 2: You: "I'm feeling emo...Can I talk about-" Best Friend: "Lalalala." You post it on your blog, and your Bestie accuses you of not trusting him/her enough.
Now, this look very much like generalisations, but from what I've seen or heard and thus deduced, this seems to be happening. Aside from that, I do understand there are some exceptions too, so if there's anyone with a clearer picture, please correct me.
Whatever it is, the differences are so stark sometimes that I occasionally get a shock. Things like students getting attached at the age of 10-12. Pre-marital sex at age 13 (with the girl consenting to it). Smoking at the age of 12-13. Vulgarities spewing out of an eight year-old's mouth. Primary school kids telling dirty jokes. More Primary school kids toting PSPs, Nintendo DSes, iPhones and less soccer balls, badminton rackets and hockey sticks.
Sometimes I wonder what's happening. When did this occur? How did it occur? Why did all this start occurring? Was it the influx of new technologies and mediums that gave kids greater access to media-depicted stereotypes about "True romance"? Was it us, the previous generations of people, who failed to keep a good rein on the kids?
The scholar can give you a thousand and one reasons AND explanations, but I'm unfortunately, not one. Ultimately, the blame game gets us nowhere. Besides, it is important to see whether there's a plank in one's eye before you and I can start pointing fingers too.
To tell you the truth, I'm worried, as are many people who care for the friends they have who grew up in the current generation. We want to do something to help. we really do, but it's the consternation that comes with not knowing how to handle such situations as well as the confusion as to why this is happening that stops us.
And that's what prayer is for. That's what the King is for. He's there to help. He's there to teach us how to help. He's there to tell us that sometimes, we can do something about it and sometimes, we just need to leave it up to him and the other people who have more experience in dealing with this.
That being said, we need to try our best for these people, especially if we care for them. Help not because they are problematic, but because we want them to become better people. Because we love them.
And maybe we don't understand. Maybe I don't understand and maybe some people don't feel like saying things. But you know what?
Just be there for them. Be ready. So that when they fall, we can try to catch them. So that when they reach out a hand, you can grasp it and haul them up as best as you can. Do it like the Son, yet not trying to be omnipotent. When all else fails, there is the King that you can trust.
And so another day passes. School reopening for some (I know some people are starting to emo. Don't worry, it will be my turn soon. In about another month. MUAHAHA). Tomorrow's going to be exciting, with something fresh, something different. More tasks to do. More trials. More times to try. More opportunities. More serving to be done.
Yes, more mistakes are possible. More stumbling sometimes, but that's all part of the package.
In a buoyant mood today (sort of). As again, I'll lift everything up to the King and let him move again so strongly, so strongly...
Hallelujah. =)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Ponderances
If that's even a word.
Did I make a mistake in my thoughts? My assumptions? Was it ever so wrong to actually hope, when there are seemingly similar things occurring that I don't ever want to try to compare? (Confused? I hope so, because anything revealed beyond this would be too incriminating).
I'm thinking too much, I believe. Thinking back, I did say I would hope and hope and hope. Move my angels, pray to the King, believe firmly, do my very best even though it might not seem sufficient, and trust in the King to do the rest.
And guess what? It's nighttime!
Gotta prepare for another period for the King to start working as I sleep deeply. And surprise me again, when I least expected it.
Let it be a fruitful day tomorrow~ =)
Did I make a mistake in my thoughts? My assumptions? Was it ever so wrong to actually hope, when there are seemingly similar things occurring that I don't ever want to try to compare? (Confused? I hope so, because anything revealed beyond this would be too incriminating).
I'm thinking too much, I believe. Thinking back, I did say I would hope and hope and hope. Move my angels, pray to the King, believe firmly, do my very best even though it might not seem sufficient, and trust in the King to do the rest.
And guess what? It's nighttime!
Gotta prepare for another period for the King to start working as I sleep deeply. And surprise me again, when I least expected it.
Let it be a fruitful day tomorrow~ =)
Chronicles Of iridescence, Chapter 27: Spiky Ball
Feels like I'm picking up more things as I move along in life.
More responsibilities, more passions, more desires, more revelations, more dreams, more actions, more lessons, more relationships (friendships, mainly)...
More of this, more of that.
Sad to say, I pick up rubbish at times too. The regular waste paper; standard problems you and I face every day. The ever so irritating chewing gum that sticks on you and refuses to let go; problems that would probably plague me for quite a bit until I stop rolling and start picking them out.
Moving along, it seems like I pick up a few more insecurities too. That's obvious, though, especially when good things come along, new things come along, one would always feel out of his/her element.
Perhaps that's why people refuse to change. Why I refused to change in the past. Because it's too difficult. Because it's uncomfortable getting out of your comfort zone to meet the new things. Because of the new responsibilities, some can't take it and drop out of the race. Because of new faces, some suddenly shut themselves off without considering the possibility of being good friends with everyone if they tried. Because of new feelings, some refuse to open up their hearts fully, believe in themselves and believe that those feelings are real.
I feel like that sometimes, but strengthening the resolve to keep meeting new things not as challenges, but as something that can change my life and the lives of others around me is fundamental.
Still on the way there, I think. Hopefully I'll keep finding bits and pieces of my true passion, identity, talents, calling and feelings along the way.
Thank the King that I've just found a large chunk. =)
More responsibilities, more passions, more desires, more revelations, more dreams, more actions, more lessons, more relationships (friendships, mainly)...
More of this, more of that.
Sad to say, I pick up rubbish at times too. The regular waste paper; standard problems you and I face every day. The ever so irritating chewing gum that sticks on you and refuses to let go; problems that would probably plague me for quite a bit until I stop rolling and start picking them out.
Moving along, it seems like I pick up a few more insecurities too. That's obvious, though, especially when good things come along, new things come along, one would always feel out of his/her element.
Perhaps that's why people refuse to change. Why I refused to change in the past. Because it's too difficult. Because it's uncomfortable getting out of your comfort zone to meet the new things. Because of the new responsibilities, some can't take it and drop out of the race. Because of new faces, some suddenly shut themselves off without considering the possibility of being good friends with everyone if they tried. Because of new feelings, some refuse to open up their hearts fully, believe in themselves and believe that those feelings are real.
I feel like that sometimes, but strengthening the resolve to keep meeting new things not as challenges, but as something that can change my life and the lives of others around me is fundamental.
Still on the way there, I think. Hopefully I'll keep finding bits and pieces of my true passion, identity, talents, calling and feelings along the way.
Thank the King that I've just found a large chunk. =)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 26: Crazy
Driving me crazy.
The boredom. The lack of things to write. The constantly saturation and drying up of creativity. The presence of visions and revelations, but blurred out sometimes.
And this....feeling.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
Need to put things into action. Now.
Thank goodness a goal's going to manifest into action on Thurs.
Thank goodness I've finally began finishing up my resume (LONG overdue, but now I'm stuck with what I can put in. Ugh....The aftereffects of being in a social Siberia for so long....)
Thank goodness that there are more...chances? Opportunities? Need to grasp them quickly and readily, though not too tightly.
And obviously it seems like I'm wavering again. I need to stand strong and press on steadily.
Just that...If only the pace I was going at was enough. If only what I was doing so far had been pleasing to the King. If not, I pray that what I'm going to do will be pleasing to him. If only I can just focus on the King, on myself, and not on the progress of some other people...Maybe I can get one step closer...And stop feeling so mad.
It's late. Study group tomorrow, but let it be fruitful. Let me be of good cheer and help out whenever I can. At the end of this week, let me shout and jump for joy because of the good stuff - the blessings, the opportunities, the learning, the helping, the trials (Yes, it's good), the relationship building...
Everything.
Late night. Time to let the King move. =)
The boredom. The lack of things to write. The constantly saturation and drying up of creativity. The presence of visions and revelations, but blurred out sometimes.
And this....feeling.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
Need to put things into action. Now.
Thank goodness a goal's going to manifest into action on Thurs.
Thank goodness I've finally began finishing up my resume (LONG overdue, but now I'm stuck with what I can put in. Ugh....The aftereffects of being in a social Siberia for so long....)
Thank goodness that there are more...chances? Opportunities? Need to grasp them quickly and readily, though not too tightly.
And obviously it seems like I'm wavering again. I need to stand strong and press on steadily.
Just that...If only the pace I was going at was enough. If only what I was doing so far had been pleasing to the King. If not, I pray that what I'm going to do will be pleasing to him. If only I can just focus on the King, on myself, and not on the progress of some other people...Maybe I can get one step closer...And stop feeling so mad.
It's late. Study group tomorrow, but let it be fruitful. Let me be of good cheer and help out whenever I can. At the end of this week, let me shout and jump for joy because of the good stuff - the blessings, the opportunities, the learning, the helping, the trials (Yes, it's good), the relationship building...
Everything.
Late night. Time to let the King move. =)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Chronicles of Iridescence, Chapter 25: Passion of the Anything
Sometimes I wonder...Am I really the only one who makes everything into a competition?
Maybe not, but that would really make me seem all the more tinier if I ever knew the other party had treated this as a competition, had treated the objective as an...well, object or prize and went ahead to do certain things because of that.
Most of the time it doesn't turn out that way, or at least right now I think it doesn't turn out that way, thankfully. I would then question myself...Am I doing certain things because I want to compete?
Soul-searching is really important at times like these. It is, in fact, made easier if you have the King as a mentor and guide. Thankfully, the answer I got after asking him and myself was a big "NO". More than that, I had absolutely no right to judge the motives of others, since the King is the only rightful judge of the hearts of people.
Doing certain things just because I want to compete, just because I always, always want to be on the same page...That's not real passion. As faith is the please the King, any pursuit of any creative endeavor without passion is doomed to failure.
For one thing, I knew that I wanted to take up Korean. Though I have little progress at the moment, I was still very much interested at the very least. (Only the darn action is needed).
So sometimes I question my passion like what I just did: Was it because of my own passion? Was it because of my own reasons, and not because I want to be better than a certain someone? Was it because I wanted to do more things for my spiritual family? Was it because I could boast to others that I finally, finally have something that was useful, and I hopefully would not be overshadowed for?
Somehow it feels like a tightrope between the two extremes, though I predictably would prefer to fall on the side that reads 'Passion' rather than 'Selfish desire'. Worse still if I fall unknowingly into the latter half.
Whatever the case, one has to be true to himself. It may sound like blasphemy, but if one was doing something because of selfish desire, let him/her follow through with it. If one was doing something because of real passion, let him/her follow through with it.
Because eventually, if the one with selfish desire refuses the cries of his/her conscience and continues to do it, he/she will hit a brick wall. Hard. The pseudo-passion then dies out quickly. To put it across more bluntly with a literal English translation of a Chinese phrase, some people just 'won't shed tears unless they see the coffin.' A simple paraphrasing would give us the statement "Learning lessons the hard way."
Why do I even dare to say this? Simple. I've been through this phase so many times that I can't even remember the number. I probably might go through this a few more times in the future too, as every human will, but thank the King that it's definitely going to be reduced in number.
Conversely, real passion should be able to take you through every difficult bend, every complicated vowel, every 'cheem' chord or note. Stumbling will be done, of course, but with real passion, I don't believe he/she will ultimately fall or fail.
One important factor is encouragement. Mutual is probably the best, but any form is always chicken soup for the soul in terms of pressing on in difficult times, be it passion for your job, passion for writing, passion for your relationships, passion for the King.
Let no single person, be it for selfish desire or passion, be half-hearted. It sounds really cool to always be on the edge and finish the tightrope walking, but the real thrill comes in falling off the side, not knowing what's below, not knowing what's ahead, not knowing if someone or something's going to catch you, yet believing in yourself...And believing in the King.
And I hope that side that we fall, that you fall, that I fall...Will be that of real passion.
Maybe not, but that would really make me seem all the more tinier if I ever knew the other party had treated this as a competition, had treated the objective as an...well, object or prize and went ahead to do certain things because of that.
Most of the time it doesn't turn out that way, or at least right now I think it doesn't turn out that way, thankfully. I would then question myself...Am I doing certain things because I want to compete?
Soul-searching is really important at times like these. It is, in fact, made easier if you have the King as a mentor and guide. Thankfully, the answer I got after asking him and myself was a big "NO". More than that, I had absolutely no right to judge the motives of others, since the King is the only rightful judge of the hearts of people.
Doing certain things just because I want to compete, just because I always, always want to be on the same page...That's not real passion. As faith is the please the King, any pursuit of any creative endeavor without passion is doomed to failure.
For one thing, I knew that I wanted to take up Korean. Though I have little progress at the moment, I was still very much interested at the very least. (Only the darn action is needed).
So sometimes I question my passion like what I just did: Was it because of my own passion? Was it because of my own reasons, and not because I want to be better than a certain someone? Was it because I wanted to do more things for my spiritual family? Was it because I could boast to others that I finally, finally have something that was useful, and I hopefully would not be overshadowed for?
Somehow it feels like a tightrope between the two extremes, though I predictably would prefer to fall on the side that reads 'Passion' rather than 'Selfish desire'. Worse still if I fall unknowingly into the latter half.
Whatever the case, one has to be true to himself. It may sound like blasphemy, but if one was doing something because of selfish desire, let him/her follow through with it. If one was doing something because of real passion, let him/her follow through with it.
Because eventually, if the one with selfish desire refuses the cries of his/her conscience and continues to do it, he/she will hit a brick wall. Hard. The pseudo-passion then dies out quickly. To put it across more bluntly with a literal English translation of a Chinese phrase, some people just 'won't shed tears unless they see the coffin.' A simple paraphrasing would give us the statement "Learning lessons the hard way."
Why do I even dare to say this? Simple. I've been through this phase so many times that I can't even remember the number. I probably might go through this a few more times in the future too, as every human will, but thank the King that it's definitely going to be reduced in number.
Conversely, real passion should be able to take you through every difficult bend, every complicated vowel, every 'cheem' chord or note. Stumbling will be done, of course, but with real passion, I don't believe he/she will ultimately fall or fail.
One important factor is encouragement. Mutual is probably the best, but any form is always chicken soup for the soul in terms of pressing on in difficult times, be it passion for your job, passion for writing, passion for your relationships, passion for the King.
Let no single person, be it for selfish desire or passion, be half-hearted. It sounds really cool to always be on the edge and finish the tightrope walking, but the real thrill comes in falling off the side, not knowing what's below, not knowing what's ahead, not knowing if someone or something's going to catch you, yet believing in yourself...And believing in the King.
And I hope that side that we fall, that you fall, that I fall...Will be that of real passion.
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