Something is wrong.
I can sense it.
But perhaps I'm being too presumptous. What could go wrong? Yesterday seemed like such a great day. Had good fellowship, was able to receive a good word to be meditated upon...What could go wrong?
Let's just go for the jugular.
Somewhere, somehow, it feels like my memory is fading. I suddenly can't remember certain things that were supposed to be important: When is this person's birthday? When is that person's wedding anniversary? When did I first met that person? When did i first get saved? When did I get saved again?
Perhaps there's just too much information saturation going on, that forgetting one or two of these things is normal. That's what calendars and personal diaries are for, right?
But there's an unsettling feeling I get nowadays, and sometimes I wonder if it ever pertained to the recurring dream I had about losing my memory while helping someone I care about, then waking up in a hospital bed surrounded by four walls of a sterile white, with that person sitting next to me...And I say the three dreaded words.
"....Who are you?"
Of course, it's a silly nightmare that pops up occasionally. The problem is, it has recently came up again, and at times it can seem so vivid, so real that I wonder if I really was in the hospital bed when I woke up, drenched in cold sweat, with my breath coming out in ragged gasps, my voice slightly hoarse from screaming.
The screaming has stopped, thankfully...But the dreams have not.
Is something really going to happen?
Probably not, I believe. After all, it's like worrying over something that might or might not happen in the future, something I would never know unless God decided he saw a little of Elijah in me.
Or maybe I've been reading too many stories with similar tragic scenarios, where the male protagonist had just got out of a slump, entered into a period of contentment and joy, taking the first baby steps to becoming a better person, to having a closer relationship with the people he wanted to...
Then BAM. Tries to save mother/sister/brother/father/lover/crush and gets hit by a car, or gets into a vicious fight, then loses his memory.
I'm more sensitive than most, of course, so I really feel for this guy, so much that I would shed a few tears. It's almost like dangling happiness in front of him and just as he's able to reach it, it gets snatched away from him cruelly.
But yesterday, there's this talk about recognizing God's providential activity.
Perhaps if I could do that, then things won't turn out so bad after all. Or rather, whatever I perceived to be things that are unsettling are actually put in place so that I can watch myself.
Make sure I'm sticking to my core values and purposes in life.
Make sure that I'm always doing what I need to do.
Make sure that I stay true to myself and my feelings.
Then perhaps, the me on that bed would only lose my memory for but a few weeks or months, enough time for me to have a clean slate of mind and be renewed all over again.
-----------------------
So tired.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason.
I definitely have enough blood in my body right now, after the donation drive. Slept a little earlier than usual yesterday too.
Yet, why so tired? Haven't been able to find work, nor have I been really busy with other things.
I think I need a break from my usual routine. Break out of the mould. Start practising and practising and stop the Facebook activities. Start writing too.
I don't know...But ultiimately, it is He who is in control, so I'm not too worried...I think.
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